Adoption: A beautiful gesture that can turn into a nightmare
in Psychology & Therapy ·
Rebecca Thomas6 said:I’ve been sitting on this for a while, wondering if I should actually start a thread and just lay my life out there. I really want to get some perspective from you guys—advice, stories, whatever 🙂
So, I’m 19. I was adopted as an infant when I was six months old. I don't know a single thing about my biological parents, and honestly, it never even crossed my mind to look for them. My current parents are my adoptive parents, and there’s a 40-year age gap between us. I don't know what the adoption laws were like back then, but that gap feels massive because of how we see the world...
My mom couldn't have kids, and my dad desperately wanted one, which is why I'm here. Everything seemed fine when I was little—maybe I just didn't notice things back then. I was basically a trophy for them to show off, the reason they felt like "perfect" parents to everyone else. Looking back, maybe they were just trying to fix their own insecurities through me. But now? My mother treats me like absolute garbage. She calls me trash, tells me I'll abandon my own kids one day, calls me every name in the book... she says the worst things imaginable. She turns all our neighbors and friends against me, and especially my dad. It’s like she’s jealous of him because he actually loves me, and she views me as her female competition. She tells me I’ll never amount to anything and that I should just be grateful I have a roof over my head. And yeah, I am grateful, but after years of this psychological abuse (and physical too), I feel like I'm living in a literal hell. She’d slap me or pull my hair out of nowhere. It makes it impossible to live a normal life. She harasses my friends, ruins everything I enjoy, meddles in everything, and just can't stop being malicious. She's disgusting. I can't stand to look at her or hear her voice, let alone be touched by her. She has these phases where she acts sweet, but it's a trap—she's just gathering info to use against me later. This is a huge story so I won't write it all now, but I need to know: who is responsible for letting someone end up in a family like this? I know my biological parents left me, but why did I have to end up in a house that turned my life into a nightmare? No matter how well I hold myself together despite everything, it eats at me. I want to fix this on my own. I've never been a problem child—I had straight As through middle school, went to one of the best high schools in town, and I'm in college now. I don't even go out much. I've never caused trouble. So, where is the problem? What did I do to deserve this?
I didn't report her behavior when I was a minor because I was terrified. You have to understand how hard it is to take action when you're that vulnerable; I was scared of what would happen to me, how I'd finish school, or even make it to college. I finally went to the police recently to report everything she's done, and of course, nothing happened. It's like they're waiting for someone to actually die before they show up and say, "Oh, another victim of domestic violence." They just play dumb. If nobody wants to step in for cases like this, then who will? She's clearly unstable and bipolar, but I'm not a psychiatrist and I can't fix her. And we all know people like that never admit they're sick. I get that it's hard for her not being able to have a biological child, but am I supposed to be her punching bag? No. And honestly, I don't feel sorry for her because she clearly isn't capable of being a parent.
Look, let me offer a little consolation here. Biological parents can lose those boundaries just as easily as the adoptive ones you described. Honestly, they don't just do it—they do it constantly, often on the same level as what you went through. If I actually sat down to list every single way things can go sideways, we'd be sitting here all day.
Just as an example: you wouldn't believe how some wealthy families can force their daughter into working at a local betting shop just because she didn't finish college. She’d get harassed constantly, and then they’d basically bleed her dry by spending almost her entire paycheck on groceries—to the point where she couldn't even afford basic clothes. This went on every single month for two or three years before she finally walked out. I should add, she was living under their roof, essentially acting like a maid.
I won't even bother listing them. It’s weird how those "chaotic childhood stories" look almost identical in families with an only daughter between the ages of 14 and 25. I guess that explains why so many of these girls end up staring blankly at the idea of marriage, seeing it as their only ticket out of that hellscape. Jealousy? Maybe. But honestly, it’s more about who's running the show.
Before you hit sixteen, you’re basically just a collection of traits being shaped by whoever raised you. Once those boundaries start to shift, that’s when the real chaos begins.
Look, Ugl, I'll be blunt: your mom’s behavior is pretty standard stuff, even for biological parents. Being adopted has its pros and cons—don't get hung up on that as an argument. Even if you aren't blood-related, I'm sure you changed their lives for the better when you were little. They carry that with them. As for the way your "mom" treats you? That's the part that cuts deep, I get it. But honestly, it’s typical behavior for biological parents. It happens everywhere. If anything, it's probably even more intense with biological families. You won't find a single household in America without some version of this drama playing out.
Honestly, my mom was pretty much my biggest adversary growing up, even if she’d give me the world if I asked. We just don't see eye to eye. It’s that classic standoff—probably similar to how you and your mom deal with things. But hey, she’s still my mother. You can be an orphan or live in a mansion, but some people just have this internal script running that you can't ever really calm down. I stopped fighting it a while ago. I’ve accepted that’s just who she is. Fighting with your mom is a losing game; it’s pointless. And honestly? It actually hurts when you end up "winning" an argument against her.
Maybe that’s the way to look at it. You didn't say much about the rest of it—especially the stuff that made you lose faith in the police—but honestly, it’s better to just accept Mom for who she is instead of expecting anything else or trying to negotiate. Not that negotiation would even work anyway. Moms in their 60s can be way too radical. They have all this free time to obsess over things and dwell on whatever absurd ideas pop into their heads. Toss in some messy family drama and a lifetime of bitter regrets, and they eventually lose touch with reality. It’s a lot to deal with, especially for someone like you who's just starting to find their footing.
Since your only real issue is your mom, maybe you should just lay it all out for us. Tell us everything. We can try to "tweak" the situation if we actually know what's going on. If we can figure out what's eating at him, maybe we can find some specialist or a clinic to help him snap out of it and start treating you like a human being.
Look, just try to be logical here. You’re her kid; she’s your mom. Even when she’s completely wrong—just let her win. Stop treating her like some legal guardian and start looking at her as your mother. Maybe that's the only way she'll finally see sense.
I get it. You’re stuck dwelling on what happened with her, looking back at everything like it was some kind of disaster. But honestly? Stop. Look at where you guys are headed and what this new relationship actually looks like for your future. That matters way more than rehashing the past.