Issues with my mom.
in Psychology & Therapy ·
My boyfriend dealt with this exact same dynamic with his mother.
He’s essentially the "perfect" son—doesn't drink, doesn't touch drugs, rarely goes out, just a genuinely decent guy. Yet, somehow, she finds fault in absolutely everything he does; she tries to micromanage every single decision he makes.
In the beginning, he was totally submissive—just listening and walking on eggshells to avoid conflict.
But now that he’s over 20, he’s finally grown a backbone.
The first time they sat down, he kept it calm and civil, asking her to respect certain boundaries. She promised she would change.
Naturally, nothing changed.
So, he sits her down again, stays composed, pleads with her—and she promises once more.
Predictably, zero results.
By the third attempt, he finally snapped. He lost it and told her exactly what she deserved to hear—every harsh truth straight to her face. She burst into tears, of course. They didn't speak for a few days, then she approached him, apologized, and swore—on everything—that she would actually change this time.
And what happened? A little while later, we were right back where we started.
Now, he basically ignores her. He doesn't call her first, doesn't check in to see how she's doing, nothing. All his decisions are made by him alone, or with me, or his father, or people who actually support him rather than dismissing him. She has zero say in his life anymore. Thankfully, he has a sane father who stands firmly on his side.
If she calls him, he answers. If she asks a question, he responds.
But if she tries to lecture him or meddle in his business? He just gives her a flat "okay." And true to form, three seconds after hanging up, he completely forgets what she even said and does exactly what he planned to do anyway.
Honestly, my advice? Skip those first three futile steps and jump straight to the fourth. Sit down with a brother, a parent, a sibling, a grandparent—whoever—and lay it all out. Tell them how much she is mentally draining you and try to find someone who will act as your support system and tell her to stay out of your business (that’s exactly what the father does for my boyfriend). Once that's set, start the process of disengagement. I don't mean you should ignore her when she speaks to you or refuse to answer basic questions... rather, just stop being the one to initiate contact. Don't reach out. If she tries to interfere, just "agree" with her so she stops nagging, and then immediately go about your business the way you intended. Keep doing that until she realizes that she is solely responsible for the breakdown of your relationship. It’ll hurt her feelings, which might actually force some change...
In my case, she actually did start changing a bit, though my boyfriend refuses to give her any real ground until he is absolutely certain her remorse is genuine.
He’s essentially the "perfect" son—doesn't drink, doesn't touch drugs, rarely goes out, just a genuinely decent guy. Yet, somehow, she finds fault in absolutely everything he does; she tries to micromanage every single decision he makes.
In the beginning, he was totally submissive—just listening and walking on eggshells to avoid conflict.
But now that he’s over 20, he’s finally grown a backbone.
The first time they sat down, he kept it calm and civil, asking her to respect certain boundaries. She promised she would change.
Naturally, nothing changed.
So, he sits her down again, stays composed, pleads with her—and she promises once more.
Predictably, zero results.
By the third attempt, he finally snapped. He lost it and told her exactly what she deserved to hear—every harsh truth straight to her face. She burst into tears, of course. They didn't speak for a few days, then she approached him, apologized, and swore—on everything—that she would actually change this time.
And what happened? A little while later, we were right back where we started.
Now, he basically ignores her. He doesn't call her first, doesn't check in to see how she's doing, nothing. All his decisions are made by him alone, or with me, or his father, or people who actually support him rather than dismissing him. She has zero say in his life anymore. Thankfully, he has a sane father who stands firmly on his side.
If she calls him, he answers. If she asks a question, he responds.
But if she tries to lecture him or meddle in his business? He just gives her a flat "okay." And true to form, three seconds after hanging up, he completely forgets what she even said and does exactly what he planned to do anyway.
Honestly, my advice? Skip those first three futile steps and jump straight to the fourth. Sit down with a brother, a parent, a sibling, a grandparent—whoever—and lay it all out. Tell them how much she is mentally draining you and try to find someone who will act as your support system and tell her to stay out of your business (that’s exactly what the father does for my boyfriend). Once that's set, start the process of disengagement. I don't mean you should ignore her when she speaks to you or refuse to answer basic questions... rather, just stop being the one to initiate contact. Don't reach out. If she tries to interfere, just "agree" with her so she stops nagging, and then immediately go about your business the way you intended. Keep doing that until she realizes that she is solely responsible for the breakdown of your relationship. It’ll hurt her feelings, which might actually force some change...
In my case, she actually did start changing a bit, though my boyfriend refuses to give her any real ground until he is absolutely certain her remorse is genuine.