Posts by Lawrence Allen49

Gerald Harris21 said:Lawrence Allen49, do you honestly think any of this would be happening if there was actually some love in the equation? I really don't think so... As for getting a divorce, honestly, it’s better to just go through with it—especially when you're dealing with someone like my husband. I'd rather scrape by on bread and salt every single day if that's what it takes, just to have some peace of mind and feel calm again inside.

Honestly, I think you're great.🙂

You know what's best for yourself. Look, I haven't been married—certainly not for ten years—but if I were to marry someone and have three kids, I'd want it to still mean something even after fifty years. Hopefully. But you've lived through it, so you're the expert here.

That said, if you think you'll fare better on your own (and like you said, you're already solo, so you know how tough that is), then I'm behind you.

I'm not telling anyone—especially not you—that you *have* to stay married. It's just that nowadays, people jump ship over things that could have been fixed, only to drift into new disasters that are way harder to fix than the first ones.

As for your husband, I'm not sure what to tell you. Honestly, I'm surprised he even caught your eye in the first place.😉 Ali, there are plenty of husbands like him out there today. A lot of "fathers" don't actually grow up until they hit 50...

The reality is that you and your husband have drifted apart. The question is "why." Try working on that first. If it still doesn't work... then leave. That’s what I’d do.

ps: Regarding your son, you need to be firm. It's just how it works. When he makes you angry, stop holding back or trying to be the "nice mom." Just blow up. Let it out, yell, and let him realize he's dealing with a different version of Mom.

It's normal for aggression and attitude to spike as they grow up. Us people on the forum can't really help much other than suggesting you lay down the law. You need to do it sooner rather than later, before he gets used to thinking you'll cave when he acts out. Not just him, either—any kid who does this.

You'll actually be helping him more than you realize by standing your ground instead of just nagging.

Eric Gray2 said:Lawrence Allen49, first off—she specifically said they’ve been married for eight years, so where are you getting this idea about them being together for ten?
Second, we aren't talking about gossip here; we're talking about abuse.
Third, staying in a toxic marriage can be just as damaging to kids as getting a divorce actually is.
Fourth, if she doesn't protect her child from emotional abuse—which includes witnessing domestic violence, and keep in mind, that violence can be purely verbal—then she’s just as responsible as the abuser.

Look, without wanting to offend anyone, I honestly don't care how people choose to live their lives or whether she decides to endure this forever—that's her call—but she does have an obligation to spare her children from it. A kid isn't acting out because they're "bad" (so there's no need for stricter discipline), it's more likely that they're just confused, terrified, and completely overwhelmed by the chaos at home, and they simply don't know any other way to let those emotions out.

I realized I misread that part—it said the kid is 8, not that they've been married that long. So maybe they've actually been together for 11 years. Austin Hill6 called me out on it, and honestly, looking at it now, Eric Gray2, you aren't wrong. 😁 So, let’s do the math. One year dating, one year having sex, one year of pregnancy, plus eight years of raising the kid... that’s eleven years minimum. :P

Would you really spend eleven years with someone you can't stand? Like, stay together long enough to have three kids? I highly doubt it.

Look, we’re talking about slander here. She straight up admitted she can put up with her husband. But the kids? That's where she draws the line. There isn't any actual abuse happening, but the kids are already out there on the streets running wild.

Look, Eric Gray2, I get where you're coming from, but let's be real—every single family deals with this stuff. In my house, we talk behind each other's backs constantly. My dad will throw shade at my mom, then my mom turns around and gives him grief right back. I usually just tune out the noise, try to steer them in a better direction when things get heated, and at the end of the day, I love them both. They care about each other too, even if they act like total jerks sometimes. Sure, we've had our fair share of friction over the last few months, but that's just life. You think families are some perfect Hollywood production? Think again. 😁

You're exaggerating. Seriously. You can take that whole argument and shove it.🙂 That’s just great. You went and put a dog like that in your avatar. Real classy move right there. 😁

Look, I've dealt with my fair share of family drama and gossip. My advice? Just tune it out. Ignore the noise and stay cool. Over time, things usually level out to a five out of ten anyway. Gossip is just a standard part of family life—it happens everywhere. If she works on her charisma a bit, she could be doing great in six months.

That’s going to happen in this house and the next one, too. Leaving is fine, but only once you've completely run out of love for everyone—for the husband, for the family, all that stuff. Once the feeling is totally gone.

Every marriage hits bumps in the road. People should spend more time learning how to actually navigate those ups and downs instead of just memorizing textbooks and theories about family life. Divorce... honestly, that’s always the last resort for me. It doesn't just wreck things for the mom and dad; it hits the kids hardest. I really have to wonder what goes through a parent's head when they decide divorce is their "only" option left. ☕

Gerald Harris21 said:It’s not about gossip for me, you totally misunderstood my point... I’m practically the one footing the bill for these kids on my own. I’ve been playing both mom and dad at the same time. Like I told you before, it absolutely cuts deep when someone tries to turn your own children against you. I would give my last drop of blood for them.

I didn't say anything against that. I'm just offering advice on how to fix a family if it's even possible. You've got an 8-year-old, so that's 10 years together. That's a long time. You don't spend a decade with someone for nothing.

I wouldn't act like that. If my wife lost her mind, I'd do everything in my power to get her back on track, even if it meant compromising my own ego. If I have a family, it’s pretty absurd to think I'm more important than everyone else—thinking I can "just leave" because my "crazy wife is acting out."

Divorce always brings a whole new set of headaches. I know, because I have plenty of female friends who went through it and are now single moms.

From where I'm sitting, here’s the issue: your husband is stuck in a "blood pact" with his mother. It's the classic old story—jealous mother-in-law vs. the sane wife. Instead of focusing on their family, they're busy talking behind your back. And now it's bleeding into the kids. That's something that can be fixed.

To break that alliance between him and his mom, you need to stop giving either of them even 5% of your energy. They need to realize they're wrong on their own. Stop being afraid of them. Don't react to whatever your husband or mother-in-law says. Just stay completely cold to it, like everything is perfectly fine at home. At least try it. 🙂

You're both parents. Leaving just creates more mess. Custody battles, child support, the financial strain, finding a new place to live... marriage isn't some nightclub you can just walk out of at 5 AM. 😁 And if he does the same thing in the next relationship, then what?

Look, if your husband is turning the kids against you, you need to show some teeth so he learns not to do that in this marriage. That's much easier than getting a divorce.

You might even be able to manage the mother-in-law so things run smoothly, but you have to keep your cool. That's really all there is to it.

Eric Gray2 said:But how exactly is she supposed to empower herself in a situation like this? Do you honestly think she can just wave a hand and dismiss them while her child is standing right there, watching his father subject his mother to domestic violence? How do you expect that kid to grow up with a healthy sense of self, or learn how to treat future partners, when he’s witnessing this kind of toxic dynamic from day one and absorbing these patterns?

The young lady uses some heavy regional slang, too—I doubt terms like "mental abuse" carry much weight over there. Honestly, those terms barely land here in the States, let alone in a place like that.

Bottom line: she has to stand her ground if she wants the talking to stop. Abuse is ultimately about power and control.

I mean, you don't just "move out" of your own house because someone’s badmouthing you, right?

ps: The damage is already done. To fix the situation, you have to change the dynamic so the scars fade. The best way to handle it? Just shut it down and walk away from the drama.

Gerald Harris21 said:I'm 32 years old... Honestly, man, reading your posts just moved me to tears. Thank you so much for being so incredibly generous and understanding.

32... yeah, we're basically the same age.😉 And thanks—glad to hear you feel that way.🙂

Just don't exhaust yourself trying to please everyone (especially your husband and mother-in-law). Focus on yourself. Be your own priority. Let them bark all they want; it doesn't matter.

If you show your husband and his mom that their opinions don't even register with you—including all that stuff they say behind your back—you'll finally become your own best friend. That’s what matters. Once you nail that, nothing will phase you anymore. Not even leaving if things get bad. Just focus on finding your strength.🙂

Eventually, those two will probably realize how stupid they were to talk trash about you. Anyway... never, ever look back at the gossip, now or later. If they want to bark, let 'em. They aren't worth the energy.😁

Gerald Harris21 said:My oldest son, who’s almost eight now, has started acting really aggressive toward his little brother... Honestly, I feel like I'm backed into a corner and it's just heartbreaking. I truly appreciate your response, but I'm such an emotional person and I'm just at a loss for how to actually handle this—it's tearing me apart inside. I sometimes wish I could just grab my kids and get out of this house, but I don't have anywhere else to go. I can't help but feel like as the years go by, we're just sliding deeper into a dark hole...

Being emotional is fine, but that shouldn't mean you run away with your kids. Besides, wherever you end up, the problems will follow—just in different forms, right? Where’s paradise? Nowhere. And if you're on your own, it’s the same story.

See? If it isn't the husband, it's the kid. If it isn't them, it's the mother-in-law.

Everywhere you go, you have to stand your ground. Let's call it fighting for yourself.

If you ask me, you look pretty torn, exhausted, and spooked by all this. Maybe even lost. These issues might have just worn you down and changed you. But try approaching them coldly—treat it like a task you have to complete—and things might actually improve.

Being a good family member doesn't mean "running away" from them. The problems are there; let's deal with them now. They aren't as scary as they seem.

The biggest issue is the husband, in my opinion, because he's anything but a partner. But if you show him you're stable, maybe some lights will flicker on in his head—like realizing he shouldn't be prioritizing his mom over his actual family.

Wait for the day you wake up feeling refreshed, think through everything (let these tips sink in), and then just take charge. 🙂 Honestly, you don't even need to explain yourself to anyone; just decide one day to be the "supermom."

Btw, how old are you, if you don't mind me asking? 🙂

Gerald Harris21 said:Hey there, my dear friends! It’s been a little while since I’ve popped onto the forum, so first off, I just wanted to send everyone a huge, warm hello. I’m reaching out today because I really need to vent and share some of the pain I've been carrying, and I’m crossing my fingers that maybe some of you might have some helpful advice for me... So, here’s the situation. I’ve been married for eight years now, and we have three little ones. When we first got married, my mother-in-law was actually living under our roof with us. After a few years, I finally managed to convince her to move into her own place, though it was a real struggle to make that happen. But if you think that was bad, things took an even darker turn last year when my husband decided to move into the basement level of our house. Honestly, ever since we lived together, he’s never been satisfied with anything—he finds a flaw in absolutely everything. He’s been verbally abusive and incredibly belittling toward me, and it gets even worse because he’s said such horrible, nasty things right in front of the kids. It’s been nothing short of a living nightmare. 😠 As for being a father? He barely spends any quality time with them at all. He never takes them to a soccer game or to an arcade or anything fun like that. The only time he ever really takes them out is for maybe thirty minutes to run into a betting shop or a coffee house, which drives me absolutely crazy. I can somehow find the strength to push through the heartache he causes me, but lately, I’ve noticed this massive surge of disobedience and aggressive behavior from my son, who’s turning eight in just a few months. I am at a total loss. What am I supposed to do? With three kids, the entire weight of parenting falls squarely on my shoulders. I am completely exhausted from running around all day, cleaning up after everyone, and then having to deal with the constant fighting and the aggression my oldest son shows toward his younger brothers. The stress has become so physical that I’ve ended up with three ulcers in my stomach, and honestly, I’m starting to get a little scared for my own health. I wish I could just cry all this pain away; I think it would make things feel a little lighter. Please, if you have any suggestions or advice, I am begging you—I feel like I’m losing my mind. 🙂

Look, it’s an issue, sure. But honestly? Don't overthink it. Just try to ignore what they're doing. Can you actually pull that off?

Just don't give them any oxygen. Your husband is going to react exactly how you expect him to, so once he’s finished venting, just go back to ignoring it. You can learn how to tune it out. It's a skill.

My husband is constantly being manipulated by his mother. Now that you've finally pushed her down a peg and moved her to the guest house, try actually standing your ground. Just leave her alone. It’s pretty standard for older women to survive on manipulation.

Taking the kid to a coffee shop isn't exactly high-brow parenting, but whatever. At least you’re actually spending time with him. Honestly, stop wasting energy attacking your husband or your mother-in-law. Just focus on your own life. Ignore them and try to get them out of your head entirely. It’ll probably take them about three months to realize you aren't playing by their rules anymore.

Quincy:

I manage to push through all the headaches he gives me, somehow. But lately, I've been noticing this massive streak of defiance and aggression from my son. He’s turning eight in a few months. What am I supposed to do about this?

It’s time to stop playing the saint and start being a lot tougher on your son. Push that discipline until he finally softens up. Honestly, there’s a good chance he’s being poisoned by his father, who's probably whispering in his ear that you don't matter. You need to prove him wrong. It’s going to take work, but you have to win your son back on your own terms.

Don't go out after 6 PM. Seriously. Unless you’ve got some damn good reason to be wandering around, just stay inside. Amen.

Give him a month of that kind of treatment and he'll be acting like a saint. 😁

Quincy:

There’s three of them. All the weight falls on me. I don’t have the energy to be running around all day, cleaning up after them, only to end the night watching them tear each other apart. Now there's even aggression being directed at my oldest son's brother. It's exhausting.

Who’s being aggressive here? Is it the kids? If his peers are the problem, then your husband seriously needs a reality check regarding how much he meddles in his own children's business. Go ahead, take the risk. Tell him he’s putting way too much pressure on both you and his mother, and maybe if he actually found a spare minute, he could try parenting his own kid instead. Jesus, what a man.

Quincy:

Stress finally caught up with me. I’ve ended up with three stomach ulcers, and honestly, I’m starting to get a little worried about myself. I wish I could just cry this pain away—it would make things a lot easier. Please, if anyone has any advice or suggestions, let me hear them. I'm at my wit's end here.🙂

Look, life isn't playing out exactly how you pictured it, but don't spiral. You have to cut down on the stress. You can't just let every little thing going on at home hit you all at once and beat you down. Stop letting those problems eat you alive.

Don't try to tackle everything at once. It's too much. Every morning, pick one small, easy task to knock out. Take this mountain of issues and face them "one by one." Just start fixing things. Once you get halfway through, you'll feel the weight lift. Give it two or three months, and things will slowly start looking up.

Dennis Wilson9 said:I have friends—some of them are really close—and of course, I’ve talked to them about all of this, and they’ve been a huge help. I’m genuinely grateful for them because, honestly, I don't know where I'd be without them. When I'm hanging out with them or just talking, I feel alright; they encourage me and help pull me back when my thoughts start drifting off in the wrong direction🙂 Quincy I'm not in constant contact with them, though... And when I'm not... everything just reverts to how it was before. My thoughts, all of it...

Maybe enough time hasn't actually passed yet for me to fully recover🤷

But I'm posting here and looking for advice because I'm terrified that I might never actually get better😢

Anyway, my ex—who I happen to work with now🙂—we were together for about two years, and the whole relationship was just... a mess. He has his "issues" and a pretty chaotic life, and I was right there by his side, trying to help him, pushing him to fix things, trying to make everything okay so we could move forward... But we didn't. In the end, he just stopped reaching out. So I'm left feeling disappointed. It's not even that I'm angry because I lost the love of my life or whatever cliché stuff people say, it's just pure disappointment... I put in all that effort for nothing; it feels like such a waste of time...

And now, I'm fine, I guess. I'm not crying, I'm not whining, I'm not depressed, but nothing just seems to have any point anymore... Don't get me wrong, it's not that life lacks meaning without him😂, it's more that I can't find the motivation to try at anything, like it's as if nothing I do will ever actually matter properly...

People always say time heals all wounds, but when you're pushing 30, time usually does more damage than good. So yeah, it's smart that you're worried. Honestly, the fact that you even care shows you're a solid person who looks out for herself. Stay that way.🙂 What's the point of playing these games with an ex? Are you supposed to feel like a failure because of it? Like you're... worthless? Just because one guy out of three billion didn't say, "Please, stay with me?"

Haha, please. You had zero impact on how things went down. If I'm reading the situation right, his own issues swallowed him whole. And they swallowed the relationship too. That's just how it goes, kid. I know, sounds a bit heavy, but that's just part of life—just like happiness. God, you could write books about it.😁 But whatever.

That relationship might just be a lesson... that it takes a hell of a lot of courage and risk to love someone who's struggling. Sad, I know.

Anyway, I think you're pretty great. If you're letting one mistake—one where you had absolutely no control, despite how much effort and time you poured into it—turn into some massive complex, well, it's kind of ridiculous. But it also proves how high-quality and considerate you are. That's the most feminine thing about it.🙂

You're a good person. One of those rare ones who should seek advice specifically so she can learn to respect herself, because that's what she deserves. You have to remember that sometimes... we actually matter.

And the people who truly try are the ones who understand that best, even if it feels useless right now.😂

Look, maybe it's time to stop looking back and start looking at yourself. You'll probably deny that you haven't moved on from the experience, but looking at this thread, I can tell you haven't.

Let it go. It's over anyway, and even if it isn't, you're just spinning your wheels.🙂 Ah, it's finally over!

ps: The silver lining of being played is that you finally figure out who you're actually dealing with. It's actually a good thing. Better safe than sorry.🙂

Dennis Wilson9 said:Actually, no—nothing truly terrible or ugly ever happened to me in the past. My life was actually pretty great, everything was just fine... and things always seemed to go smoothly, too. It was almost like this pattern where I’d try hard, stay a good person, act with integrity, and eventually get what I deserved. Everything was fine until that relationship and that one specific thing that just... completely broke me.

I honestly feel like a horrible person because I can't stop thinking that I'm the center of the universe and that I'm responsible for everything. For all the bad stuff, basically 🙂. I just find myself spiraling into these thoughts—that I should have done this, or that if I had been more of this or that... I should emphasize that lately, this has been happening more often than not...

So, I went looking for some professional help, and they actually had the nerve to tell me I'm just spoiled 🙂🙂

I am absolutely refusing any kind of "help" like that ☕

Anyway, does anyone actually have a recommendation for a different kind of support?

Yeah, sounds pretty awful, doesn't it? 🙂

Dennis Wilson9 said:Actually, no—nothing truly terrible or ugly ever happened to me in the past. My life was actually pretty great, everything was just fine... and things always seemed to go smoothly, too. It was almost like this pattern where I’d try hard, stay a good person, act with integrity, and eventually get what I deserved. Everything was fine until that relationship and that one specific thing that just... completely broke me.

I honestly feel like a horrible person because I can't stop thinking that I'm the center of the universe and that I'm responsible for everything. For all the bad stuff, basically 🙂. I just find myself spiraling into these thoughts—that I should have done this, or that if I had been more of this or that... I should emphasize that lately, this has been happening more often than not...

So, I went looking for some professional help, and they actually had the nerve to tell me I'm just spoiled 🙂🙂

I am absolutely refusing any kind of "help" like that ☕

Anyway, does anyone actually have a recommendation for a different kind of support?

I guess I could listen to a pro a little bit... you know... but not too much. 🙂

I wasn't talking about *that* kind of help. But hey, if you keep trying to "advise" yourself like this, who knows where you'll end up. You can't do everything alone. 🙂 All those "life is great" vibes won't pull you out of this. Let it go. haha.

And yeah. You need a friend. A good one. Got anyone? 🙂 Someone who can sit down with you over coffee at some quiet little diner and gently tell you that maybe things aren't quite how you're spinning them—and then just give you a nudge or a smile to make you laugh. Like, "Look, this all happened after that disappointment, and it doesn't mean anything." That's what they should say.

Actually, you need... 5 element 🙂

ps: So, tell us about this guy who broke things off with you. What was it about him that makes it hard for you to even look for someone else? To just be yourself again? It's dead between you two, huh? You mentioned back in the States that you used to drive everyone crazy with this stuff... 😕

Um, as weird as it sounds, sometimes it's better when a sunny day ends with rain, especially if the nights are boring.

Dennis Wilson9 said:Hey everyone.

I’m not entirely sure if this is the right place for this kind of thing, so please feel free to point me toward a better sub or just offer some guidance if you can.

After wasting a lot of energy on a past relationship and dealing with a pretty brutal breakup, I’ve undergone this massive shift—and honestly, I thought it was an upward trajectory. I won't bore you guys with the details of my ex or the relationship itself, but let's just say I've basically been tearing myself apart here in the States. 😉

Basically, I’ve moved on. I cried all I needed to cry, processed the loss, and eventually got over him... or so I thought. But as a person, I've changed in ways that feel unsettling. I've become incredibly self-critical and hyper-sensitive; I carry this crushing weight of guilt regardless of what I actually do. I'm constantly picking myself apart, and I just can't seem to relax. Not to mention, my sense of ego and self-esteem—which I used to have—seems to have vanished into thin air. 🤷 Who knows where they went?

On paper, life is fine. I work, I hang out with friends, I have good people in my corner, I exercise, I travel... things are okay. But the second anything goes wrong—even if it’s something minor—I immediately turn the blame inward. It triggers this flood of dark thoughts that spin into these elaborate, terrible narratives in my head. It spirals until I've convinced myself that everyone hates me, that everyone is gossiping about me, and that everything is my fault because I'm just a horrible person. Isn't that just wonderful?

Has anyone else dealt with something similar? How does one even start to help themselves through this?

Thanks...

Hehe, how sweet. 🙂

Just let me ask you one thing... why do you think you're a "terrible person"? Did something happen in your past that made you label yourself this way? Have you made enough mistakes in life that you've decided they define who you are?

I’m asking because that would be the starting point for fixing this, though I doubt you'll be able to pull yourself out of it alone.

crimsonbadger25 said:Even if I actually started putting in the work, I have a feeling I'd just slip back into my old habits after a day or two...

DG: A true product of the digital age. Try messing around and finding anything remotely interesting in the real world.

A psychiatrist might help, but you'd likely need a private one: P

Matthew Castillo5 said:

I’ve been thinking about this lately, and honestly? It feels like we’re all just walking around wearing masks, pretending we actually know what we’re doing. You see these people on LinkedIn or at some high-level corporate mixer in Chicago, acting like they have their entire lives mapped out, and you can't help but wonder if they’re just as terrified as the rest of us. It’s that classic imposter syndrome—that nagging little voice in the back of your head telling you that any second now, someone is going to tap you on the shoulder and say, "Hey, we figured it out. You don't belong here." We spend so much energy trying to curate this perfect, polished version of ourselves for the world to see, but underneath the surface, most of us are just winging it. I remember my first big role at a firm in New York; I spent half my time staring at spreadsheets feeling like a total fraud, waiting for the inevitable moment I'd be exposed. Turns out, everyone else was just as lost as I was. We're all just playing parts in a play we didn't write. kaže:
Look, it’s pretty simple: you need a dick. And I mean that both literally and metaphorically—in the bedroom and out of it. Women are out here suffering from a lack of masculine energy, and frankly, they end up resenting men for it. All this physical and emotional discomfort women deal with? It’s the direct fallout of centuries of toxic chauvinism, where men have spent ages trying to degrade women just to compensate for their own insecurities and fragile egos. The end result is a mess: a whole generation of frustrated women and an endless supply of idiots running the show. Honestly, a little bit of old-school chivalry wouldn't hurt most women. It’s not about being outdated; it’s just about basic decency.Just make sure you don't forget it. 😁

Here we go again. Honestly, I’ve been having this ongoing issue with one particular gentleman. He’s firmly of the old-school mindset—you know, the type who thinks being a "gentleman" means he absolutely *has* to pick up the tab for the ladies every single time. It’s his whole identity. Then there’s me. Growing up, I was obsessed with those classic Western movies, and I guess that translated into a bit of a competitive streak. I still play this little game of "who can draw their wallet first"—and no, I don't mean a six-shooter, just my purse. Well, naturally, I managed to outdraw him, whip out my credit card, and cover the round before he could even blink. The reaction? You’d think I’d personally stripped him of his dignity. He looked so mortified, almost like I’d emasculated him right there at the table. He’s been dodging me ever since. Apparently, letting a woman pay for a drink is a total dealbreaker for his ego. 😵

Pure idiocy. Personally, I think it’s pretty hot when a woman picks up the check. 🙂 Honestly, I was just like that first guy until I hit 21 and some girl absolutely tore my worldview apart because I wouldn't let her pay for anything. $17 I always managed to get there first, and there was no way I was letting her say no. 🙂

Avoiding you? Hmm... maybe he was just intimidated by you. Who knows. 😉

Rebecca Chase5 said:I asked about a community of convex types—whether the most convex would simply rise to the top or if the whole thing would fall apart.
The convex are always more persuasive; it stands to reason.
A captain on a ship... heh. I work in a similar field, and it seems to me that everyone occasionally desires to lead.
Natural laws govern our impulses.
And seeking counsel is perfectly fine; even the convex do it.

My bad. Spent too much time staring at my monitor today, clearly I can't "read" properly when I'm this zoned out..

A group of ten "alphas," just a pile of managers? Who knows. But I’ve seen this play out at a major firm back in the day. Everyone was supposedly "top tier talent"—just a massive ego cluster. They were constantly jumping ship, even the team leads. Most couldn't last more than two years in that kind of rat race.

So... looks like that circle is crumbling too.
The only ones left standing were the bottom feeders.

Two years... basically the lifespan of a modern American marriage, if you think about it. 🙂

Rebecca Chase5 said:I asked about a community of convex types—whether the most convex would simply rise to the top or if the whole thing would fall apart.
The convex are always more persuasive; it stands to reason.
A captain on a ship... heh. I work in a similar field, and it seems to me that everyone occasionally desires to lead.
Natural laws govern our impulses.
And seeking counsel is perfectly fine; even the convex do it.

Heh, I get it. Just offer them the position. They'll tell you real quick that they were just being "passionate" when they said it. 🙂

I remember another job where the entire production line lost its manager for a single day. We ended up missing 40% of our daily quota, even with two hours of overtime.

It wasn't because people stopped working—it was because nobody knew what to do, how to do it, or when to do it. I bet if you put a low-performer in charge on a ship, you'd see the exact same disaster. 🙂

Rebecca Chase5 said:But does a community collapse if there isn't a single concave person present?
What kind of relationship? Sexual?

Look, if you want someone to be submissive, you need dominance.
How can dominance even happen if both sides are submissive?

Submissiveness is impossible without dominance, and vice versa.

When a woman runs into a submissive guy, she just calls him "boring." Usually, there’s nothing to talk about, no drive, zero sexual attraction—the relationship just dies before it even starts. It’s impossible. Even when it comes to sex, everyone agrees they prefer people they can actually clash with, and for that friction to exist, someone has to be dominant.

As for a community made up entirely of concave personalities? Yeah, it’ll collapse. People will eventually drift toward whoever shows a bit of convexity.

It applies to everything. Sexual, friendship, politics, even... eroticism. 🙂 Everyone wants a captain on their ship, right? 🙂

I’m not saying women are exclusively concave and submissive, even if nature suggests otherwise. But if a woman is somewhat convex (meaning, let's say, more assertive 😁), she's naturally going to look for someone more convex than herself.

Because the concave is destined to love the convex.

PS: If a man acts as the convex force for a concave woman and lets her take control, he’ll end up alone. That’s the theory, and it’s the reality too. That’s why whenever a woman faces a big decision, she says, "Hold on, I have to ask my husband." 🙂 Or, if you're an investor, "Let me check with the CEO."

Lisa Hernandez3 said:It isn't quite like that, I suppose. I was actually just letting one of the ladies on the forum know that I'm female—mostly because she had formed an opinion on what I wrote based on the assumption that I was a man. Those kinds of reactions and interpretations really just go to show how much drama seekers love a good polarity. For instance, you see that sort of concave integrity from Dudekov over in Smalltown, USA.

I'm with you. That NBA dynamic shows up in MM, FF strict dynamics, and even mixed ones. Without at least one convex person—a leader—the whole community just falls apart.

The convex partner provides the confidence the concave one needs. If you have two concave people—both being submissive, for example—it just doesn't work. It's impossible.

That’s why a woman (who claims to be "oppressed" by this) who relies entirely on someone else's dominance... I don't know how she expects to handle a convex submissive. Heh.😁

Rebecca Thomas6 said:I totally agree with everything you said.
Yeah, I'm keeping it backed up in multiple places.

I've talked to him a million times, but it just doesn't work. Either it's not sinking in, or he just doesn't know how to help me.

And I also think the whole thing needs to be exposed.
I think it's incredibly demoralizing how Lawrence Allen49 puts her and people like her in the "normal" category. I don't know how professional he is supposed to be, but it's just wrong.
Because that's exactly the problem—everyone says, "Oh, just let it go, she's not crazy, she's normal, it's just stress or whatever" (stupid excuses).
Fine then, go live with twenty people like that in the same house without any issues since they're so "normal," and then we'll see what kind of nightmare you deal with.
I have nothing against you, but I think the biggest mistake is grouping people like that in with "normal" people nowadays.

Look, here's the deal—unless your mother is physically hitting you right now, she isn't doing anything that would make her a psychiatric case. If she actually were, she wouldn't be on meds; she'd be in a mental hospital. What you or I think doesn't matter. What matters is what the police and doctors think, right?

Maybe Grandma will help, but... don't count on it. She'll protect her regardless of the abuse because her daughter comes before everything else. So... yeah, nothing from her.

I'm not going to sit here on the internet and give you empty sympathy just to get likes or offer fake hope. There's something more serious behind this thread: one girl—you—who doesn't have a stable home life. That's just a fact. But half the country has absolute circuses going on in their houses (fighting, insults, drama), and if we judged by some "perfect life theory," half the nation would be in a psych ward.

Anyway, you have two options:
1. Wait until she attacks you physically and call the cops, or
2. Move out. You're an adult, so you have that right. Unlike a minor, she can't force you to stay under her roof.

(** Option 1: If it works, they'll probably put her in a Los Angeles facility for a month at most, and then she'll be right back home. Keep that in mind. And once that happens, you're really in for it.)

I don't think your mother is okay. I think she's toxic. You deserve parental love, obviously, just like any kid growing up in a decent home. You deserve good things. But you won't find those things through internet promises or digging through legal loopholes.

Plenty of people had terrible childhoods. Plenty of people moved out. Some took steps to fix things, like working on relationships and stuff.

Your mom is messed up. She's a manipulator. It's perfectly legal behavior. That's just how the world works.

I am on your side, though. I think you're a good person, and that's why I'm being careful with my words—I don't want you solving one problem only to create a much bigger one.

If you screw up, she has every right to kick you to the curb. And that would be a massive problem, wouldn't it? She could just say, "Tina, Ivanna, Martin—whatever—don't show your face here again tomorrow."

If you need a place to crash, maybe I can help, but once you decide to walk away from your family, there's usually no going back.

So before you pull the trigger on something like that—think twenty times. At least. Because then, everything—every meal, electricity, phone, internet, clothes, health, bus fare, water, heat... it's all on you. And that is incredibly hard for a 19-year-old dealing with college and everything else.

I'm just being realistic. So, tell me what you'd actually prefer to do, because this is the reality of the situation.

Honestly? Your mother is a victim of her own delusions. She's a victim of herself. Sure, she needs a psychiatrist, but not to the level of wearing a straightjacket. Basically, she messed up somewhere along the line, and that's why she is the way she is. We can talk more about that privately.

*******

@morbidangel

Good point about needing to discredit toxic people. But don't do it in their house, especially without legal grounds. Especially if you're sensitive and might end up on the street.

hiddensailor14 said:Lawrence Allen49, honestly, after reading through all that, it's clear that woman has completely lost it. She’s practically textbook material for a psychiatric evaluation.😉 And instead of helping, Rebecca Thomas6 is eventually going to end up looking like the problem herself because of this mess.🙄 You can be the kindest soul on earth, but if you take a constant dose of someone playing mind games with you, you’ll lose your patience. You either become totally numb, or you start using the same toxic tactics as a psychotic manipulator just to survive. Or, failing that, you just snap and head straight to the local dive bar to drown it all.😁

I’m fairly certain the grandmother won't say a single word against her own daughter. It’s that classic, spineless, masochistic mentality where people just let themselves be walked over.👎

Rebecca Thomas6, you aren't stupid, so tell me—why do you keep sabotaging yourself by handing over information that this lunatic is just going to weaponize against you later?🤷
Get yourself a digital recorder or just use your phone to capture some audio of these outbursts. It would be even better if you could set up some cheap webcams around the house to record everything, especially if she starts getting physical with the elderly woman.
I'm curious, how does her husband handle all of this?

And it seems like these folks actually know their stuff when it comes to similar situations.
http://www.redcross.org/
http://www.nami.org/
http://www.washingtondc.gov/socialservices
...

Yeah, next time she’s acting "normal" for those few fleeting hours, why don't you mention that you've been looking for advice online?🙂

Where does she get the will?
It’s what fuels her...😉

Patience, my friend, patience.

On top of that, there's the issue of dealing with someone who isn't even a mental health case—not by modern American standards, anyway. She's just a master manipulator and a total bully. In the end, she could easily spin a narrative to anyone listening, claiming she's the victim of abuse from some unstable girl, which is exactly what she's currently blathering about to everyone in the neighborhood. Would you want that label on yourself? How do you prove you're the victim? With words? That's why the police tell you, "Call us when it's actually happening."

Plus, her husband is home, her mother is there, and the neighbors are watching. If you shove her in jail, you might be opening a whole new Pandora's box, so you have to tread carefully.

And sure, IMD is great. Of course he is. But I don't think posting half-baked solutions online in the heat of the moment is actually enough.😉

Rebecca Thomas6 said:That would mean she’s unhappy with everyone...
For example, she isn't just working against me, she's actively sabotaging my dad. She’s spreading rumors, calling his boss at work, and talking trash to basically anyone he works with...
One time she was even crying on the phone to him, and when I walked in and saw her, she immediately shut down and acted like nothing happened...

Second: she’s physically hitting my grandmother—who is her own mother and 80 years old—and mentally abusing her while snatching her entire Social Security check. It’s like she doesn't see a single cent...

Third: she won't give me a dime. Not for rent, not for utilities, nothing. My dad ends up footing the whole bill...

Fourth: she trashes everyone she meets, acting like nobody is ever "good enough" for her, all while trying to suck up to them with this fake, sugary sweetness...

Fifth: she went crying to my neighbor, who is a total religious fanatic, telling her I take birth control. I actually *do* take it because of hormone issues to stay stable, but she just wanted to judge me because the church is against it...
And the kicker? She herself took birth control for 40 years for the exact same hormone issues...
Now tell me, where is the problem here?

The way she flips from being a monster to a "sweetheart" the second the phone rings is honestly terrifying...

Do you seriously think I'm just hurt by how she treats me? Or am I seeing that this person is toxic for everyone around her, not just me?

Look, you can also look at it this way: a dog that barks a lot usually doesn't bite. Your mother is living in her own little world, feeding off neighborhood gossip. In the first ten houses on my block, I’ve got at least four old ladies like that. 🙂

You think I care what they say? It’s actually perfect. They can think the best or worst of me—honestly, it makes no difference. And either way, I get zero benefit from their little spectacles.

The problem with these women? Maybe menopause? Regret over their own life failures and clinging to a messy past? Not being able to have kids? Bad relationships? A guilty conscience? Lack of class? Politics in DC? Narrow-mindedness? Who knows. Could be anything. 🙂

But there is one person who can actually do something about it if they have the guts: you. Through your actions, your attitude, how you carry yourself and what you say, you can influence all of that. You can change your mother's path, if you actually care enough to try.

She isn't a saint, but she isn't crazy either. But if you two keep clashing and hating each other, she’s going to spiral even more, and you will too.

I don't know if you're capable of it, but if you can push your emotions aside, cool down that internal simmer, and realize that people change their nature—and that what the neighbors think based on your mother's stories really doesn't matter—you might actually come out looking like a role model in that neighborhood. You could even open some new doors for your mom. Personally, I’d try that first, just for the hell of it.

As for the abuse, I'd like to hear more. I grab coffee with legal professionals every morning, and I know that these days, one slap in the house and you're headed straight to jail.

The choice is yours...

Rebecca Thomas6 said:That would mean she’s unhappy with everyone...
For example, she isn't just working against me, she's actively sabotaging my dad. She’s spreading rumors, calling his boss at work, and talking trash to basically anyone he works with...
One time she was even crying on the phone to him, and when I walked in and saw her, she immediately shut down and acted like nothing happened...

Second: she’s physically hitting my grandmother—who is her own mother and 80 years old—and mentally abusing her while snatching her entire Social Security check. It’s like she doesn't see a single cent...

Third: she won't give me a dime. Not for rent, not for utilities, nothing. My dad ends up footing the whole bill...

Fourth: she trashes everyone she meets, acting like nobody is ever "good enough" for her, all while trying to suck up to them with this fake, sugary sweetness...

Fifth: she went crying to my neighbor, who is a total religious fanatic, telling her I take birth control. I actually *do* take it because of hormone issues to stay stable, but she just wanted to judge me because the church is against it...
And the kicker? She herself took birth control for 40 years for the exact same hormone issues...
Now tell me, where is the problem here?

The way she flips from being a monster to a "sweetheart" the second the phone rings is honestly terrifying...

Do you seriously think I'm just hurt by how she treats me? Or am I seeing that this person is toxic for everyone around her, not just me?

Look, we're talking about this mom, right? We don't know the full story. We aren't living under her roof. And for the record, we actually want to help you. Think of it this way: we're trying to tackle this from the easiest fix to the most extreme one.

If she's physically hitting you and your grandma, look—I don't know if you've ever called the cops, but in the US, that’s a massive deal. That kind of stuff lands people in jail fast. If you and your grandma go to the police station, file an abuse report, and give a statement... things are going to get messy. Not even mentioning the legal battle over Social Security benefits.

You could always just tell her straight to her face to get her act together. Personally, I think Grandma would rather hand over some cash than see her own daughter end up behind bars, but hey, you never know.

Anyway, what city are you in?

Rebecca Thomas6 said:So you're saying this girl should also view those people as her mother and father and try to maintain some perfect relationship with them in the future?
Mine push me to work too, even though I'm a full-time student, and it's so hard to balance both when all you want is to graduate just to get away...
It's a long story and I'll write more about it later
Sorry, but I don't think I can wish for a "perfect" relationship with someone who ruined such a huge part of my life—from my favorite hobby to the friends she drove me away from... You can't exactly crave a connection with someone who constantly makes you feel like an intruder or an afterthought, cutting you out of every family decision, conversation, or trip... You can't wait for the day you become close with someone who is a total demon to you, but acts like a saint to everyone else—this polite, pitiful, victimized woman (I mean, who is she really?)
I sit there in silence every day through her twenty-minute monologues where she mocks me, the people I care about, my work, and everything that defines who I am...
Do you honestly think anyone wants a "super mom-daughter" relationship with someone like that?
And I don't call her "adoptive mother"—I only wrote it that way so people would understand who I was talking about and avoid any confusion about which mom...
I never saw her as an "adoptive" anything; I saw her as my mom. But she told me I was nothing more than a mistake so many times that I can't possibly see her as anyone important in my life...
Think about it... Put yourself in a situation where someone is constantly, intentionally, and maliciously ruining your life and trying to make you look like a complete idiot...

** That girl (the one I mentioned earlier that you brought up) left her parents only to walk straight into a situation that’s twice as hellish. We have to plan for the future using whatever resources we actually have, because things could get much worse. You're too young to handle the big challenges right now—like moving out or finding a shelter—so it's just not the time. Don't view this relationship as some grand tragedy; everyone struggles with authority figures and older people. Try looking at it through a more mature lens. I know, you need affection and love. Fine, let's try to create that when it doesn't come naturally. Let's figure out what's going on with your mom, find the reasons behind her behavior, her weaknesses, flip the narrative, and call it a day...🙂 **

I get where you're coming from, obviously, but there aren't many moves left to make right now. Your mom threw out that insult about you being an outcast because that's just what moms do sometimes. Whatever. Out of a hundred terrible things she says, why did you latch onto that specific one? Newsflash: you aren't an outcast because you have a mom and a dad. And hey, Rebecca Thomas6! If they weren't around, you wouldn't even exist, right? Case closed. Besides, in my book, orphans aren't kids who lost parents; they're parents who abandon their kids. And you're definitely not that.

Good grief, kid, don't let those low blows hit you that hard.

And look, what I really want you to realize is this: stop taking other people's (bad) actions as your own—even if they end up sticking to you like a label. It's vital. Of course you're sensitive, and of course it hurts when your mom acts like that toward you, making it hard to function as a human being, but... try to pinpoint the cause. Force a change. I mean, you aren't going to spend your whole life moving houses just because of someone else's stupid outbursts, right? Especially since there's more nonsense like that everywhere these days.

Believe it or not, you can turn the biggest angel into your worst enemy, and vice versa, regardless of your history or how long it's been going on. You can still have a decent relationship there; it'll just take some work.

As for your future, I'm telling you this: don't let her actions crush you or drag you down. Try ignoring the insults for a week. If you have to, just play along. Or better yet, lean into the absurdity of it all. Stand tall and try to react calmly while your mom realizes the nonsense she's spewing to the neighbors and everyone in town about her own daughter.

She's basically projecting a massive amount of dissatisfaction onto you (regardless of whether she has a reason for it). The solution to everything you're dealing with is finding the answer to one question: "Why?"

Give it a shot. If it fails, then move out.

It's easy to say, "Just get a job and move out." Maybe. But if you mess that up, this whole thing with your mom will eventually feel like a luxury spa day at a high-end hotel.

You're almost twenty now; start thinking clearly. This might take time, but you can influence your mom to respect you. At the very least, aim to get her to stop degrading you and badmouthing you to the neighborhood. That's a much easier goal than trying to graduate, work, and grind from dawn to dusk just to pay rent—all because of a "mom" you were supposed to leave behind.