Man, there is just a little bit of everything going on here... There are so many takeaways here and honestly, everyone’s got a point because the human psyche is such a wild, unpredictable thing...
I finally took some real me-time to sit down and get brutally honest with myself during a deep dive analysis, and honestly, it was much needed! Sometimes it’s just plain hard to be real with yourself, because let's be honest—we all end up building these massive walls just so we don't have to face who we actually are. If I could just catch a glimpse of myself for a second... People spend so much energy building up these massive walls just to hide from everyone else... And then there’s us, building these little walls just so we can hide from ourselves... you know, like a way to run away from who we actually are. If a person just can't come to terms with certain parts of themselves... if they can't really find a way to deal with their own... well... I guess... those core, fundamental traits that actually make them who they are... It’s gonna be super stressful since he’s just way too far out of touch with himself. Maybe his traits just don't fit the usual mold, so he ends up feeling like he doesn't belong as he is...
We all have that one little thing that makes us stand out from the crowd, you know? Sometimes things just don't line up with what everyone calls "normal," and that’s when we start building these mental walls around ourselves just to try and squeeze into that perfect little mold. So, what was it even like being gay fifty years ago back in the States? Living life against your own principles... just isn't worth it. We all know exactly what we’d need to finally be... happy. If we don't have that for some reason, we’re basically screwed on a global scale. Life is just one big series of tests, honestly.
Honestly... I’m just not exactly living up to my own principles right now... Man, I just can't even. I don't have that option available to me.
If you really take a second to look at how nature actually works... man, there's just nothing—and I mean NOTHING—in this entire universe that happens without a reason. Everything is perfectly connected and just builds on everything else. What should we call it? What's the mission? Maybe if she just truly embraced the idea that life doesn't actually have a point... everything would honestly feel so much easier to deal with. Life actually does have a purpose, you know? Everyone’s just out here doing their own thing, you know? What happens if you can't even handle your own life? Either you just don't get it... or for some reason, you're just hitting a wall.
It all starts with you turning your back on yourself, and once that happens, everything just falls apart—your whole mindset and your entire system go completely off the rails... When you feel totally disconnected from who you really are—like you’re just playing a part instead of actually living your truth—it leads to this massive sense of dissatisfaction that makes everything feel completely pointless. Honestly, if you're actually out there doing what you love, there's just no way you can be unhappy... I mean, it's basically impossible! Living life true to your own principles and that big mission you've set for yourself? Man, it honestly unlocks this endless well of strength and confidence that makes you feel absolutely fearless.
On the flip side... if we’ve actually drifted too far from what we stand for, you can really feel that collective sense of frustration bubbling up, along with all those sudden waves of panic and fear. Time is just slipping through our fingers in the worst way possible because we aren't doing right by ourselves.
If I could actually start living my life by what I truly believe in and stick to my principles, everything would just hit a whole new level... When you've got that massive strength and total mental and physical clarity, all those little fears just start looking ridiculous... because once you're a powerhouse who actually knows what they're doing, you aren't shaking in your boots anymore—you're just out there soaking up every single second of the grind on your way to crushing your goals.
I honestly feel like everyone pretty much knows exactly what they stand for—their own core beliefs, principles, and that big-picture mission they're chasing. As long as he isn't living true to his own values—as long as he keeps running instead of standing his ground—he’s just drifting further away from who he really is. And honestly, he gets hit with those waves of fear and anxiety every once in a while when it finally sinks in just how alone he actually is, no matter how many people he tries to surround himself with to drown out that deep sense of loneliness he feels being so far away from where he truly belongs. It’s like he’s looking at a seed that hasn't even broken through the soil yet, you know? Just pure potential waiting to happen. Of course he's terrified of dying, but how can he be when he hasn't even truly started living to become what he was always meant to be... a flower. Until that seed finally blooms and hits its stride, it’s basically just dormant, you know? It’s almost like it’s just way too aware of how fragile it is. If only his passing could be something beautiful... Honestly, if this universe has any respect for us at all, it’s definitely not gonna let us just sit around and stay stuck in one place... It’s just constantly moving... it keeps spreading and growing into this endless void... If anything’s ever gonna give you the absolute creeps, it’s definitely standing right in someone's blind spot...
Honestly, I feel like it’s gotta be such a struggle being the kind of person who preaches one thing while living a completely different reality... you know, just constantly acting against everything you actually believe in? When you're acting as your own judge and jury... Honestly, you’re just running away from who you really are instead of actually listening to what your heart wants, no matter how crazy those desires might seem...
Honestly, I don't think there’s anyone out there happier than someone who actually lives by their own rules and values—they just totally thrive... They aren't running scared or feeling any fear... because they know deep down that everything they do actually matters. ... because a flower in full bloom is worth way more than some seed that just refuses to sprout.
Honestly, I have to say that "chills" is a much better way to describe what’s been following me around lately. Fear is its own thing... it hits you suddenly and then vanishes the moment you walk away from whatever spooked you. But these chills? They don't just go away... They follow you everywhere, keeping all your senses dialed up to eleven and on high alert, just like pure terror would, making you jump at the stupidest little things you’d normally never blink at... and once you realize what actually scared you, you're just left wondering whether to laugh or cry.
Since this feeling isn't constant, Thank God, but when it hits and lingers for a few days from sunrise to sunset... man, it is seriously, seriously nasty to live through.
It all came down to this one thought flashing through my mind—"What if he wakes up right now?" and honestly, I was terrified... It wasn't even far from the truth, because after about seven or ten minutes, that man who was gone actually came back to life. While everyone else was huddled around him, sobbing and insisting he was gone, he just went totally rigid... completely lifeless with his eyes wide open... and I was staring straight into those eyes in absolute agony... there were just way too many thoughts racing through my head for me to even notice what was happening around me, let alone cry... I kept picturing how impossible it felt that he was dead, just visualizing him pulling himself back up and coming to... and the only thing I could manage to tell the people touching him was to get away from him, because he wasn't dead yet... Because looking at his eyes, I could just sense that he was still perceiving things... you know... that spark of life... I was basically forcing myself to believe it because I just couldn't wrap my head around the idea that he had passed... not while I was standing right there. I was hunting for a sign of life in his eyes since they couldn't find it in his pulse... and honestly, I wouldn't have even dared to touch him then... I just stared into his eyes, absolutely paralyzed with fear... And every single one of those thoughts just flashed by in a split second... And then, just as they were calling 911 to report he had died... His gaze started to get that... that certain look... that specific kind of energy you only see in a living being... I don't even know how to put it into words... And I honestly can't decide which part was more haunting... Watching him die or watching him come back...
When a person slips into unconsciousness... death should theoretically be any loss of consciousness... That’s probably how it works... Why wouldn't it be? But it hasn't really been studied enough to say for sure... You can't really compare death to dreaming... Because we dream all the time but we don't always remember it... We dream about everything... seeing without eyes, hearing without ears, feeling without touch... It’s almost like your body isn't even necessary for all that to happen... I’ve drifted off into unconsciousness before... And instead of a void, it felt just like a dream... Since I usually remember most of my dreams—I have gaps sometimes, but that doesn't mean I wasn't "there." Dreaming and dying aren't the same thing. Even though it's super easy to assume they are logically connected.
Then, if we look at the only reliable metric we have for death—clinical death—even though that only scratches the surface of what needs to be uncovered... You start to see that death isn't actually that simple... It isn't just one single story... There are millions of them out there. Actually.... Death definitely isn't the 100% permanent "the end"... And now... If I knew everything, maybe I wouldn't be so scared of death... Not necessarily the act of dying itself, but the sight of dead bodies... that's what truly creeps me out. The physical bodies and my own fears regarding the souls attached to them... Maybe that's just an irrational fear... It's not even a fear for my own life; it's just this intense chill and negative energy. Such a heavy chill. The kind where if something startles me, I'll jump a foot in the air.😂
haha, here we go again... this latest article has me spiraling into another deep dive that I won't be able to stop until I hit some kind of epiphany... The first big questions and impressions popping into my head right now are...
1. Could a person actually live forever if they just swapped out parts like you would with a classic car? Like, if they had access to perfectly fresh organs and healthy tissue indefinitely... even skin transplants... would death ever actually catch up to them? 2. And how can someone even feel okay knowing that their own heartbeat is fueled by someone else's passing... Is the fight for survival really that intense... And how can doctors justify giving someone that level of care when others are dropping dead from heart failure right in the middle of a transplant procedure... I guess money really does perform miracles. To me, all of this just proves one thing... It proves that while the body inevitably ages, the spirit and the mind stay timeless...
Plus, what would happen if you performed a brain transplant... would that person still be the same individual? That would be the ultimate proof of the soul... If a brain transplant caused a shift in personality—like, if the donor's persona somehow resurfaced... Or would the patient fundamentally keep their own identity?
Now, a thousand different things I've read or heard about transplants are flooding my mind at once; I feel like I could write an entire book on it... and even though I'm not going to type out every single thought in this mental whirlwind right now, I know I'm going to be chewing on this for a long, long time...
The fear of death is really at the core of every single phobia out there. Honestly, fearing death is just human nature... it’s completely rational if you think about it. So, my own fear hits a little harder because of how I process things. I’ve been reading up on all kinds of different phobias, and some of them just make zero sense to me. But... if I have a phobia rooted in the ultimate fear, it totally explains why I’m so overly cautious about everything I do, constantly avoiding anything that feels risky—like, I don't know, just going for a swim... though I'm not going to let myself be paralyzed by it... I’ll definitely raise my voice at other people, though, if they're being reckless, like running a red light or riding a bike right in the middle of the street.😂
My fear basically stems from the way my brain works when I look at what's right in front of me... My mom once told me; there are people who see a cat hit by a car on the road and they just think, "oh, a dead cat," and keep walking... then there’s someone else who thinks "God, look at how people drive!" and they actually stop to pull the cat off the road. Some people don't even give the cat a second thought. ... and then there are those who think, "poor little thing," and get genuinely heartbroken over it. And that’s me—plus, I start analyzing exactly what happened to that cat, playing the whole scene on a loop in my head, getting flooded with all these emotions, and one of the biggest ones is fear.
Death both fascinates and terrifies me. Someone sees a dead person... and that's it, they move on... but me... "How was this person alive just a moment ago and now they're gone?" Just look at their eyes... they're so empty... totally devoid of soul or life... What if they suddenly snap back to life right now and scare the life out of me? Look at them... we're all just humans... just bodies... why do we love corpses and worry about them and feel so much emotion for them... as if any of that matters to them now? Jesus... that stare... and look at how bruised and broken the hands and feet look... they were walking around just yesterday... How can someone just vanish forever like that? I don't feel like I could ever truly vanish... it feels impossible... I just can't wrap my head around it... What if there isn't an afterlife... And what if there isn't even a God... This dead body used to be a person... which means every single one of you is currently just a corpse in waiting. How do all the organs inside just... stop... I can't believe it... I really can't... Will it be like that for me too? Oh man.... what happens when my day finally comes? And it will come... what will I be thinking in that exact moment? Will I be absolutely terrified? What was he thinking... and that vacant stare... maybe his brain is still functioning... because death isn't always instant... maybe he can still perceive things and hear... maybe he can see us rushing past... maybe he's terrified and trying to scream that he's still alive, but he just can't move... How am I ever going to get this image out of my head!?!? What if he passed away and his soul is just hovering in space in a total panic... What if he can see me and everyone else, but not through his eyes... What if he's watching me right now... brrrr... What if he comes into my room... and at midnight, he's standing there looking for someone to talk to... I remember my wife telling me how her grandmother's spirit used to move things around the house in front of the whole family... (now I'm remembering every spooky story I've ever heard or seen) I'm just deep-diving into this, comparing every data point in my head with every assumption, every image I've seen or imagined... Emotionally, I'm trying to bridge the gap between what I know and what I've witnessed to reach some kind of conclusion... When I'm flooded with all these feelings after an analysis like that, it's so hard to shut my brain off, and every single emotion just intensifies... in this case, fear turns into a phobia. Anxiety turns into obsession. Sadness turns into despair....
It's a mental loop that I just don't know how to stop... That's just how I think about everything. In other areas of life, that kind of brain tends to bring out the best in every moment... but in other cases, it brings out the absolute worst.
I'm the type of person who can sit on a park bench, staring at nature, and just obsessively analyze everything I see... comparing, observing, and whatnot... looking at a mountain in front of me, I try to reconstruct how it formed, fascinated by its massive scale compared to mine, yet realizing how tiny it would look if I were viewing it from the moon... where my own size would finally be greater than a microbe. I try to really step into people's shoes whenever I meet them... just trying to feel their pain, their fears, or even their joy as if it were my own... Like, I actually tried to tap into the fear of someone who has a phobia of books, haha, because it just felt so illogical to me...
I guess what I’m saying is that my fear starts and ends entirely within how I perceive everything around me... And if I want to heal, I'd have to change the way I look at this world I admire so much—I get so easily fascinated because I'm always searching for a deeper sense of purpose in everything...
A psychiatrist... I mean, obviously, I’d love to go... But honestly, I just don't see how they can actually help me...
darkcanyon10 said:We’re on the same page here.🙂 When I start spiraling into my own deep dive of life, meaning, and total pointlessness... man, it’s exhausting. Just this heavy, gross sense of futility. I don't get it. What’s even the point of any of this? You grind hard, you enjoy yourself for a bit😁 and then you die and that's it. Like—thanks for nothing, next... A million questions asked just to find a tiny shred of purpose, and it still feels like zero. It’s not even depression, honestly. It’s more like pure apathy and lethargy. The only way I deal is by force-switching my mindset. I just refuse to think about it. I try to accept it. Yeah, right—as if anyone actually asks me what I want to accept. So I finally realized it’s just how things are and fighting it is useless.😁 Now I just tell myself: fake it till you make it.🙂 Realized that the one thing I can actually control is my own head.😁
That is exactly what I'm doing too! I hate looking worried, so I immediately try to cheer up anyone around me who's feeling down. I don't see the sense in suffering or crying over spilled milk, and people probably think I have zero problems because I still view the world with such a kid-like wonder... I don't see a reason to fight, and fighting usually just brings more misery and pain to everyone involved... If you can't change it... just let it go... But then these days hit, the ones I spend most of my time running away from... they just swamp me with fear and hopelessness... If I were still a little kid, I'd just run straight into my mom's arms... but I'm not anymore... and that's when I start sinking deeper... And every single time, it gets deeper... I just sink... Paralyzed by the fear... Then I take a breath, pull myself together, and keep moving... and I know there are plenty more of these crashes waiting for me in the future... and that my whole life will be spent dodging them... and that each time, I'll feel a little weaker... I wish I could just face the fear head-on... maybe one day I'll end up standing over a grave... 90% chance I'd lose my mind 😂 But that would be a real confrontation with death...
Because honestly... as long as you're terrified of dying, you aren't really living.
Donna White50 said:Well, if you've been trying for years and nothing works, I think you really should talk to a psychiatrist if it's hitting your daily life this hard. Have you tried meditation? It's great for relaxing... maybe some herbal teas and stuff like that? Look, it's not just about the fear of dying. You basically have a really, really rough outlook on life, and you've gotta shift that—which means doing some actual self-work. Antidepressants would kick in after a few weeks and help dial back the symptoms. This anxiety is absolutely trashed your system. For me, fear triggers stomach cramps, diarrhea, headaches, head pressure, zero motivation, no energy, mental blocks, bad moods, depressive thoughts, low self-esteem, even masochism... it's a terrible cocktail of feelings... nobody needs that in their life...
It's true that my perspective is pretty damn negative... When I see massive crowds of people on TV, like in China, all I see is a swarm of bacteria and sickness spreading across the planet... Walking through huge cities, all those buildings just remind me of some kind of fungal infection growing on the Earth's crust... I know deep down it's not actually like that, but I can't shake the feeling that it's all just kind of pathological. Even childbirth—having a baby pulled out of your gut with all that blood and horror, nine months of carrying a human inside you... to me, it looks unnatural and terrifying... I'm attached to the people I love, so I see them differently... But when I look at the big picture, stepping back to view the Earth from space... everything looks so ridiculous and meaningless... And every single one of those little bacteria thinks they're so important... when they aren't important to anyone... They're all rushing around for work... they can't see past their own noses... fighting, warring, killing, stealing, cheating, reproducing, and dying just like nothing... When I look at the whole picture...
Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if I were just a little high so instead of fearing all this meaninglessness, I could just laugh at it all.
Donna White50 said:So, yeah, that sounds like the core trauma that everything else was built on. That's heavy stuff for a kid—watching a pet you love just vanish right in front of you like that. If you didn't have a good way to process that back then, it’s no wonder it left such a mark. Kids are so sensitive to things like that. For me, certain childhood stuff actually ended up affecting how I view sexuality later on... You really have to try to stay positive. Have you thought about talking to a therapist or something..?
I have... I really have, because the sheer stress I go through during those "attacks" isn't healthy at all, and I'm genuinely worried it'll wreck my heart and my nerves... But honestly, I'm not a fan of taking meds even when it's necessary... I actually had to get anesthesia for the first time just a few months ago because I'm terrified of needles... It's not like I'm crazy... The thing is, I'm actually super aware of what's happening to me when it hits; I manage to keep everything under control except for those physical reflexes, and that involuntary fear response is just brutal on the heart—it's bad for my overall health since all that adrenaline spikes and I can't even use it, which leads to heart arrhythmias and, eventually, massive long-term stress damage. Because deep down, I'm actually a pretty laid-back and chill person until these episodes start happening... The only reason I'd seek help is because staying like this isn't healthy, but if a psychiatrist is going to help, they should be able to shift my mindset through insight rather than just drugging me... But most of the time, it feels like my answers and questions end up changing everyone else's perspective instead of my own... I would love to meet someone who could actually help me do that... If I could just rewire my consciousness at the root, then these physical reflexes wouldn't be so intense or dangerous... Because look... I am not depression itself... I'm just someone who is acutely aware of how senseless everything feels... More than anything, I am desperately trying to shake this fear... I would give anything just to finally be free from this reflexive terror..
Donna White50 said:Man, I was terrified of death when I was a kid too. It makes sense, right? We’re always told death is this scary, painful, mysterious thing, so why wouldn't kids be spooked... I remember being maybe 6 or 7 and watching this true crime documentary—one of those forensic shows—about some murder victim who was dumped in a pit and wasn't found for years. That was the moment it finally clicked for me—that people actually die and all that's left are bones. As a little kid, that was just impossible to wrap my head around. It actually sent me down a rabbit hole looking into religion, the afterlife, and what life is even all about. The fear was pretty intense, honestly... lasted for a few years. Most of our deepest phobias really do stem from those early childhood years.
Nowadays, though, death doesn't scare me at all. I'm pretty happy with my life. If anything, I'm afraid of getting sick or losing my independence—I just couldn't handle being seriously ill and having to rely on someone else for everything. To me, that feels totally undignified.
It's probably something from childhood... Maybe it was when I was four and saw a cat get hit by a train... I just stared at that mangled body... there wasn't even a head left to look at... it was so haunting that crying didn't even feel like it made sense, because it felt like the cat had just ceased to exist... ever since then, I've been scared of trains, but I also have these dreams where death itself is under a train... I used to have this recurring nightmare where a train ran over my mom... I was just a little girl, maybe 6 or 7... I could handle it better today, even though that image is still pretty brutal, but back then I couldn't sleep for nights on end...
And don't even get me started on the days we went fishing; I’d just stare in horror watching the fish thrashing and fighting for its life, wishing someone would just toss it back into the water... I’d get so angry, feeling like I wanted to take the head off whoever caught it because they were hurting that poor thing so much with a cruel little hook... Those kinds of thoughts just run through my mind... It's horrifying...
Donna White50, you’ve seriously mastered the art of being a therapist or at least an expert forum counselor! 😁
Reading your posts honestly gives me such a rush of energy. I’m fully aware of all this, and through my own deep dives, I've realized how much of a lifeline you are—because if I didn't have this, I probably would've ended it all a long time ago... But... Because of this irrational fear—which isn't actually irrational since death is staring everyone in the face—it all comes down to how you perceive time. To me, 50 years is absolutely nothing; if I had to wait 50 years for something, I wouldn't care one bit... so just try imagining what my perception of a single week, a month, or even a year feels like... I don't mind working 12-hour shifts because time just vanishes for me... While everyone else is wondering how I pull it off, I'm the one actively looking for those long days... The thing is, I've truly come to terms with death. Everyone knows death exists, but very few people actually *grasp* it... and then there's the afterlife... Not everyone has had that realization... And that’s where my struggle begins... Because of that... every little moment I could live to fill the void in my head... I just don't see the point... To me, none of this makes sense... even if I were living the high life with milk and honey flowing... I still wouldn't see the purpose... This heavy, chronic lack of ambition is just a direct result of everything I've realized... What am I even fighting for? Why bother?
Sometimes this hopelessness and the fear of dying collide into this weird contradiction where it feels like the thing I dread most is actually my only way out... death...
I'm alive, but I'm missing the "living" part... It's like I died a long time ago... My only real fear is the unknown... stepping into the dark... what happens next... Because one thing is certain... Every single one of you will eventually reach that moment where your eyes go blank... when you hear the people around you trying to help... you’d speak up if you weren't already gone... but you are... What happens when you finally realize that? . If you are truly dead... What comes after that??
There are a thousand theories out there... from reincarnation to heaven and hell... whatever your imagination can dream up... about what happens once we pass... Everything is written down somewhere... But... who has actually died and come back to tell us? Nobody... I just want to ask one thing... What is the point of life? By age five, most kids don't even remember anything. Until eighteen, you're just stuck in school... you can't do anything, and 80% of them don't know the first thing about life during those years, which just fly by. Then come the best years... Up until thirty... they're gone in a flash... Then we start getting old... Getting ugly... Between thirty and fifty, I honestly can't see what a person is even supposed to need... You spend all those prime years grinding at work, just struggling to survive... You live on a planet you haven't even really met... you should have traveled... made the most of your youth... but you never have the time. And now that you hit retirement... you finally have the freedom to do it all because you have all this extra time... but you don't have your youth anymore... You can do whatever the hell you want, but it doesn't matter...
And all of it just slips away, leaving nothing but memories... Good memories? I don't know... nostalgia has never felt good to me; it's always been pretty depressing.
And at the end of the day, I look at people in their 70s and beyond and wonder how some of them still have a smile on their faces... What's the deal with that? What are they even happy about? All they're doing is waiting to die... You want to go for a run... and you break a hip instead... You're falling apart while you're still breathing... And honestly, a huge chunk of life is just spent decaying and breaking down... To me, life feels more like a sickness of the soul... The soul gets sick and dies, or rather, it's born alongside the body... I don't know if anyone understands what I'm feeling...
I'll take Donna White50's advice and go find something to keep me busy... But... sooner or later.... It's all going to catch up to me... I just hope that when that time comes, I won't be afraid... That I'll be able to look at both death and life... as a gift... Because right now, it just feels like an illness.
Donna White50, that is just so beautiful and comforting... though usually I’m the one playing the comforter, even if it's hard to pull off—like that time when everyone was convinced someone had passed away, but I was the only one who knew they were actually fine... I honestly feel like sometimes I need to hear that exact kind of talk that I usually give to everyone else; I really think the best advice and empathy comes from someone who truly gets you, specifically someone who’s been through the exact same thing you are right now.
You totally hit the nail on the head regarding my soul... I see life as being pretty rough because despite all the good stuff it throws your way (even with a little beauty sprinkled in), it mostly delivers bad experiences and hardship, and it all just ends in death anyway. Even a perfect day soaking up the sun outside... even a dream come true... it won't erase the feeling, it just makes me more aware of how fleeting everything is...
Sometimes I feel like a kid whose body has changed into a shape I can't stand to look at in the mirror, simply because my mind is still stuck in that old dieting mindset... I hate looking at bodies—or rather, corpses—so much that seeing myself in the mirror makes me uneasy, because looking at myself through a different lens, I just see... something that’s going to age and eventually end up underground. Every single moment of youth feels precious to me, and I soak them all up along with my childhood memories, which I remember so vividly, because there's always this nagging realization deep down that none of this will last forever... Maybe I love life too much, or maybe I just despise it too much...
A lot of people tell me my only real issue is that I overthink things I shouldn't be dwelling on... like, for instance... death... the meaning of life... the universe... God... And honestly, I think they're right... But how on earth am I supposed to shut my brain off... and how do I convince my mind that there are some things just aren't worth thinking about... because my brain, my very nature, just can't help but think... It frustrates me so much that in moments when I'm scared... my brain works against me, fueling the panic even more by pulling up images and realizations that just ramp up the fear. I find myself wanting to dive into the things that terrify me, reading and watching exactly what I dread, having this endless curiosity for those very things... almost as if I'm trying to fight the fear, but I'm actually just making it deeper...
Fear just breeds more fear... My senses are incredibly sharp, almost like a cat's in the middle of the night... I can sense every movement and every breath, and every single one scares me. I can practically notice a speck of dust moving, or the surge of electricity when a TV is turned on in the house... fear has such wide eyes... but sometimes I wonder if the fear causes the heightened senses, or if it's the other way around... After the fear comes the anger... the aggression... Because I'm just flooded with adrenaline triggered by that wild fight-or-flight response... once I hit the point where I've had enough fear and too much adrenaline, I turn aggressive and angry... I just want to fight whatever it is that's scaring me... When I can't shake that adrenaline, after a while it just turns into anxiety and depression, then cycles back into fear, and it just goes round and round...
Unless my thoughts get occupied by something else... something grounded and tangible... like love, or work, or something that pulls me back into the HERE and NOW... that's when this phobia disappears... But the second I slip into those deep analyses of life and everything beyond this current moment... that's when the phobic behavior kicks in... And it's all usually triggered by some specific event, or sometimes I just take myself there, basically deciding to just say "screw it" to everything.
I’m really hoping I can find some solid advice here, maybe some coping strategies or self-help techniques to help me deal with this.
I think we all have that underlying fear of death, right? Or maybe it's just me... I'm not sure if "phobia" is even the right word, but if it is, then my constant, overwhelming terror definitely qualifies.
Even when I was a little kid, just hearing the word "death" was enough to keep me wide awake all night long; and honestly, even though I’ve never actually witnessed anything traumatic or seen a dead body, this fear is so intense it feels like it could literally consume me.
I actually managed to find some peace for a few years there—I could even sleep in total darkness, which used to be an impossible mission for me. But... it’s all coming back.
Basically, the other day, I had to witness someone I care about having a stroke right in front of my eyes (usually, nothing shocks me, but this was different), and seeing someone actually dying for the first time in my 25 years... I was covering my eyes, totally spiraling, and when I had to call 911, I was so out of it that I forgot my own name, let alone how to dial emergency services...
And now, it's all starting again... Now I can't stand being in a dimly lit room, I can't be alone, I can't handle silence, and any sudden noise makes me jump and freeze up; plus, as if to spite me, the power tripped earlier and now I'm just shaking from pure terror—it's like fear is literally running through my veins. I find myself leaving all the doors open because I can't stand being enclosed, and I'm constantly seeking out crowds, yet I can't bring myself to go near where that accident happened... I just can't. If I see even the tiniest shadow move, I bolt like a soldier surviving a grenade blast—it's that visceral. Right now, I’d honestly rather be standing out in the rain than inside a closed room. This behavior used to haunt me for a while, and it actually turned my hair gray by the time I hit 25. Some people think it’s just genetics (though they can't point to anyone specific since I started graying at 18), and others just write off my extreme fear as part of my personality, but for me, this causes real, tangible problems. Now that I know what's coming, I'm desperate for advice or anything at all, because I can't live like this for another second. What am I going to do when a family member passes away one day? I know it's inevitable... what will I do? And God forbid I end up being alone with them... Just thinking about it makes me feel sick. Do I need to see a psychologist?
Because my brain is always overanalyzing everything, I can't help but dive into the deepest, darkest thoughts about mortality in a way most "normal" people probably wouldn't; I've tried searching for the truth about the soul, trying to prove to myself that death isn't real or scary. While everyone else around me is grieving at funerals, I'm just paralyzed with fear; I wouldn't even touch a deceased person, nor would I sit in a chair where they once sat—my family actually threw out the couch where a man passed away, and I wouldn't dare touch a glass someone died using... I'd rather just burn everything and toss it out (one day I might have to clear out the whole house if things don't change)... The thing is... with everything I know about the nature of death, you'd think I'd be the last person to fear it, but despite all my logic, this living phobia is stronger than I am. I can't even walk past a place where someone died... It’s just too much... I can't live like this...
What am I actually afraid of? I don't know. But it's this feeling that death itself is spreading through the room, like a black shadow hovering nearby... Like even the objects belonging to a dead person are dying... That sensation that the deceased are trying to reach out to me, that they're right there... And the worst part... Is looking at myself and realizing I'm nothing more than a collection of meat and bones... essentially dead already even though I'm still breathing... it's like I'm carrying death inside me... I feel this urge to run away from my own body, from this physical shell that I see torn apart so often on the news or on a dinner plate... Even seeing an animal die absolutely terrifies me.
When I hug someone and hear their heartbeat and their breathing... It feels eerie to me... And honestly, I’ve never been much of a touchy-feely person but when it comes to the one I truly love... The only thing that actually gets to me is knowing that eventually, they won't be here anymore...
How do you even begin to stop being terrified of death and just accept it as part of life? Because for me, death definitely doesn't feel natural at all....
Amanda Robinson4 said:It’s basically just a mental block caused by certain things messing with your judgment.
Like, take girls who suddenly get obsessed with horoscopes and zodiac signs... they won't even give you the time of day until they figure out what sign you are! They start categorizing everyone instantly. It doesn't even matter what your name is anymore—it's all about the stars.
And honestly, you're making these comparisons because you stumbled upon some abstract definitions and now you're just playing around with them. I don't think it's anything to worry about, really. We all see the world through different lenses, right? Everyone uses some kind of criteria to group people together. Like, my boss at Starbucks divides everyone into "hard workers" and "slackers," and then you've got those religious zealots who split the whole world into believers and non-believers.
Just try to let go of that habit little by little. Start exploring some lighter, more harmless ways of defining things, and those abstractions will eventually fade away. I’d say "abstractions," but man, that word is such a mouthful... I think there's actually a linguistic rule for how the sounds shift when we say it quickly. Assimilation of voicing, I think it's called... yeah, that's it.
That was a really beautiful analysis. You totally hit the nail on the head.
darkcyclist92 said:You are wasting your energy on complete nonsense because you fell in love with the persona someone presented to you—with their time and their personality—regardless of whether that interaction happened face-to-face or through a screen.
It's the same way people used to fall in love through pen pal letters: falling for a name that sounded right, a specific handwriting, the anticipation of waiting, or receiving packages via USPS... or reading letters scented with perfume.
The issue isn't that the situation was fictional; the issue is the fact that you are heartbroken. I experienced this exact same "fictional" love once, too, except we actually met and spent six months together.
Again, the core of the relationship happened online. So, calling it fiction is a stretch. ☕
and I guess maybe I totally missed the memo... because I just met a couple of people who actually ended up getting MARRIED because of this forum... it really sucks that I didn't get to meet them myself... but I guess all I can do now is try to convince myself that it was just meant to be this way...
Robin Jones2 said:Once you grasp this truth, you're finally on the path to waking up from the illusion. :-)
So true.
The more time passes, the more everything just starts clicking into place, and honestly, there’s really only a tiny bit left of that old feeling... maybe even a little lingering urge to hear his voice or see him again, but it's nothing I'd actually dwell on... before long, I probably won't even remember it at all.
Jerry Bishop4 said:Well, you aren't being too sensitive 😲
I’ve definitely learned my lesson about internet traps and how easy it is for someone to pretend to be someone they aren't. But honestly, people always end up showing their true colors eventually. Just watch for the red flags; they always show up. It’s the exact same thing as meeting people in real life. At least, that's been my experience. Who can really blame women when they miss those signs? No one, because it happens just as much offline. I’d say meeting people online is pretty much the same thing. People don't just ignore reality here; they do it in the real world, too. Like, if you go out to a club in NYC, you'll see the same thing. So, I'd say your issue is basically the same as what happens in person. 😲 People lie to themselves all the time—online, in person, everywhere.
I think that's the only real issue here, rather than the internet itself.
Yeah, there is definitely something to that. But see, I feel like what we're talking about here is something else entirely. Like... some people out there just have zero common sense (not trying to be mean!) I just mean they act totally irrational when they let certain things slide. But here, the real headache comes from people who actually *do* have common sense—people who know how to set boundaries, how to walk away, and how to keep their confidence intact—yet there's this weird "glitch" online that somehow bypasses all that logic and creates a mess anyway...
I totally agree that people tend to delude themselves in general, but this feels different...
I honestly think the issue lies solely with the person who's "falling in love." But then again, what's the actual trigger for that kind of behavior?
What's the real catch?
As time goes on, you're left with so many unanswered questions hanging over your head.
Why does it happen? Like, how can someone chat for years and then suddenly decide they just can't meet up in person? What is actually going through their heads? And why does it seem to happen to so many people?
Jerry Bishop4 said:Honestly, I don't care that you met him online, but seeing you act this heartbroken over him is just too much 😲
Did you exist before him? Yeah. Will you exist after him? Definitely.
In my experience, nobody is truly irreplaceable. Even the people I would have bet my life on being essential—I've said those exact words myself, only to be proven wrong by reality. Life is tougher than we are, and it moves on without them.
Keep your head up.
Hey, I'm not actually falling apart as much as you might think... I can't really dive into all the other parts of my life in this specific thread... If I did, you’d see I barely even have the energy to be "falling apart" like you're imagining. This thread is focused on one thing, and that's all I'm writing about here.
But I agree with you, and I think you're spot on. Nobody is irreplaceable... absolutely nobody. It’s just hard, because replacing someone you basically invented in your head is a different beast since it happens online, and that's why these girls end up getting hurt so much deeper and becoming so much harsher and more broken... honestly, they're just mentally wrecked by their own illusions; nothing else could break them like that.
That's why I say... this topic needs a serious approach and some actual psychology experts.
Why do we fall in love like this? What's actually happening under the surface?
When we talked in DMs, we concluded it's basically an escape from reality, because for everyone involved, there was usually some major real-life drama going on right before it started...
Plus, no matter how many years you spend living in this digital illusion, your actual problems in the real world are just stagnating, waiting for the day you finally decide to deal with your real life... meanwhile, you're getting all those "perfect" feelings from this virtual world.
So, who are the high-risk groups that get stuck like this? How deep does the impact go?
I'm also curious about the psychological profiles of guys and girls who kill time this way without any goal, and who can't seem to move past the internet even when they offer hope? What is their deal? What actually connects these two types of people? On one side, you have someone desperate for an escape from reality, and on the other, someone who specifically needs that kind of person just to boost their own ego? What's the link there?
Also, what are the red flags for those dangerous manipulators? (One girl mentioned being careful around people who are obsessed with astrology and/or God) That sounded pretty interesting. Is there anything else?
Come on, psychologists, let's hear it—think deeply and give us some real conclusions.
This is the sickness of the modern age.
Feelings are one thing... but I want the facts. The brain is an organ just like any other, and I want to know what goes wrong with the information input—what are we flooding ourselves with that makes it start "malfunctioning"?
Arthur Young4 said:Don't worry, you're perfectly sane.😁 Based on your description, he really is an outlier, so I get why you feel this way. You grew attached because you focused on his best qualities, building this image of a truly exceptional guy who was always there for you. He might just be some misunderstood soul who hasn't figured himself out yet, but keeping you in limbo like that wasn't right. You aren't some emotionless machine; you're a person with feelings that can actually be hurt. Those emotions are hitting hard right now, making it feel like you'll never move on. Don't regret never meeting him in person or blame yourself—it happened the way it had to. You're young, and it isn't worth losing sleep over someone from a screen or a digital space. Time is the only thing that will break the grip of this illusion.
Thanks so much. You really hit the nail on the head and didn't make it out to be some massive crisis that requires a trip to a therapist. To be fair, the girl who suggested that to me wasn't wrong, but I think I'm still holding it together pretty well... Though, I honestly have no idea how deep this wound goes or how much it’s actually going to shift my outlook on life.
After this thread popped up, so many girls reached out to me via DM with the exact same thing happening to them. It's clearly a huge issue...
Does anyone have any theories? What is the deal with these guys? Seriously, what?
Man, time really flies, and I’m finally starting to settle into this new reality... just me, solo. It’s not even like I’ve totally moved on, it’s more like I’m finally realizing how much else is actually going on in my life and how much I was overthinking everything before. I feel way more chill now, though I’ll admit my heart still does a little jump whenever I see a notification and briefly think it might be him...
Nicholas Gonzalez8 said:There's no reason to blame yourself or him. It would have been nice if you two actually met up in person. Still, he has every right to decide if he wants that, so he's not technically in the wrong there. You both agreed to this digital setup, and it lasted as long as it lasted.
Don't sweat it. I hang out with the alternative/spiritual crowd all the time, and I've met plenty of people just like the guy you described. There are plenty of interesting folks out there, and you'll definitely click with someone else sooner or later. 🙂
Look at this as a massive learning opportunity. You learned from the conversations you had and how it all ended. Being head-over-heels is great, but man, it can sting like hell too. On the bright side, there's still a healthy kind of love waiting for you down the road—the kind that isn't based on dependency—and that's where the real happiness happens.
You put that so perfectly...
The only thing I'm stuck on is that whole "dependency" thing people keep throwing at me... Like, isn't it totally natural to want the person you love... and then feel crushed when you lose them? ... I mean, maybe that's not as unnatural as they say? I don't know...