Schizophrenia - General Discussion

Harold Anderson3 said:I honestly convinced myself that psychiatrists had spent three whole years grooming me just to take down Sanders. It was back in 2009, and in my own head, everything felt perfectly logical; I had connected all the dots flawlessly, completely ignoring the fact that I don't have any actual connection to Sanders or politics whatsoever. Eventually, the hallucinations started creeping in, and as the symptoms began to subside, they seemed to reverse order—first the hallucinations cleared up, then the emotional chaos in my mind settled down, and interestingly enough, about a year after everything stabilized, I still had this intense feeling that I was being followed until that finally faded too.

Anyway, I saw my therapist today, though she didn't seem to have much time for a deep conversation, or perhaps she just wasn't feeling it. The main thing is that I took my medication, and I've been feeling steady for four weeks now.

E: Next time, I think I'll just tell her that I'm feeling pretty listless and that I feel way older than my actual age. Does anyone else deal with something similar? Just a bit of mild depression and things like that... :/

I think I totally get that—that feeling where you feel seventy years old, like you have zero motivation and you have to force yourself through every single activity. It’s like life just hit pause. Weekdays are manageable, but on Saturdays and Sundays, I wake up thinking everything is pointless because every day feels identical. Until a few months ago, despite being hospitalized, I had a wonderful, sunny life, but now I feel like a tree that’s been ripped right out of the ground, roots and all. It’s not like I’m dying, but this depression is always lurking somewhere inside me, just waiting in the shadows. How do you move past it? I'm just waiting for the "real me" to come back. And I know I need to pull myself together, too. I need to change something in my daily routine. Find a way to let the little things actually make me happy. Maybe that’s the answer for you, too.

Chloe Flores83 said:I think I totally get that—that feeling where you feel seventy years old, like you have zero motivation and you have to force yourself through every single activity. It’s like life just hit pause. Weekdays are manageable, but on Saturdays and Sundays, I wake up thinking everything is pointless because every day feels identical. Until a few months ago, despite being hospitalized, I had a wonderful, sunny life, but now I feel like a tree that’s been ripped right out of the ground, roots and all. It’s not like I’m dying, but this depression is always lurking somewhere inside me, just waiting in the shadows. How do you move past it? I'm just waiting for the "real me" to come back. And I know I need to pull myself together, too. I need to change something in my daily routine. Find a way to let the little things actually make me happy. Maybe that’s the answer for you, too.

But what exactly does that "true self" look like? I’ve come a long way since my diagnosis of schizophrenia, but I’m still nowhere near the kind of "normal" life most people my age lead. Most of my old high school classmates finished college and have already settled down and gotten married.
Knowing that those milestones are completely out of reach for me makes me incredibly unhappy.
Just as schizophrenia tore my mother's life apart, it’s doing the same to mine.
The one major difference, though, is that my mother gave birth to me, whereas I don't have any children of my own.
Sometimes—and maybe this sounds selfish—I wonder if my mother shouldn't have had a child given her illness. But then again, what would her life have been like? She probably would have ended up taking her own life.
We have to find contentment in the small things, because the "big" things just aren't an option for us. For me, that means listening to music and drinking coffee. I’ll head to the store and pick up a little something for myself. Most of the time, I’m alone here in this big city. My roommate is an alcoholic and is rarely ever home, which honestly, is fine by me; I'd much rather be alone than stuck in bad company.

Harold Anderson3, you got any pets at home? A dog or maybe a cat? I’ve been thinking about getting a little puppy, just a small one, but honestly, I’m terrified I won't actually be able to bond with it. Ever since I started taking these pills—and it doesn't matter which ones, really—it feels like my emotions are just... muted. There's this weird numbness toward the animal kingdom. Do you think we're even capable of loving an animal anymore? Since being on this medication, everything living feels half-empty to me, except for women. And man, I miss women. I'm just feeling incredibly lonely.

Jose Ward4 said:Harold Anderson3, you got any pets at home? A dog or maybe a cat? I’ve been thinking about getting a little puppy, just a small one, but honestly, I’m terrified I won't actually be able to bond with it. Ever since I started taking these pills—and it doesn't matter which ones, really—it feels like my emotions are just... muted. There's this weird numbness toward the animal kingdom. Do you think we're even capable of loving an animal anymore? Since being on this medication, everything living feels half-empty to me, except for women. And man, I miss women. I'm just feeling incredibly lonely.

I don't have any pets myself, though I do think they're wonderful because they bring so much life and genuine joy into a home. And to answer your question, yes, I believe we are still capable of love, even if it feels a bit dampened sometimes due to side effects or the medication itself. As for finding a relationship, who knows? Maybe you will find someone. Personally, I tend to avoid it because I always seem to end up disappointed in the end. Regardless, I'll be back at work tomorrow morning, just keeping things moving as usual.

I honestly can’t even feel the wind, the rain, or the heat from the sun like I used to back before I had my tablet 😢

At the very beginning of my illness, I was honestly convinced I had become a ghost. Seriously—I spent so much time questioning whether I was even alive or if I’d somehow slipped into some sort of parallel universe! It was quite the existential rollercoaster, really. 🤦

Wow, you all certainly didn't hold back! There is just so much written here that I can barely keep up with it all 🍿

I remember sitting at my desk one day, just staring at my hand gripping the mouse, when this sudden realization hit me—it felt like my own hand didn't even belong to me. Like my entire body was just some foreign object. 😲

It also got me thinking about this idea where we receive our daily instructions through dreams while we sleep. It’s as if we’re all just part of some holographic simulation being played by alien children. We don't actually have free will to do what we want; everything has already been programmed for us. 😬

Jose Ward4 said:I honestly can’t even feel the wind, the rain, or the heat from the sun like I used to back before I had my tablet 😢

Honestly, I don't think it's just the meds. If it is, you might be taking the wrong prescription or perhaps a dose that's a bit too high.
But, if I'm being real, it’s much more likely that you're dealing with some negative symptoms of psychosis.
That damn apathy... 👎

I tend to view my life in distinct chapters. There was early childhood, preschool, then elementary school, middle school, high school, college before my diagnosis, college after the diagnosis, and finally, the period following when I left school—which, honestly, feels like it’s been going on forever, though I officially graduated quite recently.
Each of these stages brought its own set of struggles and triumphs; some were just typical growing pains shared by everyone my age, while others felt uniquely mine, experienced by very few.
Before I actually got a formal diagnosis, I spent about two years trying to manage depression, which eventually shifted into manic episodes—sometimes managing them better than others.
During my first full psychotic episode, I genuinely felt like I was on top of the world. I just let myself sink into that overwhelming sense of euphoria, mostly because it felt like such a massive relief after struggling so much with depression for so long.
In the end, though, that high landed me in a psychiatric ward in Los Angeles for six months due to how severe the psychosis had become.
I haven't missed a single dose of my medication since then—it's been nine years now—but even on days when I feel truly wonderful or perhaps a little too good, I can't help but wonder with a bit of skepticism: is the psychosis making a comeback?
More often than not, however, I deal with the opposite issue: low moods, a lack of confidence, or just plain old depression.
Aside from that major psychotic break, I've had a few milder episodes too. Right after being hospitalized, I usually don't need antidepressants, yet somehow, three months later, I find myself asking for them again.
Currently, I'm taking a minimal therapeutic dose of Lamictal, which generally keeps my mood in a good place. I feel like I need this specific amount, but I worry that if I increase it, I might drift past "normal" and slip right back into a psychotic state.
@Jose Ward4, what kind of medications are you currently taking?

Harold Anderson3 said:But what exactly does that "true self" look like? I’ve come a long way since my diagnosis of schizophrenia, but I’m still nowhere near the kind of "normal" life most people my age lead. Most of my old high school classmates finished college and have already settled down and gotten married.
Knowing that those milestones are completely out of reach for me makes me incredibly unhappy.
Just as schizophrenia tore my mother's life apart, it’s doing the same to mine.
The one major difference, though, is that my mother gave birth to me, whereas I don't have any children of my own.
Sometimes—and maybe this sounds selfish—I wonder if my mother shouldn't have had a child given her illness. But then again, what would her life have been like? She probably would have ended up taking her own life.
We have to find contentment in the small things, because the "big" things just aren't an option for us. For me, that means listening to music and drinking coffee. I’ll head to the store and pick up a little something for myself. Most of the time, I’m alone here in this big city. My roommate is an alcoholic and is rarely ever home, which honestly, is fine by me; I'd much rather be alone than stuck in bad company.

My true self? I feel like I lost it or just forgot where I put it over the last few months. I imagine the "real" me isn't afraid or worried; she's full of confidence, ready to take on the world, cheerful, optimistic, always helping others, blah blah blah...🥱.It sounds like I'm describing Superman or some cosmic hero. Right now, I'm mostly just acting like I have a little bit of that positivity left, which is honestly exhausting. What I miss most is God and that feeling of gratitude for this "beautiful world He created just for me"—even if there's not much of it left for me today. I don't want to admit to anyone that there's barely any of "me" left because I hate pity, but some people see right through me (so I don't hang out with them), and lately, I've just preferred being solo. Being alone is actually getting better. I don't have to pretend. I just need to reorganize my life a bit. And while I wait to become "Me" again, I find myself imagining a parallel universe where God abandoned me for some reason, just like He left Jesus to suffer on the cross. It's all in my head, right? And isn't a world without God just chaotic, empty, and boring—especially when you're by yourself? Is it even smart to be dreaming up parallel universes when you have "F20" written all over your forehead?

Harold Anderson3 said:I tend to view my life in distinct chapters. There was early childhood, preschool, then elementary school, middle school, high school, college before my diagnosis, college after the diagnosis, and finally, the period following when I left school—which, honestly, feels like it’s been going on forever, though I officially graduated quite recently.
Each of these stages brought its own set of struggles and triumphs; some were just typical growing pains shared by everyone my age, while others felt uniquely mine, experienced by very few.
Before I actually got a formal diagnosis, I spent about two years trying to manage depression, which eventually shifted into manic episodes—sometimes managing them better than others.
During my first full psychotic episode, I genuinely felt like I was on top of the world. I just let myself sink into that overwhelming sense of euphoria, mostly because it felt like such a massive relief after struggling so much with depression for so long.
In the end, though, that high landed me in a psychiatric ward in Los Angeles for six months due to how severe the psychosis had become.
I haven't missed a single dose of my medication since then—it's been nine years now—but even on days when I feel truly wonderful or perhaps a little too good, I can't help but wonder with a bit of skepticism: is the psychosis making a comeback?
More often than not, however, I deal with the opposite issue: low moods, a lack of confidence, or just plain old depression.
Aside from that major psychotic break, I've had a few milder episodes too. Right after being hospitalized, I usually don't need antidepressants, yet somehow, three months later, I find myself asking for them again.
Currently, I'm taking a minimal therapeutic dose of Lamictal, which generally keeps my mood in a good place. I feel like I need this specific amount, but I worry that if I increase it, I might drift past "normal" and slip right back into a psychotic state.
@Jose Ward4, what kind of medications are you currently taking?

I'm taking 4mg of Haldol and 10mg of Vaire at night. Nothing during the day. I have this nagging feeling that it's the Haldol, mostly because it's the thing that really levels me out, I guess. I've been on that Haldol ever since I got out of the hospital. Do you think I should ask my doctor about switching it up? Ever since I started, nothing feels quite the same—not even the sunlight or the breeze feels as vivid as it did before I was on pills.

Jose Ward4 said:I'm taking 4mg of Haldol and 10mg of Vaire at night. Nothing during the day. I have this nagging feeling that it's the Haldol, mostly because it's the thing that really levels me out, I guess. I've been on that Haldol ever since I got out of the hospital. Do you think I should ask my doctor about switching it up? Ever since I started, nothing feels quite the same—not even the sunlight or the breeze feels as vivid as it did before I was on pills.

Haldol is a pretty heavy hitter; it’s really one of the only first-generation antipsychotics still being used today, or at least the only one I’ve ever had to deal with. I was on it back when things were at their absolute worst, but mine came in injections three times a day. Vaire, on the other hand, is one of those newer second-generation options.
I'm currently on Seroquel, which is also quite potent and an older med, along with an injection of Caplyta every four weeks. It turns out we actually have a very similar setup going, using a mix of an older drug and a newer one.
I'm not entirely sure, but it might be worth having a conversation with your doctor—maybe the Haldol is just hitting you a little too hard. Then again, if it's providing that sense of calm you mentioned, maybe it's doing exactly what it's supposed to do...🤷

Chloe Flores83 said:My true self? I feel like I lost it or just forgot where I put it over the last few months. I imagine the "real" me isn't afraid or worried; she's full of confidence, ready to take on the world, cheerful, optimistic, always helping others, blah blah blah...🥱.It sounds like I'm describing Superman or some cosmic hero. Right now, I'm mostly just acting like I have a little bit of that positivity left, which is honestly exhausting. What I miss most is God and that feeling of gratitude for this "beautiful world He created just for me"—even if there's not much of it left for me today. I don't want to admit to anyone that there's barely any of "me" left because I hate pity, but some people see right through me (so I don't hang out with them), and lately, I've just preferred being solo. Being alone is actually getting better. I don't have to pretend. I just need to reorganize my life a bit. And while I wait to become "Me" again, I find myself imagining a parallel universe where God abandoned me for some reason, just like He left Jesus to suffer on the cross. It's all in my head, right? And isn't a world without God just chaotic, empty, and boring—especially when you're by yourself? Is it even smart to be dreaming up parallel universes when you have "F20" written all over your forehead?

I have to tell you, I really appreciate your writing style.
Your true self hasn't vanished; it's just trying to adjust to a new reality.
Getting a schizophrenia diagnosis doesn't fundamentally change who you are, and neither do the medications.
I don't think it's helpful to completely withdraw from people, but I also don't think you should run away from loneliness into a crowd. There has to be a healthy balance between social time and being alone. There were many times when I was spiraling into depression and just having one person around helped pull me back out, even if we never even touched upon my depression or my struggles at all.
As for religion, God, and Jesus, I don't think we should get too caught up in those either; they are meant to be a source of support, not something that crushes our spirit.
That's why I struggle with the idea that "God left you to suffer on the cross," because even Jesus's suffering eventually reached an end—even if that end was death, we shouldn't look at it quite that way. At least, I personally refuse to accept suffering unto death as the whole purpose of living. Now I'm drifting off into philosophy on you a little bit 🙂

Harold Anderson3 said:Haldol is a pretty heavy hitter; it’s really one of the only first-generation antipsychotics still being used today, or at least the only one I’ve ever had to deal with. I was on it back when things were at their absolute worst, but mine came in injections three times a day. Vaire, on the other hand, is one of those newer second-generation options.
I'm currently on Seroquel, which is also quite potent and an older med, along with an injection of Caplyta every four weeks. It turns out we actually have a very similar setup going, using a mix of an older drug and a newer one.
I'm not entirely sure, but it might be worth having a conversation with your doctor—maybe the Haldol is just hitting you a little too hard. Then again, if it's providing that sense of calm you mentioned, maybe it's doing exactly what it's supposed to do...🤷

Hey Diego Rivera. Thanks for getting back to me. I wanted to ask—do things feel "normal" to you now? Like, can you actually feel the rain, the wind, or the heat on your skin? Can you feel the presence of people or even just a cat brushing past you since you started the tablets? Do you notice a difference? Because for me, everything feels totally numb. My emotions are just... flat. Even physical sensations like the wind or the sun against my face—it's not like it used to be. Everything feels muted. 😢

Jose Ward4 said:Hey Diego Rivera. Thanks for getting back to me. I wanted to ask—do things feel "normal" to you now? Like, can you actually feel the rain, the wind, or the heat on your skin? Can you feel the presence of people or even just a cat brushing past you since you started the tablets? Do you notice a difference? Because for me, everything feels totally numb. My emotions are just... flat. Even physical sensations like the wind or the sun against my face—it's not like it used to be. Everything feels muted. 😢

I'm doing alright for the most part right now, though there have been plenty of times when I wasn't. To be honest, my feelings can get pretty muddled sometimes, or they just vanish entirely, which is tough. :/

Harold Anderson3 said:I'm doing alright for the most part right now, though there have been plenty of times when I wasn't. To be honest, my feelings can get pretty muddled sometimes, or they just vanish entirely, which is tough. :/

Look, personally, I find the Haldol works okay for me. Actually, what carries over from the night into the next day is pretty minimal; the only thing I really notice is that it takes a bit more effort to wake up in the morning. Right now, I’m feeling fine. I have to brag a little, though it makes me a bit sad—I don't get to feel the sun, the wind, or almost any part of nature the way I did before I started the Haldol. That's why I was asking if you can still feel nature like you did before you started your meds while you're on the Lexapro. I guess I'm just scared of stopping this stuff and switching to something else. I don't know why, but it just bugs me. I'm only asking because I can really tell the difference between being on just the Vair (which I tried on my own) versus being on the Haldol. I wanted to see if you experience similar side effects with your prescriptions so maybe I can suggest something to my doctor to help me feel that connection again.

Jose Ward4 said:Look, personally, I find the Haldol works okay for me. Actually, what carries over from the night into the next day is pretty minimal; the only thing I really notice is that it takes a bit more effort to wake up in the morning. Right now, I’m feeling fine. I have to brag a little, though it makes me a bit sad—I don't get to feel the sun, the wind, or almost any part of nature the way I did before I started the Haldol. That's why I was asking if you can still feel nature like you did before you started your meds while you're on the Lexapro. I guess I'm just scared of stopping this stuff and switching to something else. I don't know why, but it just bugs me. I'm only asking because I can really tell the difference between being on just the Vair (which I tried on my own) versus being on the Haldol. I wanted to see if you experience similar side effects with your prescriptions so maybe I can suggest something to my doctor to help me feel that connection again.

The truth is, every single medication comes with its own set of downsides, and there really isn't a perfect pill that works for everyone. I guess what I'm trying to say is that they aren't all created equal, and none of them are truly ideal, which is probably why there are so many different options out there to choose from. :/

Harold Anderson3 said:The truth is, every single medication comes with its own set of downsides, and there really isn't a perfect pill that works for everyone. I guess what I'm trying to say is that they aren't all created equal, and none of them are truly ideal, which is probably why there are so many different options out there to choose from. :/

Alright. Thanks. But you didn't really answer my actual question. I think I'll just ask her directly and see what she has to say about it. It drives me absolutely crazy how every psychiatrist I've ever seen just repeats the same thing: "Don't stop taking your pills, or you'll feel worse." Honestly? I wish I had just one doctor who actually believed in me. Someone who believed I was healthy enough to move past this, so I could get back to feeling like my old self—maybe even better than before. It’s not like I’m looking for someone to patronize me with "everything will be fine, you don't need meds anymore, you're perfectly okay as you are." No. It’s just that these doctors keep telling me I'm broken and that I'll be on these tablets forever. They make it feel like I'll never feel like my true self again. It's heartbreaking, really. It just shakes my entire world and drains my courage to keep trying.

I feel fine, but at the same time, I don't feel fine at all.

Jose Ward4 said:I feel fine, but at the same time, I don't feel fine at all.

It’s like all those antipsychotics just blunt your emotions—both the highs and the lows. It makes sense, though, since they work by dialing down dopamine, which is basically our brain's reward system...
Personally, I’m just on an antidepressant, and while I definitely notice I’m a bit less reactive emotionally, I actually find it helpful. It gives me that steady ground I need to finally get my life in order...