No title, just pure chaos and disappointment

wanderinghawk17 said:Taylor Swift, you absolute legend!!! 👍😂

You're basically Elon Musk!

Back to the point: honestly, go find a hobby that actually feeds your soul. Something where you can be on your own, get a little sweat going, and feel that rush of adrenaline.

I'm a girl 😢

Lawrence King572 said:I'm a girl 😢

I know. Well, I assumed. I actually called him "chief" as a reaction to your post earlier. Just forget about it... just typical guy talk... 😁

steelranger31 said:Just dropping a confession here for whoever feels like reading...
My whole life has been a wreck. My parents are honest, hardworking people who had it rough when they were younger... they had to deal with massive pressure from everyone around them back then. I guess that just pulled them closer together, because even after more than 20 years of marriage, they’re still super tight—like a little old couple you see out in public. My dad is an artist at heart, a real unique guy with major talent, while my mom is just blindly honest and incredibly positive. They probably saw me as their one bright spot during those tough times, both financially and everything else. But the truth is, I was way too much of a "good kid." I was so attached to my mom that I never actually learned how to stand up for myself, and my adult life turned into nothing but pure suffering, loneliness, chaos, and hate. As a kid, I used to write these poems for my parents' birthdays, filled with a million hearts and all the love in the world. I was always a weird kid, though—kind of off, with a warped view of things. I couldn't handle reality, and it started showing even in elementary school. I was just different, but in a really awkward, ugly way. I didn't fit in with the other kids... I wasn't a fighter; I just lived in my own little fantasy world. But that fantasy quickly turned into a horror movie. I remember being around 11 and feeling completely lost... a few of my childhood friends had already moved away from town.
I used to just wander around alone, counting my steps just to kill time... I was totally solo. And that’s when my intense love and devotion to my mother twisted into the worst, most toxic behavior. I have to say, my mom was pretty obsessive and sometimes hysterical, extremely worried about my health—especially my physical well-being. In elementary school, I dealt with every kind of bullying, verbal and physical... but what I hate most is that I was such a wimp that I just took it all quietly. The complexes started piling up, and I began acting a certain way to mask it, developing a totally broken personality. I don't even know why I'm writing this; I don't know what else to do. I'm not expecting anything to help me anymore. It just kept getting worse through high school, and I became more alienated, more unstable, and more depressed. When I was 15, I felt this crushing mental pain for the first time. I remember thinking if it didn't go away soon, I'd end it all. But it didn't go away, and I didn't do it... I didn't kill myself because I didn't think I was even capable or worthy of doing that. I stopped talking to my parents entirely. The stuff I went through—the injustice and the sheer senselessness of every moment—is indescribable; I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I completely retreated into myself, playing a part in public while feeling like a total idiot inside. I tanked in school; I went from being an honors student to a complete loser, an outcast that nobody wanted around. The guilt I feel for the pain and injustice I caused my parents because of my sick, sensitive, complexed-up, broken mind is horrific—it's one of the biggest reasons I wish I wasn't here. I lasted a year in college, but I failed there too and just gave up on everything, even while they were dropping huge amounts of money on me. By then, I was so far gone that I'd lost all my moral principles, and honestly, maybe I never even had any dignity to begin with. I know that even as a little kid, around 6 or 7, I felt less valuable than everyone else. Being part of a group was an impossible concept for me. Being social felt foreign, like something I just couldn't grasp. You could say I'm naturally antisocial, even though I've picked up some patterns over the years to function among people. But even today, I can't stop every little thing from hitting me hard. Anything can throw me off balance. Even comments from little kids or idiots get to me. Then I just suppress it in public because otherwise, I'd be cursing people out every single day... but once I'm home, I snap, just like a million times before. My mom tries to provoke me until I hit my breaking point, and then she starts threatening me with the police and whatever else. For years, I've intentionally made a fool of myself in social situations, trying to humiliate myself and everything I represent because I felt like I didn't deserve anything better. Because of how I act, I *don't* deserve it, and it's a vicious cycle. This injustice in the world is freaking killing me. People only see the consequences and then judge me with such attitude, acting like they couldn't have been hit by a different fate. This long-term loneliness and depression have caused my brain to lose all control. I've become a slave to my own intrusive thoughts, my complexes, and the fear that everyone is just waiting to humiliate me and succeed. I've grown to hate every person I've ever met because they hurt me, regardless of whether it's my fault or just shitty nature. Having a past like this is SO demotivating. I can't sleep at night; I stay up until dawn because I don't want to be alone with my thoughts. And even when I man up and try to fight it, I crumble like a house of cards. I'm fully aware of how beautiful life could be, in the small things and the simple daily routine.
I’m way too hyper-aware of every little thing. Every speck of dust gets under my skin, I’m constantly anxious, and I can't stop overthinking how every tiny move basically dictates my entire future. I’m trying so hard to stay focused on just being better—for myself and the people around me—but honestly? I have no clue how anyone else acts "normal." What does that even mean? Because looking at myself, I feel like we’re all just living in total chaos. I don't think anyone is actually stupid or incompetent; I think fear is just that loud. That voice telling you "you can't" is huge. But you *can*. I just want to be real, because the second I try to fake it, I totally fall apart and feel pathetic. I seriously cannot handle any kind of provocation, humiliation, or someone just picking on me. Just straight-up messing with me.
I don't know what to do or how to fix this. I don't even know if there's a diagnosis out there for me. Does anyone in the world actually have the answers? If they do, it feels like it would take forever unless they have some magic wand to just wave and make everything perfect again. Maybe someone will look at me and think, "Well, at least I don't have it as bad as them," and feel better about themselves. If not, whatever. Every single time I deal with people, it's just this sick tension and the fear that they're gonna try to tear me down—which they usually do once they smell weakness. It's been like this my whole life and I'm so damn done with it. I don't know if there's any way to protect myself from people other than just running away from everything I do. Most people have these automatic defense mechanisms built-in—they say things just to avoid being vulnerable or to strike first—but I'm stuck. I don't know what to do.

You clearly dislike yourself so much that it would be simpler to just say you hate yourself.
And nothing good ever grows from hatred.

It likely started with certain things about yourself that you couldn't stand, which triggered a downward spiral of negativity. At the end of the day, we manufacture our own emotions; if we decide we aren't worthy of love, then that's the reality we live in. It’s harder for others to navigate someone else's internal state, so they struggle to connect with you, too. Consequently, you began aggressively using your behavior to ensure that other people would stop loving you.
And while that worked relatively easily with most people—since frankly, who can tolerate or love someone acting that way?—it didn't work with your mother. Mothers tend to love unconditionally. And ironically, that became more fuel for your curse; her intense love provided the very friction that kept this cycle spinning.

Then again, if you hate yourself, how can you expect anyone else to love you? Even when someone tries, you go out of your way to act in ways that force them to not only stop loving you, but to start avoiding you entirely.

Whether you want to admit it or not, there is a profound need for love and acceptance inside you. And it isn't just coming from your mother.

How long you stay trapped in this loop is ultimately up to you.
You could seek professional help, but whether you choose to accept that help or push it away remains your decision.
Similarly, you could break the cycle by simply becoming conscious of this self-loathing and attempting, even just a little, to practice some self-acceptance.
People only see outward actions, not the underlying causes, but you are the one blocking them from seeing your soul through your own behavior.

The bottom line is this: since you are the only one who truly knows the state of your soul and the reasons behind it, you are the only one who can change your actions. The moment you shift even one small thing, it will trigger a domino effect of other changes.

Regarding actual change, perhaps the easiest way to start is on a tangible level. Someone already gave you a suggestion: start running. If it feels impossible at first, embrace the challenge precisely because it is difficult.

And do you know why it's so hard to follow through on an intention or a desire?
Because of that damn fear that we won't succeed in what we set out to do.
My upbringing taught me this:
"Give everything you have to achieve something... and don't obsess over the result. In that moment, the outcome doesn't matter. Because if you succeed, the satisfaction comes naturally; and if you fail, you'll still be content knowing you did everything within your power."

Everything changes. It’s the one thing you can actually count on. 🙂

Austin Hernandez11 said:You clearly dislike yourself so much that it would be simpler to just say you hate yourself.
And nothing good ever grows from hatred.

It likely started with certain things about yourself that you couldn't stand, which triggered a downward spiral of negativity. At the end of the day, we manufacture our own emotions; if we decide we aren't worthy of love, then that's the reality we live in. It’s harder for others to navigate someone else's internal state, so they struggle to connect with you, too. Consequently, you began aggressively using your behavior to ensure that other people would stop loving you.
And while that worked relatively easily with most people—since frankly, who can tolerate or love someone acting that way?—it didn't work with your mother. Mothers tend to love unconditionally. And ironically, that became more fuel for your curse; her intense love provided the very friction that kept this cycle spinning.

Then again, if you hate yourself, how can you expect anyone else to love you? Even when someone tries, you go out of your way to act in ways that force them to not only stop loving you, but to start avoiding you entirely.

Whether you want to admit it or not, there is a profound need for love and acceptance inside you. And it isn't just coming from your mother.

How long you stay trapped in this loop is ultimately up to you.
You could seek professional help, but whether you choose to accept that help or push it away remains your decision.
Similarly, you could break the cycle by simply becoming conscious of this self-loathing and attempting, even just a little, to practice some self-acceptance.
People only see outward actions, not the underlying causes, but you are the one blocking them from seeing your soul through your own behavior.

The bottom line is this: since you are the only one who truly knows the state of your soul and the reasons behind it, you are the only one who can change your actions. The moment you shift even one small thing, it will trigger a domino effect of other changes.

Regarding actual change, perhaps the easiest way to start is on a tangible level. Someone already gave you a suggestion: start running. If it feels impossible at first, embrace the challenge precisely because it is difficult.

And do you know why it's so hard to follow through on an intention or a desire?
Because of that damn fear that we won't succeed in what we set out to do.
My upbringing taught me this:
"Give everything you have to achieve something... and don't obsess over the result. In that moment, the outcome doesn't matter. Because if you succeed, the satisfaction comes naturally; and if you fail, you'll still be content knowing you did everything within your power."

Everything changes. It’s the one thing you can actually count on. 🙂

You're right... what can I even say? Thanks for the advice, really, but while I'm stuck in this mess, there isn't a god in the world who can kill this insane HATRED I feel for everything and everyone. It's not even like I'm looking for revenge or anything... what's the point? I just can't bring myself to be positive because that's just who I am. I can't handle it. I'm arrogant (without realizing it), cocky, hypersensitive, crazy, and scattered. I mean, I try to get moving sometimes, it's not like I'm out there hitting the pavement for a run... I've just spent my whole life expecting too much from everything and everyone, so naturally, I always end up disappointed. I've got this damn attitude where nothing and no one is ever good enough. Even the bands I used to love, now I mostly just hate or despise them. Or I'm just indifferent in a stupid, mindless way. Nothing fills me up except maybe that brief moment when I write a song, or when I'm screaming on a one-string guitar until I squeeze out every last drop of inspiration before the chronic madness and darkness take over again... Honestly, I kind of want to stay this way because I can't be any different. And even if I could, it wouldn't feel right. But I'm a bad combo, and I don't have the mental or physical strength to actually live out that talent or whatever, so I'm just a fraud. I don't want to be, but here I am, stuck at home because everywhere I go, failure is waiting for me. And even if I did succeed, I'm such a negative person that I'd just screw it all up. What other people do subconsciously and automatically, I consciously analyze and tear apart with these bullshit thoughts.
Honestly, I just want to stay isolated right now because people are driving me absolutely insane. Loneliness is such a toxic trap, though. Whatever, I’ve totally lost my grip... I feel like I don't even have a sense of self anymore; I'm just recycling old memories and past experiences over and over. I realized I've been painting this twisted, messed up picture of everyone that doesn't match how anyone else sees them. I'm just a bad person with zero desire to change... just tons of hate and pure chaos weighing down my soul. I'm so done with everything. People don't even matter at this point—it's just my own head tripping out on all these stupid, pathetic relationships I've had where I basically just let myself get walked on for way too long. It's killing me, and nothing can fix it. No pills, no therapist is gonna save me... I did this to myself. But then again, nobody is to blame. Dammit.

Emily Gonzalez51 said:Why on earth are you taking these people so seriously? Most of them don't even have a clue why they exist or what they're doing here, so they lash out just because they're lost. Honestly, if you tried to show some empathy toward them—and yourself—you might find you aren't quite so thin-skinned. Why give them so much power over you?
Regardless, go see a therapist and talk it out. It’s always easier when you're speaking to someone who actually understands the weight of your issues.
My struggle is slightly different; I tend to take everyone far too seriously, and frankly, sometimes I don't even understand myself. I end up completely blindsided whenever I say something and realize someone took offense.

This is my favorite part. 🤣 🤣

ela 👍🙏 😁You put that perfectly—it is often exactly like that.

honestly, facts

You’re sharp, quick-witted, and you actually have something interesting to say. But look, if you haven't moved out of your parents' house yet, just do it already. Stop playing the victim and acting like life is just happening to you—it's obvious you've gotten comfortable being dependent. Addiction is a vicious cycle; every cell in your body clings to what feels good, much like how people get hooked on substances. You've got to take ownership of your own life. You don't owe anyone an explanation for your choices, but for heaven's sake, stop complaining to everyone else about it. Leave the past where it belongs. We all have lessons we had to learn the hard way, whether it was easy or brutal. It's time to finally start building your own life and your own reality. Get some inner peace, and then maybe you won't be at odds with everyone else. Everything you need isn't going to be handed to you from the outside; it's already inside you, you just haven't dug it up yet. Cut out the grandiosity, the heavy swearing, the dramatic phrases, and the endless whining. Just pick one thing in your life to be stubborn about—start there. This is coming from an old lady who's seen it all. Sending you lots of love.👍

Lawrence King572 said:🙂
I found myself nodding along to everything you wrote regarding maternal attachment. My parents split when I was only seven months old, and my mother truly poured every ounce of love she had into me; she did absolutely everything for me. Now, at twenty-one, I still find myself needing her to accompany me to medical appointments just to handle the paperwork. Whether it's navigating doctor's visits or managing things like getting a passport or a driver's license, she handles all the preparation beforehand. I adore her, but I can’t deny there is a certain resentment there. She unintentionally turned me into a total dependent. Is she solely to blame, though? Perhaps not. I honestly don't know. Can one even learn to be self-sufficient after spending an entire lifetime being managed by their mother?

Mothers can be absolute disasters sometimes. They turn their kids into dependents without even realizing they're doing it. I'm talking from experience here, unfortunately. Kids need to be let out into the world—to breathe, to grow, to find themselves, to stumble, and to get back up again. Sometimes mothers do this out of pure selfishness, and other times it comes from this irrational kind of love. Though, maybe it isn't even love; maybe it's just heavy, suffocating attachment. Real love should mean freedom. But hey, people act based on whatever level of awareness they have at the moment, so they just do what they think is best given where they're at.🙂

Spot on, Sean Kelly65. Regarding moving away—I tried relocating to a different city for nearly a year last year, and let's just say I didn't exactly kill it. I was totally irresponsible, sucked at every single job I had, and pretty much ended up hating everyone I met... blah blah

Write a catchy tune on some cheap guitar and make it big...

Sean Kelly65 said:Mothers can be absolute disasters sometimes. They turn their kids into dependents without even realizing they're doing it. I'm talking from experience here, unfortunately. Kids need to be let out into the world—to breathe, to grow, to find themselves, to stumble, and to get back up again. Sometimes mothers do this out of pure selfishness, and other times it comes from this irrational kind of love. Though, maybe it isn't even love; maybe it's just heavy, suffocating attachment. Real love should mean freedom. But hey, people act based on whatever level of awareness they have at the moment, so they just do what they think is best given where they're at.🙂

That is such a heavy thing to admit... but man, it's true. What else can you do?

Honestly, anyone who struggles in life could just copy and paste your story onto an online forum and call it a day. We’re all just drifting along, aren't we? You seem to think you're somehow unique, as if nobody else has faced hardship. Do you really believe things were easier for everyone else than they were for you? Not a chance. Plenty of people have dealt with situations ten times worse than yours, yet they didn't get to spend their lives being coddled by their parents like you admitted you did. It is time to pull yourself together. Find a meaningful goal in life and move toward it with steady steps; you cannot change the past, but the future is entirely within your control. Move forward bravely and be prepared for the obstacles that will inevitably arise. You are capable of this, and for now, your future remains wide open.

Ronald Jones7 said:Honestly, anyone who struggles in life could just copy and paste your story onto an online forum and call it a day. We’re all just drifting along, aren't we? You seem to think you're somehow unique, as if nobody else has faced hardship. Do you really believe things were easier for everyone else than they were for you? Not a chance. Plenty of people have dealt with situations ten times worse than yours, yet they didn't get to spend their lives being coddled by their parents like you admitted you did. It is time to pull yourself together. Find a meaningful goal in life and move toward it with steady steps; you cannot change the past, but the future is entirely within your control. Move forward bravely and be prepared for the obstacles that will inevitably arise. You are capable of this, and for now, your future remains wide open.

👍