Posts by Jason Kim6

wanderingmoose13 said:Why on earth would you view those as mere compliments? And why wouldn't you be able to claim that title?
When you say castrated, what do you mean by that? Are we talking emotional...??

Why do I think they're compliments? If someone tells you that you're an interesting person, that's—I guess—a compliment. Being interesting is fine. But what does being interesting actually matter if your life isn't going well? It might be better to just be totally ordinary and uninteresting—just average—but have luck (health) and actual satisfaction in life.
As for why I couldn't be a genius—it's because I haven't actually invented anything (that doesn't mean I haven't had ideas that I can't execute—like, say, building a machine to read thoughts, since thoughts are basically silent speech and physical movements of the speech apparatus—if you could record that, you could read minds; or how we'll eventually watch movies in newspapers and things like that).
Castrated in what sense? That’s a long story. Anyway—someone might think I'm stupid just because I'm not social, or because I express myself too simply. "If intelligence is beautiful, then I want to be beautiful: the new Mr. Complex Sentence." Intelligence doesn't necessarily have to be beautiful; it can be quite destructive. And there are different types of intelligence. For instance, I try to avoid complex sentences. But does that mean someone who uses complicated sentences—clumsily, barely finishing a thought—is intellectually superior to me? Or are they just muddled? Castration literally means removing external organs—removing testicles. But it also means destroying their function. So, a man could still be castrated even if he technically has them. There is also a metaphorical sense to it. Incapacity. I am prevented from everything. (There are other things I might mention later)...

wanderingmoose13 said:Do you have any help? I really hope you aren't trying to tackle this all on your own.
Please, don't turn your back on therapy. Seriously, just give it a chance.

You mentioned that your psychiatrist actually noted how complex and interesting you are. Honestly, that’s such a good sign—it means they’re actually listening to you and truly engaging with what you have to say!

They were trying to do the best they could for you. At the end of the day, doctors aren't gods.
They did everything within their power.
You really need to find a way to let go of this anger. Instead of draining your energy and wasting precious time being furious, try focusing on anything that might actually improve your current situation. Holding onto this is only hurting you.

Those compliments don't mean much to me—none of it does. My therapist told me I had a streak of genius, basically called me a genius—but what good is that when I'm just a neutered genius?!

If you want to, go ahead and end it. Personally, I’ve felt like doing the same—my best friend took his own life, so I guess I just don't care about anyone anymore. No more sympathy left to give. Still, maybe your obsession could actually turn into some decent literature—if that's more your style. So...

Mark Martin10 said:I'm trying to picture the scenario where a guy approaches a woman, they meet, and he goes: "I possess a depth of spirit as profound as my desires, along with a benevolence capable of rigorous firmness, which I switch between with ease. My views on women are purely traditional; I view them as a possession to be kept, a property to be locked away, destined for submission, through which perfection is achieved. Marry me."

(According to the internet, this is what Frederick would say)

I bet any woman would fall head over heels for a "sage" like that.

Well, I think this is a very profound and relevant quote. It's from Nietzsche, right?!
No—if some man thinks of women in an orientalist way, then it would be logical for him to find a woman from the East. I mean, what American woman is going to let herself be viewed through that lens? The West has become mired in equality and emancipation. But then again—women love and want dominant men. It isn't about saying "I am a dominant man," rather, one actually has to be it. As they say—it's about being more than just appearing so.

Maybe it’s just easier to end it all—then you don't have any more (relationship) problems to deal with.

Nancy Bishop4 said:What a joke. Personally, I’ve run into dozens of guys like this who have had massive success with women, and they were chosen over those "intellectually stimulating" or "spiritually deep" types every single time, for very obvious reasons.

Exactly. If some guy looks like an Apollo walks up to a girl, everything he says is suddenly cool or interesting—he's just "smart," I guess. It’s easy to be charming when you're attractive. But if someone who isn't an Apollo—or is actually the opposite—approaches her, he's never smart enough or interesting enough; everything he says is just stupid and unfunny, simply because he doesn't have the perfect build or a handsome face. An Apollo can say anything and win. Meanwhile, some poor guy won't stand a chance even if he tries quoting the Bible, the Vedas, Schopenhauer, or Nietzsche—or even if he makes up his own quotes—it’s never quite good enough.

shadowheron49 said:I’m really hoping I can find some solid advice here, maybe some coping strategies or self-help techniques to help me deal with this.

I think we all have that underlying fear of death, right? Or maybe it's just me...
I'm not sure if "phobia" is even the right word, but if it is, then my constant, overwhelming terror definitely qualifies.

Even when I was a little kid, just hearing the word "death" was enough to keep me wide awake all night long; and honestly, even though I’ve never actually witnessed anything traumatic or seen a dead body, this fear is so intense it feels like it could literally consume me.

I actually managed to find some peace for a few years there—I could even sleep in total darkness, which used to be an impossible mission for me.
But... it’s all coming back.

Basically, the other day, I had to witness someone I care about having a stroke right in front of my eyes (usually, nothing shocks me, but this was different), and seeing someone actually dying for the first time in my 25 years... I was covering my eyes, totally spiraling, and when I had to call 911, I was so out of it that I forgot my own name, let alone how to dial emergency services...

And now, it's all starting again...
Now I can't stand being in a dimly lit room, I can't be alone, I can't handle silence, and any sudden noise makes me jump and freeze up; plus, as if to spite me, the power tripped earlier and now I'm just shaking from pure terror—it's like fear is literally running through my veins.
I find myself leaving all the doors open because I can't stand being enclosed, and I'm constantly seeking out crowds, yet I can't bring myself to go near where that accident happened...
I just can't.
If I see even the tiniest shadow move, I bolt like a soldier surviving a grenade blast—it's that visceral.
Right now, I’d honestly rather be standing out in the rain than inside a closed room.
This behavior used to haunt me for a while, and it actually turned my hair gray by the time I hit 25.
Some people think it’s just genetics (though they can't point to anyone specific since I started graying at 18), and others just write off my extreme fear as part of my personality, but for me, this causes real, tangible problems.
Now that I know what's coming, I'm desperate for advice or anything at all, because I can't live like this for another second.
What am I going to do when a family member passes away one day? I know it's inevitable... what will I do? And God forbid I end up being alone with them...
Just thinking about it makes me feel sick.
Do I need to see a psychologist?

Because my brain is always overanalyzing everything, I can't help but dive into the deepest, darkest thoughts about mortality in a way most "normal" people probably wouldn't; I've tried searching for the truth about the soul, trying to prove to myself that death isn't real or scary.
While everyone else around me is grieving at funerals, I'm just paralyzed with fear; I wouldn't even touch a deceased person, nor would I sit in a chair where they once sat—my family actually threw out the couch where a man passed away, and I wouldn't dare touch a glass someone died using... I'd rather just burn everything and toss it out (one day I might have to clear out the whole house if things don't change)...
The thing is... with everything I know about the nature of death, you'd think I'd be the last person to fear it, but despite all my logic, this living phobia is stronger than I am.
I can't even walk past a place where someone died...
It’s just too much... I can't live like this...

What am I actually afraid of?
I don't know.
But it's this feeling that death itself is spreading through the room, like a black shadow hovering nearby...
Like even the objects belonging to a dead person are dying...
That sensation that the deceased are trying to reach out to me, that they're right there...
And the worst part...
Is looking at myself and realizing I'm nothing more than a collection of meat and bones... essentially dead already even though I'm still breathing... it's like I'm carrying death inside me... I feel this urge to run away from my own body, from this physical shell that I see torn apart so often on the news or on a dinner plate...
Even seeing an animal die absolutely terrifies me.

When I hug someone and hear their heartbeat and their breathing...
It feels eerie to me...
And honestly, I’ve never been much of a touchy-feely person
but when it comes to the one I truly love...
The only thing that actually gets to me is knowing that eventually, they won't be here anymore...

How do you even begin to stop being terrified of death and just accept it as part of life?
Because for me, death definitely doesn't feel natural at all....

Just a heap of flesh, bone, nerves, and atoms. There isn't actually anything "alive" there that can die. But the world is a dangerous place—I guess. How we face and overcome that fear of death is what defines our quality of life. If you're living in fear, you aren't really living at all.

Nicole Barrett76 said:The real danger lies in being miscategorized from the start, because once you're placed in the wrong box, the entire course of treatment follows that flawed logic.

Take the case of Dr. Bianca Vuksan Ćusa; she’s currently working in a department at Mayo Clinic, but back in 2002 and 2003, she was with the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. When I went to see her for my third appointment—mind you, I went there entirely on my own volition, nobody had to "push" or coerce me into seeking help—she handed me a diagnosis of intellectual disability. To make matters even more harrowing, she didn't have the decency to tell me that diagnosis to my face during the exam; instead, I suffered the shock alone while walking away from the hospital complex toward the bus stop for Saint Jude's.

Can you imagine being told you have cancer, only for the oncologist to lack the emotional fortitude to look you in the eye, dropping the news without offering any comfort during that initial, devastating shock?

She simply couldn't, wouldn't, or perhaps didn't deem it necessary to confront me directly and provide support while I processed the news, even if it was just for five or ten minutes to let the reality sink in. And here is the critical distinction: an oncologist isn't necessarily a specialist in human emotion, whereas a psychiatrist is supposed to be. One might find such a lapse excusable in an oncologist, though even then, it would be hard to forgive; but for a psychiatrist, it is fundamentally different.

Despite that initial failure, she remains the finest psychiatrist I have ever encountered. None of the others have measured up to her. In fact, I recommended her in the psychological recommendations just a few moments ago.

Once the initial shock subsided, I continued seeing her, yet I found myself unable to truly move past that moment. During one session, I finally blurted out, "You know what's new? I'm leaving." A psychiatrist shouldn't show surprise when a patient makes such a statement, but she couldn't hide her astonishment. By the very next session, after having issued that diagnosis, she corrected it and wrote a different one. She didn't treat me as if I were intellectually disabled.

But honestly, she had only seen me three times before throwing that diagnosis at me, despite all the circumstances suggesting otherwise—the only thing I could do during that third session was laugh, albeit unwillingly, while describing a conflict at work involving a child.

Naturally, I hoped for better therapy from other specialists, but what I experienced with two of them was so bad I won't even mention it. Now, I am seeing someone who is neither the pinnacle of the profession nor the absolute bottom; she is quite average. Yet, Dr. Vuksan knew how to treat me best, regardless of that initial diagnostic error.

So, Robin Lopez2, there is actually a significant benefit to not being "pigeonholed" right away. It forces clinicians to remain vigilant and meticulous when forming a diagnosis. Once that label is applied, however, a rigid treatment protocol follows, leaving very little room for nuance or adjustment.

Who is this idiot who wrote that you're mentally retarded? Seriously, what a joke. From what I've seen, you're just a guy dealing with health issues—physical ones, specifically. I don't see how that has anything to do with mental retardation. Good grief!

Betty Fowler said:Did Amon happen to study at UC Berkeley for his science degree?

No—I guess Amon only finished elementary school.

e, I was just thinking—maybe you should make your fate serve you, rather than letting your fate be the thing that breaks you. Someone once told me we’re all victims of life in our own way, I guess.

Harold Anderson3 said:Could someone please lock or just delete this thread? Honestly, I’m cringing at the title and everything else I wrote here. Thanks!

Harold Anderson3, please don't do anything drastic. Taking your own life would—I guess you could say—only end up hurting yourself and everyone around you, including us here. We're all just dealing with our own fates, I suppose. I couldn't tell Amon to stop because I had no idea he was even going to do it, but now... I'm telling you.

northerncobra27 said:You’re actually spot on regarding my opinion—it isn't going to budge. You read the situation perfectly, though, since it wasn't really my intention to get into a deep debate here, especially knowing how fixed your stance is. To be honest, I was more curious to see how you’d react to the specific approach suggested by the other Mao.😁 So, you aren't stupid, which is a decent starting point at least.

The reason I phrased things that way... well, I still remember your last thread where you quite clearly stated that you weren't looking for constructive input, so I decided to just stay out of it entirely. There were plenty of helpful suggestions offered back then, anyway. And what ended up happening? After a while—I can't quite remember if it was a few months or maybe even a year—here you are again, facing the exact same hurdles and airing the exact same grievances.

If your ultimate goal is just to wander through these forums fishing for sympathy or a pat on the head, well, you're doing a great job, so keep at it if that's what makes you happy. There will always be someone willing to play along with that need for validation. But if you actually want to move the needle in your life, you've already been given more than enough advice; you might just need to step away from the screen and focus on your actual day-to-day reality. Then again, people have already told you that too, so... o&o 👋

It isn't that he doesn't want to—I think it's more that he's neurotic. Similar to me, really. Something in his life went wrong—messed everything up. It's all psychological. Why do others manage while he can't? He just feels incapable.

I recently saw a top-tier psychiatrist. He told me it isn't schizophrenia—it’s core neurosis. When I asked why my doctor at the Mayo Clinic diagnosed me with residual schizophrenia, he just said my personality is too fragmented for her to see anything else. Apparently, I wasn't born this way—my parents ruined me.
He went on to say that even if it is schizophrenia, it shouldn't matter; there's a thin line between genius and madness. He claimed I have a streak of brilliance in me—that my brain just runs faster than most people's due to certain neural centers—and that my obsessions and constant associations are just part of that process.

If your goal is to turn your child into a mental patient—well, by all means, keep mistreating them!

Look, Visionary—if you can find it in yourself to forgive, then I guess God has already forgiven you too. At least, that’s what some smart guy once told me. Besides—I used to think you were more depressed than schizophrenic.
You’re being way too hard on yourself.🙏

Carol Barrett2 said:Look, I’m not a saint, but I’m not a monster either. I know that much. I’m owning it—no denials, no hiding here. The real question is just how far gone I am. And yeah, I’m definitely not perfect or sinless—I'm aware of that, and honestly, the Bible backs me up there. I agree with the Book; I have no interest in being some hypocrite claiming I'm pure.

I just hope I haven't caused too much wreckage or done too much harm in my time. As for doing good? I don't know. I'm not exactly a philanthropist, nor do I particularly remember being one. But let it be known that I've made a genuine effort to avoid hurting people on purpose. That said—realistically—I have done wrong by others in my life.

😢 = Unfortunately

Look... your remorse says a lot about you. You feel regret—that's a good sign, I suppose. Maybe you should go to confession so a priest can give you absolution. Don't dwell on your guilt too much. Jesus said, "Go and sin no more."

Carol Barrett2 said:So, looks like I’ve got schizophrenia—and honestly, it feels like I’m just a bad, miserable, toxic person. The worst part? I don't even realize I'm doing it. It's all on me.

You have schizophrenia just like I do. You've just let certain things get stuck in your head. This isn't schizophrenia. If you were actually evil, you wouldn't be worrying about being evil.

Psychiatrists don't really know anything—they just throw diagnoses around arbitrarily. It’s all incredibly subjective. Honestly, it’s much easier for them to just label someone as insane. They look down on you, though I suspect they aren't exactly sane themselves. I wonder what would happen if I asked one, "Doctor, are you mentally ill?" If they were actually healthy, I guess they might just be surprised—maybe see it as a mild provocation—but if they are actually unstable, well, I imagine they’d take it as a painful trigger and perhaps react hysterically or aggressively. If there are no biomarkers for mental illness—if a diagnosis can't be made through blood tests or brain scans—then one has to ask whether we're even talking about a real disease, or if the whole thing is just a mystification.

stormywolf5 said:Maybe she was trying to ask if there were any shifts in your thought patterns and figured that was a simpler way to put it? Or maybe she just blurted out whatever popped into her head. At the end of the day, it all depends on how you carry yourself—psychiatrists are inherently subjective creatures, aren't they?..

She even transcribed my current meds but gave me the wrong diagnosis. I spoke with a different psychiatrist who told me straight up that I don't have schizophrenia. He actually asked me rhetorically—do you *think* you have schizo? God... it's terrifying. You wouldn't believe the damage some bad doctors can do to people.

pinalove, pinalove... first off—I have no idea why they banned them. Second—what makes you think my love life is suddenly flourishing because of this? Also—I don't think there’s much of a link here between mental health and dating success. Someone can be struggling mentally and still have a girlfriend, just as someone could be perfectly fine and totally alone. I guess I haven't studied the data—but that's how I see it. It probably doesn't even tie into physical health that much—since people with hereditary issues or genetic conditions still marry and have kids and all that. Sociobiology or evolutionary psychology tries to explain these patterns, but I doubt those theories are the whole truth either. I once saw a guy who was incredibly scrawny—skinny arms and legs—yet he was walking around with a beautiful woman. What does she see in him? These things are complicated. Just accept yourself as a fundamentally valuable human being. And wait—why shouldn't men at the bottom of the social hierarchy have a right to love? If you feel "lesser" or "subservient," that sounds more like your own issue.