Posts by Olivia Smith2

Jessica Cooper5 said:Why haven't you switched doctors if this guy is such an idiot? Nobody needs a subpar physician, especially not someone dealing with diagnosed psychosis, managing medications, struggling with debt, and facing emerging addiction issues. Personally, I find that the "just pull yourself together" type of advice only serves to push a person deeper into the abyss. It might be wise to seek psychotherapy at a different practice instead. Dealing with a year of depressive symptoms and feeling like life is just a pointless struggle is not easy; believe me, I know.

My doctor was mainly focused on treating the psychosis—he didn't really care about anything else. Until a few months ago, the psychosis was my main concern and I just wanted it gone. It feels okay now, even if the meds make me feel a bit foggy. Luckily, he mentioned I might be one of the lucky ones where it won't recur. I should be tapering off the medication soon. Apparently, psychotherapy isn't always recommended for those who have experienced psychosis.

briskwalker10 said:What are you actually feeling in those moments? Is it anything productive, or is it just the same loop over and over? Hate, sadness, or something else entirely?

Don't beat yourself up thinking there's "no hope." Everything can be fixed... eventually. 🙂

Take that advice above regarding finding a new psychiatrist... do some research and see who actually knows what they're doing.

Most of the time I’m just melancholy—and I still find myself hoping we can find our way back to each other. Our relationship was incredibly intense. I didn't want to waste time, so I dated a few people, but it all felt hollow. Now I'm back to being alone and feeling pretty low. On the flip side, I get hit with waves of rage during the day. I'll feel like grabbing my biggest shoe and stomping on it—but of course, those emotions aren't particularly productive either.

Hope is really the only thing I have left—hope that I can eventually wipe her from my mind. Still, the fact that this is dragging on worries me. A whole year is a long time. I'm genuinely afraid that I haven't developed an obsession, but rather something more permanent. It's completely wrecked my confidence. If only we had broken up under normal circumstances, instead of her just finding a replacement. 😢

wearyeagle10 said:Of course there’s hope. If there wasn't, you wouldn't even be breathing right now.

You’re out here mourning someone who basically walked away without a second thought, just letting it all go. You need to wake up for your own sake.
She dumped you because you didn't hit her benchmarks—money, stuff, the lifestyle she wants. You don't fit her vibe because you can't provide what she’s used to... It's brutal... And then she moves on to someone else? Seriously? Look, please, do yourself a favor: stop grieving over someone like that and get your life together.

Gambling, drinking, rotting in bed all day... what kind of outcome were you actually expecting from those choices?
Kick the addictions and the weakness. Get to the gym, get busy, set some goals, make a plan—any plan. Even if it fails, at least you tried. Give it everything you've got. You matter to yourself now; whether you mattered to her doesn't mean a damn thing anymore.

The first step isn't even your problem anymore; the second one is.

There was a moment of clarity—I’d hit the gym for a month, run for a month, or work two jobs for two months—but eventually, I always slide back into old patterns. It’s easy enough while I'm awake and can use logic to manage things, but the dreams? I can't escape them. It's awful.
Just a few months ago, I was struggling with dyslexia, and the psychosis felt incredibly intense. And honestly, I feel such shame—if someone had warned me a year ago that heartbreak would wreck my mental health like this, I probably would have lost it on them. Now, I can barely look at myself in the mirror.

Jose Ward4 said:There is hope, man, if you wake up and realize that everything you're doing right now is wrong. Time will tell.

People like you are truly an inspiration. 🙂

My brain feels like total mush right now, so I’m just going to dump my thoughts here in hopes of getting some constructive advice. Thanks in advance.

The truth is, I'm worried I haven't actually developed an obsession. I broke up with my girlfriend a little less than a year ago, and honestly, it completely destroyed me. Right before we split, I ended up in the hospital with a diagnosed psychotic episode. Things are better in that regard—I'm only on 10 mg of aripiprazole, and I should be tapering off soon. We broke up because I wasn't financially stable enough to keep up with her lifestyle; she couldn't live the life she was used to because of me. Plus, Taylor Swift was the dealbreaker—my father had to move in with me due to his own health issues, which just made everything impossible. It all took a massive toll on my mental health and my self-esteem. It's hard to admit, but I'm ashamed.

The issue is that I think about her 24/7, even though it’s been nearly a year since we parted ways. I've never felt this kind of overwhelming wave of emotion for anyone else. I've told myself so many times that I won't check my phone or stalk her social media activity, yet I can barely look in the mirror because I'm still doing it. My days feel... bleak, to say the least. I come home from work feeling like I'm barely surviving and drowning in debt, only to lie in bed and check that damn phone every twenty minutes (and I've been doing this for almost a year!!!). My legs are constantly restless—I'm always twitching—I don't hang out with friends, everything feels dark, and sometimes I just wish I weren't here. Knowing she's moved on with someone else is killing me; I just feel inadequate. I'm constantly clashing with my dad because I can't seem to get moving. Days, months, years have passed while I've just stayed in bed. Maybe it's the medication, but I can't even enjoy reading like I used to.

I'm 29, and the lack of prospects ahead of me is just crushing—which, in my mind, is why I was left in the first place.
I'm at a loss. I can't take antidepressants because they might trigger another psychotic episode. My psychiatrist? Well, let's just say he's useless and treats my situation like a joke. The only things keeping me going lately are gambling and alcohol—my "newfound passions" that are actually just destroying me. 😢

I'm terrified that I haven't even reached clinical obsession yet. Folks, this has been going on way too long. This anxiety and suffering... it's just too much.

And honestly, I'm embarrassed to even write this. Before I met her, I was mentally tough—like a rock. I can't believe I broke down this easily and this quickly without a fight. Is there any hope left? 🙂 😠

Has anyone else dealt with combining Depakote and Aripiprazole? Both have actually helped me—mostly because I can't stop complaining about my lack of focus. Now I'm starting to wonder if I should have just kept my mouth shut... especially since they were trying to scale my dosage down to the bare minimum.

How long does it take for you all to reach a point where you can discuss your conditions with this much objectivity? Honestly, I’m feeling pretty scattered and out of sorts—a bit lost for words, really. Since I don't feel heard at home, I figured I'd vent here—maybe someone else is walking a similar path?

The main thing weighing on me is this sense of instability. Even now, just thinking about my ex and everything that went down triggers this lingering unease. I actually ended up in the hospital because I was convinced I was being played—like she and her circle were pulling some kind of elaborate scheme to control me—and I saw her as this almost mythical figure. It feels like the infatuation has faded, but these strange, unsettling sensations still wash over me when she crosses my mind. I'm not a fan, to say the least. I haven't mentioned it to my psychiatrist, though—I figured I could manage it myself. Was that a mistake? I know she's just a regular person, but the sensation remains so surreal.

Also, regarding that "loss of self" and the feeling that the world is muffled—that brain fog everyone talks about—I stumbled upon this: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clouding_of_consciousness. If anyone finds this relevant or feels seen by it, feel free to take a look.

What really gets under my skin is how everyone around me assumes I'm perfectly fine. Even my doctor seems to think so—it's frustrating when no one acknowledges that my perception of myself and the world has fundamentally shifted. Because of that disconnect, I find myself constantly pushing against the boundaries of what's considered "normal" just to cope with how unsettling this all is. It's exhausting.

Laura Castillo6 said:Honestly, it’s all about how the meds work. Based on the current hypothesis, these drugs basically block certain receptors, which helps dial down those positive symptoms—you know, things like hallucinations or losing touch with reality.

The whole dopamine hypothesis suggests that schizophrenia involves overactive dopamine levels. This idea is backed up by the fact that every effective antipsychotic out there works by blocking dopamine receptors, and their effectiveness really comes down to how strongly they bind to the
D2 (DRD2) receptors in the brain.

Since antipsychotics act as
receptor blockers, they actually vary quite a bit based on a few specific factors:
1) How intensely they block those dopamine D2 receptors
2) How quickly the drug detaches from the D2 receptor
3) Their affinity for other systems, like serotonin, histamine, or cholinergic ones
Following the dopamine theory of schizophrenia, all the antipsychotics currently used in American clinical practice are D2 receptor antagonists. {This was established back in the '70s, and over the last 20 years, it’s been reinforced by both PET and SPECT imaging studies
(Howes et al., 2009). The general consensus is that an excess of dopamine release in subcortical areas—specifically the striatum—or just heightened dopamine activity is responsible for psychotic symptoms, but also for things like mania, aggression, and tics (Correll, 2010). When looking at untreated patients with schizophrenia, they show higher dopamine levels in the synapses, meaning their striatal D2 receptors are much more occupied by dopamine compared to healthy individuals (Abi-Dargham et al., 2000). Antipsychotics essentially "cancel out" this surplus. Every antipsychotic we know of acts as a D2 receptor blocker, even if they do it at different percentages. It's thought that you won't get any antipsychotic effect if the D2 receptor occupancy is below 50%. So, when doctors are deciding on the right type and dosage, they have to account for how much the drug blocks those D2 receptors, because that's what drives the therapeutic effect, but also side effects .

Honestly, I'm holding onto hope that it really is the medication. If I'm being truthful, I feel like my concentration and memory are starting to come back, too. It feels strange that the recovery is taking this long, though—I'm still bouncing back even after being in the hospital nearly nine months ago.

My psychiatrist couldn't give me a definitive answer on whether the meds are the cause, but logic tells me this: since I'm actually aware that my perception is off—that everything feels slower and my focus is weaker—doesn't that mean I'm lucid enough to realize it? Otherwise, wouldn't I be totally unaware? Also, I'll admit—stupidly enough—that I had a little run-in with some cocaine a few months back which actually sharpened my cognition; I definitely wouldn't have been able to experience that if my brain were totally fried. So, we agreed to taper my treatment. Instead of 350mg of Trevicta, I'll be moving to 175mg once every three months.

I'm terrified that I'll spend the rest of my life living with "tunnel vision" and won't be able to pursue the career I've built. I truly hope this is my first and last psychotic episode—and that everything eventually settles back into place. As for the woman who triggered all this stress in the first place? Screw her. 🤣

Hi everyone!
I had my follow-up appointment with my psychiatrist yesterday. For some reason, I ended up acting like a total brat—just messing around the whole time. I suppose it’s just my defense mechanisms kicking in, right? 🤣

Anyway, I have about a year and three months left on my Trevicta injections. My doctor is actually going to cut my dosage in half now because I’ve been complaining about my lack of focus, poor concentration, and feeling mentally scattered—not to mention the hit to my imagination and creativity.

So, I’m really curious about something... I can't tell if this state I'm in is a side effect of the meds or just the illness itself. What worries me most is this shift in perception. It’s not that I’m hallucinating or losing my mind—at least, I don't think I am—but everything feels... off. The world looks like it's colored differently, and everything feels slower, as if my brain isn't processing data fast enough. I get fatigued more easily and my memory isn't what it used to be. The hardest part is that my sense of reality feels strange—distinctly different than it was before. Honestly, I can't even find the right words for it, other than "weird." It’s actually pretty scary; I often find myself retreating to bed just to escape "reality" for a while. I haven't found anything similar online—usually, people talk about hallucinations or lethargy, but nothing about this specific shift in perceiving reality following (my first) psychotic episode.

Has anyone else gone through something like this? How do you deal with it?

Jose Ward4 said:Man, when things go south for me... I know it's happening because the paranoia starts clawing at my brain. Like, just the other day, there was this massive brawl right outside my apartment building—maybe twenty people getting into it or something. Instead of just walking past, I was gripped by this intense fear that they’d turn on me next. It's like, does anyone know how people act toward bystanders? I was spiraling, thinking, "Is one of them going to come after me?" If it were someone else, they might have just kept their head down and walked by calmly. But not me. Paranoia and those darkest thoughts just take over. It was the same deal about two years ago. I was constantly running to the grocery store or dealing with paperwork for my apartment, and the police were always showing up at our complex back then. Back then, I had this super short haircut—I was basically completely naked on my head, if you catch my drift. My friends were even giving me grief about it, like, "Watch out, don't let the cops pick on you just because of your hair." And it worked; it triggered this paranoia that I was being watched. Even civilians. I can't tell you how long that lasted. Maybe two or three weeks? Then it let go of me. Generally speaking, I’m a paranoid guy. I’m hyper-vigilant. During my psych evaluation, my doctor told me I have heightened anxiety, but also that I seem incredibly rational. Well, who gives a damn? What does that even mean? How are you supposed to find love if you're just "rational"? To her, it means nothing. Love requires a good heart and kindness. Maybe I use that intelligence for my job, but that's it. I’m doing alright now, mostly, but man, these holidays are killing me. I feel so isolated. I’m just counting down the days until they're over. And all these people who used to reach out before, but now they won't say a word? Because they're too busy enjoying their little family gatherings. Honestly, screw them. I can do better than that. Wishing you all the best, truly.

I totally get it. I actually went to the police once during a psychotic episode—thankfully, I had a moment of clarity where I doubted what I was telling them and stopped the whole process before it went too far. I’ll be celebrating tomorrow, even if I’m not really in the mood. Hopefully, since there will be a crowd, I can find a quiet corner to just curl up and be alone. 😁 For me, it's mostly the nostalgia for my ex that hits the hardest—she has a boyfriend now, which is just brutal. That's when the endless, foolish scenarios start flooding my mind. I dated two different women in the two months since we broke up, but it wasn't the same. She was perfect for me, and now I'm just left picturing this goddess being happy with her new guy and having a blast during the holidays. Today, I actually managed to focus and process some of what I read. I really hope the only thing causing me grief is this damn crush that won't fade away. Maybe once my head clears, I'll be okay.

Do you get many chances to meet different women? Surely there's someone out there for you, too. Based on your posts, you seem quite composed—though I suppose I don't truly know what's going on in your head. Are you looking to start something new?

Jose Ward4 said:Visionary, hey there. Merry Christmas to you and your family. Honestly, this season is draining me. Things will get better, though. Eat some walnuts or almonds; they're great for brain health. And honestly, getting some fresh air helps a ton. Not to mention hanging out with people. That’s usually what settles my mind the most. But today? Today feels too quiet. Too still. I don't have a family here. Nobody cares about what I do or how I'm holding up. Everyone drifted away, and it wasn't even about health issues—it's just that people can be incredibly indifferent. And why should I be the one to call first? I’m just done with that. Real friends show up when things get rough. I'm looking at the New Year as a clean slate. A chance to actually start something new. Even work is weighing on me. It isn't what it used to be, though I suppose it could still become something better and stronger. Between my job and being glued to the internet, I’ve completely lost touch with dating, and frankly, I couldn't care less. Though, there are probably women out there feeling the same way. There are lonely women who might just want someone to be around for Christmas. Anyway, I didn't even feel like cooking today because I'm just exhausted by the thought of being the one making dinner again instead of someone else doing it for me. I cook with love, otherwise, it wouldn't taste right, but man, sometimes I just want to collapse into bed and have someone else ask me, "What are we having for dinner tonight?" I'm tired of cooking just for myself. This whole "independence" thing is exhausting. So, I ordered a pizza. A Capricciosa, because I'm just too tired to deal with anything else. Happy holidays to whoever can manage them. As for me, I'm heading off to eat my pizza.

I've been reading through some of your posts on this subforum, and I have to say, I really admire your strength. Seriously, hats off to you. Would you mind sharing a little more about how you cope when things get difficult?

I just took 10mg of my medication—feeling a bit more level-headed now—so I figured I’d try to get some thoughts down while I'm calm.

So, here's the deal: I've been diagnosed with F23.2. According to my psychiatrists, everything is technically fine, except for some "emotional issues"—but that doesn't really capture how I feel. My focus is shot; I'm planning to start a PhD program, yet I can't even bring myself to sit down and read. When I do manage to read something, I struggle to connect the dots or build a coherent argument. My ideas feel... off. It's not that I'm hallucinating, per se, but my analytical skills—which used to be sharp and confident—just aren't there anymore. Even casual social interactions leave me feeling foggy and confused. I tend to zone out of conversations incredibly fast, and during those idle moments, my head feels like a total nightmare. It’s as if my thoughts just lack clarity. I’m hoping this is just a side effect of the medication—specifically the injections I've been getting. Man, I really miss that dopamine hit. They told me my condition isn't heading toward schizophrenia, and I am sincerely praying they're right.

So, I wanted to ask—what kind of methods do you all use to sharpen your mind, boost concentration, or just help your thinking feel more cohesive? 🙂