Growing up with emotional and physical abuse

I’m fully grown now, but I still can't shake these memories from my childhood home.
My father was an absolute emotional vampire, while my mother was basically a bystander—completely passive. Together, they turned us kids into the perfect punching bag for his... well, I don't even know what word to use for his need for control.
Even as an adult, looking back on things through a mature lens, I just feel cheated. Neither of them had any right to do that to me—to wreck my childhood memories, strip away my self-confidence, and warp my entire worldview.
Look, I’ll say it again: I am a functioning adult. I navigate the world just fine, and honestly, I’ve turned out pretty well considering what I went through, but there’s always this nagging pull that drags me back into that headspace.
Logically, I know dwelling on it is pointless because, in a way, I’m letting the past hold me hostage.
I know the "correct" thing to do is forgive everything, lock it all away, and just move on...
But that's the problem: there's no clear line between those old memories and my actual life right now. The two are bleeding together, and it’s poisoning my present reality.
Is there some kind of magic formula to finally leave the past where it belongs?

John Price11 said:I’m fully grown now, but I still can't shake these memories from my childhood home.
My father was an absolute emotional vampire, while my mother was basically a bystander—completely passive. Together, they turned us kids into the perfect punching bag for his... well, I don't even know what word to use for his need for control.
Even as an adult, looking back on things through a mature lens, I just feel cheated. Neither of them had any right to do that to me—to wreck my childhood memories, strip away my self-confidence, and warp my entire worldview.
Look, I’ll say it again: I am a functioning adult. I navigate the world just fine, and honestly, I’ve turned out pretty well considering what I went through, but there’s always this nagging pull that drags me back into that headspace.
Logically, I know dwelling on it is pointless because, in a way, I’m letting the past hold me hostage.
I know the "correct" thing to do is forgive everything, lock it all away, and just move on...
But that's the problem: there's no clear line between those old memories and my actual life right now. The two are bleeding together, and it’s poisoning my present reality.
Is there some kind of magic formula to finally leave the past where it belongs?

Yeah, there is. It's called psychotherapy. 🙂

The formula basically goes like this:

1. Just never stop working on yourself. I mean, really dive into learning and taking care of your mind, your body, even just keeping your room or your house in order. It’s about improving your immediate surroundings and your inner world—your psyche and your consciousness—so you can actually feel good about who you are. When you're content, people around you are going to pick up on that vibe, too.

2. You’ve gotta keep meeting new people and making new friends while holding onto the old ones. Maybe let everyone you meet kind of act as a little bit of a therapist for you, but—and this is important—don't be that person who only talks about themselves. If you dominate every conversation with your own life story, you'll kill the relationship. Try to value logic and empathy instead; listen more, learn from what others have been through, and honestly? Don't look down on anyone's experience, whether they're a CEO at a Fortune 500 company or someone just struggling on the street.

3. Always be fighting against your own biases. Especially those rigid, preconceived notions about culture or "how things should be" based on some outdated social system. Work on keeping your mind calm, open, and flexible.

4. Toss out the self-pity, the constant suffering, and that nagging disbelief in yourself or in what tomorrow might bring. Try not to let your mind drift off into endless fantasies; just stay present and focus on what's right in front of you. Your subconscious is already doing enough worrying about the future for both of you. I guess you could say most mental struggles come from that desperate, fearful way we view the future—basically, losing faith in things. Pessimism is pretty much the root of all psychological trouble.

5. Learn as much as you can about how nature works. Instead of trying to fight against the grain, maybe try cooperating with the world around you to find your own sense of freedom. And hey, try to conserve your energy. Like, it's obviously much easier to get stuff done during the day than to try forcing it in the middle of the night...

Jeremy Alvarez5 said:The formula basically goes like this:

1. Just never stop working on yourself. I mean, really dive into learning and taking care of your mind, your body, even just keeping your room or your house in order. It’s about improving your immediate surroundings and your inner world—your psyche and your consciousness—so you can actually feel good about who you are. When you're content, people around you are going to pick up on that vibe, too.

2. You’ve gotta keep meeting new people and making new friends while holding onto the old ones. Maybe let everyone you meet kind of act as a little bit of a therapist for you, but—and this is important—don't be that person who only talks about themselves. If you dominate every conversation with your own life story, you'll kill the relationship. Try to value logic and empathy instead; listen more, learn from what others have been through, and honestly? Don't look down on anyone's experience, whether they're a CEO at a Fortune 500 company or someone just struggling on the street.

3. Always be fighting against your own biases. Especially those rigid, preconceived notions about culture or "how things should be" based on some outdated social system. Work on keeping your mind calm, open, and flexible.

4. Toss out the self-pity, the constant suffering, and that nagging disbelief in yourself or in what tomorrow might bring. Try not to let your mind drift off into endless fantasies; just stay present and focus on what's right in front of you. Your subconscious is already doing enough worrying about the future for both of you. I guess you could say most mental struggles come from that desperate, fearful way we view the future—basically, losing faith in things. Pessimism is pretty much the root of all psychological trouble.

5. Learn as much as you can about how nature works. Instead of trying to fight against the grain, maybe try cooperating with the world around you to find your own sense of freedom. And hey, try to conserve your energy. Like, it's obviously much easier to get stuff done during the day than to try forcing it in the middle of the night...

so beautiful 👍

redharbor9 said:Yeah, there is. It's called psychotherapy. 🙂

I would also suggest limiting contact with toxic parents, especially since they still refuse to respect your boundaries now that you're an adult...

Yeah, psychotherapy. And let’s be real—it’s a process for a reason. There isn’t some magic wand or a single "eureka" moment that fixes everything overnight. While I totally get why you're feeling impatient, you're allowed to feel that way. That’s exactly why you need an empathetic therapist more than you need a list of clinical techniques.

Keith Jones76 said:Yeah, psychotherapy. And let’s be real—it’s a process for a reason. There isn’t some magic wand or a single "eureka" moment that fixes everything overnight. While I totally get why you're feeling impatient, you're allowed to feel that way. That’s exactly why you need an empathetic therapist more than you need a list of clinical techniques.

Here is my (admittedly biased) take on the whole situation:
I feel like I'm just going to run into the same wall over and over. Someone is inevitably going to tell me I need to "stop overthinking," or "just live in the moment." If the therapist leans too heavily into religious-style coping, they'll probably tell me I just need to practice forgiveness... and so on and so forth.
Will they eventually suggest that *I* am the actual problem?

Please, set me straight if I'm being stubborn or if I've completely missed the mark here!😕

If it were actually that simple, you would have already done it. Being pressured to deny how you feel might actually be a symptom of the guilt people often carry in these situations.
In therapy, you’re going to have to face those emotions head-on before you can move toward acceptance and everything else.

John Price11 said:Here is my (admittedly biased) take on the whole situation:
I feel like I'm just going to run into the same wall over and over. Someone is inevitably going to tell me I need to "stop overthinking," or "just live in the moment." If the therapist leans too heavily into religious-style coping, they'll probably tell me I just need to practice forgiveness... and so on and so forth.
Will they eventually suggest that *I* am the actual problem?

Please, set me straight if I'm being stubborn or if I've completely missed the mark here!😕

Actually, I think you might have some biases against psychotherapy itself.

And regarding that whole forgiveness thing; maybe ask yourself what that really implies?

If you're constantly playing the same mental loop on repeat, it means you're still tangled up in those old memories and your past, rather than living in the present or looking toward the future. You can look back at the past for fun once in a while, but when it starts weighing you down and making you feel miserable, that's when it becomes destructive.

If you find yourself slipping back into that same heavy emotional state later on, you're probably just falling back into that same spiral of associations, dragging your past right along with you.

It sounds like what you really need is a practical way to find peace in the moment, and as for empathy, you can give as much as you have left for others.

You don't necessarily *have* to forgive; maybe just try to stop judging. It’s really about strength, knowledge, and understanding how circumstances shape people. And honestly, you're never just a bystander—the way you interact with people, and even just the biases you hold, changes things. At the very least, it shapes your own psyche. Nobody owes anyone else their empathy, but everyone should strive to offer empathy to others. Only the strong can truly tolerate those who are struggling. Psychology deals with motivation to an extent, but sometimes it’s easier to grasp through spirituality, religion, philosophy, or art—and it's much easier to understand for someone who just has more love in them for others. Most people are basically just grown-up children in a lot of ways. Maybe try treating them like your own kids.

John Price11 said:Here is my (admittedly biased) take on the whole situation:
I feel like I'm just going to run into the same wall over and over. Someone is inevitably going to tell me I need to "stop overthinking," or "just live in the moment." If the therapist leans too heavily into religious-style coping, they'll probably tell me I just need to practice forgiveness... and so on and so forth.
Will they eventually suggest that *I* am the actual problem?

Please, set me straight if I'm being stubborn or if I've completely missed the mark here!😕

That assumption is trash if you think psychotherapy is just some ten-minute pit stop where you grab a prescription or a manual on how to live your life. That's dead wrong...

Therapy is a process. Period. Maybe the issue you’re tackling gets crushed in one session, maybe it takes a hundred. Maybe the root cause turns out to be something you didn't even realize was there. Maybe it just shifts your perspective so much that you figure it out yourself. The possibilities are endless.

It all boils down to a bunch of variables. The therapist's style, who they are as a human being, and you—your resources, your readiness, everything. It’s a massive, complex interaction that dictates everything.

But here’s the bottom line: you have to actually like your therapist. If you sit down with someone and the vibe is off—if you don't feel comfortable talking to them as a person—you move on. Find someone else.

None of them are going to bark orders at you about what to do or how to do it. They work through it *with* you.

I had a client once tell me he was blown away that we solved years of baggage in just a few sessions after he'd struggled with other therapists for ages. I told him straight up: I just built the bridge, he's the one who had to walk across it. He shot back that walking across my bridges is easy. That’s how it works every single time. You and the therapist build that bridge together. Your job is to figure out which "bridge" works best for you—the way that hits your goals without being a total nightmare or exhausting you.

John Price11 said:I’m fully grown now, but I still can't shake these memories from my childhood home.
My father was an absolute emotional vampire, while my mother was basically a bystander—completely passive. Together, they turned us kids into the perfect punching bag for his... well, I don't even know what word to use for his need for control.
Even as an adult, looking back on things through a mature lens, I just feel cheated. Neither of them had any right to do that to me—to wreck my childhood memories, strip away my self-confidence, and warp my entire worldview.
Look, I’ll say it again: I am a functioning adult. I navigate the world just fine, and honestly, I’ve turned out pretty well considering what I went through, but there’s always this nagging pull that drags me back into that headspace.
Logically, I know dwelling on it is pointless because, in a way, I’m letting the past hold me hostage.
I know the "correct" thing to do is forgive everything, lock it all away, and just move on...
But that's the problem: there's no clear line between those old memories and my actual life right now. The two are bleeding together, and it’s poisoning my present reality.
Is there some kind of magic formula to finally leave the past where it belongs?

In my house, my dad used to beat my mom while my brother and I were growing up. My brother managed to stay relatively okay, but I ended up with nervous tics, zero self-confidence, and my mental health just completely tanked.

I was scrolling through some old threads here about abuse in general, and people were getting pretty deep into stories about growing up with abusive parents. Luckily, I didn't deal with that in my immediate family, but I have some relatives who did, so I get where you're coming from. I tracked down that book I mentioned earlier—it’s called "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward. Here's the link if you want to grab it:
http://www.4shared.com/get/50538888/...ni_rodite.html
Do yourself a favor and really pay attention to the intro before you dive in (decide if you're actually ready for this). It’s basically a roadmap to help you break out of that loop you're stuck in. Each chapter is designed for you to sit with and process different parts of your relationship with your parents—it's all based on real people's lives. In a perfect world, the parents would be part of this whole reckoning and finally realize how much they messed up, though I doubt that happens very often over here in the States... Hope this helps 👍👍!

redharbor9 said:That assumption is trash if you think psychotherapy is just some ten-minute pit stop where you grab a prescription or a manual on how to live your life. That's dead wrong...

Therapy is a process. Period. Maybe the issue you’re tackling gets crushed in one session, maybe it takes a hundred. Maybe the root cause turns out to be something you didn't even realize was there. Maybe it just shifts your perspective so much that you figure it out yourself. The possibilities are endless.

It all boils down to a bunch of variables. The therapist's style, who they are as a human being, and you—your resources, your readiness, everything. It’s a massive, complex interaction that dictates everything.

But here’s the bottom line: you have to actually like your therapist. If you sit down with someone and the vibe is off—if you don't feel comfortable talking to them as a person—you move on. Find someone else.

None of them are going to bark orders at you about what to do or how to do it. They work through it *with* you.

I had a client once tell me he was blown away that we solved years of baggage in just a few sessions after he'd struggled with other therapists for ages. I told him straight up: I just built the bridge, he's the one who had to walk across it. He shot back that walking across my bridges is easy. That’s how it works every single time. You and the therapist build that bridge together. Your job is to figure out which "bridge" works best for you—the way that hits your goals without being a total nightmare or exhausting you.

I gave reality therapy a shot recently, but let’s be honest—it only seemed to work while the contractors were still on-site. Once they packed up their tools and cleared out, the whole thing just fell apart.
I was actually feeling pretty good about things for a while. It felt like that whole chaotic energy was finally starting to settle down—almost like it was retreating into a small, contained space—but I still couldn't see a definitive finish line. Honestly, this feels less like a quick fix and more like one of those long, drawn-out processes, similar to how people talk about undergoing a hundred therapy sessions just to find some peace.
Is there actually an alternative out there?

John Price11 said:I gave reality therapy a shot recently, but let’s be honest—it only seemed to work while the contractors were still on-site. Once they packed up their tools and cleared out, the whole thing just fell apart.
I was actually feeling pretty good about things for a while. It felt like that whole chaotic energy was finally starting to settle down—almost like it was retreating into a small, contained space—but I still couldn't see a definitive finish line. Honestly, this feels less like a quick fix and more like one of those long, drawn-out processes, similar to how people talk about undergoing a hundred therapy sessions just to find some peace.
Is there actually an alternative out there?

So, what does "tried something" actually mean? How long did you go?

It’s great if you’ve grown up, matured, and are functioning. Even better that you realize how much your past is bleeding into your present and messing things up; most people have no clue. For example, they have jobs and salaries that others would kill for, yet they’re convinced they're being undervalued or disrespected... they don't get that their past is sabotaging their present.

There are no magic formulas to escape the past. It just keeps looping back into your life in ways you might not even notice. As for dealing with bad thoughts when they hit—any old lady knows the trick: find something else to focus on and stay busy. 😉

I’m siding with the people recommending psychotherapy. 👍

John Price11 said:I gave reality therapy a shot recently, but let’s be honest—it only seemed to work while the contractors were still on-site. Once they packed up their tools and cleared out, the whole thing just fell apart.
I was actually feeling pretty good about things for a while. It felt like that whole chaotic energy was finally starting to settle down—almost like it was retreating into a small, contained space—but I still couldn't see a definitive finish line. Honestly, this feels less like a quick fix and more like one of those long, drawn-out processes, similar to how people talk about undergoing a hundred therapy sessions just to find some peace.
Is there actually an alternative out there?

Honestly, you're missing the point by just focusing on what kind of therapy you tried. Like I said before, there's way more to the equation than that...

Why’d you quit that therapy, and what do you even mean by "energy fading"? Give me specifics.

redharbor9 said:Honestly, you're missing the point by just focusing on what kind of therapy you tried. Like I said before, there's way more to the equation than that...

Why’d you quit that therapy, and what do you even mean by "energy fading"? Give me specifics.

1. It wasn't actually formal therapy; it was more of a practicum through a leadership and choice theory course at my university, plus an introductory seminar on reality therapy this past summer. Basically, I wanted to "catch the enemy off guard" (just kidding, mostly).
To be honest, my goal—and I think I actually managed to pull it off to some degree—was to define myself, my emotions, and my behaviors. My driving force (which I still follow, though sometimes I feel a bit weak about it) was to ensure that nobody else could make me feel furious, angry, or pathetic... instead, I want to be the one choosing. I want to pick from a spectrum of feelings—whether that's anger, rage, or misery, whatever.
The same logic applies to choosing happiness...
I’ve mastered the theory, but now comes the hard part: the practice. It’s being applied to me, and honestly, sometimes I feel like I’m struggling, while other times it flows a bit easier...
2. Regarding that "spirit" metaphor, it's just a way of describing those heavy, negative emotions and bad memories—that overall vibe. I don't know how else to put it. It’s mostly tied to the past. My mindset is: what happened, happened. Today is a new day, and the source of all that misery doesn't exist anymore, so, just be happy. (Man, isn't that easy to say?)
3. That’s why I feel like the ball is in my court, not someone else's, like a therapist's. I’m actually afraid that if I leaned too hard into professional help, I’d just spiral deeper into these mental games—trying to prove myself or perform, trying to explain everything to someone...
I guess I'm contradicting myself here. At the end of the day, I'm wondering why I even started this thread in the first place. Part of me wants to talk, and part of me just wants to shut up...
4. Is there any hope for me?🤷

John Price11 said:1. It wasn't actually formal therapy; it was more of a practicum through a leadership and choice theory course at my university, plus an introductory seminar on reality therapy this past summer. Basically, I wanted to "catch the enemy off guard" (just kidding, mostly).
To be honest, my goal—and I think I actually managed to pull it off to some degree—was to define myself, my emotions, and my behaviors. My driving force (which I still follow, though sometimes I feel a bit weak about it) was to ensure that nobody else could make me feel furious, angry, or pathetic... instead, I want to be the one choosing. I want to pick from a spectrum of feelings—whether that's anger, rage, or misery, whatever.
The same logic applies to choosing happiness...
I’ve mastered the theory, but now comes the hard part: the practice. It’s being applied to me, and honestly, sometimes I feel like I’m struggling, while other times it flows a bit easier...
2. Regarding that "spirit" metaphor, it's just a way of describing those heavy, negative emotions and bad memories—that overall vibe. I don't know how else to put it. It’s mostly tied to the past. My mindset is: what happened, happened. Today is a new day, and the source of all that misery doesn't exist anymore, so, just be happy. (Man, isn't that easy to say?)
3. That’s why I feel like the ball is in my court, not someone else's, like a therapist's. I’m actually afraid that if I leaned too hard into professional help, I’d just spiral deeper into these mental games—trying to prove myself or perform, trying to explain everything to someone...
I guess I'm contradicting myself here. At the end of the day, I'm wondering why I even started this thread in the first place. Part of me wants to talk, and part of me just wants to shut up...
4. Is there any hope for me?🤷

I already gave you that bridge metaphor... let me break down what you just said using it. You’ve got all the building materials and the drive to build that bridge and get to the other side, but you need someone to show you how to actually put it together...

You're circling right back to where we started. Like I told you before... a therapist isn't going to do the work for you or take the fall if things go south. They're just there to teach you how to do what you want to do—how to handle that ball yourself...

Your only real choice now is to face facts and move toward your goal, or just keep spinning your wheels avoiding the very thing you already know the truth about...

Erasing memories is nearly impossible. As Proust suggested, life functions like a ball of yarn; as it unspools, we approach the end, but as it winds back, we gather experiences and recollections. There is a distinction between chronological time and psychological time—the latter being the internal clock that can suddenly plunge you into the past through a single, sharp trigger. In your case, those resurfaced memories clearly aren't pleasant. It feels as though you are fighting an uphill battle against a relentless tide. 😢

Try to manufacture as many positive moments as possible to gradually offset the negative ones. Since everything from the past exists only as a memory, if those memories aren't beautiful, shouldn't you aim to overwrite them with something better? There is always hope. 👍

redharbor9 said:I already gave you that bridge metaphor... let me break down what you just said using it. You’ve got all the building materials and the drive to build that bridge and get to the other side, but you need someone to show you how to actually put it together...

You're circling right back to where we started. Like I told you before... a therapist isn't going to do the work for you or take the fall if things go south. They're just there to teach you how to do what you want to do—how to handle that ball yourself...

Your only real choice now is to face facts and move toward your goal, or just keep spinning your wheels avoiding the very thing you already know the truth about...

If we were sitting in a therapy session right now, someone might try to tell you that a sense of empathy has finally blossomed between the therapist and the patient. But let’s be real—it hasn't happened. Not even close.
Congrats, redharbor9. You hit the nail right on the head.
Yeah, I’m just spinning my wheels here. I feel like I’m running in circles, and honestly? I’m missing that one crucial piece of the puzzle. It’s exactly what you said: I need a therapist.
To be blunt, I actually kind of love Tom’s little cheating scheme from this anonymous vantage point. It’s working out perfectly for me because I’m getting a massive influx of intel—valuable information that’s honestly worth its weight in gold. That being said, I have no idea how much patience you actually have in you, so I won't push my luck or nag you about it.
It just hit me—it finally clicked, and honestly, I feel like such an idiot for letting it slip my mind. It turns out I’m not actually losing my grip on reality or going crazy enough to need a therapist after all. Man, my own intuition is clearly way more fragile than I thought...
Thanks again.
And now I'm left staring at this massive blank space: therapist, who, what, where, when, how... honestly, I have absolutely no clue where to even begin. It’s all just one big question mark right now.

John Price11 said:If we were sitting in a therapy session right now, someone might try to tell you that a sense of empathy has finally blossomed between the therapist and the patient. But let’s be real—it hasn't happened. Not even close.
Congrats, redharbor9. You hit the nail right on the head.
Yeah, I’m just spinning my wheels here. I feel like I’m running in circles, and honestly? I’m missing that one crucial piece of the puzzle. It’s exactly what you said: I need a therapist.
To be blunt, I actually kind of love Tom’s little cheating scheme from this anonymous vantage point. It’s working out perfectly for me because I’m getting a massive influx of intel—valuable information that’s honestly worth its weight in gold. That being said, I have no idea how much patience you actually have in you, so I won't push my luck or nag you about it.
It just hit me—it finally clicked, and honestly, I feel like such an idiot for letting it slip my mind. It turns out I’m not actually losing my grip on reality or going crazy enough to need a therapist after all. Man, my own intuition is clearly way more fragile than I thought...
Thanks again.
And now I'm left staring at this massive blank space: therapist, who, what, where, when, how... honestly, I have absolutely no clue where to even begin. It’s all just one big question mark right now.

You don't always need a professional when someone just needs to vent or talk things out. Personally, I don't have anything major to work through, yet I still have to grind out 145 hours of psychotherapy just to meet the requirements for an American certification...

So that whole argument doesn't really hold water. It's a non-issue.😍

Quincy:

Now what: who is the therapist, what do they do, where, how, how much... I have zero clue about any of it.

That's why this exists...

There's a massive thread full of info on this topic if you want to read it. 🙂 Of course, if you want to keep playing games, you can claim there's too much to read, but then I'll just tell you to go post your question in that thread so you can get answers... let's just skip the nonsense.😁