Posts by northerncobra27

Joshua Ortiz2 said:So, do gifted kids actually get their own custom curriculum at school just tailored specifically for them?

Unfortunately, they don't actually have a custom-built academic track designed solely for them, because for that to work, you would need entirely separate classrooms, which just isn't feasible within our current American public school system.

The schools that offer programs for gifted kids usually handle it through extracurricular activities, after-school clubs, and similar enrichment opportunities. On top of that, these institutions often employ staff who are specifically trained to work with high-ability children, so you find these incredibly passionate teachers who go above and beyond the standard requirements during regular class hours to give those students a bit more of a push.

My own child attends one of these schools, and while there is a massive rush of parents trying to get in every year, it’s a consistent trend, so waiting around wouldn't really change the outcome. Any "overflow" of students simply enrolls in the local neighborhood school, which, if you ask me, is a much more sensible way to manage things.

hollowcrane94 said:I’m jumping in here because I’m dealing with the exact same thing. Building up actual self-confidence isn't some quick fix; it’s a long, grueling process of constant practice, and honestly, trying to rewire your own personality is a massive undertaking.
The worst part of this whole mess is that people can smell weakness from a mile away and they will absolutely exploit it. I see it most at my job, where it basically kills any chance of moving up the ladder right from the jump.
Like I saw someone mention in another thread, you rarely find any real empathy among coworkers—in fact, it usually works the opposite way. These "colleagues" are quick to twist things in their favor, no matter how talented, smart, or eager to learn you actually are. It’s just tough to survive in a corporate culture full of sharks.

At the end of the day, colleagues are just colleagues. They aren't your inner circle, and they certainly aren't the people you turn to when you need emotional support. We should look to our true friends for understanding regarding our vulnerabilities, rather than expecting it from the people we sit next to at the office.

Kyle Vaughn8 said:I’m not exactly sweating being fired—mostly because I doubt I'd even get the chance to be let go, you know?
Maybe I was just too scared of it—which, honestly, is probably why I ended up getting it anyway?
Hopefully I'll be doing way better at my next job—fingers crossed, right?

Quincy Jones:

Man, it’s a rough situation when you try to be upfront about your mistakes or shortcomings with coworkers—some people might be cool with it at first, but the second you turn your back? They’ll use it against you. You really have to wrap your head around the fact that your job isn't some family business where everyone has your back... you can't just be the "nice guy" all the time. You've gotta learn how to look out for yourself.

There’s definitely some truth to that—honestly, isn't there? 👍
Maybe even if you grew up in a totally solid, middle-class home—you still end up believing that’s just how the world actually works? Right?
And that’s where things get messy—really messy.
Quincy Jones:

Work only as much as it's actually worth it—you gotta know when to say no so you don't end up being anyone's sucker? Honestly, just say "stop" before you become some joke—isn't it better to just command a little respect from the start?

The thing is—when they asked if I could put in some overtime—I just shut it down right then and there. Why even bother asking?
Even though I actually agreed to it the first time—for once?
I was just sitting here thinking—maybe I should’ve just grabbed that job the second it came up and said yes? Is it even worth waiting this long...?
But then they’d just be riding my back like a bunch of stubborn mules again—you know how it goes? 😵
At my last job—well, the one before that—everyone kept dumping these little tasks on me... you know, stuff where I actually learned something useful at first? But after a while, it was just busywork with zero payoff. Why even bother?
I'm just over it—honestly, I've had enough of this.
Quincy Jones:

Being a doormat isn't about being incompetent—honestly, plenty of losers just get really good at wearing masks to hide how useless they actually are. You know the type—they dodge responsibility, suck up to the boss, or just steamroll everyone else to look better than they are. But you? You become a victim the second you let people walk all over you. It’s a brutal spot to be in when you're giving everything you've got only to have people treat you like you don't even matter... just pure psychology, really.

Yeah, that's exactly how it feels—I'm stuck in this nightmare spot where everything is hitting the fan at once, yet nobody seems to care when it happens to anyone else...
Like, people are judging me for not being "involved enough" in training, even though there are tons of others who've done way less—but they haven't been fired, so they don't get questioned.
Honestly? I feel like the scapegoat for everyone else's lack of effort.
And then there's this new manager at the training center—she’s just power-tripping and looking for any excuse to act tough.
She was practically jumping at the chance to call me incompetent just so she could watch me quit.

Exactly.
I'm going to fix my attitude, but I honestly don't know if I'll have enough time to prove myself to them before things go south...
But hey, lesson learned for life.
It is what it is.
It just sucks because the course directors—people I actually respected—all turned on me during that meeting, from what I heard.
Turns out, nobody had anything good to say about me.
How am I supposed to keep acting like everything's fine with them now?
I know if I'm rude, I'll just be hurting myself in the end.

But man, the disappointment is real... and I'm just not built to kiss up to people I think are total snakes.

Now that I'm feeling this disillusioned with everyone, I have no clue how to handle myself.

Just maintain your professionalism. If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't waste energy on office gossip or trying to win favors through flattery. Just focus on doing your job at the highest level possible, lean into your strengths, and try your best not to let any insecurity show through. Of course, you shouldn't do that to the point where you make a major blunder that could hurt the company. As for the people, just keep them at a professional distance. Don't let your personal feelings about them compromise your work ethic. Stop dwelling on what happened in the past. Keep your chin up and keep looking ahead.

First off, don't panic. Just start repeating that old mantra—what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. You’re just starting out in your career, and sure, you made a blunder that blew up in your face, but that isn't a reason to dig your own grave; instead, try to flip the script and use it to your advantage. Learn the lesson and make sure you don't trip over the same stone twice.

The absolute first thing you need to cultivate is self-confidence. It’s the honest truth that we all deal with bouts of insecurity from time to time, but if that doubt starts to outweigh your confidence, then you’ve got a real problem on your hands. Not only will certain "coworkers" take advantage of that weakness to use against you, but you simply won't be able to function as an equal member of the team—people can't really lean on you if you aren't even leaning on yourself.

Getting yourself out of this hole is going to take some time. You have to work on shifting both your outward behavior and your internal mindset, and then you have to wait for the rest of the office to notice that shift and accept it. That said, you don't need to step on anyone else to get ahead, play dirty, or act unprofessionally. If you are truly capable of doing high-quality work, you won't need any of those tactics. I completely agree with everything Donna White50 wrote. I’ve had to walk a very similar path myself.

Brenda Doyle5 said:She claims everyone brings homework home and that nobody’s complained until now.
I don't even know how to respond to that...
It’s possible her kid is just lying, but if that were the case, you’d expect the teacher to step in and say, "Look, all the other kids are working, why is yours slacking?" or something like that. I have no clue.
But if things were actually running normally, there wouldn't be a need to point out, "You're writing now while the others are playing." If everyone was busy with homework, she'd just focus more on what the little one is actually doing.
I haven't dealt much with this age group, but I honestly don't think first graders are capable of lying like that quite yet... or are they?

I wasn't trying to imply that the little one is lying, but I just find it hard to wrap my head around parents who don't push back against a situation like this. Every seven-year-old is absolutely exhausted after spending 8 or 9 hours in school, and it just doesn't seem right to force them into more studying once they get home. If you look at it that way, how long is their actual workday? It's like they're pulling 10 or 11-hour shifts.

Brenda Doyle5 said:Here’s an update on my colleague 🙄
People were talking about this last week, but I didn't think to bring it up again until I saw the thread yesterday.
So, in the meantime, my colleague went to the school. She complained about how things are being run and how her kid still has to do work at home. She argued that the child is exhausted and the whole system just isn't working.
Anyway, two days later, the kid comes home crying because she was furious with her mom for pushing her. Turns out, the teacher called the girl out in front of the entire class. Apparently, the teacher told her that since her mom came into the school and said she couldn't do work at home due to being tired, she'd be staying behind to finish her homework and reading while everyone else got to go play.

Now my colleague is stuck wondering what to do. She tried to intervene once before and it completely backfired on the kid. Now she's worried the teacher might target the girl if she makes too much of a scene...

Don't the other kids also play during after-school programs and end up bringing homework home, and their parents don't seem to have an issue with it? Our teacher only managed to pull that stunt exactly twice. After the second time, a pretty large group of unhappy parents showed up at the school entrance, and she hasn't thought of doing it again since. Of course, we tolerate a child occasionally bringing home something they didn't quite finish or didn't feel like doing, but it really shouldn't become a standard practice just to cater to a teacher's personal convenience.

Now, how to actually fix this is a whole different story. Regardless of where or when homework ends up being assigned in the future, I honestly don't think my child could make it through the next grade in a classroom run by someone who is willing to lash out at children like that.

Dana Martin87 said:I honestly believe school readiness should be left entirely to the experts, not parents. Some folks will think their kid is way ahead of where they actually are, while others get overly protective and end up keeping them home until they're eight for no real reason.

I have no clue what the curriculum looks like these days. I remember my elementary years being ridiculously easy. My parents never had to help me with homework because there was just nothing to do. I barely learned anything. I cruised through with straight A's, except for a B in PE. I started school at six and a half, and back then, I couldn't even read or write yet.

My brother started at six and five months, and school was such a breeze for him he barely even realized he was attending class.

And we were going to a school that was famous for being the toughest one in our town.

I don't know why things have changed so much... Even the kids who ended up needing summer school in later grades didn't find first grade that overwhelming. Sure, they weren't all honor roll students, but they still finished those early years with solid B's or C's.

I don't see school as some big scary monster. My daughter was born in February. Assuming everything goes smoothly, she’ll start when she's six and seven months. Anything else would just be unnecessarily late for her, provided she's healthy.

I am in complete agreement with the idea that parents often lack the specific expertise required to judge if their child is truly prepared for the classroom environment.

Regarding that bolded part, it seems to me that what has actually shifted are parental expectations. The standard curriculum is designed for the average student. However, it used to be perfectly normal for many kids to come home with B's or C's, whereas nowadays, it feels like every parent expects nothing less than perfection. There used to be only a handful of honor roll students in a class, which makes sense within our grading system, since honor roll kids aren't exactly "average"—they are either sharper or more hardworking than the norm. But because people today struggle to accept the reality that their precious child might just be an average kid, they create these myths about how "difficult" the curriculum is or how much extra tutoring is needed after school hours. An average child can master the elementary school curriculum without any major struggles. And someone who goes above that average? Well, that's an honor student.

Part of the whole point of after-school programs is actually getting that homework out of the way. I had two kids in my program😁, and they would just knock out their assignments right there while they were at school; their backpacks would basically live in the classroom all week long. If there were any topics or tricky problems we hadn't quite tackled during the school week, we’d sit down over the weekend and sort through everything in their school bags together. Every now and then, the teacher might shove a book into a kid's hand as they were heading out the door because they needed to memorize a poem by tomorrow or finish up a quick task, and honestly, nobody ever made an issue out of it. Both of my kids came out of that program perfectly fine—they were top students, just like many others, and I don't see any negative impact on them whatsoever.

The lady supervising😁 the children in the program is actually an elementary school teacher, so she’s arguably more qualified than most parents when it comes to helping with schoolwork. Besides, it feels a bit harsh to expect such young kids to spend another hour at home studying or doing homework after they've already been stuck in a classroom for eight or nine hours straight.

urbanorca8 said:^

It honestly breaks my heart to hear about kids failing middle school—you know, the ones getting straight Cs or worse because they just won't study. But let's be real: it’s usually kids from less educated families who are stuck—they aren't to blame when their parents can't help them navigate the coursework. The high achievers are almost always the ones with a parent or an older sibling at home who can actually walk them through a chemistry problem or hand down a reading list from years ago—which I think is great, though it definitely leaves some kids out in the cold without that support system.

Are you seriously suggesting that kids somewhere in America are failing Elementary School because they lack academic support at home? That being an Honor Roll student is exclusively reserved for children of highly educated parents simply because those parents sit with them to study or older siblings write their essays for them? It sounds like someone has been feeding you a bit of a fairy tale.

An average kid with decent intelligence and some basic work ethic should be able to breeze through Elementary School without any major issues, even if they have to tackle their reading assignments entirely on their own. Sure, not everyone is going to be at the top of the class, but I don't see the harm in that. Besides, I get the sense that if a child is putting in the effort and behaving themselves, even if they struggle with a specific subject, most teachers will usually give them a passing grade just to ensure they don't end up repeating the year.

shadowhawk18 said:Exactly. It just means people aren't coming to this forum for actual debate. They’re either dying of boredom or they just have this desperate need to hear themselves talk.

You constantly miss the point of what I’m saying. If this were just normal disagreement, I wouldn't even bother bringing up the whole reading thing. But it goes way beyond reasonable limits most of the time, and the moderators—bless their hearts, if they haven't missed that too—hardly ever step in. They just don't do their jobs. Period.
shadowhawk18:

I'm with you on that. You wrote a massive post there—honestly, might have said way more than you actually intended to.

Go ahead. Throw something my way if you want me to read between the lines.

So, I’m hanging around four different threads right now. Just keeping tabs. 🤷 I mess around a bit in all the subforums that aren't the main ones—you know, the less serious threads. Just killing time.

The fact that you think the stuff on those subreddits is "unserious" just proves how out of touch you actually are. Relationships, family, loneliness, sex... you really think those aren't serious topics? They’re the core of life for basically everyone else. The real issue is that people like you don't hang out there. You're too bored and clearly have nothing intelligent to contribute to the conversation.

What’s the point of making it public anyway? Just because it isn't a DM? I guess some people just aren't feeling the private message vibe.

You wanna answer me since you're such a chatterbox and a blowhard? Look, I already said it’s just like Facebook. There’s a private messaging option right there, but people just "accidentally" blast their business publicly so everyone else can see it. Like they're too good to just send a DM or something. Your argument is about as convincing as an Israeli excuse for attacking Gaza.

That guy rarely goes beyond a quick back-and-forth or a few messages. The real headache starts when a bunch of other crap piles up at once and people start dragging the thread into the gutter. If that happens, though, it’s on the moderators to fix it.

Mods are supposed to handle that stuff, theoretically. In reality? They barely lift a finger.
shadowhawk18:

Look, what you're saying could happen, sure. But I think you're being a bit too broad with those generalizations. There are probably way more reasons for cheating than just that one thing. Besides, don't half the people on these forums cheat anyway?

Forum dwellers are reading along. Chronic boredom doesn't care about gender.
shadowhawk18:

Could just be a way to prove to yourself that you're actually smarter than everyone else.

Trying to prove I’m smarter than the four idiots and rambling windbags participating in this total breakdown of human communication is like taking a penalty kick against an empty net. Honestly, it’s barely even a challenge.

How is it "not important" when you’re drawing a totally invalid conclusion?

I don't think the "lurker" thing is actually a valid excuse. Honestly, I think half these people just post because they have absolutely nothing else to say. They don't actually understand anything, they don't read anything, and they couldn't care less about any specific topic. For instance, I rarely see anyone hanging around the science, philosophy, literature, or politics subforums. To me, that says everything you need to know.

Those subforums are just "lighter," mostly people messing around and joking. Look, you even listed a few more reasons why people chat. Not everyone does it for the same reason in every situation.

They aren't "easy" topics at all. Actually, that's exactly where the catch is: these are subjects that are sensitive for 99% of people. And because you have no other way to participate in them—since they cause you too much discomfort—you try to turn them into something "light" and trivial using a collective defense mechanism. Chatting becomes this supposed meta-language meant to reflect relaxation or superiority. It's just collective repression. Nothing new. It's like a dark joke, except jokes are a brilliant narrative form you guys will never get close to.

Do you enjoy those situations—if you've ever dealt with them—where you're trying to say something important, something that actually matters to you right then, and two or three idiots keep cutting you off, throwing out infantile jokes, changing the subject, and making faces like five-year-olds? Yeah. That’s basically how these chatters and blowhards act during certain discussions.

You ask why people do it, give potential answers, try to build a psychological profile of people who hijack threads... but I don't see why you're annoyed, and I'm genuinely curious about the reason. It's not like we're on some ultra-serious professional forum where topics of immense importance are handled in order, right?

Ultra-serious? I don't know what that category even means. If you're rambling and chatting, and I know you have that itch, I'll ask the same question for the tenth time and still not expect an answer: why don't you just go to one of those threads specifically designed for that linguistic and mental venting? Go there, let it all out, clear your head, and then come back to the thread and discuss what the title is actually about. Or maybe that's too much to ask when you're hit by chronic boredom or a desperate need for attention?

Like I said, I'm not crazy about chatting, but to me, those chat threads have always felt like condoms—they kill the spontaneity.🤣

You chatters think you're being funny, interesting, spontaneous, or whatever, but you need to realize that to most people, you just seem boring. Your chats and emojis grate on the nerves of any average person because you're acting like obnoxious toddlers in a preschool.

What's even the point of a chat room? It’s not like everyone out there is a total loner or dead serious all the time. Isn't real life the same way? Someone tosses something out there, someone else rolls with it, and the whole thing just drifts off in a new direction...

I don't know how you handle people in the real world. Personally, I can't stand chatting—online or in person. It’s usually just mindless babble meant to fill up what people call "awkward silence."

Maybe that's the real game here. All this chatter, the emojis, the constant nonsense... maybe you're all just trying to drown out the awkward silence inside yourselves.

To be perfectly honest, I haven't associated myself with people like that since I was in kindergarten. If I happen to cross paths with someone acting that way, I just give them the cold shoulder and move on without a second thought. Besides, when it comes to anything meaningful, I tend to stick to a very tight-knit circle of friends, and they certainly don't behave like that.

Are you being dead serious? I don't really grasp those categories you're using. If you find yourself rambling or chatting because you feel an itch to do so, and I end up asking the same question ten times only to get no answer, why not just head over to one of those specific threads designed for linguistic venting and mental noodling? You could go there, let it all out, clear the slate, and then come back to the actual topic at hand. Or perhaps that’s asking too much when you're gripped by chronic boredom or a desperate need for attention?

You chatters think you're coming across as hilarious, engaging, or spontaneous, but you have to realize that to most people, you just seem tedious; your constant chatter and emojis grate on the nerves of any average person because you act like unruly children on a playground.

I don't know how you interact with people in the real world, but I personally have a deep disdain for chatting—whether it's online or in person—that mindless babble that usually exists just to fill what people call "awkward silence."

Maybe that's actually the point of the game. Through that rambling, the chatting, the emojis, and the posturing, you're actually trying to break some sort of internal awkward silence within yourselves.

Forgive me, but regarding that bolded part, I can only respond with 🤣🤣, mainly because a picture is worth a thousand words. And we can pick this discussion back up whenever you can find a thread on this forum where I've actually hijacked the conversation.

What originally drew me to this topic was the idea of wondering what could possibly be so terrible about a chat room that it makes a person feel this bitter. I don't spend a huge amount of time on those two specific forums you mentioned, though I have scrolled through a few threads there, so maybe that's why I don't see the issue. On most of the boards I follow, there isn't much excessive chatting, and the moderators are usually pretty quick to step in when things get out of hand. On Reddit, for instance, I often run into casual chatter, but I suppose that's just expected there, and it doesn't really bother me. If it's entertaining, I'll read it; if I'm bored, I'll skip past it and keep driving without giving it much thought.

Besides, I don't view a forum as some life-or-death serious institution; I actually use it for the exact thing that seems to annoy you—just for fun. I certainly wouldn't come here to work through my actual, heavy-duty life problems. For those things, I rely on my real-life friends.

And finally, the emojis. You see, aside from those two used in the provocation at the start of the post, I am perfectly capable of refraining from using them. However, even when I do use them, it isn't my intention to irritate anyone; it's simply because written words can feel quite dry on their own. Emojis add a layer of emotion to text that can be difficult to convey through words alone. That's how I perceive them when I'm reading other people's posts, too.

shadowhawk18 said:This just goes to show the intellectual level of people hanging out in these chat rooms. I already wrote a post where I laid out—pretty clearly, if you ask me—exactly why I can't stand it when someone starts a new thread just to ask a question that’s already been answered. If you actually know how to read, the answer is right there above. Plus, one of the ladies on here spelled it out for you even better:

If you’re looking to vent, there are plenty of threads dedicated just to that. Go ahead, tear it up until tomorrow. But let's be real—nobody there even notices you. That's the thing. It only matters if someone actually sees you talking to someone else. Made me realize there’s definitely some psychological baggage behind this whole habit.
I've noticed these guys who aren't even active sexually—total losers, honestly. They actually believe they can just charm some woman on a forum through a chat box and somehow turn that into actual sex. It’s pathetic.

It doesn't always have to be this heavy. What’s with the constant need to argue? Seriously, what's the psychological angle there?

Look, life doesn't always have to be a joke, but sometimes it really needs to be. I already asked this—why are people starting all these random threads when we actually have specific sections meant for certain topics?
The psychological root of wanting to debate? It's simple. You want to dig deeper. You want to see how other people’s brains work and test your own takes against theirs on stuff that actually matters—whether it's your own life or someone else's. But look, if your intellectual peak is just scrolling through Facebook all day, you aren't going to get it. Honestly, you probably don't even realize the need exists.

I think you’re just being biased. Since when does someone's level of education have anything to do with how much they clog up the road? It doesn't.

Look, I can't say for sure. It’s just my take. Not that it even matters.

Maybe you just want to look smarter than you actually are, so you start this thread looking for some validation to prove it. 🤷

Look, if there’s a thread about car exhausts, let’s talk about exhausts. If it’s about landscaping, stick to landscaping. If it’s about picking up girls, then pick up girls. Most of you don't get that. You either have nothing worth saying so you just ramble and spam, or you're just bored and desperate for attention. And the moderators? They basically let it happen. Let's be real—the mods aren't exactly geniuses themselves. Honestly, half the time they're right there in the trenches spamming along with everyone else. I'm talking specifically about the "Lonely Heart" and "Love, Erotica, Sex" subforums. On the other boards, spam isn't even tolerated.

Fine, then answer a simple question for me: why do people spam 90% of the threads when there are specific topics created exactly so they can dump their "jokes" and "casual banter" there?

Funny how nobody has answered that yet.

Ten days ago you were complaining to me about being too wordy, and now you're writing this massive post.

Wrong. I was calling you out for opening weird, pointless threads.

It seems like you're just incredibly bored right now or something, so here we are.

Everyone is trying so hard to discredit me and play down my points, even though you all know I'm telling the truth about why the spam happens.
Personally, I'm never bored, which is more than I can say for 80% of the people on this forum.

And honestly, I think most spam is pretty positive since it leads to great ideas.

It's almost ridiculous to even address this nonsense, but fine: give me one single example of that...

To me, it's an opportunity for expression that can lead to making new connections that actually matter later in life.

There are dedicated threads for that. Go ahead, chatter away, babble, ramble, and meet people until the day you die.

Yeah, but what I still can't wrap my head around is how the mods let that slide while handing out warnings for the tiniest little insult or some other nonsense. That's exactly what kills the quality of these subforums.

Go ahead and question my own intellect if you must, though I’m certainly not some massive social butterfly who lives for the chat; even so, I honestly don't grasp why it gets under your skin so much. You ask why people behave this way, offer potential theories, and try to build a psychological profile of the folks who turn serious threads into watercooler talk... but I truly don't see the reason for the irritation, and I'm genuinely curious about the logic behind it. It isn't like we're operating on some high-stakes professional forum where every single thread is a matter of life and death or deep academic importance, right?

If you just want to chat, there are several threads designed specifically for that purpose—you could go hang out there until tomorrow. But then again, nobody would notice you there, would they? The whole point is to have others see you engaging with someone else. That's why I've concluded there's a certain psychological motivation at play.
I've noticed that certain individuals, perhaps those struggling with loneliness or lack of intimacy, seem to believe that through these chatty interactions, they might eventually catch the eye of a woman on the forum, which they hope will eventually lead to something more physical. It's a bit pathetic, really.

Not everything has to be heavy and profound, but sometimes it needs to be. Like I said, why start off casual banter in threads meant for specific topics when we have dedicated spaces for just talking?
The psychological drive behind a real discussion is usually a desire to deepen one's understanding, to gain insight into how others think, or to weigh opinions on matters that are significant to our lives or the lives of others. But if your highest intellectual aspiration is just mindless small talk, it's hard to imagine you'd ever feel that need in the first place.

I can't know for sure; it's just my subjective take on things. But it doesn't really matter.

My preference is simple: if a thread is about Ford Mustangs, let's talk about Mustangs. If it's about landscaping, let's talk about gardens. If it's about dating advice, let's stick to dating. Many of you either don't want to do that or don't understand why, likely because you either don't have anything substantive to contribute and end up rambling, or you're just bored and looking for attention. And the moderators mostly let it slide. Let's be real—the mods aren't exactly a collection of Nobel laureates either; in fact, I've seen them join in on the chatter themselves on several occasions. To be clear, I am strictly referring to the "Lone Heart" and "Romance & Intimacy" sub-forums. On most other boards, chatting is barely tolerated at all.

So, just answer this one straightforward question for me: why do people insist on turning 90% of topical threads into chat sessions when there are specific areas opened up precisely so people can vent their "jokes" and "casual vibes"?

It's interesting that no one has actually answered that yet.

...

Like I mentioned, I'm not exactly obsessed with chatting, but to me, these chatty interruptions always feel a bit like condoms—they just kill the spontaneity🤣 and I find myself wondering since they first appeared how anyone can actually enjoy going to those specific threads.🤷. (Am I going to get called out now for using two emojis and mentioning condoms, or have I not crossed the line into being a "chatter" yet?) And besides, why do we even need designated chat threads? Not everyone is socially awkward or pathologically serious. Isn't that how real-world conversations work? Someone makes a comment, someone else picks it up, and the conversation drifts in a completely different direction...

Sam Murphy said:I think you're being a bit too extreme regarding the physical discipline part; I certainly wouldn't allow them to fight while I'm around, but tell me, how would you handle it if your kids started brawling right in front of you? I don't think we'll ever see eye to eye on this because I feel like kids today are given way too much leeway, which is exactly what most teachers in our local school district say when they come to us parents asking for help—they basically admit they're powerless and ask us for ways to calm the kids down or motivate them to study. As for that lady and her husband, if I ever treated my wife like that or consistently took the children's side over hers, she probably wouldn't be around to see me anymore, so you're right that she should have dealt with that situation a long time ago.

I honestly don't know how I’d tackle it, since I haven't really built up any experience or a tactical battle plan for a situation like that. For the time being, we just stick to the rule that physical force is off the table—we’ve managed to drill that concept into their heads somehow. Because there’s such a significant age gap between us, it’s one of those areas where we’ve had to maintain an incredibly firm stance, reacting strongly to every single attempt at breaking the rules, though always through verbal correction.

We are clearly never going to see eye to eye on this because I truly believe children are given far too much leeway, which seems to be what most teachers in the public school system say too; they constantly turn to us parents during PTA meetings asking for advice on how to calm them down or find ways to motivate them to study, basically because the teachers feel powerless.

I wasn't actually expecting us to agree; I was just genuinely curious about how different families approach things. I do agree, though, that there are plenty of kids out there who are allowed to do whatever they want and end up completely unruly, and while it’s easy for teachers to point fingers, the parents are often left standing there in total shock, wondering how their kids became that way and having no clue how to manage them. That said, even though I don't use corporal punishment as a primary tool, my kids aren't acting out like that. They are great students, they get their chores done—not always with a smile, mind you, but they do them—they rarely get into fights with peers (my oldest has only been in two scuffles in his life), and they behave well both at home and in class, according to the various teachers I've spoken to. Now, I know that sounds like some perfect suburban fairy tale, but of course we have our crises; we just deal with them as they come.

Regarding that lady and her husband, if I ever pulled a stunt like that with my wife—essentially taking the kids' side over hers—she probably wouldn't even be looking at me anymore, so you're right that she should have dealt with that a long time ago.

I'm not quite sure I follow that last part; I don't know where you got that impression, but I'll address it anyway. My husband and I generally settle any parenting disagreements behind closed doors. It is extremely rare for us to have a disagreement that we hash out right then and there in front of the children. I don't view that as picking sides or undermining our authority. Our kids understand that we are two separate individuals with different perspectives, and that sometimes we have to debate things privately before we can present a united front.

hiddenheron58 said:I agree about needing a firmer hand. My ex used to talk to me like I was some kind of idiot, and my son picked up on that perfectly. Now he treats both me and his sister the exact same way his father did. For instance, he'll tell me, "Go to the kitchen, that's where you belong," and I swear, I feel like killing him rather than just slapping him. Whenever there was tension, my husband would come to me and condescendingly ask in front of the kids, "Why are you putting so much pressure on him again?" I’d nearly lose my mind because he’d start every conversation assuming I was the problem instead of the boy. So I'd defend myself, and the kids would watch it happen—except my daughter doesn't throw it in my face like he does, while my son does it multiple times a day. I didn't get divorced because he wouldn't go out; that was just one thing in a long list. Here's a few examples: in twenty years of marriage, he never took me to dinner, never bought me a single thing, and never took the kids anywhere. Not to the beach, not to a game, not to the park, not to a friend's house, not on a field trip, not for a bike ride, not fishing... he never even played cards with our son. Man, don't get me started. We've never even been to a ski resort, even though we live ten minutes away from one, and we only went to the coast twice—and I cried for a year before my mom finally gave me the money for it. I was a fool for not leaving ten years ago, but I stayed for the kids, and well, look how that turned out...

Well, that same masculine dominance is exactly what landed you in this situation, because a child learns from the dynamics in the home that they can treat you like nothing more than a doormat. I completely agree that your son's behavior is a disaster, but you have to take your share of the responsibility here—he is simply mirroring the behavioral patterns he saw within his own family.

It's true that you probably should have walked away ten years ago and taken the kids with you, but dwelling on that won't change anything; there's no point in crying over spilled milk, so you just have to start moving forward from exactly where you are right now. You've already taken the most vital first step by stopping the drain on your time and energy caused by that jerk, so now you just need to pour all your strength into helping the three of you become a functional family unit again.

I'm certainly no psychologist, and I can't say for sure how much of a finished product a fourteen-year-old really is, but I find it hard to believe that things won't improve if you seek out some proper professional help. Sadly, time isn't exactly on your side here, so you really need to take action immediately.

Sam Murphy said:I see your point, but it doesn't necessarily mean you failed as a parent; sometimes it's just down to nature, as Tom Landry used to say, it's all in the genes...

But what I'm actually getting at isn't about genetics—it's more about the way we instill family values and other core principles. I try to teach my kids that it's just not okay to be disrespectful or lash out at people (and when I say "lash out," I'm talking about all sorts of bad behavior, not just swearing), especially when it comes to family members.

It's easy enough to keep kids in line through fear, at least for a little while. But once they break free from that control, that's usually when the real trouble starts.

I've never grown up in a household like that, so I'm genuinely curious—how does that dynamic even work in the long run? Do you live with the constant worry that your child might one day turn that aggression back on you? When does that cycle finally end? And what happens if things just fall apart after they stop being afraid? My oldest son is already physically stronger than I am, and he hasn't even reached adulthood yet. Sure, since he's a boy, maybe that rebellious phase won't last quite as long—assuming you're planning on letting them roam the streets right as they hit eighteen—but what happens in that window where they are strong enough to fight back but aren't legally adults yet? Do you morally feel you have more of a right to strike a child than they have to strike back at you? You might take this as me being provocative, but I promise that isn't my intention; I am truly just trying to understand🤷...

Sam Murphy said:It isn't like you're going to sit there and try to calmly explain to him that his language is unacceptable when he's hurling insults at you... that’s exactly how we ended up in this mess in the first place.

Wait, swear at me? Not one of my kids has ever even directed a curse word my way, and I sincerely hope it stays that way.

And if it does happen, I think I'm on the same page as you—trying to reason with them won't do much good. But then again, neither will a slap. Because if my teenager actually starts hurling insults at me, it’s a sign that I really missed the mark somewhere long before puberty even hit.

Sam Murphy said:You really need a firmer hand in the house, because whenever my boys start acting up like that, I step right into the middle of the fray and break them up just to remind them who’s actually in charge... I’ve already made it crystal clear to them that once they graduate high school, if they plan on continuing this nonsense, they can find somewhere else to live. My wife struggles to keep them in line too, and honestly, even you seem to have a hard time since all your nagging doesn't seem to stick, and I truly don't know what happened to kids these days, though I suspect it all stems from this overly permissive, liberal attitude we see in our schools and throughout society at large. Back in my day, things were different; if you messed up, a teacher or a parent would give you a sharp slap to set you straight, and everyone knew their place... I suppose I can be a bit too soft sometimes, letting them push the boundaries until they eventually walk all over me, which leads to a massive blowout, followed by a period of good behavior before the whole cycle starts all over again, and sometimes I just sit back and wonder why I even bother going through all this trouble...

And isn't it possible that your little one might be part of the reason for the divorce? I mean, did his behavior actually start when things began to cool down between you and your husband? It’s not entirely clear to me how someone decides to divorce just because a man won't go out much, especially since boys tend to be incredibly sensitive to their parents splitting up, and more often than not, they end up blaming their mother...

Hmm, maybe that’s one way to reach a goal, but it certainly isn't the only path, and in my opinion, it's far from the best one. I'm not saying it's ever okay to hit small children, obviously, but trying to raise a teenager through physical discipline feels like 😲.

hiddenheron58 said:I hope so too, though it feels like everything depends on finding a private practice, so we'll see... best,

Unfortunately, my own experience has always been pretty much the same—it's a "you get what you pay for" kind of situation, so perhaps you'll find yourself in a more fortunate position than I did.

How does he behave when he's outside the family circle—like when he's hanging out with friends, dealing with extended relatives, or just going through the motions at school?

Have you ever considered trying to hold off on the argument right when he starts picking a fight, instead waiting until later on, once both of you have had a chance to settle down and clear your heads a bit?

hiddenheron58 said:I think if I were in your shoes, I'd try to find a family therapist and give it a shot. I know I have to endure all of this, but I don't know if you've ever had a child where you genuinely feel like you hate them because of how much they've insulted you. Maybe it's because kids always give their mothers a pass, so after every insult, I end up giving in once the anger fades, and now it's all piled up. It's reached a point where even I, the woman who gave birth to him, can't stand to listen to it anymore because I have my pride, and I can't just take insults indefinitely. My husband used to insult me, my daughter is fine but she's 17 and manipulates my ego, though at least she doesn't insult me. The little one, though... he insults me constantly. And my mom criticizes me, saying, "Poor boy, just go easy on him, it's not his fault, he's just a teenager, you're the one at fault." So I ask myself, am I really that much of an idiot? I cook, I clean, I run around, I put things together, I pull things apart, I go to his school, I go to the psychologist, I go shopping, I iron everything, and everyone just insults me. Then they tell me I'm the pillar of the house and I have to endure it. Now I'm getting a divorce and they tell me, "Forget your ex, you can't count on him, you'll have to do everything yourself." I'm 45, and perimenopause has hit me hard, so I honestly think I should do what a friend jokingly suggested: kick my mom, my ex, and my kids to the curb and just fly off to Africa... go ahead, judge me. There's a saying: you know when you've had enough when you've finally had enough...

I have a child around the same age, and they have a pretty intense, unique personality😁. Even though I haven't faced a situation quite as heavy as yours, I truly understand that sense of despair, and the idea of judging you hasn't even crossed my mind. But honestly, instead of Africa, if I were looking for some actual inner peace, I think I'd head somewhere much further north😁.

What I'm trying to convey is that you need to find support for yourself first so that you actually have the strength to help your child. It sounds like your family is just adding to the weight rather than helping, so maybe just tune out their criticisms. Grandmothers are notorious for having those strange, skewed standards when it comes to their grandkids, so don't let that become another thing you fight about.

I'm really glad you decided to pursue therapy; I truly hope you find someone who has deep experience navigating these kinds of family dynamics.

hiddenheron58 said:Thanks for understanding... I've already tried some of the things you suggested, and I'm still pushing through, but I'm losing my nerve and my will. There are moments when I just think about how much longer until he turns 18 and can go find a job so we can all finally have some peace, but I know that isn't the answer. I didn't bring him into this world just to get rid of him; I brought him here to love him and enjoy him. I can't just take my daughter away from me by sleeping in the living room where I usually am, and it wouldn't be fair to punish her by making her sleep with me just because he's the problem. He's the one causing the trouble, so he should be the one getting the room, not her... there's just no easy fix here, and everything just keeps getting worse.😢

You really are in an incredibly tough spot, and I completely get why you just want to throw your hands up and walk away from it all. But, I hope you realize that you can't actually do that—you’re the adult in this dynamic, and the responsibility falls on you to find the strength to navigate through this and find a way forward. Just waiting for the kid to hit adulthood and move out... well, that’s a pretty grim way to handle things.

Before anything else, you need to sort through this internally—the core issue here isn't just puberty; it goes much deeper than that. Especially if the boy has a formal diagnosis for a behavioral disorder, that’s no small matter. Even if there isn't a specific diagnosis, this has been going on far too long to be brushed off easily, and given how much things change during these years, it could easily escalate if you don't take the right steps now.

I know this might not be what you want to hear, but I'm genuinely concerned that without psychotherapy—ideally family therapy—you won't be able to break out of this cycle. I know it’s expensive, which is always the hurdle, but even just a few sessions with a solid therapist could be a vital starting point if a full course isn't feasible right now (I'm assuming those $667 mentioned refer to about 10 hours of therapy).

One more important thing to keep in mind: try not to go looking for someone to blame, and please don't get lost in the "what ifs." You are exactly where you are right now, and the only way through is to focus on making the best of the situation you currently face.

Peter Flores said:A little while back, I dealt with a bout of cystitis—basically a urinary tract infection caused by bacteria. It eventually cleared up after some time, but the last time I had my urine tested, the lab results mentioned something that sounded like "salad" was in there. Now, I obviously don't mean actual lettuce or vegetables, but rather some kind of component you might find in a salad. Since then, I haven't bothered with any more tests because everything seems to have resolved itself and I feel perfectly fine.

But what I'm wondering is, what does that "salad" comment actually mean in a medical context? Could it be linked to those bacteria I had earlier?

Oxalates?