Posts by Carol Barrett2

My legs were basically giving out at home because of the Lennon—I’m talking total numbness. Even when I was staying at the hospital, I felt unsteady, like I was losing my footing constantly. So, yeah, I just stopped taking it. I decided to quit on my own terms. Now I'm just sticking to the Azilex—or whatever they call it—and taking some Bosaurin at night to actually get some sleep. Honestly, I'm kind of dreading seeing my psychiatrist about it; I feel like I'm going to get chewed out. It’s frustrating because right before I was discharged, they had already cut my dosage in half, but then someone on the discharge paperwork somehow doubled everything back up.

I can't quite put my finger on why there's such a massive difference between being at the hospital versus being at home. At home, the Lennon makes my legs just... fail. In the hospital, it was more of this constant weakness, like I couldn't keep my balance.

It’s probably just the human element, I guess. I was way more active in the hospital since I was actually talking to people, unlike how much I do at home.

But man, I’ve just completely fallen apart over these last six years—actually, it feels like a whole decade now—ever since I got sick. I've just become totally powerless.

I was watching this video the other day about liver health, and they were saying that anything I'm dealing with could potentially be caused by liver issues.

I mean, looking at it now, if you’re actually taking care of yourself and living a bit healthier, then yeah—of course things are going to feel better. It’s pretty obvious that lifestyle plays a massive role in how a disease hits you. Stress, poor habits, all that stuff... it definitely makes a difference.

Fair enough. This Azirileks stuff actually seems to kick in even if you only take half a dose.

Look, I’m not going to sit here and argue that I don't have a bit of schizophrenia going on—maybe a little—but paranoia? Not really my vibe. I don't walk around with this constant, nagging feeling that someone is lurking in the shadows or following me around. I mean, obviously, I'm aware that the entire internet is basically being vacuumed up by federal agencies and hackers these days—so yeah, maybe I get hit with a virus or some nasty malware every once in a while—but that's just life in the digital age.

Maybe my therapist flagged me for paranoia just because I’ve gone totally off the grid—no social life, nothing. Plus, she probably thinks I'm delusional because she dug up this ancient laptop from 2012. She found it, and honestly? I haven't even really talked to people lately. I don't even know how to act or what to say to anyone anymore. My mouth gets all dry, and I couldn't even bring myself to mention that my family is struggling with alcoholism. If I told them, they'd find out, and I hate lying... but then again, who knows how they'd react? They put up with me, though. I'm dependent on them. So, I end up staying quiet about all this, even though I've been blunt with my own folks—I just can't say it to outsiders, even if everyone in the neighborhood pretty much knows the deal.

It’s not just my own take on things, either—I've actually had a psychologist confirm it. I’ve basically opted out of socializing altogether, which, let’s be honest, is mostly because I’m broke as hell and can't afford to keep up with anyone. It's a total scam. I don't really go out much for that exact same reason. The only thing keeping me somewhat connected to the rest of humanity is the internet.

Nowadays, you need a bankroll just to hang out with people. It's not like it used to be. Back in the day, you could just meet up or grab a seat and talk. Now? Everything revolves around whether you can afford to grab a drink or some overpriced food.

It’s like, the whole deal with schizophrenia is having these hallucinations or visual disturbances—whatever you want to call them—but I don't have those. Never have. I’m not exactly paranoid either, except for the obvious fact that federal agencies spy on certain people. I don't think they're specifically targeting me, but hey, they're definitely watching someone.

I suspect I might have a mild form of autism—you know, Asperger's—and maybe some paranoid schizophrenia, because my mother used to claim I saw demons in people. But that’s not what I was actually saying. I told her that those "demons" were messing with my head, or that those "vampires" were draining my blood.

Now my mom is claiming she misspoke back when I was admitted to the psych ward. Says that wasn't what she meant. At the time, I just told the technician I needed a break from my own family because they wouldn't stop fighting, and I even told the chief psychiatrist that I was checking myself in because of family issues.

Jose Ward4 said:Look, a random video didn't teach you how to diagnose your own skin issues and everything else. Why don't you just go see a doctor for a full exam? That really is your best bet.

Well, I was there. I was actually in the hospital, and then ended up in psychiatric care after getting out. But as for my family—I can't do that. There are reasons why I can't deal with them right now.

I just wish I could get back into a hospital, maybe internal medicine, just so they could run all the tests properly. Life's a trip, man. Desires don't always come true—sometimes they don't happen easily, and sometimes, they just never happen at all.

Fiber. I mean, people talk about whole grains, but personally, I’m all about those little fiber cookies. Honestly, better than just plain cereal. Keeps things moving, you know?

The thing is, according to my doctors at the Mayo Clinic, everything comes back "normal." But I’m sitting here feeling like crap. I had some liver issues a while back—some kind of scarring—and now my vision is acting up. Floaters, weird shifts in my prescription... it’s a mess. One eye is fine, the other is plus, then it's both, then just one. And there's this swelling near my tooth from an old infection; it flares up every once in a while, though it seems to be chilling out for now, I hope. I've got plenty of other issues too, ranging from bone pain to... well, everything else.

I just don't get how the lab results can look perfect when I'm clearly struggling with all this. And no, I'm not a hypochondriac—even if my psychologist noted some "hypochondriac tendencies" in her report. I’m not making this stuff up. My skin issues alone are obvious enough to see.

I was watching this video recently that suggested the liver could be the root of it all. Everything—from skin flare-ups to sleeping way too much, or that constant, heavy fatigue where you feel like you never actually slept.

Because, believe me, I wouldn't mind being healthy for once.

Jose Ward4 said:How’s everyone doing today, my little nuggets?

Doing fine. Thanks for asking. Hope you're hanging in there too.

Look, it’s not like I have some deep-seated issue with being around people. It’s just... I wouldn't exactly call myself a social butterfly. Maybe it's just my personality—or maybe it's because my bank account is looking pretty pathetic lately. Honestly? Probably a bit of both.

Back to the point.

Leponeks: my legs feel like they're giving out on me; I've got this weakness in them where I feel like I'm just going to collapse at any second.

Everyone: the side effects include constipation, which is its own special kind of nightmare.

I'm thinking about just sticking to the Aziriser—whatever that is—and Bosaurin, while cutting out the Leponeks entirely, or maybe just taking the Leponeks alongside the Bosaurin like it's supposed to be done. Basically, half doses of the Aziriser and Leponeks, but the full dose of Bosaurin.

I should probably see my psychiatrist either this week or next to figure out what to do about these meds. Should I go back to the Metotoen and Apaurin and maybe add something else for my mood? Or stick with what I have now but drop the Leponeks and just take half a pill of the Aziriser twice a day.

The current stuff isn't actually bad. It keeps my mood steady. I feel a bit like a zombie, sure, but it doesn't slow me down, and it definitely kills off those dark thoughts that creep in every now and then.

And I still haven't filed for Social Security or disability. I don't even know how to start the process, and the people who are supposed to help me keep pushing it off.

Look, I’m not trying to be modest or anything—that’s just not my style—but I don't go around bragging about myself. People seem to find it easy enough to include me in their circles, though I honestly couldn't tell you why. I’ve never really been much of a social butterfly, and, well, let's just say my bank account isn't exactly screaming "let's go out tonight."

For instance, someone I used to hook up with is calling me to go out right now, but I just can't make it happen. I simply don't have the cash for outings and stuff like that.

If it weren't for the internet, I think I'd probably lose my mind completely. Though, to be fair, I can manage without it—I haven't even been online for days.

Alright, here’s the deal.

Bosaurin: might mess with your stomach—constipation is a possibility—personally, I’d stick with Apaurin.
Leponeks: could cause constipation, maybe some weird flu-like symptoms... honestly, it knocks me out instantly. I feel like I'm physically wasting away when I try to walk, whether I take half a dose or the whole thing.
Azirileksa or whatever the name is: It just feels a bit off, like it gives me this weird sensation of running a fever. Metotoen might be a better bet.

As for me? Yeah, it’s pretty rough. I can barely function. I’m constantly sleeping and I'm just exhausted all the time. I mean, I’ve always been a bit of a zombie, but now it feels even worse—or maybe it's just my head playing tricks on me.

I’ve been playing chemist with these meds for days now. This Azaraleks stuff—whatever it’s called—doesn't really hit the mark for me, though my mood seems okay, I guess. Today I tried the Leponex, so we’ll see if that actually does anything. Honestly, I think the Bosaurin might be the only thing actually working.

I might be running into some side effects from this cocktail, too. Dealing with snoring from the Bosaurin and Leponex, some constipation from the Bosaurin, and I might even be coming down with a bit of a flu.

Looks like you guys are all on the Haldol or something.

What’s considered the mildest option for depression?

Quote : Silence

Rebecca Rivera3 said:Visionary, you've certainly been through the wringer... I can tell by the comments that those medications are hitting you pretty hard.

To be honest, I’ve tried quitting my meds on my own several times, but I always end up back on them because everything just resurfaces the moment I stop. Even now, I'm three days into stopping my treatment, and I'm struggling. I'm dealing with suicidal ideation and this crushing sense of worthlessness. It’s especially bad since leaving college; it feels like I have nothing to offer and no reason to keep going.
For me, it started as recurrent depression, then shifted to bipolar, then schizoid personality, followed by manic depression and F29 psychosis.
A simple schizo diagnosis... wonderful. On top of all that, I have plenty of personal issues I can't seem to manage. I go to psychotherapy every two or three weeks. I’ve cycled through so many different APs and Ads, and the side effects were endless. Only Haldol provides any relief, but even that isn't enough.
I've been teetering on the edge of hospitalization for a long time now—fighting it, then crashing... the mood swings and all that, you know how it goes.

Man, life just keeps throwing everything at us at once, doesn't it? It feels like we're all just getting absolutely hammered by reality lately. And honestly—it’s not even about the therapy itself—it’s more about the inconsistency. Like, they doubled my dosage on the discharge papers, yet when I was actually over at the KBZ psychiatric ward, they were giving me way less. Just total chaos.

So, they used to have me on a full dose of Leponex and two Bosaurins, but lately, things have shifted—now I’m just getting half a dose of the 25 mg Leponex mixed with 5 mg of Bosaurin. They've been tapering me down.

And then in the morning—if my memory isn't totally failing me—it was like half a dose of Leponex, a full dose of Bosaurin, and that whole Arzelera thing... whatever the hell it's called. I can't quite recall the exact name.

So, I went ahead and cut everything in half on my own—except for the Bosaurin at night. Honestly, I feel like I’m flying blind here because I don't exactly have anyone to turn to; the psychiatrist handling my annual reviews is the only one in the loop. My folks won't let me switch doctors just so I can tell a new one that I've been tapering myself off or that I suspect I might be bipolar. They aren't having it. And now? Now I'm even questioning the whole adult autism thing. It just hit me today that someone could totally fail tests for schizophrenia when they actually just have undiagnosed adult autism. It's a mess.

Honestly, there’s nothing else I can do with them. It feels like my only real move left is to take this to court—or at least try to. I’m thinking about bringing in some forensic psychologists and psychiatrists to act as expert witnesses, just so they can finally see exactly what’s going on with me and realize nothing is actually wrong.

Look, I’m not denying that my mental health is a total wreck, but I’ve gotta say—I don't really buy this specific diagnosis they handed me. It doesn't quite fit. Plus, I've got plenty of physical issues acting up on top of everything else. But honestly? At this point, I just don't care. Let the whole thing fall apart if it wants to—I'm just going to focus on trying to get what's actually mine.

Some folks suggested I hit up Social Security first—you know, try to get some assistance based on all this mess—then move on to applying for disability, and eventually aim for those caregiver benefits. Just one thing after another, I guess.

Oko 124 miles That's it. That’s the whole budget—maybe even a bit more than that—and my mom is basically footing the bill through some under-the-table cash work she does.

If I can actually pull this off, things are going to look up instantly—I mean, I’ll finally have at least a little bit of breathing room to treat myself to the small stuff. Right now? I can barely afford anything. It's frustrating.

It’s just the worst when your own family screws you over for absolutely no reason. I mean, we didn't even have any major blowouts or fights with them—it wasn't even about us. It’s just that my old man has this massive issue with gambling and drinking, and because of his mess, they ended up throwing us under the bus. Just total nonsense.

It’s funny how you can’t count on anyone from that group for even a shred of help. My old lady actually went around telling people I was stuck in the hospital—which isn't exactly a joke—but she didn't offer a single cent of financial support. And this is coming from someone who’s sitting on a pension from Sweden and our local Social Security. It’s wild. She doesn't even bother talking to the rest of them because, honestly, they haven't done much to help either, even though everyone else has managed to scrape by and build a pretty decent life for themselves.

I honestly don't even know where to start with you, Rebecca Rivera3. I actually sent you a DM about this. It feels like everyone is just throwing diagnoses at me left and right lately—it’s constant. First, they slapped me with psychosis, then it was "psychosis in remission," then they brought up a suicide attempt and some other stuff... though, to be honest, my family keeps everything under wraps, so I never really saw the full picture from them. And now? Now it's paranoid schizophrenia, F20. Just one thing after another.

It looks like I’m definitely dealing with some side effects from these meds. I haven't had a bowel movement in over a week—just constant constipation—and I'm having issues with urination now, too. On top of that, I’ve started hearing voices... almost like flashbacks. Like, I'll hear a conversation from a day ago just playing back in my head. Not exactly a fun time.

I don't know if you've actually experienced any of this yourself.

What I'm trying to say is—I honestly don't even know how to put this—but from what you wrote, it sounds like some kind of depression to me. Whether it's chronic, bipolar, or maybe just cyclothymia... who knows?

Harold Anderson3 said:Man, where on earth were you staying? That sounds heavy.

If everything you're saying is true, then those doctors aren't exactly hitting the mark either.

At least it seems like your treatment isn't overly aggressive, though.

Man, I feel terrible—just totally wiped out. Mostly because I don't even have schizophrenia. I'm pretty sure it's bipolar. They just keep hammering me with all these antipsychotics. And my mom? She’s convinced I’m possessed. She claims I see demons in people, but I was just saying they *act* like demons and that they're basically scrambling my brain. They still have all that junk written down in my file about what I was doing during my manic and delusional episodes.

I'm certain it's bipolar, not schizophrenia. They used to give me half or even quarter doses, but once I was cleared for leave, they handed me full doses just because the doctor on duty was different. The one who usually handles my case wasn't there to stop it.

The dosages lately have been a mess—a quarter of Leponex in the morning, half of that Azaraleks stuff, and half a dose of Bosaurin. Then at night, it's half of Leponex and a whole Bosaurin.

They definitely lowered the doses at some point, I know they did, because I saw the techs breaking the pills into pieces this whole time.

And my family is being just as difficult. They're pushing back on everything. They won't let me see my own psychiatrist because the guy running my case is on vacation. The substitute doctor told them it isn't even that intense, but for me, it is—especially since I don't even have this condition. Honestly, with how much this has spiraled due to these pills and the messed-up treatments, I'm worried I'll end up with schizophrenia.

My sister is like, "Who cares if it's schizophrenia or bipolar?" 😵

But nobody wants to challenge the diagnosis from the chief and the psychologist. Everything was decided based on one test where they labeled me as "anti-social" or whatever. Just because I don't have money. She wrote down that I'm anti-social.

What does any of that even have to do with paranoia? Paranoia is when you think someone is stalking or hunting you—which I don't, except for the fact that the CIA and stuff probably monitor certain people or entire nations, obviously.

I can barely walk, I feel even weaker than before... it's rough. I can hardly even type this. It even lists difficulty writing as a side effect of Bosaurin.

I've had it with both the professionals and my own people. I honestly don't know what to do. 😢

Regarding my mood, I’ve tried explaining it to them—it’s all over the place. One minute I’m feeling down, the next I’m fine, then I’m just totally numb, you know? But this stuff they're giving me now is causing a total short circuit in my brain. I’ve even started hearing voices—which is wild because I’ve never dealt with auditory hallucinations or anything like that before. It actually happened today.

And honestly, the Risperidone and Prozac? They've just caused more mental static, bringing up all these dark, intrusive thoughts.

I had someone who was staying in the hospital with me tell me straight up that the doctors don't have a clue what's going on.

To top it off, I got discharged by some other doctor instead of my own.

Harold Anderson3 said:So, how much Saphris are you currently on? Personally, I take 50 mg before bed. It really is one of the most effective antipsychotics out there, though I have to admit the side effects can be a bit of a struggle sometimes. I also use a 400 mg injection of Abilify every four weeks to help manage things.

Here’s my current cocktail.

In the morning, I take 25 mg of Seroquel, 15 mg of Abilify—I think that's how they spell it—and 5 mg of Buspar.

Then at night, it's another 25 mg of Seroquel and 10 mg of Buspar.

Honestly, I feel pretty lousy. Just sluggish, a bit wobbly every now and then, and generally just... slow. Everything feels slowed down.

I even brought up the possibility of Bipolar to my doctor, but they were dead set on Paranoid Schizophrenia. Which is weird, because I don't have hallucinations, and I'm definitely not thinking people are following me or plotting against me or anything like that.