Posts by Austin Vaughn3

silentraven6 said:Honestly, I’m worried that would be really hard on him. It's just the two of us, and seeing the way he talks about things right in front of him... I just know it won't work. Besides, it's not even like we're dealing with massive, life-altering issues here.

Personally, I think a joint parent-child workshop would be wonderful. And if we're talking about more serious stuff—like cases involving violence—it seems totally reasonable to have mediation between the aggressor, the victim, the teacher, and the school counselors. But I’ve never actually heard of anyone doing that.

Like I mentioned in that other thread, I believe in people. I believe you can be smart enough to realize people aren't "set in their ways" for the rest of their lives. If I can change and learn, then we can grow together in this relationship, too.

This is a bit off-topic, but I notice you have a pretty bitter way of describing the school system. I don't quite get why you don't view your own profession through the same lens. Surely, one can admit that there are systemic issues in preschools and schools—that the systems need changing and the staffing is generally subpar?

To me, it feels like because of the transition from one institution to another, the different levels don't even recognize each other as participants in the single, shared project of raising a human being. The communication between parent and teacher, or educator and child, carries very similar traits—the same communication breakdowns and the same struggles with shared decision-making.

My profession, thank God, has nothing to do with education. It doesn't matter for this forum, but generally speaking, it’s in healthcare. And the system across the entire country is ripe for change in every field, just like the staffing is poor (not sure what your field is—maybe roses bloom everywhere in your world and everything is fine)

But I am very interested in education. I have plenty of experience through my kids... and I’m in contact with many people who work in education professionally, so I figure I have something worth saying.

Bitter style or not, that's your call. My experience is simply what it is. I share it here so others might navigate this more easily, avoid my mistakes, and help their children faster.
I used to believe that true cooperation between parents and teachers actually existed. In reality, that partnership is strictly formal. Teachers do their jobs as a job; they don't get deeply invested. As parents, we are the ones who want what's best for our kids, and we are the ones who have to help them. A teacher will listen, give a "diagnosis," offer some advice you could find in any textbook, and that's it.

Regarding schools, I was also open to it once. I wanted to change things, improve this or that, but it was useless. Eventually, I learned that you can't argue with a brick wall. I realized I need to help my children come out of this with as little damage as possible. So I do that.
That's why I wrote to you. The school isn't going to solve your problem. You'll solve it (or not) yourself. That's just how it is. Don't expect anything from them and just get to work. Good luck.😁

silentraven6 said:I’m circling back to this thread because I really want to hear how you all handle communicating with teachers. Specifically, how do you balance your own internal anxieties and fears while trying to guide your kid through navigating the school system?

Up until now, I’ve been pretty proactive—showing up to parent-teacher conferences, stepping up to support my child’s teacher whenever it felt right, and speaking up when I felt competent enough to set boundaries regarding where her responsibilities end and mine begin. But lately, a few things have happened that have left me feeling really unsettled, and our communication has become... awkward.

It feels like the dialogue from the teacher is strictly one-way. It’s just a constant stream of reports about my child’s current struggles with socializing, but there’s zero guidance offered on how we can actually work together to improve things.

We’ve had two one-on-one meetings to discuss my child, and I made sure to be incredibly cooperative. However, I also made it very clear that I can’t step in and do her job for her—like disciplining him for fidgeting or forcing him to sit still. I can talk to him about those issues at home, but I can't manage his behavior in her classroom.

Do any of you feel like someone is constantly tossing the ball into your court and then washing their hands of any actual work with your kid? Like, they just stick to "frontline" corrections—verbal warnings and reprimands without any actual conversation—and then leave it at that? Also, how do you deal with that sinking feeling that instead of fostering socialization, the goal is just to force a herd of obedient sheep?

The issues being brought up aren't even that extreme; they don't warrant seeing a psychologist. My child isn't neglected, and we don't have more family drama than any other typical American family dealing with the frantic pace of modern life. We've even owned up to our own mistakes and are working on them—we've been transparent about everything in our talks with the teacher—but I get the sense she isn't even listening to any of it.

I’m just so dissatisfied. The way she communicates feels almost inflammatory, like she’s building a case against my child. I've had this knot in my stomach since I dropped him off at school this morning. I'm wondering: how do you handle situations where you desperately need the teacher to partner with you on your child's social development, but she refuses to engage?

My child doesn't have a relationship with the teacher. There's really nothing else to say about that. It's just the truth.

From what I've seen raising two school-aged kids, you're right. Schools are supposed to be educational and developmental institutions, but in practice, they are strictly academic. Everything is focused on the curriculum, whether the kids are performing well or struggling.
If there are behavioral issues or social hurdles, don't expect help. They'll point out the problem to you, and that's it. Once you realize your child is your responsibility and yours alone, it gets easier. You'll know who to rely on—yourself—and you'll stop looking for solutions from them.
I'm not trying to be optimistic here, but it's the truth. Most schools operate this way. The sooner you accept it, the better you can plan. They aren't going to work on your child's social skills; they're going to focus on 1st period math, 2nd period English, 3rd period PE, and 4th period social studies. Get it? You have to handle the socialization. Read the books, seek advice, practice at home, talk to them, get them involved in extracurriculars, etc.

Also, you've hit on two main points. No one is collaborating with you, and no one is really engaging with the child either. Plus, you and the teacher clearly have different philosophies regarding socialization versus that "herd of obedient sheep" mentality. She hasn't responded to your requests for cooperation yet, which might actually be for the best. If you try to force her to change her methods to match yours, you won't achieve anything.

The priority is protecting your kid. Don't frame school as some terrible place; minimize the negativity and keep offering them ways to navigate it.

Good luck.

Susan James said:The librarian usually puts in about seven hours a day. In terms of student numbers, we typically see around three to four classes per grade level, though some schools tend to run a bit larger with five or six.
If you look at the math, it just doesn't add up. Even if a librarian actually wanted to engage with those kids who believe in all that pseudoscience, they wouldn't have the time. They aren't on the same shift as them every single day, so there's just no way to make it happen.
He’s got quite a bit on his plate beyond that. On top of everything else, he'll need to run workshops, handle book tours, bring kids along to signings, and organize meet-and-greets with authors. It's definitely going to keep him busy!
It’s the exact same story when you look at the rest of the professional consultants and specialists on the team.
It feels like parents today expect school psychologists and counselors to be little miracle workers. They aren't just looking for help with school bullying or social issues; they’re also expecting these professionals to step in and somehow fix kids who don't follow traditional religious or moral teachings. It’s a lot to ask one person to handle.
When is all of that actually happening?

It feels like our professional staff is being asked to step in and babysit kids just because their parents don't want to send them to religious education classes. It’s a bit much, isn't it?

If the administration isn't competent enough to grasp that electives are actually elective—and should be scheduled outside of core hours—then sure, they can go ahead and organize childcare for students who are stuck under their supervision during the school day.

An endless debate.
It’s simple.
No elective subject should be given priority during core school hours. None. Everything else is just blatant privilege—like when a diplomat gets rights regular citizens don't have. That's how religious studies operates here; it holds privileges other electives don't. It’s wrong.
I don't get why people find it so hard to admit.
Anyone defending this status quo should be willing to let every single elective move into the middle of the school day, regardless of who it suits.

Addendum: It’s never been the actual reality that bothered me most. What irritates me is the refusal to call things what they are. People sugarcoat it and make excuses for it... it's pathetic.

If someone could just be honest and say, "Yeah, religion class is an elective, but I prefer it during core hours, and I don't care about the kids who lose out. Sure, it has privileges other electives don't, but I don't care about fairness. I wouldn't want Computer Science—which is also an elective my kid doesn't take—to be in the middle of the day. I just think religion class deserves special treatment because it's religion class." If someone said that, I’d actually respect them. But nobody does. Instead, everyone defending its place in the core schedule drags us into these endless, polished justifications. It’s nauseating.

Isn't that just completely ridiculous?
They actually think terrorists are going to step forward, admit what they are, and confess they're using their funding to build bombs??🤣

I didn't bother showing up at the bank after they called me in to fill out one of those questionnaires. They haven't reached out again. Hopefully, it stays that way.

What kind of "bank client" am I? Someone here previously suggested just cutting ties if you don't like how they operate—but I'm not really a client, nor do I want to be. If I had my way, I'd just pay cash for everything, but that's not an option anymore. So, they can deal with my citizenship and my habits. It's their problem, not mine.

The only way I'd become their slave is if I actually needed a loan. Only then would I have to sit there and listen to their nonsense. And even then, I’d demand to see the specific law that says I have to comply. As it stands right now? No chance.

Let's get down to business.
For those of you who got a call to verify your info and just ignored it—did anything actually happen? Any fallout?

I’ve got a Chase account. Direct deposit hits, I hit the ATM, life goes on. Now they’re calling me to come into a branch to "update my profile" and sign some papers. Honestly, I can't be bothered to sit in a lobby waiting in line just to answer a bunch of questions. What if I just don't show up? Can they actually shut down my account?

Did anyone else get summoned and just ghost them? And what was the aftermath?

Henry Lopez10 said:I wouldn't know, honestly, since I don't touch the stuff.
Alcohol doesn't open up emotions; it just blurs them.

It basically just temporarily drowns out negative feelings... which is why people drink.😉

Do you think suppressing too many emotions leads to excessive depression and a loss of focus?

Suppressed fear eventually turns into rage and depression...
And suppressed injustice manifests as grief and anger.
It doesn't really matter if we hide things from others; what matters is that we don't lie to ourselves—that we don't force ourselves to feel things we aren't feeling, or deny what we actually do feel.
Swallowing your negative emotions whole is a direct path to depression, outbursts, and physical health issues.

The key is expressing those emotions effectively... before they morph into something much uglier and more destructive for everyone involved, including ourselves.
That is, until we learn how to deconstruct and actually handle them.

How do you explain the current era where, let's say, hiding one's emotions is almost encouraged? Do people who are overly emotional and brutally honest inspire you, or do you find those habits problematic?

I am honest with the honest.
I appreciate people who wear their hearts on their sleeves... though personally, due to some past experiences and general vulnerability, I don't show everything to everyone.
It isn't necessarily about a lack of trust, but rather... bad experiences, the fear of being emotionally wounded when showing certain feelings, realizing my own emotional weaknesses, fearing judgment, worrying people will exploit my feelings, or losing illusions that—even if they are just illusions—still mean something to me.
Last birthday, I had to let go of a few illusions, which wasn't exactly a pleasant experience.
You shouldn't offer your emotions to someone who won't respect them.
I don't exactly have blind faith that everyone is going to step up and help me.
More often than not, people will just target my vulnerabilities... or mock me.
So, I block.
It's difficult for me because I am an emotional person by nature, but this is better for my peace of mind.

As for the rest? I'm working on it.😉

Do you discuss these kinds of topics with your friends or acquaintances?

Only with a select few... one of them is a wonderful, brilliant woman from Chicago who understands this perfectly (hi, B.).
Otherwise, I generally don't talk about it... there are certain emotional secrets I haven't told anyone and probably never will.
Only God knows them.
My world.😉

This hits home.

Richard Wells said:Why do you think they're jerks? If you handed your power over to anyone—especially the wrong people—and they didn't respect it, wouldn't they act like jerks?

It’s that whole "I tripped and killed myself" logic. This quote is just an excuse to bottle everything up. Sure, you shouldn't hand over your agency to just anybody... but how are you supposed to spot the wrong ones? In the end, you just end up missing out on both the wrong people and the right ones.

Paul Thompson3 said:We’re basically hardwired to be selective with our feelings—basically just picking the right emotion for the right moment.

Exactly. We follow the script because deviating gets you punished. It’s survival. We suppress how we actually feel just to protect ourselves. Can we really blame anyone for that? I don't think so. Being vulnerable is a liability, and people take advantage of that constantly.

We hold back because we’re terrified of being rejected if we actually show some emotion. There's already this rigid social script everyone follows, and stepping out of line feels too risky. We hesitate to reach out, fearing we won't get a hand to hold, let alone someone's heart.

mistyjackal842 said:Well, it’s because those kids are adults now and they aren't in school anymore, so he doesn't really have to worry about them if he doesn't want to. And honestly, even if he does step up and takes care of them now, who's to say those daughters will be there for him when he gets older? It sounds a bit harsh, I know, but that's just how life works sometimes. Besides, a guy going through a divorce should at least have the right to live his life the way he chooses.

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Reddit, I'm tempted to go off-topic here—though maybe not, since we're still talking about parents forgetting their children—but yeah, "he doesn't have to worry about them if he doesn't want to." However: Did your own parents forget about you the second you turned 18? How would that actually feel? Think about it..

I don't get why people struggle to put themselves in someone else's shoes. If they did, they'd find plenty of answers... and this "dad" would know exactly what to do.

cosmicorca18 said:We've talked about this extensively and decided we need to take action before they lose everything. There's significant wealth involved that was supposed to go to them per a pre-divorce agreement to ensure their security, but apparently, Dad "forgot" about that part of the deal.
The older daughter has graduated and earns money occasionally, while the younger one is still in college with zero income. On top of that, she’s involved in activities that aren't exactly cheap. Since I'm barely scraping by myself, we sometimes fall behind on bills. When that happens, she gets incredibly angry at her father for ignoring them while worrying about someone else's kids. Sometimes, she even turns that frustration on me, acting like it's my fault they're struggling.

That's why, when things like this happen, I feel so much heartache. It's miserable that children have to endure someone else's instability and end up in court just to fight for what belongs to them.

Meanwhile, Dad is out enjoying life with some aunt and her kids, while his own daughter sometimes doesn't even have enough cash for a coffee with her friends. It's just too much trauma for a sensitive girl to go through, and now, for a young woman.

I hear you completely. Legally, it’s straightforward; any lawyer would tell you the same thing. You want to protect your children, to shield them from the emotional fallout. It hurts to see them endure this when they haven't done anything to deserve it.

But...

you can't actually protect them. They aren't blind; they know exactly what's happening. If they're hurt by their father's attitude—which they definitely are—they are ALREADY hurt. They are living with that reality now, and from what I see, they'll be dealing with it in the future too.

If the three of you decided action is necessary, then take it. As for the trauma, it's already present. Doing nothing won't shield them from it. Of course they're bitter and angry at him, but if you ignore the claims, they'll stay angry because he still isn't stepping up for them. Understand?

There is no way for you, as a mother, to fill the void left by his failure as a father. You can't make them stop feeling rejected by him. All you can control is how you act toward them. More talking, more listening, more being open so they feel they can vent their frustration or resentment to you. If they need to cry it out and move on, let them. Good luck.

mistyjackal842 said:I honestly don't get what everyone's upset about here. The guy decided to get a divorce because the marriage just wasn't working for him anymore. His kids are practically adults anyway. For his oldest daughter, he wouldn't even have to worry about child support since she's grown up and finished school. So, what is there to sue him for? Just because he had the nerve to leave you? I mean, I'm sure it would be nice if he stayed in touch with the kids, obviously. And as for splitting the assets, that happens automatically during a divorce anyway, so I really don't see the issue—unless, of course, you're just feeling hurt because he chose to walk away. At the end of the day, he deserves to live his own life too. So many marriages fall apart these days. Of course, it’s not right if some mistress is the reason everything crumbled. That's why, I guess, in this day and age, no woman should ever stay stuck at home and rely entirely on her husband.

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Mistyjackal842, that’s low. Read the original post again. The woman didn't say anything about divorce or splitting up. She's simply unsure how to handle a father who thinks he doesn't need to provide financial support for his adult children anymore. When a man divorces his wife, he doesn't divorce his kids, does he?

There's no single answer. No one is in the shoes of the author or her daughter, so nobody knows for sure. Everyone's situation is different.
My suggestion: sit down with the daughters and have a calm, honest conversation. No pressure, no expectations. Compare two scenarios: the first where the father is sued for support, and the second where everything is just ignored and nothing is asked for. Let each person decide which scenario feels better. Then act accordingly.

Neither option is perfect. You pick the one that brings more peace. Some find peace by letting it go; others find it by fighting for what they are owed.

What kind of father thinks he's done providing once they hit 18? Disgraceful. It reminds me of those stories about kids in the foster care system—once they turn 18, they're considered adults and society just cuts them loose, leaving them to fend for themselves. This father is treating his daughters exactly like the state treats foster kids.😢

Why call them sheep? It’s a flawed premise. If they were actually sheep, they wouldn't be aimless or indecisive. They’d have a clear direction, following whoever they're bleating after. Makes sense, doesn't it?

Carl Rivera43 said:Is the sheer amount of ambiguity we’re dealing with these days actually driving more people to become overly neutral, indecisive, and just... uncommitted?

Is it really such a bad thing that so many folks are adopting this "not my problem" attitude?

Are we looking at pure fear, a way to dodge responsibility, or is it something else entirely?

There’s no such thing as neutral or undecided, trust me... there are just plenty of people who don't open up easily. The people you're talking about aren't indecisive; you just don't know their actual opinions or stances.

Adam Kern2 said:What do you all think—could the mere realization of being unplanned actually impact a child's psychosocial development?

I’m specifically talking about kids where one or both parents didn't really want to accept—or even acknowledge—their existence. It’s that heavy feeling of living with the knowledge that there’s someone out there—a mother or a father—who simply doesn't want them in their family or their life at all.

How can we protect these children from developing low self-esteem, especially when society tends to push those feelings onto them?
By "society," I mean everything from peers in preschool or elementary school—and later on, too—to just anyone else who might judge. Kids will be kids, after all, and they can be pretty relentless with teasing.

Good question. Answer: You can't.

Let me be clear: kids in this situation will react differently, just like in any other scenario (for instance, some children of abusers become abusers themselves, others don't)—there are no rules. Some will fail completely; others will achieve massive success, like Steve Jobs. There's no point debating that much; we could list endless examples of different outcomes.

But!

That ugly feeling stays. Always. There is no way to erase it. That doesn't mean the person will be unhappy or unfulfilled... quite the opposite, they can lead great lives. But that realization remains as a bitter memory—a lingering feeling that sticks forever. I'm speaking from experience. It would be useful if more people here spoke up about this from their own skin—honestly.

How do you ask for forgiveness? Honestly, from the heart, through words...
As for me, I want to know... how do you forgive?

Michael Davis13 said:Honestly, I think money is just a tool used to manipulate people. The whole system we live in basically brainwashes us into believing everything revolves around the dollar—that having cash equals having power. According to that logic, money is power, but since I’ve never really fit in or truly understood how this rat race works, money doesn't mean much to me...

Whether my bank account is full or totally empty, I'm still the exact same person. Sure, maybe I wouldn't be dealing with all this nonsense if I had a guaranteed steady paycheck, but then again, I might never have opened my eyes to the reality of things. Wealthy people don't get how brutal poverty can be, or what it's like to spend every single day just trying to scrape together enough to survive the next one. On the flip side, we don't really know what it's like to be rich or the specific headaches that kind of wealth brings along with it.

I really believe life isn't as simple as it looks on the surface. It's definitely not just a matter of "to have or not to have"...

Look... I never understood the system either. I never fit in. But let's be real: money is power today. Denying that is just stupid.

And that bit about being the "same person" regardless of bank balance? Please, share the secret. Save us materialistic primitives. Enlighten us. Because I am definitely not the same person when I have money versus when I don't. To be clear, I'm not talking about being loaded here; I'm talking about having enough for basic needs.
When I'm broke, I'm worried about survival and my kids. I'm tense, nervous, frustrated. The stress eventually hits me physically. My immune system drops, I get sick easier... and so on.
On the flip side, when I have money, life is easier. I'm calmer, more positive, actually want to see people, help others... I'm healthier and I can afford a decent dentist. 😍

Douglas Gray8 said:The poor might have worries, but they live quietly and stay under the radar. Anyone capable
of working will find enough for bread; unemployment is a personal issue.
You're talking nonsense. He has to trade his time for labor just to get any money at all.
That's the only way to avoid unpaid bills.
And usually, someone who ends up poor put themselves in that position through
laziness, lack of drive, incompetence, or fear.
I know, I know... you'll say not everyone gets the same opportunities. Let me answer that.
I once worked for a guy who arrived in the States with nothing but a single bag—no home, no family,
no money, no job, nothing. Today, he’s the CEO of three major hotel chains.
He did it through sweat and sheer grit. Everyone gets a shot, but we aren't all built the same.
That's the reality.

it is truth

You're contradicting yourself. How does having worries mean "living peacefully"? I don't know about you, but when I have problems, I'm not living peacefully. Those worries eat at you. If someone is unemployed, they don't know where they'll live or what they'll eat—and God forbid they have a kid in that situation—they aren't living peacefully. Look... you're right that people need to work hard, that goes without saying. But it's not true that everyone who is currently unemployed caused their own poverty through laziness or lack of drive. I know plenty of incredibly hardworking, smart people who are out of work, while the ones actually holding down jobs are the lazy ones. Sure, you could say those first people aren't "capable," if by capability you mean having the right connections to get hired.

Moving slightly off-topic before I get back to the point.
That example of the man who started from nothing and built an empire says a lot about his character—his persistence, his diligence, his ability. I agree. But my point stands: a poor person isn't free because they don't control their own time. Even with that guy who started from zero and got rich... a wealthy person can wake up and ask, "What should I do today?" For instance, "I'll go sailing... or hiking... or travel the world... visit the pyramids." A wealthy person can choose an activity like sailing and pursue it with total dedication, hard work, and passion for hours on end, without needing to make a dime from it. You can't call them lazy. They simply have the luxury of choosing how to spend their time, regardless of whether it's profitable.
Your guy didn't have that option. He had to figure out what would bring in cash first, then pick one of those things and be diligent and persistent at it. See the difference? He couldn't just spend his time wandering around Mount Rainier watching birds and studying them, because he wouldn't be able to survive on that. That's the reality.

Money buys freedom. Period.