Death doesn't scare me, and honestly, religion isn't an issue either. What actually keeps me up at night is the thought of my actions hurting my family. I've put a lot of thought into this. I think they have a pretty outdated and flawed way of looking at death; at the end of the day, it’s really just a seesaw between doing what’s best for me or what’s best for them. Personally, I don't think it's worth going through all that misery... I'd rather just make the most of the time I have left and go out on my own terms, in peace...
I don't really buy that you'll be "at peace" by choosing to leave.
If you truly didn't want to live, I don't believe you would have even posted this. In fact, you're proving you want to live—you even admitted it in one of your previous posts.
Life is just what it is. Sometimes it's bad genetics, sometimes it's our own screw-ups, and sometimes it's just some higher power pulling the strings...
That's how it is for you, too. Whatever it is, there's a cause. I think your real struggle is just refusing to accept what life is throwing at you. At least, not accepting it in the way it's being handed to you. I wouldn't even say you can't handle it, because the way you're thinking shows a certain level of grit and courage. Then again, some judgmental religious types would probably call you weak.
The seesaw you're sitting on hasn't tipped yet. Are you looking for someone here to give you a push in one direction or the other?
Look, your views on death are totally valid. But isn't it also a reality that death brings pain? It's a seriously messed up situation.
But I'm missing something. I realized you have a choice that offers you a life in your double digits, after a period of surgery, recovery...
You know what seems most logical to me? Taking those double digits.
Why? Because your life matters to you, but it also matters to the people who love you. It doesn't sit right with me that you're making decisions for them. You'd be robbing them of the chance to show you all that love and attention, to care for you, and to help you get to those double digits we talked about.
Why would you walk away from their love and support?
You're kidding yourself if you think it'll be easier for them. It won't. You aren't protecting them; if anything, you're leaving them a permanent inheritance of pain. A pain that will haunt them with the word "why." That question is a curse; it stays forever. It hides in a corner of your brain and then comes screaming back, louder every single time. I get it—I've carried that question in my head for years. Even though I've accepted it, even though I've "forgiven" it, that damn "why" is still right here.
But whatever, that's irrelevant. That's just a question someone else will have to carry.
In your story, the main thing is that life will bring what it brings, and you have choices:
a) end it now
b) try to survive, knowing everything that's ahead
c) end it if attempt "b" fails
d) die a natural death one day in your double digits
The decision is entirely yours.
If you pick "a": be fair enough to ensure it doesn't end as just an attempt.
If you pick "b": hats off to you.
If you pick "c": don't let it stay a failed attempt.
If you pick "d": then you've realized you are unique in this world, and that what you want to cut short for whatever reason is YOUR LIFE, no matter what it looks like or what it brings you.
And if you're asking me (which you aren't), I'm voting for the last option.