Aha, okay, I get it now. You’ve got this "tail" following you around, and it all stems from that nagging guilt you feel after trying to fix things. Honestly, it’s a pretty standard reaction. Most people, once they deal with a mess, start asking themselves, "Why did I even let this happen in the first place?" Then the guilt kicks in, mixed with a healthy dose of self-loathing because you felt weak in the face of the problem. Usually, that phase passes quickly once you move on, but you're stuck in it. You're overthinking something that ultimately doesn't matter. Look, depression is basically just a loop playing in your head: there's the problem, the obsessive thinking about it, the attempt to fix it (which is usually half-baked or incomplete; we lose the will to change things as time goes on, which is exactly when we should stop), the realization that you can't fix it, and then—boom—back to the problem. The circle closes and spins forever. To break the cycle, you have to pick one specific link in that chain—the weakest one—and attack it. That’s how you shatter the loop. In your case, you need to get it through your head and accept it deep down: you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of and nothing to regret. It’s fine that you wanted to clean up your life, but don't let fixing one thing wreck everything else. Doubting yourself is part of being human. Being ashamed of being human is just ridiculous. So, you weren't sure if he was your first? Fine. You got your answer. Now shut up and move on. That little insecurity is resolved. Just walk away, take the lesson, and focus on your future, your partner, and yourself. And try not to let the same pattern repeat. Everything else is in the rearview mirror for a reason.
You’ve got a mild case of depression there, and honestly, it could spiral if you aren't careful. I don't quite get the first part of your story—not that I really want to dig into it—but I definitely don't see the point of your question. Why does it matter who came first, second, or third if you actually love your current boyfriend and you're happy with him? What happened is over. It's behind you. Every new relationship should be a clean slate, starting from zero.
But look, if you’re still dragging all that baggage around, go talk to a professional. See a therapist or a psychiatrist. A problem might look small at the start, but if you don't deal with it, you'll end up making it your whole world before you know it.
So, I saw a private therapist back in the day. She hadn't even finished her degree yet—I think she was still working on her thesis or something—so... I paid my way. That was the deal we made (I insisted on it, and she had some student loans to cover, so there you go). The whole thing lasted about six months, give or take. I can't tell you exactly how many sessions we had, but it didn't really matter. We shook out all the issues. What mattered was that she actually listened and guided me toward finding my own solutions. That’s the key. If they just fix your problems for you, you end up dependent on them every time something goes wrong. You have to learn to handle your own life.
Look, help is help. The most important part is having the actual desire to get better. Without that, psychoanalysis is just a waste of time; you need that drive to make it work.
Personally, I never felt the need to hide the fact that I saw a psychiatrist. I didn't go out and tattoo it on my forehead, obviously, but if someone asked, I told the truth. Different circles require different levels of discretion, so judge for yourself what to share. But once you start feeling the positive changes, you'll realize that going was worth every penny.
Look, you have to become your own ultimate power source. People drift in and out of your life constantly, but you’re the only constant you’ve got. That’s the bedrock of independence and real character—it's what lets you tune out the toxic noise from everyone else. How do you actually build that? You can work with a therapist. Honestly, that should be one of the main goals of therapy: learning that you have the tools to solve your own problems.
Trust me, I went through psychotherapy myself, and it didn't take long before things started clicking. It gave me the confidence to actually get my life together. The only rule is you have to be completely transparent. Don't hold anything back. These professionals are legally bound by confidentiality, so just lay it all out there and be as detailed as possible about what's going on.
Look, you basically answered your own question. Your problem is that one specific thing from your past that left a massive scar you can't just scrub away. Everything you're doing to yourself right now is just a fallout from that moment. Until you deal with that head-on, you aren't moving forward—your endless cycle of failed attempts proves it. You know this deep down. You need to pin down exactly what happened, how it messed you up, and how to fix it. Also, since you brought up suicidal thoughts, I have to suggest getting professional help. Even if you backed away from the edge in time, it shows you're drowning in the aftermath of whatever happened. Your eating habits—the starving followed by the bingeing—are red flags too. Those might be issues on their own, but they all stem from the same dark root.
As for fixing this, you really need to see someone. You have to realize that nobody else in this world matters as much as you do. Who cares what people think if doing this actually fixes your life, brings back your happiness, and gets you back on track? Honestly, you should be proud of wanting to change; it shows you actually give a damn about yourself. Think about how much better things will be on the flip side. Imagine a future where you're actually happy. You're clearly a social person, and I truly believe you'll find a solid circle of friends—maybe even a good guy—one day, so don't lose hope. And if people in your town won't stop talking? You're young. Once you finish college, you can just grab a job and start a whole new life far away from all of them.
Should you tell your parents? From what I gather, you didn't explain why you dropped out of college well enough, so their reaction ended up being pretty ridiculous. And regarding those "expectations" you mentioned—every decent set of parents has expectations. The question is whether they're overdoing it. But since you didn't give them the full story, I can't tell you exactly how they'll react, but here are two ways to look at it: Don't say anything if you're certain they'll just judge you or try to ban you from seeing a therapist. Do tell them if you think they'll actually listen and support you. The bottom line is you're doing this for you and your health—both mental and physical, because your body eventually keeps score of all that weight fluctuation. Your parents and your hometown shouldn't have any say in this decision. They're just background noise.
Sure, the brain stores everything, but living actually requires the skill of sorting through it all—filing away what matters, deleting the garbage, and making room for new stuff. Here’s the kicker: the brain is the command center for your entire nervous system. It regulates everything, from your heartbeat to those stomach cramps or esophageal spasms. Those physical aches? They're just proof that your mind is tightening up. I think the fix is creating some mental order. You need to start digging up the things you've buried deep inside and actually deal with them so you can move on. I remember my own sessions with therapists back in the day; I was carrying around this massive, tangled knot of weird thoughts and memories. I couldn't find the end of the string, let alone figure out how to unwind it. With professional help, I finally started pulling at the threads. Within a month, the results were obvious. I started seeing the world differently. Things actually began to make sense, whereas before, I had just bottled everything up, letting the pressure build until that mess in my head became an absolute disaster.
I didn't deal with the same exact issue you did. Mine was more of a "side effect" that absolutely wrecked me emotionally. While I was stuck in it, I gave the whole thing way too much headspace. I spent my days beating myself up over it constantly. But now that I’ve finally cut it loose? I feel like I'm flying. Why? Because I can actually feel my life coming back to me. Happiness, joy, a sense of humor—it's all returning, slowly but surely. Is it worth letting go of the baggage we carry? Absolutely. Every single time you get the chance, take it. All that weight we pile up just poisons our minds, and eventually, it destroys our bodies too. From what I've learned in this life, there isn't a single problem out there more important than your own life. Sure, there can be negative fallout, but that only happens if you leave things messy or unresolved. If you've piled up a massive mountain of stress, it’s better to dump it bit by bit with some professional help.
Any positive shift in life is a win. Life doesn't have one single "correct" way to exist; it’s just a constant stream of different solutions that evolve as time passes. Sometimes, the very things that worked yesterday become the exact problems you're facing today. Most people are too lazy or stuck in their ways to actually fix things, so they just settle for mediocre compromises instead of solving the issue. That’s why any change—any move toward something better—is always a good thing.
Congrats on the changes. I honestly think you'll stick with them, too (it’s pretty obvious how proud you are of them, and frankly, you have every right to be)!
There’s no such thing as an "oh well" moment, because this is just life. Besides, things would be incredibly boring if everything actually went according to plan, wouldn't they?
And sure, to move forward, you have to look back for a second. But only to pinpoint where things went sideways, fix them, and finally turn a new leaf. Keep a positive mindset and good things will start happening on their own—or rather, you'll stop obsessing over every single negative thing that crosses your path.
Look, he’s the type who can't handle even the slightest bit of feedback. He’ll take a simple critique and spin it into a personal attack every single time. Honestly, the important thing is that you saw the issue for what it really is. Now that you recognize it, you can actually deal with it. Time eventually sorts everything out. Just don't throw in the towel. Remember that you're doing this work for yourself—for your partner, your future kids, and everyone else in your life. Let that be your fuel and just keep moving forward.
The psychiatrist nailed the root cause (which is exactly what I suspected when I read your post). A thyroid issue can trigger those sudden mood swings you described. We’re talking about a hormonal imbalance here, which isn't something you fix with talk therapy—you use medication to manage the fallout. If you stick to the prescription, those shifts will start to fade. Staying on top of your appointments with the doctor will also help clear up that paranoia you've been feeling about everyone else.
There was honestly no reason to start this thread on such a dark note. The solution is straightforward, and you can get back to being your old self before you know it. It’s also a win that you didn't blow up at your friends. Since they haven't bailed on you, just reach out once you've regained some confidence and trust in people again.