Topic of the day: Would you rather cheat or be cheated on?

If you can't even stand yourself, there's zero chance you'll actually care about anyone else.

Sure, you can screw people over all you want. Cheating isn't some survival instinct, and it certainly isn't the end of the world.

And I'm not just talking about sex here.
To screw someone over means playing them in any way possible.

But let's be real—life isn't some black-and-white movie.

feralranger said:If the person you are dating (truly, mind you, rather than just paying lip service like most people do) wouldn't feel any jealousy—meaning they wouldn't suffer if you were to share an act of affection with someone else—then why would there be any drama at all, and why would we even bother calling it "cheating"?

The same logic applies in reverse.

At the end of the day, it’s just monogamy versus whatever other ways people love, if those even exist.

Jealousy is just two sides of the same coin.
You being a guy probably means you've got an ego to deal with, too.

Austin Bailey3 said:But what about a fourth? Or a fifth? 🕺

🙂

feralmoose32 said:🙂

🙂

feralranger said:...besides, everyone seems to have their own peculiar little definition of what actually constitutes "cheating."

For the vast majority of people, it boils down to those most prone to jealousy and possessiveness, specifically focusing on the physical act itself.

However, if you ask anyone else, the line moves constantly; some individuals—and quite frankly, many of them—would argue that "infidelity" includes things like:

- a kiss (specifically a "French" kiss)
- a simple kiss on the lips without tongue
- dancing that leans a bit too heavily into erotic movement or touch
- texting that delves into deep emotional intimacy...
- and so on (it’s a moving target, really, as different people will list different offenses, and even genders tend to diverge here, since men and women often experience jealousy through slightly different lenses, despite the inevitable overlap)

Ultimately, depending on just how much someone struggles with possessiveness, any one of these actions could swing anywhere from being a "no big deal" moment to a full-blown, relationship-ending drama.

I agree with everything you listed here. ☕

Thomas Nelson25 said:At the end of the day, it’s just monogamy versus whatever other ways people love, if those even exist.

Jealousy is just two sides of the same coin.
You being a guy probably means you've got an ego to deal with, too.

Monogamy, when contrasted with polyamory, inherently implies a certain level of jealousy or an exclusivity regarding third parties, which serves as the very bedrock of a monogamous relationship.

It is primarily a characteristic of the erotic sphere rather than philia; consequently, exclusive "monopolies" on friendship are quite rare, though I have observed that some individuals do indeed exhibit jealousy or possessiveness in that realm—for instance, I've noticed certain women becoming visibly agitated when their "best friend" decides to hang out with someone else instead...

feralranger said:Monogamy, when contrasted with polyamory, inherently implies a certain level of jealousy or an exclusivity regarding third parties, which serves as the very bedrock of a monogamous relationship.

It is primarily a characteristic of the erotic sphere rather than philia; consequently, exclusive "monopolies" on friendship are quite rare, though I have observed that some individuals do indeed exhibit jealousy or possessiveness in that realm—for instance, I've noticed certain women becoming visibly agitated when their "best friend" decides to hang out with someone else instead...

I mean, it's good to know the different types of love, but honestly, it doesn't really change the topic at hand.

Also, women tend to process cheating differently—they usually find ways to move past it easier.
Men handle it differently, and let's be real, they probably have a harder time getting over it.

Plus, it was female Homo sapiens who actually came up with monogamy, not the males.

Joseph Rivera75 said:This question is pretty mindless, honestly. Being conned or being the con artist isn't some binary choice you can just pick from a menu in a hypothetical scenario.
Besides, even for the most selfless person out there, survival instinct is a thing. At the end of the day, people are wired to look out for number one.
I’d give my left arm—literally—for a mother willing to throw her life away to save her kid.
But for everything else? It’s easy to sit on a soapbox acting all moral and full of love for humanity, but real life works differently. People choose themselves. It’s just easier to live with yourself that way.

That’s why I say I’d rather protect my own peace of mind and let the other person deal with the guilt of being a jerk. If they end up being the villain, I'll move past it in a few months. But if *I'm* the one who acted poorly, I'll spend the next 20 years trying to fix it—and since that's impossible, I'll just end up stuck in a cycle of self-punishment, thinking I deserve to live ten years less or some other nonsense.

Someone who lacks the character to not be a jerk isn't suddenly going to develop it overnight. However, you personally can have that capacity and actually work on it. Personally, I think I have that potential; it just depends on how much work and practice I put in to improve. I'll never be a pushover when it comes to morals, but my level of success depends entirely on how much effort I'm willing to invest.

You reap what you sow—it’s one of those old proverbs that seems to apply to just about everything in this life.
One could spend an eternity lecturing on the nature of deception, particularly within the digital landscape, but I suppose we have already exhausted that particular subject on this forum more times than I care to count.
There is a certain school of thought that suggests there is no harm in a little fraud, arguing that if you don't know you've been cheated, it doesn't actually hurt...

Thomas Nelson25 said:I mean, it's good to know the different types of love, but honestly, it doesn't really change the topic at hand.

Also, women tend to process cheating differently—they usually find ways to move past it easier.
Men handle it differently, and let's be real, they probably have a harder time getting over it.

Plus, it was female Homo sapiens who actually came up with monogamy, not the males.

According to various studies—which, if I may say so, align perfectly with my own observations—the majority of women exhibit higher levels of jealousy or possessiveness when it comes to emotional betrayal, whereas men are more reactive toward sexual infidelity. Of course, there is significant overlap between the two, naturally, and there are plenty of outliers, which is exactly what one would expect.

Ugh... what a question.

When discussing romantic relationships, my definition of cheating includes any interaction with someone else that goes beyond simple friendship.

In practice, I wouldn't even grab coffee with someone if there was mutual attraction while I was already in a relationship or marriage. No texting, no touching, no hugging, no kissing...
I say this from experience; there were opportunities and invitations, and I declined them all.
To me, it’s just common sense.

I always maintained that I would never forgive infidelity. After all, why stay with someone who wants someone else?
However, I changed my stance after my husband cheated on me.
By then, we had been together for 12 years, and our marriage existed in name only.
So, I wasn't surprised, nor did it hurt much.

What actually caught me off guard was how my perspective shifted—that I eventually forgave him and was willing to try and repair the broken bond.

Theory is one thing; experience is quite another.

Alexander Adams94 said:That’s why I say I’d rather protect my own peace of mind and let the other person deal with the guilt of being a jerk. If they end up being the villain, I'll move past it in a few months. But if *I'm* the one who acted poorly, I'll spend the next 20 years trying to fix it—and since that's impossible, I'll just end up stuck in a cycle of self-punishment, thinking I deserve to live ten years less or some other nonsense.

Someone who lacks the character to not be a jerk isn't suddenly going to develop it overnight. However, you personally can have that capacity and actually work on it. Personally, I think I have that potential; it just depends on how much work and practice I put in to improve. I'll never be a pushover when it comes to morals, but my level of success depends entirely on how much effort I'm willing to invest.

You claim you wouldn't cheat, yet there was another day where you were bragging about dodging your workload and dumping it on a coworker.
🤔

When you get close to someone, you start feeling like they’re actually yours, right? Everything they do hits harder because you’ve let your guard down and poured your heart into it, and honestly, nobody wants to be played for a fool when they're that vulnerable. You can build that intimacy, sure, but you can lose it just as fast. And when new people slide into the picture—especially types that don't vibe with you or people who start stealing the attention of the person you care about—it triggers this weird mix of irritation and genuine sadness. And boom, there you go: pure possessiveness.
It’s a pretty selfish way to be, if we're being real, but at its core, it’s just massive insecurity and total immaturity. Look, I can wrap my head around certain feelings if they stay within reasonable limits, but I have zero patience for anyone who thinks their "feelings" give them a free pass to act like a tyrant and do whatever the hell they want.
Besides, being possessive doesn't always mean you're threatened by a romantic rival. A mother might be super overprotective of her daughter and try to block her from dating, or even with a son. Or you've got the boyfriend who gets jealous and tries to stop his girl from hanging out with her girlfriends, especially if he thinks they're talking trash about him. It goes everywhere.

fadedheron said:Ugh... what a question.

When discussing romantic relationships, my definition of cheating includes any interaction with someone else that goes beyond simple friendship.

In practice, I wouldn't even grab coffee with someone if there was mutual attraction while I was already in a relationship or marriage. No texting, no touching, no hugging, no kissing...
I say this from experience; there were opportunities and invitations, and I declined them all.
To me, it’s just common sense.

I always maintained that I would never forgive infidelity. After all, why stay with someone who wants someone else?
However, I changed my stance after my husband cheated on me.
By then, we had been together for 12 years, and our marriage existed in name only.
So, I wasn't surprised, nor did it hurt much.

What actually caught me off guard was how my perspective shifted—that I eventually forgave him and was willing to try and repair the broken bond.

Theory is one thing; experience is quite another.

Theoretically speaking, my response would be this:

It’s because wanting another person doesn't inherently negate their desire for you—provided, of course, that you aren't actually prone to jealousy (assuming you truly aren't, and instead find genuine joy in the expansion of love rather than in conflict or warfare).

However, if you happen to be like most people out there, then it's quite obvious that you are possessive in that regard, making any version of love shared with a third party entirely unacceptable to you.

fadedheron said:Ugh... what a question.

When discussing romantic relationships, my definition of cheating includes any interaction with someone else that goes beyond simple friendship.

In practice, I wouldn't even grab coffee with someone if there was mutual attraction while I was already in a relationship or marriage. No texting, no touching, no hugging, no kissing...
I say this from experience; there were opportunities and invitations, and I declined them all.
To me, it’s just common sense.

I always maintained that I would never forgive infidelity. After all, why stay with someone who wants someone else?
However, I changed my stance after my husband cheated on me.
By then, we had been together for 12 years, and our marriage existed in name only.
So, I wasn't surprised, nor did it hurt much.

What actually caught me off guard was how my perspective shifted—that I eventually forgave him and was willing to try and repair the broken bond.

Theory is one thing; experience is quite another.

So, did any of you actually pull it off?

🕺

feralranger said:According to various studies—which, if I may say so, align perfectly with my own observations—the majority of women exhibit higher levels of jealousy or possessiveness when it comes to emotional betrayal, whereas men are more reactive toward sexual infidelity. Of course, there is significant overlap between the two, naturally, and there are plenty of outliers, which is exactly what one would expect.

If a guy cheats, he can usually crawl his way back to his wife and family—provided he plays his cards right.
But even if he acts all liberal about it, deep down, that betrayal might still hit him harder than he realizes.

I'd much rather cheat on 🙂

Thomas Nelson25

Why would a guy act all high and mighty about forgiving a woman he actually loves, especially when she’s reciprocating?
What's even the difference between genders here?
What reason should a cheated-on woman be "happy" to forgive? That she finally has someone to cook dinner for and clean up after?

Joseph Rivera75 said:Thomas Nelson25

Why would a guy act all high and mighty about forgiving a woman he actually loves, especially when she’s reciprocating?
What's even the difference between genders here?
What reason should a cheated-on woman be "happy" to forgive? That she finally has someone to cook dinner for and clean up after?

"If he really loves me, he won't let anyone else touch me."
It's just basic guy logic—and honestly, it's just straight evolution from back in the day.

A woman with a family and a marriage usually sees that as a serious institution—it's a huge part of her life—so if he still loves her (assuming that other woman hasn't stolen his heart), she'll probably just play nice and deal with it diplomatically.

Thomas Nelson25 said:If a guy cheats, he can usually crawl his way back to his wife and family—provided he plays his cards right.
But even if he acts all liberal about it, deep down, that betrayal might still hit him harder than he realizes.

That kind of crawling? It’s totally fake if there isn't some actual, deep-seated repentance and a total overhaul of who they are. Look, I believe in genuine remorse and people actually turning their lives around, I really do, but I also know all about those "quick fixes"—those temporary transformations where someone acts all fired up to make things right, only for the flame to die out, leaving them right back where they started, with all those same old reasons for cheating bubbling up to the surface again eventually.