Adoption: A beautiful gesture that can turn into a nightmare

I’ve been sitting on this for a while, wondering if I should actually start a thread and just lay my life out there. I really want to get some perspective from you guys—advice, stories, whatever 🙂

So, I’m 19. I was adopted as an infant when I was six months old. I don't know a single thing about my biological parents, and honestly, it never even crossed my mind to look for them. My current parents are my adoptive parents, and there’s a 40-year age gap between us. I don't know what the adoption laws were like back then, but that gap feels massive because of how we see the world...
My mom couldn't have kids, and my dad desperately wanted one, which is why I'm here. Everything seemed fine when I was little—maybe I just didn't notice things back then. I was basically a trophy for them to show off, the reason they felt like "perfect" parents to everyone else. Looking back, maybe they were just trying to fix their own insecurities through me. But now? My mother treats me like absolute garbage. She calls me trash, tells me I'll abandon my own kids one day, calls me every name in the book... she says the worst things imaginable. She turns all our neighbors and friends against me, and especially my dad. It’s like she’s jealous of him because he actually loves me, and she views me as her female competition. She tells me I’ll never amount to anything and that I should just be grateful I have a roof over my head. And yeah, I am grateful, but after years of this psychological abuse (and physical too), I feel like I'm living in a literal hell. She’d slap me or pull my hair out of nowhere. It makes it impossible to live a normal life. She harasses my friends, ruins everything I enjoy, meddles in everything, and just can't stop being malicious. She's disgusting. I can't stand to look at her or hear her voice, let alone be touched by her. She has these phases where she acts sweet, but it's a trap—she's just gathering info to use against me later. This is a huge story so I won't write it all now, but I need to know: who is responsible for letting someone end up in a family like this? I know my biological parents left me, but why did I have to end up in a house that turned my life into a nightmare? No matter how well I hold myself together despite everything, it eats at me. I want to fix this on my own. I've never been a problem child—I had straight As through middle school, went to one of the best high schools in town, and I'm in college now. I don't even go out much. I've never caused trouble. So, where is the problem? What did I do to deserve this?
I didn't report her behavior when I was a minor because I was terrified. You have to understand how hard it is to take action when you're that vulnerable; I was scared of what would happen to me, how I'd finish school, or even make it to college. I finally went to the police recently to report everything she's done, and of course, nothing happened. It's like they're waiting for someone to actually die before they show up and say, "Oh, another victim of domestic violence." They just play dumb. If nobody wants to step in for cases like this, then who will? She's clearly unstable and bipolar, but I'm not a psychiatrist and I can't fix her. And we all know people like that never admit they're sick. I get that it's hard for her not being able to have a biological child, but am I supposed to be her punching bag? No. And honestly, I don't feel sorry for her because she clearly isn't capable of being a parent.

Rebecca Thomas6 said:I’ve been sitting on this for a while, wondering if I should actually start a thread and just lay my life out there. I really want to get some perspective from you guys—advice, stories, whatever 🙂

So, I’m 19. I was adopted as an infant when I was six months old. I don't know a single thing about my biological parents, and honestly, it never even crossed my mind to look for them. My current parents are my adoptive parents, and there’s a 40-year age gap between us. I don't know what the adoption laws were like back then, but that gap feels massive because of how we see the world...
My mom couldn't have kids, and my dad desperately wanted one, which is why I'm here. Everything seemed fine when I was little—maybe I just didn't notice things back then. I was basically a trophy for them to show off, the reason they felt like "perfect" parents to everyone else. Looking back, maybe they were just trying to fix their own insecurities through me. But now? My mother treats me like absolute garbage. She calls me trash, tells me I'll abandon my own kids one day, calls me every name in the book... she says the worst things imaginable. She turns all our neighbors and friends against me, and especially my dad. It’s like she’s jealous of him because he actually loves me, and she views me as her female competition. She tells me I’ll never amount to anything and that I should just be grateful I have a roof over my head. And yeah, I am grateful, but after years of this psychological abuse (and physical too), I feel like I'm living in a literal hell. She’d slap me or pull my hair out of nowhere. It makes it impossible to live a normal life. She harasses my friends, ruins everything I enjoy, meddles in everything, and just can't stop being malicious. She's disgusting. I can't stand to look at her or hear her voice, let alone be touched by her. She has these phases where she acts sweet, but it's a trap—she's just gathering info to use against me later. This is a huge story so I won't write it all now, but I need to know: who is responsible for letting someone end up in a family like this? I know my biological parents left me, but why did I have to end up in a house that turned my life into a nightmare? No matter how well I hold myself together despite everything, it eats at me. I want to fix this on my own. I've never been a problem child—I had straight As through middle school, went to one of the best high schools in town, and I'm in college now. I don't even go out much. I've never caused trouble. So, where is the problem? What did I do to deserve this?
I didn't report her behavior when I was a minor because I was terrified. You have to understand how hard it is to take action when you're that vulnerable; I was scared of what would happen to me, how I'd finish school, or even make it to college. I finally went to the police recently to report everything she's done, and of course, nothing happened. It's like they're waiting for someone to actually die before they show up and say, "Oh, another victim of domestic violence." They just play dumb. If nobody wants to step in for cases like this, then who will? She's clearly unstable and bipolar, but I'm not a psychiatrist and I can't fix her. And we all know people like that never admit they're sick. I get that it's hard for her not being able to have a biological child, but am I supposed to be her punching bag? No. And honestly, I don't feel sorry for her because she clearly isn't capable of being a parent.

Look, let me offer a little consolation here. Biological parents can lose those boundaries just as easily as the adoptive ones you described. Honestly, they don't just do it—they do it constantly, often on the same level as what you went through. If I actually sat down to list every single way things can go sideways, we'd be sitting here all day.

Just as an example: you wouldn't believe how some wealthy families can force their daughter into working at a local betting shop just because she didn't finish college. She’d get harassed constantly, and then they’d basically bleed her dry by spending almost her entire paycheck on groceries—to the point where she couldn't even afford basic clothes. This went on every single month for two or three years before she finally walked out. I should add, she was living under their roof, essentially acting like a maid.

I won't even bother listing them. It’s weird how those "chaotic childhood stories" look almost identical in families with an only daughter between the ages of 14 and 25. I guess that explains why so many of these girls end up staring blankly at the idea of marriage, seeing it as their only ticket out of that hellscape. Jealousy? Maybe. But honestly, it’s more about who's running the show.

Before you hit sixteen, you’re basically just a collection of traits being shaped by whoever raised you. Once those boundaries start to shift, that’s when the real chaos begins.

Look, Ugl, I'll be blunt: your mom’s behavior is pretty standard stuff, even for biological parents. Being adopted has its pros and cons—don't get hung up on that as an argument. Even if you aren't blood-related, I'm sure you changed their lives for the better when you were little. They carry that with them. As for the way your "mom" treats you? That's the part that cuts deep, I get it. But honestly, it’s typical behavior for biological parents. It happens everywhere. If anything, it's probably even more intense with biological families. You won't find a single household in America without some version of this drama playing out.

Honestly, my mom was pretty much my biggest adversary growing up, even if she’d give me the world if I asked. We just don't see eye to eye. It’s that classic standoff—probably similar to how you and your mom deal with things. But hey, she’s still my mother. You can be an orphan or live in a mansion, but some people just have this internal script running that you can't ever really calm down. I stopped fighting it a while ago. I’ve accepted that’s just who she is. Fighting with your mom is a losing game; it’s pointless. And honestly? It actually hurts when you end up "winning" an argument against her.

Maybe that’s the way to look at it. You didn't say much about the rest of it—especially the stuff that made you lose faith in the police—but honestly, it’s better to just accept Mom for who she is instead of expecting anything else or trying to negotiate. Not that negotiation would even work anyway. Moms in their 60s can be way too radical. They have all this free time to obsess over things and dwell on whatever absurd ideas pop into their heads. Toss in some messy family drama and a lifetime of bitter regrets, and they eventually lose touch with reality. It’s a lot to deal with, especially for someone like you who's just starting to find their footing.

Since your only real issue is your mom, maybe you should just lay it all out for us. Tell us everything. We can try to "tweak" the situation if we actually know what's going on. If we can figure out what's eating at him, maybe we can find some specialist or a clinic to help him snap out of it and start treating you like a human being.

Look, just try to be logical here. You’re her kid; she’s your mom. Even when she’s completely wrong—just let her win. Stop treating her like some legal guardian and start looking at her as your mother. Maybe that's the only way she'll finally see sense.

I get it. You’re stuck dwelling on what happened with her, looking back at everything like it was some kind of disaster. But honestly? Stop. Look at where you guys are headed and what this new relationship actually looks like for your future. That matters way more than rehashing the past.

Lawrence Allen49 said:Look, let me offer a little consolation here. Biological parents can lose those boundaries just as easily as the adoptive ones you described. Honestly, they don't just do it—they do it constantly, often on the same level as what you went through. If I actually sat down to list every single way things can go sideways, we'd be sitting here all day.

Just as an example: you wouldn't believe how some wealthy families can force their daughter into working at a local betting shop just because she didn't finish college. She’d get harassed constantly, and then they’d basically bleed her dry by spending almost her entire paycheck on groceries—to the point where she couldn't even afford basic clothes. This went on every single month for two or three years before she finally walked out. I should add, she was living under their roof, essentially acting like a maid.

I won't even bother listing them. It’s weird how those "chaotic childhood stories" look almost identical in families with an only daughter between the ages of 14 and 25. I guess that explains why so many of these girls end up staring blankly at the idea of marriage, seeing it as their only ticket out of that hellscape. Jealousy? Maybe. But honestly, it’s more about who's running the show.

Before you hit sixteen, you’re basically just a collection of traits being shaped by whoever raised you. Once those boundaries start to shift, that’s when the real chaos begins.

Look, Ugl, I'll be blunt: your mom’s behavior is pretty standard stuff, even for biological parents. Being adopted has its pros and cons—don't get hung up on that as an argument. Even if you aren't blood-related, I'm sure you changed their lives for the better when you were little. They carry that with them. As for the way your "mom" treats you? That's the part that cuts deep, I get it. But honestly, it’s typical behavior for biological parents. It happens everywhere. If anything, it's probably even more intense with biological families. You won't find a single household in America without some version of this drama playing out.

Honestly, my mom was pretty much my biggest adversary growing up, even if she’d give me the world if I asked. We just don't see eye to eye. It’s that classic standoff—probably similar to how you and your mom deal with things. But hey, she’s still my mother. You can be an orphan or live in a mansion, but some people just have this internal script running that you can't ever really calm down. I stopped fighting it a while ago. I’ve accepted that’s just who she is. Fighting with your mom is a losing game; it’s pointless. And honestly? It actually hurts when you end up "winning" an argument against her.

Maybe that’s the way to look at it. You didn't say much about the rest of it—especially the stuff that made you lose faith in the police—but honestly, it’s better to just accept Mom for who she is instead of expecting anything else or trying to negotiate. Not that negotiation would even work anyway. Moms in their 60s can be way too radical. They have all this free time to obsess over things and dwell on whatever absurd ideas pop into their heads. Toss in some messy family drama and a lifetime of bitter regrets, and they eventually lose touch with reality. It’s a lot to deal with, especially for someone like you who's just starting to find their footing.

Since your only real issue is your mom, maybe you should just lay it all out for us. Tell us everything. We can try to "tweak" the situation if we actually know what's going on. If we can figure out what's eating at him, maybe we can find some specialist or a clinic to help him snap out of it and start treating you like a human being.

Look, just try to be logical here. You’re her kid; she’s your mom. Even when she’s completely wrong—just let her win. Stop treating her like some legal guardian and start looking at her as your mother. Maybe that's the only way she'll finally see sense.

I get it. You’re stuck dwelling on what happened with her, looking back at everything like it was some kind of disaster. But honestly? Stop. Look at where you guys are headed and what this new relationship actually looks like for your future. That matters way more than rehashing the past.

So you're saying this girl should also view those people as her mother and father and try to maintain some perfect relationship with them in the future?
Mine push me to work too, even though I'm a full-time student, and it's so hard to balance both when all you want is to graduate just to get away...
It's a long story and I'll write more about it later
Sorry, but I don't think I can wish for a "perfect" relationship with someone who ruined such a huge part of my life—from my favorite hobby to the friends she drove me away from... You can't exactly crave a connection with someone who constantly makes you feel like an intruder or an afterthought, cutting you out of every family decision, conversation, or trip... You can't wait for the day you become close with someone who is a total demon to you, but acts like a saint to everyone else—this polite, pitiful, victimized woman (I mean, who is she really?)
I sit there in silence every day through her twenty-minute monologues where she mocks me, the people I care about, my work, and everything that defines who I am...
Do you honestly think anyone wants a "super mom-daughter" relationship with someone like that?
And I don't call her "adoptive mother"—I only wrote it that way so people would understand who I was talking about and avoid any confusion about which mom...
I never saw her as an "adoptive" anything; I saw her as my mom. But she told me I was nothing more than a mistake so many times that I can't possibly see her as anyone important in my life...
Think about it... Put yourself in a situation where someone is constantly, intentionally, and maliciously ruining your life and trying to make you look like a complete idiot...

Rebecca Thomas6 said:So you're saying this girl should also view those people as her mother and father and try to maintain some perfect relationship with them in the future?
Mine push me to work too, even though I'm a full-time student, and it's so hard to balance both when all you want is to graduate just to get away...
It's a long story and I'll write more about it later
Sorry, but I don't think I can wish for a "perfect" relationship with someone who ruined such a huge part of my life—from my favorite hobby to the friends she drove me away from... You can't exactly crave a connection with someone who constantly makes you feel like an intruder or an afterthought, cutting you out of every family decision, conversation, or trip... You can't wait for the day you become close with someone who is a total demon to you, but acts like a saint to everyone else—this polite, pitiful, victimized woman (I mean, who is she really?)
I sit there in silence every day through her twenty-minute monologues where she mocks me, the people I care about, my work, and everything that defines who I am...
Do you honestly think anyone wants a "super mom-daughter" relationship with someone like that?
And I don't call her "adoptive mother"—I only wrote it that way so people would understand who I was talking about and avoid any confusion about which mom...
I never saw her as an "adoptive" anything; I saw her as my mom. But she told me I was nothing more than a mistake so many times that I can't possibly see her as anyone important in my life...
Think about it... Put yourself in a situation where someone is constantly, intentionally, and maliciously ruining your life and trying to make you look like a complete idiot...

** That girl (the one I mentioned earlier that you brought up) left her parents only to walk straight into a situation that’s twice as hellish. We have to plan for the future using whatever resources we actually have, because things could get much worse. You're too young to handle the big challenges right now—like moving out or finding a shelter—so it's just not the time. Don't view this relationship as some grand tragedy; everyone struggles with authority figures and older people. Try looking at it through a more mature lens. I know, you need affection and love. Fine, let's try to create that when it doesn't come naturally. Let's figure out what's going on with your mom, find the reasons behind her behavior, her weaknesses, flip the narrative, and call it a day...🙂 **

I get where you're coming from, obviously, but there aren't many moves left to make right now. Your mom threw out that insult about you being an outcast because that's just what moms do sometimes. Whatever. Out of a hundred terrible things she says, why did you latch onto that specific one? Newsflash: you aren't an outcast because you have a mom and a dad. And hey, Rebecca Thomas6! If they weren't around, you wouldn't even exist, right? Case closed. Besides, in my book, orphans aren't kids who lost parents; they're parents who abandon their kids. And you're definitely not that.

Good grief, kid, don't let those low blows hit you that hard.

And look, what I really want you to realize is this: stop taking other people's (bad) actions as your own—even if they end up sticking to you like a label. It's vital. Of course you're sensitive, and of course it hurts when your mom acts like that toward you, making it hard to function as a human being, but... try to pinpoint the cause. Force a change. I mean, you aren't going to spend your whole life moving houses just because of someone else's stupid outbursts, right? Especially since there's more nonsense like that everywhere these days.

Believe it or not, you can turn the biggest angel into your worst enemy, and vice versa, regardless of your history or how long it's been going on. You can still have a decent relationship there; it'll just take some work.

As for your future, I'm telling you this: don't let her actions crush you or drag you down. Try ignoring the insults for a week. If you have to, just play along. Or better yet, lean into the absurdity of it all. Stand tall and try to react calmly while your mom realizes the nonsense she's spewing to the neighbors and everyone in town about her own daughter.

She's basically projecting a massive amount of dissatisfaction onto you (regardless of whether she has a reason for it). The solution to everything you're dealing with is finding the answer to one question: "Why?"

Give it a shot. If it fails, then move out.

It's easy to say, "Just get a job and move out." Maybe. But if you mess that up, this whole thing with your mom will eventually feel like a luxury spa day at a high-end hotel.

You're almost twenty now; start thinking clearly. This might take time, but you can influence your mom to respect you. At the very least, aim to get her to stop degrading you and badmouthing you to the neighborhood. That's a much easier goal than trying to graduate, work, and grind from dawn to dusk just to pay rent—all because of a "mom" you were supposed to leave behind.

Rebecca Thomas6 said:I’ve been sitting on this for a while, wondering if I should actually start a thread and just lay my life out there. I really want to get some perspective from you guys—advice, stories, whatever 🙂

So, I’m 19. I was adopted as an infant when I was six months old. I don't know a single thing about my biological parents, and honestly, it never even crossed my mind to look for them. My current parents are my adoptive parents, and there’s a 40-year age gap between us. I don't know what the adoption laws were like back then, but that gap feels massive because of how we see the world...
My mom couldn't have kids, and my dad desperately wanted one, which is why I'm here. Everything seemed fine when I was little—maybe I just didn't notice things back then. I was basically a trophy for them to show off, the reason they felt like "perfect" parents to everyone else. Looking back, maybe they were just trying to fix their own insecurities through me. But now? My mother treats me like absolute garbage. She calls me trash, tells me I'll abandon my own kids one day, calls me every name in the book... she says the worst things imaginable. She turns all our neighbors and friends against me, and especially my dad. It’s like she’s jealous of him because he actually loves me, and she views me as her female competition. She tells me I’ll never amount to anything and that I should just be grateful I have a roof over my head. And yeah, I am grateful, but after years of this psychological abuse (and physical too), I feel like I'm living in a literal hell. She’d slap me or pull my hair out of nowhere. It makes it impossible to live a normal life. She harasses my friends, ruins everything I enjoy, meddles in everything, and just can't stop being malicious. She's disgusting. I can't stand to look at her or hear her voice, let alone be touched by her. She has these phases where she acts sweet, but it's a trap—she's just gathering info to use against me later. This is a huge story so I won't write it all now, but I need to know: who is responsible for letting someone end up in a family like this? I know my biological parents left me, but why did I have to end up in a house that turned my life into a nightmare? No matter how well I hold myself together despite everything, it eats at me. I want to fix this on my own. I've never been a problem child—I had straight As through middle school, went to one of the best high schools in town, and I'm in college now. I don't even go out much. I've never caused trouble. So, where is the problem? What did I do to deserve this?
I didn't report her behavior when I was a minor because I was terrified. You have to understand how hard it is to take action when you're that vulnerable; I was scared of what would happen to me, how I'd finish school, or even make it to college. I finally went to the police recently to report everything she's done, and of course, nothing happened. It's like they're waiting for someone to actually die before they show up and say, "Oh, another victim of domestic violence." They just play dumb. If nobody wants to step in for cases like this, then who will? She's clearly unstable and bipolar, but I'm not a psychiatrist and I can't fix her. And we all know people like that never admit they're sick. I get that it's hard for her not being able to have a biological child, but am I supposed to be her punching bag? No. And honestly, I don't feel sorry for her because she clearly isn't capable of being a parent.

If you're living in hell, why would you consciously prolong the agony by enrolling in college...? Also, what kind of info is she gathering to destroy you (during those "sweet" periods)????

Maybe you should let her touch you. 🙂
People can become even more intensely malicious when they feel unloved, or perhaps they feel their pathetic attempts to fix things aren't being noticed. Who knows, maybe she just craves affection. 🤷 ...

I don't like the title. It could have easily been: retaining a biological child—a natural act that can become a living hell for some—the result remains the same.

Adam Miller46 said:If you're living in hell, why would you consciously prolong the agony by enrolling in college...? Also, what kind of info is she gathering to destroy you (during those "sweet" periods)????

Maybe you should let her touch you. 🙂
People can become even more intensely malicious when they feel unloved, or perhaps they feel their pathetic attempts to fix things aren't being noticed. Who knows, maybe she just craves affection. 🤷 ...

I don't like the title. It could have easily been: retaining a biological child—a natural act that can become a living hell for some—the result remains the same.

Just because I finished high school and can do whatever I want, even though they forced me into college, that's why.

Information like who I hang out with, or maybe who I'm dating... later she calls those people and harasses them, telling them they have to help her because I'm "sick" (???) and all that.
She has this drive to push everyone away from me so I'll be left alone, because that's what makes her happy.

It's not like she *needs* to touch me or be decent to me; if she actually wanted to, she would.
I told her to try being normal toward me for just three days, but she couldn't even last three hours...

Lawrence Allen49 said:** That girl (the one I mentioned earlier that you brought up) left her parents only to walk straight into a situation that’s twice as hellish. We have to plan for the future using whatever resources we actually have, because things could get much worse. You're too young to handle the big challenges right now—like moving out or finding a shelter—so it's just not the time. Don't view this relationship as some grand tragedy; everyone struggles with authority figures and older people. Try looking at it through a more mature lens. I know, you need affection and love. Fine, let's try to create that when it doesn't come naturally. Let's figure out what's going on with your mom, find the reasons behind her behavior, her weaknesses, flip the narrative, and call it a day...🙂 **

I get where you're coming from, obviously, but there aren't many moves left to make right now. Your mom threw out that insult about you being an outcast because that's just what moms do sometimes. Whatever. Out of a hundred terrible things she says, why did you latch onto that specific one? Newsflash: you aren't an outcast because you have a mom and a dad. And hey, Rebecca Thomas6! If they weren't around, you wouldn't even exist, right? Case closed. Besides, in my book, orphans aren't kids who lost parents; they're parents who abandon their kids. And you're definitely not that.

Good grief, kid, don't let those low blows hit you that hard.

And look, what I really want you to realize is this: stop taking other people's (bad) actions as your own—even if they end up sticking to you like a label. It's vital. Of course you're sensitive, and of course it hurts when your mom acts like that toward you, making it hard to function as a human being, but... try to pinpoint the cause. Force a change. I mean, you aren't going to spend your whole life moving houses just because of someone else's stupid outbursts, right? Especially since there's more nonsense like that everywhere these days.

Believe it or not, you can turn the biggest angel into your worst enemy, and vice versa, regardless of your history or how long it's been going on. You can still have a decent relationship there; it'll just take some work.

As for your future, I'm telling you this: don't let her actions crush you or drag you down. Try ignoring the insults for a week. If you have to, just play along. Or better yet, lean into the absurdity of it all. Stand tall and try to react calmly while your mom realizes the nonsense she's spewing to the neighbors and everyone in town about her own daughter.

She's basically projecting a massive amount of dissatisfaction onto you (regardless of whether she has a reason for it). The solution to everything you're dealing with is finding the answer to one question: "Why?"

Give it a shot. If it fails, then move out.

It's easy to say, "Just get a job and move out." Maybe. But if you mess that up, this whole thing with your mom will eventually feel like a luxury spa day at a high-end hotel.

You're almost twenty now; start thinking clearly. This might take time, but you can influence your mom to respect you. At the very least, aim to get her to stop degrading you and badmouthing you to the neighborhood. That's a much easier goal than trying to graduate, work, and grind from dawn to dusk just to pay rent—all because of a "mom" you were supposed to leave behind.

That would mean she’s unhappy with everyone...
For example, she isn't just working against me, she's actively sabotaging my dad. She’s spreading rumors, calling his boss at work, and talking trash to basically anyone he works with...
One time she was even crying on the phone to him, and when I walked in and saw her, she immediately shut down and acted like nothing happened...

Second: she’s physically hitting my grandmother—who is her own mother and 80 years old—and mentally abusing her while snatching her entire Social Security check. It’s like she doesn't see a single cent...

Third: she won't give me a dime. Not for rent, not for utilities, nothing. My dad ends up footing the whole bill...

Fourth: she trashes everyone she meets, acting like nobody is ever "good enough" for her, all while trying to suck up to them with this fake, sugary sweetness...

Fifth: she went crying to my neighbor, who is a total religious fanatic, telling her I take birth control. I actually *do* take it because of hormone issues to stay stable, but she just wanted to judge me because the church is against it...
And the kicker? She herself took birth control for 40 years for the exact same hormone issues...
Now tell me, where is the problem here?

The way she flips from being a monster to a "sweetheart" the second the phone rings is honestly terrifying...

Do you seriously think I'm just hurt by how she treats me? Or am I seeing that this person is toxic for everyone around her, not just me?

Rebecca Thomas6 said:That would mean she’s unhappy with everyone...
For example, she isn't just working against me, she's actively sabotaging my dad. She’s spreading rumors, calling his boss at work, and talking trash to basically anyone he works with...
One time she was even crying on the phone to him, and when I walked in and saw her, she immediately shut down and acted like nothing happened...

Second: she’s physically hitting my grandmother—who is her own mother and 80 years old—and mentally abusing her while snatching her entire Social Security check. It’s like she doesn't see a single cent...

Third: she won't give me a dime. Not for rent, not for utilities, nothing. My dad ends up footing the whole bill...

Fourth: she trashes everyone she meets, acting like nobody is ever "good enough" for her, all while trying to suck up to them with this fake, sugary sweetness...

Fifth: she went crying to my neighbor, who is a total religious fanatic, telling her I take birth control. I actually *do* take it because of hormone issues to stay stable, but she just wanted to judge me because the church is against it...
And the kicker? She herself took birth control for 40 years for the exact same hormone issues...
Now tell me, where is the problem here?

The way she flips from being a monster to a "sweetheart" the second the phone rings is honestly terrifying...

Do you seriously think I'm just hurt by how she treats me? Or am I seeing that this person is toxic for everyone around her, not just me?

Look, we're talking about this mom, right? We don't know the full story. We aren't living under her roof. And for the record, we actually want to help you. Think of it this way: we're trying to tackle this from the easiest fix to the most extreme one.

If she's physically hitting you and your grandma, look—I don't know if you've ever called the cops, but in the US, that’s a massive deal. That kind of stuff lands people in jail fast. If you and your grandma go to the police station, file an abuse report, and give a statement... things are going to get messy. Not even mentioning the legal battle over Social Security benefits.

You could always just tell her straight to her face to get her act together. Personally, I think Grandma would rather hand over some cash than see her own daughter end up behind bars, but hey, you never know.

Anyway, what city are you in?

Rebecca Thomas6 said:That would mean she’s unhappy with everyone...
For example, she isn't just working against me, she's actively sabotaging my dad. She’s spreading rumors, calling his boss at work, and talking trash to basically anyone he works with...
One time she was even crying on the phone to him, and when I walked in and saw her, she immediately shut down and acted like nothing happened...

Second: she’s physically hitting my grandmother—who is her own mother and 80 years old—and mentally abusing her while snatching her entire Social Security check. It’s like she doesn't see a single cent...

Third: she won't give me a dime. Not for rent, not for utilities, nothing. My dad ends up footing the whole bill...

Fourth: she trashes everyone she meets, acting like nobody is ever "good enough" for her, all while trying to suck up to them with this fake, sugary sweetness...

Fifth: she went crying to my neighbor, who is a total religious fanatic, telling her I take birth control. I actually *do* take it because of hormone issues to stay stable, but she just wanted to judge me because the church is against it...
And the kicker? She herself took birth control for 40 years for the exact same hormone issues...
Now tell me, where is the problem here?

The way she flips from being a monster to a "sweetheart" the second the phone rings is honestly terrifying...

Do you seriously think I'm just hurt by how she treats me? Or am I seeing that this person is toxic for everyone around her, not just me?

Look, you can also look at it this way: a dog that barks a lot usually doesn't bite. Your mother is living in her own little world, feeding off neighborhood gossip. In the first ten houses on my block, I’ve got at least four old ladies like that. 🙂

You think I care what they say? It’s actually perfect. They can think the best or worst of me—honestly, it makes no difference. And either way, I get zero benefit from their little spectacles.

The problem with these women? Maybe menopause? Regret over their own life failures and clinging to a messy past? Not being able to have kids? Bad relationships? A guilty conscience? Lack of class? Politics in DC? Narrow-mindedness? Who knows. Could be anything. 🙂

But there is one person who can actually do something about it if they have the guts: you. Through your actions, your attitude, how you carry yourself and what you say, you can influence all of that. You can change your mother's path, if you actually care enough to try.

She isn't a saint, but she isn't crazy either. But if you two keep clashing and hating each other, she’s going to spiral even more, and you will too.

I don't know if you're capable of it, but if you can push your emotions aside, cool down that internal simmer, and realize that people change their nature—and that what the neighbors think based on your mother's stories really doesn't matter—you might actually come out looking like a role model in that neighborhood. You could even open some new doors for your mom. Personally, I’d try that first, just for the hell of it.

As for the abuse, I'd like to hear more. I grab coffee with legal professionals every morning, and I know that these days, one slap in the house and you're headed straight to jail.

The choice is yours...

Lawrence Allen49 said:Look, we're talking about this mom, right? We don't know the full story. We aren't living under her roof. And for the record, we actually want to help you. Think of it this way: we're trying to tackle this from the easiest fix to the most extreme one.

If she's physically hitting you and your grandma, look—I don't know if you've ever called the cops, but in the US, that’s a massive deal. That kind of stuff lands people in jail fast. If you and your grandma go to the police station, file an abuse report, and give a statement... things are going to get messy. Not even mentioning the legal battle over Social Security benefits.

You could always just tell her straight to her face to get her act together. Personally, I think Grandma would rather hand over some cash than see her own daughter end up behind bars, but hey, you never know.

Anyway, what city are you in?

I honestly think Grandma would rather stay quiet and take the hits than put her in prison.
Washington, D.C.

Lawrence Allen49 said:Look, you can also look at it this way: a dog that barks a lot usually doesn't bite. Your mother is living in her own little world, feeding off neighborhood gossip. In the first ten houses on my block, I’ve got at least four old ladies like that. 🙂

You think I care what they say? It’s actually perfect. They can think the best or worst of me—honestly, it makes no difference. And either way, I get zero benefit from their little spectacles.

The problem with these women? Maybe menopause? Regret over their own life failures and clinging to a messy past? Not being able to have kids? Bad relationships? A guilty conscience? Lack of class? Politics in DC? Narrow-mindedness? Who knows. Could be anything. 🙂

But there is one person who can actually do something about it if they have the guts: you. Through your actions, your attitude, how you carry yourself and what you say, you can influence all of that. You can change your mother's path, if you actually care enough to try.

She isn't a saint, but she isn't crazy either. But if you two keep clashing and hating each other, she’s going to spiral even more, and you will too.

I don't know if you're capable of it, but if you can push your emotions aside, cool down that internal simmer, and realize that people change their nature—and that what the neighbors think based on your mother's stories really doesn't matter—you might actually come out looking like a role model in that neighborhood. You could even open some new doors for your mom. Personally, I’d try that first, just for the hell of it.

As for the abuse, I'd like to hear more. I grab coffee with legal professionals every morning, and I know that these days, one slap in the house and you're headed straight to jail.

The choice is yours...

Yeah, the choice is mine, and I already went to the police to file a report, but then everything just stalled. It’s because they basically wait until someone actually kills someone else before they bother to react. They told me to call them next time it happens so they can "intervene," but we all know nothing will happen. It's a systemic issue. The cops never actually do anything about these reports. Just look at the news—a husband kills his wife, and they mention she reported him, yet what did the authorities do? Absolutely nothing.
With everything she put me through, I think she'd be looking at life in prison.
I don't want to get into all the details of the abuse here, but I'll shoot you a private message when I have a chance, okay?

I honestly can't wrap my head around how someone who isn't even part of your family—especially when you *know* they aren't—can get under your skin and throw you totally out of whack like that... Seriously, when you're dealing with people that frustrated, the best move is just to shut down, tune them out, and let them vent into the void, because the second they feel you pushing back, they just double down and get even worse. And honestly, why even care what anyone thinks about you when everyone already knows she's just mentally unstable? Nobody takes people seriously when they're constantly running their mouths like that, so it’s on her, not you. Hang in there.
👍

goldeneagle8 said:I honestly can't wrap my head around how someone who isn't even part of your family—especially when you *know* they aren't—can get under your skin and throw you totally out of whack like that... Seriously, when you're dealing with people that frustrated, the best move is just to shut down, tune them out, and let them vent into the void, because the second they feel you pushing back, they just double down and get even worse. And honestly, why even care what anyone thinks about you when everyone already knows she's just mentally unstable? Nobody takes people seriously when they're constantly running their mouths like that, so it’s on her, not you. Hang in there.
👍

Trust me, it happens when they start meddling in your actual life. I try to stay out of it and shut down, but she just won't stop. I have no idea where she gets the energy or the nerve...

thanks 🙂

Lawrence Allen49, honestly, after reading through all that, it's clear that woman has completely lost it. She’s practically textbook material for a psychiatric evaluation.😉 And instead of helping, Rebecca Thomas6 is eventually going to end up looking like the problem herself because of this mess.🙄 You can be the kindest soul on earth, but if you take a constant dose of someone playing mind games with you, you’ll lose your patience. You either become totally numb, or you start using the same toxic tactics as a psychotic manipulator just to survive. Or, failing that, you just snap and head straight to the local dive bar to drown it all.😁

I’m fairly certain the grandmother won't say a single word against her own daughter. It’s that classic, spineless, masochistic mentality where people just let themselves be walked over.👎

Rebecca Thomas6, you aren't stupid, so tell me—why do you keep sabotaging yourself by handing over information that this lunatic is just going to weaponize against you later?🤷
Get yourself a digital recorder or just use your phone to capture some audio of these outbursts. It would be even better if you could set up some cheap webcams around the house to record everything, especially if she starts getting physical with the elderly woman.
I'm curious, how does her husband handle all of this?

And it seems like these folks actually know their stuff when it comes to similar situations.
http://www.redcross.org/
http://www.nami.org/
http://www.washingtondc.gov/socialservices
...

Yeah, next time she’s acting "normal" for those few fleeting hours, why don't you mention that you've been looking for advice online?🙂

Rebecca Thomas6 said:Trust me, it happens when they start meddling in your actual life. I try to stay out of it and shut down, but she just won't stop. I have no idea where she gets the energy or the nerve...

thanks 🙂

Where does she get the will?
It’s what fuels her...😉

hiddensailor14 said:Lawrence Allen49, honestly, after reading through all that, it's clear that woman has completely lost it. She’s practically textbook material for a psychiatric evaluation.😉 And instead of helping, Rebecca Thomas6 is eventually going to end up looking like the problem herself because of this mess.🙄 You can be the kindest soul on earth, but if you take a constant dose of someone playing mind games with you, you’ll lose your patience. You either become totally numb, or you start using the same toxic tactics as a psychotic manipulator just to survive. Or, failing that, you just snap and head straight to the local dive bar to drown it all.😁

I’m fairly certain the grandmother won't say a single word against her own daughter. It’s that classic, spineless, masochistic mentality where people just let themselves be walked over.👎

Rebecca Thomas6, you aren't stupid, so tell me—why do you keep sabotaging yourself by handing over information that this lunatic is just going to weaponize against you later?🤷
Get yourself a digital recorder or just use your phone to capture some audio of these outbursts. It would be even better if you could set up some cheap webcams around the house to record everything, especially if she starts getting physical with the elderly woman.
I'm curious, how does her husband handle all of this?

And it seems like these folks actually know their stuff when it comes to similar situations.
http://www.redcross.org/
http://www.nami.org/
http://www.washingtondc.gov/socialservices
...

Yeah, next time she’s acting "normal" for those few fleeting hours, why don't you mention that you've been looking for advice online?🙂

Where does she get the will?
It’s what fuels her...😉

Don't worry, I record her constantly—every monologue, every rant. I save them all because you never know when you'll need proof. But as soon as she catches me recording, she suddenly acts perfectly fine, and that true face of hers vanishes instantly.
I've been burned by sharing information before, so now I don't tell her anything. But she follows me around town, calls people over, and digs through my room every single day while I'm out, just looking for leverage.
She won't even let me put a lock on my door because "what do I have to hide from THEM?"
I can manage it, but only to a point...
Next time she's acting "normal," I'm not saying a word to her for the rest of my life. I can't stand these double personalities who act all "sweet" during the holidays just because it's tradition.

The old man is just an old guy; he stays out of it and doesn't do anything. He knows what she's like, but he still plays along with her games.
And yeah, he hides his important documents from her, which proves he knows she isn't sane.

Rebecca Thomas6 said:Trust me, it happens when they start meddling in your actual life. I try to stay out of it and shut down, but she just won't stop. I have no idea where she gets the energy or the nerve...

thanks 🙂

And look, if you ever get totally fed up with all this crap, just hit me up and you can come crash at my place👍

But seriously.... those old fossils can be such a massive pain in the ass, everything bugs them, they've got zero tolerance, and they just criticize you constantly... and the best part? Even if you were absolutely perfect, they'd find something about your perfection that annoyed them, but mostly, when they're nitpicking you, they're really just projecting their own insecurities onto you. It’s classic—they take everything they hate about themselves and dump it on someone else. It wouldn't even be a huge deal if it didn't happen every single day, but it’s constant. Like that old saying goes: a person who's unhappy with themselves will find fault in everything and everyone... including the smallest little things.

Just honestly stop giving a damn, that's your best move, because deep down you already know exactly what to do😉

goldeneagle8 said:And look, if you ever get totally fed up with all this crap, just hit me up and you can come crash at my place👍

But seriously.... those old fossils can be such a massive pain in the ass, everything bugs them, they've got zero tolerance, and they just criticize you constantly... and the best part? Even if you were absolutely perfect, they'd find something about your perfection that annoyed them, but mostly, when they're nitpicking you, they're really just projecting their own insecurities onto you. It’s classic—they take everything they hate about themselves and dump it on someone else. It wouldn't even be a huge deal if it didn't happen every single day, but it’s constant. Like that old saying goes: a person who's unhappy with themselves will find fault in everything and everyone... including the smallest little things.

Just honestly stop giving a damn, that's your best move, because deep down you already know exactly what to do😉

Hehehe, that old saying cracked me up, but man, it hits the nail on the head...🙂

Just move out.
Explain the situation to your professors... tell them why you had to leave (don't be afraid to mention you're a victim of domestic abuse) and why you need to work just to cover tuition, food, clothes, and everything else.
You’ll need to say that in case you need them to excuse you from classes—because let’s face it, the credit system here can be a total nightmare when it comes to scheduling.

You should probably also file an application for student housing; it'll make things a hell of a lot easier on your wallet.

You can usually find something through a campus job board.😁

Just finish your degree. For real. And stay true to yourself.
The truth is, you can't get anywhere with just a high school diploma.
I remind myself of that all the time when I feel like slacking off, since I graduated from a high school too.
Who cares what this loudmouth says?
It's obvious she's miserable and can't even stand being alone, let alone living with someone else.

In the future, don't take it to heart when people talk shit about you.

Some people just need a punching bag, and they don't care who they use to vent.👍

Kevin Bailey2 said:Just move out.
Explain the situation to your professors... tell them why you had to leave (don't be afraid to mention you're a victim of domestic abuse) and why you need to work just to cover tuition, food, clothes, and everything else.
You’ll need to say that in case you need them to excuse you from classes—because let’s face it, the credit system here can be a total nightmare when it comes to scheduling.

You should probably also file an application for student housing; it'll make things a hell of a lot easier on your wallet.

You can usually find something through a campus job board.😁

Just finish your degree. For real. And stay true to yourself.
The truth is, you can't get anywhere with just a high school diploma.
I remind myself of that all the time when I feel like slacking off, since I graduated from a high school too.
Who cares what this loudmouth says?
It's obvious she's miserable and can't even stand being alone, let alone living with someone else.

In the future, don't take it to heart when people talk shit about you.

Some people just need a punching bag, and they don't care who they use to vent.👍

Oh please, what else is she gonna do? She doesn't even have a job, so all she does is sit there rambling about how we're all losers 😉

hiddensailor14 said:Lawrence Allen49, honestly, after reading through all that, it's clear that woman has completely lost it. She’s practically textbook material for a psychiatric evaluation.😉 And instead of helping, Rebecca Thomas6 is eventually going to end up looking like the problem herself because of this mess.🙄 You can be the kindest soul on earth, but if you take a constant dose of someone playing mind games with you, you’ll lose your patience. You either become totally numb, or you start using the same toxic tactics as a psychotic manipulator just to survive. Or, failing that, you just snap and head straight to the local dive bar to drown it all.😁

I’m fairly certain the grandmother won't say a single word against her own daughter. It’s that classic, spineless, masochistic mentality where people just let themselves be walked over.👎

Rebecca Thomas6, you aren't stupid, so tell me—why do you keep sabotaging yourself by handing over information that this lunatic is just going to weaponize against you later?🤷
Get yourself a digital recorder or just use your phone to capture some audio of these outbursts. It would be even better if you could set up some cheap webcams around the house to record everything, especially if she starts getting physical with the elderly woman.
I'm curious, how does her husband handle all of this?

And it seems like these folks actually know their stuff when it comes to similar situations.
http://www.redcross.org/
http://www.nami.org/
http://www.washingtondc.gov/socialservices
...

Yeah, next time she’s acting "normal" for those few fleeting hours, why don't you mention that you've been looking for advice online?🙂

Where does she get the will?
It’s what fuels her...😉

Patience, my friend, patience.

On top of that, there's the issue of dealing with someone who isn't even a mental health case—not by modern American standards, anyway. She's just a master manipulator and a total bully. In the end, she could easily spin a narrative to anyone listening, claiming she's the victim of abuse from some unstable girl, which is exactly what she's currently blathering about to everyone in the neighborhood. Would you want that label on yourself? How do you prove you're the victim? With words? That's why the police tell you, "Call us when it's actually happening."

Plus, her husband is home, her mother is there, and the neighbors are watching. If you shove her in jail, you might be opening a whole new Pandora's box, so you have to tread carefully.

And sure, IMD is great. Of course he is. But I don't think posting half-baked solutions online in the heat of the moment is actually enough.😉