Paralyzed by indecision

steelskipper4 said:

PolPot says:


I might make a decision if I happen to be tagging along with someone while they shop and I spot a shirt that catches my eye, even though I never actually intended to buy anything at all. In that scenario, the entire checklist of logic—price, genuine intent to purchase, whether I actually need it right this second—is completely bypassed; I’m simply selecting a color and calling it a day. However, the very instant I begin to actually THINK (wondering if it will pair well with the jeans and shoes I already own, or how long the summer will last so I can actually get some use out of a short-sleeved shirt...), that's when my decision-making speed hits a brick wall.

***

It is that fleeting second before my brain kicks in to weigh a dozen different criteria. That moment is incredibly brief, and compared to the heavy analytical process that launches just a heartbeat later, that initial, purely intuitive sensation—entirely devoid of conscious emotion—simply evaporates... by the end, I can't even remember what I subconsciously gravitated toward at first glance.....

***

This is more of a theoretical point....

It feels like theory to you because you aren't accounting for that "gut instinct" within the body—that visceral reaction which wants or doesn't want something regardless of your willpower, making its own executive decisions. Try listening to what your body is telling you during your next few choices; it costs you absolutely nothing, and you might see what happens. Use your brain merely to interpret what the body is feeling.

“If you make the wrong choice, your body knows it, just as anyone else's body would; but if you make the right choice, your body knows that too, and it relaxes, instantly forgetting that a choice was ever even made.”

"Price of coffee", Carlos Castaneda

In principle, this idea about gut feelings actually makes sense, but I’ve never been the type of person to make snap judgments. Whenever a major decision comes my way, I already know I’m going to be agonizing over it for days, right up until the very last second when the deadline hits. Maybe I really should start paying more attention to that initial instinct.

Do you struggle with something similar?

Anonymous said:In principle, this idea about gut feelings actually makes sense, but I’ve never been the type of person to make snap judgments. Whenever a major decision comes my way, I already know I’m going to be agonizing over it for days, right up until the very last second when the deadline hits. Maybe I really should start paying more attention to that initial instinct.

Do you struggle with something similar?

Don't look at it through the lens of "speed," because that’s simply not what the quality of an initial gut feeling is about; it is inextricably linked to the USA and NOW (the present moment) and to the desires and physical needs of your body that reflect the current state of your being.

When a person "never" takes that initial instinct into account, they aren't actually allowing that sensation to develop, and such a primal feeling can be distilled down to just a few words: "yes" and "no," "I like this" and "I don't like this," "I am satisfied" and "I am not satisfied." However, once you begin to listen to it, you will start to cultivate it, and it will eventually speak to you in much more nuanced ways than it does now.

Start making decisions regarding minor things as a way to "train" yourself and get better acquainted with that primary instinct.

Keep in mind that "mental debates" and "mental imagery" can toss your emotions around, whereas, on the other hand, the conscious (external) facts perceived by your senses can also trigger feelings. You should consider the initial gut feeling that arises under the influence of those conscious facts.

Anonymous said:In principle, this idea about gut feelings actually makes sense, but I’ve never been the type of person to make snap judgments. Whenever a major decision comes my way, I already know I’m going to be agonizing over it for days, right up until the very last second when the deadline hits. Maybe I really should start paying more attention to that initial instinct.

Do you struggle with something similar?

Of course, even I find myself being indecisive sometimes, though it's usually a fleeting state. I am merely describing how I personally navigate decisions and sharing what I've observed from talking to others who consider themselves indecisive. There is always that initial spark, which almost invariably gets neglected or lost once the "mental debates" begin to take over.

If the term "initial gut feeling" feels a bit heavy for you, feel free to swap it with "choose heart," "pay attention to intuition," "don't ignore your emotions," or whatever fits—these are all characteristics of your emotional apparatus (something you were born with, unlike those "mental debates" which are acquired later in life), which is precisely why I stick to the term "initial gut feeling."

When you begin contemplating a decision, try using that information floating around in your "mental debates" as a tool to understand and act in alignment with that primary instinct. Don't disregard that initial feeling, for it is an integral part of who you are.

Hey Pol Pot, I feel like I could almost quote most of your posts word-for-word and just sign my name at the bottom 🙂.
I’ve always been quite indecisive, though I really try to limit those moments to a minimum. Even small things can be a struggle—like trying to decide which brand of laundry detergent to grab at Target. I find myself weighing every single variable, from the price point and volume to the manufacturer, treating the decision with this intense perfectionism as if my entire life depended on making the "correct" choice... it's just how my brain works when I'm in organizer mode.

My husband actually helps me navigate this quite a bit. I’ve started handing over all the "trivial" decisions to him, deciding ahead of time that whatever he picks will be perfectly fine with me... and honestly, any 😁 usually works out great! Most of our bigger choices are made through long talks together anyway. However, when it comes to decisions that affect only me—mostly stuff related to my career—I still find myself struggling to pull the trigger on my own.

That tendency toward being indecisive is just part of who you are, and it isn't going to vanish overnight. What you really need to do is start taking small risks and just make the call, while learning to embrace the consequences. At the end of the day, it's those consequences that seem to worry both of us the most.

casualfox0 said:Hey Pol Pot, I feel like I could almost quote most of your posts word-for-word and just sign my name at the bottom 🙂.
I’ve always been quite indecisive, though I really try to limit those moments to a minimum. Even small things can be a struggle—like trying to decide which brand of laundry detergent to grab at Target. I find myself weighing every single variable, from the price point and volume to the manufacturer, treating the decision with this intense perfectionism as if my entire life depended on making the "correct" choice... it's just how my brain works when I'm in organizer mode.

My husband actually helps me navigate this quite a bit. I’ve started handing over all the "trivial" decisions to him, deciding ahead of time that whatever he picks will be perfectly fine with me... and honestly, any 😁 usually works out great! Most of our bigger choices are made through long talks together anyway. However, when it comes to decisions that affect only me—mostly stuff related to my career—I still find myself struggling to pull the trigger on my own.

That tendency toward being indecisive is just part of who you are, and it isn't going to vanish overnight. What you really need to do is start taking small risks and just make the call, while learning to embrace the consequences. At the end of the day, it's those consequences that seem to worry both of us the most.

We’re exactly the same. It’s the consequences and the FEAR that one wrong move will ruin everything. That’s the real issue: the fear of what happens next.

Why do we assume everything will turn out terrible no matter what we pick?
Are you just a natural pessimist? Because I definitely am.

And why haven't we built up a solid value system? It feels like either everything is going to fail, or things are rarely ever truly great.

steelskipper4
If all else fails, I’m at least going to try and stay locked in on that initial spark—just so I don't forget what I was feeling in that very first moment

As for what happens after that? Who knows

I’m stuck in that cycle again—facing a massive decision, tossing and turning all night, and just feeling like I want to crawl out of my own skin. It’s driving me insane.

How do you actually conquer yourself?

That initial gut feeling is heavily influenced by your headspace at the moment. If you’re dealing with high stress or just feeling off, about half of that first impression is likely just a projection of your own state of mind...
When I reflect on my first impressions—whether they're about a person or a situation—it feels like an all-or-nothing scenario. It's either spot on, or it turns out to be completely wrong...
It can be quite difficult to pinpoint the exact line where a first impression ends and logic begins...

Honestly, I also "suffer" from this constant, exhausting habit of overanalyzing everything I’ve ever said—replaying what I said in one moment versus another, wondering if a single sentence back then is the reason I'm facing certain consequences today. I tend to be incredibly indecisive, and I give up on things way too easily, which has caused me to make some enemies—though maybe that’s too strong a word? It’s more like people who would just mock my next attempt at something, making me want to quit before I even start. Whenever I hit a metaphorical "crossroads" in life, instead of just pushing forward, I get paralyzed by this massive fear of failure, of new pain, or just being rejected by someone else... I honestly don't know how to break this cycle. Maybe the real solution is just walking away from this environment and these people entirely... Anyway, it’s all just been making me feel pretty miserable lately.

Anonymous said:I’m stuck in that cycle again—facing a massive decision, tossing and turning all night, and just feeling like I want to crawl out of my own skin. It’s driving me insane.

How do you actually conquer yourself?

Hold on a second. If you truly believe everything ends badly no matter what you choose—meaning you're a pessimist—then where does the room for fear come from? You know, that fear of making the wrong call and ruining everything? By saying that, you're actually implying there *are* good decisions to be made and outcomes that aren't total disasters. So, doesn't that make you an optimist?😁 Which one is it, really?😁

feralranger22 said:That initial gut feeling is heavily influenced by your headspace at the moment. If you’re dealing with high stress or just feeling off, about half of that first impression is likely just a projection of your own state of mind...
When I reflect on my first impressions—whether they're about a person or a situation—it feels like an all-or-nothing scenario. It's either spot on, or it turns out to be completely wrong...
It can be quite difficult to pinpoint the exact line where a first impression ends and logic begins...

I’d compare it to being drunk—well, specifically me after a few drinks.
Everything feels doable and totally worth it in the moment, but once the hangover hits, everything looks difficult and pointless again.

nimblepilot75 said:Honestly, I also "suffer" from this constant, exhausting habit of overanalyzing everything I’ve ever said—replaying what I said in one moment versus another, wondering if a single sentence back then is the reason I'm facing certain consequences today. I tend to be incredibly indecisive, and I give up on things way too easily, which has caused me to make some enemies—though maybe that’s too strong a word? It’s more like people who would just mock my next attempt at something, making me want to quit before I even start. Whenever I hit a metaphorical "crossroads" in life, instead of just pushing forward, I get paralyzed by this massive fear of failure, of new pain, or just being rejected by someone else... I honestly don't know how to break this cycle. Maybe the real solution is just walking away from this environment and these people entirely... Anyway, it’s all just been making me feel pretty miserable lately.

I totally get it. I spend my whole day second-guessing myself, and it always ruins my mood when I realize I actually have to make a decision. I struggle with giving up easily too, and I constantly find myself wondering what anyone else would do in my shoes. However, I disagree with one thing: you shouldn't just run away from your surroundings. If you move, you'll probably just end up in the exact same situation somewhere else. I think I’ve been indecisive since the day I was born, and it’s something I’ll likely carry with me forever. I'm really just looking for advice on how to stop this from wrecking my life.

Christian Sanchez4 said:Hold on a second. If you truly believe everything ends badly no matter what you choose—meaning you're a pessimist—then where does the room for fear come from? You know, that fear of making the wrong call and ruining everything? By saying that, you're actually implying there *are* good decisions to be made and outcomes that aren't total disasters. So, doesn't that make you an optimist?😁 Which one is it, really?😁

I don't think it works like that. If you're a pessimist, you're convinced that every single choice you make is just a recipe for disaster. Everything will be a mistake. In that mindset, you’d rather just stand still and never take a path at all. But since life forces you to move, you end up being pushed into decisions, always feeling like you've picked the wrong direction. It's incredibly frustrating. That's why I absolutely loathe crossroads and big life choices. Honestly, I'd be way less stressed if life were just one long one-way street, even if it was full of potholes. Why? Because then I wouldn't have this damn constant insecurity or the nagging feeling that I've messed up yet again.

😢 I honestly have no idea what I want out of life. I feel this desperate need to find a core passion, but the problem is that everything interests me and absolutely nothing does at the same time. I want to be a voracious reader, master a dozen different languages, study every living thing under the sun, travel the world, and actually master my own professional field—though even there, I’m paralyzed by three different career paths I can't stop vacillating between. Time is just slipping through my fingers while I hesitate, and I haven't even begun to dive deep into a single one. Beyond my job, I want to pursue something entirely unrelated, I want to be an absolute expert in my industry, and I want to stay in peak physical condition... yet I barely manage to hit the pavement for a run twice in two weeks. I don't know how to make a choice, how to narrow my focus down to just a few things and actually commit. 😢 It isn't even that I try and then fail; it's that I often don't even attempt it. 😢 There is so much I want to achieve, but I’m haunted by this feeling that life will simply pass me by while I sit here being indecisive, leaving me as absolutely nothing in the end. 😢

Starting this thread because I am exactly the same way 😲

I’m indecisive to a painful degree. Whenever I have to make a choice, I get this knot in my stomach and feel almost nauseous.
The only difference between me and the person who started this thread is that small stuff doesn't paralyze me—I can just "get through" it. I might struggle choosing between pizza or pasta, or which toppings to get, but I pick one and move on. Same with clothes. For me, those aren't life-altering decisions.

But picking a career, deciding to move in with my boyfriend, getting married, or having kids? That’s when the panic sets in.

I don't really care what other people would do; that's not my issue. What haunts me is wishing I could actually see into the future to know how Choice A turns out compared to Choice B.
If everyone I ask agrees on a direction, I can usually convince myself it's the right call. But it kills me when my boyfriend thinks one thing, my sister thinks another, my brother says something else entirely, and my parents disagree with all of them... I just get torn apart. I end up thinking, "If I go with my sister's advice, she'll just say 'I told you so' if it goes wrong, and I'll be kicking myself for not listening."

I have this deep-seated fear that I'll make the wrong choice and spend my whole life regretting it. Honestly, I’m already regretting a bunch of trivial things about how I've lived so far. I learned one foreign language, but I feel like I should have mastered at least two. I didn't go out much during college, though I feel like I should have. I’ve never lived on my own, and I feel like I should have done that too... and sure, I can still do all those things now, but it feels different. It wouldn't have the same impact if I hadn't done it then. What am I going to do, start exploring at 30? If I move out now, I'll be doing it as a working woman instead of just a student, etc., etc...

I constantly obsess over how crucial every decision is, how there's no turning back once I decide, and how I only have one life. If I pick Option A, Option B is gone forever—and I’m terrified that there won't even be an Option C that looks anything like B. Maybe there will be, maybe not. Even though I'm not even 30 yet, I have this feeling that my life will pass me by and I'll end up dissatisfied with everything I chose.

Work is the hardest part. I am perpetually torn between chasing a high-powered career or picking a job that gives me more free time.

Someone mentioned upbringing and family, and I really related to that. I grew up in a pretty strict household. They had rules for everything: what time I had to be home, where I was allowed to go, what was off-limits... I never once broke a rule. To give a silly example: if my mom told me I wasn't allowed to ride on a motorcycle and I went to a friend's house 186 miles and they invited me for a ride, I wouldn't go. Even though there is zero chance she would ever find out, I’d be terrified that someone she knows might run into us and somehow the news would get back to her. I don't even know why, because even if I did break the rule, nothing catastrophic would happen; I'd just get a childish punishment and survive. I think I've imposed that fear on myself more than my parents ever did, because even now, when I don't have to report to them, I still feel like I do.

I’ve been scrolling through all your posts lately, and honestly, I feel like I can see myself in every single one of them! I’m actually so indecisive that I wasn't even sure how to start this sentence, haha!

Look, just go out there and test-drive different things—really get your hands dirty—and then try to compare them. If you can't figure out what actually clicks with you that way, just sit down and write out a pros and cons list for everything you've tried. It sounds tedious, I know, but once you see it laid out, you can make a logical choice instead of just guessing.

You should probably check out my other thread, "What do you want to be, have, and do?". I pulled a few questions from this one book I read, and honestly, they might be exactly what you need to finally wrap your head around what you actually want out of life.