How do you deal with people who just don't like you?

Joshua Carter97 said:I have no idea how anyone manages to stay indifferent... I can try to swallow my feelings and suppress them like I do, but the end result is just feeling like I'm going to pop like popcorn... I haven't exactly developed "thick skin" yet.

I suspect it isn't even about hatred, but rather that they just find me unlikable and I get under their skin as a person... and you know how people act when they just can't stand someone...

And what exactly are you suppressing? I don't follow... there's nothing unnatural about it.
Do you actually like everyone you encounter? Do you genuinely enjoy every single person you're forced to deal with—whether you want to or not, since we don't always get a choice?
It's just like how you don't feel the same way about everyone; there's a huge spectrum, so it's not like everyone needs to adore or love you, so why all the drama? Just be yourself, I really don't see the issue here.🤷

Well, if you had absolutely no one standing by your side... that would be a different story, but this...🙄

Joshua Carter97 said:I just came across a book titled "Do You Want to Be Loved?"... and according to the blurb, being likable is essentially the bedrock of success. It supposedly offers strategies on how to ramp up that appeal, claiming that charisma isn't just a nice bonus—it's vital, practical, and likely the deciding factor in any competitive arena. I haven't actually read it yet, so I'm just quoting the description here.

Is that even possible? 😕

The deciding factor?
Of course. It’s useful to be "liked" by the majority or the key decision-makers when making a choice. Not necessarily everyone. Yes, being likable is incredibly practical. I have no idea what wisdom they've packed into that book, but there's a limit to how much you can crank up that "likability" before you start looking desperate.😁
You can't please every single taste out there...

Sandra Parker3 said:And what exactly are you suppressing? I don't follow... there's nothing unnatural about it.
Do you actually like everyone you encounter? Do you genuinely enjoy every single person you're forced to deal with—whether you want to or not, since we don't always get a choice?
It's just like how you don't feel the same way about everyone; there's a huge spectrum, so it's not like everyone needs to adore or love you, so why all the drama? Just be yourself, I really don't see the issue here.🤷

Well, if you had absolutely no one standing by your side... that would be a different story, but this...🙄

The deciding factor?
Of course. It’s useful to be "liked" by the majority or the key decision-makers when making a choice. Not necessarily everyone. Yes, being likable is incredibly practical. I have no idea what wisdom they've packed into that book, but there's a limit to how much you can crank up that "likability" before you start looking desperate.😁
You can't please every single taste out there...

For me, it’s things like eye-rolling, for example. What I mean is, I can tell myself that a person is an idiot and choose to ignore them, but it still stings... it's the same with words. I have the option to yell at someone, pick a fight, cry, or whatever else—or I can just swallow it (suppress it, meaning acting like nothing happened) until I'm ready to deal with it.
Some people don't even notice an eye-roll because it doesn't affect them.
Personally, I don't think it's fair for you to dismiss my struggle as "drama," because it isn't drama to me if I'm the one feeling the impact.

Joshua Carter97 said:I frequently find myself in a situation where people either absolutely adore me or can't stand my guts... which is perfectly fine in my personal life, but I'm struggling with how to handle it professionally. It’s honestly pretty disheartening to discover that there are several colleagues who would much rather I didn't work with them anymore. 😢

Maybe you need to take a hard look at how you deal with those people and vice versa. Just be objective and figure out where the friction is. I mean, healthy relationships usually require some flexibility and adjusting to each other.

Joshua Carter97 said:I frequently find myself in a situation where people either absolutely adore me or can't stand my guts... which is perfectly fine in my personal life, but I'm struggling with how to handle it professionally. It’s honestly pretty disheartening to discover that there are several colleagues who would much rather I didn't work with them anymore. 😢

Some wise soul once pointed out that having enemies is actually a sign of achievement
So honestly, I wear my list of haters like a badge of honor (and yeah, the list is growing)🙂 🙂

And why on earth are you sweating the office crowd? Look, if you’re actually good at what you do, you aren't going to get fired, so just breathe. Seriously. If I were you, I'd be way more concerned about whether my actual friends liked me, though even then, I wouldn't lose sleep over it too much. Just enough to stop and ask myself, "Hey, did I mess up here?" And if I did? Well, what can you 🤷 We're only human, after all...

By the way, it sounds to me like you're one of those people who tries way too hard to be everyone's best friend. Honestly? That might be exactly what's driving them crazy. People like that—the ones who are constantly apologizing, showering everyone with compliments, taking the fall for everything, and being physically incapable of saying "no"—they drive me absolutely insane! Try showing a little bit of backbone for once. You might find people start respecting you more. And from where I'm sitting, it looks like you've got nothing to lose by 😁

Anyway, just be decent to everyone. Show them you actually have some class and manners. Make sure they feel like you're way above their level.

Brenda Jones7 said:Some wise soul once pointed out that having enemies is actually a sign of achievement
So honestly, I wear my list of haters like a badge of honor (and yeah, the list is growing)🙂 🙂

And why on earth are you sweating the office crowd? Look, if you’re actually good at what you do, you aren't going to get fired, so just breathe. Seriously. If I were you, I'd be way more concerned about whether my actual friends liked me, though even then, I wouldn't lose sleep over it too much. Just enough to stop and ask myself, "Hey, did I mess up here?" And if I did? Well, what can you 🤷 We're only human, after all...

By the way, it sounds to me like you're one of those people who tries way too hard to be everyone's best friend. Honestly? That might be exactly what's driving them crazy. People like that—the ones who are constantly apologizing, showering everyone with compliments, taking the fall for everything, and being physically incapable of saying "no"—they drive me absolutely insane! Try showing a little bit of backbone for once. You might find people start respecting you more. And from where I'm sitting, it looks like you've got nothing to lose by 😁

possible. 😳

But what’s actually wrong with that? Why does it get under your skin so much? I know I tend to over-apologize—I'm fully aware of it—but I just feel terrible whenever someone gets angry with me. Wouldn't you consider the possibility that the person actually has good intentions?
Sometimes my own behavior reminds me of a stray dog looking for a home, only to get kicked away instead. I have this nagging feeling that being defensive just triggers aggression in others, though I can never quite wrap my head around why.
I just don't feel strong enough to stand my ground and show some teeth.

Joshua Carter97 said:For me, it’s things like eye-rolling, for example. What I mean is, I can tell myself that a person is an idiot and choose to ignore them, but it still stings... it's the same with words. I have the option to yell at someone, pick a fight, cry, or whatever else—or I can just swallow it (suppress it, meaning acting like nothing happened) until I'm ready to deal with it.
Some people don't even notice an eye-roll because it doesn't affect them.
Personally, I don't think it's fair for you to dismiss my struggle as "drama," because it isn't drama to me if I'm the one feeling the impact.

What kind of consequences? I don't see you mentioning any actual fallout, other than the fact that you're feeling bad.
Whether it's nice or not, I'm just saying what most people would think; show me these "consequences" and let's see...
It bothers me, it hurts me, but it passes, just like everything else.
The only real issue I see here is that you mentioned somewhere that you try to make everyone like you.
You aren't going to pull that off, obviously.

So, instead of getting defensive, just take a second to think about how many people actually dislike you when you roll your eyes... is there anyone? If there isn't... then you have a problem.
If there is, just accept it and realize you won't be everyone's favorite person and some people might actually hate you.
And another thing, people are incredibly fickle... and their feelings—especially those casual connections like coworkers you mentioned—are so fleeting. Everything changes so fast that people who don't like you today might change their minds tomorrow (and vice versa), so why get so upset 😁 over an eye roll today when things could be totally different tomorrow without you even knowing what caused the shift?
Maybe.

The issue is that people—specifically those who actually have my best interests at heart 😁—keep insisting that this is just how things work in every workplace and telling me I should just look it up online. But honestly, how am I even supposed to go about doing that?

Joshua Carter97 said:But what’s actually wrong with that? Why does it get under your skin so much? I know I tend to over-apologize—I'm fully aware of it—but I just feel terrible whenever someone gets angry with me. Wouldn't you consider the possibility that the person actually has good intentions?
Sometimes my own behavior reminds me of a stray dog looking for a home, only to get kicked away instead. I have this nagging feeling that being defensive just triggers aggression in others, though I can never quite wrap my head around why.
I just don't feel strong enough to stand my ground and show some teeth.

because it's just the easiest way for them to feel superior.😉

Sandra Parker3 said:What kind of consequences? I don't see you mentioning any actual fallout, other than the fact that you're feeling bad.
Whether it's nice or not, I'm just saying what most people would think; show me these "consequences" and let's see...
It bothers me, it hurts me, but it passes, just like everything else.
The only real issue I see here is that you mentioned somewhere that you try to make everyone like you.
You aren't going to pull that off, obviously.

So, instead of getting defensive, just take a second to think about how many people actually dislike you when you roll your eyes... is there anyone? If there isn't... then you have a problem.
If there is, just accept it and realize you won't be everyone's favorite person and some people might actually hate you.
And another thing, people are incredibly fickle... and their feelings—especially those casual connections like coworkers you mentioned—are so fleeting. Everything changes so fast that people who don't like you today might change their minds tomorrow (and vice versa), so why get so upset 😁 over an eye roll today when things could be totally different tomorrow without you even knowing what caused the shift?
Maybe.

As for consequences, I'm already dealing with stomach knots every time I head into the office... because it makes me seriously consider quitting.
I try to be likable because I'm trying to avoid that eye-rolling in the first place.

Joshua Carter97 said:The issue is that people—specifically those who actually have my best interests at heart 😁—keep insisting that this is just how things work in every workplace and telling me I should just look it up online. But honestly, how am I even supposed to go about doing that?

well, if you ask me... after enough time passes and you gain some actual experience, you kind of realize that the more people roll their eyes at you, the sooner you'll end up Googling it yourself.
see, in a weird way, you should probably be thankful 😉
though obviously, you first have to realize that their behavior is what's actually molding you into a "mature adult"... I mean, someone a little less sensitive than you are right now
something like that 🙂

Quincy:

=Nikolajevna;14038451]Kudos to you. Honestly, I doubt I could be that indifferent about it if I were in your shoes.

It’s just years of hardening myself.😁 I wasn't always this way—quite the opposite, actually. These days, very little truly gets under my skin. Unless it involves people I actually care about, everyone else is basically just background noise to me.

Quincy:

I have my doubts about this whole hatred thing. Why would anyone hate you? Sure, it can happen even when you haven't done anything wrong, but it shouldn't be a rule that there's always someone out to get you; in fact, it's pretty rare.

Maybe "hatred" is too strong a word, but I've personally dealt with people genuinely hating me on two or three separate occasions, despite doing absolutely nothing to them. I've never quite wrapped my head around the phenomenon of being hated for no reason at all. Then again, there's another type of hatred, but that's a different conversation entirely (like why they bombed my hometown and killed innocent people for four straight years—is that not hatred?).

Joshua Carter97 said:As for consequences, I'm already dealing with stomach knots every time I head into the office... because it makes me seriously consider quitting.
I try to be likable because I'm trying to avoid that eye-rolling in the first place.

🙄No, you clearly missed my previous post...
But maybe this one will make sense.🙄

A stomach knot? Come on, really?
You aren't there to make friends; you're there to do a job and collect a paycheck.
Resign? Over what? Because of some little group that "dislikes" you?😕
All that matters is if your bosses are happy with your work. They're the ones paying you, not those people... 😉

So, what happens if someone who actually holds some power over you decides they just don't like you? Someone who has the leverage to completely tank your reputation?
Are you basically screwed then?

Carl Thompson4 said:So, what happens if someone who actually holds some power over you decides they just don't like you? Someone who has the leverage to completely tank your reputation?
Are you basically screwed then?

You are,🙂 in a way.
But look, they might be in the driver's seat today, but who knows about tomorrow? Maybe it'll be your turn.😉
The bottom line is that work shouldn't be about emotions. There are things you just have to swallow, or let go of... and then find a way to climb the ladder until you reach that specific person's level, and then maybe settle the score... for all those headaches caused along the way.😁Ultimately, it’s the owner or the board of directors that matters. This middle management tier? They don't matter much. Once you realize that, you can just keep moving forward... and onward...

Joshua Carter97 said:But what’s actually wrong with that? Why does it get under your skin so much? I know I tend to over-apologize—I'm fully aware of it—but I just feel terrible whenever someone gets angry with me. Wouldn't you consider the possibility that the person actually has good intentions?
Sometimes my own behavior reminds me of a stray dog looking for a home, only to get kicked away instead. I have this nagging feeling that being defensive just triggers aggression in others, though I can never quite wrap my head around why.
I just don't feel strong enough to stand my ground and show some teeth.

I think you hit the nail on the head there. Though, for what it's worth, I don't have the answer either.

It makes me think of this one coworker—nobody seemed to want anything to do with her, for whatever reason. If you asked me why, I couldn't tell you. She just had that vibe. Kind of lukewarm, uninteresting... even though she was actually a perfectly fine person.

Then again, a lot of it comes down to where you land. From what I can see, she finally found her crowd and seems to be doing great now.

Btw, believe me, both the popular kids and the outcasts deal with the same struggle—finding their "spot." It’s not exactly easy being loved by a huge group of people you wouldn't even want to grab a coffee with.😁

But look, have you actually figured out how many people truly dislike you? Maybe it's not a massive number, maybe you're just hypersensitive. You mentioned wanting everyone to like you—well, that's not how the world works.😁 We aren't all sunshine and rainbows.

At work, I just do what needs to be done and try my best. Honestly, whether I’m working with someone who gets on my nerves or someone I actually like isn't really my main concern. Sure, a good atmosphere and friendly coworkers make things easier, but I'm not at work on a field trip during my off hours. I'm there to work and earn the paycheck I live on, so I just have to deal with whatever "crowd" happens to be around me.
That's just how I see it. 😁

There isn't much room for emotions at the office. It doesn't matter if people like me or dislike me, or if I feel the same about them—the goal is for everyone to do their job well and maximize those earnings. 😁

And yeah, there are definitely people who don't like me or talk behind my back. With them, I stay strictly professional and polite. I don't go out of my way for them; I just do exactly what I’m supposed to do, nothing more and nothing less.
But for the people I actually care about, I’m always ready to jump in and help whenever they need it, because I know they’d do the same for me.
I'm lucky enough that my immediate team is actually wonderful. 🙂

As for the ones gossiping? They can keep right on doing that. 😛 😳
See, about a year ago, me and another girl were the new hires, so I think I pushed myself a bit too hard to prove myself. During that time, some people had their own personal reasons for why they couldn't pull their weight or why they needed extra time off, and I was understanding about it... but once things crossed a line, I spoke up to the manager (several times, regarding various things I felt weren't fair 😁 )...
Once we established a fairer system, that coworker and I suddenly became the villains—the targets of all this "she's like this" and "she's like that" talk. Apparently, we were supposed to just stay quiet and pick up everyone else's slack, since that suited them perfectly (who would have thought 😁 )... they saw it as unfair, because it was actually quite convenient for them to exploit us being the "new kids" to dodge their own responsibilities... 😁

It matters to me that I work honestly and correctly, fulfilling my duties while ensuring others fulfill theirs too, rather than having them dump everything onto me. I'm not a fool who's going to carry the load for lazy, spiteful, and selfish people just so they'll like me... they don't have to like me at all—it doesn't bother me one bit...

Carl Thompson4 said:So, what happens if someone who actually holds some power over you decides they just don't like you? Someone who has the leverage to completely tank your reputation?
Are you basically screwed then?

In principle, that’s exactly how it works, unfortunately. I’m mostly being targeted by a mid-level manager who’s terrified of losing his job. He plays nice with the executives, so I’m not exactly holding my breath for any sense of justice... basically, it’s constant undermining against me and a few others, obviously. And I have to deal with him every single day. If I try to play nice, it doesn't work because he won't fall for those tactics; if I keep my distance, I'm immediately labeled as "arrogant" or told "how dare a junior employee act this way," which leads to an immediate complaint to upper management. I honestly just wish he would get off my back, because there isn't even a logical reason for him to feel this way or act like this.
A handful of people don't like me—that manager and two or three others. It’s not a crowd, but it's enough to make every day a struggle. 😢

Joshua Carter97 said:But what’s actually wrong with that? Why does it get under your skin so much? I know I tend to over-apologize—I'm fully aware of it—but I just feel terrible whenever someone gets angry with me. Wouldn't you consider the possibility that the person actually has good intentions?
Sometimes my own behavior reminds me of a stray dog looking for a home, only to get kicked away instead. I have this nagging feeling that being defensive just triggers aggression in others, though I can never quite wrap my head around why.
I just don't feel strong enough to stand my ground and show some teeth.

stop apologizing, especially when you know you didn't do anything wrong
don't go out of your way trying to be everyone's best friend
just be yourself—be authentic, and if nothing else, at least try to look like you actually believe in yourself. be polite to everyone, stay professional, but don't be pathetic. that’s how you actually attract people and earn their respect
if you try too hard to suck up to everybody, you're just gonna push them away
because they'll think you're fake, weak, or desperate... and honestly, that's a huge turn-off

and you seriously shouldn't show any weakness, especially not at the office
people will walk all over you just because they can
because they see that you need them

and as long as you're acting like a lost puppy begging for a scrap of attention, you're just gonna keep getting screwed over
I once heard this saying, something like: act like a sheep and everyone's gonna slaughter you
act like a lion and everyone's gonna back off...

you'll show your teeth when you've finally had enough... when you've reached your limit... but before that, you gotta endure and swallow a lot of crap... then you start doing your thing. you'll be professional with everyone, polite but strictly business. you won't apologize because you won't give a damn what anyone thinks about you... and people will actually respect you. sure, some people still won't like you, but you won't give a shit. they can roll their eyes all they want, and you'll just give them an even bigger smile and say "good morning." it might even become fun, because you truly won't care

something like that