The 10-step manual for becoming an elite music snob
step 1: Master the essential snob lexicon:
- Sellout—basically any band that managed to get popular after starting out in a garage.
- Poseur—literally anyone who enjoys a sellout. Or, alternatively, anyone who didn't happen to discover a band at the exact same moment you did.
- Underground — Excellent
- Commercial — Evil
- Sounds like…meets….—used when saying "Band X sounds like Band Y meets Band Z," which actually implies Band X bears absolutely zero resemblance to either Band Y or Band Z. For instance: “I love Moby! He kind of sounds like Pantera meets Alanis Morissette.”
- Lo-fi, indie, nu-metal, poppy, retro, anarchist, authentic, awesome, infectious, experimental—these are essentially empty buzzwords that you can slap onto nearly anything. Use them constantly.
step 2: Immerse yourself in these artists: The Pixies, The Velvet Underground, Sonic Youth, Beck meets Fugazi. Loving these isn't optional; if you don't, you simply aren't cool.
step 3: Study these names: Goo Goo Dolls, Blink-182, Limp Bizkit, The Strokes, Linkin Park. You are required to loathe them. Failure to do so results in immediate loss of cool status.
step 4: Internalize the discographies of Nirvana, Tool, Radiohead, Metallica, The Beatles, The Who, R.E.M., Pearl Jam, Moby, and The Beastie Boys. You may hold personal opinions on them, provided those opinions are delivered with the authority of a scholar and backed by undeniable evidence. For example: “Nirvana is fine, but they aren't Pixies good. Way too poppy. Just listen to Incesticide and you'll realize their songwriting is vastly inferior, regardless of what people say.” You should be able to recite every track, every tour date, and every lineup change from memory. Also, you must prefer their debut albums over their later work. Anything else is uncool.
step 5: Unearth at least five obscure bands that nobody else has ever heard of. Commit them to memory, then casually brag to fellow connoisseurs about how legendary they are and how you caught their set back when they were playing to ten people. Personally, I was a System of a Down fan well before they dropped their self-titled debut. Now, I can simultaneously look down on all those SOAD poseurs who only showed up after “Chop Suey!” and pretend to despise the band themselves for selling out to the man.
step 6: Accept the reality that every other wannabe snob is hunting for the same obscure gems you are. Consequently, you need to know every band that has ever existed. That way, when someone claims, “I saw Queens of the Stone Age—you've probably never heard of them—and they were incredible! Their self-titled record is a masterpiece!”, you can hit them with: “You only know the self-titled? I've been a QOTSA fan since their very first EP! Poseur.”
step 7: Abbreviate band names for no apparent reason to signal your deep expertise. If you refer to And You Will Know Us By The Trail of Dead as AYWKUBTTOD and actually manage to pronounce it properly, people will instantly recognize your profound level of dedication.
step 8: Invent your own hyper-specific genres. It's actually quite simple—just look at these: Rapmetalcore, Ambientoid, Technotic Trance, Austro-Zimbabwean Crazed Drumming, The Cosmic Super Happy Retro Sound, or The Nu-Reggae Movement. Aim to categorize all music into these invented labels so your definitions encompass everything ever recorded.
step 9: Form a band. Honestly, talent is secondary—it shouldn't stop you from theoretically landing a spot on MTV. Though, of course, you won't actually *want* to be on MTV. In fact, you probably won't even care about writing or performing. Your only goal is to be able to claim membership in a group that is fundamentally superior to every other band in existence.
step 10: Always remember that you are the ultimate musical authority. No one possesses more knowledge than you, and heaven help the person who dares to question your taste. You are a force to be reckoned with. You are a true, cool music snob.