Jealousy

Gregory Reyes said:I wouldn't say I'm in love. 🙂 At least, I don't think I am.

I just soak up her... positive energy. She always looks so happy. So loved.

Which is honestly terrible, because I find myself feeling weirdly content at the thought of their marriage hitting a rough patch. Like, maybe they’re actually struggling behind closed doors.
And look, I'm not a bad person. But these thoughts... they really eat at me.

Being a mess isn't the end of the world if you're actually doing something about it.😁

What's your actual situation?
Are you fixing your own messes?
Working on the stuff that's eating you alive?

I’m trying, believe me. It’s just that my toolkit is running pretty empty,
Most days I just tell myself, "Stop obsessing over her, you idiot, get a life!"
Then I try to go do something else. But honestly? It doesn't always work...
Things are better now, I guess. Mostly because I’m killing it at work compared to her. One of the best on the team. But just the thought that she might actually start catching up to me is driving me insane. So, I’m working. A lot. Overtime, constantly. And I can't keep this up forever. I keep telling myself how stupid it is to be this worked up—that people out there have real problems while I’m here burning myself out—but... I don't know. I just can't help it.

Gregory Reyes said:I’m trying, believe me. It’s just that my toolkit is running pretty empty,
Most days I just tell myself, "Stop obsessing over her, you idiot, get a life!"
Then I try to go do something else. But honestly? It doesn't always work...
Things are better now, I guess. Mostly because I’m killing it at work compared to her. One of the best on the team. But just the thought that she might actually start catching up to me is driving me insane. So, I’m working. A lot. Overtime, constantly. And I can't keep this up forever. I keep telling myself how stupid it is to be this worked up—that people out there have real problems while I’m here burning myself out—but... I don't know. I just can't help it.

I didn't ask about her.
I'm asking about you. 😉
What are *your* problems?

My problems?
You mean people who don't even have anything to do with her?
Or no...
😕

Yeah, specifically the ones who don't have anything to do with it 🙂

I recall a time when I found myself gripped by a sense of envy toward a close friend. No matter how hard I tried to shake it, I couldn't help but feel that bitterness creeping in, even though I knew deep down how misplaced it was.
It wasn't until another friend sat me down and admitted he felt a certain jealousy toward my own life that I finally found some clarity.
He was envious of me, despite being fully aware that I had navigated far darker waters and faced much harsher struggles than he ever had. At first, I was just frustrated, trying to reason with him and explain why such resentment was so utterly pointless.
But in the process of explaining it to him, I caught a glimpse of my own reflection—I realized I had been harboring that very same envy toward him. Once that realization hit, everything changed... since then, seeing him succeed brings me nothing but genuine happiness.

redotter1, I’m actually jealous. 🙂
I bet that feels incredible.

As for my own issues....
Everything is fine, except for the envy, the possessiveness, and the total lack of a love life.
Honestly, I think I’d be the happiest person on the planet if she just moved away and I never heard a single word about her again.

Gregory Reyes said:redotter1, I’m actually jealous. 🙂
I bet that feels incredible.

As for my own issues....
Everything is fine, except for the envy, the possessiveness, and the total lack of a love life.
Honestly, I think I’d be the happiest person on the planet if she just moved away and I never heard a single word about her again.

Look, I don't think everything is "fine" 🙂

You can't live off other people's drama.
Mind your own business. 🙂 Focus on finding that "positive energy" you keep talking about.
If you actually did that, you wouldn't have the headspace or the time to obsess over her life anyway.

I know.
I try my best to just not think about it.
Everything feels fine until I actually see her.
Then I turn into someone else entirely. I try to poke at her with some comments and then suddenly... I'm a total bitch.

I know I can't live off other people's misery. But somehow, I do. I feed on her struggles, and honestly? Every time I see her failing at something, my day gets a little brighter.
I'm terrible, goddammit. Now that I've actually typed it out, I'm starting to realize it...

Honestly, you're being 😉
That’s all well and good.

But unfortunately, it just isn't enough 😁
Go rješavati your own mess. Work on yourself 😉 In every sense of the word.

I’m putting in even more effort.
I’m also banking on time here, since I know things were way worse before.
So, my theory is that the longer we wait, the better it gets...
Or I’ll just quit so I don't have to deal with her anymore.😁

Gregory Reyes, look, that jealousy is just a byproduct of being unhappy with yourself and dealing with the fallout of losing someone close to you. It’s pure frustration, plain and simple. Honestly, it’s good that you’re recognizing how toxic this envy is—mostly because it’s eating you alive from the inside. Once you realize how completely pointless all of this is, you'll finally be able to let it go.
First things first, you have to stop obsessing over what she’s wearing and trying to mimic her style; you aren't going to get anywhere that way, and frankly, it’s getting pretty unhealthy. You need to find some peace with who you actually are. If you want to change things up, do it because it fits *you* and what you can actually do, but none of that matters if you don't have any self-respect to begin with.
Just learn to value yourself and everything will fall into place.
She only seems "better" because that's how you've framed her in your own head—because she has something you're craving. I get it, it's human nature, but seriously, try to get a grip before this turns into a full-blown breakdown.

Yeah, I’m still struggling, even if things are way better than they were a few years ago. Back then, I absolutely hated myself. I couldn't look in a mirror without wishing I could just swap places with her—my body image was totally warped. Things are better now; I actually like myself more, and while that jealousy toward her has faded, it hasn't completely vanished...
But honestly, I feel pathetic. How is it that I, someone who has conquered so much through sheer willpower, can't get past this? Every time I notice something new about her, I just stare at the ceiling and hum some random song in my head... because if I don't, I feel like I'm going to lose it and want to strangle her. I try so hard not to look at her. It just eats me alive.
But you're right, Gregory Reyes, slow and steady. You can't fix everything overnight. This has been going on too long for it to just disappear in a heartbeat.

It’s actually pretty gutsy of you to admit that you’re feeling envious. Honestly, maybe that’s too harsh a word, because I don't think you actually feel that way toward everyone else.

The reason you see your former friend as physically "perfect" is just because modern American society hammers that specific image down our throats every single day. If we were living a few centuries ago, you’d be considered a total knockout, while those skinny types would have just been seen as looking sickly.

I honestly think you’re still just pissed off that she didn't make more room for you in her new life. The intensity of these negative feelings you're dealing with probably stems from the fact that back when you guys were close, you were essentially living out your own dreams through her—so her success felt like yours. Now that you aren't part of her world anymore, seeing her succeed hits differently because you're suddenly on the outside looking in.

It is high time you started actually living your own life instead of living this "life without your perfect friend."

Any physical flaws you think you have can be tackled if you’ve got the willpower—think gym sessions or diet—or you can just play it up with better clothes and makeup.

A ton of iconic people have actually turned their perceived flaws into a signature "personal style" that millions of people ended up copying later.

But hey, you already knew all that, didn't you?

When a relationship falls apart, you really need to sit down and figure out why it tanked and how much of that was on you. Relationships rarely fail just because of "looks"; it’s almost always about someone's temperament, their actual character, or just having totally wrong expectations.

If I were you, I'd just break your whole problem down into smaller pieces and tackle each one individually. That's usually the easiest way to find a way out.

Paul Perez said:It’s actually pretty gutsy of you to admit that you’re feeling envious. Honestly, maybe that’s too harsh a word, because I don't think you actually feel that way toward everyone else.

The reason you see your former friend as physically "perfect" is just because modern American society hammers that specific image down our throats every single day. If we were living a few centuries ago, you’d be considered a total knockout, while those skinny types would have just been seen as looking sickly.

I honestly think you’re still just pissed off that she didn't make more room for you in her new life. The intensity of these negative feelings you're dealing with probably stems from the fact that back when you guys were close, you were essentially living out your own dreams through her—so her success felt like yours. Now that you aren't part of her world anymore, seeing her succeed hits differently because you're suddenly on the outside looking in.

It is high time you started actually living your own life instead of living this "life without your perfect friend."

Any physical flaws you think you have can be tackled if you’ve got the willpower—think gym sessions or diet—or you can just play it up with better clothes and makeup.

A ton of iconic people have actually turned their perceived flaws into a signature "personal style" that millions of people ended up copying later.

But hey, you already knew all that, didn't you?

When a relationship falls apart, you really need to sit down and figure out why it tanked and how much of that was on you. Relationships rarely fail just because of "looks"; it’s almost always about someone's temperament, their actual character, or just having totally wrong expectations.

If I were you, I'd just break your whole problem down into smaller pieces and tackle each one individually. That's usually the easiest way to find a way out.

Yeah, I am. I used to be furious. Now? I'm just bitter.

Thanks for all the advice, everyone.😘 Seriously.

Gregory Reyes said:Yeah, I’m still struggling, even if things are way better than they were a few years ago. Back then, I absolutely hated myself. I couldn't look in a mirror without wishing I could just swap places with her—my body image was totally warped. Things are better now; I actually like myself more, and while that jealousy toward her has faded, it hasn't completely vanished...
But honestly, I feel pathetic. How is it that I, someone who has conquered so much through sheer willpower, can't get past this? Every time I notice something new about her, I just stare at the ceiling and hum some random song in my head... because if I don't, I feel like I'm going to lose it and want to strangle her. I try so hard not to look at her. It just eats me alive.
But you're right, Gregory Reyes, slow and steady. You can't fix everything overnight. This has been going on too long for it to just disappear in a heartbeat.

It occurred to me that you're heading in the wrong direction. Instead of suppressing that envy, just own it. Tell yourself, "Okay, if she wears something new today, I'm going to lean into being as jealous as possible." Fight fire with fire.

Heh. I'm actually a little too scared to even try that one.

So, I was out on a date with my boyfriend when my ex suddenly showed up. Honestly, he’s starting to creep me out because it feels like he follows me everywhere. He spent the entire night staring at me, constantly turning his head my way, but the second I tried to give him a friendly smile, he’d make this hideous, moody face and pretend I didn't even exist. Then, the very next day, he has the nerve to text me saying I’m "annoying" him and that I should stay away from him. He actually told me my boyfriend is terrible and accused me of being some obsessed girl who won't leave him alone. AS IF! I spent the whole night barely even noticing where he was, who he was with, or what he was doing. It's not like I've been stalking him since yesterday!

Do you guys think this is just pure jealousy?

It’s pretty clear he’s struggling with the fact that you’ve finally moved on.
It might even just be a coincidence that you keep running into one another in the same spots, making him feel like he's being watched, even if that’s not your intention at all.
It clearly hurts him to see you, yet he can’t quite bring himself to look away... though, honestly, it feels more like a heavy sense of guilt he’s trying to suppress, a feeling he can't shake whenever you're in his line of sight.
You haven't shared too many specifics.
I'm not entirely sure how things ended between you two.

I wouldn't necessarily label it as jealousy... perhaps it's more of an insecurity, a sense of inadequacy because you managed to get your life together before he did, and now he perceives your success as some sort of intentional provocation.
The only real solution I can see is to give him plenty of space and truly keep your distance.

redotter1 said:It’s pretty clear he’s struggling with the fact that you’ve finally moved on.
It might even just be a coincidence that you keep running into one another in the same spots, making him feel like he's being watched, even if that’s not your intention at all.
It clearly hurts him to see you, yet he can’t quite bring himself to look away... though, honestly, it feels more like a heavy sense of guilt he’s trying to suppress, a feeling he can't shake whenever you're in his line of sight.
You haven't shared too many specifics.
I'm not entirely sure how things ended between you two.

I wouldn't necessarily label it as jealousy... perhaps it's more of an insecurity, a sense of inadequacy because you managed to get your life together before he did, and now he perceives your success as some sort of intentional provocation.
The only real solution I can see is to give him plenty of space and truly keep your distance.

Because he cheated on me... back when we were together, he never went out, but I did. Now he's accusing me of following him around.😁 I don't get why he'd feel guilty; that breakup was ages ago. I forgave him, and we could have stayed on good terms if it weren't for stuff like this. Why can't he just mind his own business? It's hard not to get angry when he starts talking like this.