Posts by Linda Bishop4

A few years back, I lent some cash to a guy from my college days—someone I’d grab coffee with between lectures at the student union $267. We weren't exactly close friends, but he was in a bind, so I stepped in. Within a week, he landed a job, and once his first paycheck cleared, he went out and bought a brand new MP3 player for $667 just to show me 🙂 as a gesture. He never breathed a word about the debt he owed me again.
It didn't convince me that people are inherently trustworthy, but now I make it a rule to test people with small amounts first. Most fail the test. A rare few actually follow through.

placidpilot10 said:It has been one month since I arrived here. I have decided to stop fighting this battle and raise my white flag. I am surrendering.
I am packing my bags this week to visit friends in Denmark. I plan to return to the States in mid-January to attempt to reclaim my job.
Looking back at the last 25 days, I have lived through a literal hell. It is devastating to look at a man you know possesses such deep capacity for love and joy—someone who used to swear by you—only to see him reject any possibility of reconciliation. Instead of the man I knew, I see someone without a shred of will, someone who is fundamentally broken. He offers nothing but a vacant stare and hollow answers to every question.
I have stopped spiraling into daily depressions and endless crying. Instead, I spend my days sleeping in the guest room, trying my best not to disturb his peace or interfere with his work routine.
We spoke briefly last night. It is clear he is suffering. He keeps telling me, "I need space. I am unhappy with myself, so I cannot be happy with anyone else. I need to fix my head, and I can only do that alone. In this state, I am useless beyond just performing the job I need to survive." When I remind him that I moved here at his request, leaving my career behind based on his promises, he simply says, "That was then. I miss those times, but now I have to save myself before I can help anyone else."
Being on the receiving end is difficult. I love him just as much as I did before this happened, and I am convinced the man I love is trapped inside this dark vortex he has fallen into.
If there were a logical reason, it would be easier. If I actually knew why, I could handle the loss. We aren't children; neither of us is.
So, I have made my decision. Without telling him or asking for his help, I will pack quietly while he is at work this week and leave. I will grant him the silence he is begging for. For my part, I have remained calm, even when he said things to me a few days ago that were truly shocking. I haven't pushed him, and I haven't disrupted our household. My tolerance limits are high, but they are not infinite.
I feel worthless. Sad. Disgusting. Empty. I have lost my sense of self-worth, both physically and mentally. All I can do now is pray to God that I can stay on my feet and endure this.
I don't have the strength to contemplate what happens next. A part of me still hopes he will wake up and come looking for me, because in all our time together, he has never shown this dark side of himself.

This is not how I envisioned things, but life happens.
I try to believe that "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger," but it is getting harder to believe that every day.

My regards to everyone who has been here for me. I value every comment you have shared; in this state, they mean everything.

Bravo. I cannot imagine a more logical course of action.

placidpilot10 The user states:
I know him. I know his very soul.

Sure, you think you know him. You think you know his soul—the one he carefully curated over phone calls, social media, and that one annual getaway. You’re convinced you know the man he wants you to see. But let's be clear: you don't actually know him in real life.

It isn't aggression. He isn't some macho caricature, nor is he driven by base impulses.

No one is actually claiming that. Fine. If we want to discuss aggression—non-physical aggression, specifically—we could have that conversation here.

So, here I am. Over twenty days now. I have constant access to his phone and his email. He barely touches a computer anymore.

That means absolutely nothing on its own. Good God, even if they are messaging or talking to someone, you can be certain they aren't doing it right in front of you. There is always a way to hide it.
It isn't particularly significant. I was merely stating my conviction that, sooner or later, there will be others.

And I used to be the most loved person on the planet.

Not quite. You have simply found yourself trapped in the same cycle that countless others have endured, are enduring, and will inevitably continue to endure.

And then, just like that... the feeling vanishes. No reason. No warning. Just gone.

What exactly are you doing over there at his place, if that’s how you're looking at it? Waiting for him to start loving you again? 🙂

He refuses to play a part with me. He values my humanity far too much for that. He believes that even if we ended up in bed, it would be nothing more than a hollow release—strictly physical, to put it bluntly. He won't go there because he knows exactly how much I meant to him.

And, naturally, to you, this is all just more evidence of how "extraordinary" your little romance is. You truly believe it’s something transcendent. In your eyes, he isn't just some ordinary guy who actually wants to sleep with the person he loves. 🙏

He knows exactly how powerful he felt back when everything was running smoothly.

Well, this provides some decent material for discussion.

And after all that extra effort... well, let's just say it's none of your business...!!!

It is entirely your responsibility, dear placidpilot10, given the current circumstances. You need to take a stand. Decide exactly what you intend to say and how you will deliver it. It will immediately alleviate that sense of worthlessness and humiliation. You might try something like this: "Listen, damn it, I quit my job and moved across common ground to another part of Europe because of our plans! If those plans still exist, stop acting like an idiot; if you want me to move back home, then say it clearly. And if you're too indecisive to know what you want, fine—I'll make the decision for both of us." (But actually follow through on that.)
You are solely responsible for your own situation if you permit someone to treat you in a way you've already stated is unacceptable.

hollowtrucker77 said:they aren't actually sporadic occurrences, people just keep their mouths shut about them
the ones responsible stay silent because they have zero interest in being held accountable, the aggressors stay quiet because they don't have any valid arguments to make, and the victims stay silent because they don't want to catch even more heat, knowing full well there isn't a single soul coming to protect them
aggression is just baked into the human condition at this point, so we might as well stop dreaming about eradicating it entirely, especially when you consider the sheer mess of side effects trying to wipe it out would cause
the real issue, however, is that aggression needs to be managed, and that’s where we hit the wall: we lack the actual mechanisms for control and we don't have any real tools to channel that energy into something useful
once kids leave the safety of their parents' homes, they're basically left to fend for themselves, and they very quickly realize that nobody is actually going to step in and tell them "no"
after that realization sets in, they learn that someone *can* actually exert influence over them—their more aggressive peers, who also operate under the delusion that they are untouchable
from there, it becomes painfully obvious what kind of behavior is rewarded and which "values" actually carry weight; you don't need to be a Nobel laureate to figure out that it's much better to be the top dog than the underdog
let's be honest here, the school system can't do anything, nor does it particularly want to; everything boils down to these lukewarm conversations and half-hearted threats of detention or suspension, which doesn't mean much when kids are practically begging for an excuse to skip class anyway
we don't have enough police presence, they aren't out there nearly as much as they should be, and even when they are, dealing with children and minors is a total legal nightmare and a constant risk of someone screaming about mistreatment
parents are really the only ones who could take action, but even they are working with one hand tied behind their backs, often having to prioritize basic survival and making ends meet over parenting, all while fighting against a massive machine designed to pull kids out of the house and turn them into nothing more than consumers
in the end, nobody reacts when it's actually time to act; everyone waits until the problems have grown, waiting for that one final blow that changes everything, and only then does the whole machinery of laws, regulations, punishments, and questionable "rehabilitation" programs start grinding. Most of the time, the system just labels the kid a problem and spits them back out, leaving us with nothing but another hardened criminal who's bitter toward themselves and the entire world

Yes, that is an accurate assessment. I know a kid who, at fifteen, spent a night smashing a van with his crew—the same group he usually terrorized the neighborhood with. Neighbors called the police. The cops caught him. He spent the night in juvenile detention. A relative had to pick him up because the grandparents were out of town. Then they went back to the station to talk to a psychologist. The boy was already a troublemaker, failing all his classes, acting out constantly. The psychologist stated the parents would be summoned by a social worker and placed under supervision for a while. Years have passed since then. No social worker ever showed up. Nothing happened. It was all just quiet whispers. The kid has only gotten worse. Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if I saw his name in the headlines of the New York Post tomorrow.

In any case, placidpilot10, I don't believe it's particularly healthy to get engaged based on a relationship that consists solely of internet chats, phone calls, and a single vacation.

I have no information regarding the user "alexandrinha." There is no content provided to rewrite. kaže:
What exactly are you basing your conclusions on?

It comes down to her claims, my own observations, and what I’ve seen from others in similar situations. Honestly, how else is one supposed to evaluate the truth?
Of course, I could be wrong. I am open to anyone who arrives with different experiences, whether they are their own or those they have gathered from others.

It’s only a matter of time before the infidelity begins. He will end up with someone from the city. Someone who, quite surprisingly, will be both accessible to him and actually interesting at the same time....

I never actually said that. On the contrary, I suspect it’s far more likely to be a scam—probably playing out through some online correspondence or similar nonsense.

It isn't about the internet addicts, the delusional fantasizers, the cheapskates, or that adolescent mindset.

I didn't say any of that. I specifically said he’s an addict for "peak sensations." Sex is secondary to him, not that he's actually horny. Looks don't matter here; they could be anything.

I would argue that we are looking at exceptions rather than the rule here. Even those specific instances aren't exactly standard.

I have seen plenty of such "exceptions" firsthand. You can find them in the export industry, and you can find them right here on this forum or over on the Life Together boards.

She wrote that she’s in a bad spot. You, in all caps, claimed things won't get better—that life is just a miserable, broken mess. I am telling you again: things can improve. Life becomes whatever you decide to make of it.
I grew up in pretty significant poverty myself, yet I never bought into the idea that life was some hopeless disaster. I always maintained the belief that things could, and would, get better. That I could build a superior life for myself, both materially and spiritually. And I have succeeded. It is entirely possible.

She isn't helping her family this way. In fact, she is degrading herself, both financially and emotionally.
Naturally, she will care for her own child if she has one, alongside the father. But when it comes to able-bodied parents living on low incomes, an alcoholic father, and a mother who simply stays silent and endures? No. She owes them nothing.

The fact that we all face mortality eventually is no excuse to let people walk all over us or to ruin our own lives. Quite the opposite. It is a tragedy to waste an entire lifetime stuck in a state like this when staying in it is entirely optional. The choice is hers.

Suppose for instance her father knocks on the door and says: "Honey, I am sorry for all the pain my behavior has caused you. I have made a firm decision to go through rehab for my alcoholism. I know I have no right to ask anything of you after everything, but your support would mean a great deal." In that specific scenario, I would encourage her to be there for him.

mistycrane19 said:A lot of interesting takes here.
Here is my perspective.

Regardless of who they are, you earned your college degree. No matter how rough or messy the road was, you made it through.
I barely scraped by in high school. I was living on scraps; I remember having a hole in my sneaker big enough to stick a small glass through. I rarely even went to the restroom because the bullying was constant. I’d just hide my feet under my chair.

My old man was an alcoholic, abusive, blah blah blah—your typical dysfunctional American family. Clearly a PTSD-survivor (lived through war, let's do it again so we can have more idiots like him).
Later, once I grew up, I finally stood up to him physically. A few days after that, he came into my room begging me to take him to rehab.

I have a brother, 32 years old. He hit rock bottom when things were at their worst, yet he pulls in $3000 a decent salary now, which he spends entirely on booze.
Unpaid bills were our daily reality. I started working, things stabilized somewhat, but it wasn't the end of the story.

Then came the layoff, and everything went to hell again.

Honestly, I don't feel like writing much; I'll lose my train of thought and fail to say what I mean.

Personally, I didn't move out. I could have, but I couldn't leave them in the gutter. Damn it. They're my people. If they're trash, I'm trash with them. My brother? Not him.
Given the cost-benefit ratio of my life, I could have been a gentleman if I hadn't possessed such a conscience. Today, I settle for sparkling water and some fuel, since driving is my profession and my passion.

My brother is moving back home. Naturally, his girlfriend dumped him because he's a deadbeat. He used to pay rent for his apartment $1167, but now at home, he doesn't contribute a single cent. He's still eating off my parents' dime. Imagine being 32 and acting like a child.

People making that kind of money usually own a condo and a new car they swap every five years. He owns a bicycle.

The point of this nonsense post is that your writing touched me, especially how you address them.

Did it ever cross your mind to stay put? To swallow the pill, stay with them, fix the mess, clear all those debts, and *then* move out?

Those loans weren't taken out just for drinks and coffee; you benefited from them too.
By the way, my brother took out a $7,500 personal loan and blew it all in a month.

All in all, I know what you're going through. I dare say I've endured even worse.
It's lovely when your father tells you: "I should have left you on the sidewalk rather than raising you."
Truly motivating.

You can pay the bills and fill the fridge. That's what they did to you for the first 25 years of your life. If nothing else, they tried to do it the best they knew how. Look, you're alive 😉 and that counts for something.

One last thing: life is garbage, or whatever you want to call it. Personally, I'm sick of that "it gets better" nonsense.
Well, guess what? IT WON'T!

She doesn't owe them a single cent for bills or groceries just because they provided for her as a child. Her only potential obligation would be caring for them in old age if they become incapacitated.
It’s just two people with paychecks—an old man drinking his wages and an old woman staying silent and enduring. She owes them absolutely nothing. Just like you don't. She can choose to listen to you and continue living in misery. That's her choice. You claim life is a gutter and things won't improve, but she can certainly find a way to make things better if she focuses on her own life. For instance, my life is good right now. I enjoy my current situation, and I have always enjoyed it, starting from childhood. Life is what you make of it, regardless of where you started.

slycobra59 said:What would even be the point of reporting them? For the constant bickering? Or for staying trapped in a marriage like that? Honestly, I can't tell if she still loves him or if we’re looking at a case of Stockholm syndrome. Either way, there isn't much I can do to make her leave him—she just doesn't listen to me.
I realize it might seem like I'm enabling them by providing financial support, but if I didn't give them money, they wouldn't eat. Or worse, they'd go find someone else to borrow from, blow it all on nonsense—you know, things like cigarettes, coffee, or a few rounds of drinks at the local pub—and then they'd end up starving again two days later. I remember being in a similar situation with them when I was younger, and I refuse to let my siblings go through that. Not ever.
If I had the means, I would take them in myself, but I simply can't. I know that in a functional family, this shouldn't fall on my shoulders, but in this situation, there is nobody else to step up if I don't. It’s incredibly frustrating because I just can't wrap my head around my mother's choices. 😢

Report them for neglect, abandonment, or the abuse of any minor siblings. Maybe they'll finally pull themselves together if Child Protective Services starts showing up at their door with threats of taking the kids away. Besides, from what I understand, it isn't just an option; it’s a legal obligation to report these situations.

Regardless, there’s nothing I can do to make her leave him since she won't listen to me.

That is her business and her choice. It isn't my concern. My concern is your siblings, who don't have a choice in being left without food because their parents are blowing everything else.

I know I'm enabling them, but if I don't give them money, they'll go hungry...

The result is they stay well-fed while you end up screwed. The choice is yours.

Jeremy Martinez8 said:So, here’s the short version—a few days ago I just completely hit a wall and decided I needed to go talk to my doctor to figure out what the hell to do
My oldest daughter basically blew up her life—dropped out of school, ended up pregnant, and honestly, things are looking pretty grim right now. It’s just been way too much for me to carry on my own. I actually have an appointment with a psychiatrist tomorrow for an evaluation based on the referral code they gave me: REACTIO PSICHOGENES.
I guess I'm wondering if anyone else has dealt with something similar? And does anyone actually know what that diagnosis even means? It isn't set in stone since I haven't seen the specialist yet, but still...

And how exactly does this relate to the topic at hand?😕

Adam Miller46 said:I have just one question:
Why on earth would someone fly a woman all the way from America to the Netherlands if they genuinely find her attractive but don't actually know her—aside from maybe a single romantic getaway? Why bring her there just to cheat or play games, when he could live his life as a free man in his own city and meet whoever he wants, especially with the world-famous nightlife in Amsterdam right there? Beyond that, what kind of maniac falls in love with someone else in just twenty days? Especially after getting engaged and intentionally bringing a woman from another country to meet his family?
My take is that this guy isn't just a manipulator; he’s completely unhinged. He's truly unstable.
This wasn't some casual fling, like a quick trip from Chicago to New York. You don't fly someone halfway across the world and introduce them to your entire family unless you're planning to use psychological manipulation over the next three weeks just to say goodbye.

That distance—or perhaps just a different form of unavailability—is a critical factor in manufacturing and maintaining those "peak feelings." A person like that wouldn't even bother falling for a girl next door.
Cheating isn't the goal. Sex isn't the point. They don't care about hookups. For people like this, sex is secondary. He is simply addicted to the "high" of intense emotions. Cheating becomes inevitable as his current partner becomes more familiar and ordinary. Of course, it serves him well that she clings to him; he needs that "peak feeling" to survive.

Their "relationship" has lasted eight months. My estimate is that he probably doesn't have another full-blown partner right now—maybe some online flirting—but he will soon. Now that she is there, the "peak feelings" are gone. These types of relationships can last years, but only if they never actually attempt life together.

People get engaged and then fall for someone else, or they get engaged while already being in love with someone else. It happens quite frequently.

The guy is definitely mentally unstable. But her problem is staying in a relationship like this instead of setting boundaries and packing her bags. If she doesn't, he'll just come back with more sweet talk and empty promises, and she'll go right back to the same cycle.

He doesn't want to say goodbye to her. That is exactly what I fear.

I wouldn't give them a single cent anymore. I mean that most seriously. If I could take money from my brothers, I would; if not, I’d report them to the authorities.
Your fear is entirely justified: this will never end, not unless you decide that enough is enough.

Bradley Wood3 said:Personally, I'm more inclined to believe he's just terrified of facing certain truths. 🤷
I mean, who would stay in a relationship like that intentionally and maliciously, when it's obvious he isn't happy either?
If this were actual manipulation, he wouldn't have told her everything he did.
To me, this looks like a guy who's too scared to look reality in the eye.
Not exactly a rare phenomenon, either.
A ton of people just don't have the guts to say "goodbye" when the time actually comes.
They'd rather lie to themselves...

Happiness is subjective. For some, it requires drama, sentimentality, and manipulation—what placidpilot10 calls those "peak emotions" found in long-distance affairs. Some people simply cannot function without that fix.

If this were actual manipulation, he wouldn't have been so honest with her.

Oh, he would!

To me, this looks like a man who is afraid to face the truth.
It’s a common enough phenomenon.

Exactly. The truth in his case is simple: if she hadn't actually arrived, he would still be chasing those "peak emotions." He is addicted to the illusion of intensity. He lacks the capacity to love a woman in a real, lived-in reality. Or at least, as previously noted, he cannot do it with her. And for her, that is the bottom line.

A vast number of people lack the strength to say "Goodbye" when the time comes.
They prefer to lie to themselves...

God, I hope you're right and that's all there is to it. Personally, it feels like he might actually enjoy seeing her in this state, and he has no intention of letting go of that power.

Fine. We can debate the motivations and the "why" indefinitely based on our own individual experiences. But from what I can see, we all seem to agree on one point: it is undeniably clear that she is miserable with him.

Nicholas King said:Not quite.

He’s a jerk, sure, but he’s also a total manipulator because he leans on that whole tired trope about being a "lost soul" who just needs to find himself—or maybe he won't, or maybe he'll stay lost forever, blah, blah, blah...

She, on the other hand, is terrifyingly submissive in these desperate attempts—these pathetic hopes—that she can somehow be the one to "awaken" the man who loves her. And let me tell you, I’d bet anything that this version of him only pops up briefly whenever she gets a sudden, irrational urge to humiliate herself, or when she actually starts seriously considering walking away. I’d wager he knows full well that coming back to her isn't easy or simple, for purely existential reasons—it's got all the hallmarks of a situation where she'll struggle to find a decent job or build a stable life back home—which, frankly, is just a godsend for him to keep manipulating her for a little longer.

It’s such a textbook manipulative setup; honestly, it's almost predictable.

Nicholas King, you hit the nail on the head. Unfortunately, or fortunately, I speak from experience.
placidpilot10, even when he moves on to the next woman (if he hasn't already), he will still insist that everything he told you remains true, but right now, he simply 🙂
placidpilot10, wake up!!

placidpilot10 said:Dear Linda Bishop4, thank you for your patience and for taking the time to read through my dilemma...
Returning to work isn't an option; everything was settled months before I even arrived.
I was granted a three-month visa, expiring February 2nd, which we intended to extend for another three months. During that window, I was supposed to learn enough language to pass the exam at the Dutch Consulate so we could submit our application for permanent residency...
I feel hopeless. It's as if my true self is asleep, and I can't figure out how to wake her up. Deep down, I feel his love, and I can tell he’s struggling through this too. I have no idea how to act or what to think. All I know right now is that the ground is slipping away from beneath me.😢(

You will find another job sooner or later; that is truly inconsequential right now. Your real life—that is what matters. Return to it. Abandon the illusions and fantasies that have taken hold of you.
That feeling deep inside you regarding his intentions speaks only to your own desires and longings, and tells you little to nothing about reality.

Dear placidpilot10, he is simply an incompetent man incapable of sustaining a healthy relationship. He is addicted to intense, infantile emotions. He functions perfectly in "relationships" that aren't even real; you essentially see him just enough to maintain a certain "high." Of course, it’s all just a series of "highs" delivered via phone or the internet.
The issue here is that you, too, are currently playing that part when you are with him. I know exactly what I am talking about. I once had a long-term "relationship" filled with those same "highs" with someone just like him. I truly hope it takes you less time than it took me to detach yourself and finally see clearly. To start calling things by their real names.
Do not comfort yourself by blaming his depression. While he likely deals with a certain amount of depression, it is probably just enough to serve as a tool for manipulation.
As for the other woman, if she isn't there right now, you can be 100% certain she will be eventually. (After all, he cannot survive without those "highs.")
Your priority should be fixing yourself so that, as soon as possible, this stops affecting you.
It would be ideal if you could return to your actual life, to your unstable job and such, but unfortunately, I doubt you will.
There is another option: if you intended to stay there and live, then again: call things by their real names and exploit that pathetic fool. 👍(I am being serious.)