Schizophrenia - General Discussion

Rebecca Rivera3 said:I'm feeling completely worn down... how are you all holding up?

Honestly, I can't say I am.
I can't help but feel like I've just squandered every single opportunity that ever came my way.
Between relationships, college, and various jobs... I eventually ended up crawling back to this tiny little town in the Midwest, which honestly feels more like the middle of nowhere. I don't have a job, nothing to keep me busy, no social life—just nothing at all.
I'm only 30 years old, yet I feel like I'm already 80, and the thought of having another 50 years ahead of me is exhausting.☕
Life just feels pretty bleak right now, if I'm being honest... 🕺 I'm just ready for it all to be over. I don't really want to keep going.☕

Harold Anderson3 said:Honestly, I can't say I am.
I can't help but feel like I've just squandered every single opportunity that ever came my way.
Between relationships, college, and various jobs... I eventually ended up crawling back to this tiny little town in the Midwest, which honestly feels more like the middle of nowhere. I don't have a job, nothing to keep me busy, no social life—just nothing at all.
I'm only 30 years old, yet I feel like I'm already 80, and the thought of having another 50 years ahead of me is exhausting.☕
Life just feels pretty bleak right now, if I'm being honest... 🕺 I'm just ready for it all to be over. I don't really want to keep going.☕

Don't talk like that, Harold Anderson3. Things will turn around. Tomorrow is a fresh start, and honestly, the morning always feels a bit wiser than the day itself. I’m struggling too. I’m constantly praying for some extra cash, and I spent all that time getting a degree that now feels completely useless. I should have played my cards differently, sure, but that isn't a reason to throw your life away. Morning brings clarity. And man, this weather is brutal; it really drags you down and makes you spiral into these heavy thoughts about everything. You aren't alone in this. I've asked myself a thousand times why I even bother, but hey, that's just how I am. I actually have to head out into this miserable weather today. It makes me want to just give up on everything, but maybe tomorrow will be better and I'll have a clearer head. I just wish the sun would come out for once.

Jose Ward4 said:Don't talk like that, Harold Anderson3. Things will turn around. Tomorrow is a fresh start, and honestly, the morning always feels a bit wiser than the day itself. I’m struggling too. I’m constantly praying for some extra cash, and I spent all that time getting a degree that now feels completely useless. I should have played my cards differently, sure, but that isn't a reason to throw your life away. Morning brings clarity. And man, this weather is brutal; it really drags you down and makes you spiral into these heavy thoughts about everything. You aren't alone in this. I've asked myself a thousand times why I even bother, but hey, that's just how I am. I actually have to head out into this miserable weather today. It makes me want to just give up on everything, but maybe tomorrow will be better and I'll have a clearer head. I just wish the sun would come out for once.

We've got about three more days of this winter chill before things finally start to warm up.
I've been feeling pretty drained lately, but at least today I'm feeling a bit more like myself.
People who haven't dealt with mental health struggles just don't realize how heavy and unpredictable this battle can truly be.
And honestly, people are still afraid of us. 😲

Harold Anderson3 said:We've got about three more days of this winter chill before things finally start to warm up.
I've been feeling pretty drained lately, but at least today I'm feeling a bit more like myself.
People who haven't dealt with mental health struggles just don't realize how heavy and unpredictable this battle can truly be.
And honestly, people are still afraid of us. 😲

Exactly. They don't realize that someone struggling with this will usually hurt themselves long before they ever hurt anyone else.

Nobody gives a damn about our struggles; we can only find solace among those who actually get it. Psychiatrists just seem intent on drugging us senseless, yet none of these treatments actually work. The moment you start overanalyzing your own symptoms, you fall into a vicious cycle of new sensations and even more meds, which only makes everything worse.🙂

I’d say the only people who actually give a damn are family—well, at least my own did while she was still around. To everyone else? They couldn't care less.

So, let me try to wrap this all up. Ever since my diagnosis, I’ve been pretty consistent with my medication regimen. For a while there, I was seeing a therapist to help supplement the clinical side of things, which led to this somewhat tragicomic situation where my psychiatrist would ask what my therapist was advising, and then my therapist would turn around and ask the same about the psychiatrist. It felt like they were just passing the buck back and forth instead of actually helping. I have a few friends, but they aren't really people I can open up to about any of this—even though two of them have admitted they struggle with depression themselves. I don't have a partner, and honestly, I don't want one until I feel like I've sorted myself out (if that ever actually happens), because when we were together, we were both just equally miserable. Now, it feels like I'm the only one struggling. I find it a little easier to be around people than to be left alone with my own thoughts. Lately, I’ve been having these recurring thoughts, the kind where I think it might have been better if I had never been born rather than having to endure this constant struggle. My doctor told me those kinds of thoughts are "normal," not just for people with mental health conditions, but for anyone facing severe hardship. To be honest, it really irritates me when people claim that "everyone goes through hard times." That isn't true. Some people deal with depression because of external circumstances or specific crises, but for me, the depression is just a symptom of the illness itself; there is no underlying reason. It’s not like I’m starving or drowning in debt, but I know I could have achieved so much more in life if I weren't dealing with this. Accepting that is incredibly difficult. The idea that you could have had a college degree, a solid career, and a family, but instead you're just living off disability or social security... it's heavy. I'll say it again: I sometimes feel it would have been better never to have existed than to live this kind of life. The medications I take, including the injections, help keep me grounded in reality and aware of my surroundings, but they don't make me functional in any meaningful way. I don't know how much longer I can carry this weight and these crises, and I'm starting to fear that the question isn't whether I will eventually give up, but simply when. The world is a beautiful place full of possibilities, but I just don't feel like I belong here.🕺

I realize that you all can't actually fix my situation, even if you truly wanted to, but I’d still appreciate it if you could just listen to what I have to say. Sometimes, when someone who is struggling finds an ear, it feels like a little bit of that heavy burden gets shared with the listener, which helps more than you might think.
I have a follow-up appointment with my psychiatrist coming up soon, and I'm planning to ask about adding another antidepressant to my regimen or perhaps bumping up the dosage of what I'm already taking. There are moments when I spiral into these deep, dark places where the most intrusive, terrible thoughts just start flooding my mind.

E: I find myself having to wash the dishes just to feel even a tiny bit useful.🙂

Harold Anderson3, could this be coming from the Zyprexa? I mean, if you look at the side effects, it explicitly says that anyone taking it might experience suicidal thoughts. I went through something similar myself when I was on a combination of Zyprexa and Haldol. Back then, I’d be heading home from my night classes at the community college around 8:30 PM, and after taking those meds, I’d just be praying the night would pass. It was terrifying because those thoughts felt so incredibly real. It wasn't until I actually sat down and read the fine print on the side effects that it clicked—it was the Zyprexa. You should really look into it. If these feelings weren't this intense before you started the medication, it might be wise to talk to your doctor about switching off it. Did you have these kinds of thoughts before you ever touched Zyprexa? If they've ramped up recently, there's a strong chance this is the culprit. Please, read up on it or just bring it up with your psychiatrist during your next appointment. These are serious side effects to ignore.

That’s a fair point. To be honest, almost any antipsychotic comes with the risk of dragging down your mood or triggering suicidal thoughts, but Zyprexa is the one that actually manages to clear out my symptoms and help me stay productive—it really feels like the most effective option available to me. Still, I know what you're saying about the side effects; it seems like there's always a trade-off where the more effective a medication is at treating the core issues, the harder it hits you with those other downsides.

Harold Anderson3 said:That’s a fair point. To be honest, almost any antipsychotic comes with the risk of dragging down your mood or triggering suicidal thoughts, but Zyprexa is the one that actually manages to clear out my symptoms and help me stay productive—it really feels like the most effective option available to me. Still, I know what you're saying about the side effects; it seems like there's always a trade-off where the more effective a medication is at treating the core issues, the harder it hits you with those other downsides.

If I were in your shoes, I’d seriously look into whether the medication itself is the culprit. It might be worth getting it sorted just to clear your mind. That stuff can trigger some truly terrifying side effects.

I'm curious if there's any psychotropic medication out there that actually improves cognitive function. I can barely think, speak, or find the initiative to do anything; my creativity and memory have basically bottomed out. Currently, I'm just on a monthly injection of xeplion 150 mg.

I’m sorry to hear things aren't going so well for you all... especially for Harold Anderson3, who just headed back home and gave up on everything. It really hits close to home for me. You at least put up a fight before letting go, much like I did. Now you're just existing, counting down the days until it's over, wishing tomorrow would just come so you wouldn't have to struggle like this anymore.

Thanks, Rebecca Rivera3. I’m doing alright at the moment. I suppose the core of this whole struggle is just how much reality shifts, though swinging back and forth between mania and depression is unfortunately just the hand we're dealt with this condition. It's quite the psychological paradox, really.

No problem at all, Diego. Just take care of yourself and make sure you stick to your treatment plan—there's really no other way. Other than waiting out this rain and just trying to get through it.

Just a quick note to introduce some of the terminology to those who might be unfamiliar with it...

https://www.livingwithschizophreniau...understanding/

Back in 2016, I experienced a psychotic episode and was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. Prior to that, in 2011—during which time I was also hospitalized—I was treated for borderline personality disorder due to suicidal ideation...

Following my discharge in 2016 (after a two-month stay), it took about six months to recover from the negative symptoms. A combination of 300mg of Effexor, 10mg of Haldol, and 10mg of Zyprexa eventually helped. Initially, I was on xeplion, which was tapered down until it was completely discontinued. When the Haldol was introduced, it felt like spring had finally arrived; I began feeling like myself again. I became social, productive... over time, I ended up staying only on Zyprexa.

The trouble started because I felt so well, convinced that the psychosis had merely been a side effect of tapering off antipsychotics, so I decided to stop the Zyprexa altogether. To put it bluntly, I was doing great on 5mg of Zyprexa, and then I made the foolish decision to quit on my own accord... That happened this past month, leading to a month-and-a-half hospitalization.

Naturally, the psychosis returned. The official diagnosis now says F29, though my psychiatrist suggests it is paranoid schizophrenia...

Currently, I am prescribed xeplion 100 and 15mg of Haldol (aripiprazole).

I’m not noticing the same positive shifts that the Haldol provided last time. Is it possible that the side effects are coming from the xeplion, or am I simply dealing with negative symptoms? It feels as though I am checking off every single item on the list...

My doctor mentioned that we might eventually transition to an Abilify injection, so I plan to ask him to make that happen as soon as possible; I feel as though the xeplion is draining the life out of me. I am trying to maintain an affirmative mindset, hoping things will improve. I actually registered for this forum specifically because of this topic... Should I perhaps try Effexor again? I miss my emotions, my motivation, my interests, my drive, even my sense of humor. I seem to have lost everything. I used to be such an intensely emotional person...

I wonder how many of us are actually here? It doesn't help to realize that the woman who was the love of my life was my ex—we broke up just months before my psychosis, and now she won't respond to texts and has blocked me on Facebook...

I feel quite isolated in all of this. I am currently unemployed and living with my parents; my father is largely bedridden, and my mother is battling cancer...

I almost wish I still had that old anger and resentment from being bullied, just so I could build something again through heavy metal music. But there is no affect left. At most, I might experience a small, melancholy twitch when listening to classical music, which I suppose I should count as progress. I used to be such a connoisseur of all types of music, primarily indie...

Harold Anderson3 said:Honestly, I can't say I am.
I can't help but feel like I've just squandered every single opportunity that ever came my way.
Between relationships, college, and various jobs... I eventually ended up crawling back to this tiny little town in the Midwest, which honestly feels more like the middle of nowhere. I don't have a job, nothing to keep me busy, no social life—just nothing at all.
I'm only 30 years old, yet I feel like I'm already 80, and the thought of having another 50 years ahead of me is exhausting.☕
Life just feels pretty bleak right now, if I'm being honest... 🕺 I'm just ready for it all to be over. I don't really want to keep going.☕

Did you even work while you were in school? How did you manage to stay afloat at your job?

Can you take the summer off right now?

I’m not exactly an expert on schizophrenia—that’s far beyond my pay grade—but I’m mostly posting this because of Diego, who has been a regular conversation partner of mine here on the forums over a wide range of topics outside the realm of psychology. It genuinely pains me to see him struggling so much right now. Honestly, it’s difficult for me to pinpoint the exact source of his misery; sure, depression is a common shadow that follows schizophrenia, but then again, any set of brutal circumstances could drive anyone into a deep depression, regardless of their diagnosis, so perhaps it’s a bit of both?

All I can say is, hang in there, man. Try to find some way to build something meaningful out of life, though, if I'm being completely honest, I haven't the slightest clue how you might actually go about doing that...

I'm only experiencing negative symptoms right now. It’s tough. I’m holding out hope for something better. Harold Anderson3 has always been my blueprint for how to handle illness, so seeing him struggle makes me feel like there isn't much hope left for anyone else either.

Rebecca Rivera3 said:I'm only experiencing negative symptoms right now. It’s tough. I’m holding out hope for something better. Harold Anderson3 has always been my blueprint for how to handle illness, so seeing him struggle makes me feel like there isn't much hope left for anyone else either.

Oh, come on, don't talk nonsense, Rebecca Rivera3. There is always hope. Especially for people like us.