How can I help???

My mom is 51 and she’s had a rough go of it. She isn't working right now. Lately, she’s just completely withdrawn. She doesn't socialize, stays away from her old friends, and rarely leaves the house unless it’s for basic groceries. I try my best to be there for her—to talk, to get her out of the house—but I’m starting to wonder if I’m actually making things worse. It feels like she’s leaning on me so heavily that she doesn't feel the need to connect with anyone else, except for our daily walks. Honestly, it’s becoming a weight on me. I just want her to actually enjoy life again, to see her friends like she used to, and to get out more. I’ve tried talking to her about it, but she always has some excuse for why she won't call someone, why she won't grab coffee, or why she can't go out. I don't know if this is just a phase, but it’s been going on for quite a while now. Am I doing something wrong here? Is this behavior even **normal**??

when you guys head out, just drag someone else along... maybe you two could hit up a Starbucks together next time and just "accidentally" bump into someone there... try that instead

stormystag16 said:when you guys head out, just drag someone else along... maybe you two could hit up a Starbucks together next time and just "accidentally" bump into someone there... try that instead

There were actually times when acquaintances would genuinely join us on our walks. They’d even ask if we wanted to do it again because the company was good. But that never happened. It gets old, constantly reaching out to people who don't bother responding. And now, one of the reasons she isn't considered a friend is because nobody ever calls her either? Makes sense.

amberraven9 said:My mom is 51 and she’s had a rough go of it. She isn't working right now. Lately, she’s just completely withdrawn. She doesn't socialize, stays away from her old friends, and rarely leaves the house unless it’s for basic groceries. I try my best to be there for her—to talk, to get her out of the house—but I’m starting to wonder if I’m actually making things worse. It feels like she’s leaning on me so heavily that she doesn't feel the need to connect with anyone else, except for our daily walks. Honestly, it’s becoming a weight on me. I just want her to actually enjoy life again, to see her friends like she used to, and to get out more. I’ve tried talking to her about it, but she always has some excuse for why she won't call someone, why she won't grab coffee, or why she can't go out. I don't know if this is just a phase, but it’s been going on for quite a while now. Am I doing something wrong here? Is this behavior even **normal**??

That’s a sign that this isn't actually normal, nor is it a sustainable way to live.
Try having a real conversation with her and let her know you're worried. Then, just listen. Find out what she actually needs, how she’s feeling, and how she perceives everything happening right now...
From there, try to agree on some small changes together—start tiny and gradually scale up. The goal should be finding ways for both of you to find more fulfillment in life (and everyone defines "fulfillment" differently, so you don't have to agree on what that looks like). If you share any interests, suggest doing them together to get things moving.
It’s important to respect her feelings, whatever they may be, because there’s definitely a reason behind this (avoid getting into arguments about who is at fault; that’s a dead end. Just show her you understand). On the flip side, you need to set boundaries to protect yourself from burning out, because being overwhelmed won't fix anything in the long run. You first need to figure out for yourself what you want your own life to look like so you can stand your ground firmly, but without being harsh.

If that’s not enough, or if you feel like you're failing or that it's becoming too much to handle, then professional counseling might be worth considering. Look into some options and try suggesting specific steps by expressing your concern for her happiness. Even so, everything you're doing matters, even when it feels like it isn't working.
The more we build ourselves up, the more we can actually help others. Running yourself into the ground helps nobody. Compassionate decisiveness is a better way to go.

I’d recommend starting with her primary care physician. At her age, sometimes these issues are simply hormonal, but that needs to be ruled out along with other possibilities (which goes beyond what we can discuss here).

amberraven9 said:There were actually times when acquaintances would genuinely join us on our walks. They’d even ask if we wanted to do it again because the company was good. But that never happened. It gets old, constantly reaching out to people who don't bother responding. And now, one of the reasons she isn't considered a friend is because nobody ever calls her either? Makes sense.

Those are what you'd call "mind games." Generally speaking, it's a way to dodge accountability for one's own situation. You could view it as just another symptom of a depressive mood. If they actually put in the work to solve the problem, this should stop.

I tried talking to her about her friends and why she’s stopped returning calls. I've brought it up several times, basically asking why she isn't reaching out to anyone anymore, but it feels like she just doesn't want to go there. Every time we start discussing it, she finds some excuse for why she hasn't checked in. She claims most of those people just don't fit her lifestyle anymore. That's when I lose my cool. Maybe my approach is wrong. It's hard for me to just tell her straight up that I'm worried; for some reason, I can't bring myself to say it. During our talks, she insists she goes out enough. I even suggested things like joining an aerobics class or hitting the gym. Eventually, I talked her into signing up for a fitness program, and she actually went, though it didn't last very long. She was genuinely excited about it, though. I really can't put my finger on what's going on. She doesn't seem depressed overall—she's actually quite cheerful—but I know there are things from her past that still weigh on her.

Maybe it’s worth starting with a primary care physician to get some baseline testing done. You should probably check if your thyroid is acting up or see if there are other underlying issues like insomnia, weight fluctuations, or blood pressure changes. If you suspect anything related to menopause—especially if you haven't been keeping up with your regular OB-GYN appointments—it would be smart to consult a specialist there too. Once you've ruled out those physical causes, then you can look into antidepressants, talk therapy, or even a referral to a psychiatrist if things really need it. Just follow that kind of logical progression.

She’s keeping up with her OBGYN appointments regularly, and she actually just started menopause recently. Her thyroid checks were fine over the last few years, too. As for the insomnia—look, I know she sleeps poorly, but that goes all the way back to when she was stuck in that high-stress career for years. Regarding everything else, she stays on top of her blood work and recently had her mammogram done. To me, it feels like she's just struggling to step away from her old routine. She’s settled into this specific lifestyle, and breaking out of it seems to be a real struggle for her.

Anyway, thanks for the advice.

Take it slow. If she genuinely can't "snap out of it"—meaning we've ruled out habit, laziness, a whim, or just plain apathy—then a professional needs to step in and gauge the severity of the symptoms. But regardless, her own input on what she actually wants is crucial. Finding a solution is about finding a way for both of you to be heard.

I’m not quite sure how to kick this conversation off. Maybe I just don't have the right way of approaching this topic... But what if she actually likes things exactly as they are? What if she doesn't see any need for change and is perfectly content with the status quo?

Where do I even begin with making a change? Any advice? Maybe an idea or two?

amberraven9 said:I’m not quite sure how to kick this conversation off. Maybe I just don't have the right way of approaching this topic... But what if she actually likes things exactly as they are? What if she doesn't see any need for change and is perfectly content with the status quo?

Start by making it about you—tell her you're worried about her and that you're feeling completely burnt out. You need to be very specific about exactly which changes you want to see happen. Then, ask her straight up if she still thinks none of this is an issue, even if things don't stay exactly the same and some adjustments are actually made (you'll have to figure out those specifics yourself and be firm about them).
Wrap it up by offering to help. I feel like I've already covered a good chunk of this in my earlier posts.

So, we talked. It wasn't an easy conversation to have, mostly because she kept treating my concerns like I was just being annoying, constantly pivoting to a new topic. I told her straight up that I’m worried. Her response? She says she’s perfectly happy this way. She isn't reaching out to friends anymore because, according to her, they either drain her energy or they're too wrapped up in their own drama. She mentioned checking in with a few people here and there, but claims nobody has the time to actually grab a drink or hang out. No matter how hard I try to dig deeper, she shuts it down. She has one friend she visits for coffee occasionally, but they usually just stay in, since that friend doesn't really go out much either. That's the extent of it. Every time I try to address the real issue, she deflects and moves on to something else. Honestly, I'm at a loss. She insists there's nothing to worry about. But I’m worried. If she won't even go for a walk with me, she isn't going anywhere at all, and that doesn't seem right to me. It's rare for her to leave the house unless we're together. We just see things through completely different lenses.

amberraven9 said:So, we talked. It wasn't an easy conversation to have, mostly because she kept treating my concerns like I was just being annoying, constantly pivoting to a new topic. I told her straight up that I’m worried. Her response? She says she’s perfectly happy this way. She isn't reaching out to friends anymore because, according to her, they either drain her energy or they're too wrapped up in their own drama. She mentioned checking in with a few people here and there, but claims nobody has the time to actually grab a drink or hang out. No matter how hard I try to dig deeper, she shuts it down. She has one friend she visits for coffee occasionally, but they usually just stay in, since that friend doesn't really go out much either. That's the extent of it. Every time I try to address the real issue, she deflects and moves on to something else. Honestly, I'm at a loss. She insists there's nothing to worry about. But I’m worried. If she won't even go for a walk with me, she isn't going anywhere at all, and that doesn't seem right to me. It's rare for her to leave the house unless we're together. We just see things through completely different lenses.

I mean, it’s her life—fair enough, right? It probably doesn't feel great when she tells you (or used to tell you) to just live your own life. Look, I get that she should probably be more social, but we all hit those phases where we just aren't on the same wavelength as everyone else. There's likely a solid reason why her current circle isn't working for her... maybe they're constantly venting about health issues or whatever. Maybe she's between jobs, feeling less useful lately, or just stuck in a rut. That talk you need to have should really be more along the lines of, "Mom, what do *you* actually want? What's bothering you? How are you feeling? Why? What's missing from your friendships?" Maybe she just feels older and wants to step back... or maybe she's looking for the attention she isn't getting from her current friends. Or, honestly, maybe she goes out plenty but complains to you just to get a little extra attention or to keep you closer. I could go on forever here—you know her better than anyone—so just think back to when this all started and try to spot the root cause. And don't force the conversation if she's not feeling it. If she changes the subject, let it go and try again in a few days.

Then just let her have her way; maybe things aren't actually as bad as they seem. Just make sure she knows you're in her corner if she changes her mind or needs anything else... honestly, that's about as realistic as it gets.

Keith Jones76 said:Then just let her have her way; maybe things aren't actually as bad as they seem. Just make sure she knows you're in her corner if she changes her mind or needs anything else... honestly, that's about as realistic as it gets.

The hardest part for me is knowing she’s home most of the time. We rarely go out without her. When I'm working or away for a few days, I get this nagging sense of guilt. It feels wrong to be out having fun while she's just sitting there alone. I don't think she's thrilled about it either. I can tell she's bored, but it’s like she lacks the drive to change things. It isn't laziness. It's more like resignation. Years of a high-stress career and just a hard life have taken their toll. I think that's why she's stuck like this.

amberraven9 said:My mom is 51 and she’s had a rough go of it. She isn't working right now. Lately, she’s just completely withdrawn. She doesn't socialize, stays away from her old friends, and rarely leaves the house unless it’s for basic groceries. I try my best to be there for her—to talk, to get her out of the house—but I’m starting to wonder if I’m actually making things worse. It feels like she’s leaning on me so heavily that she doesn't feel the need to connect with anyone else, except for our daily walks. Honestly, it’s becoming a weight on me. I just want her to actually enjoy life again, to see her friends like she used to, and to get out more. I’ve tried talking to her about it, but she always has some excuse for why she won't call someone, why she won't grab coffee, or why she can't go out. I don't know if this is just a phase, but it’s been going on for quite a while now. Am I doing something wrong here? Is this behavior even **normal**??

It's perfectly normal. I'm 21 and I act the exact same way. The difference is I'm going through puberty while she's going through menopause. It's just a phase.☕

amberraven9 said:The hardest part for me is knowing she’s home most of the time. We rarely go out without her. When I'm working or away for a few days, I get this nagging sense of guilt. It feels wrong to be out having fun while she's just sitting there alone. I don't think she's thrilled about it either. I can tell she's bored, but it’s like she lacks the drive to change things. It isn't laziness. It's more like resignation. Years of a high-stress career and just a hard life have taken their toll. I think that's why she's stuck like this.

This doesn't make any sense. It’s her choice whether she wants to go out or stay in; you aren't to blame here. Maybe if you stopped hovering over her, she might actually realize she needs to deal with things herself. Right now, there's no reason for her to change since someone else is stepping in to handle everything—assuming this is even something she cares about fixing.

Thomas Howard93 said:This doesn't make any sense. It’s her choice whether she wants to go out or stay in; you aren't to blame here. Maybe if you stopped hovering over her, she might actually realize she needs to deal with things herself. Right now, there's no reason for her to change since someone else is stepping in to handle everything—assuming this is even something she cares about fixing.

I thought about pulling back on the invitations for walks. Maybe since she knows I'm around, she feels zero pressure to reach out or go anywhere. But every time I try to dial it back, my conscience gets the better of me. I can't help it. She doesn't see this situation as a problem. I think I'm just looking at things through a different lens than she is.