Her, my mother-in-law, or me?

Maybe I should have posted this under "living with the mother-in-law" or something, but honestly, I need a more professional perspective on this whole mess. I got married less than a year ago to my husband—we were together for five years before that, but we’d never actually lived together. We have a little girl, too, who we both absolutely adore. Like most women, I wanted the whole dream: get married, have kids, build a life, cook for him, handle the laundry, the ironing, the parenting... you know the drill. But that dream basically went up in smoke on day one because I realized we weren't actually alone. We live in a house just ten minutes away from his family—his parents built it on his mom's insistence, which is a huge deal right there. And get this—the entire family business is run out of that same house. His dad, mom, sister, him, and about twenty other employees all work there, and we’re just living on the second floor. They treat our place like a public terminal; they come over every single day for breakfast and stomp around like they own the joint, acting like "this is my house and I'm the boss." Okay, maybe that’s not ideal, but I tried to adjust. What I don't get is, if they built this house "for the kids," why don't I have any privacy? People just walk into my bedroom without knocking—I mean, that is seriously creepy to me. If I kept typing, this would go on forever, so I'll try to wrap it up. Everything is so poorly defined... I'm starting to feel like my husband is just "Mommy's boy" living by her rules, and he doesn't even realize it. He tells me one thing, then turns around and does another with them. When his mother attacked me several times, he didn't say a word or take my side—he should have. To everyone else, he acts like this big leader everyone follows, strong and decisive, but when it comes to making actual decisions with me? Total disaster. We've drifted so far apart... he doesn't hug me, doesn't show affection, and we barely even have sex anymore because he’s always "too tired" from the day. It's just a catastrophe. I cannot fathom how a mother can have such an insane grip on her son.
From a psychological standpoint, is there really such a thing as a mother-son bond where the mother is treated like a "saint" and you're treated like... nothing? Where every single attempt to talk about something she's doing wrong turns into World War III? And most importantly, is it the mother's fault for not letting go? Is she just unable to accept that a woman has entered his life—someone he's supposed to start a family with, someone who will care for him just like she did? Because the issue isn't just about chores—though, god, why did I take on all the ironing? I told her I'd be embarrassed if she was doing the ironing for me and my husband, but it wasn't enough. When we were on vacation, she actually brought her iron from home just to iron all my clothes! Isn't that a little pathological? That desperate need to be involved in his every move? Don't even get me started on the cooking. About two months into the marriage, I finally managed to cook lunch for just me and my husband, (and until then, we "had" to go eat with them every single day 9.3 miles plus, I was nine months pregnant and the roads were a nightmare), and she snapped at me right in front of the employees, saying "as if we don't need to eat too!" Then, for the second meal, she didn't even show up for work the next day and just stayed in bed crying all day long. Now that I'm writing it down, I see how totally abnormal this is. Or are mothers really just *that* attached to their sons? I try so hard to greet him with a smile so he feels like he's actually home, so he knows I'm trying, but he still keeps running "home" because he says that's his real home. We are rarely here—honestly, we barely exist in our own house. We just sleep here, and maybe three times a week we eat lunch here (just the husband, the little girl, and me). My mother-in-law keeps calling me "willful" and "stubborn," and I'm sitting here wondering why? Because I want to spend a full day with my husband? Because we go to their place every Sunday and we've never even had a Sunday lunch just us here? Because I want to create a home for him and the baby, and look after them, and I don't want to have to tell her a day in advance what I'm cooking? I'm not trying to be rude, but why does she need to know? Is that being willful, or is it just being an independent adult? Who is the real problem here—is it my husband, the mother-in-law, or maybe me? I'm not saying I'm perfect or that I don't need to adapt, but how am I supposed to adapt to things that are clearly not normal? I ask other women in similar situations, and not one of them tells me that her mother-in-law walks into her bedroom while she's sleeping with her husband just to "check in" on them!
Seriously, I need some backup here—please, hit me with whatever examples or advice you guys have lying around... anything helps!

This reminds me of the movie Everyone Loves Raymond. 😉

First off, where did you get the idea that most women just want to marry, have kids, cook, and iron for their husbands?! Well, I suppose that isn't really the point here.

Second, I agree with you. I wouldn't want some woman hovering over me constantly either, but couldn't you have seen this coming before you agreed to move into that house? You two were together for five years, after all. I assume you would have met his mother during that time.

Anyway, getting back to the present—you essentially have two choices. You can either accept the situation because you can't change it, nor can you change your husband, who, like most men, refuses to disrespect his mother.
Or, you could move to a smaller place, though it might be less comfortable, just to ensure there aren't any third parties in your marriage.

I apologize if I missed anything; I didn't read the entire post very closely.

Nathan Ramirez2 said:Maybe I should have posted this under "living with the mother-in-law" or something, but honestly, I need a more professional perspective on this whole mess. I got married less than a year ago to my husband—we were together for five years before that, but we’d never actually lived together. We have a little girl, too, who we both absolutely adore. Like most women, I wanted the whole dream: get married, have kids, build a life, cook for him, handle the laundry, the ironing, the parenting... you know the drill. But that dream basically went up in smoke on day one because I realized we weren't actually alone. We live in a house just ten minutes away from his family—his parents built it on his mom's insistence, which is a huge deal right there. And get this—the entire family business is run out of that same house. His dad, mom, sister, him, and about twenty other employees all work there, and we’re just living on the second floor. They treat our place like a public terminal; they come over every single day for breakfast and stomp around like they own the joint, acting like "this is my house and I'm the boss." Okay, maybe that’s not ideal, but I tried to adjust. What I don't get is, if they built this house "for the kids," why don't I have any privacy? People just walk into my bedroom without knocking—I mean, that is seriously creepy to me. If I kept typing, this would go on forever, so I'll try to wrap it up. Everything is so poorly defined... I'm starting to feel like my husband is just "Mommy's boy" living by her rules, and he doesn't even realize it. He tells me one thing, then turns around and does another with them. When his mother attacked me several times, he didn't say a word or take my side—he should have. To everyone else, he acts like this big leader everyone follows, strong and decisive, but when it comes to making actual decisions with me? Total disaster. We've drifted so far apart... he doesn't hug me, doesn't show affection, and we barely even have sex anymore because he’s always "too tired" from the day. It's just a catastrophe. I cannot fathom how a mother can have such an insane grip on her son.
From a psychological standpoint, is there really such a thing as a mother-son bond where the mother is treated like a "saint" and you're treated like... nothing? Where every single attempt to talk about something she's doing wrong turns into World War III? And most importantly, is it the mother's fault for not letting go? Is she just unable to accept that a woman has entered his life—someone he's supposed to start a family with, someone who will care for him just like she did? Because the issue isn't just about chores—though, god, why did I take on all the ironing? I told her I'd be embarrassed if she was doing the ironing for me and my husband, but it wasn't enough. When we were on vacation, she actually brought her iron from home just to iron all my clothes! Isn't that a little pathological? That desperate need to be involved in his every move? Don't even get me started on the cooking. About two months into the marriage, I finally managed to cook lunch for just me and my husband, (and until then, we "had" to go eat with them every single day 9.3 miles plus, I was nine months pregnant and the roads were a nightmare), and she snapped at me right in front of the employees, saying "as if we don't need to eat too!" Then, for the second meal, she didn't even show up for work the next day and just stayed in bed crying all day long. Now that I'm writing it down, I see how totally abnormal this is. Or are mothers really just *that* attached to their sons? I try so hard to greet him with a smile so he feels like he's actually home, so he knows I'm trying, but he still keeps running "home" because he says that's his real home. We are rarely here—honestly, we barely exist in our own house. We just sleep here, and maybe three times a week we eat lunch here (just the husband, the little girl, and me). My mother-in-law keeps calling me "willful" and "stubborn," and I'm sitting here wondering why? Because I want to spend a full day with my husband? Because we go to their place every Sunday and we've never even had a Sunday lunch just us here? Because I want to create a home for him and the baby, and look after them, and I don't want to have to tell her a day in advance what I'm cooking? I'm not trying to be rude, but why does she need to know? Is that being willful, or is it just being an independent adult? Who is the real problem here—is it my husband, the mother-in-law, or maybe me? I'm not saying I'm perfect or that I don't need to adapt, but how am I supposed to adapt to things that are clearly not normal? I ask other women in similar situations, and not one of them tells me that her mother-in-law walks into her bedroom while she's sleeping with her husband just to "check in" on them!
Seriously, I need some backup here—please, hit me with whatever examples or advice you guys have lying around... anything helps!

Honestly, please, next time she walks into your bedroom without even knocking—just be naked, sprawl out toward the door, or do anything else possible
...then let her complain to everyone; maybe one of you will finally find the guts to tell her straight up that her behavior is pathological.🙄

And since your husband is such a traditionalist, it’s going to be even harder on him if he realizes his mother thinks she has a say in your intimate life. 🙄

That is essentially the heart of the Oedipus complex right there, even if I don't know much about psychology.

Forgive me if I'm sounding a bit intense, but people try to justify everything these days, and while there are always two sides to a story, this constant intrusion into a couple's private bedroom is simply disgraceful.

Look, I feel for you, but let's be real—your situation isn't actually where the issue lies
it’s all about your husband's legal😢
He’s the one who needs to step up and make it crystal clear to his mom that he’s got a family of his own now
Sure, he’ll always be her son, but at the end of the day, he lives in a different house with his own wife and kids

I'm sorry you're stuck in this mess, especially since you have a kid in the middle of it all. That just makes everything heavier. Your mother-in-law is clearly a possessive psycho, and the fact that your husband just sits there and lets it happen is what keeps this nightmare going.

Depends on what kind of chaos you're aiming for...

Honestly, I’d start by brewing her some heavy-duty cannabis tea just so she can actually relax for once.
If that doesn't turn her into a total space cadet...
then maybe slip her a drop of acid for round two.

Second option: grab some waterproof Sharpies and hand them over when you guys hang out this Sunday...

Third: bring a "special guest" along to the Monopoly game.

Fourth: just get hammered.

Fifth: full send!

Nathan Ramirez2 said:Maybe I should have posted this under "living with the mother-in-law" or something, but honestly, I need a more professional perspective on this whole mess. I got married less than a year ago to my husband—we were together for five years before that, but we’d never actually lived together. We have a little girl, too, who we both absolutely adore. Like most women, I wanted the whole dream: get married, have kids, build a life, cook for him, handle the laundry, the ironing, the parenting... you know the drill. But that dream basically went up in smoke on day one because I realized we weren't actually alone. We live in a house just ten minutes away from his family—his parents built it on his mom's insistence, which is a huge deal right there. And get this—the entire family business is run out of that same house. His dad, mom, sister, him, and about twenty other employees all work there, and we’re just living on the second floor. They treat our place like a public terminal; they come over every single day for breakfast and stomp around like they own the joint, acting like "this is my house and I'm the boss." Okay, maybe that’s not ideal, but I tried to adjust. What I don't get is, if they built this house "for the kids," why don't I have any privacy? People just walk into my bedroom without knocking—I mean, that is seriously creepy to me. If I kept typing, this would go on forever, so I'll try to wrap it up. Everything is so poorly defined... I'm starting to feel like my husband is just "Mommy's boy" living by her rules, and he doesn't even realize it. He tells me one thing, then turns around and does another with them. When his mother attacked me several times, he didn't say a word or take my side—he should have. To everyone else, he acts like this big leader everyone follows, strong and decisive, but when it comes to making actual decisions with me? Total disaster. We've drifted so far apart... he doesn't hug me, doesn't show affection, and we barely even have sex anymore because he’s always "too tired" from the day. It's just a catastrophe. I cannot fathom how a mother can have such an insane grip on her son.
From a psychological standpoint, is there really such a thing as a mother-son bond where the mother is treated like a "saint" and you're treated like... nothing? Where every single attempt to talk about something she's doing wrong turns into World War III? And most importantly, is it the mother's fault for not letting go? Is she just unable to accept that a woman has entered his life—someone he's supposed to start a family with, someone who will care for him just like she did? Because the issue isn't just about chores—though, god, why did I take on all the ironing? I told her I'd be embarrassed if she was doing the ironing for me and my husband, but it wasn't enough. When we were on vacation, she actually brought her iron from home just to iron all my clothes! Isn't that a little pathological? That desperate need to be involved in his every move? Don't even get me started on the cooking. About two months into the marriage, I finally managed to cook lunch for just me and my husband, (and until then, we "had" to go eat with them every single day 9.3 miles plus, I was nine months pregnant and the roads were a nightmare), and she snapped at me right in front of the employees, saying "as if we don't need to eat too!" Then, for the second meal, she didn't even show up for work the next day and just stayed in bed crying all day long. Now that I'm writing it down, I see how totally abnormal this is. Or are mothers really just *that* attached to their sons? I try so hard to greet him with a smile so he feels like he's actually home, so he knows I'm trying, but he still keeps running "home" because he says that's his real home. We are rarely here—honestly, we barely exist in our own house. We just sleep here, and maybe three times a week we eat lunch here (just the husband, the little girl, and me). My mother-in-law keeps calling me "willful" and "stubborn," and I'm sitting here wondering why? Because I want to spend a full day with my husband? Because we go to their place every Sunday and we've never even had a Sunday lunch just us here? Because I want to create a home for him and the baby, and look after them, and I don't want to have to tell her a day in advance what I'm cooking? I'm not trying to be rude, but why does she need to know? Is that being willful, or is it just being an independent adult? Who is the real problem here—is it my husband, the mother-in-law, or maybe me? I'm not saying I'm perfect or that I don't need to adapt, but how am I supposed to adapt to things that are clearly not normal? I ask other women in similar situations, and not one of them tells me that her mother-in-law walks into her bedroom while she's sleeping with her husband just to "check in" on them!
Seriously, I need some backup here—please, hit me with whatever examples or advice you guys have lying around... anything helps!

Look, I'm just going to give it to you straight.
The sooner you realize there's no fixing this, the better it will be for you and your kid.
He is never going to change, and you aren't going to succeed at pulling him away from her.
Only death could ever separate them.
Sure, she’s sick, and he isn't far behind, but knowing that doesn't help you—unless you decide to walk away.
When they are caught between the two of you, you truly are a nobody, no quotes needed. And that happens constantly.

Talking it out with your husband won't do a thing.
He'll always side with her, acting like you're the one attacking her.
No matter how hard you try to explain your side, you simply can't reach him.
He only has one version of reality in his head.
She's got him under some kind of spell, and that's that.

I honestly don't believe anyone can change his relationship with her, which means they can't change things for you either.
And I'm not even talking about professional therapy here.
He wouldn't allow it.

If you stay in this marriage, you're going to turn into a bitter, resentful woman who lets everything slide, especially herself. Worst of all, you'll start looking just like your mother-in-law.
You won't even realize it's happening.

apologize for being so blunt, but I went through something similar and managed to get out before things got serious, so I know.
Maybe your situation is different.
But here's a bit of pessimism for you: we all think our situation is the exception to the rule.
Sometimes it is, but usually, it isn't.

Sorry, again 😢
Maybe someone else will offer a more optimistic perspective after me.

I’m actually really curious to hear how your father-in-law handles a situation like this. I guess it would be interesting to know what kind of role he generally plays in your family dynamic, too. Like, what’s the vibe between him and your mother-in-law? And how does he actually get along with your husband?

The way your husband interacts with his mother feels incredibly possessive. It’s like he never actually went through that necessary stage of pulling away and becoming an independent adult during his teens. Honestly, it looks like a textbook case of a dysfunctional symbiosis. He treats her authority as this irrational, absolute force, basically giving her a free pass to meddle in his life—whether she’s doing it directly or just pulling strings from the sidelines—and making decisions for him. I guess if things don't go exactly her way, the whole dynamic shifts into manipulation, guilt trips, or those little emotional games designed to keep him under her thumb.

I’d probably suggest having an objective conversation with your husband, though I guess I don't really know what your communication style is like. Like, can you actually talk to him without things escalating into shouting matches? Can you stick strictly to the facts and be completely honest about what’s bothering you in the marriage? You’d also have to let him actually respond—you shouldn't try to jump the gun and answer for him, which, if I recall correctly, is exactly what his mother does anyway. I suppose it just depends on how much he rationalizes everything or how many excuses he uses to brush the problems under the rug.
I guess he just needs to realize that being a husband comes with its own set of responsibilities, much like how he’s held accountable for his performance at work or whatever. He's got obligations to you, plain and simple, and he ought to be just as committed to that role as he is to his professional life.
You really need to put the focus on the kid here. I mean, sure, maybe today your mother-in-law has some little nitpicks about how you run your household, but give it time—tomorrow she’ll be breathing down your neck about how you’re raising YOUR child. You can't let that happen. If you allow her to step in like that, you're basically sabotaging your own relationship with your daughter. She needs you to be a solid, consistent role model for her as she grows up, and you won't be able to provide that if you're constantly yielding to someone else's interference.
I suppose I’d also say that sitting down with a family therapist could be a pretty solid move. It’s possible your husband is viewing everything through such a subjective lens—maybe even letting some weird jealousy toward his mother cloud his judgment. Having an objective third party involved, someone who actually knows what they're talking about, might give you an argument he can't just brush off or rationalize away with his usual excuses. If he's faced with a professional opinion, he might finally just back down, which is probably the only way anything actually changes around here.

If it doesn’t work out... well, I guess that’s just how it goes. I really am sorry, but I honestly think it would be a huge mistake to let your daughter become another casualty of these messed-up dynamics.

Robert Howard97 said:Look, I feel for you, but let's be real—your situation isn't actually where the issue lies
it’s all about your husband's legal😢
He’s the one who needs to step up and make it crystal clear to his mom that he’s got a family of his own now
Sure, he’ll always be her son, but at the end of the day, he lives in a different house with his own wife and kids

The problem is definitely with her, though, because she raised him to be exactly this way.

He probably should be the one taking the first step toward changing how he interacts with his mother, but honestly, until she changes things up, nothing positive is going to happen.

Anyway, it looks like a painful process for everyone involved.

Angela Rogers2 said:I’m actually really curious to hear how your father-in-law handles a situation like this. I guess it would be interesting to know what kind of role he generally plays in your family dynamic, too. Like, what’s the vibe between him and your mother-in-law? And how does he actually get along with your husband?

The way your husband interacts with his mother feels incredibly possessive. It’s like he never actually went through that necessary stage of pulling away and becoming an independent adult during his teens. Honestly, it looks like a textbook case of a dysfunctional symbiosis. He treats her authority as this irrational, absolute force, basically giving her a free pass to meddle in his life—whether she’s doing it directly or just pulling strings from the sidelines—and making decisions for him. I guess if things don't go exactly her way, the whole dynamic shifts into manipulation, guilt trips, or those little emotional games designed to keep him under her thumb.

I’d probably suggest having an objective conversation with your husband, though I guess I don't really know what your communication style is like. Like, can you actually talk to him without things escalating into shouting matches? Can you stick strictly to the facts and be completely honest about what’s bothering you in the marriage? You’d also have to let him actually respond—you shouldn't try to jump the gun and answer for him, which, if I recall correctly, is exactly what his mother does anyway. I suppose it just depends on how much he rationalizes everything or how many excuses he uses to brush the problems under the rug.
I guess he just needs to realize that being a husband comes with its own set of responsibilities, much like how he’s held accountable for his performance at work or whatever. He's got obligations to you, plain and simple, and he ought to be just as committed to that role as he is to his professional life.
You really need to put the focus on the kid here. I mean, sure, maybe today your mother-in-law has some little nitpicks about how you run your household, but give it time—tomorrow she’ll be breathing down your neck about how you’re raising YOUR child. You can't let that happen. If you allow her to step in like that, you're basically sabotaging your own relationship with your daughter. She needs you to be a solid, consistent role model for her as she grows up, and you won't be able to provide that if you're constantly yielding to someone else's interference.
I suppose I’d also say that sitting down with a family therapist could be a pretty solid move. It’s possible your husband is viewing everything through such a subjective lens—maybe even letting some weird jealousy toward his mother cloud his judgment. Having an objective third party involved, someone who actually knows what they're talking about, might give you an argument he can't just brush off or rationalize away with his usual excuses. If he's faced with a professional opinion, he might finally just back down, which is probably the only way anything actually changes around here.

If it doesn’t work out... well, I guess that’s just how it goes. I really am sorry, but I honestly think it would be a huge mistake to let your daughter become another casualty of these messed-up dynamics.

But how on earth are you supposed to convince him?

Between his mother and his dad?
The dynamics in that house are a total disaster because she basically lives her life through her son.😲

I dealt with a pretty similar situation myself... though in my case, it was my mother-in-law's constant interference—until my husband finally cut ties with her during those first few days. It gave me some much-needed peace from God, even though we were living upstairs while they occupied the ground floor.

Regarding your own situation, I honestly don't understand how you haven't realized who you've been dealing with over these last five years—it seems completely nonsensical to me.

My advice? Have a direct, honest conversation with your husband about what you expect from him. If he still refuses to act, then I'm afraid there just isn't much left for you to hold onto here.

Stay strong and good luck!

As a mother of three boys, reading your post actually made me feel physically ill.
My sons aren't fully independent yet—we’re still very close emotionally—but even now, I make it a point never to just barge into their rooms or nose my way into everything they’re doing or feeling. Why? Because the process of letting go has already begun.
If what you’ve described is accurate, your mother-in-law is pathologically possessive—and your husband? He’s still acting like a total mama's boy.
Here is some honest advice: run. Get as far away as possible! No amount of "talking it out" is going to fix this situation.
Grab your child and get out before that woman manipulates them into becoming someone they aren't—then leave that marriage and that man in the rearview mirror.
The more you shrink yourself—the more you cave to her dominance—the more you lose who you are. You’ll eventually turn into nothing more than a doormat she uses to wipe away any remaining sense of purpose in your marriage or your life.
Don't get me wrong—I don't condone intolerance or disrespecting parents, especially a mother-in-law; too often, that attitude stems from a daughter-in-law's own selfishness or a fear of competition. But in your specific case, what you're dealing with isn't a marriage, nor is it even a functional human relationship.

Look, you can't just sit there expecting your husband or his mother to suddenly flip a switch and become different people. There was never any healthy boundary established between them—that natural separation between parent and child just never happened. Most likely, it’s because his father was either weak, totally checked out, or just completely absent when it mattered. Toss in a mother who already had those dominant personality traits and this desperate need for validation and affection she couldn't get from her husband or her own family, and you've got a recipe for disaster. She consciously and subconsciously made her son dependent on her, and she definitely didn't do a single thing to push him out into the world or help him actually stand on his own two feet.

There isn't really a "fix" here in terms of changing who they are. Your options are basically to pack your bags and get out, or you play the game while setting some ground rules for yourself along the way.

If you go with the second option—just let his mom handle the cooking and the cleaning. Give her even more chores by telling her that nobody else can do it quite as perfectly as she can. Then, you take that reclaimed time to do whatever the hell you want, hang out with your kid, and actually live your life.

Personally? I think I'd just run for the hills. All this stuff about her barging into your room and the total lack of intimacy in your marriage? That doesn't smell right to me at all. It's toxic.

And honestly, that lack of sex? Blame the mother—not directly, but blame her influence. Your husband probably feels, deep down in his subconscious, that being intimate with you is somehow betraying his mom. It's also possible he's using it as a way to "punish" you because you aren't catering to his mother the way he wants you to.

Bottom line, this whole situation is a nightmare and I know it's heavy for you... But look, you either have to adapt and find a way to live that works for you, or you walk away. If you don't do one or the other, you're just inviting physical or mental illness into your life. So, it's up to you.

This whole situation is just awful... but look, as long as you keep playing nice, smiling through the pain, and swallowing every bit of this crap without complaining (until you eventually end up with chronic gastritis or something even worse), he’s going to have—or at least want to believe—this illusion that everything is perfectly fine. You don't treat an infected wound by slapping concealer over it to make it look pretty; you have to lance it to let the infection out. Unfortunately, your husband isn't capable of doing that. I've seen several similar situations just from people in my own circle.
Some women (who actually have the means to pull it off) finally snapped and gave their old men a serious ultimatum about packing their bags and leaving, or they just did it. It worked. It wasn't like things changed 100%, but their husbands finally woke up a little, and the situation shifted from being completely unbearable to just... manageable. It’s not much of a consolation prize, but it’s better than nothing.

Here I am! And this one is going to be even longer. I have way too much to get off my chest.
First off: it’s not like I didn't see it coming—I was with him for five years, after all. I wasn't clueless; I actually had a great relationship with his mother. We used to talk about everything, and honestly, I thought she was wonderful. But once I found out I was pregnant and told them, everything just flipped. The real turning point? It was when we were just chatting casually about how I’d prep meals the day before I head to work, and if he’s stuck at the office, it wouldn't be an issue for him to just turn the stove knob and boil some potatoes... and she hits me with, "Well, he won't be hungry." Then there was the other moment, just days before the wedding, when I was out doing the shopping for our new house. He was in Washington, D.C. with her for work, and they bumped into each other at a Whole Foods. She just absolutely shredded me right there—asking why on earth I’d be cooking everything just for him, and what about *them* (her son and sister)? Where would they eat?! It finally clicked for me then, but because I’m so stubborn, I thought, "Fine, I’ll figure it out." Basically, she had a total meltdown when I mentioned we’d gradually start living more independently, but I had the meltdown when she asked what I was planning to cook for him and me! (I mean, obviously, since that’s how I’ve lived for 25 years!) So, she flipped the script—because things weren't going her way and she saw I was looking at life differently, she played the guilt card, making him feel bad about "separating" from her when they work together. My parents lived in a separate house on the same property, you know? They ate separately, cooked separately, did laundry separately... even when my grandma stayed with us, she’d come over regularly and we'd watch TV together, but we rarely ate as one big group, and they never meddled. They had a great relationship.
Second: The father-in-law. Truth is, he was never really interested in her. Just to give you context, they spent the first year living in Washington, D.C., and then moved into his parents' house and started adding onto it. She wanted to establish their own space her whole life, but she couldn't get him to budge, mostly because her husband was so tied to his mother. He was always out, never home, treated her terribly, and—truth be told—he got overly attached to the baby during a really difficult labor. He didn't know half of what she was saying or doing to me, but I finally laid it all out for him recently. He wasn't happy about it at all. He said from now on, he's "between us two" instead of just being my husband's, and since then, things have been slightly better. Before this, I had totally isolated her—I wouldn't answer her questions, I barely spoke to her outside of necessary stuff, and it hurt her because she just wanted to "be good with me."
Third: Sex. There isn't any. He’s using it to punish me for my relationship with his mother. I used to think I was the only one who felt this way, but now I know I'm right.
Fourth: He absolutely dotes on my little girl. I can't say she's totally submissive to my wishes; I give her instructions and she follows them, but she has this desire to protect her when I go to work, which is something I simply won't tolerate. I want her in daycare, and that’s what my husband and I agreed upon. Everyone tells me this is the major turning point in my life—that if I cave here, I might as well just swallow whatever she cooks and accept it all. And they are absolutely right.
Fifth: If I keep going like this, I’m going to end up just like her and lose myself entirely (which is exactly what happened to her). I haven't even hit the one-year mark yet, so I’m still fighting it, but a lifetime of this? I can see it now. If I give in to the many, many things I swore I'd never allow, I'll just tell myself, "Well, that's just life." What a life! Mine is mine, I chose it, and if I can't make it work, there are always solutions. It’s not like there's only one way to live, whether you're in the suburbs or the city. I'm young, I'm educated, and my whole life is ahead of me. Ugh, look at me being all optimistic.
Sixth: It is total "All in the Family" vibes.
Seventh: Communication? It's a complete blackout. You can't talk to him. And one of the main culprits—guess who?—is Mom, who has spent his entire life telling him he's right even when he's dead wrong. To him, any critique is an attack. Any conversation is an attack. The only thing that isn't an attack is a joke. But even then, when I try to make a joke—like, smiling and saying, "Please tell your mom not to fold my laundry while I'm gone (she did it once and I called her out immediately) because she can't be folding my underwear, she just can't, I don't want it"—even when I'm visibly agitated but trying to smile... it is SO EXHAUSTING! I tried, I really did, but I failed when she folded my undies. I mean, is it not embarrassing for her to be looking at the underwear I wear while I sleep with her son??? I don't get it!!! I even tried asking her once, "Why were you guys ironing this?" which was probably pretty arrogant, but I hope she got the hint. If she didn't, then I'm moving to full-scale action.
Alright, fine, I guess I finally got my answers—mostly because everything I was already thinking is exactly what’s being said right here.

Look, I’m not even married, but I’m definitely not one of those people who just throws in the towel and walks away because it’s the "easy way out"... I fight for my family, even if it feels like a losing battle sometimes—which, let's be honest, is totally unnecessary since the fair-weather friends were always there anyway...

Anyway, thanks everyone. I know some of you might be a little shocked—like, "wow, how could she let things get this crazy?"—but hey, love and marriage really can work miracles, I guess...

I am certainly no psychologist, but perhaps you could try to visualize a scenario where he might feel a bit embarrassed or self-conscious about his mother knowing certain details?
I imagine he probably feels there is a certain level of dignity and a sense of private intimacy that he simply wishes to keep to himself.
I honestly suspect he’s just checking out mentally whenever you start pushing back, mainly because if you both keep digging in like that, you're both going to end up stuck in some pretty extreme corners.
It’s a bit of a bummer that things have taken such a turn, especially since intimacy is really the one area where my mom hasn't stepped in yet.😛 I suppose that’s exactly why he isn't around anymore.

Does anyone else have more information on this? Self-willed. Are you really thinking about joining that particular group? 😬
Are you the only one who hasn't tied the knot yet?

Nathan Ramirez2 said:Here I am! And this one is going to be even longer. I have way too much to get off my chest.
First off: it’s not like I didn't see it coming—I was with him for five years, after all. I wasn't clueless; I actually had a great relationship with his mother. We used to talk about everything, and honestly, I thought she was wonderful. But once I found out I was pregnant and told them, everything just flipped. The real turning point? It was when we were just chatting casually about how I’d prep meals the day before I head to work, and if he’s stuck at the office, it wouldn't be an issue for him to just turn the stove knob and boil some potatoes... and she hits me with, "Well, he won't be hungry." Then there was the other moment, just days before the wedding, when I was out doing the shopping for our new house. He was in Washington, D.C. with her for work, and they bumped into each other at a Whole Foods. She just absolutely shredded me right there—asking why on earth I’d be cooking everything just for him, and what about *them* (her son and sister)? Where would they eat?! It finally clicked for me then, but because I’m so stubborn, I thought, "Fine, I’ll figure it out." Basically, she had a total meltdown when I mentioned we’d gradually start living more independently, but I had the meltdown when she asked what I was planning to cook for him and me! (I mean, obviously, since that’s how I’ve lived for 25 years!) So, she flipped the script—because things weren't going her way and she saw I was looking at life differently, she played the guilt card, making him feel bad about "separating" from her when they work together. My parents lived in a separate house on the same property, you know? They ate separately, cooked separately, did laundry separately... even when my grandma stayed with us, she’d come over regularly and we'd watch TV together, but we rarely ate as one big group, and they never meddled. They had a great relationship.
Second: The father-in-law. Truth is, he was never really interested in her. Just to give you context, they spent the first year living in Washington, D.C., and then moved into his parents' house and started adding onto it. She wanted to establish their own space her whole life, but she couldn't get him to budge, mostly because her husband was so tied to his mother. He was always out, never home, treated her terribly, and—truth be told—he got overly attached to the baby during a really difficult labor. He didn't know half of what she was saying or doing to me, but I finally laid it all out for him recently. He wasn't happy about it at all. He said from now on, he's "between us two" instead of just being my husband's, and since then, things have been slightly better. Before this, I had totally isolated her—I wouldn't answer her questions, I barely spoke to her outside of necessary stuff, and it hurt her because she just wanted to "be good with me."
Third: Sex. There isn't any. He’s using it to punish me for my relationship with his mother. I used to think I was the only one who felt this way, but now I know I'm right.
Fourth: He absolutely dotes on my little girl. I can't say she's totally submissive to my wishes; I give her instructions and she follows them, but she has this desire to protect her when I go to work, which is something I simply won't tolerate. I want her in daycare, and that’s what my husband and I agreed upon. Everyone tells me this is the major turning point in my life—that if I cave here, I might as well just swallow whatever she cooks and accept it all. And they are absolutely right.
Fifth: If I keep going like this, I’m going to end up just like her and lose myself entirely (which is exactly what happened to her). I haven't even hit the one-year mark yet, so I’m still fighting it, but a lifetime of this? I can see it now. If I give in to the many, many things I swore I'd never allow, I'll just tell myself, "Well, that's just life." What a life! Mine is mine, I chose it, and if I can't make it work, there are always solutions. It’s not like there's only one way to live, whether you're in the suburbs or the city. I'm young, I'm educated, and my whole life is ahead of me. Ugh, look at me being all optimistic.
Sixth: It is total "All in the Family" vibes.
Seventh: Communication? It's a complete blackout. You can't talk to him. And one of the main culprits—guess who?—is Mom, who has spent his entire life telling him he's right even when he's dead wrong. To him, any critique is an attack. Any conversation is an attack. The only thing that isn't an attack is a joke. But even then, when I try to make a joke—like, smiling and saying, "Please tell your mom not to fold my laundry while I'm gone (she did it once and I called her out immediately) because she can't be folding my underwear, she just can't, I don't want it"—even when I'm visibly agitated but trying to smile... it is SO EXHAUSTING! I tried, I really did, but I failed when she folded my undies. I mean, is it not embarrassing for her to be looking at the underwear I wear while I sleep with her son??? I don't get it!!! I even tried asking her once, "Why were you guys ironing this?" which was probably pretty arrogant, but I hope she got the hint. If she didn't, then I'm moving to full-scale action.
Alright, fine, I guess I finally got my answers—mostly because everything I was already thinking is exactly what’s being said right here.

Look, I’m not even married, but I’m definitely not one of those people who just throws in the towel and walks away because it’s the "easy way out"... I fight for my family, even if it feels like a losing battle sometimes—which, let's be honest, is totally unnecessary since the fair-weather friends were always there anyway...

Anyway, thanks everyone. I know some of you might be a little shocked—like, "wow, how could she let things get this crazy?"—but hey, love and marriage really can work miracles, I guess...

Hmm, true enough🙄
but—if you want a truly fulfilling life—you really have to learn to love yourself first, while also creating an environment that supports a little one's growth.

Nathan Ramirez2 said:Here I am! And this one is going to be even longer. I have way too much to get off my chest.
First off: it’s not like I didn't see it coming—I was with him for five years, after all. I wasn't clueless; I actually had a great relationship with his mother. We used to talk about everything, and honestly, I thought she was wonderful. But once I found out I was pregnant and told them, everything just flipped. The real turning point? It was when we were just chatting casually about how I’d prep meals the day before I head to work, and if he’s stuck at the office, it wouldn't be an issue for him to just turn the stove knob and boil some potatoes... and she hits me with, "Well, he won't be hungry." Then there was the other moment, just days before the wedding, when I was out doing the shopping for our new house. He was in Washington, D.C. with her for work, and they bumped into each other at a Whole Foods. She just absolutely shredded me right there—asking why on earth I’d be cooking everything just for him, and what about *them* (her son and sister)? Where would they eat?! It finally clicked for me then, but because I’m so stubborn, I thought, "Fine, I’ll figure it out." Basically, she had a total meltdown when I mentioned we’d gradually start living more independently, but I had the meltdown when she asked what I was planning to cook for him and me! (I mean, obviously, since that’s how I’ve lived for 25 years!) So, she flipped the script—because things weren't going her way and she saw I was looking at life differently, she played the guilt card, making him feel bad about "separating" from her when they work together. My parents lived in a separate house on the same property, you know? They ate separately, cooked separately, did laundry separately... even when my grandma stayed with us, she’d come over regularly and we'd watch TV together, but we rarely ate as one big group, and they never meddled. They had a great relationship.
Second: The father-in-law. Truth is, he was never really interested in her. Just to give you context, they spent the first year living in Washington, D.C., and then moved into his parents' house and started adding onto it. She wanted to establish their own space her whole life, but she couldn't get him to budge, mostly because her husband was so tied to his mother. He was always out, never home, treated her terribly, and—truth be told—he got overly attached to the baby during a really difficult labor. He didn't know half of what she was saying or doing to me, but I finally laid it all out for him recently. He wasn't happy about it at all. He said from now on, he's "between us two" instead of just being my husband's, and since then, things have been slightly better. Before this, I had totally isolated her—I wouldn't answer her questions, I barely spoke to her outside of necessary stuff, and it hurt her because she just wanted to "be good with me."
Third: Sex. There isn't any. He’s using it to punish me for my relationship with his mother. I used to think I was the only one who felt this way, but now I know I'm right.
Fourth: He absolutely dotes on my little girl. I can't say she's totally submissive to my wishes; I give her instructions and she follows them, but she has this desire to protect her when I go to work, which is something I simply won't tolerate. I want her in daycare, and that’s what my husband and I agreed upon. Everyone tells me this is the major turning point in my life—that if I cave here, I might as well just swallow whatever she cooks and accept it all. And they are absolutely right.
Fifth: If I keep going like this, I’m going to end up just like her and lose myself entirely (which is exactly what happened to her). I haven't even hit the one-year mark yet, so I’m still fighting it, but a lifetime of this? I can see it now. If I give in to the many, many things I swore I'd never allow, I'll just tell myself, "Well, that's just life." What a life! Mine is mine, I chose it, and if I can't make it work, there are always solutions. It’s not like there's only one way to live, whether you're in the suburbs or the city. I'm young, I'm educated, and my whole life is ahead of me. Ugh, look at me being all optimistic.
Sixth: It is total "All in the Family" vibes.
Seventh: Communication? It's a complete blackout. You can't talk to him. And one of the main culprits—guess who?—is Mom, who has spent his entire life telling him he's right even when he's dead wrong. To him, any critique is an attack. Any conversation is an attack. The only thing that isn't an attack is a joke. But even then, when I try to make a joke—like, smiling and saying, "Please tell your mom not to fold my laundry while I'm gone (she did it once and I called her out immediately) because she can't be folding my underwear, she just can't, I don't want it"—even when I'm visibly agitated but trying to smile... it is SO EXHAUSTING! I tried, I really did, but I failed when she folded my undies. I mean, is it not embarrassing for her to be looking at the underwear I wear while I sleep with her son??? I don't get it!!! I even tried asking her once, "Why were you guys ironing this?" which was probably pretty arrogant, but I hope she got the hint. If she didn't, then I'm moving to full-scale action.
Alright, fine, I guess I finally got my answers—mostly because everything I was already thinking is exactly what’s being said right here.

Look, I’m not even married, but I’m definitely not one of those people who just throws in the towel and walks away because it’s the "easy way out"... I fight for my family, even if it feels like a losing battle sometimes—which, let's be honest, is totally unnecessary since the fair-weather friends were always there anyway...

Anyway, thanks everyone. I know some of you might be a little shocked—like, "wow, how could she let things get this crazy?"—but hey, love and marriage really can work miracles, I guess...

I mean, hello?...
God... I honestly can't believe this...

just find yourself a lover, then you can be the one to withhold sex.

Speaking of this, here’s an example. I was just talking to a friend about how some people just walk right into a house without knocking if the door isn't locked. He lives in a multi-family setup where he, his wife, and their kids share a building with his parents—they have separate apartments, one floor above the other. But his mom kept walking into his place whenever she felt like it, totally ignoring any sense of privacy. It really bothered him (which, unlike your husband, is actually a reasonable thing to be annoyed about). He tried explaining why it was a problem, but nothing worked until he finally just snapped and told her, "What if I'm in there having sex with my wife?" Since then, she hasn't done it again.

Others have already chimed in with their thoughts on how you should handle this, but at the end of the day, the choice is entirely yours... 🙂

First things first, you really need to sit down and get honest with yourself about whether you actually love your husband and if you truly see a future with him by your side. If you're feeling even a little bit uncertain about those feelings, then just end it now, no matter how much it hurts in the moment... because everything waiting for you down the road is going to be so much more painful if you drag it out.

Now, if you do genuinely love him, you’ve basically got two paths to take. Given the way he is—and let's face it, you aren't going to change him, nor can you—you might want to just accept the situation so you aren't constantly suffering through it. You could try handing off all the housework, the cooking, the laundry, and all that stuff to your mother-in-law (with a polite "thank you," obviously), without letting it weigh on your mind... eventually, she'll get tired of doing it all. In the meantime, you can focus on your own career, your hobbies, and just living your life. And please, don't ever let this make you feel like you're a lesser wife or an inadequate mother... turn the whole thing to your advantage instead.
The other option, which isn't much of an option really, is to just keep letting this eat away at you, with absolutely no expectation that things will actually get better. Not to mention, you'll just find yourself drifting further and further away from your husband until the love just withers away entirely anyway...

Whichever way you decide to go, I truly wish you nothing but the best. 🙂