I can't keep going like this - I need a change

Hi everyone, and Happy Easter. I just got back from a night out that wasn't much to write home about, and since I can't sleep, I'm just sitting here at my computer thinking.

I’ve been lurking on this forum for a while, so I finally decided to post something. I could really use some help or advice—anything, really. The truth is, my self-esteem is pretty low. I have a negative view of myself, I bottle up my emotions, and I struggle with feeling like I'm not enough or that I don't deserve love from others, especially from girls I might want to date. I hide my true personality from people. Even when I go out, I can't just relax; I'm constantly stuck in my own head, worrying about who's looking at me or what they'll think if I do something awkward.

I find it hard to trust anyone because I've convinced myself that everyone is out to get me. I feel like if I ever showed my real self—my actual feelings and thoughts—people would just use them to tear me down. I have people I hang out with and acquaintances, but I don't have any true friends I can actually talk to about this stuff, someone to help me lighten the load so I can finally move forward.

I've built such a massive wall between my inner world and reality. It feels like a fortress with mile-high walls, surrounded by an alligator-filled moat, complete with barricades, barbed wire, and guard dogs. But I am trying to change. I've been reading some psychology books and stuff. How do I find the strength to start? How do I learn to forgive people who hurt me and start trusting them—and myself—again? How do I build up my confidence and a better sense of self? And how do I work on being more communicative and improving my social skills?

I've become emotionally numb, and honestly, I just don't feel much of anything anymore. How do I break out of this state? It's not hopeless, though; I truly want to change because I can't keep living like this. Regarding social skills, I deal with a weird paradox: once I actually get to know people and they become my friends, I can talk to them just fine. But when it comes to meeting someone new or starting a conversation from scratch, I completely freeze up like Windows 😁 especially if there's a girl I'm interested in.

I've always lived in my own little bubble. I've always done everything on my own and never let anyone in, and now I'm just lonely. I realize I made a huge mistake, and I regret all the things I missed out on, but I still believe it's not too late to fix these issues. I try to reflect on my past and my problems, but it isn't easy.

Is there anyone out there who can offer some guidance, or am I going to have to figure this all out on my own, just like I've always done?

Seriously, nobody? 56 views and not a single person...

I know it's Happy Easter and everyone is probably busy hanging out with family or just relaxing at home, but for those of you actually online... nothing? Not even one little piece of advice?

Honestly, who cares what anyone else thinks about you? Seriously, what do you actually gain from worrying about someone else's opinion? At the end of the day, the only thing that truly matters is how you feel about yourself... not what the neighbors or strangers have to say.

You aren't alone. Honestly, it’s the opposite—plenty of people hanging out on this sub actually deal with the exact same struggles and feel just as stuck as you do, so I can't really offer much advice. (Most people spend so much time on forums or lurking online because they lack confidence in their real-world social lives and struggle to communicate face-to-face.) Hopefully, some psychologist or someone who actually managed to turn their life around will pop up here soon to give you some pointers. Hang in there. 🙂

Only truly great individuals possess the capacity to grasp and embrace solitude. This feeling you have—this sense of being socially disconnected, unaccepted, or having built up these massive walls around yourself—it’s a heavy, gloomy way to live. You feel stuck in this void while everyone else seems to be moving forward, occupying specific roles, holding certain positions, and heading off to various
double dates (you know the type, two women and two men hanging out), all within some sort of trendy, high-end social scene. She’s a bank teller, he’s some kind of mid-level manager at Walmart... They have little Mia, who’s about six months old, and the others are already planning the same thing—taking out a couple of loans and obsessing over totally vapid, mindless topics...
Then they’ll just find new things to chatter about, and so it goes, endlessly... right up until death, when they’ll finally be forced to look back and see who they actually were... But they aren't thinking about that now.

Let me tell you straight—it's pointless.

Reality can be harsh and bleak sometimes, but honestly, it’s really just whatever your mind perceives it to be.

And don't forget, just because most people live a certain way doesn't mean it's the "right" way simply because it's the majority consensus....
Find some purpose in your struggle, view this solitude as a crucible, and please, stop trying to be someone you aren't.

That’s exactly what the masses did to Jesus (since it is Easter, after all). Do you honestly think it was easy for Jesus...? Or that he spent his time worrying about being different from the crowd?

Solitude.......... only the strongest can truly exist alone.

Cheers, take care.

Jonathan Wright6, you aren't alone in this. Once I figure out a workaround, I'll let you know.😁
Right now, I'm just trying to sort some things out on my own—honestly hoping I can pull it off! You too!

I don't want to just give you the standard, cookie-cutter advice; I’d much rather offer you a different perspective on this.

Take a moment to really sit with the idea of how much your tendency to shut people out might have actually hurt those closest to you.
You mentioned feeling like the women you've dated never truly loved you the way you deserved. I'd be very interested to hear more about what led you to that conclusion. 🙂

And do you ever stop to consider if you might have wounded the people who became your friends—those same people you admitted to pushing away during your more antisocial phases?
If you’re genuinely looking to turn things around, the first step isn't outward, but inward. You need to reshape how you view yourself and, by extension, how you view everyone else. It starts with being mindful of how your specific actions ripple out and affect the lives of the people around you.

In my own experience, I've found that people who struggle to socialize often fall into a trap of intense egocentrism. They tend to isolate themselves because they feel different, but in doing so, they create distance, push others away, and ultimately end up causing pain.

It is truly wonderful that you've made the decision to change, but have you considered where that transformation actually needs to begin? 🙂

Hello, Jonathan Wright6.

I support you in this decision to start working on yourself. I want you to know that it is never too late.
I suppose you’ve finally found the courage to make your move from that position, and I have to say, I truly respect that.

I suppose you have to accept that working on yourself is an incredibly difficult and lengthy process. Nothing is going to change overnight. Maybe we just need to be prepared for that reality.

It is good that you are reading psychology books. Perhaps it might also be beneficial to see a youth counselor to help guide you through these changes.

Believe me, you aren't alone in this. I guess there are quite a few of us wondering how to truly forgive people who hurt us—or even worse, how to find that forgiveness for ourselves.

People aren't inherently bad. I suppose they won't hurt you if you choose to be vulnerable. Maybe some people will, but I think the truly brave ones are those who dare to take that risk, rather than those who just build walls around themselves.

I believe in you, and I suppose you will eventually find the right path.

Good luck!

@brightridge59

Maybe some of my thoughts might seem a bit silly or even childish to you, but honestly, I’ve never really sat down to dwell on this kind of stuff before. I never gave it much importance until now, when I've finally reached my breaking point with everything I'm going through.

I’ll try to break this down step by step. I want to start with the women. I feel like it’s hard for a girl to truly love someone who thinks they're too ugly, too short, or too thin—someone who doesn't even like themselves because of those things. I know looks aren't everything, but let's be real: when you're meeting someone new in today's world, so much of that initial spark depends on physical attraction and chemistry. Things I feel like I just don't have. It feels like I could never love someone the way she deserves to be loved, because right now, I can't even love myself. Honestly, I don't even know what it feels like to truly love another person—that intensity where they become your whole world. Looking back, I think I only wanted to be with someone just to say I had someone. I got desperate watching everyone else find partners while I stayed alone. I’ve even seen guys I went to middle school or high school with—people you'd never expect to see dating—walking around town with girlfriends, and seeing that just wore me down. I kept asking myself, "Why not me?" I know having a partner isn't everything, and forcing it won't get me anywhere, but because of how I am right now, I feel like I don't deserve it. I'm too focused on my own goals, and I tend to be pretty cold and self-centered. That's really where I'm coming from.

I’ve been thinking a lot about how I treat people. To be honest, I never really stopped to consider if my antisocial tendencies were hurting the people around me, like my friends. I’ve always seen myself as a relentless career climber, and everything I did was centered around that goal. I constantly pushed myself to be the best—from elementary school through high school and all the way through college. No one forced those straight A's on me; I did that to myself just to make sure getting into the right programs and landing a great job would be easier. I wanted to crush the competition. Because of that, I basically lived in a bubble. I didn't go out, I didn't have much of a social life; I was just alone. Now that I actually have a few friends, I still struggle with whether my behavior is off-putting or if being so guarded and cold makes things awkward for others. Even now, I sometimes turn down an invite to grab a drink or hang out because I’m too focused on studying or moving up the ladder at work. Looking back, I actually find myself a little envious of people who have great friend groups—people who just enjoy each other's company, go out and have fun, or head out to a park for a Fourth of July BBQ. I miss that kind of connection. But then my cynical side kicks in. I start thinking about how friendships can feel temporary. People get married, have kids, or move across the country for a new job at a place like Google or Amazon, and eventually, everyone drifts apart. It makes me wonder: what’s the point of investing in people if it’s all going to fade away anyway? Part of me thinks it’s better to just spend all that time on self-improvement and personal growth instead. Maybe that's just my ego talking.

I know I need to start changing how I view myself and how I interact with people. I really want to understand how my actions actually land on others, but I’m honestly stuck on where to even begin. That's why I reached out for some advice. Up until now, I've just been sweeping all my emotional struggles under the rug—pushing them aside and telling myself the classic American excuse: "I'll deal with it later."

That's enough for me today. Catch you all next time.

Things are going to look up, and honestly, you aren't the only one at fault here, nor is it solely on your shoulders.
There’s plenty of other stuff out there—things that really need to be acknowledged as existing, though I won't get sidetracked by all that right now.

Anyway, just try to actually listen to what people are saying to you next time you're having a conversation, and don't forget... whatever you do, never fall into the trap of self-pity.

That's my two cents, anyway. Now, please, stop the nonsense and just try to empathize with people who are dealing with actual disabilities and everything else they go through...

You have one damn job. And that is to get your own act together—so start right now!

End of story.

Jonathan Wright6 said:@brightridge59

Maybe some of my thoughts might seem a bit silly or even childish to you, but honestly, I’ve never really sat down to dwell on this kind of stuff before. I never gave it much importance until now, when I've finally reached my breaking point with everything I'm going through.

I’ll try to break this down step by step. I want to start with the women. I feel like it’s hard for a girl to truly love someone who thinks they're too ugly, too short, or too thin—someone who doesn't even like themselves because of those things. I know looks aren't everything, but let's be real: when you're meeting someone new in today's world, so much of that initial spark depends on physical attraction and chemistry. Things I feel like I just don't have. It feels like I could never love someone the way she deserves to be loved, because right now, I can't even love myself. Honestly, I don't even know what it feels like to truly love another person—that intensity where they become your whole world. Looking back, I think I only wanted to be with someone just to say I had someone. I got desperate watching everyone else find partners while I stayed alone. I’ve even seen guys I went to middle school or high school with—people you'd never expect to see dating—walking around town with girlfriends, and seeing that just wore me down. I kept asking myself, "Why not me?" I know having a partner isn't everything, and forcing it won't get me anywhere, but because of how I am right now, I feel like I don't deserve it. I'm too focused on my own goals, and I tend to be pretty cold and self-centered. That's really where I'm coming from.

I’ve been thinking a lot about how I treat people. To be honest, I never really stopped to consider if my antisocial tendencies were hurting the people around me, like my friends. I’ve always seen myself as a relentless career climber, and everything I did was centered around that goal. I constantly pushed myself to be the best—from elementary school through high school and all the way through college. No one forced those straight A's on me; I did that to myself just to make sure getting into the right programs and landing a great job would be easier. I wanted to crush the competition. Because of that, I basically lived in a bubble. I didn't go out, I didn't have much of a social life; I was just alone. Now that I actually have a few friends, I still struggle with whether my behavior is off-putting or if being so guarded and cold makes things awkward for others. Even now, I sometimes turn down an invite to grab a drink or hang out because I’m too focused on studying or moving up the ladder at work. Looking back, I actually find myself a little envious of people who have great friend groups—people who just enjoy each other's company, go out and have fun, or head out to a park for a Fourth of July BBQ. I miss that kind of connection. But then my cynical side kicks in. I start thinking about how friendships can feel temporary. People get married, have kids, or move across the country for a new job at a place like Google or Amazon, and eventually, everyone drifts apart. It makes me wonder: what’s the point of investing in people if it’s all going to fade away anyway? Part of me thinks it’s better to just spend all that time on self-improvement and personal growth instead. Maybe that's just my ego talking.

I know I need to start changing how I view myself and how I interact with people. I really want to understand how my actions actually land on others, but I’m honestly stuck on where to even begin. That's why I reached out for some advice. Up until now, I've just been sweeping all my emotional struggles under the rug—pushing them aside and telling myself the classic American excuse: "I'll deal with it later."

That's enough for me today. Catch you all next time.

Your current line of thinking doesn't strike me as silly or immature at all; if anything, it's quite the opposite.
You have a clear, honest view of where you stand, an understanding of where you missed the mark, and most importantly, you are ready to change. It is truly never too late to pivot.

Some of the decisions you mentioned might seem a little impulsive, but let's be real—we all make questionable choices from time to time.
Getting into a relationship just because everyone else is doing it is certainly immature, not to mention completely counterproductive.
However, you've realized that wasn't the right path.
The question is, do you feel ready for real love now? Are you prepared to recognize it and fight to hold onto it, even when things get difficult or involve the risk of failure?

I am actually quite glad that I could nudge you toward reflecting on how your behavior impacts those around you.
It is absolutely possible to hurt someone through coldness and distance. Just because you tend to view friendships as something fleeting doesn't mean others see you that way.
It's a fascinating contradiction: you find yourself envying people who have it all—the social circles, the close friends, the nights out, the partners—yet you consciously push them away. It sounds as though you've become a prisoner to your own inhibitions.
Do you feel like this is a conscious choice you're making, or is there perhaps a deeper fear driving it?

Adopting the mindset that "everything is going to fall apart anyway" is a fundamentally flawed way to live. Of course, we all get hit by those pessimistic waves occasionally, but making that your default setting for life is a heavy burden to carry.
Sure, a partner might betray you or leave. A best friend might stab you in the back, sleep with your significant other, steal from you, or simply cause you pain. That is the inherent risk of being human.
But by avoiding the messy, difficult side of human connection, you end up missing out on all the beautiful parts. You miss out on the laughter, the joy, the fun, and all those wonderful things you can receive from other people.
And more importantly, you miss the chance to give those things back. 🙂
Friendships fracture, people argue and reconcile, and eventually, people pass away.
Some connections will last, and some won't. Some people will come back into your life, and sometimes, you'll be the one returning to them. 🙂

Jonathan Wright6 said:@brightridge59

Maybe some of my thoughts might seem a bit silly or even childish to you, but honestly, I’ve never really sat down to dwell on this kind of stuff before. I never gave it much importance until now, when I've finally reached my breaking point with everything I'm going through.

I’ll try to break this down step by step. I want to start with the women. I feel like it’s hard for a girl to truly love someone who thinks they're too ugly, too short, or too thin—someone who doesn't even like themselves because of those things. I know looks aren't everything, but let's be real: when you're meeting someone new in today's world, so much of that initial spark depends on physical attraction and chemistry. Things I feel like I just don't have. It feels like I could never love someone the way she deserves to be loved, because right now, I can't even love myself. Honestly, I don't even know what it feels like to truly love another person—that intensity where they become your whole world. Looking back, I think I only wanted to be with someone just to say I had someone. I got desperate watching everyone else find partners while I stayed alone. I’ve even seen guys I went to middle school or high school with—people you'd never expect to see dating—walking around town with girlfriends, and seeing that just wore me down. I kept asking myself, "Why not me?" I know having a partner isn't everything, and forcing it won't get me anywhere, but because of how I am right now, I feel like I don't deserve it. I'm too focused on my own goals, and I tend to be pretty cold and self-centered. That's really where I'm coming from.

I’ve been thinking a lot about how I treat people. To be honest, I never really stopped to consider if my antisocial tendencies were hurting the people around me, like my friends. I’ve always seen myself as a relentless career climber, and everything I did was centered around that goal. I constantly pushed myself to be the best—from elementary school through high school and all the way through college. No one forced those straight A's on me; I did that to myself just to make sure getting into the right programs and landing a great job would be easier. I wanted to crush the competition. Because of that, I basically lived in a bubble. I didn't go out, I didn't have much of a social life; I was just alone. Now that I actually have a few friends, I still struggle with whether my behavior is off-putting or if being so guarded and cold makes things awkward for others. Even now, I sometimes turn down an invite to grab a drink or hang out because I’m too focused on studying or moving up the ladder at work. Looking back, I actually find myself a little envious of people who have great friend groups—people who just enjoy each other's company, go out and have fun, or head out to a park for a Fourth of July BBQ. I miss that kind of connection. But then my cynical side kicks in. I start thinking about how friendships can feel temporary. People get married, have kids, or move across the country for a new job at a place like Google or Amazon, and eventually, everyone drifts apart. It makes me wonder: what’s the point of investing in people if it’s all going to fade away anyway? Part of me thinks it’s better to just spend all that time on self-improvement and personal growth instead. Maybe that's just my ego talking.

I know I need to start changing how I view myself and how I interact with people. I really want to understand how my actions actually land on others, but I’m honestly stuck on where to even begin. That's why I reached out for some advice. Up until now, I've just been sweeping all my emotional struggles under the rug—pushing them aside and telling myself the classic American excuse: "I'll deal with it later."

That's enough for me today. Catch you all next time.

Start with the subject closest to your heart: yourself. 😁😁
Maybe try shifting your perspective on the people you meet. Instead of viewing them as fleeting shadows who just pass through your life, try seeing them as opportunities to truly enrich your journey. Take a moment to reflect on everything you’ve been working toward all this time and consider what unique value you might actually have to offer others.
🙂

It might be best if you sought out a professional to talk things through. I’m not suggesting that no one else can offer support, but people generally find it easier to open up to an expert. It is often much simpler to dismantle those internal walls we build for ourselves within a clinical setting. That specific kind of professional relationship creates an atmosphere where a person can actually relax, knowing that nobody there is working against them—everyone is simply there to help...

@brightridge59

Do you think you're actually ready for love now? Like, ready to recognize it when it shows up and hold onto it, even if things don't work out perfectly in the end?

I honestly don't know. I don't think I'm there yet. I don't think I could make a relationship work right now because I'm still too focused on myself. For a partnership to actually function, that love has to flow both ways, but right now, I'm just preoccupied with my own goals and personal ambitions. Love isn't my top priority—it's not even high up on my list. My career comes first. I've been burying myself in work and everything else that helps me climb the corporate ladder. My whole life basically revolves around building this career, while everything else just gets swept under the rug to deal with later.
Right now, my priorities are pretty straightforward: first comes work and making money, then my health, followed by my friends, and finally love.
I know that jobs can be unpredictable—one day you're steady, and the next, everything changes. But I truly believe I can manage that uncertainty. My goal is to stay ahead of the curve, keep my skills sharp, and make sure I'm always someone companies want to hire. I can't control what other people do, and honestly, I wouldn't want to, but I can definitely take charge of myself.

I’m not trying to generalize or be cynical about everything falling apart. I only mean that when it comes to things like friendships or romance, life is unpredictable. But my career? That’s something I actually have control over. My drive to work hard and climb the ladder is something no one can take away from me. As long as I keep pushing forward and staying ahead of the curve, I don't have to worry about things collapsing. When I think about how I define myself, it really comes down to my work. It’s the center of my world. I want to be someone who is respected and known for being an expert—someone people value simply because they know I get the job done right.

Do you think you're making this choice consciously, or are you just playing it safe because of fear?

I think I’m actually afraid of something. It’s all those bad scenarios you mentioned that get to me. I’ve always wondered—what’s the point of being with someone if they end up hurting or betraying you? Even if it's a best friend, how are you supposed to live with that? Why would I even consider getting married if my spouse could just cheat on me years later and take everything I've worked so hard to build? I put so much effort and make so many sacrifices just to create something I can be proud of, only for someone to potentially destroy it all in a single moment. It wouldn't just be about the stuff, either; it would break me personally because everything I am is poured into my work. That’s what defines me. I try to avoid all these dark possibilities, but I'm scared they'll happen. Is it just inevitable? Do things like this just have to happen?

I’ve been struggling with my emotions lately because I've never really expressed them. I haven't even spent much time thinking about how I feel; I just tend to push everything down and deal with it later. For me, the priority has always been—and still is—my career and making money. My brain is wired to think in a strictly rational, technical, and scientific way. That's just how I operate. Since science doesn't account for emotions, I don't either. They've always just been an afterthought to me.

I feel like I’m lacking real life experience because, honestly, I’m terrified of the pain and heartache everyone else seems to go through. I try to learn from other people's mistakes just to shield myself from going through the same things, but I have to wonder—is that even possible? Do I really need to hit those same rock bottoms to actually grow or change as a person? One big reason I've avoided getting into serious relationships is this constant fear of how much it might hurt in the end. I find myself questioning why I should even bother opening up if the final result is just potential heartbreak or betrayal. Why would I give my whole heart and soul to someone I love deeply, only to have them shatter me like glass?

I know exactly where I stand. I realize my struggles are tiny compared to people facing real crises—those struggling to make ends meet or dealing with life-threatening illnesses without any way to afford treatment. I also see how much I’ve missed out on because of my social anxiety and the way I overthink everything. I'm fully aware of it. I know I need to change and actually start living my life instead of just watching it pass me by from the sidelines. But breaking out of this routine and this constant passivity feels almost impossible. Fear is what keeps me paralyzed. It's like that line from *The Matrix* when Morpheus says, "You have to let it all go: fear, doubt and disbelief." That's exactly what's holding me back—fear of the unknown, fear of failing, and the pressure of the high expectations I've set for myself.

Eh... reading this feels a little too much like looking in a mirror. Honestly, back in high school, I was all about that grind—just studying, studying, studying. I’d intentionally isolate myself and turn down any chance to actually go out and live my life.
On one hand, I told myself it was fine to be that hyper-focused on my responsibilities, but deep down, I was constantly dreaming about having a solid group of friends and just letting loose. Hehe. 😢
I remember in our senior year, my English teacher asked us what we considered our greatest life achievement so far. Since I had won a few academic competitions and pulled decent grades, everyone expected me to brag about taking first place in... well, who knows.
But I gave a hard "No." I basically admitted right then and there that those "achievements" didn't mean anything to me because I still felt like something was missing.
Then college happened, and everything started shifting. 🙄
I started going out more, sure, but it didn't end well. I ended up neglecting my responsibilities, and at the same time, I developed this nagging feeling that I was being fake. It felt like people in college saw a completely different version of me than the people from high school did.

I think you might be dealing with the same thing I am—maybe someone from your past made you feel like you weren't enough, and it just got burned into your brain. Now, you're projecting that onto everyone and every relationship you have. 🤷
You're afraid to open up because you're worried they'll find something about you they don't like. That's exactly how I feel.
You just really have to sit with yourself and figure out what it is that's actually making you scared to be vulnerable.
Cheers.

Honestly, I was sitting here debating whether I should even reply to this post or not. But man, I saw myself in so much of what you said. You’re definitely not alone in this. I mean, you probably already figured that out by now, but whatever struggle you're dealing with, there's always someone else out there feeling it too. I learned a long time ago that if you ever find yourself in a room with, say, twenty people, and you feel totally lost while everyone else seems to have it all figured out... you're wrong. Nobody actually knows what they're doing. Maybe one or two people are just way too loud or arrogant to admit they're clueless. I’ve been pretty much alone for a long time too. Not literally—I mean, I'm surrounded by people every day, I've got my family, and I have a tiny little circle, maybe three or four people I actually hang out with regularly—but deep down, I’m on my own. Ever since I can remember, I've had to deal with everything by myself. It's only really recently that I started paying attention to my own emotions, let alone actually talking about them with anyone else. Maybe I’m just naturally cold or something. I don't know. For me, meeting new people is just... hard. Like, I genuinely don't know how to do it. Up until now, most of my friendships were basically forced on me. I was stuck around the same thirty people every single day, so you end up close whether you want to or not. But now that I'm at college, I'm surrounded by hundreds of people I know absolutely nothing about, and I have no clue how to actually get to know them. And I mean *really* know them. Not just those superficial coffee dates where everyone just vents about exams and whatever. I know their names and where they live, but that's pretty much it. I honestly admire—actually, no, I'm jealous of—people who make friends effortlessly and always seem to be hanging out with someone. I just don't get how they do it. Maybe that's just how I am. I wish I were different, though. From your post, it sounds like you're pretty self-aware—you know who you are, what you want, what you're working through, all that stuff. I am too. They say that's the hardest part, but it doesn't feel that way to me. I know exactly who I am and exactly what I want to change. In theory, I even know *how* to change it, but when it comes down to actually doing it, I just fail. Sadly, I don't have the answers, but I'm looking for them. It just feels like I'm wandering around in the dark. If only someone would just turn on a light, because I seriously have no idea how to find my way.

Kimberly Murphy46 said:Honestly, who cares what anyone else thinks about you? Seriously, what do you actually gain from worrying about someone else's opinion? At the end of the day, the only thing that truly matters is how you feel about yourself... not what the neighbors or strangers have to say.

You're speaking the truth here, even if you aren't exactly opening my eyes to some deep cosmic secret. (I'm with you on this, Kimberly)

Look, if you walk around thinking you're a total wreck, people are gonna treat you like one. But if you carry yourself like you're actually sane and confident, that's how they're gonna perceive you. It's basic stuff.

That's basically the whole "philosophy" right there; anyone trying to wrap this up in fancy, useless poetic nonsense is just overthinking it.
Real talk—I have days where I feel like absolute garbage and I can practically feel people avoiding me, then other days where I'm feeling myself and I'm out hanging with everyone.

Good luck

Peter Phillips32 said:You're speaking the truth here, even if you aren't exactly opening my eyes to some deep cosmic secret. (I'm with you on this, Kimberly)

Look, if you walk around thinking you're a total wreck, people are gonna treat you like one. But if you carry yourself like you're actually sane and confident, that's how they're gonna perceive you. It's basic stuff.

That's basically the whole "philosophy" right there; anyone trying to wrap this up in fancy, useless poetic nonsense is just overthinking it.
Real talk—I have days where I feel like absolute garbage and I can practically feel people avoiding me, then other days where I'm feeling myself and I'm out hanging with everyone.

Good luck

I don't think—and I really don't believe—that this constitutes "total wisdom." It feels more like someone is simply feeling restless or unfulfilled with their current situation and has decided they need a little nudge to change things up. Honestly, these recent posts have drifted quite far from the actual topic at hand.

I would love to share more thoughts with you all, but I am absolutely wiped out tonight. Perhaps I'll pick this back up tomorrow. 😉

Look, man, quit whining on the internet. That’s just what losers do. You have to change yourself; nobody else is going to step in and do the heavy lifting for you. And honestly, forget about the shrinks... they just talk in circles anyway. If you’re looking for some kind of comfort, go find it in a bottle of bourbon. You can't fake being okay, either. Don't be a pushover in life. Why on earth would you hate yourself? Do you seriously think everyone else out there is better than you? Because if that’s your mindset, you’re just setting yourself up to be miserable. You need to adopt a different perspective, something like: "I'm doing great, I'm on top of my game, and nobody can touch me because I've got this." That’s how people with actual self-confidence operate. They don't give a damn if someone thinks they're an idiot. It doesn't mean anything to them. There are plenty of people out there who probably think I'm a total moron. But you know what? I don't care about their opinions, because what do I gain from knowing they think I'm a jerk? Nothing. And I know I'm not a moron. I wouldn't even consider myself one because I actually respect and love who I am. If you love yourself, other people will eventually follow suit. But if you hate yourself, most people are just going to pity you. And that's really it...

Kimberly Murphy46 said:Look, man, quit whining on the internet. That’s just what losers do. You have to change yourself; nobody else is going to step in and do the heavy lifting for you. And honestly, forget about the shrinks... they just talk in circles anyway. If you’re looking for some kind of comfort, go find it in a bottle of bourbon. You can't fake being okay, either. Don't be a pushover in life. Why on earth would you hate yourself? Do you seriously think everyone else out there is better than you? Because if that’s your mindset, you’re just setting yourself up to be miserable. You need to adopt a different perspective, something like: "I'm doing great, I'm on top of my game, and nobody can touch me because I've got this." That’s how people with actual self-confidence operate. They don't give a damn if someone thinks they're an idiot. It doesn't mean anything to them. There are plenty of people out there who probably think I'm a total moron. But you know what? I don't care about their opinions, because what do I gain from knowing they think I'm a jerk? Nothing. And I know I'm not a moron. I wouldn't even consider myself one because I actually respect and love who I am. If you love yourself, other people will eventually follow suit. But if you hate yourself, most people are just going to pity you. And that's really it...

I have to disagree. 🙂
That kind of attitude actually comes from people struggling with deep-seated insecurities. In my experience, those who possess genuine self-confidence don't feel this constant, nagging need to prove they are superior to others. They simply know that they are capable and, honestly, that’s more than enough for them.

unknown, man. It’s like reading my own mail. Look: you aren't alone. You aren't the only one. There are more of us.

Sorry if this takes a minute.

I'm not exactly solo; I have a family that's everything to me, and some solid friends left over after most people drifted away... but new people show up eventually. Still, that usually isn't enough for me. I'd like to meet more people, but it doesn't come easy. I always need a push. Honestly, I don't try too hard anymore. I stopped trying to fake it. I just am who I am. There's no point in performing; forced acting never pays off in the long run. So why bother?

Here’s my advice (full disclosure: I'm a total amateur, and I often wish I could talk to an actual pro):

1. Don't sell yourself short. You're fine. We all are. Everyone is unique.

2. Don't overrate others. Behind those loud, happy social circles, there's usually a bunch of lonely people hiding from that feeling. You hide behind walls; they camouflage themselves in crowds. Most of it is superficial, even if it looks like they're having a better time than you.

3. Wanting change is fine, but look: if you're a good person as you are, imagine what happens if you fail at changing. Imagine if you don't actually *need* to change. You are who you are, not who you wish you were. Accept yourself and you'll start enjoying life. Maybe that's the issue? Do you not love yourself because you think you aren't good enough? You are. Once you accept yourself, you'll naturally tweak the small things—we all do that throughout our lives anyway.

(What I mean is—I deal with the same problems and thoughts now that I did 10 or 20 years ago. Did I do anything wrong? Could I have changed without losing myself? Is it even worth getting worked up over?)

I'll keep reading. Are you not exactly a kid anymore? A career climber? People often run from self-dissatisfaction through work. Escaping into a career is still better than escaping into drugs or booze, so people use it to cope.

Friendships matter even if they don't last forever. They matter for the time they exist. They enrich us. They give us purpose. What's the downside when a friend calls you to hang out? Just vent to a buddy; you'll feel better.

Women and looks. If you're as ugly as you say, you're probably already unattractive to most women. Not all, just most. To the right one, you'll be plenty charming with that look of yours. You just have to carry it with dignity instead of being ashamed. There's only one Brad Pitt; what are the rest of us supposed to do, stay single forever?

Work. You and your job. It reminds me of that movie with Mel Gibson where he gets shot in a store and everything goes sideways. The job goes, the house goes under the mortgage... No job in the world is truly stable.

Wait, you're consciously putting work and money first? Then why complain? Everything's going great for you, right? You're kidding yourself.

I used to want to be the best at my job, too. I didn't turn out that way. I spent too much time and energy on girls, friends, and grooming. Now I look at the "best" (the people I wanted to be) and I don't envy them; I'm actually glad I'm not them. Very few of them have anything else besides their job. And I mean real substance. Sure, many have families and go out a few times a week, but it feels like they aren't fully present.

You're afraid a woman (who you haven't even met yet) will hurt you, cheat on you, or leave you.
Look, if I were you, I'd work on that fear. It's stupid. If you could survive a major car accident that left you unable to work, would you stop investing in your career? You remind me of those girls who say, "A breakup hurt me so bad I decided I'm never getting married." Give me a break.