rustyowl7 said:I honestly have so much respect for you all. If I found out my thirteen-year-old daughter had started smoking, I think I’d be screaming loud enough for the whole of Washington, D.C. to hear me. I don't smoke myself, though my husband does. I just don't know if I could ever stay as composed and calm as you are in a situation like that...
One thing I've learned since we started dealing with all these hormone shifts: never, ever blow up at them for something they did or said. Seriously. If you go the route of yelling things like, "ARE YOU KIDDING ME? WHERE WAS YOUR BRAIN? DO YOU REALIZE WHAT YOU JUST DID?" you're just going to kill their trust in you. And that's the absolute last thing you want.
As long as I know that no matter what happens or whatever mistake they make, they'll come to me first to talk or ask for help, then nothing is truly scary.
Keith Barrett2 said:I don't get how all those former smokers and even the occasional puffers managed to find something so offensive in this post🤣
but honestly, the whole point was just about how kids learn by watching you
they pick up on what we actually *do*, not what we preach. if we tell them one thing but do the exact opposite, they’re gonna soak up our actions through osmosis, whether they mean to or not.
Your comparison is totally off base—I highly doubt anyone sane is having sex right in front of their kids. , and look, driving 10 mph over the limit is basically fine under the law since there's no ticket for going up to 6.2 miles /h in the city or 20 over on the highway...
I really hope you aren't pulling those speeding stunts while the kids are in the car.
A better way to put it would be, like, swearing. You try to teach kids that cursing is bad, but then you go ahead and swear or hitting. If a kid sees you acting like physical outbursts are normal, even if you tell them not to fight...
Maybe you can talk them through it and convince them it's just "adult stuff" so they won't do it in front of you, but deep down, they still think it's okay behavior because they see Mom and Dad doing it.
Look, I'm not being a preacher here, and I'm definitely not saying you're all terrible mothers just because you smoke, nor am I saying cigarettes are the end of the world. I know plenty of moms in real life who would die for their kids—mothers who stay up late cooking healthy meals and do everything humanly possible to provide, but heaven forbid you mention their smokes. (The proof is right here in this thread: the second you don't praise smoking, people start acting all holier-than-thou. It feels like on this forum, you can disagree on anything except for the topic of cigarettes own.)
Anyway, back to the start: just show them by example that smoking is bad, no matter how hard it is. Maybe in a few years, that positive influence will actually pay off.
Part of raising kids is teaching them that there's a clear line between being an adult and being a kid.
None of this bothers me, really. I'm fine. It's just people who love to lecture about everything that gets on my nerves. I've seen plenty of "by the book" parents totally wreck their relationships with their kids without even realizing it. And yet, they still sit there trying to preach their parenting "recipes" to everyone else.
So, I’m an ex-smoker. I haven't been a regular smoker for about 20 years now—mostly just a little something here and there at parties or when I'm hanging out with friends.
I don't really see cigarettes as the ultimate evil of the world, especially when you look at all the other stuff people do that doesn't get nearly as much backlash or stigma.
My daughter probably won't ever pick up the habit. It's not like I'm being super strict or forbidding it, she just dealt with enough bronchitis growing up that she realized on her own why it's a massive "no" for her. She sees things differently than most kids. That said, we've had plenty of talks about how adults can do certain things that kids shouldn't, simply because adults actually grasp cause and effect and carry the weight of their choices. I'm responsible for my own actions, and parents are responsible for theirs—it sounds simple, but honestly, even a kid gets that concept.
Keith Barrett2 said:I honestly can't get over how hypocritical you both are—total smokers who somehow expect your kids to stay away from it.
To me, it feels like you're missing the whole point about leading by example. I mean, what bigger motivation could you possibly need to kick the habit than actually being a decent role model for your own kid?
And all this talk about "I just can't do it"... look, I get it, addiction is a beast, but people pull themselves off heroin and cocaine every single day, so come on. If you really can't swing it on your own, there are plenty of support groups out there, or even nicotine patches to help with the physical side of things...
Should parents stop having that glass of wine after lunch before they get behind the wheel? 6.2 miles Speeding, hooking up... what’s next on this list? They're really trying to set an example, aren't they? Like, they want to show kids that just because adults do certain things doesn't mean it's okay for them to follow suit. It's a bit much, honestly. Reminds me of when I was a teenager and my older cousin tried to act all "cool" and rebellious, only to realize we were all just making a mess of things. Anyway, just seems like a weird way to teach a lesson.
Why is it that every single time someone even mentions a cigarette, some self-appointed moral authority has to jump out of the woodwork to lecture us? Seriously. It’s like they’re just waiting for an excuse to act superior. I remember being at a coffee shop in Seattle last week—just minding my own business—and this guy starts going on a whole sermon because someone lit up near the patio. Just constant lecturing. It’s exhausting!
You did the right thing. Now you just have to try and hold yourself back from hovering over her every five minutes. Seriously, speaking from experience, that just fuels the rebellion and makes them pull away. My daughter didn't start all this teenage drama until she hit this stage too, so believe me, I've been there. 😁
On a brighter note, we actually managed to get through the whole weekend without a single cat fight. She even tagged along on my walk with the dog, which is basically a miracle. Last time we tried this, she bolted back inside halfway through! Turns out she actually wanted to talk, so I ended up getting a much longer walk out of it. 🤣
She admitted that sometimes she’s genuinely shocked by the stuff she says during an argument. Like, she knows she’d never say those things under normal circumstances, but she feels like her fuse is just incredibly short lately. Everything feels like a personal attack or some kind of nagging, and then—boom—she explodes. Then later she'll just sit there thinking, "Girl, what is wrong with you? Are you actually okay?!"
I told her it’s totally normal and that she shouldn't beat herself up—it's mostly just hormones doing the talking. And hey, fighting is just one way people communicate, too. She’s trying to comfort me by saying it’ll only last a few more years and then we'll be fine... 🤣
Cornu, the absolute worst move you can make is hitting them with that "Are you even sane?" routine followed by yelling. Once you do that, they just flip their "defiance" switch, and suddenly a tiny little disagreement turns into a total avalanche.
Anyway, just stay chill. Don't go on a whole lecture, either. Keep it short and sweet.
Speaking from experience, my niece is in her sophomore year of high school. She isn't a troublemaker, but she definitely has those moments where she tests the limits—so trust me, I get it. I'm still learning how to handle these things myself. It’s always way easier to play the wise adult when it's someone else's problem. 😁
And it’s not just about that. Keeping them on a super short leash can totally wreck their trust in you. I mean, look, whatever happens, I know she’s going to come to me first for help or some solid advice. If I start acting like a gatekeeper and shutting her out, who knows how bad things could get? Kids are smart—they'll just do whatever they want anyway, they'll just get better at hiding it from their parents and lying through their teeth. Anything is better than that kind of distance.
Edit: Oops, just realized I basically repeated exactly what you said. I think I need another cup of coffee. 😁
If my kid ends up doing even a third of the crazy stuff I did back in the day, man, I am in trouble. Honestly, looking back, I turned out pretty decent—just a regular, responsible adult.
It’s funny how you look at your younger self through a different lens now. Like, oh my god, what was I thinking? What could have gone wrong? It actually scares me a little to think my kid might make those same ridiculous mistakes.
But then again, that’s just growing up. It’s that stage where you finally taste freedom and start experimenting. You want to feel grown-up and do "adult" things...
As long as it stays within reason, doesn't tank their grades, and I still trust them, let them explore. I make sure they get all the facts from me—everything from why smoking is a bad idea to safe sex. That's it. I’d be way more worried if I stifled that whole experience. I remember seeing kids whose parents kept them on such a tight leash; we used to look at them with so much pity and envy.
She actually asked me once what I'd say if I found out she lit up a joint. And I told her, "Sweetie, next time, bring it to Mom first so I can check the quality." 🤷
I think I just heard this on the radio, and honestly, can you believe it? That absolute disgrace of a human being from Fuchs actually said he doesn't think we need to introduce civic education because students supposedly pick it up through other subjects.
🤦
If online learning was considered harmful, then what on earth are we supposed to make of our "brilliant" former ministers?
We haven’t really hit any major bumps in the road yet. She messes up occasionally, sure, but it’s always just silly stuff. Honestly, I get the feeling she exaggerates the little things sometimes just because she doesn't want to look like a total tattletale to her mom.
And then, give it a day or two, and she'll come clean about it. 🙄 She’s never actually a liar. It’s not like she’s being malicious or anything. 😁
We sat her down a long time ago and told her we don't need to know every single detail—everyone deserves a little privacy. If she ever truly blew it and hid something huge, or started lying to cover her tracks, I still wouldn't be out there snooping through her texts. To me, checking a kid's phone like that is just degrading. I’d much rather just take the phone away entirely than play detective.
Amanda Hughes37 said:Reading this, where they say kids won't let you cuddle at twelve... fine, I'll stop pestering him out in public, but at home, I’ll do it as much as I want. It was the same way with the older ones. Mind you, my version of affection involves a bit of wrestling—pulling, tickling, basically trying to kill the poor thing—and some growling too.🤣 And he’s totally fine with it... when he’s bored, he just yells from his room for me to come over and tear him apart.
When he pulls some teenage stunt, I usually just scowl and threaten that I can be just as difficult if he keeps it up—then he settles down.
What really gets to me, though, is that I don't even dare frown at him, otherwise he'll just hover and say, "You're being useless again." Again??
Mhm. 🥳Exactly.
You can be on your absolute best behavior for 29 days straight, just totally perfect, and then you make one tiny little comment or a tiny critique on that last day? Forget about it. It's all gone. Completely erased from their memory. I was talking to my neighbor about this the other day—it's like, "Mom, why are you always yelling at me?" even though I haven't raised my voice once.
I asked my mom what I was like growing up, and her response? She was basically like, "Puberty? Please. I had way more important things to worry about than your teenage drama." 🤣
And honestly, she wasn't wrong. She had enough on her plate as it is. My dad was constantly "away on business"—which we all knew meant he was just avoiding the chaos—so she said I actually made things pretty easy for her because I understood the vibe. If I did act out, we’d just have a quick spat, and I’d stomp off to my room to sulk or cry, and then it was over.
Now, watching her with my kid, she’s all like, "Just let them be. Ignore it. Let them pout, let them throw a fit, just turn around and protect your peace." It sounds so easy when she says it... 🤣
Starting a new thread today because I’m officially losing my mind. Seriously, puberty is a trip. 🙂
At this point, she basically only leaves her room to eat, use the bathroom, or just act like a little menace. Or, she’ll come barging in and shove her phone under my nose to show me some random TikTok or meme that's just endless gibberish. I try to be a good parent and watch them—I really do—but when she shoves the exact same stupid video at me for the seventh or eighth time in a row, I just can't pretend anymore. There's a limit to how much nonsense I can stomach before I snap. 🙂
And don't even get me started on the "you can't disagree with me" rule. If I happen to not like something she likes, or if I dare suggest that something seems a bit silly or pointless... man, she takes it as a personal attack. It’s like an instant meltdown.
When she starts venting about school drama or her friends, heaven forbid I offer a different perspective. If I say, "Hey, maybe that wasn't actually fair," it's game over. She'll just snap, "Well, whose side are you even on?!"
It's been this same repetitive loop every single day lately. Last night, she dropped the bombshell that she's never having kids. Apparently, she has zero interest in spending her entire life dealing with the chaos of children. 🤦
John Doe, I swear, I am going to start filming her every time she goes on one of these little adventures. Then I'll just save the footage and play it back for her in ten years. I'm dead serious. 🙂
She’s way more conservative than I am. Honestly, it’s a lot. Some of her takes just totally catch me off guard—like, she was absolutely horrified when one of my coworker's daughters mentioned hoping her first boyfriend wouldn't be her last. Or when she asked, "Mom, did you have MORE boyfriends before Dad?" 😲
Even when I broke my arm, she was huffing and puffing about how "indecent" it was that my dad was helping me shower. Like, I was naked. 😲
And all that other stuff.
I’m really crossing my fingers that this is just a phase and she eventually grows out of it.
Kenneth Brown5 said:Honestly, I don't think mine hates it either, but she just starts spiraling and crying over everything. She lies and makes things up. Like, even when she has an awesome day, she'll claim it was terrible, almost like she's trying to drive me crazy. She never wants to show she's actually happy; she just acts like she couldn't care less about anything. Everything is supposedly stupid or boring, even though she still gets her stuff done and puts in the effort. She’s just become so exhausting, constantly whining and complaining and staying in this negative headspace. My kid has turned into a seriously difficult person to live with. It was such a shock to me, and honestly, dealing with these mood swings and that constant scowl is getting really hard to stomach. If my husband acted like this, I’d probably be looking into divorce by now.
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Every single one of these hormone-driven terrors has their own little way of doing things. But at the end of the day, the result for us is the same—total frustration and a desperate urge to trade the kids in for Golden Retrievers on Craigslist. 😁
People say they'll grow out of it (honestly, if anyone else took them in, they'd probably send them right back and ask for a refund for the emotional trauma 😬). I guess someone had to put up with us, too. At least life is never boring. 😍
Try to take it with a grain of salt and find some humor in it. Believe me, I know it's easier said than done. 🙂
Kenneth Brown5 said:Man, are you telling me your kids are also going through this phase where they claim to hate themselves, everyone else, school, and just their entire existence? Honestly, I’m feeling pretty down about all these outbursts, especially since I know for a fact my daughter was never like this growing up. I’m totally lost on how to handle it or how to actually help her get back to her old self; I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing. I definitely need to sit down and read through this whole thread.
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Nah, mine doesn't hate school. Actually, she loves it. Life is good, her friends are fine (well, except for those guys in her class—total jerks and complete losers 😬)
It's always the same stuff though: parents, house rules, cleaning her room, or the fact that she has to share a bathroom instead of having her own. It's endless drama, constant sulking, and nothing but snarky comments...
Alright. If I tell someone they’re acting like an idiot or just talking nonsense and end up getting smacked for it, I’m definitely using your "explanation" as my excuse.
Gerald Chavez7 said:I don't think this is really worth a sanction. A moderator on one subforum is just jumping into a discussion on another one just like any other regular user. If I were handing out warnings for posts like this, I'd be running out of cards by now.
Honestly, I’ve been flagged for way less than this, so I'm definitely not talking about you. Plenty of other people on here have been chewed out for much smaller things.
I truly couldn't care less what anyone thinks of me—I'm not sitting here judging everyone else either, so that's not the point. Though, Maria Fowler39 jumped on that angle immediately. The thing is, because of all the warnings and bans over tiny little things (basically just disagreeing with a mod's take, which usually gets labeled as trolling—I actually mentioned this to your former colleague once), most of us feel like we're walking on eggshells. We're constantly trying to play nice. So, yeah, it's pretty frustrating when a mod is allowed to act in a way that would get anyone else a strike.
If that isn't a double standard, then I don't know what is.
I tried to give you some advice in our private messages on how to actually fix things, mostly because if we kept talking about this here, the whole thread would just spiral into random nonsense. But you shot that down. I guess it’s easier to just make broad generalizations and lump everyone into one big group instead of dealing with the actual person causing the headache. Hey, it's your call, though. Totally your right.
It's not a dictionary, it's a lexicon😉
Well, you were acting like one. And you basically admitted the issue is real, but somehow I'm still being held hostage by your opinion. And no, I didn't get flagged for generalizing; I got flagged for having a specific stance. Call it whatever kind of camouflage you want.
Anyway, are you seriously feeling that proud of yourself for correcting my grammar? Didn't the mods warn other people not to do that? What on earth is wrong with you? Or is this just petty for the sake of being petty?