Pol Pot, have you ever actually sat down with the works of
George Ivanovich Gurdjieff? He makes the exact point you're currently wrestling with—that you feel a total lack of agency over your own existence. In fact, his whole thesis is that most people are essentially sleepwalking through life, their actions being nothing more than "mechanical" reactions triggered by
random EXTERNAL circumstances, much like what you've been noticing lately. He also dives into this idea of human fragmentation, the delusion that we possess some sort of single, permanent "Self" when we really don't.
Anonymous said:I am incredibly, paralyzingly indecisive. It’s a struggle that has haunted me for years, but it really started eating me alive once I finished college.
Life was easy enough when I was just following the script—elementary school, high school, moving along like everyone else. When it came time to pick a major, I spent forever agonizing over whether to go for a technical degree or something more liberal arts, or which specific track to take. I eventually scraped by with a choice, though looking back, I feel like I've made almost every decision since then wrong.
That suffocating feeling of being unable to choose really kicked in after I got my diploma. It usually follows this exact pattern:
1. Should I join the military or look for a civilian job? One option offered a stable career path, but I had no idea if that was actually what I wanted. Looking back now, I actually kind of regret not going, but at the time, I just couldn't wrap my head around it. By the time the window for active duty closed, I ended up in a civilian role instead.— SO, IT WASN'T REALLY A CHOICE I MADE; CIRCUMSTANCES DECIDED FOR ME. Even today, I still can't tell if I made the right call.
2. Should I take a job at a small local startup or aim for a massive corporation like Amazon or Google, even if the work would be entry-level and totally unrelated to my degree? Once the deadline passed for the big corporate applications, I just defaulted to the small firm.— IN OTHER WORDS, THE EXPIRATION DATE MADE THE DECISION FOR ME.
3. Around that same time, I met an amazing girl. But instead of stepping up, I played these weird games of "hot and cold," acting like this polished, successful engineer when I was really just winging it. I couldn't make a move. By the time I finally realized how much she meant to me, she had already moved on to someone more decisive.— AGAIN, I DIDN'T MAKE A CHOICE; I JUST LET LIFE HAPPEN TO ME..
4. After joining that small firm, I quickly realized it was a shady, poorly run operation. Still, I clung to it, telling myself, "At least I'm working in my field." I was too paralyzed to decide whether to quit, so I stayed until the whole company basically collapsed.— ONCE MORE, FATE AND CIRCUMSTANCE MADE THE CALL, NOT ME.
5. I accepted the next available job offer, even though I wasn't sure about it. I kept telling myself I needed to keep leveling up and hunting for something better, but I lacked the guts to actually pull the trigger on a big career move. Maybe I was just blind, or maybe I was just waiting for the company to fail so that DESTINY COULD DECIDE MY NEXT MOVE FOR ME AGAIN.
6. I dated someone else, but I constantly pressured her with questions about whether we were "meant to be"—almost like I was trying to force her to give me the answer I couldn't find myself. We broke up, and I wasn't even sure if that was the right move. History repeated itself: while I was sitting there overthinking whether to try and win her back, she had already found someone else.— ONCE AGAIN, I LEFT IT UP TO CHANCE AND CIRCUMSTANCE.
7. A friend offered to help me transition into a new role at a different company, but I couldn't commit. It's like I lack basic common sense sometimes; I just couldn't decide. I think I was just waiting for the "perfect moment" that never comes. Well, that moment passed. When I finally called the hiring manager to ask for another week to think it over, he told me he'd already hired someone else. And honestly? Part of me felt relieved because the decision was taken out of my hands.— I HAD ONCE AGAIN SURRENDERED MY FUTURE TO SOMEONE ELSE, and technically, I should be upset about that.
8. I bought a car, but I spent the entire time wondering if I should have taken out a loan for a newer model or if buying used was the smarter play. Predictably, I ended up pulling the trigger only when the very last one at that specific price point was left on the lot. I didn't buy it because I wanted it; I bought it out of a fear of missing a deal.
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Basically, this graveyard of missed professional opportunities is starting to choke my personal life, too. My romantic life looks just as messy because, in that arena, I haven't been able to make a single real decision, and the ones I did manage to make turned out to be total disasters..
X-Y. It happens when I'm just buying clothes, too. I'll try everything on and leave the sales clerk standing there in complete confusion because I can't commit to a single item. If only I were this indecisive about my wardrobe and not my entire existence.
So, what's wrong with my brain?🤷
Is it a lack of courage?
Am I just lazy?
Or maybe I'm just too picky?
Maybe I wasn't built to lead, but more like a mule that needs someone constantly barking orders at it?
Or maybe I’m actually fine and just spiraling?
Or am I just a coward who's terrified of my own shadow?
I was a top-tier student, and honestly, people in my social circle think pretty highly of me. But deep down, I’m miserable. I simply don't have a clue what my life looks like six months from now, let alone five years down the line. I’m just letting life happen to me. It feels like since I graduated, I haven't even moved an inch forward.
I overanalyze everything to death every time I have to make a choice. It’s cost me countless sleepless nights, and I still walk away feeling like I picked the wrong path every single time. I think the stress is even starting to mess with my blood pressure. I don't know how to fix this. I have zero vision and the uncertainty of the future is eating me alive.
A few times in my life, I actually made the right call and it paid off big time, but lately, that sense of reward is gone. I don't feel like I'm on the right track anymore, so I can't even commit to anything. I end up looking incompetent, even though I know deep down that isn't true.
Long story short:
I don't know. Honestly, I have no idea what would actually make me happy. I don't know what's wrong with me. I find a reason to quit in every single situation....
If I actually knew what brought me joy, I’d go after it, but right now, nothing feels worth the effort. I clearly have a broken decision-making process....
Does anyone have any advice? Has anyone else felt this way? Any book recommendations? What is actually going on in my head? What do I need to let go of? What should I be working on?
Is there any hope for me?
If you head over to
this link, check out the "Gnosticism" folder, and you'll find these specific titles to get you started:
"view from the real world"
"Life is Real When I am Alive"
"quarter path"
"In Search of Miracles"
... and after that, if you're still hungry for more, you can wander through the rest of his bibliography. Honestly, what I've listed here is plenty to give you a starting point to recognize your own patterns in his writing.
The subsequent books will guide you toward understanding this massive anomaly that has plagued human history: the "inner monologue"—that relentless, torrential stream of thought flowing through the mind, and how devastatingly it impacts an individual who mistakenly identifies themselves as those very thoughts! Most people aren't even aware they've lost the steering wheel to the constant chatter in their heads; they just passively listen to it. Very few people actually possess the capacity for absolute mastery over their thoughts—the ability to bring that stream to a complete standstill.
Eckhart Tolle - "power of the present moment" -
downloadMark R. Leary - "The Curse of the Self: Self-Awareness, Egotism, and the quality of human life" -
download
