I suppose there exists this specific subset of people whose conduct I have always found myself observing, mostly because their behavior strikes me as rather peculiar since it deviates so consistently from the norm. It’s quite an interesting thing to contemplate, really. Some of these individuals possess a behavioral pattern that remains remarkably static, which I find fascinating in its own way, while others seem to be constantly shifting their personas or altering how they carry themselves from one moment to the next. I guess it just makes them worth watching.
I suppose I have always been acutely aware of people like that—I find myself subconsciously absorbing their mannerisms, their specific way of speaking, and all those little nuances—yet, strangely enough, I often felt quite comfortable in their presence at the same time. That said, I wouldn’t trust them as far as I could throw them; I certainly wouldn't take so much as an aspirin from their hands. There were moments when I felt I might just tell them straight to their faces that we would never cross paths again, and that I would never share anything of substance with them ever again. I actually managed to avoid that happening with one particular individual, mostly because he happened to be quite decent to one of my closest confidants, which probably kept me from cutting him off entirely.
I suppose people were likely under the impression that they could just spin me around by my finger, though, in truth, I was merely living under the delusion that they actually intended to do so. It is also quite possible, I guess, that they directed those same sentiments toward my ex-girlfriend.
Now, if someone were actually out to kill me, that would be an entirely different matter altogether... but what I am dealing with here is a genuine sense of paranoia that has taken hold of me, I suppose, stemming from a series of associations that have surfaced amidst this whole ordeal. Given the sheer scale of everything involved, I don't think it would even be prudent for me to discuss the full extent of it, as the experience was truly harrowing. Though, I should probably mention that she did play a role in the situation, even if she wasn't the primary focus of the events themselves.
I suppose one might wonder if there is ever a possibility where you choose to be entirely transparent with certain people—to the point of absolute vulnerability, I guess—only to have them take that information and circulate it among their own circle of acquaintances. It could happen without any actual malice intended, perhaps just through mindless gossip, and then you find yourself suddenly confronted by the unsettling realization that others are now aware of your weaknesses. It’s a rather unsettling thought, isn't it?
No. I suppose I already felt like I had lost my entire footing the moment I allowed myself to be vulnerable... and that was exactly when I chose to be. I truly believed I had one or two rock-solid pillars of support specifically for moments like this, but they both failed me right at the critical juncture. It isn't even that I had many things weighing on me before this; I didn't really feel like there was much out there that could actually threaten me if I decided to speak my mind to others.
I suppose I felt a certain sense of security when I was around those two, though I suspect that feeling was really just the byproduct of years of knowing them personally. It’s hard to put into words, but I didn't quite find that same level of stability or comfort with anyone else, I guess.
I suppose there is one more thing worth noting. My parents would never dream of drugging me, mostly because they have absolutely zero faith in pharmaceutical interventions. They actually know a psychiatrist, so they understand how this all works. In my estimation, these medications are at least fifty percent—if not entirely—placebo. It feels like the whole system is just designed to give me the illusion that I am actually undergoing treatment, making me believe the pills are doing something when they really aren't. To be honest, I find myself placing much more trust in the placebo effect than in any actual medical therapy. I am currently taking five tablets a day across three different types, but I suspect that perhaps only one or two are even active; the rest are almost certainly just placebos, if they aren't all just sugar pills to begin with.
I suppose I find that whole argument somewhat lacking in logic, if I'm being perfectly honest. Most people—I am referring to actual living, breathing human beings that we encounter in our daily lives, rather than some theoretical concept—tend to harbor this deep-seated belief that they are the smartest individuals in any given room, or at least that their grasp on reality is superior to everyone else's. It isn't just a baseless assumption, I guess; there is a reason why people say:
Opinions are a lot like an ass, I suppose; everyone seems to have one, and they aren't always particularly pleasant to deal with.
I suppose it would be more logical, if one were being truly pragmatic, to operate under the assumption that you possess the most comprehensive understanding of a subject, yet—and I say this with all due respect to the complexities of human ego—never actually concede that advantage when you happen to encounter someone who might be slightly more intelligent or perhaps just more deeply informed than yourself. Instead, it seems much more efficient, I guess, to simply absorb the knowledge or the specific data points from that individual—provided you have judged them to be more advanced than your own current standing—and then merely integrate those new insights into the existing framework of what you already know.
I suppose one could argue that information or knowledge acquired from others only truly gains any sort of inherent value in direct proportion to how useful it proves to be to you personally, though I guess that’s a somewhat cynical way of looking at it. It seems to me that unless there is some practical application for what someone else knows, it remains rather inert, which might be a bit blunt, but perhaps it's just the reality of things.
There is one side of me that struggles with this, yet on the other hand, I find that I often hold a deep respect for people who simply excel at things that matter to me. Being better than me at a particular skill doesn't necessarily mean they possess some innate, superior knowledge—though they probably do—but rather, it might just be that they were willing to put in a greater amount of effort than I was.
I suppose if I find myself going out of my way to praise someone else, it might mean that I actually hold them in some level of regard, perhaps because of certain specific traits they possess or maybe just because of things they’ve managed to accomplish.
I suppose there are certain individuals out there who might be significantly more accomplished than I am, though, if I’m being honest, I suspect they don't actually possess as much depth of knowledge regarding this specific field as I do. Nevertheless, I find that I hold a profound sense of respect for them, and I guess their acknowledgement carries far more weight with me than any kind of recognition from anyone else.
I suppose I am often accused of viewing people through a purely utilitarian lens, though I find that assessment somewhat imprecise. In my own estimation, I have simply developed a personal framework for navigating social interactions—categorizing individuals into those I might subtly leverage, those who remain entirely neutral, and those whom I fear might exploit me, or perhaps those where I might permit a certain degree of exploitation myself, provided it stays within reasonable bounds. It is just the way I have always been, I guess; this is the manner in which I have existed throughout my life.
But I suppose all of this coincided with a phase where I was essentially experimenting with the dynamics of interpersonal relationships. You know, navigating whether to use people or be used, trying to maintain a sense of superiority versus being inferior, deciding when to let people walk all over you or how to convince someone that things are a certain way... I had been deep in that kind of psychological experimentation for about two months already. Then, out of nowhere, this whole situation blew up, and it just so happened that this girl seemed to possess an uncanny amount of knowledge regarding the exact topics I had been obsessing over during that window. In fact, she started pitching these concepts to me that I had actually intended to pitch to her. On top of that, during that specific timeframe, I was also caught up in this somewhat misguided attempt to be as objective and honest as possible—which, if I’m being honest, is probably quite foolish and entirely impossible.
Socially speaking, I think I was a complete disaster before this period, though I suspect the primary culprit was that I had become far too preoccupied with athletics and my illustration work. I poured everything I had into sports, placing it at the very forefront of my life because it made me feel genuinely good and content. And I think that was largely because I was doing it out of pure passion rather than some sort of calculated self-interest.