Did I overdo it?

So, like, two months ago I totally dumped my boyfriend of a year—I think I actually posted about him on here before—and honestly, I just realized I wasn't feeling it anymore, especially after grabbing coffee with this guy I knew and feeling those crazy butterflies all over again! It was such a wake-up call because I realized I’m still totally alive inside and crave that insane rush and sexual tension you only get when you're actually falling for someone, which was totally missing from my last relationship.

Me and this guy, let's call him X, started hitting it off with endless texting and constant coffee dates, and I was pretty sure he was feeling the vibe too, but then out of nowhere, he hits me with this super blunt text saying he saw our whole thing as just being buddies and didn't want any awkwardness about who wants what. I played it cool and told him it was fine, and we didn't even talk for a week, which honestly wasn't even that big of a deal to me at first.

But then after a week, he reaches out apologizing and says he didn't mean to act like that because I didn't deserve it, and he wanted to grab coffee to explain himself, so we met up the next day. He gave me this whole speech about being in a major funk, dealing with zero sleep, and having a mountain of work at his job in NYC, blah blah blah, but whatever, I didn't really care if it was true or not, I just wanted to see him again.

Then one night we finally kissed and oh my god, it was literally the most beautiful, tender kiss I've ever had in my life! After that, we were basically inseparable with the nonstop calling and texting, but the catch was he said he didn't want to rush into anything serious right away because he thinks relationships fail when they move too fast, so he wanted to take it slow. I was like, okay, maybe he's right, since I've never been this into someone before, so we ended up sleeping together after just a week and I have zero regrets about that. Around Christmas, I finally brought up "the talk" regarding feelings, and he just said he needed more time because he's terrified of getting hurt again, plus there was this weird drama where his ex reached out and he seemed super messed up about it, though he insisted he didn't want her back and seemed sincere enough.

That evening, I finally called him out and told him straight up that I can't be with someone who isn't head over heels for me or doesn't feel anything, and he tried to argue that he *does* feel things and that I'm super important to him, he just didn't want to ruin what we had. When I asked him if he even knew what he wanted from me, he admitted he didn't, so I made a snap decision and told him we shouldn't see each other anymore, and even though he tried to save face by saying he'd call me tomorrow, I shut it down because I knew he wouldn't have an answer anyway.

So yeah, total radio silence all weekend, and then he hits me up on Monday just to check in, Tuesday to do the same, and then nothing else until today when he sent a "Happy New Year" text.

There was also that whole weird situation with his ex popping up and him acting super shady about it, even though he swore he was over her.

So yeah, that's the whole messy saga.

My question is, are there actually people out there who just can't fall in love instantly and genuinely need tons of time for that to happen? Like, should I have been more patient, or is a month and a half of seeing someone enough time to figure out where things stand?

Do you guys think there's anything left here worth trying to fix?

It's honestly killing me because I tend to get attached really fast, and he's the first guy in forever that I've actually liked as a whole package, so I'm stuck with this massive guilt thinking maybe I should have waited longer, and now I'm wondering if I should just ask him exactly what I'm asking you guys?

Honestly, I think you made the right call by walking away. It’s never a safe bet to stay with someone who operates like that; in my experience, about 90% of the time, people with that specific mindset eventually decide they want out, leaving you blindsided.

If I could offer one piece of advice, don't beat yourself up by asking whether you should have waited things out. Even if you did ask, he’d likely just tell you "yes" regardless of how he actually feels, mostly because he probably doesn't even have a clear answer himself. If the two of you can manage to maintain a friendship without you feeling like your heart is racing or you're getting worked up every single time you run into him, then that’s a great outcome. 🙂

But if you can't do that, the best thing for your own peace of mind is to just move on and leave him in the past. Don't go looking for more trouble.

It’s probably better if you just cut him loose: no more texts, no more coffee dates. He’s just the type who thrives on playing games. He’ll keep you constantly guessing, hot and cold. One minute he’s all over you, the next he’s ghosting. Then, the moment you try to create some distance, he starts blowing up your phone with texts. But as soon as you actually show interest, he suddenly remembers an ex or decides he’s having a "depressive episode"... didn't he tell you he wasn't sure if he was ready for a commitment? Or how he might never be able to love anyone again? 😁

He served his purpose: he proved to you that you can still fall in love, and that life can be exciting and meaningful with someone else. That should be enough reason to walk away from a relationship that left you empty

So, just move on 🙂

Jerry Martinez5 said:It’s probably better if you just cut him loose: no more texts, no more coffee dates. He’s just the type who thrives on playing games. He’ll keep you constantly guessing, hot and cold. One minute he’s all over you, the next he’s ghosting. Then, the moment you try to create some distance, he starts blowing up your phone with texts. But as soon as you actually show interest, he suddenly remembers an ex or decides he’s having a "depressive episode"... didn't he tell you he wasn't sure if he was ready for a commitment? Or how he might never be able to love anyone again? 😁

He served his purpose: he proved to you that you can still fall in love, and that life can be exciting and meaningful with someone else. That should be enough reason to walk away from a relationship that left you empty

So, just move on 🙂

that is literally exactly what she told me! and he doesn't even seem like some player just looking for a hookup because when I tried to "end things," he actually said we shouldn't sleep together anymore because it would just mess up our connection.

idk though... if I reach out now, I'm going to look so desperate, whereas right now I actually look like the cool girl in his eyes, but part of me is still wondering if I missed something by not waiting a little longer.

Sam Green4 said:that is literally exactly what she told me! and he doesn't even seem like some player just looking for a hookup because when I tried to "end things," he actually said we shouldn't sleep together anymore because it would just mess up our connection.

idk though... if I reach out now, I'm going to look so desperate, whereas right now I actually look like the cool girl in his eyes, but part of me is still wondering if I missed something by not waiting a little longer.

Look, I'll tell you exactly how this would play out:

You should have just waited. Let him clear his head first. Then you could have sent a quick text. You’d greet him all eager, and then you guys would just text back and forth. Go out? Who knows. Maybe grab a drink. It would have been great, I guess. Then, while he’s holding you after sex, he’d casually mention that some girl from kindergarten reached out to him—and that he wants absolutely nothing to do with her, and honestly can't fathom why she even bothered calling. Then he wouldn't reply to your texts for five days. Maybe.

Don't even sweat it. He’ll probably still be blowing up your phone with those pathetic little texts like, "what if you had just waited for me." Or maybe he'll try to corner you for coffee. Is it because he loves you? No. It's just because you're the perfect target for him to mess around with for another few years.

If you want to go back to him, that’s your call. You can do that. But once he starts up again with that same old routine... I guess we'll see. You haven't heard from them for a while. I guess they're dealing with depression.Either he starts going on about his exes hitting him up again, or he doesn't—either way, just remember what I told you.

Patient. 👎

Look, you’re just young. When some guy gives you that pathetic, soulful look and claims he's "not ready for a commitment," it doesn't mean he's some wounded soul who just needs your love to heal. It's his way of telling you he isn't serious about you.

Usually, they drop that line after having sex for the first time.

Before sex, it's always: "Don't fall for me, it won't end well for you."

And just because he isn't looking for anything serious, don't assume he won't keep calling or asking to hang out. These guys like to keep five or six girls on rotation and mess with all of them at once. He won't leave you alone unless you actually shut him down. But you'll never be anything more to him.

Just get out there and enjoy yourself with your friends. Give him some space to clear his head and process everything. If you happen to be seeing someone else by the time he’s actually ready, then so be it—that's a win for you. And if he's not ready, well, he can just keep looking

One more thing: stop worrying about whether you'll come across as "pathetic" or if you'll seem too "cool." Just act in a way that feels right to you. Honestly, it doesn't matter how people perceive you at all

Honestly, don't even bother giving me a chance, just move on. From everything you've shared here, it seems like you're the type who needs to feel fully embraced... someone who needs to know they're loved 100% right from the start. If that certainty isn't there at the beginning, it’s never going to happen. You shouldn't waste your time with someone who's constantly second-guessing whether they actually want to be with you, trying their best just to finally figure it out after six months or a year...

Go find someone new... the right person for you. Just stay patient...

Thanks for all the advice, guys, I think I’m actually gonna follow it and just ghost him.

It’s honestly so true that I go way too hard and catch feelings way too fast because I just want someone to love me back so badly that the second I vibe with someone, my brain immediately jumps straight to a serious relationship, marriage, kids, and the whole nine yards. This has gotta stop! But seriously, how do I even fix this?

Jerry Martinez5 said:Look, you’re just young. When some guy gives you that pathetic, soulful look and claims he's "not ready for a commitment," it doesn't mean he's some wounded soul who just needs your love to heal. It's his way of telling you he isn't serious about you.

Usually, they drop that line after having sex for the first time.

Before sex, it's always: "Don't fall for me, it won't end well for you."

And just because he isn't looking for anything serious, don't assume he won't keep calling or asking to hang out. These guys like to keep five or six girls on rotation and mess with all of them at once. He won't leave you alone unless you actually shut him down. But you'll never be anything more to him.

I'm not sure if this matters or whatever, but he told me that before we even had sex, right after we kissed... anyway, it doesn't even matter anymore, I'm just gonna let it go.

Seriously though, why do people even enjoy playing with others' emotions like this? I honestly don't see the appeal at all, it's just super pathetic.

Sam Green4 said:I'm not sure if this matters or whatever, but he told me that before we even had sex, right after we kissed... anyway, it doesn't even matter anymore, I'm just gonna let it go.

Seriously though, why do people even enjoy playing with others' emotions like this? I honestly don't see the appeal at all, it's just super pathetic.

Why do people like that even exist? Honestly—it's just because they can. Because there will always be someone out there who finds them appealing, or someone who sees something beautiful in them... I guess that's just how it goes...
Maybe they just crave the attention, I don't know...

Sam Green4 said:So, like, two months ago I totally dumped my boyfriend of a year—I think I actually posted about him on here before—and honestly, I just realized I wasn't feeling it anymore, especially after grabbing coffee with this guy I knew and feeling those crazy butterflies all over again! It was such a wake-up call because I realized I’m still totally alive inside and crave that insane rush and sexual tension you only get when you're actually falling for someone, which was totally missing from my last relationship.

Me and this guy, let's call him X, started hitting it off with endless texting and constant coffee dates, and I was pretty sure he was feeling the vibe too, but then out of nowhere, he hits me with this super blunt text saying he saw our whole thing as just being buddies and didn't want any awkwardness about who wants what. I played it cool and told him it was fine, and we didn't even talk for a week, which honestly wasn't even that big of a deal to me at first.

But then after a week, he reaches out apologizing and says he didn't mean to act like that because I didn't deserve it, and he wanted to grab coffee to explain himself, so we met up the next day. He gave me this whole speech about being in a major funk, dealing with zero sleep, and having a mountain of work at his job in NYC, blah blah blah, but whatever, I didn't really care if it was true or not, I just wanted to see him again.

Then one night we finally kissed and oh my god, it was literally the most beautiful, tender kiss I've ever had in my life! After that, we were basically inseparable with the nonstop calling and texting, but the catch was he said he didn't want to rush into anything serious right away because he thinks relationships fail when they move too fast, so he wanted to take it slow. I was like, okay, maybe he's right, since I've never been this into someone before, so we ended up sleeping together after just a week and I have zero regrets about that. Around Christmas, I finally brought up "the talk" regarding feelings, and he just said he needed more time because he's terrified of getting hurt again, plus there was this weird drama where his ex reached out and he seemed super messed up about it, though he insisted he didn't want her back and seemed sincere enough.

That evening, I finally called him out and told him straight up that I can't be with someone who isn't head over heels for me or doesn't feel anything, and he tried to argue that he *does* feel things and that I'm super important to him, he just didn't want to ruin what we had. When I asked him if he even knew what he wanted from me, he admitted he didn't, so I made a snap decision and told him we shouldn't see each other anymore, and even though he tried to save face by saying he'd call me tomorrow, I shut it down because I knew he wouldn't have an answer anyway.

So yeah, total radio silence all weekend, and then he hits me up on Monday just to check in, Tuesday to do the same, and then nothing else until today when he sent a "Happy New Year" text.

There was also that whole weird situation with his ex popping up and him acting super shady about it, even though he swore he was over her.

So yeah, that's the whole messy saga.

My question is, are there actually people out there who just can't fall in love instantly and genuinely need tons of time for that to happen? Like, should I have been more patient, or is a month and a half of seeing someone enough time to figure out where things stand?

Do you guys think there's anything left here worth trying to fix?

It's honestly killing me because I tend to get attached really fast, and he's the first guy in forever that I've actually liked as a whole package, so I'm stuck with this massive guilt thinking maybe I should have waited longer, and now I'm wondering if I should just ask him exactly what I'm asking you guys?

He's playing you... and he's playing you hard. In my opinion, he's trying to have his cake and eat it too... and you're just the backup plan. All that talk about feelings and how much he was hurting... ugh, what a load of nonsense.
Sorry if that sounds cold, maybe it isn't. But he's coming across as really immature and emotionally messy, and I don't think you need that—you deserve better. 😉
And Happy New Year! 😉

Some people just need more time to open up and connect, and we should definitely respect that pace. You haven't done anything wrong here. It’s a natural reaction to his hesitation to get close, so maybe just slow things down a bit? He clearly has feelings for you, and those feelings will likely only grow stronger over time.

There’s always a chance he’s just playing a part to keep women interested, but I doubt you’d miss that if it were happening. Honestly, why not just ask him straight up if he's the type who takes a while to build intimacy? Being upfront usually clears everything up...

Sam Green4 said:I'm not sure if this matters or whatever, but he told me that before we even had sex, right after we kissed... anyway, it doesn't even matter anymore, I'm just gonna let it go.

Seriously though, why do people even enjoy playing with others' emotions like this? I honestly don't see the appeal at all, it's just super pathetic.

Oh, candybar, it’s not that it isn't important—it’s just hilarious how typical and naive it is for women to fixate on a tiny detail like that in the middle of everything else. Anyway, good call on walking away... honestly, it's the only sane thing you could've done. 👍

And he isn't even doing it on purpose, it's just his ego acting out its own little needs... nothing more.

If he’s feeling unsure, it’s honestly better to just walk away now. There's nothing worse than catching feelings only to have someone tell you they've changed their mind later. :klap:

Maybe give him one last shot. Lay your cards on the table, set a clear deadline, and if he’s still dragging his feet after that, you'll know it's time to move on. :2up: