Posts by graniteeagle3

Hello everyone—I have a problem that I never, ever imagined would happen to me, yet here I am, struggling to even believe it’s actually happening.
First, I should probably just come out and say it: I am gay. After years of denial, of questioning my own sanity, and fighting to accept who I am, I finally reached a place of self-acceptance.
Once I accepted being gay, I truly thought the worst was behind me—that nothing could stand in the way of me moving forward. I’ve survived depression, deep feelings of inadequacy, and even suicide attempts; I felt like I was finally ready to find my place in the world. I honestly believed there wasn't a single hurdle left that I couldn't clear. But just when I thought I had solved the biggest issue in my life, a new one appeared—out of nowhere.

Lately, I can't help but wonder: Why does it feel like the worst things always happen to me? Am I destined to spend my entire life just navigating one crisis after another?

To start—I know, deep down, that I am not a pedophile. I know this is all playing tricks on my mind, that it isn't reality, but there is this massive, suffocating seed of doubt inside me: What if I am? What if all these thoughts are true and I'm just refusing to admit it to myself?
It has become incredibly uncomfortable for me to be around children. If I catch myself looking their way, or if I worry that I might seem nervous, I immediately get anxious. Honestly, I feel physically ill when I'm near kids; I find myself instinctively crossing to the other side of the street just to avoid them.
The other day, I was walking with a friend, and a woman walked by with her child. As soon as I saw they were heading toward our path, I hurried my pace just to pass them quickly so I wouldn't have to look at the child. I simply don't understand how this has taken root in my head—it happened so suddenly!
I have always loved children—not in a predatory way, obviously. I used to enjoy playing with them, talking to them, laughing with them. But NOW, if I even glance at a child, my brain immediately screams that I'm a pedophile. If I were to touch a child, or hold them, or let a child sit on my lap—God forbid—I wouldn't just fear being a predator; I'd fear that I was actually committing abuse.
I have this terrifying feeling that I will never be able to act normally around children again, or worse, that if I don't "fix" this, I'll eventually become what I fear. I’m afraid to look at a child because I’m terrified that I might actually feel a sexual attraction. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. O.o I feel like I'm slowly losing my mind, like I'm going to end up in a psychiatric ward for the rest of my life. I am genuinely terrified for my mental health...

How can I walk past children completely normally like I used to—without the nervousness, the negative energy, the anxiety, or the sudden crashes in mood? How can I go back to being the person who looks at a child and that's just it? Now, I’m constantly monitoring myself, trying *not* to look. I am scared, I am in shambles, and I feel terrible.
Here is the spiral of thoughts I can't stop: What if I really am a pedophile? What if I'm not right now, but I become one later? What if I hurt a child, now or in the future? What if this never stops? What if I lose my mind entirely? What if I can never be in a relationship because of this? And so on...
Honestly, friends... I am so confused. I feel like I'm losing my very sense of self, like this isn't even happening to me, but to someone else—it feels surreal.
I have always loved children and being around them. Now, if a woman were to ask me to hold her baby, I would scramble for any excuse to say no, because if I actually did it, I would feel like an abuser.
I don't know what to think anymore. O.o I know I am not a pedophile. Children do not attract me sexually or emotionally. Yet, there is still this persistent seed of doubt within me, and it feels like it may never go away.
Let me give you some examples: I'll be walking down the street, and we all know those moments where random sexual thoughts pop into your head and you feel turned on; in that exact moment, if I look at a child, I immediately think I've become aroused by them.
Second example: Yesterday, I was flipping through a newspaper, saw a photo of two children, and my mood instantly plummeted. Then, my mind immediately drifted to some pornographic image, and I felt aroused. Later, I try to tell myself it wasn't caused by the photo, but the connection is already made in my head.
I'm also terrified that I'll create a false sensation of attraction to children, which will then reinforce the idea that I truly am a pedophile.

Anyway, that’s everything I wanted to say; I don't want to drown you all in my problems.
I love animals, and I love children—just not in a pedophilic or zoophilic way—but it doesn't matter when my brain keeps insisting otherwise.

Jonathan Brooks8 said:Humans are fundamentally social creatures—we don't actually think autonomously, but rather through a "socialized" lens... Society imposes its own set of questions upon the individual and provides ready-made answers, while the individual, through their own thoughts and reasoning, merely flows back into these pre-existing currents.

When someone shifts their perspective—which happens constantly, through daily interactions with neighbors, classmates, or colleagues at work (though, of course, one's core character remains stubbornly fixed)—they do so unconsciously. They rarely notice these shifts as they occur; perhaps only much later does the discrepancy become glaringly obvious.

In the case of the gay "movement," we see yet another distinct social current at play—a process of acclimation, introspection, and the imposition of specific questions and answers. This movement began as a mere seed planted in the collective consciousness during a different era, and it is now surging toward its goal of liberation; a liberation defined by equal rights for everyone, regardless of orientation, or perhaps even the implementation of greater protections for homosexuals as a form of affirmative action...

True, but in certain parts of the world, homosexuality is actually illegal. So, it really does come down to the mentality of a nation and many other contributing factors.
When it comes to the truly core issues, people usually dig their heels in, but they tend to shift their views on the smaller, more trivial topics.
I personally believe that every person should listen to another's arguments—and I mean *listen*, in the truest sense of the word—and then ask themselves whether that person is actually right or not.

We come to this forum to discuss various topics and current events—and quite often, we find ourselves in debates with others who hold perspectives diametrically opposed to our own. In these discussions, some people undergo a genuine shift in perspective, while others... well, they remain steadfast.
It feels as though society constantly imposes its views upon us—as if we aren't permitted to think for ourselves—it’s just "this is how it is," and that's that.
Take, for example, homosexuality; in certain parts of the world, it is treated as a pathology, whereas in others, it is fully accepted. Russia has always been a deeply homophobic nation, but since Putin came to power, through specific anti-gay legislation, they have managed to pivot the entire national sentiment against the community by a full 360 degrees.
Those of us raised in the States—where social expectations can be just as heavy—often find that society, our parents, even our professors, tell us certain things are wrong or "unnatural." Even ten years ago, the media coverage regarding gay individuals was predominantly negative.
So, I wonder—can all of this influence our core values? Does society essentially construct the framework of how we think? In more liberal pockets of America, there are many people who have studied the matter and realized it isn't a disease—or, frankly, they simply don't care what anyone does in their own private life. But, what is the actual likelihood of changing the mind of someone from Russia or a typical Balkanite? Is it mere stubbornness—forcing one's will—or is it perhaps a lack of intellectual curiosity, a refusal to see things from another angle? Should we cling to our convictions, or should we occasionally lower our guard and admit: "Okay, I was wrong"? Is it a matter of pride, perhaps—where people refuse to acknowledge their beliefs are flawed even when presented with sound arguments?
Has it ever happened to you—perhaps here on the forum or among your own circle of friends—that you changed your mind about something? And if so, what was it?
Or consider another example:
In much of American culture, there is this pervasive norm that every man and woman must marry and have children—or at least settle down by a certain age. If they don't, the surrounding community judges them, often using derogatory labels for those who remain single. I know plenty of people who entered marriages solely to satisfy the demands of parents, relatives, and all those nagging voices wanting to see them at the altar. If you were to tell them, "A man or woman doesn't *have* to marry," they would likely snap back: "Why do you have to be that way?" or "They're just fools; their lives have no purpose."
It is incredibly rare to change the minds of such people, because 😁 marriage and children simply aren't for everyone. Some people simply do not want them. To them, it represents an overwhelming obligation, and choosing otherwise is a deeply personal decision.
Furthermore, society drills into us specific norms regarding how men and women ought to behave—there are endless examples of this.
Is it a virtue or a flaw to hold firmly to your convictions? Is it a weakness to change your mind quickly and easily? Our culture tends to be the type that doesn't pivot easily, though, of course, it varies from person to person.
Here is a very recent example: 😁 There are those arriving from somewhere in the East, seeking entry into Europe because they are fleeing war. We don't truly know who they are or where they come from.
And the public is split into two camps: The first believes we should help them and act with humanity. The second argues that there are terrorists among them and that we should send everyone back.
To be honest, I lean toward that first group, though I must admit I held a fairly neutral stance initially. However, after having a bit of a discussion with someone else, I realized that things aren't always as they seem. One really needs to look at matters objectively and attempt to view them from a different vantage point.
Anyway, I'm rambling now—I won't bore you any longer. Do you have any questions? 🍿

You haven't wasted anything—not by a long shot. Every single one of us is constantly striving to reach for something better, something higher—it’s just part of being human, isn't it? Please, stop beating yourself up and carrying around this heavy sense of guilt or feeling like you're somehow less than you were before. There will always be work available—jobs are always out there if you're looking. We all go through these stretches—those inevitable good days and bad ones—it's just the rhythm of life. You have to believe in yourself and what you're capable of. Just keep your head up—don't dwell on what's behind you, just focus on what's ahead. 👍

Nothing has really changed on my end.

I have to admit, I can’t stand injustice any more than the next person—it really gets under my skin—but I’ve come to realize that it’s just an inherent part of this world we live in. It seems like some people are just handed everything on a silver platter from day one, while others... well, others have to fight tooth and nail for every single inch of progress. You see unfairness everywhere you look, no matter where you go in the country, and honestly, seeing it can be quite painful. But at the end of the day, there isn't much any one individual can do to change the fundamental nature of things. I've found it's best to just accept it as one of those unavoidable realities of life.