Posts by Adam Kern2

I’m curious to get your thoughts on this...

-How do you think a child actually feels when they're hit with questions like "Who are your people?"
"Can you tell me your parents' names?"
"What's your father's name?"—and things like that...

I wanted to start this thread because I'm hoping we can find some ways to help these kids navigate this stage a bit more smoothly—ideally helping them grow into healthy, well-adjusted adults without unnecessary heartache. It seems to me that the caregivers tasked with raising them often find themselves struggling with those very same questions—trying to figure out the best way to answer...

What do you all think—could the mere realization of being unplanned actually impact a child's psychosocial development?

I’m specifically talking about kids where one or both parents didn't really want to accept—or even acknowledge—their existence. It’s that heavy feeling of living with the knowledge that there’s someone out there—a mother or a father—who simply doesn't want them in their family or their life at all.

How can we protect these children from developing low self-esteem, especially when society tends to push those feelings onto them?
By "society," I mean everything from peers in preschool or elementary school—and later on, too—to just anyone else who might judge. Kids will be kids, after all, and they can be pretty relentless with teasing.

Maria Hughes25 said:Have you ever experienced that awkward situation where you’re out hanging with a girlfriend and you realize everyone is staring at her instead of actually engaging with you? Looking back to when I was just a teenager, maybe fifteen or sixteen, it felt like the entire world was obsessed with my friend; she had that classic look with blonde hair, green eyes, a great tan, and a more developed figure. Even when we hit the beach, every single head turned toward her, and while I can’t say I’m unattractive—people have definitely told me I’m good-looking—it felt like I was practically invisible whenever she was around. 😁

So, what’s the secret formula here? Is it just that perfectly styled blonde hair?
And do you honestly think being sidelined like that can take a real toll on someone's self-esteem during those formative teenage years?
It was like if we were both walking down the street, guys would constantly try to pull her into their circle and say, "Hey, come hang out with us over here."

I had another friend who figured this out too; she’d just put on some bright red lipstick, let her hair fall naturally, and suddenly she was getting VIP treatment and front-row seats to a Los Angeles Dodgers game.

At the end of the day, it really goes to show that physical beauty carries a massive amount of weight. ☕

You're totally joking😁!
You really threw a lot of stuff at us there...
Personally, I never minded when guys would hit on my "prettier" friends🥳, as long as they weren't hitting on me instead😁!
Luckily, we never had the same taste in men—so we never ran into any actual drama!

Jason Williams40 said:Now you're finally hitting the nail on the head. 🙂 Honestly, I feel like getting into these debates is a total wash—people will go to any lengths just to cling to their own delusions. It reminds me of something some shrink once wrote about how you shouldn't even attempt to shatter someone else's little illusions.

So, what's the move then?

Maybe just backing off and hanging out less with people who clearly aren't ready to level up spiritually? Feels like you have to unhook yourself from that kind of energy if you actually want to grow. Or is that just me?

Personally, I don't think staying totally silent is the answer either—better to just drop a quick fact and walk away before you get sucked into the drama. Just state the reality and leave it at that.

I can't help but feel that being friends with people like that is actually incredibly difficult!

They aren't even honest with themselves first, so how can we expect them to offer any kind of honesty to someone else—let alone to us?

I honestly don't get this constant need to build up and feed this imaginary version of themselves. When I can't wrap my head around that behavior, it's hard to fully lean into the relationship; I always end up keeping some sort of emotional guard up—a barrier I'm not willing to cross—because I can't truly relax, fearing what might happen if I did...

That naturally brings up a question: if they aren't being honest with themselves, then why shouldn't we be honest with them from our own perspective?

Perhaps it's because we're afraid of breaking the connection—it isn't perfect, sure, but it exists. I suspect that if we were truly honest, the relationship would simply vanish, and we'd be afraid of losing it entirely. Meanwhile, they'd just go find someone else to act as a "feeder for their imaginary ego."

"Should we distance ourselves?"
That's a question everyone really needs to answer for themselves!
How much does staying in touch with these people actually matter, and more importantly, what kind of influence are they having on us?

There was a similar discussion recently about negative people—though, just to be clear, I'm not talking about folks who are just naturally pessimistic about life. I mean the ones "whose grass is always greener than the neighbor's" and who view any attempt to show them otherwise as a personal attack!

Jason Williams40 said:I don't think you guys quite caught the drift of this thread 🙂

Basically, people build this specific ego-driven narrative about themselves, and then they just use everyone else as props to keep that fantasy alive. It’s just a defense mechanism—nothing more.

Since we're diving into the psychology side of things here, I was wondering: does it actually make sense to feed into someone else's delusions, or is it better to shut them down?

I feel like I read somewhere once that you're actually NOT supposed to burst those bubbles, because it usually doesn't lead to anything productive anyway...

I honestly can't figure out the smartest move here🤷!
Lately—and I’ve really been trying this—I just stay quiet☕!
Every single time I attempt to bring a logical argument to the table—you know, actually trying to reach some kind of sensible conclusion with the other side—it just doesn't work. Instead, it gets taken as a personal attack, and before I know it, they've completely shut down the conversation.
It seems like they're clinging to this imaginary version of perfection—this ideal self they hold onto—that's just impossible to break through.

Someone actually told me today that they don’t believe in anything anymore—just totally disillusioned with life, people, God, everyone around them... I honestly wasn't sure how to respond at the moment, and to be fair, I still am a little bit stuck on it.

What do you all think—is it actually possible to live without believing in anything at all?

Can someone really function like that? And if not, what’s the way back to finding faith again?

You’re focusing way more on your "image" than on who you actually are.

You’re taking everything far too seriously—you don't give yourself any room to just enjoy life, relax, or even make a few "mistakes" every now and then!
Other people don't truly know you well enough to understand what you really need, so there's really no point in living your life based on everyone else's opinions.
Sure, you might end up being a "perfect actress," but once you step off that stage, real LIFE is waiting for you—the kind of life you actually chose for yourself!
You can have a flawless exterior paired with an "imperfect" soul, or you can choose something else entirely... it's all up to you.

Good luck!

stormystag16 said:I mean, you’ve gotta actually talk to your kid, right? You need to build that trust through real communication
maybe then they'd actually open up to someone about what's going on
but how are you supposed to let them know it's okay to scream if they're being forced into something they hate? just tell them?... and even then, when things get real, they'll probably just end up doing whatever their parents tell them to anyway...

They’ll probably end up following their parents' lead—which makes sense, because that foundation of trust between a kid and their parents is everything. You need that bond to be built on openness rather than fear or hesitation. Honestly, I don't think it's healthy to raise a child with phrases like "Be quiet while your elders are talking" or "Just listen to your older siblings..."—especially when situations like this pop up. And, just to reiterate what I've said before, you really have to let them know ahead of time that they are allowed to SCREAM!!!

I’m curious about the best timing here—specifically, at what age should we start having conversations about sexuality with our kids, and how should we approach it?

When they start asking those really early questions, like "how do babies get made?"—what's the best way to handle that?

It feels like empowering parents with this info is huge, but we also need to give them warnings about certain situations their children might encounter down the road..
They really need guidance on how to react when those moments arise...
Specifically, how to respond to those awkward or uncomfortable situations that clearly happen among kids...
I’ve noticed a lot of you sharing stories about being forced into silence by other children... and I’m firmly in favor of teaching kids from the earliest possible age that if something doesn't feel right—if they ever feel unsafe, pressured, or forced into something they don't want to do—it isn't okay, and they shouldn't feel like they have no choice but to comply..
...we need to make sure they understand that they have every right—and actually the necessity—to scream at the top of their lungs...
...someone will hear them, and who knows, maybe that's exactly what helps them escape those situations. It's much better than having them swallow that fear and scream on the inside later in life!

Olivia Rivera77 said:I had this guy, someone just a few years older than me, lock me in a room and force his hands where they didn't belong. I can still vividly remember screaming my head off and begging him to just let me go. If you’re sitting there thinking that doesn't count as abuse, then you're dead wrong. I’m still dealing with the fallout from that even today. I was just a little kid in preschool when he did this to me... and look, I don't care if he tried to frame it as "just kids playing" or whatever excuse people use—I DID NOT consent to it, and for God's sake, I was just a child. I suppressed the whole thing for years, and it didn't even resurface until I was ten. Maybe to him it felt like some harmless childhood game, but it definitely wasn't for me, because it left scars that haven't healed. Honestly, if someone did that to my own kid now, I wouldn't hesitate to do whatever it takes to protect them.

I couldn't agree more!

There isn't a single human struggle out there that doesn't have a solution!

To get started—and I mean really start—try shifting your mindset by changing how you talk to yourself. Instead of saying, "..but I don't think I can," try repeating, "I've got this!"

It’s pretty much impossible to move forward when you've already convinced yourself that everything is futile and doomed to fail!

Your words essentially shape your life—they become your grief and your pain. It’s incredibly important to pay attention to the phrases we loop in our heads. Some sentences act like anchors—they hold us back, keep us stuck in a funk, and trap us in self-pity. Others provide strength, motivation, and the drive to push through obstacles. Honestly, willpower alone won't help if you're leaving too much room for negative thoughts to take root!
Keep repeating positive affirmations and make intentional space for optimistic thinking—that's how you build a healthy sense of self!
For example:
"It's okay; things will work themselves out eventually. Tomorrow is going to be better. I'll find a way. What happened, happened..." Start doing this today—and if those negative thoughts try to creep in, just brush them aside. You'll see it actually works!
Good luck!