I think I might be a pedophile. Help?!

Hello everyone—I have a problem that I never, ever imagined would happen to me, yet here I am, struggling to even believe it’s actually happening.
First, I should probably just come out and say it: I am gay. After years of denial, of questioning my own sanity, and fighting to accept who I am, I finally reached a place of self-acceptance.
Once I accepted being gay, I truly thought the worst was behind me—that nothing could stand in the way of me moving forward. I’ve survived depression, deep feelings of inadequacy, and even suicide attempts; I felt like I was finally ready to find my place in the world. I honestly believed there wasn't a single hurdle left that I couldn't clear. But just when I thought I had solved the biggest issue in my life, a new one appeared—out of nowhere.

Lately, I can't help but wonder: Why does it feel like the worst things always happen to me? Am I destined to spend my entire life just navigating one crisis after another?

To start—I know, deep down, that I am not a pedophile. I know this is all playing tricks on my mind, that it isn't reality, but there is this massive, suffocating seed of doubt inside me: What if I am? What if all these thoughts are true and I'm just refusing to admit it to myself?
It has become incredibly uncomfortable for me to be around children. If I catch myself looking their way, or if I worry that I might seem nervous, I immediately get anxious. Honestly, I feel physically ill when I'm near kids; I find myself instinctively crossing to the other side of the street just to avoid them.
The other day, I was walking with a friend, and a woman walked by with her child. As soon as I saw they were heading toward our path, I hurried my pace just to pass them quickly so I wouldn't have to look at the child. I simply don't understand how this has taken root in my head—it happened so suddenly!
I have always loved children—not in a predatory way, obviously. I used to enjoy playing with them, talking to them, laughing with them. But NOW, if I even glance at a child, my brain immediately screams that I'm a pedophile. If I were to touch a child, or hold them, or let a child sit on my lap—God forbid—I wouldn't just fear being a predator; I'd fear that I was actually committing abuse.
I have this terrifying feeling that I will never be able to act normally around children again, or worse, that if I don't "fix" this, I'll eventually become what I fear. I’m afraid to look at a child because I’m terrified that I might actually feel a sexual attraction. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. O.o I feel like I'm slowly losing my mind, like I'm going to end up in a psychiatric ward for the rest of my life. I am genuinely terrified for my mental health...

How can I walk past children completely normally like I used to—without the nervousness, the negative energy, the anxiety, or the sudden crashes in mood? How can I go back to being the person who looks at a child and that's just it? Now, I’m constantly monitoring myself, trying *not* to look. I am scared, I am in shambles, and I feel terrible.
Here is the spiral of thoughts I can't stop: What if I really am a pedophile? What if I'm not right now, but I become one later? What if I hurt a child, now or in the future? What if this never stops? What if I lose my mind entirely? What if I can never be in a relationship because of this? And so on...
Honestly, friends... I am so confused. I feel like I'm losing my very sense of self, like this isn't even happening to me, but to someone else—it feels surreal.
I have always loved children and being around them. Now, if a woman were to ask me to hold her baby, I would scramble for any excuse to say no, because if I actually did it, I would feel like an abuser.
I don't know what to think anymore. O.o I know I am not a pedophile. Children do not attract me sexually or emotionally. Yet, there is still this persistent seed of doubt within me, and it feels like it may never go away.
Let me give you some examples: I'll be walking down the street, and we all know those moments where random sexual thoughts pop into your head and you feel turned on; in that exact moment, if I look at a child, I immediately think I've become aroused by them.
Second example: Yesterday, I was flipping through a newspaper, saw a photo of two children, and my mood instantly plummeted. Then, my mind immediately drifted to some pornographic image, and I felt aroused. Later, I try to tell myself it wasn't caused by the photo, but the connection is already made in my head.
I'm also terrified that I'll create a false sensation of attraction to children, which will then reinforce the idea that I truly am a pedophile.

Anyway, that’s everything I wanted to say; I don't want to drown you all in my problems.
I love animals, and I love children—just not in a pedophilic or zoophilic way—but it doesn't matter when my brain keeps insisting otherwise.

Just my two cents, and I might be totally off base here, but if you think pedophiles aren't afraid of kids, you’re probably just sexually frustrated and taking it out on the wrong targets. It’s kind of like when some straight guys who can't get any action end up turning into creeps because they're too scared to show their lack of experience to an adult, so they settle for a neighbor's ten-year-old niece instead.

So, amateur advice from me: just find a decent partner and blow off some steam. Maybe all this stuff would just go away.

Joseph Sullivan10 said:Just my two cents, and I might be totally off base here, but if you think pedophiles aren't afraid of kids, you’re probably just sexually frustrated and taking it out on the wrong targets. It’s kind of like when some straight guys who can't get any action end up turning into creeps because they're too scared to show their lack of experience to an adult, so they settle for a neighbor's ten-year-old niece instead.

So, amateur advice from me: just find a decent partner and blow off some steam. Maybe all this stuff would just go away.

So, you're suggesting that some pedophiles are actually intimidated by kids? And you honestly think there's a chance that *I* am one of them?
What if my frustration isn't sexual? What if even after trying everything you suggested, nothing changes?

I feel I should add a few more details to this discussion. What if, for instance:
1. I have a regular sex life. It isn’t as though I am dealing with any sexual frustration or feeling particularly stressed out about it.
2. My libido isn't overly intense—in fact, there are times when even masturbation feels rather tedious and uninteresting to me.
In that case, what would your take be?

graniteeagle3 said:Hello everyone—I have a problem that I never, ever imagined would happen to me, yet here I am, struggling to even believe it’s actually happening.
First, I should probably just come out and say it: I am gay. After years of denial, of questioning my own sanity, and fighting to accept who I am, I finally reached a place of self-acceptance.
Once I accepted being gay, I truly thought the worst was behind me—that nothing could stand in the way of me moving forward. I’ve survived depression, deep feelings of inadequacy, and even suicide attempts; I felt like I was finally ready to find my place in the world. I honestly believed there wasn't a single hurdle left that I couldn't clear. But just when I thought I had solved the biggest issue in my life, a new one appeared—out of nowhere.

Lately, I can't help but wonder: Why does it feel like the worst things always happen to me? Am I destined to spend my entire life just navigating one crisis after another?

To start—I know, deep down, that I am not a pedophile. I know this is all playing tricks on my mind, that it isn't reality, but there is this massive, suffocating seed of doubt inside me: What if I am? What if all these thoughts are true and I'm just refusing to admit it to myself?
It has become incredibly uncomfortable for me to be around children. If I catch myself looking their way, or if I worry that I might seem nervous, I immediately get anxious. Honestly, I feel physically ill when I'm near kids; I find myself instinctively crossing to the other side of the street just to avoid them.
The other day, I was walking with a friend, and a woman walked by with her child. As soon as I saw they were heading toward our path, I hurried my pace just to pass them quickly so I wouldn't have to look at the child. I simply don't understand how this has taken root in my head—it happened so suddenly!
I have always loved children—not in a predatory way, obviously. I used to enjoy playing with them, talking to them, laughing with them. But NOW, if I even glance at a child, my brain immediately screams that I'm a pedophile. If I were to touch a child, or hold them, or let a child sit on my lap—God forbid—I wouldn't just fear being a predator; I'd fear that I was actually committing abuse.
I have this terrifying feeling that I will never be able to act normally around children again, or worse, that if I don't "fix" this, I'll eventually become what I fear. I’m afraid to look at a child because I’m terrified that I might actually feel a sexual attraction. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. O.o I feel like I'm slowly losing my mind, like I'm going to end up in a psychiatric ward for the rest of my life. I am genuinely terrified for my mental health...

How can I walk past children completely normally like I used to—without the nervousness, the negative energy, the anxiety, or the sudden crashes in mood? How can I go back to being the person who looks at a child and that's just it? Now, I’m constantly monitoring myself, trying *not* to look. I am scared, I am in shambles, and I feel terrible.
Here is the spiral of thoughts I can't stop: What if I really am a pedophile? What if I'm not right now, but I become one later? What if I hurt a child, now or in the future? What if this never stops? What if I lose my mind entirely? What if I can never be in a relationship because of this? And so on...
Honestly, friends... I am so confused. I feel like I'm losing my very sense of self, like this isn't even happening to me, but to someone else—it feels surreal.
I have always loved children and being around them. Now, if a woman were to ask me to hold her baby, I would scramble for any excuse to say no, because if I actually did it, I would feel like an abuser.
I don't know what to think anymore. O.o I know I am not a pedophile. Children do not attract me sexually or emotionally. Yet, there is still this persistent seed of doubt within me, and it feels like it may never go away.
Let me give you some examples: I'll be walking down the street, and we all know those moments where random sexual thoughts pop into your head and you feel turned on; in that exact moment, if I look at a child, I immediately think I've become aroused by them.
Second example: Yesterday, I was flipping through a newspaper, saw a photo of two children, and my mood instantly plummeted. Then, my mind immediately drifted to some pornographic image, and I felt aroused. Later, I try to tell myself it wasn't caused by the photo, but the connection is already made in my head.
I'm also terrified that I'll create a false sensation of attraction to children, which will then reinforce the idea that I truly am a pedophile.

Anyway, that’s everything I wanted to say; I don't want to drown you all in my problems.
I love animals, and I love children—just not in a pedophilic or zoophilic way—but it doesn't matter when my brain keeps insisting otherwise.

So, when you start writing these long-winded essays on a forum, do you actually know what you're putting out there?
"What if?" "What if?" Give me a break. Anyone can get gripped by an obsession or a random intrusive thought about anything. "What if I actually act on these compulsions?" "What if I forget to turn the steering wheel during a sharp turn on the highway?" Well, guess what? You won't. You'll just keep driving.
It's the exact same logic for you. If you were actually a pedophile, it would eventually surface. Though, I have to admit, looking at the actual predators we see in the news, I don't recall them ever posting about their "doubts" or "fears" before they finally acted on their twisted fantasies.
But look, if you are some new breed of "self-aware" predator in the making, then do the right thing and report to a proper mental health institution or a specialized clinic immediately to seek help. I have no idea exactly what kind of clinical intervention that involves, but those professionals will tell you everything you need to know.

Could this just be a lingering echo from when you were still figuring out your sexuality and trying to deny it to yourself? Even though you've come to peace with being gay now, maybe that old internal struggle—that deep-seated tension—is still hanging around in your subconscious and manifesting this way? It’s a lot like how someone might go through an incredibly stressful period at work or in a relationship, and even after the actual cause is gone, they’re still left dealing with things like anxiety or trouble sleeping.

It really seems like this fear has taken such a hold on you that it's starting to mess with your day-to-day life, doesn't it? As much as it sounds easier said than done, you truly need to find ways to unwind, practice some self-care, and try to shift your focus away from these intrusive thoughts about being a predator; honestly, just try to redirect your brain toward other things and dive into activities that relax you and keep your mind occupied. Most importantly, and definitely the hardest part, is to learn to love yourself and work toward total self-acceptance.

What would actually help you most, though, is something only you can decide! It could be anything from hitting the gym or doing yoga to meditation, getting lost in a good book, focusing on your career, picking up a hobby, traveling, hanging out with friends, or even talking to a counselor (though I personally wouldn't suggest seeing a psychiatrist right now because things could end up going south for you)... just please, be gentle and patient with yourself, give yourself plenty of time, and slowly try to steer your thoughts in a different direction until they eventually fade away. It is possible, otherwise people would never move past their darkest moments!

Based on what I know about self-help, I usually find relief by taking a "so what if it's true?" approach to my own fears. If I just tell myself, "Okay, let's say this thing I'm terrified of actually happened, now what?", I often realize that the monster in my head is way bigger than any reality could ever be, and suddenly, the fear loses its power over me. I don't know if you're ready for that kind of mental heavy lifting because it takes massive courage to face your demons head-on, so if you don't feel strong enough right now to sit there comfortably and say, "Fine, even if I were a pedophile," then please, don't force yourself to do it before you're ready.

Reading this...
It’s honestly exhausting. It's not even about whether you are or aren't a predator; it's just that the sheer chaos in your head is hitting levels I didn't think were possible. 😂
You're never going to get better because...
nah, I don't see it happening. 🤣
You still have plenty of sex in your life, and then there's this...

My advice? Just go out and hurt yourself.
Either cut your junk off so sex stops running your entire existence... I swear, it feels like your whole life revolves around nothing else, so there you go...
Either deal with the dick or fix your brain...
One of those things has to go...

Is this a ban?
Hope not.

Andrew Doyle said:So, when you start writing these long-winded essays on a forum, do you actually know what you're putting out there?
"What if?" "What if?" Give me a break. Anyone can get gripped by an obsession or a random intrusive thought about anything. "What if I actually act on these compulsions?" "What if I forget to turn the steering wheel during a sharp turn on the highway?" Well, guess what? You won't. You'll just keep driving.
It's the exact same logic for you. If you were actually a pedophile, it would eventually surface. Though, I have to admit, looking at the actual predators we see in the news, I don't recall them ever posting about their "doubts" or "fears" before they finally acted on their twisted fantasies.
But look, if you are some new breed of "self-aware" predator in the making, then do the right thing and report to a proper mental health institution or a specialized clinic immediately to seek help. I have no idea exactly what kind of clinical intervention that involves, but those professionals will tell you everything you need to know.

Look, I'm sorry if my long posts bother you... I was honestly just trying to offload some of this weight I've been carrying and share it with someone.
It just came out of nowhere—this thought—and I'm just saying that I have this overwhelming doubt that I might be... well, you know.

Don't sweat it too much... Actual predators and creeps don't usually come out that candidly about their intentions...
There are times I catch myself wondering if I'm even wired that way, yet I’ve never felt any actual attraction to men.
It’s really just a glitch in the brain's wiring.
The human mind runs on habit, and sometimes you just need to hit the reset button to get back on track.
The sheer volume of pornography out there can be incredibly disorienting. We're being flooded with so much stimuli that our internal processors can't quite keep up with the data stream, leaving everything feeling muddled and confused...
It takes a bit of time to step back and actually connect the dots between cause and effect...

Michael Diaz6 said:Reading this...
It’s honestly exhausting. It's not even about whether you are or aren't a predator; it's just that the sheer chaos in your head is hitting levels I didn't think were possible. 😂
You're never going to get better because...
nah, I don't see it happening. 🤣
You still have plenty of sex in your life, and then there's this...

My advice? Just go out and hurt yourself.
Either cut your junk off so sex stops running your entire existence... I swear, it feels like your whole life revolves around nothing else, so there you go...
Either deal with the dick or fix your brain...
One of those things has to go...

Is this a ban?
Hope not.

😲😲
No comment... I think I need a moment to process this before I can feel normal again.

Samuel Price6 said:Don't sweat it too much... Actual predators and creeps don't usually come out that candidly about their intentions...
There are times I catch myself wondering if I'm even wired that way, yet I’ve never felt any actual attraction to men.
It’s really just a glitch in the brain's wiring.
The human mind runs on habit, and sometimes you just need to hit the reset button to get back on track.
The sheer volume of pornography out there can be incredibly disorienting. We're being flooded with so much stimuli that our internal processors can't quite keep up with the data stream, leaving everything feeling muddled and confused...
It takes a bit of time to step back and actually connect the dots between cause and effect...

I'm inclined to agree. Honestly, though, my head feels like a constant storm is brewing inside it. The hardest part is this persistent, nagging thought: "What if it's true?" That doubt just won't quit. It’s genuinely frightening... and the idea that I might have to carry this secret forever—that I won't be able to act naturally or feel at ease when I'm around children—well, that is a truly terrifying prospect.

graniteeagle3 said:😲😲
No comment... I think I need a moment to process this before I can feel normal again.

Alright then... stop acting like sex is 90% of your existence.
And look... just remember you actually have control over what you do...
Even if you are some kind of predator...
If you can't even control your own body, then I'm telling you...
A knife is your best bet

Donna Doyle2 said:Could this just be a lingering echo from when you were still figuring out your sexuality and trying to deny it to yourself? Even though you've come to peace with being gay now, maybe that old internal struggle—that deep-seated tension—is still hanging around in your subconscious and manifesting this way? It’s a lot like how someone might go through an incredibly stressful period at work or in a relationship, and even after the actual cause is gone, they’re still left dealing with things like anxiety or trouble sleeping.

It really seems like this fear has taken such a hold on you that it's starting to mess with your day-to-day life, doesn't it? As much as it sounds easier said than done, you truly need to find ways to unwind, practice some self-care, and try to shift your focus away from these intrusive thoughts about being a predator; honestly, just try to redirect your brain toward other things and dive into activities that relax you and keep your mind occupied. Most importantly, and definitely the hardest part, is to learn to love yourself and work toward total self-acceptance.

What would actually help you most, though, is something only you can decide! It could be anything from hitting the gym or doing yoga to meditation, getting lost in a good book, focusing on your career, picking up a hobby, traveling, hanging out with friends, or even talking to a counselor (though I personally wouldn't suggest seeing a psychiatrist right now because things could end up going south for you)... just please, be gentle and patient with yourself, give yourself plenty of time, and slowly try to steer your thoughts in a different direction until they eventually fade away. It is possible, otherwise people would never move past their darkest moments!

Based on what I know about self-help, I usually find relief by taking a "so what if it's true?" approach to my own fears. If I just tell myself, "Okay, let's say this thing I'm terrified of actually happened, now what?", I often realize that the monster in my head is way bigger than any reality could ever be, and suddenly, the fear loses its power over me. I don't know if you're ready for that kind of mental heavy lifting because it takes massive courage to face your demons head-on, so if you don't feel strong enough right now to sit there comfortably and say, "Fine, even if I were a pedophile," then please, don't force yourself to do it before you're ready.

I definitely need to find something to keep me busy. It's very possible this is all stemming from boredom. Besides, I've always dealt with intrusive, irrational thoughts...
Thanks for the post 🙂

graniteeagle3 said:Look, I'm sorry if my long posts bother you... I was honestly just trying to offload some of this weight I've been carrying and share it with someone.
It just came out of nowhere—this thought—and I'm just saying that I have this overwhelming doubt that I might be... well, you know.

Nothing you're doing bothers me, not even the long-winded posts. My point was simply that you present things as absolute certainties, only to immediately follow them up with doubt after doubt. That's why I told you that we all deal with uncertainty, but if you keep spiraling like this, you risk turning a passing thought into a full-blown obsession—which seems to be exactly what you've done here.
Let me be clear: if you actually were a predator, it would come to light eventually. It wouldn't stay confined to your own internal doubts because those kinds of impulses are far too powerful to be kept under control forever.
In my opinion, you aren't anything of the sort. However, if you continue to obsessively feed these thoughts, you really ought to reach out to a mental health professional. You need to figure out what's actually driving these fears and find out where they're coming from.

Michael Diaz6 said:Alright then... stop acting like sex is 90% of your existence.
And look... just remember you actually have control over what you do...
Even if you are some kind of predator...
If you can't even control your own body, then I'm telling you...
A knife is your best bet

First off—just as a side note—I would never dream of suggesting a diet to anyone... assuming that was what you were implying? Because, frankly, I don't even know if I fit that description myself—and I mean this with total sincerity—but I have these doubts about whether I am a pedophile or not. It's strange... one part of my mind tells me yes, while another insists no.
As for sex being 90% of my life? Are you kidding me? That's preposterous.
If someone has a very low libido—someone who isn't constantly preoccupied with sexual thoughts or feeling turned on all the time—then that person is me... quite simply.

graniteeagle3 said:First off—just as a side note—I would never dream of suggesting a diet to anyone... assuming that was what you were implying? Because, frankly, I don't even know if I fit that description myself—and I mean this with total sincerity—but I have these doubts about whether I am a pedophile or not. It's strange... one part of my mind tells me yes, while another insists no.
As for sex being 90% of my life? Are you kidding me? That's preposterous.
If someone has a very low libido—someone who isn't constantly preoccupied with sexual thoughts or feeling turned on all the time—then that person is me... quite simply.

So there you go... you see what kind of mental loop you're stuck in...
you're just spiraling...
Look...
Just chill out.
It's not like it's written on your forehead.
You aren't a pedophile... your brain is just playing tricks on you.
Go give a kid a hug like you're their parent (or whatever gender you identify as 😂) and just stop overthinking it.

Michael Diaz6 said:So there you go... you see what kind of mental loop you're stuck in...
you're just spiraling...
Look...
Just chill out.
It's not like it's written on your forehead.
You aren't a pedophile... your brain is just playing tricks on you.
Go give a kid a hug like you're their parent (or whatever gender you identify as 😂) and just stop overthinking it.

So, you think I should just go out and hug someone to make this fear disappear? I mean... it isn't a bad idea, really... but for now, I just don't have the nerve. Not until I find some actual courage and these intrusive thoughts finally decide to leave me alone.
My mind has always been my own worst enemy—it's just how I am, I suppose.
If I were to read something here on the forum right now that truly shook me, I could end up spiraling over it for days on end.

Andrew Doyle said:Nothing you're doing bothers me, not even the long-winded posts. My point was simply that you present things as absolute certainties, only to immediately follow them up with doubt after doubt. That's why I told you that we all deal with uncertainty, but if you keep spiraling like this, you risk turning a passing thought into a full-blown obsession—which seems to be exactly what you've done here.
Let me be clear: if you actually were a predator, it would come to light eventually. It wouldn't stay confined to your own internal doubts because those kinds of impulses are far too powerful to be kept under control forever.
In my opinion, you aren't anything of the sort. However, if you continue to obsessively feed these thoughts, you really ought to reach out to a mental health professional. You need to figure out what's actually driving these fears and find out where they're coming from.

Honestly, if that were true, I wouldn't be able to live with myself...
I just don't know what has come over me lately.
It's just... usually, I'm not someone who deals with obsessions or irrational thoughts, but once I start questioning something or fixating on a specific idea, I fall into this obsessive loop and I just can't shake it.
The real struggle is the panic that sets in when it starts—it’s like a physical sensation, and I just can't find my footing or calm down.
And yet, I know I need to remain calm.
Thanks for listening, anyway...

graniteeagle3 said:So, you think I should just go out and hug someone to make this fear disappear? I mean... it isn't a bad idea, really... but for now, I just don't have the nerve. Not until I find some actual courage and these intrusive thoughts finally decide to leave me alone.
My mind has always been my own worst enemy—it's just how I am, I suppose.
If I were to read something here on the forum right now that truly shook me, I could end up spiraling over it for days on end.

The longer you wait, the more weight you give this, and eventually, you'll trick your own subconscious into believing the lie.
Stop overthinking it and just say it out loud:
"I am not a predator, and I never will be."
Face the fear head-on.
Just don't turn it into some massive drama because the mind is a tricky thing.
It's like if a guy genuinely believes he's pregnant—his body can actually start mimicking pregnancy symptoms.
If you believe you're going to get sick... you will.
(That’s why you see those health nuts who live perfectly clean lives end up hitting the ICU—they're obsessed with staying healthy because they're terrified, just like you.)

Let it go...
Don't dwell on it; it's dangerous territory.
Stop making it a huge deal.
Your brain belongs to you, and yeah, it’s going to throw weird stuff at you sometimes.
Seriously...
WATCH WHAT YOU THINK 70% OF THE TIME—because that becomes your reality.

graniteeagle3 said:Hello everyone—I have a problem that I never, ever imagined would happen to me, yet here I am, struggling to even believe it’s actually happening.
First, I should probably just come out and say it: I am gay. After years of denial, of questioning my own sanity, and fighting to accept who I am, I finally reached a place of self-acceptance.
Once I accepted being gay, I truly thought the worst was behind me—that nothing could stand in the way of me moving forward. I’ve survived depression, deep feelings of inadequacy, and even suicide attempts; I felt like I was finally ready to find my place in the world. I honestly believed there wasn't a single hurdle left that I couldn't clear. But just when I thought I had solved the biggest issue in my life, a new one appeared—out of nowhere.

Lately, I can't help but wonder: Why does it feel like the worst things always happen to me? Am I destined to spend my entire life just navigating one crisis after another?

To start—I know, deep down, that I am not a pedophile. I know this is all playing tricks on my mind, that it isn't reality, but there is this massive, suffocating seed of doubt inside me: What if I am? What if all these thoughts are true and I'm just refusing to admit it to myself?
It has become incredibly uncomfortable for me to be around children. If I catch myself looking their way, or if I worry that I might seem nervous, I immediately get anxious. Honestly, I feel physically ill when I'm near kids; I find myself instinctively crossing to the other side of the street just to avoid them.
The other day, I was walking with a friend, and a woman walked by with her child. As soon as I saw they were heading toward our path, I hurried my pace just to pass them quickly so I wouldn't have to look at the child. I simply don't understand how this has taken root in my head—it happened so suddenly!
I have always loved children—not in a predatory way, obviously. I used to enjoy playing with them, talking to them, laughing with them. But NOW, if I even glance at a child, my brain immediately screams that I'm a pedophile. If I were to touch a child, or hold them, or let a child sit on my lap—God forbid—I wouldn't just fear being a predator; I'd fear that I was actually committing abuse.
I have this terrifying feeling that I will never be able to act normally around children again, or worse, that if I don't "fix" this, I'll eventually become what I fear. I’m afraid to look at a child because I’m terrified that I might actually feel a sexual attraction. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. O.o I feel like I'm slowly losing my mind, like I'm going to end up in a psychiatric ward for the rest of my life. I am genuinely terrified for my mental health...

How can I walk past children completely normally like I used to—without the nervousness, the negative energy, the anxiety, or the sudden crashes in mood? How can I go back to being the person who looks at a child and that's just it? Now, I’m constantly monitoring myself, trying *not* to look. I am scared, I am in shambles, and I feel terrible.
Here is the spiral of thoughts I can't stop: What if I really am a pedophile? What if I'm not right now, but I become one later? What if I hurt a child, now or in the future? What if this never stops? What if I lose my mind entirely? What if I can never be in a relationship because of this? And so on...
Honestly, friends... I am so confused. I feel like I'm losing my very sense of self, like this isn't even happening to me, but to someone else—it feels surreal.
I have always loved children and being around them. Now, if a woman were to ask me to hold her baby, I would scramble for any excuse to say no, because if I actually did it, I would feel like an abuser.
I don't know what to think anymore. O.o I know I am not a pedophile. Children do not attract me sexually or emotionally. Yet, there is still this persistent seed of doubt within me, and it feels like it may never go away.
Let me give you some examples: I'll be walking down the street, and we all know those moments where random sexual thoughts pop into your head and you feel turned on; in that exact moment, if I look at a child, I immediately think I've become aroused by them.
Second example: Yesterday, I was flipping through a newspaper, saw a photo of two children, and my mood instantly plummeted. Then, my mind immediately drifted to some pornographic image, and I felt aroused. Later, I try to tell myself it wasn't caused by the photo, but the connection is already made in my head.
I'm also terrified that I'll create a false sensation of attraction to children, which will then reinforce the idea that I truly am a pedophile.

Anyway, that’s everything I wanted to say; I don't want to drown you all in my problems.
I love animals, and I love children—just not in a pedophilic or zoophilic way—but it doesn't matter when my brain keeps insisting otherwise.

This whole loop you're stuck in sounds like a textbook case of OCD. You aren't a pedophile. Also, it might be worth looking into your sexual orientation—are you absolutely sure you're gay?
Since you've been struggling to figure out your sexuality for years, it makes sense that there are lingering insecurities and frustrations messing with your head. That frustration, combined with compulsive thoughts and depression, basically clears a path for this disorder. It seems like this fear popped up—this dread that your sexuality might take an unexpected turn—and because "pedophile" is such a terrifying, deviant label, your mind latched onto it. Now you're just stuck in a loop, obsessing from sunrise to sunset, searching for reasons why you are one and reasons why you aren't...
It’s incredibly draining. Look, seeing children as vulnerable beings naturally triggers protective instincts in us, but you've twisted those protective feelings into sexual attraction (which isn't true), and now you're hunting for evidence to prove you're a pedophile. If you go looking for trouble, you're going to find it. Maybe during a fantasy, a random image of a child flashed through your mind by accident, it triggered the fear, and now it's just swirling around inside you constantly...
The usual way to deal with OCD is to try and accept whatever it is you're most afraid of. If you're scared of being a pedophile, try accepting the *thought* that you are. Once you lean into the worst-case scenario, the fear usually loses its grip.
There are also plenty of people who live in fear of being gay. Even if they aren't emotionally or sexually attracted to men, that underlying anxiety and discomfort can easily get confused with arousal when they see someone of the same sex, which just feeds the fear cycle. So, I'd suggest re-evaluating your sexuality—have you had sex with guys or girls, and which one did you actually enjoy more?

For instance, in your post, you spent sentence after sentence describing your fears of being a pedophile, even though you've never actually harmed a child. You're essentially bombarding yourself with these thoughts day and night, and it's a vicious cycle. First, the thought itself is frustrating, then the fact that you can't escape it becomes the problem. The more you fight that reality, the stronger it gets, until you end up in a psych ward because you just can't function anymore...

So, acceptance—try to imagine that you *are* a pedophile and you'll see the fear start to fade on its own. Stop labeling yourself with these obsessive thoughts; just realize they are ONLY OBSESSIONS IN YOUR HEAD. Your brain is playing games with you, inventing horror stories, but that isn't who you are. If you can't handle it, go straight to a psychologist for therapy and treatment...

A quick question: do you use porn, and could there be a link between that and your fear of being gay or a pedophile? Also, have you run into any issues sexually—like masochism, trouble enjoying sex, issues with masturbation, reaching orgasm, or just staying focused on your fantasies...?

You can read a bit more about NATO here if you're interested:
http://www.vaspsiholog.com/2014/03/h...oremecaj-hokp/