Posts by David Palmer5

Kyle Nelson2 said:Because if we're actually going to wrap our heads around this situation, we need to know a few things first:
- how many exams you've sat for over the last year
- which university we're even talking about
- how many exams you have left to go

From what I've gathered, Toco1980 tends to ramble on forever about his old life (honestly, the woman must be exhausted just listening to him all day!), but when you ask him anything direct, he gives you nothing but vague, cryptic answers. It’s always some sort of "it's complicated" nonsense.
I think that pattern says a lot.
About HIM, obviously. 😛

William Nelson7 said:David Palmer5, you're missing the mark regarding all this nagging... There is no way she stops complaining just because Megan White4 finally gets her life together. You don't seem to grasp how it works: a mother often projects all her internal turmoil and deep-seated frustrations onto her son simply because he's the one standing right there. Now, I’m not saying she’s some kind of villain here. Everyone has their own narrative. But let me be clear: once things settle down, Megan White4 needs to move out. If he stays, even after achieving total success, she will just find new, trivial things to nitpick about. On the other hand, moving away doesn't mean walking away from her. He needs to visit regularly and offer his support. Even if he has to endure the constant lecturing, at the end of the day, she is his mother.

I feel like I'm starting to repeat myself, which is silly, but whatever... I've already pointed out that we're only seeing one side of this. The reality is that this guy is 28, still in college (and he expects it'll take over a year to graduate), and he isn't working—not even a part-time gig. Meanwhile, his mother is working, she's managed a marriage, runs a household, raises a son, and maintains a social life; she's functioning on multiple levels. So, if she nags, it's not exactly shocking. The real question is whether she actually HAS the time to nag as much as Megan White4 claims. Beyond that, he clearly hasn't taken any ACTUAL steps toward independence. Come on, plenty of us finished our degrees on time while working simultaneously; I even know people who had kids during college. It is doable.
To me, it seems pointless to complain for months on end instead of just finding a job and becoming self-sufficient.
And don't even get me started on the nagging: Megan White4 says his mom gets upset because he always leaves the toothpaste cap off. For heaven's sake, if it bothers her that much, she can just close it herself; how hard can that be?!
But if the woman is frustrated, I totally believe that. You wouldn't be feeling frustrated either if you were supporting a 28-year-old son who isn't working, has a long way to go before graduation, spends most of his time drinking beer, has no girlfriend, and constantly vents about you on an online forum!
Just read through those posts and you'll see what I mean....
At the very least, let him get his life sorted first, and then we can debate whether his mom is still nagging or if it's something else entirely...

shadowtrucker18 said:I suppose one really ought to just step aside and let her take the wheel (it doesn't even matter if she doesn't have a license right now—let her drive or stay quiet. She’ll likely just stand there yelling for a bit, but whatever).

If you ask me, her constant nagging UPĆE has nothing to do with how he drives. A woman nags because she's fed up with everything. If he were actually focused on his studies or working hard, I bet she wouldn't be complaining even ten percent as much as she is now.
And as much as she nags him at home, he spends just as much time venting about her here on the forum! 😁

By the way, this thread was started SEVEN MONTHS ago and people are still arguing about the exact same things!
What I really want to know is how many exams Megan White4 has passed since he first started this whole thing...

Megan White4 said:It's fine... ☕

Regardless, it looks like I’ll need at least another year, maybe even longer. It's frustrating dealing with people who don't seem to grasp that you don't just finish college overnight. Exams aren't scheduled whenever you feel like taking them; you have to work around the university's actual exam periods.
-☕

Look, since some of us have already GRADUATED and gone through various specializations or extra training, we know firsthand that college doesn't just end in one night; likewise, we also know that at 28 years old, your "night" has stretched out quite a long time....

In any case, I’m giving you some genuine, well-meaning advice (even if you don't see it that way right now): try to put yourself in your mom's shoes. Try looking at this exact situation from her perspective. You'll see that, regardless of whether she's dealing with menopause or just being difficult, there are always two sides to every story, and both sides have valid points. Besides, since you aren't going through menopause, aren't older, and aren't a widower like her, you should be able to look at the situation much more realistically and change the things that keep causing these arguments.
Maybe try living by the phrase "actions, not words"—I think that would land a lot differently with her than just the usual complaining. 🙂

Megan White4 said:I think I’m going to start ignoring her. My patience has officially run dry, and frankly, she acts like the entire world revolves around her—as if she’s somehow inherited all the wisdom in the universe.

A few days ago, I reached my breaking point. Between the constant nitpicking and the sheer hysteria over driving just a few extra blocks, I seriously considered either abandoning her on the side of the road or just selling the car entirely. The situation was simple: I missed a parking spot, so I had to drive a few hundred yards to find a roundabout to turn around—since pulling a U-turn on a two-way street isn't an option. Suddenly, she’s spiraling. "Where are you going? Are you insane? We’re going to be late!" we ended up having to wait anyway, which made the whole outburst even more pointless. Then, on another occasion, I suggested she hurry up with her shopping so the car wouldn't bake in the sun. Naturally, she took offense, accusing me of "rushing her." It took her thirty minutes just to pick out a few cans of cat food, only for her to spend the entire drive complaining about how hot it was in the car. 🙄

It was the same story at my house. Only, my late father actually knew how to settle things with her, whereas I was just dismissed as an immature kid who didn't know anything—constantly told, "What could you possibly have to say to me?" and things of that nature.

Since it’s just the two of us at home right now, she’s focused entirely on me. Apparently, her new full-time job is hunting for things to nitpick, acting as if she’s somehow responsible for my every move. Things that were perfectly fine yesterday are suddenly major issues today—usually some trivial nonsense, like leaving the toothpaste cap off. But when something actually matters? She either loses her patience or comes up with some transparent excuse to avoid it.

You have no idea how much I’m looking forward to moving out of her place. All that stands between me and my own space is finishing my exams and finally getting that degree. I’m estimating it'll take about a year—maybe a little longer—to wrap everything up.

And if the right one never comes, or if none of them fit, so be it. I'd much rather spend the rest of my life alone than settle for some perpetually dissatisfied, "know-it-all" nag just for the sake of having someone around.

Look, if you're living under her roof and relying on her money, ignoring her isn't exactly the classy move here. Why not try actually talking to her for once? Figure out what's really bothering her and think about what YOU COULD DO differently. You're always focused on how she needs to change, but have you looked in the mirror lately?
Seriously, if it bugs her that you constantly leave the toothpaste cap off—is it really that big of a deal to just close it?! Or are you waiting for her to do it for you?
I can't remember if you mentioned whether she's working. Is she retired or still at the office?
........
Oh, my bad, I see you mentioned earlier that she does work.
But think about it: if she’s working an 8-hour shift and commuting, say, 45 minutes each way, that’s already 9.5 hours gone. Add in grocery shopping, cooking, dishes, and tidying up, and you've added another 2.5 hours... that brings her to 12 hours of responsibilities. Meanwhile, you're either spending your day at the university, studying, or hanging out with friends... SO WHEN ON EARTH ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO HAVE THE ENERGY TO DEAL WITH ALL THIS NONSENSE?!?!
Technically, you two barely even have to cross paths!
And why on earth do you think finishing a few exams and a thesis will take you more than ONE YEAR?!?!

Megan White4 said:As if you're some kind of expert on things you clearly don't know damn anything about! 😁 :asshole:

Ah, there it is... the classic move. A little bit of name-calling mixed with some low blows. Is that your substitute for having an actual argument?
It’s pretty funny how you haven't actually answered a single direct question—not just mine, but any of them in this whole thread!

By the way, I am NOT an expert. I never claimed to be one through endless schooling, nor have I ever lived off someone else's dime! And honestly, I wouldn't trade my life for that, believe me. 🤷

Megan White4 said:So, you think this isn't a legitimate issue? Constantly picking at a healthy psyche over trivialities out of pure boredom doesn't count as abuse?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Helicopter_parent

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Obsessive-compulsive_disorder

Do a little reading first. Once you actually have something insightful to contribute, feel free to chime back in.

You really think that first link is talking about twenty-eight-year-olds? Seriously, that kind of logic might fly in some parts of Scandinavia, but it doesn't hold much water here.

What’s the point of bringing up OCD? Look, if she actually has a clinical diagnosis—which I’m honestly skeptical about—that’s her own business. But let's look at the facts: she holds down a job, she has a social circle, and she was even married. By any standard, she's perfectly functional in society. Can you say the exact same thing about yourself? And honestly, I find it hard to believe her parents were still footing her bills when she was twenty-eight!

So, what's your big, brilliant takeaway then?

Honestly, my favorite thing is when adults blame their parents for every single one of their own screw-ups. It always follows the same pattern: either they weren't coddled enough, or they were coddled way too much. They’ll claim their mom didn't breastfeed them long enough (or did it for too long), or that someone gave them a little smack on the backside when they were two, or that their parents were either too strict or far too lax. Then it's about being micromanaged, or having zero guidance, or not being loved enough—or conversely, being smothered by "too much" love. They'll complain about being pushed toward a certain college major, or not being encouraged to go to school at all, or being forced into piano lessons instead of something else, or... just, man, give me a break. There are people out there dealing with ACTUAL trauma—people who lived through literal HELL because of parental abuse, alcoholism, drug addiction, or pure neglect. Those are real problems. But this stuff? It’s just...

Megan White4 said:It’s easy to talk big when you aren't the one doing the heavy lifting. Yeah, real easy. :asshole:

You think I haven't tried looking for work? Of course I have. It's just that every single time I bring it up, my mother starts spiraling—it's always some variation of, "Decide if you want to be a student or an employee, because if you start working, say goodbye to your degree." Not to mention she won't stop nagging me until I'm completely exhausted. And yes, I am trying to finish this damn degree; it isn't something that just happens overnight. Also, in case I didn't make it clear earlier, I actually started college back in 2003.

Why didn't you just show her that balancing a job and school is totally doable? You wouldn't be the only one out there pulling those kinds of hours. Besides, since when does anyone have the right to tell a grown adult they can't hold down a job? 🤷

shadowtrucker18 said:It’s true, though I think you might be approaching this with a bit of a bias. There really are only two ways this plays out. We don't know which one it is yet, but I guess we shouldn't jump to conclusions... maybe he really is just a leech, or perhaps she truly is the problem. In any case, it doesn't much matter because there is only one real solution for him—he could just move out. So, I suppose we shouldn't waste too much time debating the rest.

I am NOT approaching this with bias. If anything, I think I was one of the first people here to point out that there are two sides to this story, even though we're only being fed one version of it. By the way, if his mother were truly that horrible, he wouldn't have spent all those years playing student instead of working some 9-to-5 somewhere. It seems a bit naive to assume he's always right while ignoring the facts—like how he's bounced between three different colleges without finishing a single degree, all while earning zero income.
I've also mentioned several times that a person needs to get a job and become independent. At 28 years old, that feels pretty standard and expected to me. Regardless, I think a 28-year-old who has been "studying" for ten years without making a dime is cutting it pretty close to being a parasite.
Once he finally stands on his own two feet, his mom can be a nightmare for the rest of eternity—but then, it won't be his problem anymore.
And honestly? If things were truly that unbearable, he would have moved out a long time ago.

Yeah, dječarac. Honestly, men just operate on a different wavelength.

shadowtrucker18 said:Honestly, I feel like you all might be from another planet. Some people just can't seem to handle others being left alone, particularly certain types of mothers. It’s as if they’ve never even heard of such people before.

That's a fair point, but who's to say this woman actually fits that description? All we have is one side of the story coming from a twenty-six-year-old dječarac 🤣

For all we know, what would that mother say about her own son?! 🤷

hollowbadger24 said:Just keep your distance, man... seriously, just stay away...
I dealt with the exact same kind of drama myself... though it was with both my parents
Fighting about it honestly just makes everything ten times worse...
My advice? Get out of there as soon as you can. Once you're gone, just let the bad stuff go—be that "good son" who gives her a quick call once a week and maybe drops by for an hour or two every other week...
And just like that, problem solved...
Eventually, it’ll sink in for her that she's all alone, and she’ll probably start wondering why things turned out this way...
Maybe find a girlfriend too, so you have somewhere else to hang out and spend your time?
Oh, and grab a side hustle—maybe some campus job or something—because as long as you're financially tied to her, she's got all the leverage...

Personally, I get the feeling this poor woman is just counting down the days until she's finally alone, but her son just won't grow up and move out... then again, isn't it perfectly normal for kids to grow up and leave the nest? Or am I missing something?!

Megan White4 said:Your assumptions are completely off base. ☕

1. The house sits empty all year long. She decided to rent it out right when I had my vacation planned—right after I spent a month telling her exactly which dates I'd be heading to the coast...
2. The car was left to me by my late father; my mother is actually a better driver than Schumacher, even though the last time she was behind the wheel was about 35 years ago.

Forget about my assumptions and just grow up and get your own place already! If '1980' in your username is actually your birth year, you're 44 years old now. Hello!?
Look, she’s reached her breaking point—can't you see that? That’s why she’s snapping at you. What else does she have left to do? Of course, there's also the chance she isn't actually "nagging" and it's just your own flawed perspective because you expect her to serve you endlessly while staying perfectly quiet.
You’re acting like a spoiled kid hitting puberty rather than a grown man (which, honestly, you should have been by now).
Get a job, become independent, move out (which she’s probably counting down the days for), and just give her some breathing room.
And why on earth would you wait until autumn to start looking for work?! 😕

Megan White4 said:😠 And there she goes again, messing things up... I’ve been telling her for a month now that I wanted to head down to the coast on July 20th for a week at a rental house. I finally get home looking forward to it, only for her to drop this: "Oh, I rented out the beach house to a friend for that exact week." Then, she has the nerve to suggest, "Well, if you really want to go, you can just stay an extra week." When, exactly? At the end of August when everyone else has cleared out? 😠

I feel like I’m actually going to lose my mind...

I mean, maybe she just thought it would be a good way to make a little extra cash since you aren't bringing in much right now...
maybe she's just fed up with playing "mom" to someone who's basically been a dependent for three different banks...
and as for driving her grandma to the hospital every day (assuming she's using the car she bought herself), that’s easy enough to fix—just give her the keys and let her figure out her own transportation...

rowdyhawk27 said:Honestly, David Palmer5, you’re probably right on the money here.
But I can't help but think things might be smoother if his wife just got her act together. I'm just not sure if he's actually considering leaving, or if he simply doesn't have anywhere else to go.

I don't know. But rowdyhawk27, seeing you get pushed around like some teenager is tough to watch. You need to stand your ground and try to help her out if you're able.

The real question is whether she’s actually giving him a hard time, or if he's just perceiving it that way... who knows what she'd say if she were on this forum! She'd probably be complaining about having a 27-year-old "couch potato" who's been in college forever, switched majors three times already, won't move out, stays dependent on her, and constantly argues with her.

😁 😁 😁

If you actually want to leave, you don't ask permission or worry about whether you have somewhere to go!

rowdyhawk27 said:Does she have a friend or maybe a sister who could gently point out that she’s dealing with some minor issues and stuff like that?

Besides, you aren't exactly a child anymore. She really needs to realize that on her own.

I know plenty of people in similar situations—exes, old friends, whoever.
Everyone I know has dealt with that kind of nonsense. All they ever managed to do was endure it for a while before eventually moving away.

I realize there isn't a quick fix here... but I hope you find some way through it.

Bringing in a girlfriend or a sister is a double-edged sword. Maybe if another woman explains to her that she's acting totally irrational—considering she's a 27-year-old man—that HER behavior is actually the biggest issue here.

Age-wise, he isn't a child, but behaviorally? What can you even say about someone who is somehow on his third (!) college degree, still living off his mom, and then venting on forums about how hard life is instead of using that time to earn enough for gas... and honestly, I wonder whose car it even is that his mother is paying to fuel.😲

P.S. Or maybe HE has some girlfriends who could explain to him that HE has some "minor issues," so perhaps HE could finally realize he's an adult and stop leaning so heavily on his mother.

James Gonzalez49 said:I know the feeling too... 😬
As for my mom... she’s probably dealing with all that crap. She's going through menopause and struggling with being alone. Isn't that just a lethal combo?
Someone suggested she needs some IT training and then get sent to a forum. Honestly? I'm on board. 😁
She needs to find a hobby or something to distract her. Just to chill out, you know?
Think it worked for her... maybe? 🤷

Right, because having a mom join the forum will definitely help us all understand "her side" of the story better. 🙂
The truth is, she isn't exactly having a blast with her life right now! She's footing the bill for an adult son who treats her like garbage. If she’s going to be that much of a pushover, she needs to establish some boundaries—starting with the bank account.
By the way, did they practically force you to enroll in TWO different colleges?! How does that even happen? Like they were holding you at gunpoint? Come on...

Kevin Brooks11 said:You know that game where you just keep tapping someone's finger with yours, then they tap back, and it goes on until someone finally gives up? What kind of damage can that actually cause, besides just a swollen finger, if you keep playing this game

you could always find even more ridiculous ways to be silly... 😁

Angela Wright said:Oh, you're clearly a genius and I'm just a complete idiot.🙄
Go ahead, read the whole thread from the beginning and realize that even a genius can look like a total moron if they start pulling things out of context—not to mention how easy it is to make an idiot out of someone who is literally trying everything in their power to save his wife's life.☕

Look, of course you’d go to the ends of the earth for someone you love or a family member. You’ll do absolutely anything to help them out, even if what they're asking makes zero sense at the time. I wasn't even going to comment on that part—mostly because I would never dream of making you feel like an idiot for being a good person. And by the way, those were YOUR words, not mine.
I was just commenting on YOUR foot soak. Is that okay?