Posts by Jessica Fowler4

I’m still on memantine, and I occasionally mix in some amphetamines. The effects... they're definitely still there. Right now, I'm just waiting for my modafinil to show up in the mail. I mean, I’m not expecting any miracles or anything, but I'm curious, I guess. Once that's sorted, I might eventually try an opioid just to see what the deal is, but honestly, my real goal is to track down some JDTic or Zyklophin. Sadly, those are still just experimental, you know? I haven't seen any actual evidence of Zyklophin being tested on humans at all, and JDTic was only tried once before they shut the whole study down. Still, from what I can gather, JDTic might be obtainable... I'm trying to get in touch with people who have actually used it.

I mean, kappa opioid antagonists like JDTic sound like a total revolution in all these clinical trials... but maybe—just maybe—it’s all just massive hype because the results looked good in animal testing. It happens, right?

The alternative, I suppose, would be trying to get that same effect by using low doses to periodically agonize the kappa opioid receptors, which should cause desensitization... which I think would be similar to antagonism. For that kind of thing, Salvia divinorum seems like the perfect candidate... I could probably order some...

I guess I've really fallen down the psychonautics rabbit hole lately. :/

Kenneth Scott41 said:Does anyone else actually lose sleep over the idea of being on AD for the rest of their life?
Personally, I don't give it a second thought, because if it weren't for the AD, I might have been six feet under by now.
It helps me feel human again, so I really don't see the point in worrying about it.

Some people who know me a bit better—a few friends here and some folks I've connected with online—are aware that my daily routine involves more than just AD just to stay afloat... but even I have had to face the reality that this is likely a lifelong commitment.

But I'm not letting it get the best of me! 🙂

It doesn't bother me. I'm pretty sure I was just born with this disorder, so taking lifelong medication seems like the only logical path forward. That's actually what I'm aiming for and what I want. I just need to find the right chemical balance.

So, right now I’m taking Memantine plus some amphetamine (which, unfortunately, is illegal here). The effect is actually pretty interesting... this is my third day on it now.
For some reason, I’m barely feeling any side effects from the amphetamines at all. Like, my mouth isn't dry at all—actually, it's kind of the opposite, lots of saliva—and I actually have an appetite (usually, amphetamines kill my appetite, but I don't really eat much anyway and I've lost a lot of weight, so this is weird)... I don't have any jaw tension or anxiety issues either... honestly, it seems to have just wiped out my anxiety... my blood pressure is fine too, and I don't feel hyper or anything; I actually feel sleepy sometimes and find myself yawning...

The only side effect I've run into is insomnia, but I guess that's my own fault since I was taking it pretty late in the day... I think I felt safe enough to try because I wasn't feeling any of the other usual stuff...

So... what should I do? I used to use Concerta for my ADHD symptoms, but that only works okay once every few days... and that crash is such a nasty feeling (I mean, I can handle it, it's not the end of the world, but that constant up-and-down throughout the day is just no fun) and it spikes my anxiety, which is the complete opposite of how this stuff makes me feel... street amphetamines are illegal in America... I wonder if once we're fully integrated into the European Union, I'll be able to go abroad to get Adderall? It's just so hard to dose street drugs correctly...

This whole situation is just kind of sad...

Double trouble. I guess you could call it that... maybe? It’s just one of those things that stays on your mind, you know? Like, it hits you all at once and then you're just sitting there trying to make sense of it. It's heavy. Really heavy. kaže:
So, cortisol kicks in when you're stressed out, right? Well, I’m not even feeling particularly stressed at the moment, but my cortisol levels are still through the roof. It’s like... I feel like I'm in constant fight-or-flight mode, and the physical stuff is just wonderful. Truly lovely. My back is aching, my breathing is all shallow and fast, my hands are tingling and shaking... and there's this intense, restless feeling I just can't shake. I'm heading to see my doctor soon, so hopefully we can figure out what to do about all this crap.

Honestly, this is one of those super common misconceptions that I think has led so many people down the wrong path. It’s everywhere. You see these endless articles all over the internet—like on Buzzfeed or some health blog—all making the exact same claims about stress and cortisol levels. And it feels like people just blindly swallow whatever they read there without questioning it. I mean, it's tough, because it's just so widespread.

So, I was reading up on this, and apparently cortisol is that anti-stress hormone... or, well, it’s supposed to help manage stress, I guess? It's kind of wild how much it affects everything, right? Like, it's meant to keep things steady, but sometimes I feel like my body just goes overboard with it. Anyway, just some random thought I had while looking stuff up today.

So, I was reading this thing earlier—I think I copied it from somewhere online—about how cortisol actually works when it hits your system suddenly. It's like... okay, here's what it does:

Just a little hit of adrenaline... you know, like a quick burst of energy just to make it through the day? I guess it's purely for survival at this point. Maybe? It’s just... yeah. Survival.
I guess... I don't know how to describe it properly, but lately, my memory feels like it’s been dialed up to eleven? It’s almost strange. Everything is just so much sharper. Like, I can remember tiny, random details from weeks ago that I usually would've completely blanked on. It’s weirdly intense. Maybe it’s just one of those things where my brain finally decided to cooperate, or maybe there's something else going on... I’m honestly not sure. It's just this sudden, heightened sense of recall. It’s kind of overwhelming, actually. Just really vivid.
I guess... maybe it’s just me, but I feel like there was this sudden, massive surge in my immune system lately? Like, out of nowhere. It’s almost weird how it happened. One minute everything feels sluggish, and then—bam—it's like my body just decided to gear up and fight. I don't know if it was something I ate or just some random shift in my biology, but man, it really felt like a total boost. Just a sudden burst of strength, I suppose. Anyway, I'm just noticing it. It's strange.
I guess I’ve been noticing that my pain threshold feels... different lately? Like, maybe it's just me, but it feels like there's this lower sensitivity to pain happening. It’s hard to explain, really. I don't know if it's the meds or just how my body is acting up, but everything just feels sort of muted? Maybe that's a good thing for some people, I suppose, but it's a little weird for me. Just kind of strange.

So, you can actually take cortisol in pill form... like, the most well-known one is Cortef, I think? And if you look at the effects of taking a cortisol tablet, they’re basically all the ones listed above—they seem to be positive, one after another, and they really help with managing stress. I guess that makes sense, maybe.

Cortisol is... well, if you go back and look at that other thread I started about Ketamine, you'll see what I mean. It’s honestly one of those rare substances out there right now that actually seems to touch the heavy stuff—you know, those really deep, crushing bouts of depression where nothing else works? Like, when people have tried everything from standard meds to ECT and just feel stuck... maybe this is one of the few things that actually makes a dent.

I guess the most realistic way to look at depression right now—and this is just my take, but it feels right—is seeing it as actual brain inflammation that's tied directly to the immune system. It’s all connected, you know? If you follow that logic, it makes total sense why cortisol plays such a huge role in managing it, which has pretty much been backed up for a long time now. And, uh, it’s also worth noting that cortisol can actually trigger a switch into mania for people dealing with bipolar disorder. It's all part of the same complicated picture, I suppose.

So, I was thinking about this thing people deal with when they’re totally stressed out... and honestly, it might be that they don't actually have enough cortisol. Like, that whole awful feeling—you know, when the anxiety just washes over you, or that intense pressure, or when your brain just stops working right and your hands start shaking? I guess maybe all of that is just a result of an acute lack of cortisol. And, well, it seems like you can actually address that and confirm it by taking exogenous cortisol, like hydrocortisone. Or at least, that's how I see it.

So, how does this whole misunderstanding even start? I mean, it’s kind of wild when you think about it. Basically, constant stress keeps your cortisol levels spiked. At first, everything works exactly how it’s supposed to—it does its job, right? But then, over time, the body just... adapts. It gets used to those high levels, and suddenly, those elevated numbers become the new "normal" for you. So, your adrenal glands have to work at absolute maximum capacity just to make you feel baseline steady. Then, because of all that ongoing stress, they just can't keep up anymore. That’s when you hit this weird, relative acute deficiency. It's a long-term thing, really... just the body trying to adjust itself, which ends up requiring way more cortisol than the adrenals can actually pump out. I guess it's just a cycle.

Taking cortisol supplements is, like, incredibly dangerous. I mean, really, really risky. Because of how the body’s feedback loops work, if you start pumping that stuff in, your system just... shuts down its own natural production. And once that happens, your adrenal glands can atrophy super easily. That kind of adrenal insufficiency is seriously scary—it's a life-threatening situation, plain and simple. It's hard to explain, but trying to replace the hormones your adrenals normally make is such a nightmare because the dosage is so tricky. Your adrenals aren't just constant; they react to stress, so the difference between your levels when you're chill versus when you're under massive pressure can be up to a hundred times higher. So, yeah, I guess trying to self-medicate that is just almost impossible to get right.

Also, I was thinking... cortisol plays such a huge role in how our bodies manage sugar. And when you deal with those chronically high levels—you know, that constant state of being stressed out—your body starts building up this kind of "resistance" to the cortisol. It’s wild, really. I guess that resistance ends up messing with the whole system that regulates your blood sugar. It's all connected, I think. Maybe.

So, one of the biggest jobs cortisol actually has—I think it's pretty huge—is basically just putting out fires, you know? Like, shutting down inflammation. A lot of you probably have run into different kinds of corticosteroids before... mostly the stuff you just rub on your skin for rashes or whatever. But that’s essentially what cortisol does. It just tells the immune system to chill out and stops the inflammation. And I guess, if you look at it that way, it can also help shut down the inflammation happening inside the brain... which is what we call depression. So, in a sense, it’s treating the depression by calming that internal fire. Maybe that's how it works? I don't know, but it makes sense to me.

So, I guess the thing about having chronically high cortisol levels is that your receptors eventually just... get used to it? Like, they start to "adapt" or whatever. They actually decrease in number just to try and find some kind of balance in how the signaling works—basically, the body tries to make those sky-high levels the new "normal." So, yeah, your system basically becomes less sensitive to the cortisol itself. It’s kind of wild how the body tries to compensate like that, I guess.
Different systems in our bodies reach different levels of adaptation, I guess. From what I’ve seen, things like peripheral vasoconstriction just don't really adapt, and it feels like one of those lingering effects of cortisol after the good stuff starts to fade away. The positive effects—you know, like better focus, feeling calm, and working memory (that thing you need to react to stress)—those are usually the first things to go. And those high blood sugar levels caused by cortisol? They probably just get countered by rising insulin levels and stuff like that, which eventually leads to hyperinsulinemia, insulin resistance, and then finally insulin deficiency (I'm not making this up). So, that's basically how it works...

So, the answer isn't about trying to lower cortisol production. If you can't produce what you actually need—like to counter inflammation, which is part of the nervous system that's pro-inflammatory—you're just going to feel even worse.
And it's not about taking supplements either, because even if you feel better right now, you'll probably just make the whole situation worse in the long run.

The real solution is to reduce the triggers that spike cortisol unnecessarily and keep it chronically high. Basically, we need to lower pro-inflammatory activity. But, unless you have an actual disease or you're overtraining like crazy, most of us just deal with good old-fashioned psychological stress as our main pro-inflammatory driver. And so, we end up right back at that famous "reduce stress" advice. It's like trying to shove a square peg into a round hole.

Just some more thoughts there to help you put the pieces together a bit better... there's still more to figure out, since cortisol is so incredibly important...

fear/anxiety and motivation/desire are really just two fundamental drivers, you know? like, these core energy sources. they’re actually just two sides of the same coin—dopamine—linked to libido (which I guess explains why treating anxiety is such a nightmare, because the neurotransmitter you’re trying to tweak is the exact same one used for motivation and basically any goal-oriented action). I mean, if you really think about it, wanting something is practically the same thing as *not* wanting something. not wanting something just means you want something else instead. it’s the same scale, the same currency, just a different direction.

some people mostly do things because they're driven by desire. other people are driven by fear.

for me, personally, I feel like I’m pretty much controlled by this pervasive, twisted fear of shame. I don't know if it was ingrained in me during my childhood or if my brain biology just makes me, how should I put this, dopamine-reactive.
it’s not like this sharp, obvious fear of shame that you can consciously pinpoint. it’s more like this deep-seated layer, this filter that just runs automatically in the background—constantly. like, when I’m playing pickup basketball, I get this fear that I’ll make a bad pass, this fear of the shame I’ll feel when I mess up. it gets so intense that my brain starts panicking as the ball is approaching, and it leaves zero room for the actual processing needed to play well. and of course, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy—because I'm panicking about the pass, it's so hard to actually notice where my teammates are moving or where I need to throw it. this filter I operate through has just felt like part of who I am my whole life. I thought it was normal, but really, deep down, it's like there's this constant underlying thought that 'thank God I have all these defense mechanisms, otherwise everyone would see what I really am'... and yeah, over the years I’ve picked up all these habits that just piled into this "secret cargo hold" that nobody is allowed to see... and now what? the cargo hold is already there, the defenses are up... what's stopping me from just loading more stuff into it?

even though I’ve stepped back a bit from researching meds, I can’t help but notice that the level at which I desire things is just as abnormally high as my anxiety levels. since we established they're two sides of the same coin, my situation feels logical, I guess. when I want to build a video game, I'm capable of programming for five days straight without stopping. when I *don't* want to look like an idiot, I end up... overthinking so much that I eventually end up looking like an idiot anyway. unfortunately, those situations where we want to avoid shame usually don't wait for us to figure out a solution—there's a tight deadline, pressure. and that pressure just kills focus and paralyzes the mind. it's fight-or-flight. and you were supposed to just come up with a witty comeback. and you probably would have, if your subconscious hadn't kicked you into fight-or-flight mode and stripped away your ability to react naturally.

anyway, yeah, just some comments, thoughts, ramblings... does anyone else relate to this or whatever?

P.S. from some other research, I concluded I should try Memantine, and this is actually the second time I'm starting it. and once again, I'm noticing the same things that motivated me to look into this topic in the first place.

one of the most obvious examples of this "anxiety/shame/guilt filter" is in sex. it’s not even feelings anymore, it's more like instinctive compulsions. somewhere deep inside, sex feels shameful (maybe because of some weird fetishes or stuff from when I was a kid). the idea of a woman being intimate, or me shaming her, or me feeling ashamed myself—I don't even know, whatever—it mostly just causes me to lose focus... it's literally become an instinct rather than a feeling I can analyze. just an instinct/blockage. I look at a naked body, but the image doesn't hit me emotionally; it just looks like a picture stripped of any sexuality... my eyes constantly dart away, my brain literally tries to escape the sight. when I get a little more into it, when there's more touch, darkness, or support, it slowly fades, but the visual part is what hits me hardest... it's some kind of conflict with watching porn when I was young, god knows what.

basically, Memantine limits that effect from the very first pill. it literally restricts it; I can feel it's still there, but functionally, it isn't. now I can actually look at the image, my eyes don't dart away, my brain doesn't run from what it sees, and I can—more or less—get the emotions and the sexuality from the image. so that's it, that was the constant symptom, my whole life, always, except when I was under the influence of something. Memantine, from the first pill to the last, 100% prevents it, at least to the extent I just described.

Gerald Torres2 said:I remember feeling like I was on speed once; MDMA is a completely different beast. I've tried both pure stuff and pills....😍(That was a long time ago, though. I'm a good kid now; these days I just engage in legal recreational activities!)
Regarding your aversion to meds that take a few weeks to kick in... here is my two cents. I spent three months on Paxil, and those were easily the worst three months of my life. The side effects were unbearable. I was constantly nervous, foggy, dealing with more AP per day, and constant heavy anxiety. I quit. A year later, I had to go back for medication because I deal with severe postpartum depression. I started Wellbutrin with a lot of fear, obviously, given my history. For about five days, I felt even more anxious and jittery than usual (which is standard when adjusting to an AD for the first two weeks), so I managed that with anxiolytics—Xanax, in my case. Eventually, that agitation faded, and so did the depression. I finally felt alive again and actually had the willpower to get out of bed.
The reality is that no antidepressant works the second you swallow it. The instructions explicitly state it takes about two weeks to settle, and that you might experience initial side effects. If they don't subside within that two-week window, that's when you switch.
I don't know your specific situation or diagnosis, but I'm willing to bet you've had five or six depressive episodes lasting two or three months each over the last two years, just like me. When you're in that hole, you'll take anything just to get out.🤷

man, I've been through just about everything over the last 3 or 4 years. I don't even know how to describe it.

I guess I'll just list the symptoms that have been cycling through me over the past few years.

First, it started with this pain in my upper back and neck, like every single muscle was constantly clenched—it's been happening every day for 5 years now. Then came the chronic insomnia, the constant spiraling with negative thoughts, being super sensitive, feeling rejected so easily, mood swings, just breaking down crying for half an hour at a time, asthma for maybe 3 or 4 months plus that feeling of never being able to catch my breath, losing focus, shivering at the slightest hint of cold—like teeth chattering—terrible memory, irritability, sweating through my armpits, heart palpitations or skipped beats, high blood pressure, chronic diarrhea four times a day that burns like lava for weeks, that constant "adrenaline dump" feeling in my gut (you know, that sensation you get right before a car accident or when the ground drops out from under you? I feel that for 3 or 4 hours every single day), chronic external hemorrhoids from straining, sweating even when I'm cold, weird appetite issues during the day, chronic muscle fiber issues without even working out, zero energy, waking up screaming at 2 in the morning, body temperature dropping below 96 degrees...

Most of these things were chronic for 2 or 3 months, then they'd fade just so some other symptom could jump in... and it's been going on like that for years...

So, yeah, I have plenty of reasons to be desperate. Because I have to stay functional as a lead IT architect on the most intense project ever, and I've been doing this for over a year now. Despite all this crap, I'm pulling in about 250 to 300 hours a month. I only had seven days off total this past year, and I worked full shifts every Saturday and 28 Sundays.

For one thing, I can't afford to take pills that will absolutely wreck me for 2 or 3 weeks just so they might finally start working after 4 weeks—and if they don't work, then I'm stuck with another 2 or 3 weeks of hell trying to get off them.

Second, I know these drugs aren't even close to what a real cure would actually be if one were ever discovered. I've studied this stuff quite a bit and, honestly—it's just not it.

So, I've taken just about anything. But not what you're taking. Out of all the ADs, I found one that actually works immediately and long-term—Coaxil—the only SSRE.

But honestly, I don't think messing with serotonin is even on the right track to solving my problems, or the problems of many other people with depression or bipolar disorder, etc. I think the key is actually in the NMDA network. That's why right now I'm taking Memantine (which, by the way, is officially only approved for Alzheimer's here in the US)—and it also works right away.

Yesterday, I spent three hours jumping around and dancing to music. I wasn't depressed at all, I wasn't ruminating, I was actually hyper and having fun all day. And you get that instantly from Memantine, from the very first day you take it.

So, I've managed to find a way to get results immediately without those insane side effects that drag on for weeks.🙂 And eventually, I'll probably find even better options.

Go read my thread about Ketamine, maybe it's already been moved to another section.

I mean, there are basically all these substances out there right now that seem to be driving depression levels up. One example is ketamine. And then you've got other things too, like cortisol... maybe even various different anti-inflammatory supplements, I guess.

Gerald Torres2 said:Hahaha, are you actually kidding me right now? 😕
For me, it’s been great. I was on it by itself for a while, but my doctor eventually added Zoloft into the mix because of my AP and anxiety—apparently, Wellbutrin alone is really meant for major depression. So, currently, I'm taking 100 mg of Zoloft and 150 mg of Wellbutrin XR, and honestly, I feel fantastic. My mood swings have even stabilized over the last two weeks 😛, and I’ve actually started sleeping again in the last few days 😍. My boyfriend just gave me this blank stare yesterday; since things settled down two weeks ago, I feel like a completely different person after being stuck in such a deep depressive funk 🤷!!

I didn't have those issues, but I definitely noticed I was way more irritable and quick to snap during the first two days.. I didn't notice any positive effects right away, so I stopped taking it because of the negative stuff.

I just don't do pills that require waiting two or three weeks to hit a plateau or reach receptor density levels. If a pill doesn't show positive results immediately, I'm out, especially if it shows negative side effects. Like, it would be just great to spend three weeks taking something that makes me feel "wired up" from the jump... maybe after three weeks I'll end up murdering someone over a parking spot.

Maybe read some stories about people for whom Wellbutrin didn't work.. they're a little concerning.. I'm not saying that's going to happen to you, it's a small percentage of cases. If it works for you, it works, it won't change... but I'm just saying, you should be careful.

Wellbutrin is actually prescribed for all sorts of things. It doesn't have to be major depression. They use it for ADHD and other stuff too.

Wellbutrin, under the name Zyban, is sold as a prescription drug to help people quit smoking. So—you don't really need a specific diagnosis to get it. You just tell your doctor you want to stop smoking. That's pretty much it.🙂

btw. regarding that combo of meds you mentioned, I'll give my totally uneducated opinion

Wellbutrin (bupropion) is a "norepinephrine-dopamine reuptake inhibition."
Zoloft is an SSRI, which is "serotonin reuptake inhibition."

A combo like that would make anyone happy, I guess? You're boosting all three. It's sort of like being on MDMA/ecstasy. Not exactly the same, since MDMA is a releaser and not a reuptake inhibitor... but similar... boosting all three definitely causes that intense euphoria, depending on the dose... it's a no brainer... but I don't really see the therapeutic value... maybe as a short-term patch or something... but hey, I'm no psychiatrist...

So, I guess I'll just... go ahead and open this one. It’s a specific topic, and honestly? It might end up being a permanent thing here.

I guess the whole point of this thread should be about those specific situations we keep running into over and over again... you know, those patterns that just become hardwired habits? Like, behaviors that basically end up sabotaging ourselves and just dragging down our overall quality of life. It’s that cycle where we keep doing the same thing, even when it hurts us, and I think it would be really helpful if we could talk about those self-defeating patterns.
And then there's all the attempts at analyzing everything... you know, the way the original poster tries to break it down, plus all those different takes from the other folks on the forum too. It's kind of a lot, I guess. Everyone's got their own way of interpreting things, maybe.
Welcome aboard! And please, I'm begging you... let's keep the advice concrete. I really mean that. Just, uh, no more of those super basic, tired clichés, okay? Please.

I feel like the core premise here is that everyone sharing their stories has already tried forcing themselves to act against their gut instinct, and it didn't work—which, honestly, makes total sense. Feelings are basically our compass. Sure, logic can jump to all sorts of conclusions, but without that internal compass, you just don't have any real certainty about what steps to actually take next. So, if you're going to offer advice like "just push through it" or "you can do this, just believe in yourself," please... maybe save that for a different thread. What we actually need are smart workarounds and actual strategies based on real psychology and neurology. In other words, could we please spare us the life gurus, the religious zealots, and those people who think they've "unlocked the secret to life" (mostly because they probably just have a manic level of dopamine running through their brains)? Let's stick to things that actually work.

I guess I'll just start by laying out a few different situations... maybe that's a good way to kick things off? Yeah, let's go with that.

Scenario 1... I guess? Just sort of staring at this first one. Maybe there's more coming later, who knows. Anyway, here we go.

So, I’m trying to sell my used car, right? And there’s this buyer who’s totally trying to haggle me down on the price. But honestly... I don't know, I just feel this massive, almost overwhelming urge to tell them absolutely everything that's wrong with it. Like, I can't help it. I feel like I have to list every single tiny flaw, and then—and this is the part where I probably go overboard—I start speculating about what might break next. I'll be sitting there like, "Okay, so the alternator might give out in six months, and that'll probably cost you like $800, and honestly, most mechanics at those local shops in Chicago just don't have a clue how to fix it properly anyway." It's kind of ridiculous, I guess. I just feel this need to be completely transparent, even if it makes me look crazy or ruins the deal. Maybe it's just how I am. I just want them to know everything.
I honestly don't feel like I have any way to actually convince a customer to buy a car. It would probably fall into that whole "self-advocacy" category—which, in my mind, is basically a zero out of ten. I don't try to sway their decision at all, really... I just stick to the hard facts, though I do it with absolutely zero enthusiasm or salesy persuasion. Because of that, when I'm negotiating, I find myself dropping the price much lower than I ever intended to. It happens a lot, actually. Overall, I just end up acting like I have this desperate need to please the buyer, even if it ends up hurting me in the long run. I guess that's just how I am.

I guess I should probably try to break this down... if I can even get my thoughts straight. It’s a bit much, honestly. Maybe I'm overthinking it, but there's just so much going on here. I mean, looking at the whole situation, it feels like we're missing the bigger picture somehow. Or maybe I am? I don't know. It’s hard to say for sure without more data, I suppose. Everything just feels sort of... scattered. Like, you look at one part and it makes sense, but then you pivot to the next thing and everything shifts again. It's a lot to process. Just my two cents, though. I'm just sitting here trying to make sense of it all.
I mean, I really wouldn't want my car dealer to hide all the flaws from me, you know? Like, if I were buying a used Ford or something, I’d want the full story. So, I guess... when I'm actually the one in the position of selling, I make sure to report everything. I just think it's better that way. Maybe it's just how I am, but yeah, I'd rather be upfront about the issues.
Look, as a buyer... I don't care. Honestly? I’m just completely indifferent to all that sales pitch nonsense. I don't need the fluff or the high-pressure tactics. I just want the facts. Plain and simple. I have this... I guess you could call it a total filter for all that extra noise. To me, being pushed into buying something through some clever persuasion feels like I'm basically insulting my own intelligence. It’s kind of degrading, if that makes sense? So, yeah—there's no way I could ever use those kinds of techniques myself if I were on the other side of the counter. Like, I just can't. I really couldn't do it.
When it comes to haggling... I don't know. I kind of feel like a cheapskate if someone tries to give me a better deal and I just, like, refuse to take it? It’s weird. Maybe I'm just being stingy, but honestly, it feels more like I'm just trying to avoid a confrontation. Like, I just want to keep things smooth and peaceful, you know? I guess I'm just conflict-avoidant. Or maybe I am actually just being tight. I can't tell.

So, I was thinking about that second situation again... you know, the one we were talking about earlier? I guess I’m still kind of chewing on it. It’s just one of those things where everything feels a bit unsettled, maybe? I don't know. It feels like there isn't really a clear way forward, or at least nothing feels super obvious right now. I might be overthinking it, though. Honestly, I probably am. But yeah, that second scenario... it's just weighing on my mind a little bit more than I expected it to.

It’s kind of a role reversal, isn't it? I’m out here trying to buy a used car, and I find myself being super careful about how I phrase things. I don't want to sound like I'm accusing the seller of trying to scam me or pull some fast one, you know? I mean, I’m sitting there, listening to them spin these long, elaborate tales—basically just selling me a bunch of hot air—and I'm just thinking to myself, *man, he's really laying it on thick.* But most of the time, I probably won't say anything. I’ll just politely nod along to their sales pitch, eat up whatever nonsense they're serving, and maybe—for some weird, inexplicable reason—actually end up buying the car despite all the fluff. I guess that's just how it goes.
I mean, I don't even have to say it, right? I’ve seriously messed up the ball so many times during different buy-sell deals... it's just one of those things, I guess.

So, here's my take on this... I really don't like it when customers grill me like I’m some kind of con artist, you know? And honestly, I don't do that to people when I'm out shopping either—not at all. I guess consciously buying overpriced junk just to avoid an argument is basically just conflict avoidance, IMO. Like, why bother? Also, when I buy stuff, it’s usually things I actually want, and man, I want them BADLY. I mean, I want them enough that I'll just totally ignore the insults to my intelligence from being sold garbage, and I'll probably ignore a crazy high price tag or even a flaw that I really shouldn't be overlooking. Maybe that's just how I am, I guess.
I mean, at the end of the day... making any kind of rational, realistic decision when you're dealing with this much internal pressure? It’s basically impossible. I guess it just doesn't work that way. Maybe it's just the situation, but honestly, it feels pretty much impossible to think straight under all that weight.

I guess I’m starting to see some real issues with my own internal wiring... like, there's this super intense, controlling conscience, right? And then there's this massive urge to avoid any kind of conflict at all costs. Combined with this huge, overwhelming surge of passion or desire... it just feels like it leads to such dysfunctional behavior. It really messes with my ability to actually assess things emotionally and objectively at the same time. I mean, don't get me wrong—I can analyze a situation rationally. I can see the logic perfectly fine. But if I don't have that gut feeling, that underlying emotion telling me the assessment is actually *right*... I just can't bring myself to act on what my brain knows is the logical conclusion. Because, you know, feelings are what actually drive us. Without that connection, I feel like I have this real deficit when it comes to making decisions that are actually grounded in reality. It's tough.

I don't know, maybe I'm just overthinking this, but it honestly feels like several different parts of my brain are all firing at once, like they're hyperactive or something. It’s creating this massive dysfunction where I feel totally torn between two extremes. It's almost like those loud, overwhelming centers are just drowning everything else out... so the other parts of my brain don't even get a fair chance to actually function or do their jobs because the others are just screaming way too loud. I guess that's how it feels.

redranger2 said:It is widely recognized that Wellbutrin acts as a libido enhancer.

and those sudden outbursts of rage🙂

ruggedtinker9 said:Living life feels utterly unbearable right now; this sense of psychosis has completely leveled me, and I am at a loss as to how one even begins to recover. While I haven't received an official diagnosis of schizophrenia, the line between my current state and that reality feels incredibly thin. I used to be quite driven and active—I traveled, maintained steady employment, and found genuine interest in the world around me. Then, almost out of nowhere, all of that evaporated. A crushing boredom took hold, I stopped working, and I began struggling with cognitive limitations, social dysfunction, and a total loss of spontaneity. It feels as though my intelligence and mental faculties have plummeted to their absolute lowest point. I am frequently overwhelmed by intense anxiety and fear. Every time I experience even a slight surge of emotion, I immediately worry that it might be a precursor to a psychotic break. I feel trapped in this sort of vicious cycle, as if I’m under some kind of dark spell. I lack the willpower to do anything, and my days simply pass by while I continue to wither away. Has anyone here actually managed to recover from this kind of mental wreckage? And I suppose I wonder, is this truly a physiological brain disorder, or is it more a matter of the mind itself?

uh, I don't know, this kind of sounds more like bipolar depression to me...

So, I had this random thought pop into my head—it’s probably not super useful or anything, but it felt kind of interesting to me..

You know, when you’re just a kid, lying there in bed, unable to drift off... maybe you were watching Twilight Zone or some old spooky show, and the streetlights outside are casting this weird glow through the lace curtains. You start looking around... and pretty soon, you begin to notice faces in the patterns of the lace... even in the shadow the curtain casts on the dresser across from the window.. just these random faces.. that Twilight Zone episode was actually about how people see faces in patterns, and how those faces might come to life and things would go south... and that's exactly what happens to you, these little faces start appearing... the longer you stare, the more you feel like they're alive, like they're about to move, like they're evil, and like they're staring at you with malice... so you hide under the covers... the fear is just overwhelming... and you spend the whole night like that, or well, until you eventually pass out... trying to convince yourself that if the faces haven't done anything yet, they won't do anything, and somehow you calm down enough to fall asleep after a while...

What am I even trying to say? I guess paranoia and hallucinations are actually sort of built into all of us.. I think a lot of people can't quite wrap their heads around it, but they've actually experienced that process where the brain sees something that isn't really there... one example is exactly what I just described—that tendency to "notice" faces in all sorts of different patterns and textures... I don't know what I'm even gaining by posting this, but, yeah... I just had to get it out of my system 🙂

Anyway, regarding treatments, here's another article/study that looks at how NMDA receptors and glutamate play a role
http://www.psychointegrator.com/2008...nia-treatment/

And one more

http://apt.rcpsych.org/content/8/3/189.full

Noah Garcia4 said:Thanks for the heads-up 👍 .
It’s definitely worth looking into. It is honestly fascinating how one specific medication can be a total lifesaver for one person struggling with schizophrenia, yet for someone else, that exact same prescription is either completely useless or even makes things worse. It’s much like how a certain engine might run flawlessly in a Ford but stalls out immediately if you try to drop it into a Chevy.

I mean, I guess it’s possible that ketamine withdrawal is actually what jolted that catatonic patient awake... if I remember the article correctly, they didn't wake up during the actual treatment, but later on

Anyway, ketamine isn't really recommended for schizophrenia. I suppose the whole point is finding something that works in the complete opposite way ketamine does to help manage it...

But then again, it looks like ketamine is currently doing wonders for severe bipolar depression and those intense suicidal thoughts...

Noah Garcia4 said:Could you give me a quick rundown of what this research is actually getting at? I can see you have a pretty solid handle on brain chemistry, but honestly, I feel like I could read this thing ten times over and still miss the forest for the trees.☕

Oh, never mind, I think I get it now... it's about another way to approach schizophrenia... focusing on how it affects NMDA receptors...

So, the whole logic kind of stems from ketamine—which, by the way, is a general anesthetic used in humans sometimes, but mostly on animals—it basically shuts down those NMDA receptors and triggers symptoms that look a lot like schizophrenia... and since ketamine actually makes schizophrenia symptoms worse, specifically the positive ones, researchers figured maybe people with schizophrenia have issues with their NMDA receptors, so they started there... they actually saw some pretty good results with about a third of patients being treated with glycine (which you find in things like soy, for instance) because it helps those NMDA receptors work better... so now, future studies are looking into developing NMDA agonists or other ways to boost that NMDA signaling...

In one specific study, ketamine made the symptoms worse for chronic schizophrenic patients who were active... but then, there was this one case with a chronic catatonic patient where ketamine actually pulled them out of the catatonia and the person recovered...

Anyway, just hang in there... maybe you could even show this text to your doctor and see about trying some glycine supplements just to see if it helps anything at all...

David Bishop3 said:People living in big cities tend to be incredibly neurotic—mostly because they’ve completely lost that primal, animalistic ability to just function.
When an animal runs into a hurdle, it reacts. It doesn't sit around at a Starbucks or stare at a computer screen, overthinking and spiraling into endless analysis.
It’s the same way they handle the past, too; animals only retain history as useful lessons learned, rather than dwelling on memories or raw emotions for the sake of feeling them.
That’s why you don't see them grieving or sinking into depression—they simply pivot toward whatever gives them the best chance at survival.

The fix for these overwhelming emotions is pretty simple: we need to embrace our natural instincts more and stop being so forced or mentally blocked by the constraints of modern "civilization."

Yeah, exactly. We’re living unnaturally. Civilization itself is unnatural. They always say civilization is what sets us apart from animals, but I feel like the logic there is actually pretty flawed. Like, we’re different because of things we manufactured ourselves. How does building a sewer system actually make us physically different from animals? I mean, we still deal with the same biological realities.

Basically, building this whole civilization hasn't actually changed our genetic code. But the life we've created over the last few centuries expects us to perform like robots.

David Vaughn75 said:Humans are evolutionarily designed to solve problems, not to just pop a magic pill and watch them vanish. If that were the case, we never would have survived lions or natural disasters. You have to engage your brain to tackle an issue.

Pills are there for when it becomes literally impossible to function any other way.

I guess I agree. Honestly, maybe the OP should try engaging their own brain a bit more and figure out a way to actually raise people from the dead to fix this mess.

By the way, I’d love to hear about all those genius solutions we supposedly came up with for earthquakes, volcanoes, tsunamis, or meteor strikes.

Overthinking things during a depressive episode—especially when it's about stuff you can't change—is kind of just self-inflicted masochism. If it goes on too long, it's basically pathological.

Actually, dwelling on the negative is like a "depression addiction."

I don't know if anyone else has put it quite like this, but I'll give it a shot. This is just my layperson's take on it, anyway.

Ruminating, or just obsessing over negative thoughts, acts like a type of addiction. See, rumination—just like any other state where you're intensely focused—inevitably stimulates the dopamine system, which the brain marks as a "reward." Even though the actual content of the thoughts causes anxiety and sadness, the part of the brain registering that intense focus doesn't care about the misery; it just sees a source of stimulation and logs it as such.
That side effect of anxiety and sadness is what drives depression, because it lowers your baseline dopamine levels (compared to when you aren't ruminating). When dopamine is low, the brain starts looking for ways to replenish it. It reaches for whatever source seems easiest or most immediate—which, wouldn't you know it, is rumination. It's right there, always available. That gives a quick spike of dopamine, followed by lingering anxiety that drops your levels again as soon as you stop, which then triggers that craving for dopamine all over again. It becomes this loop where the brain thinks this is the only way to "feed" itself. That's how this whole depression addiction cycle builds up and gets deeper.

If you're someone who is naturally more reactive—meaning your dopamine system is a bit harder to control—then this addiction can grab hold of you pretty easily, just like any other habit. People with certain genetic predispositions involving dopamine signaling—maybe folks with ADHD, bipolar disorder, or schizophrenia—seem especially vulnerable. They tend toward deep moods and heavy rumination because their hyper-reactive dopamine systems are constantly trying to compensate for inherent signaling issues.

So, yeah... that's my take.

Just my two cents. I haven't heard it explained exactly like that before, but that's just how it feels to me.🙂

Personally, I tend to lean toward using medication to correct these kinds of states.

David Vaughn75 said:Sounds like your psychiatrist knows what they're doing.

Because let's be real—pills aren't going to fix your life's problems.

In my opinion—and I might be wrong here—I just don't think the human body was ever meant to handle the sheer weight of modern civilization and all the pressure it throws at us.

People really need freedom, you know? To just do what they want. I guess that’s the only way we’re actually happy. Like, back in the day, if you were hungry, you’d just head out into the woods, hunt a bear, and eat it. Problem solved. The motivation to take down a bear is right there, plain and simple—you're starving. Then, eventually, agriculture happened. You work half the year planting and growing food, watching over it, and then finally eating it. You have supplies, so you can survive longer without having to go out and hunt. It gives you periods where you don't have to work constantly. Now, civilization keeps moving forward... today you have a job, maybe doing paperwork, and that paperwork supports some business process that enables this or that... and then the company makes money and pays you at the end of the month. So you take that money, and when you're hungry, you just go to the grocery store and buy food.

The big thing here, I think, is how effort and reward are totally disconnected now. If your brain can't bridge the gap between the work you put in and the reward you get—well, depression becomes almost inevitable. In those early communities, effort and reward were pretty much directly linked... But today? Sometimes you work your tail off and you actually get penalized for it... let alone getting to feel the direct fruit of your labor.

That's just one example of how our brains aren't wired for the conditions of modern society. Our thought processes try to adapt; some people adapt better than others, some worse, and some might even have an innate difficulty that makes it incredibly hard, or impossible, to adjust. But it’s all just adaptation, really. Just compensation for this unnatural environment we built for ourselves.

So, yeah, I guess that's my take. I think medication has its place. It has just as much justification as civilization itself does.

So, I stumbled upon something today regarding how sound processing works with ADHD

http://adhd-treatment-options.blogsp...disorders.html

fadedbear92 said:@ Jessica Fowler4

Are you telling all this stuff to your therapist too, or just venting here?

I mean, I do tell my psychiatrist everything... well, maybe not literally every single thing since some parts are just replies to questions she didn't even ask, but yeah, everything you think is problematic, I’ve brought up in therapy. I don't see the point in lying to a doctor, especially about things that mess with your head. For me, using drugs... it's more like testing things out, or just self-medicating, I guess.

And it's not like I'm using drugs to run away from reality, or from traumas, or a bad life situation, or anything like that. My actual reality is... honestly, it's pretty decent. It's not something I need to escape.

It's more like I'm trying to run away from myself. From my own brain, which is just too intense and... I don't know, incoherent? It won't shut up, and it won't focus on what's happening right in front of me. I've said it before—I'd take anything just to change the state of my head. Anything. It doesn't even have to be something great... sometimes I think a literal hit to the head would feel good... which is probably why when I was a kid, I used to bang my head against a pillow just to fall asleep... or shake my head side to side on the pillow and stuff like that.

Like, let me give you an example of something I haven't really touched on yet... you're having sex, but your mind is just drifting through these random thoughts... not even worrying thoughts, just nonsense, incomplete thoughts that you can't even grab onto... and then you realize it, and you start "reminding" yourself to focus on the sex, and then you start thinking about the fact that you're thinking about how you need to focus. And then you realize you're now thinking about the fact that you're thinking about focusing, and you just can't actually experience the sex happening. And then the anxiety starts building up around that. It's just... meanwhile, the physical act is being handled by some automated version of you—the same way you can drive a car while you're lost in a conversation with your boss or just thinking about nothing at all (those incomplete thoughts).

So, yeah. That's just how I live. Every single moment of my life feels like that kind of situation inside my head. That's what I'm running from...

brisktrucker said:I’m really grateful for these two posts. 🙂 Oh, I almost forgot to mention—I’ve actually been seeing my psychiatrist for quite a while now. But, surprisingly, I haven't been prescribed any antidepressants. 😢 It turns out my doctor doesn't think they're necessary for me at this stage. 🙄

Maybe you could try seeing a different psychiatrist?

Or, if you want to take the easier route, maybe just pick up some St. John's Wort extract at a CVS or something. Just... please be careful and make sure it is pure St. John's Wort, and not some weird herbal blend where it's just a tiny ingredient in a mix.

"most Studies on Harvard use doses of 300 mg of hydroalcoholic extract called WS 5570 (standardized contents of 3%–6% hyperforin and 0.12%–0.28% hypericin) one to three times daily to achieve a therapeutic effect.[15] No cases of overdose are known.[citation needed]"

So, yeah, just check the ingredients list, look for the concentrations of hyperforin and hypericin, and then sort of calculate how much you might need based on that info above... maybe taking a couple of tablets of a standard supplement from Walgreens daily would be okay... if you start feeling a bit more positive, maybe give it a shot for a week or so and see if it helps...

St. John's Wort is a natural antidepressant, almost on par with the prescription stuff.

(I mean, I'm not usually a huge advocate for herbs and all that, but St. John's Wort is kind of different.)

Oh, and if you do take St. John's Wort, definitely wear sunglasses if you're out in the bright sun.

If you find that it actually works for you, try to use that feeling as a spark. Use it to reconcile with whatever happened. Use it to step out of that mental prison you're in—go talk to people, grab a coffee with a friend, get out and do some sports... you know, just move forward.