Posts by Olivia Smith2

Laura Castillo6 said:Focus. Where you direct your attention is where your energy actually flows.

If you’re constantly stuck living inside your own head, you’re basically spinning your wheels in the mud.

Get out there and look at the real world—focus on the physical stuff, people, and life happening right in front of you.

coastalwalker9 said:Of course it can.
What the individual above mentioned is correct. You have to shift your focus.
When you pour all of your mental energy into a sense of helplessness, you end up dreaming about exactly those preoccupations because your mind is so heavily burdened by them.
If you are constantly fretting over your university finals, you’re going to dream about them.
If you possess an overwhelming ambition to become the greatest quarterback in the NFL and your thoughts are perpetually occupied by that goal, that becomes the world you construct in your mind, and subsequently, that is what you will dream about.

I think there's some truth to this—it's the kind of advice I'd give someone else as an observer. But since this has been going on for two years now, the mental loop and the labyrinth I've built up are just too deep... I'm certain I need an objective professional to step in.
The moment I was discharged from the hospital, I recognized the danger and tried everything—running, hitting the gym, attempting to read, grabbing coffee with friends—but I still ended up with this mental fog. 🙂
Now we'll see how psychotherapy goes, though I wasn't exactly thrilled after the first session—it didn't feel like we were tackling the things that actually matter most to me.

Nicole Booth25 said:Your subconscious is trying to tell you something.
Whether you figure out what that is on your own or work through it with a therapist is entirely up to you.

If you don't mind me asking, what kind of F23 are you running?

F23.2 and F41.1.
I've actually stopped taking antipsychotics—well, I still take 25mg of Quetiapine before bed, but my doctors mentioned that at such a low dose, it acts more as a mild sedative to help me drift off rather than a full antipsychotic.

Anyway, I managed to sleep for twelve hours straight without any issues! I can't remember the whole thing—it was all a bit blurry—but I do recall dreaming that I was just pretending to be a normal person while everyone watched me.🙂

Elizabeth Castillo87 said:Have you ever even thought about throwing on some chill, low-key music?

I haven't—though I do enjoy watching a light movie, which usually helps me drift off quickly and peacefully. But these dreams just won't quit. I've also had those "falling" sensations and visual flickers twice now—specifically after my sessions with my therapist. Interestingly, I've noticed my cognitive clarity starts to slip whenever I'm dealing with stress or anxiety, much like how I felt before and after seeing my therapist. Can anxiety actually impact cognitive function?

Elizabeth Castillo87 said:Have you maybe been spending way too much time staring at a screen right before bed, scrolling through those endless threads from Sigmund Freud?

Not at all. I rarely browse this stuff—I haven't even checked in for weeks. 🙂

It’s highly likely—honestly, I was diagnosed about two years ago with something resembling schizophrenia along with an anxiety disorder. :/ My psychiatrist actually mentioned that I don't quite fall under the broad schizophrenia umbrella, though they spent a long time debating the exact diagnosis. I've stopped taking antipsychotics lately.

I also had my first session with a psychotherapist last week; she suggested there might be a personality disorder at play, but admitted it's still too early to pinpoint which one.

Out of everything I'm dealing with, the toughest part is definitely the cognitive decline—I just don't feel as sharp as I used to be. Between memory issues, trouble processing information, and difficulty reading... it's incredibly frustrating and really drags my mood down. Plus, I wouldn't say I'm feeling fully mentally stable right now.

Every single night, I have these dreams where I'm stuck in a hospital being watched by psychiatrists—feeling detached from reality, "crazy," or totally non-functional—and I wake up drenched in sweat. It's becoming hard to manage. Falling asleep isn't usually the issue, except for these occasional sensations—like a sudden, intense tingling through my limbs that jolts me awake, or this weird feeling of falling.

+ Then there's the practical side of things—having to pay bills and survive when I don't feel functional enough to make any major life moves, like hunting for a better job.

Is anyone else out there navigating something similar?
Any thoughts?
Advice?
Critiques?

Thanks so much!

Hey everyone—just wanted to share an update. My doctor lowered my dose of aripiprazole from 10 mg down to 5 mg, and after a little while, I’m actually feeling quite a bit better. My cognitive clarity is returning, and I finally feel more like my old self again.

It’s only now becoming crystal clear just how much of a necessary evil these medications really are. It breaks my heart that so many of us have to rely on them, but hopefully, there's some small comfort in knowing you aren't alone. Isn't it true that struggling with your mental state is often just a side effect of being on antipsychotics—even something like aripiprazole?

silverheron91 said:Oh, please, there's nothing left in me—no spirit, no soul. 🤣

Look, I was never really much of a party girl. Back when things were going well, I loved heading out with friends or old high school teachers to catch a play or an art exhibit. I've always preferred hanging with older crowds who actually knew more about art than I did.

And since you mentioned drinking alone... Well, I hate to disappoint you, but you aren't the only one. I do it a lot. Actually, contradicting everything I just said, I did go to my cousin's birthday party recently. But it was such a snooze-fest; they were all just talking about diapers and toddler milestones. I ended up ditching them to hang out with the older folks in the house for a bit. Even when I walked into Babakao, they were still stuck on topics about their kids and husbands. I grabbed a couple of Helex, downed a bottle of Jägermeister, and as soon as it slid down my throat, I suddenly had enough inspiration to carry a whole monologue. They actually listened to me intently. 🎉

Oh, please—I’m telling you, you definitely have spirit. You at least have the willpower to be typing away on this forum. Meanwhile, I’m just rolling around in bed like a little piglet waiting for the butcher.

Alcohol isn't even my biggest issue here. It's my imagination—that damn imagination—it betrayed me. My ability to rationalize? Betrayed me. Empathy? Betrayed me. My wandering mind? Betrayed me. My quick wit? Gone. My self-confidence? Forget it. There’s plenty of other stuff that let me down, but if I had to pick, I’d say my ex did. She could have stayed with me, even when my eyes were drooping so hard I couldn't string a coherent sentence together. And man, I used to be such a good orator. 🤣

God, I’m so restless—I can't tell if it's anxiety or just something else... but my legs won't stay still. I'm pacing around the house like I'm hunting for burglars. 🤦

Maybe I should cut back on the cigarettes? 🤔

silverheron91 said:Honestly? It’s been incredibly tough. Growing up, I was basically the "gifted kid" everyone pointed to, but everything kind of crumbled during my teens when those first signs of personality disorders and psychosis started creeping in.

Then, in my early 20s, I felt like my brain was finally waking back up. I was hitting my stride, really pushing myself intellectually. I spent my days buried in books, tackling complex problems, just trying to build a solid, productive life. But then—and this is the kicker—the downward spiral started, and it hasn't really stopped since.

It happened so fast. One minute I had the whole nine yards—a career, college, a solid circle of friends, hobbies, you name it. Three weeks later, I was being hospitalized. I lost everything. They put me on 6 Modern and eventually sent me home feeling like a total zombie.

🕺

Luckily, I managed to finish my degree before the psychosis hit, though unfortunately, it was in one of those humanities fields. God, I was practically signaling how dim I was from the very start—quite unlike you. 🤣

It’s actually quite lovely to read that you pushed your intellect to such incredible heights; for me, it feels like I only truly started developing once everything went south.

From what I can see, you still have plenty of spirit left—that’s a sweet thing to notice. Mine feels broken; I don't even know how I'm managing to type. I get the impression I'm slowly, surely, becoming dyslexic.

Is it total garbage? Absolutely. You lose everything overnight. It happened to me, too. Take Saturday night, for example... Two years ago, I’d be out hitting clubs in NYC looking for a good time, but now? Now I'm just home alone, washing down Pregabalin and Xanax with beer.

I have to admit, life isn't exactly thrilling like this... I just don't have the courage for the things I won't even say out loud...

And yeah, my sense of "self" is brutally fractured—I'm not sure if others with psychosis feel the same... but I don't perceive myself the way I used to. It's as if I've lost my identity and turned into someone I don't even recognize.

To me, it all feels very, very terrible. If I weren't so apathetic, I'd probably be crying. 🤣

silverheron91 said:I feel like my brain just stopped working properly while I was on Moditen. You definitely aren't alone in this. 🤣

Well, that’s comforting! I guess we can just hold hands and dance through the chaos then. 😢
How have you been managing to cope with it all?

Harold Anderson3 said:To be honest, reading your posts here, you seem quite coherent, showing a really good sense of self-awareness and a critical eye toward your own situation.
A diagnosis of psychosis similar to schizophrenia is heavy stuff, and no one can fully recover from a psychotic episode overnight.
As for that cognitive drop-off, that’s actually pretty typical during the onset of psychosis. Usually, other people are the first to notice it—they see your vocabulary shrinking, your mental skills slipping, and perhaps most commonly, apathy. That total emotional numbness toward yourself and the world, where you just lose interest in your responsibilities and hobbies... have you felt anything like that?

That describes my life perfectly, dear Harold Anderson3—at least for the last two years, ever since I dealt with that awful psychosis.

I'm honestly at a loss regarding this constant "foggy" feeling, and the worst part? It feels like even the doctors don't have the answers. It's just devastating.

Anyway, how are things with you?

Harold Anderson3 said:Yeah, I totally hear you. Did you find that these issues weren't there before you started treatment? For everything you mentioned, you really have to "retrain" your brain, regardless of whether you're dealing with an illness or not...

Before I actually started medication, I noticed a massive cognitive decline. I was struggling with distorted beliefs and paranoia back then, too—but honestly, I only sought out psychiatric help because of that mental fog. I couldn't figure out what was wrong, only to eventually be diagnosed with a psychosis similar to schizophrenia. Now, several psychiatrists—including my own—are telling me that I probably don't fall under the schizophrenia umbrella, so they're treating me with minimal doses. Aside from the 5 mg of aripiprazole, I'm taking 150 mg of pregabalin twice a day, plus propranolol and Normabel to stay calm, since I developed an anxiety disorder in the process.

It’s a strange sensation. Not only is it hard to remember things, read, or even communicate, but everything just feels... blurry and slow. It's like being drunk, except without the fun part. 🙂 The group at the clinic who are on Moditen, risperidone, Haldol, and so on, never complained about their cognitive abilities—yet here I am, repeating myself constantly like a broken record.

silverheron91 said:5 mg a day? Are you seriously cutting a 10 mg pill in half? I had no idea they even made doses that tiny! I’m sitting here taking 30 mg myself.

Yes, I am splitting the 10 mg one in half. One psychiatrist actually thought it was odd that I was complaining about my cognitive function when aripiprazole is supposed to improve it—though, for the akathisia (restlessness) I had back then, that 10 mg dose was far too low.

Adam Morris4 said:Have you ever considered that you might have ADHD? When you mix antipsychotics with ADHD, it can really tank your concentration—which is already a struggle if you're dealing with that diagnosis.

Actually, when I first joined this forum, I did a bit of Googling to see what might be going on, and ADHD results kept popping up. I see they treat it with amphetamines and dextroamphetamine. I'm not entirely sure how those work, though.

Harold Anderson3 said:I'm wondering why they decided to scale you down? A standard dose for that one usually lands somewhere between 15 and 30 mg. One thing about Abilify is that it doesn't typically hit you with that heavy, sedative feeling you get from other antipsychotics, even at the higher end of the spectrum, though I suppose everyone reacts differently to side effects.
Don't feel like everything is gone for good; with the right treatment plan, things can definitely get back to where they were, though I know firsthand that finding that balance isn't an easy road. Figuring out the exact cocktail of meds and the perfect dosages is a real struggle, but you just have to keep pushing forward.

They lowered my dose because I haven't been diagnosed with schizophrenia yet—they actually told me the goal is to eventually get me off everything entirely. They've been tapering me down for two years now, so this was just another step in the process.

That said, I'm struggling immensely with reading, comprehension, and memory. Looking around this sub-forum, it seems like this isn't much of a topic? It feels like nobody else is dealing with this—so I have to wonder, am I just... 😠

They just lowered my aripiprazole to 5 mg a day—now I’m sitting here wondering if all the chaos is about to come rushing back...

What’s your focus been like lately? Mine is absolutely non-existent. I can barely read, watch TV, or even hold a decent conversation. I used to blame the meds, but now I'm starting to think the psychosis itself just left its mark—like maybe some things are lost for good? What have you all been experiencing in that department?

Sorry to be the one to start a new thread—it just feels necessary right now.

Things haven't improved. I’m still managing acute psychosis, though I’ve honestly lost track of the root cause. I don't deal with paranoia, delusions, or false beliefs anymore... I'm on a minimal dose of antipsychotics, but they also diagnosed me with an anxiety disorder, so I’m basically drowning in Xanax.

I’ve read posts from others here who vented about heartbreak, healed within six months, and came back to brag about being in their mental "paradise" again. I just can't seem to get there. Everything revolves around her. It’s been nearly a year and a half since we were together, yet I’m still awake dreaming of making up. But really, why dwell on such a cliché, old-fashioned heartache?

The real issue is the physical toll—my palms are constantly sweaty, I’m shaking all over, tapping my feet incessantly, and dealing with this stubborn restlessness. I’m popping Xanax just to sleep fourteen hours a day, but waking up is its own kind of hell. If I had to pick one major struggle, it would be how incredibly foolish I've become—it's almost terrifying to me. My focus is shot because she's always on my mind, and the psychosis has taken its share of the damage too. The only person brave enough to tell me straight was my best friend, who noted that I've actually become quite dim. Is there a way to treat that? I try to read, but everything I look at is blurred by this newfound dyslexia.

Even after two years, I can't seem to pull myself out of the mess I've made. I don't have any family support, despite trying to trigger some by mentioning suicidal thoughts—thoughts I truly had when I was on a much worse medication regimen. The only silver lining is that I’ve cut back on drinking and gambling, though that doesn't feel like much of a victory.

I feel like I've lost my sense of self. I once read that our illness isn't *us*—that we retain our core personality—but it feels exactly the opposite to me. My illness has become my identity. It has turned my life into a nightmare, leaving me a slave to my ex, my meds, my cognitive fog, and this akathisia. Right now, I certainly don't feel like a gladiator ready to slice through the ropes pulling me down.

How does one learn to live with an unrequited love, find the old version of themselves, or build someone entirely new? Has anyone actually succeeded in doing that? I feel terrible, and I simply can't go on like this.

Carol Barrett2 said:Man, I had absolutely no clue this was even a thing. I get these bouts where I’m just restless—like, my whole body is swaying or shaking or whatever. Even when I'm just standing around waiting for something, I can't seem to stay still. I really didn't realize there was an actual name for this feeling.

I struggle with constant restlessness and can't seem to sit still—my foot is always tapping against the floor. It’s not exactly a mental crisis, but man, it is incredibly annoying. I take aripiprazole, so akathisia is a known side effect, but Normabel isn't doing much for me... I was prescribed a beta-blocker to slow my heart rate down, which helps slightly, but the leg twitching persists. I think I need something more effective—or maybe just a few cold beers? 😵

Has anyone else here dealt with akathisia? I'm curious—what medications are you all using to manage it?

Jessica Cooper5 said:The reason is simple: I have never actually mourned a person. Instead, I mourn the version of myself that existed in that specific moment, acting as a resonance with them. It took several failed relationships—along with a few other life lessons—to finally realize this. People arrive and they depart. No matter how difficult it is to grasp or accept that inevitability, we are always left alone with ourselves, without exception. That is also a hard truth to swallow. Often, the shifts we experience through others—be they friends, lovers, or partners—are precisely what irrevocably change us. Perhaps we aren't actually longing for them, but rather feeling nostalgic for who we were back then.
I suspect you are actually pining for your former self.
You lost your way somewhere along the road, and she was your anchor; now that she's gone, you simply miss the person you used to be.
My apologies for the lack of cohesion; I am feeling quite inflated right now.

Are you feeling any better now? 😁
Yes, I agree with you. Honestly? I miss how she used to put me on a pedestal. 😁
She idealized me to an extreme degree—though I have no idea when that illusion finally popped in her eyes. My therapist mentioned it's quite likely we both have some kind of personality disorder (mine isn't as obvious, anyway) and that we were essentially mirroring the family dynamics we grew up with. He also noted how rare this specific dynamic is—so I guess I really struck gold, didn't I? 😢
With her, I felt alive—we spent so much time talking, and the intimacy was incredible. We lived life to the fullest, only for me to end up with nothing. In a sense, I've reverted to the person I was before her—a state that used to suit me, but doesn't anymore. I seriously need to do some self-work.

It wouldn't be all that strange if I hadn't been quite promiscuous before we met. I thought I had successfully numbed my heart... or at least, I believed I had. Instead, I ended up right back here. It's brutal. 🙂

Jessica Cooper5 said:I suspect you are less obsessed with her and more nostalgic for the version of yourself that existed when you were with her.

That’s an interesting way to put it. I definitely have those moments myself—isn't that just how it goes? Why do you say that, though?

placidorca16 said:Falling in love is basically a temporary mental glitch—it clouds your judgment so you stop seeing the actual person and start seeing some idealized version instead. Usually, those "epic romances" are just massive amounts of projection; once that bubble finally pops, the whole thing deflates like a cheap balloon, and you’re left seeing them for who they really are—though that takes some time. Honestly, I think that’s exactly where you’re at right now. You're still viewing your ex through this filtered lens, even though she isn't actually that person. The fact that she walked away simply because you didn't meet her material standards tells me everything I need to know about her—she sounds like someone trying to compensate for her own lack of character, talent, or imagination by chasing status. What does someone like that even bring to the table if you're already a much deeper, more substantial person than she is? That alone should be enough to shift your perspective. Try looking at her from a different angle—focus on her flaws and keep them front and center every day; eventually, that obsession will probably just fizzle out. And yeah, I definitely agree with the folks who said you seriously need to find a new therapist.👍

Hang in there. Things always get better, so don't lose faith in yourself just yet.🙂

My imagination basically built me an alien from another planet. I know it now—and honestly, it's probably for the best. During my psychotic episode, I was actually terrified of her. I thought she had some kind of magical power over me... it was a living nightmare!

I've been trying to focus on her flaws for a year now, but even the things most people would call red flags—things I didn't even notice before I fell for her—still feel like virtues to me. 🤣

A huge thanks to you and everyone else who helped me try to shift my perspective. I think that's the core issue here. The reality is, she's unfaithful, an alcoholic, and incredibly volatile.

Still, I can't believe how quickly she found someone else to turn to. I feel like a gust of wind that just gave her a little breeze, and now she's all bundled up in something warmer and moved on.

As for the phone and the constant checking... I might just smash it. I swear. 🙂 I've been reading about romantic psychosis and extreme projection during infatuation... sometimes a breakup can cause more PTSD than actual combat. That's exactly how I feel.

crimsonhound422 said:Olivia Smith2,
I suspect you might be being a bit too hard on yourself.
What you’re navigating right now is simply the process of healing. Every stage of this is tied to your own life experience and is an inevitable part of moving forward. Things will cool down eventually. Just give it some time.

It's vital to realize that she belongs to your past—she was a chapter in your journey that served a purpose, even if the reasons behind it aren't clear to you right now.
The goal is to extract the lessons from the experience and find a way to finally let it go.

Our brains use dreams, among other things, to process daily stress. Dreams are just one part of a biological system designed to help you keep functioning.
Try to occupy your mind with other, more demanding tasks whenever possible. The more you dwell on her, the more you reinforce those neural pathways that hold onto the memory.
By diverting your focus toward new interests (and ideally, meeting new people), you're allowing your brain to prune those old connections more effectively.

Beyond that, I think your perspective is a bit skewed. Instead of feeling "replaced," you should actually feel a sense of relief that she's out of your life. You only lost a year; for someone else, this could have been a much longer setback.

If you want to make something of this whole ordeal, follow what wearyeagle10 suggested: work on building yourself up so you feel more confident, rather than using your perceived flaws to justify why someone left. Aim to become a happier person through self-fulfillment, rather than constantly viewing yourself through someone else's lens.

I’m honestly a bit worried about this whole "cooling off" period—it just doesn't seem to be happening. Sure, things felt a little better for a few days, but then we were right back where we started—is time really that relative when it comes to these things? A year definitely doesn't feel like a short amount of time... Thanks for such a detailed post, though. It’s actually quite comforting. 🙂

Jose Miller3 Asks:
You really need to find yourself a second psychiatrist—and fast. It’s urgent, honestly—before this one decides to pull you off your antipsychotics and leaves you to fight the battle entirely on your own right when you need support the most?

Honestly—maybe tomorrow you should try finding a different psychiatrist?

Yeah, I have to agree—it feels like things are much more dire than everyone else realizes, doesn't it?

Jessica Cooper5 said:You can seek out a psychologist at any time, regardless of whether you've experienced psychosis in the past. Find a psychologist or a therapist who can assist you with daily survival and coping with loss. I am not referring to a shrink who provides pharmacological treatment. I am not talking about medication.
I am an intensely melancholic person who struggles significantly with the past, so I understand your position. No one can dictate whether a year is a sufficient amount of time to move past someone or something, but the reality remains that you have been in a state of constant distress for a full year and you feel terrible. Seek out someone to talk to.

I’ve actually gone through group therapy sessions where I did nothing but vent about being head-over-heels for this person—non-stop. But honestly? They can't really help much; at the end of the day, it’s just on me. Or at least, that’s what the social workers and therapists tell me. I'm feeling a bit lost, though—what am I even supposed to do on my own when every single effort feels like hitting a brick wall? I don't bring it up with my friends because, frankly, I'm embarrassed. Besides, I feel like I already leaned on them way too hard back when things were at their absolute worst during my psychotic episode. I am just bone-tired from all of this. My providers have noticed how depressed I've been, but as I mentioned, they aren't able to prescribe any medication right now.

I wouldn't say I'm the type of person who struggles to let go of the past—at least, I didn't think so. It’s just that I’ve never experienced this kind of pathological infatuation before. That’s the catch, isn't it? I’m genuinely terrified that this feeling isn't going away. There’s nothing wrong with being nostalgic, sure, but this? This is actively interfering with my daily routine and my ability to function. 🤦