#1 ·
Hi everyone, sending my best wishes to all of you!
I’m new here. I decided to register because I have this overwhelming need to share this "state of being" that just won't let me go.
I’m 20 years old. I’m currently a sophomore in college—it’s not exactly my dream school, but I don't hate it either, and I certainly don't think my studies are the root cause of my issues.
Back in my junior year of high school, I started feeling this occasional sense of dread toward everything. It was a depression that would grip me for a few days and then let go, and then repeat... until those few days eventually morphed into a constant, heavy presence in my head.
About two years ago, I had a realization that absolutely shook me. I tried to work through it with someone very close to me, weighing all the evidence for and against the things I was hearing... and I ended up pouring so much time and energy into trying to see the situation positively and simply choosing to believe them.
I think that was the trigger that accelerated everything. Since then, I’ve found myself trusting my family and the world around me less and less.
I’ve been in a relationship for two years now. We’ve had our ups and downs, just like any couple, but we love each other. Before this, I was in a three-year relationship during high school that ended terribly for me. I dealt with threats, being followed around town, manic phone calls... basically, ever since then, my tolerance threshold has been incredibly low, and I tend to snap quickly out of fear that someone might treat me like that again.
In that previous relationship, I suppressed so much of myself, and now it's all coming back to haunt me through my dreams and these intrusive thoughts. For my age, I feel like I've lived through a lifetime of chaos. I couldn't pull myself away from that relationship at first, but after two years, I finally stood my ground and realized he was unstable. Between that fear, the shock from what happened two years ago, my general hypersensitivity, and my tendency to overanalyze everything, it's taken its toll. I feel like I've been falling apart for a year now.
The anxiety is so intense sometimes that I feel like I’m going to jump out of my own skin. It’s often accompanied by heart palpitations or chest pains. I've even had a few bouts of suicidal ideation. I find myself distrusting everyone, and I try to control every single detail of my life just so nothing slips through my fingers again. I've become a total control freak—it's scary. If a friend calls me spontaneously to hang out when I hadn't planned on leaving the house (even if I don't have anything specific scheduled), I'll stay home. There are plenty of other examples, but I'm already rambling too much in this post. I constantly wonder what people are thinking or how they are feeling. There was even a phase where I thought it would be better if I just vanished so my family could breathe easier. At one point, I actually packed a suitcase and left... though I came back soon enough, because where would I go without a plan? 🤷I just don't know how to function like that. Lately, I've been afraid of people. I spend the rest of my day analyzing anything that deviates from what I expected. It’s hell... I haven't felt relaxed in years... I can't keep living like this.
Should I see a psychologist? A psychiatrist? On the other hand, the people who seem to understand this say it isn't anything catastrophic and that I just need to "work on myself." But how? I just don't have the strength.
I’m new here. I decided to register because I have this overwhelming need to share this "state of being" that just won't let me go.
I’m 20 years old. I’m currently a sophomore in college—it’s not exactly my dream school, but I don't hate it either, and I certainly don't think my studies are the root cause of my issues.
Back in my junior year of high school, I started feeling this occasional sense of dread toward everything. It was a depression that would grip me for a few days and then let go, and then repeat... until those few days eventually morphed into a constant, heavy presence in my head.
About two years ago, I had a realization that absolutely shook me. I tried to work through it with someone very close to me, weighing all the evidence for and against the things I was hearing... and I ended up pouring so much time and energy into trying to see the situation positively and simply choosing to believe them.
I think that was the trigger that accelerated everything. Since then, I’ve found myself trusting my family and the world around me less and less.
I’ve been in a relationship for two years now. We’ve had our ups and downs, just like any couple, but we love each other. Before this, I was in a three-year relationship during high school that ended terribly for me. I dealt with threats, being followed around town, manic phone calls... basically, ever since then, my tolerance threshold has been incredibly low, and I tend to snap quickly out of fear that someone might treat me like that again.
In that previous relationship, I suppressed so much of myself, and now it's all coming back to haunt me through my dreams and these intrusive thoughts. For my age, I feel like I've lived through a lifetime of chaos. I couldn't pull myself away from that relationship at first, but after two years, I finally stood my ground and realized he was unstable. Between that fear, the shock from what happened two years ago, my general hypersensitivity, and my tendency to overanalyze everything, it's taken its toll. I feel like I've been falling apart for a year now.
The anxiety is so intense sometimes that I feel like I’m going to jump out of my own skin. It’s often accompanied by heart palpitations or chest pains. I've even had a few bouts of suicidal ideation. I find myself distrusting everyone, and I try to control every single detail of my life just so nothing slips through my fingers again. I've become a total control freak—it's scary. If a friend calls me spontaneously to hang out when I hadn't planned on leaving the house (even if I don't have anything specific scheduled), I'll stay home. There are plenty of other examples, but I'm already rambling too much in this post. I constantly wonder what people are thinking or how they are feeling. There was even a phase where I thought it would be better if I just vanished so my family could breathe easier. At one point, I actually packed a suitcase and left... though I came back soon enough, because where would I go without a plan? 🤷I just don't know how to function like that. Lately, I've been afraid of people. I spend the rest of my day analyzing anything that deviates from what I expected. It’s hell... I haven't felt relaxed in years... I can't keep living like this.
Should I see a psychologist? A psychiatrist? On the other hand, the people who seem to understand this say it isn't anything catastrophic and that I just need to "work on myself." But how? I just don't have the strength.