Existential dread

Lately, I’ve been finding myself spiraling into these long stretches of pure, unadulterated frustration—it’s enough to make me physically ill, an internal nausea that seems to bleed out into everything I touch. Every single sensation, every passing thought, every minor stimulus triggers these aggressive waves of negativity... it’s almost like despair forces its way into my mind through these irrational, looping thoughts. The end result is this crushing resentment toward life itself, which inevitably turns into self-loathing, and eventually, a bitter resentment toward my own mother just for bringing me into this mess in the first place...

When I actually manage to push all that noise aside—when I can finally exert some control over those irrational impulses—all that's left is this raw, naked sense of existing. It’s just the sheer, visceral sensation of a living organism simply *being*... and it is revolting. Truly, deeply, utterly revolting.

The only thing I can really do is endure it. I can attempt to numb the feeling with various substances—just to kill the sensation for a while, or perhaps to induce a momentary lapse in memory—but in the long run, the feeling remains stubbornly, relentlessly there.

I’m on antidepressants and things of that nature... they offer a marginal amount of relief, sure, everything is fine in that regard, but what am I supposed to do? How do I actually escape this sensation?

Look, it’s not about the actual experience of just "existing"—I know plenty of people who absolutely thrive on that feeling. The real issue here is your mindset toward life and how you’re handling your own existence. It sounds like you’ve let way too much baggage pile up over the years, and instead of slowly digging into the root causes to fix them, you’re just doubling down on running away from yourself.

The root issue is a serotonin deficiency—which is why I’m on medication—but even then, the sensation remains utterly revolting. I honestly don't know what kind of perspective one is supposed to adopt toward something that makes you feel physically sick... when you strip everything else away, all that's left is the fact that I am alive and I can feel that existence, and frankly, the feeling is disgusting. It’s exhausting, unnecessary, frustrating, and so profoundly meaningless that it feels like it just invalidates my entire being... and I haven't the slightest clue what to do about it.

I realize I might feel differently if my brain functioned differently, but I truly don't believe I'll ever be able to view life through a different lens; at best, I might eventually reach a point where I simply stop caring.

The greater struggle, though, is this constant state of internal conflict—I just can't accept it. I feel desperate, irritable... everything feels so pointless and futile that it directly irritates and drains me. I feel trapped, as if this whole existence was forced upon me, and I'm just furious about it. I hate it all.

placidwolf27 said:The root issue is a serotonin deficiency—which is why I’m on medication—but even then, the sensation remains utterly revolting. I honestly don't know what kind of perspective one is supposed to adopt toward something that makes you feel physically sick... when you strip everything else away, all that's left is the fact that I am alive and I can feel that existence, and frankly, the feeling is disgusting. It’s exhausting, unnecessary, frustrating, and so profoundly meaningless that it feels like it just invalidates my entire being... and I haven't the slightest clue what to do about it.

I realize I might feel differently if my brain functioned differently, but I truly don't believe I'll ever be able to view life through a different lens; at best, I might eventually reach a point where I simply stop caring.

The greater struggle, though, is this constant state of internal conflict—I just can't accept it. I feel desperate, irritable... everything feels so pointless and futile that it directly irritates and drains me. I feel trapped, as if this whole existence was forced upon me, and I'm just furious about it. I hate it all.

You should try psychotherapy. A psychiatrist, unless they are exceptionally good, won't really spend much time talking to you, whereas in therapy, they'll presumably try to help you process those emotions and give you tools to deal with them. I'm on antidepressants too, and I feel dead inside, like I'm just trapped within my own head.🙂

placidwolf27 said:Lately, I’ve been finding myself spiraling into these long stretches of pure, unadulterated frustration—it’s enough to make me physically ill, an internal nausea that seems to bleed out into everything I touch. Every single sensation, every passing thought, every minor stimulus triggers these aggressive waves of negativity... it’s almost like despair forces its way into my mind through these irrational, looping thoughts. The end result is this crushing resentment toward life itself, which inevitably turns into self-loathing, and eventually, a bitter resentment toward my own mother just for bringing me into this mess in the first place...

When I actually manage to push all that noise aside—when I can finally exert some control over those irrational impulses—all that's left is this raw, naked sense of existing. It’s just the sheer, visceral sensation of a living organism simply *being*... and it is revolting. Truly, deeply, utterly revolting.

The only thing I can really do is endure it. I can attempt to numb the feeling with various substances—just to kill the sensation for a while, or perhaps to induce a momentary lapse in memory—but in the long run, the feeling remains stubbornly, relentlessly there.

I’m on antidepressants and things of that nature... they offer a marginal amount of relief, sure, everything is fine in that regard, but what am I supposed to do? How do I actually escape this sensation?

I feel the exact same way.
But I don't use medication.
Because pills don't provide any sense of meaning.
Once you become truly aware of how repulsive everything is, it’s over. Though, technically, that is the true beginning. That is when you finally wake up. But life is only possible while you are asleep. Once you are awake, everything is revolting. Everyone knows this. That’s why people distract themselves and numb their senses with various methods. The ultimate goal of life, for most, is to cease existing. If you can't figure that out yourself, psychiatrists will hand you a prescription. That's the extent of it.

Jacob Mitchell3 said:I feel the exact same way.
But I don't use medication.
Because pills don't provide any sense of meaning.
Once you become truly aware of how repulsive everything is, it’s over. Though, technically, that is the true beginning. That is when you finally wake up. But life is only possible while you are asleep. Once you are awake, everything is revolting. Everyone knows this. That’s why people distract themselves and numb their senses with various methods. The ultimate goal of life, for most, is to cease existing. If you can't figure that out yourself, psychiatrists will hand you a prescription. That's the extent of it.

Unfortunately, I’m right there with you on this. We’re living in an era where everyone is basically pretending they have their act together, but finding someone who can actually hold a quality, conscious conversation is becoming nearly impossible. People just drift through, grabbing whatever is easiest, using pills to "help," which honestly just turns them into zombies and prevents them from ever truly experiencing life. And the stigma today? If you admit you're on medication, people immediately label you as "unstable" or "crazy." The sad truth is that hardly anyone is "normal" anymore, and as time goes on, it feels like things are just going to get worse and worse. It's not because I'm depressed; it's because nobody wants to admit they *are* depressed or take any responsibility for it. Besides, life itself is largely composed of depression—if it isn't just one big, senseless struggle for nothing. It's a cycle of chasing money, which is just disposable anyway, driven by a population where 90% of people think money is the answer to everything. When you factor in the constant crises and the non-stop bombardment of negative news from the media, I genuinely wonder how anyone is supposed to stay optimistic, sane, or follow any actual values when people choose to see only what they want to see... which is usually something negative.

Look, I’ve been through my own version of depression—I clawed my way out of it, anyway. It wasn't quite as intense as what you guys are dealing with, but I get it, I really do... it's heavy. But honestly? Life isn't just one long, exhausting grind where you're fighting for absolutely nothing. There is actual beauty in this world, seriously, but you have to train your brain to actually see it—which is hard, because most people spend their entire lives basically training themselves to hunt for the negative. For me, the real turning point was keeping this sort of "positivity log." I started jotting down good stuff—cool quotes I stumbled upon, nice things that happened, decent conversations, little wins, big wins, whatever gave me a reason to be grateful. And the weird thing is, the more I wrote, the more I started noticing those things in real time, and I felt better for it. Getting active physically helps a ton, too.

Obviously, this isn't a magic wand—you still have a mountain of issues to work through piece by piece—but that's how it works. You take these tiny, almost insignificant daily steps, and eventually, they add up to massive changes in how you live your life.

Nicholas Gonzalez8 said:Look, I’ve been through my own version of depression—I clawed my way out of it, anyway. It wasn't quite as intense as what you guys are dealing with, but I get it, I really do... it's heavy. But honestly? Life isn't just one long, exhausting grind where you're fighting for absolutely nothing. There is actual beauty in this world, seriously, but you have to train your brain to actually see it—which is hard, because most people spend their entire lives basically training themselves to hunt for the negative. For me, the real turning point was keeping this sort of "positivity log." I started jotting down good stuff—cool quotes I stumbled upon, nice things that happened, decent conversations, little wins, big wins, whatever gave me a reason to be grateful. And the weird thing is, the more I wrote, the more I started noticing those things in real time, and I felt better for it. Getting active physically helps a ton, too.

Obviously, this isn't a magic wand—you still have a mountain of issues to work through piece by piece—but that's how it works. You take these tiny, almost insignificant daily steps, and eventually, they add up to massive changes in how you live your life.

It would be so much easier if I actually knew what I was supposed to do with my life. Any time I try to start something, I know it's just going to end in pure tension and stress... plus, I won't actually enjoy any of it, so I definitely won't be good at it. I'm the kind of person who quits way too fast. If I could just wake up one morning and realize, "Okay, I'm going to be a doctor," man, I'd give it everything I had. I'd grind through med school, push myself to the limit, and that would be it. I'd probably actually be proud of my career and feel satisfied. But instead, I'll just be stressed and tense doing whatever I pick, especially since I bail so easily and my self-esteem is basically non-existent. To be honest, I don't see myself fitting into any job at all. Hell, I even tried writing songs for my guitar, only to realize I hated them and ended up tearing them up :P. Sometimes it feels like, with this kind of mindset, I shouldn't have even been born... that's pretty much how I've felt my whole life.

Nicholas Gonzalez8 said:Look, I’ve been through my own version of depression—I clawed my way out of it, anyway. It wasn't quite as intense as what you guys are dealing with, but I get it, I really do... it's heavy. But honestly? Life isn't just one long, exhausting grind where you're fighting for absolutely nothing. There is actual beauty in this world, seriously, but you have to train your brain to actually see it—which is hard, because most people spend their entire lives basically training themselves to hunt for the negative. For me, the real turning point was keeping this sort of "positivity log." I started jotting down good stuff—cool quotes I stumbled upon, nice things that happened, decent conversations, little wins, big wins, whatever gave me a reason to be grateful. And the weird thing is, the more I wrote, the more I started noticing those things in real time, and I felt better for it. Getting active physically helps a ton, too.

Obviously, this isn't a magic wand—you still have a mountain of issues to work through piece by piece—but that's how it works. You take these tiny, almost insignificant daily steps, and eventually, they add up to massive changes in how you live your life.

I honestly have no idea how that could have possibly helped you—I mean, what are we even talking about here? Sex, food, drugs... God knows what...

I’ve been watching this unfold for a while now—watching all the moving parts click into place—and honestly, I’m just waiting for the inevitable fallout. It feels like everyone is so caught up in the immediate noise that they’re missing the bigger picture entirely. You see it all the time in these types of situations: people fixating on the minor details while the actual foundation is shifting right under their feet. It’s exhausting, really—this constant cycle of predictable mistakes followed by shocked reactions from people who should have seen it coming a mile away. There’s a certain level of cynicism you develop when you stop expecting competence and start expecting the same old patterns to repeat themselves. It isn't even about being pessimistic; it's just about being observant. If you look at how things actually work behind the scenes, the outcome becomes almost a mathematical certainty. But hey, that’s just my take—another weary observer watching the gears grind. kaže:
Lately, I’ve been hitting these stretches where pure, unadulterated frustration just takes over—it’s one of those things that leaves you feeling physically sick, like there's this internal nausea that bleeds out into everything you do. Every single sensation, every stray thought, every little stimulus feels like an assault. When that happens, these aggressive, negative mental patterns start forcing their way to the surface—not even asking permission, just erupting. It turns into this spiral of despair and constant, irrational complaining that honestly feels impossible to stop once it starts. The end result? This overwhelming hatred for life in its entirety, which inevitably morphs into self-loathing, and eventually, it just settles into this deep-seated resentment toward my own mother simply for bringing me into this mess in the first place.

Once I finally manage to push all that noise aside—once I actually get a grip on those irrational, looping thoughts—all that’s left is this raw sense of just... existing. It’s nothing more than the pure, unadulterated sensation of an organism being alive, just being, in and of itself. And honestly? It’s disgusting. It's revolting. It's just plain repulsive.

All I can really do is endure that feeling—maybe numb it out for a while with whatever substances I can get my hands on, or even manage to forget it exists for a fleeting second—but in the long run, the damn thing just refuses to leave.

I’m currently on antidepressants and a few other things—they help, I guess, in a way—but honestly, I’m just stuck. Everything is fine on paper, but what am I actually supposed to *do*? How do I get rid of this feeling?

Fall in love, flash a smile, ditch the pills, and tell that psychiatrist to take a hike—because if someone’s claiming they want what's best for you while reaching for your wallet, they aren't helping you, they're just running a racket.

Unless we’ve actually reached that point—you know, the one where the price of everything just hits the ceiling and stays there.

In that regard—honestly—you can always just have a conversation with yourself. 😁

I know I’d probably feel differently if my brain were wired a bit differently—it’s a comforting thought, really—but I just don't believe I'll ever truly see life through a different lens. Maybe, if I'm lucky, I'll eventually reach a point where I simply stop caring altogether.

If you’re asking me—and honestly, why would you ask anyone else?—there’s really no need to go looking at life through some different lens. It is what it is.

Why bother lying?

So, you want to know if you can just blend into the crowd? If you can successfully fade into the background and become just another face in the sea of mediocrity? Honestly—it’s a question most people don't even bother asking because they're too busy trying to be "special" or whatever the current trend dictates. But let's be real: blending in isn't some grand achievement—it's more like a survival tactic for those who realize that standing out usually just invites unnecessary scrutiny from people who don't matter. It’s easy, really—if you're willing to shave off all those jagged edges of your personality that make you actually interesting. You just adopt the standard uniform, parrot the popular opinions you hear on the news, and follow the herd wherever it decides to wander. It’s efficient, I suppose—in a soul-crushing sort of way. Most people spend their entire lives doing exactly that without even realizing it—just drifting along the path of least resistance, terrified of what might happen if they actually dared to step out of line. It takes effort to be different—real, genuine effort—but staying invisible? That’s almost automatic once you stop fighting the status quo.
Look, things are alright for now—but let’s be real—if they aren't exactly where we want them to be, they're eventually going to improve. Even though, if you actually bother to look at the data, everything seems to be trending upward anyway.

The real issue I’m facing—and it’s a constant, exhausting battle—is that I am in a state of perpetual conflict. I just can't wrap my head around accepting things as they are. It leaves me feeling completely despondent and incredibly cranky—honestly, everything feels so utterly unnecessary and pointless that it triggers this direct, visceral irritation in me. It’s draining. I feel trapped, like all of this is being forced upon me from the outside—some kind of imposed reality—and frankly, I’m livid about it. I hate the whole damn thing.

What can’t you accept? Honestly—just accept everything.

So, what’s actually left on the table for you now?

There’s no going back to that blissful, untouched state—you know, that version of yourself from before someone kicks you out of your own home and throws you straight into this deep, dysfunctional mess we call society. Once the damage is done, once you've been cast out by the very people who were supposed to protect you, there's no resetting the clock. You're just left navigating the wreckage of a broken system.

Look, you haven't done anything wrong—honestly, don't beat yourself up over it. You aren't under any obligation to sit there and have a conversation with her if you don't want to.

Well, I guess it’s time to come up with something else to say.

Yeah.

You're stuck—and you know it.

Just deal with it.

Once you finally come to terms with it—really, truly accept the reality of the situation—you can finally let it go. It’s about liberation, plain and simple.

Cut out everything that doesn't sit right with you—all the noise, the dead weight, the people who drain your battery—and once the dust settles, you’ll actually be able to see what makes you happy. It's really that simple, though nobody ever tells you how much work it takes to actually pull the trigger on those cuts.

Do I have goals? Honestly, that’s a bit of a loaded question—it depends entirely on how you define "goals" in a world that feels like it's constantly spinning its wheels. If you mean grand, sweeping ambitions meant to change the course of history, I think most of us realized a long time ago that those are usually just fairy tales we tell ourselves to get out of bed. But if you’re asking whether I have specific, tangible objectives—things I'm actually aiming to pull off—then yes, sure. I tend to focus on the immediate, practical stuff: maintaining a sense of clarity amidst all this noise, staying ahead of the curve, and making sure I don't lose my footing while everyone else is running around aimlessly. It's less about reaching some mythical finish line and more about navigating the day-to-day without losing my mind—which, let's be honest, is a goal in itself these days.

Is it a choice between what you actually want versus what’s being forced on you—or are we stuck choosing just one of those two extremes?

Cut out everything that’s being forced upon you—even if it means you end up standing there with absolutely nothing left to aim for.

At the end of the day—after all the noise, the grinding work, and the endless chaos of life—the most important thing you can do is just fall in love. Everything else is secondary.

Look in the mirror to start with—you’re one of a kind.

Go ahead—pick whatever version of "happy" you want to settle for. It won't change much.
Everything in this life actually makes sense—except for that one fatal flaw where you let external circumstances get under your skin and ruin your mood. That’s the only thing that doesn't add up.

Do you actually realize what that implies?

It means you’re consciously handing over the only shred of free will you possess to everyone else.

If you ever decide to take that agency back—to strip away everything that doesn't serve you—I'm convinced all you'll have left is true freedom.

Personally, I reclaimed my will; I cut out everything except for social pressure.
But hey, I still have plenty of time to eliminate that, too.

Not in some flashy way just so people can brag about how "average" I am—as if sitting in an air-conditioned office for eight hours a day making $2,000 a month is some kind of achievement.

No, I mean in a way that shuts them up entirely.

And yeah, that kind of existence is a total departure from what the internet calls "standard civilized norms," isn't it?
The ones designed solely to sort us—big brains and small alike—into neat little psychological profiles that are easy to control, until the mind eventually stops registering anything at all.

I refuse to play that game. I'm not some mindless drone just waiting to be categorized.

And honestly, I think that’s where my luck lies.

So, where's yours? You might be successful now, fine. But even that is fleeting—if you let it be.

Though, keep one thing in mind... I might be wrong, but I'm usually pretty damn close.

placidwolf27 said:Lately, I’ve been finding myself spiraling into these long stretches of pure, unadulterated frustration—it’s enough to make me physically ill, an internal nausea that seems to bleed out into everything I touch. Every single sensation, every passing thought, every minor stimulus triggers these aggressive waves of negativity... it’s almost like despair forces its way into my mind through these irrational, looping thoughts. The end result is this crushing resentment toward life itself, which inevitably turns into self-loathing, and eventually, a bitter resentment toward my own mother just for bringing me into this mess in the first place...

When I actually manage to push all that noise aside—when I can finally exert some control over those irrational impulses—all that's left is this raw, naked sense of existing. It’s just the sheer, visceral sensation of a living organism simply *being*... and it is revolting. Truly, deeply, utterly revolting.

The only thing I can really do is endure it. I can attempt to numb the feeling with various substances—just to kill the sensation for a while, or perhaps to induce a momentary lapse in memory—but in the long run, the feeling remains stubbornly, relentlessly there.

I’m on antidepressants and things of that nature... they offer a marginal amount of relief, sure, everything is fine in that regard, but what am I supposed to do? How do I actually escape this sensation?

Based on how you’ve framed this, I honestly think your answer lies in Buddhism. Your description of what you're going through aligns pretty closely with the Buddhist concept of Suffering.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dukkha

Suffering (Latin; Sanskrit: duḥkha; Tibetan sdug bsngal) is a Buddhist term that people usually translate as "suffering," "anxiety," "stress," or just general "unsatisfactoriness." This principle is one of the absolute cornerstones of the Buddhist tradition. It is said that The Buddha taught nothing else except for one thing: Suffering and the end of Suffering. The standard way these ideas are presented is through the doctrine of the Four Noble Truths, where the Truth of Suffering (Latin: dukkha saccã; Sanskrit: duḥkha-satya) stands as the first of those four truths.

Suffering is typically broken down into three distinct layers:
The blatant physical and mental pain tied to being born, aging, getting sick, and eventually dying.
The constant anxiety or tension that comes from trying to cling to things that are always shifting.
A fundamental sense of dissatisfaction that permeates every aspect of existence, simply because all life is in flux, impermanent, and lacks a permanent inner core or essence.

The Buddhist tradition places huge emphasis on gaining real insight into the nature of Suffering, understanding the triggers that set it off, and learning how to move past it. This process is formulated in The teachings on The Four Noble Truths.

In short, Buddhism recognizes exactly what you’re describing and works toward liberation from it by building up mental and emotional discipline along with awareness.

placidwolf27 said:Lately, I’ve been finding myself spiraling into these long stretches of pure, unadulterated frustration—it’s enough to make me physically ill, an internal nausea that seems to bleed out into everything I touch. Every single sensation, every passing thought, every minor stimulus triggers these aggressive waves of negativity... it’s almost like despair forces its way into my mind through these irrational, looping thoughts. The end result is this crushing resentment toward life itself, which inevitably turns into self-loathing, and eventually, a bitter resentment toward my own mother just for bringing me into this mess in the first place...

When I actually manage to push all that noise aside—when I can finally exert some control over those irrational impulses—all that's left is this raw, naked sense of existing. It’s just the sheer, visceral sensation of a living organism simply *being*... and it is revolting. Truly, deeply, utterly revolting.

The only thing I can really do is endure it. I can attempt to numb the feeling with various substances—just to kill the sensation for a while, or perhaps to induce a momentary lapse in memory—but in the long run, the feeling remains stubbornly, relentlessly there.

I’m on antidepressants and things of that nature... they offer a marginal amount of relief, sure, everything is fine in that regard, but what am I supposed to do? How do I actually escape this sensation?

There are plenty of nihilists out there; maybe try accepting this as part of the human condition, like a philosophical realization about the nature of reality. To me, your posts seem very intellectualized, as if you're trying to use psychology or psychiatry to "fix" these existential insights... that seems to be your narrative...

That’s just that specific brand of life-weariness described by Nietzsche and Buddha. 👍 Oh, and Sartre too. Pure nausea. Are you a vegetarian? Not that it matters.

placidwolf27 said:I honestly have no idea how that could have possibly helped you—I mean, what are we even talking about here? Sex, food, drugs... God knows what...

Everything and anything from daily life: noticing a sunset, catching someone's smile, treating yourself to a new meal, learning a cool new skill, meeting different people, getting active, stuff like that. It's the little things that make a massive difference in a person's life—or at least they can, if you actually bother to pay attention.

Brandon Mitchell said:It would be so much easier if I actually knew what I was supposed to do with my life. Any time I try to start something, I know it's just going to end in pure tension and stress... plus, I won't actually enjoy any of it, so I definitely won't be good at it. I'm the kind of person who quits way too fast. If I could just wake up one morning and realize, "Okay, I'm going to be a doctor," man, I'd give it everything I had. I'd grind through med school, push myself to the limit, and that would be it. I'd probably actually be proud of my career and feel satisfied. But instead, I'll just be stressed and tense doing whatever I pick, especially since I bail so easily and my self-esteem is basically non-existent. To be honest, I don't see myself fitting into any job at all. Hell, I even tried writing songs for my guitar, only to realize I hated them and ended up tearing them up :P. Sometimes it feels like, with this kind of mindset, I shouldn't have even been born... that's pretty much how I've felt my whole life.

Look, I get that it isn't always easy, but you're basically pre-calculating your own failures and then planning how poorly you're going to react to them. With an attitude like that, you've already failed before you've even stepped onto the field. The truth is, you just need a bit of playfulness... just to try stuff out. Not necessarily to find your "one true calling," but just to have some fun exploring things. Most of it will just pass through your life, and that’s fine. But if you stay active, there's a pretty good chance that sooner or later you'll stumble onto something you actually like more than the rest, something you'll actually want to dive deeper into.

Nicholas Gonzalez8 said:Everything and anything from daily life: noticing a sunset, catching someone's smile, treating yourself to a new meal, learning a cool new skill, meeting different people, getting active, stuff like that. It's the little things that make a massive difference in a person's life—or at least they can, if you actually bother to pay attention.

Look, I get that it isn't always easy, but you're basically pre-calculating your own failures and then planning how poorly you're going to react to them. With an attitude like that, you've already failed before you've even stepped onto the field. The truth is, you just need a bit of playfulness... just to try stuff out. Not necessarily to find your "one true calling," but just to have some fun exploring things. Most of it will just pass through your life, and that’s fine. But if you stay active, there's a pretty good chance that sooner or later you'll stumble onto something you actually like more than the rest, something you'll actually want to dive deeper into.

I don't know, it just pisses me off that nothing can pull me away from this sense of despair, emptiness, and depression for more than two minutes. When I started taking meds, I figured, whatever, let's just try them and see what happens. I expected to feel at least somewhat happy again, but absolutely nothing happened. My days are just wasted; I don't see anything beautiful in them besides this constant, nagging hopelessness that follows me everywhere. I can't get any other thoughts through my head except suicidal ones and general frustration over things that I either don't have the strength to change or simply *can't* change. I have zero motivation for anything. I've always had a pathetic opinion of myself, and since it's always depended on what other people think, I honestly have no clue how I'm ever supposed to move forward or what I could even do. I have nobody to talk to because my friends don't have enough empathy to help, and my psychiatrist isn't any better. I just feel like the light inside me went out, and now I'm stuck in some vehicle that I'm supposed to drive, but there's no steering wheel and no gas in the tank. I just sit here looking out the window at other people who seem to actually live in the moment and enjoy themselves, while I'm completely disconnected from them and from life itself. I truly have no idea how to find my way back. Time isn't my friend; it doesn't bring me anything good and never has. I don't believe in God, so there's no help there either, and my family is in their own depression, so they can go screw themselves.

Look, since you’re clearly running low on support and could use some positive vibes, it might be worth trying to branch out—find some fresh, interesting people to hang out with, both in the real world and online. Honestly, I think even just diving into discussions like this can help lift the fog a little bit.

How do you actually snap out of it for those few minutes when that sense of emptiness and depression starts creeping in? What kind of thoughts or specific triggers usually set it off?

Nicholas Gonzalez8 said:Look, since you’re clearly running low on support and could use some positive vibes, it might be worth trying to branch out—find some fresh, interesting people to hang out with, both in the real world and online. Honestly, I think even just diving into discussions like this can help lift the fog a little bit.

How do you actually snap out of it for those few minutes when that sense of emptiness and depression starts creeping in? What kind of thoughts or specific triggers usually set it off?

I guess I was exaggerating a little, but if I catch an interesting movie—which doesn't happen often—I can manage to feel okay for about an hour while it's playing. Afterward, I’ll listen to music, but unfortunately, I don't feel or experience music nearly the way I used to. It used to drive me, it was there for me through everything I went through, etc., etc... now, music is mostly just boring because I can't actually *feel* it anymore. Talking to people and meeting new faces helps me, which is why I started volunteering, but once I'm back home, I feel like I'm stuck in a prison cell. I have absolutely no clue how to fill my time when nothing productive comes to mind except for what I already told you: it's either suicidal thoughts or just all these frustrations that have piled up over time and that I probably can't even fix right away. When I'm out in public, I'm usually dealing with this nagging paranoia that keeps me stressed out; the only times I actually feel relaxed are when I find something genuinely interesting or when I'm taking a shower. And because I feel so low, it's incredibly hard to find anything interesting enough to actually occupy my mind. At home, I barely talk to anyone besides my brother, and I won't touch a journal because it just irritates me, so yeah, that's pretty much it...

Brandon Mitchell said:I guess I was exaggerating a little, but if I catch an interesting movie—which doesn't happen often—I can manage to feel okay for about an hour while it's playing. Afterward, I’ll listen to music, but unfortunately, I don't feel or experience music nearly the way I used to. It used to drive me, it was there for me through everything I went through, etc., etc... now, music is mostly just boring because I can't actually *feel* it anymore. Talking to people and meeting new faces helps me, which is why I started volunteering, but once I'm back home, I feel like I'm stuck in a prison cell. I have absolutely no clue how to fill my time when nothing productive comes to mind except for what I already told you: it's either suicidal thoughts or just all these frustrations that have piled up over time and that I probably can't even fix right away. When I'm out in public, I'm usually dealing with this nagging paranoia that keeps me stressed out; the only times I actually feel relaxed are when I find something genuinely interesting or when I'm taking a shower. And because I feel so low, it's incredibly hard to find anything interesting enough to actually occupy my mind. At home, I barely talk to anyone besides my brother, and I won't touch a journal because it just irritates me, so yeah, that's pretty much it...

Volunteering is a solid move. 🙂

Maybe try diving into some totally different genres of music. I get that feeling too—where if I listen to the same kind of stuff for too long, I just tune out. Same thing happens with movies.

I actually just ordered a dartboard for my room; I figure it'll be a lifesaver for killing time when I'm cooped up inside. My plan is to pair throwing darts with listening to audiobooks. It's relaxing but also productive. You can work out, build something, or just drift off into a rabbit hole on a forum like this. 😉 And whenever the chance hits, you just head outside where things feel a little more manageable.

Nicholas Gonzalez8 said:Volunteering is a solid move. 🙂

Maybe try diving into some totally different genres of music. I get that feeling too—where if I listen to the same kind of stuff for too long, I just tune out. Same thing happens with movies.

I actually just ordered a dartboard for my room; I figure it'll be a lifesaver for killing time when I'm cooped up inside. My plan is to pair throwing darts with listening to audiobooks. It's relaxing but also productive. You can work out, build something, or just drift off into a rabbit hole on a forum like this. 😉 And whenever the chance hits, you just head outside where things feel a little more manageable.

Man, living with paranoia is absolutely exhausting. Honestly, if I just had to deal with anxiety, I could handle that, but paranoia is different—you start inventing scenarios in your head that aren't even real. Like, if someone gives you a weird look on the street, you immediately spiral into fear. You're constantly under this crushing stress, and it makes it impossible to actually enjoy anything. Medication has helped me somewhat, but I still feel paranoid whenever I step out the door. I found a local support group here in the city that deals specifically with these kinds of psychological issues, so I'm just waiting for them to find a meeting space so therapy sessions can start. Plus, I'm already attending a workshop for depression where we can just talk through things, which is fine, but paranoia is a total nightmare. I honestly don't know if I'll ever truly get past it. I believe it all stems from the sum of every negative experience I've had and how people have treated me in those moments, combined with being overly obsessed with what others think and the massive amount of stress I dealt with back during my college years. I really think that stress was the main trigger; I simply had nowhere to channel all that negativity I was accumulating for years, so it eventually manifested as paranoia. To be honest, I'm terrified that things might get even worse. Because of my struggles, I've almost lost my friends... I've found some music that helps right now, mostly chill electronic tracks 🙂 and I've been running, and doing some pushups here and there

Look, I get it—it’s rough right now. Really. But you’ve gotta keep making those tiny little strides forward every single day. It sounds cliché, I know, but that’s how you actually build momentum—one small win at a time. You aren't actually losing ground unless you decide to just throw in the towel on yourself and walk away from your own life entirely. That's the only way you truly lose.