Posts by Richard Lee9

What’s honestly the most ridiculous part about all this? When a promise gets completely trampled on, the very people who feel too awkward or uncomfortable to just say "no" are the ones who won't even bite back when someone gets totally screwed over.

wearyowl29 said:Your mother is going to have a rough time with this, but honestly, everyone close to her is going to suffer too.😬
The core issue here is that a "NO" isn't what anyone is anticipating in our response.
Saying "no" feels like a deviation from the script, which creates this incredibly awkward tension in any friendship or relationship. That’s exactly why some people—despite knowing better—stubbornly force a "YES" instead of just being honest. They carry this constant, nagging guilt, feeling like the world might end or their entire social circle will collapse if they dare to utter the word "no."

But let’s be real: they aren't always actually capable of following through on that forced "yes," and when they can't, they just end up blowing off their word entirely. In my book, it is much fairer to simply say, "I can't make it tomorrow!" rather than saying, "Hang on, I'll come see you tomorrow..."
First off, once "tomorrow" actually rolls around and they don't show up—even if there was a legitimate excuse—the other person is left feeling like a complete idiot because they spent their whole afternoon waiting around. And don't even get me started on the side effect: people who lack the backbone to say "no" also tend to lack the courtesy to send a quick text letting the other person know they're stuck. It’s, at the very least, a total lack of respect for the other person's time.
Secondly, if I’m dealing with an urgent situation, I’d much rather hear a "no" today, or even a "I doubt I can make it," so I can go ahead and find someone else to help me out. If I call someone because a pipe burst in my kitchen (as basic an example as they come), I can't exactly sit around "patiently waiting" for them to drift by whenever they feel like it; I'll have a flooded apartment or a house smelling like a dead fish before they arrive. Am I right?
Why is it somehow easier for people to avoid saying "no" than it is to actually honor their word and not break a promise?

Haha! I’m genuinely curious to see where this conversation goes, because I find myself constantly debating this exact thing with my old lady. She’s one of those people who physically can't bring herself to say "no" without feeling an overwhelming wave of guilt—and then, once she finally snaps, she ends up screaming at whoever actually had the audacity to ask her a question that required a negative answer in the first place! 🙂
I totally get why she gets into those moods, but I’m constantly trying to hammer it into her head that asking a question doesn't automatically create a binding contract for a "yes." Look, you should go above and beyond whenever you can, but when you eventually hit your limit and have to say "no," the other person needs to understand that it isn't some trivial excuse; it’s because you’re genuinely exhausted or simply unable to make it happen.
It feels great to give your all to someone else, sure, but you’ve got to be fair to yourself too.
Honestly, I’d much rather hear a straight "no" to my face than deal with someone who drags their feet, saying "Oh, yeah, I'll do it, I'll do it," only to never follow through. A "no" is still a valid answer.

In this crazy world, being sane actually makes you look like the mad one. 🙂
You aren’t losing it, and neither are they. It’s just that you’ve been through the ringer—you've survived some incredibly heavy, soul-crushing situations, especially dealing with death, and that kind of trauma forces your perspective to shift. It pushes you to finally see the simplicity and the raw beauty in the little things. Wanting to appreciate life isn't "crazy." Falling in love with its simplicity isn't either. After everything you've endured, you don't crave the drama or the sensationalism anymore; you just find yourself reaching for balance and a sense of calm.

tinna said:Exactly. I just can't wrap my head around why I feel so tethered to this relationship... there's something pulling me back, maybe it's just the way he treats everyone else, since he's clearly not acting this way toward me.

Does anyone have any actual, sensible advice on how I can help myself finally walk away from all of this?🙂

You really need to go check out the thread on self-esteem... and honestly, start looking into the perks of being single. Once you find that sweet spot where you balance personal growth with actually enjoying your own company, things change. You stop picking someone out of pure desperation just to have "someone," and instead, you start choosing a partner because they actually add value to your life—a life that was already pretty damn wonderful before they showed up.

Mad Scientist said:... The original title wasn't about the need for connection; it was actually "How do you even make sense of people like this?"
I tweaked it to better reflect what's actually being discussed here... though now I'm starting to wonder if I missed the mark entirely.
My bad for the confusion.

MS

Maybe you did, but honestly, I don't think you really missed anything. In a situation like this, both elements are critical. She’s clearly pouring every ounce of her energy into trying to decipher him, but it’s just as vital—if not arguably more important for her own sake—that she takes a hard look at that deep-seated need of hers, that fundamental dependency on the relationship itself.

I want to take a moment to circle back to that headline of yours... This whole idea about needing a relationship.
The entire conversation seems to be circling the drain around how he doesn't actually have that need...
But honestly? Maybe you’re the one who needs to do some soul-searching regarding your own desperation—this tendency to cling to just any connection whatsoever rather than being comfortable on your own. I might be wrong here, but if that wasn't the case, he wouldn't have been able to drag you along for three long years like this; you probably would've started this exact same thread two and a half years ago. Just think about it—not even for the sake of this specific guy, but for whatever comes next. You don't want to find yourself in an even worse spot down the road where the other person wants a commitment, and because of your own sense of gratitude that someone finally wants you, you end up settling for absolute garbage... And trust me, it happens all the time. You really need to step back and look at the big picture; relationships are incredible when they're high-quality. But if they aren't? You have to be brave enough to say no, absolutely not and face the reality of being single—which, frankly, isn't always a bad thing at all.

darkmason17 said:I know it’s all on me. I’ve decided to end things once and for all.😈
I just hate having to justify myself to anyone; it makes everything feel so much heavier.

Look, you don't even have an duty to explain yourself. The thing is, dropping hints just doesn't work with certain people... With some guys, you have to look them right in the eye and say it loud and clear. So, just speak up—tell him exactly what you think and how you feel, and let him know this relationship is driving you crazy, because you are honestly done waiting around to see if he’ll finally step up or if he’s just going to stay stuck like this forever. If he actually cares about you, things will change the very moment you have that conversation—otherwise, you just walk away.
As for keeping things civil afterward? Maybe you can pull it off, maybe you won't. It isn't entirely up to you; it depends on his reaction too. But if you approach this without throwing a bunch of accusations at him, there's a chance you might be able to look each other in the eye and grab a coffee somewhere down the road. Honestly, in the beginning, it's probably better to create some distance so you don't put yourself in a position where seeing him just triggers more pain and regret. You can avoid the finger-pointing if you go into the talk realizing that—just as you have every right to want more from this relationship—he also has every right to not want it. Unfortunately, we can't just flip emotions on or off like a light switch, no matter how badly we wish we could. He might care about you, but if he isn't capable of feeling more than that, then that's just the reality of it.

darkmason17 said:I have this gut feeling that I should try talking to him one last time. Just for my own peace of mind.
The reality is, we haven't even had a single serious, adult conversation in three years.

Yeah, you’re right there. Especially if you feel like you need that final bit of closure. The most important thing—the absolute dealbreaker—is that you have to be just as blunt and honest with him as you’ve been being with us here.
And as for how to stop him from just blowing smoke and promising he'll change "someday"? It's actually incredibly simple. If he thinks he can actually pull it off—then he needs to start right now.

That very first link already walked me through all the fundamentals... Thanks!

Gerald Rivera60 said:I'm actually hearing about these syndromes for the very first time,

Well, that’s exactly why I’m asking... 🙂 I stumbled upon them while reading an article about autism, but they were just mentioned in passing without much detail. I'm really trying to get a handle on the specific characteristics of each. Thanks—I'll definitely be diving into those links you shared to learn more...

darkmason17 said:Not really.
Sometimes we see each other every single day, and other times it’s weeks without a word, but then it gets intense again. It’s basically like being friends with benefits.

Whoops! When you mentioned three years, I thought you were implying something way more heavy-duty than that, so I assumed you were.... 🙂
Look, I’m sorry, but three years of "friends with benefits" is just way too much! It never even crossed my mind that after three whole years, he’d still be sitting there weighing his options on whether or not to actually commit to a relationship.
1. You think you have security? What exactly constitutes "security" in this day and age? Honey, even marriages aren't bulletproof anymore. One day everything is roses, and the next—poof—they're gone!
2. Honestly, if you can handle an undefined status for three years, you must have nerves of steel. Please, stop with all that "but he cares because..." nonsense—let him actually show it. Actions, not excuses! Either he wants a committed relationship with someone he cares about, or he doesn't want one because he doesn't care enough. It’s incredibly simple, but when we're emotionally tangled up in it, we make it feel like some unsolvable puzzle. If he isn't looking for a relationship, I'll say it again: go find someone who is.
Fine—I’ll adjust my "time limit" rule in this specific case. 🙂 You can find people who are ready to commit whether they are 18, 20, 25, or whatever age your heart desires. But seriously, work on your self-respect so you don't let every random guy drag you along for three years while he plays indecisive.

Does anyone here have any insight into Prader-Willi or Angelman syndromes? I'm trying to wrap my head around what actually defines them

tinna said:Maybe.
I get it, but if that’s really the case, he just isn't telling me.
If he would just be straight with me, I could weigh my options and decide how to move forward immediately.
Instead, I find myself constantly snapping at him, trying to force him to say anything meaningful about where we stand.
Is he genuinely playing dumb, or is it possible he actually has no clue what I want from this?

The only real possibility here is that he knows exactly what you want. He's just playing it cool.
Look, I hate to be the one to break it to you, but very few guys are actually ready to settle down and marry someone when they're only 20. And honestly, why the sudden rush? You need to take things in order—just like the advice you already received... provided there's actually someone willing to go down that path with you. If you truly feel like you've matured enough to make that kind of commitment and he hasn't, you're basically staring down two choices:
1. Wait patiently until he eventually catches up to that mindset (you aren't going to miss some deadline)
2. Start looking for someone who is actually on the same page regarding marriage. Maybe try targeting the 25+ crowd... though even then, there are absolutely no guarantees...