Hey everyone. Just got discharged today after being stuck in the hospital for 27 days. I basically had to report myself—called the cops first, then we canceled the whole thing once I could just drive myself over. They’ve officially slapped me with an F20.0 diagnosis. To be clear, I don't have hallucinations—never have, never will. They’ve got me on Loxapine, something called Alisera—I think? Or maybe Bosaurin. Honestly, I feel like garbage. I’m just... weak all day, if that makes sense. I told the psychiatrist I might actually be dealing with bipolar disorder, but he refuses to budge on the schizophrenia label because my boss filed a report claiming paranoia.
The thing is, my mom told the intake nurse at the ER that I was seeing demons from them, but I never said that. I meant they were *like* demons—you know, how things mess with your head. My mom realized she totally misspoke.
I'm just hoping things get better soon. Maybe they'll taper me off or at least drop the dosage. I got some "advice" though—apparently, it's better not to fight the diagnoses they throw at you, because if you just roll with whatever they label you, it makes it easier to qualify for certain disability benefits.
Spent three days stuck in the basement there, the rest of the time I was out in the common areas. They have phones and allow outings and stuff, but they started renovating the basement right after my third day, so they kept locking the doors and wouldn't let everyone out.
I don't even know what to say. I'm just feeling sluggish all day and feeling pretty lousy.
It's just a revolving door of diagnoses with them. One minute it's transient psychosis, then suicidal ideation, now it's schizophrenia—all while I'm sitting here thinking it's bipolar.
And they still hit me with a full dose. Even though everything was supposed to be scaled back to a quarter—we're talking doses dropped from 5, 15, down to 25 mg.
Not every single one is fatal, and it’s certainly not something you can just cure—but honestly, I’m still sitting here wondering if we should even call it a disease. 🙂
If you listen to the stories, it’s supposed to feel like being a total wreck—you know, like a jittery addict or someone who’s been hitting the booze too hard. Constant nerves and all that mess.
Look, I don't have an answer for that specific question, C-girl—but I’ve definitely been dealing with some weird stuff. Even before I picked up my laptop or started getting online, my vision started acting up. I actually started seeing my own blood cells—yeah, you read that right—and over time, these floaters showed up too, and they just keep spreading.
I think I'm seeing white blood cells... if memory serves, it’s called an entoptic phenomenon, specifically blue field entoptic phenomenon? Whatever. There's other strange things happening too, though honestly, half of them I don't even bother trying to remember. I catch myself seeing patterns in all sorts of things—glitches, flaws, improvements in hardware and stuff like that. My memory is also slipping, which is funny because I never really had a great memory to begin with—not that I ever try to use it, anyway. I don't make an effort to remember things, and frankly, maybe it's better that way.
But yeah, I don't have what you're asking about. Best,
Rebecca Rivera3 said:Everything sounds good, Steve Jobs.... just keep writing whatever helps you stay on track and feel better. Unfortunately, things have been pretty rough for me lately. I've tried switching up several medications, but mostly without much success. If my condition doesn't improve over the next few days, I'll likely end up being hospitalized. It’s been tough...
Yeah, switching meds is a nightmare—I know exactly how you feel. The first time I went through it, I actually ended up in the psych ward because they messed with my treatment plan. Back then, they had me on Garamicin via IV and I felt so much better, but then my local clinic just cut it out. Later, when I was admitted to the psych unit because of the pain, they gave me Trazem, which made me dizzy as hell—I was stumbling around, and even doors and walls would seem to shift whenever I looked at them.
Luckily, they put me on some Ativan and Metoten, which seems a lot milder than Trazem.
I really hope you and your doctors can finally nail down a regimen that actually works for you. And hey, maybe I'll take your advice about the vitamins and give that a shot too.
I actually listened to you guys and started taking magnesium, a multivitamin, and Poly-B; once I grab some fish oil and Vitamin D, I think I might feel a bit more balanced.
At least now I can actually fall asleep, and sometimes even without the Ativan—though, full disclosure, I did bump up my own dose since I happen to have an extra box or two lying around. Not all at once, obviously, since I'm sleeping in two shifts now. I sleep for a while, wake up, then go back down for another stretch—that's why I upped the dose. I need to see my psychiatrist next month to ask for a double prescription so I can stay consistent.
Anyway, I'm rooting for you. Hope things turn around soon. 🎉
I’m not really one to complain about family—not my style—but I figured I’d write this out. I had another episode, and yeah, I’m trying to pinpoint what triggered it. It’s basically just the usual domestic friction and arguments at home. I guess if there's a silver lining, it's that I managed to keep it together and didn't do anything truly stupid. Though, honestly, looking back, I came pretty close a few times. Just feeling stuck, I guess.
So, there it is. I know this isn't really the main topic here, but I just needed a place to vent since I don't exactly have anyone else to turn to right now.
I honestly don't know what my next move should be—it feels like I'm stuck in a loop where I can't win. If I actually try to shake things up, I'm terrified I'll just end up making such a massive, embarrassing mess of everything that everyone would turn their backs on us... and then we’d be left with absolutely nothing coming in.
Rebecca Rivera3 said:Visionary, how would you define bipolar disorder? I’m honestly not sure what the typical diagnosis or treatment looks like... Taking too much Xanax isn't going to solve anything. It's meant to be taken as needed. Obviously, overdoing it isn't healthy, but it's not the end of the world either. Look, I once overdosed on it and ended up in the ER. But that was a deliberate attempt with a massive dose. I don't think about doing that anymore. Now, I just take more or less depending on how I feel. If I take a bit extra, I usually just sleep longer and my blood pressure drops slightly... and that's about it.
Thanks for the reply. I actually tend to have low blood pressure anyway.
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On another note—I really messed up the other day. I've had bad days before, but this was a total disaster.
I got completely lost in the TV, basically slamming my head into it, and when my old man tried to calm me down, he grabbed me—and I thought he was trying to start a fight, so I started choking him. We had a scrap once a long time ago when he was drunk and causing trouble and wanted to hit my mom.
It all started with my folks lecturing me again. I’ve posted here before about how they constantly nag me, talk down to me, and even look down on me sometimes—plus they have their own issues with drinking and gambling.
It kicked off over some comments about going out. I barely go out at all; I haven't really lived that life in about ten years, except for the occasional thing with my own crew. I mentioned that maybe I should go out once in a while since my lifestyle has changed—I'm basically a farmer now, waking up early and sleeping early—and asked if they could give me $501.2 miles to go out occasionally. My mom started whining about how there's no money.
Yeah, I get that things are tight, but they've always got money for booze, gambling, cigarettes, and whatever else, yet I can't even get $501.2 miles to go out on my own once in a while. That really stung, and that's where the argument started and the whole mess began.
So, we started fighting—me against them, them against me. They jumped on me with the yelling, I fought back, and then I just started cursing everything—them, God, pretty much everyone—for days. I went without food for days, eating maybe one or two meals in almost a week, and then I finally snapped, which culminated in me choking my old man. The police could have stepped in if someone had called.
We’ve made up now and things are okay, but physically, I'm a wreck. My stomach has been hurting for days, and my kidneys were acting up too. I wanted to check myself into a psych ward, but my family shut me down; they're embarrassed and think it would hurt me—that they'd tie me down or something and make things worse.
They say they won't do it again, and maybe they won't, but I doubt it—I know how they are. And I just don't feel right physically. I've even written before about my vision being off. Besides the stomach issues from starving myself, something else has been bothering me for about two weeks. It feels like this weird pressure in my chest.
It sucks. Just when I felt like I was getting my act together, this hits me. 😢
I totally forgot to mention one thing. They aren't handing out Xanax like candy anymore—it’s getting way harder to score. I don't know what changed. It’s impossible to get a double dose now, even though back when I was seeing my doctor a couple of months ago, they used to just give it to me. So, I’ve still got an extra box left over, which I’ve been doubling up on myself just to actually get some sleep.
That’s why I’m thinking about asking for the 5 mg pills—I could just split them in half twice a day—or maybe see if they'll let me mix the 5 mg and the 2 mg doses. I could take half of both, or maybe they'll just cut the Melatonin out entirely... because, like I said, I don't deal with hallucinations, nor have I ever.
So, what am I looking at instead of the Melatonin if I'm trying to manage this mania? I'm pretty sure it's Bipolar mania.
The only thing is my health—it’s slipping, and honestly, it’s starting to worry me. Between this mystery illness I can't even name and all these other nagging issues... well, at least my days and nights aren't completely flipped anymore. Now, it's more like my night has become my day.
I have managed to turn a few things around in my life, though. I finally proved those stubborn people in my family wrong about the internet—turns out you actually *can* learn stuff online. Now I just catch up on everything via my phone, scrolling through series and whatnot, even if finding the good stuff online is getting harder lately.
I'm saving about $3-3.1 miles a month, but I've upgraded my data plan several times—went from 8 gigs to 35. Still haven't picked up the gear I need for work, specifically for the innovations I'm working on. You can't find a decent, cheap digital recorder anywhere. Everything is either high-end professional stuff around 62 miles or way too expensive, but I just need a basic one. To be fair, I haven't even really gone looking for where to buy all this equipment yet.
Man, I wish someone would just fix up my computer for me. Just get it running right and install whatever I need for drawing and writing, because Wordpad on Windows is giving me a hard time.
I'm in a slightly better mood now, even if my family and I still bicker a little bit. Most of our arguments still boil down to the same old stuff: money and everyone's health problems.
Maybe things will look up next year, though. My old man is waiting on his pension from Canada, but they're dragging their feet even though he's disabled. They claim they don't offer disability pensions, and they actually rejected him before, saying he was Category II when he's clearly Category I.
I'm going to have a talk with my psychiatrist. I want to see if he'll put me on 5 mg of Apaurin, since I'm currently taking double the dose just to sleep, and maybe try Metoten as two half-tablets instead. I'll see if he can refer me for psychological testing or something, just so I can figure out what's actually going on with me. It’s possible I might have developed schizophrenia; I took an online test that suggested it, and occasionally, when I'm drifting off to sleep, I hear voices—like people swearing or calling my name. It only happens when I'm sleeping, though. When I'm awake, I get these intrusive thoughts that feel almost like I can hear them, like it's my own voice.
I'm trying to see if I can actually secure some rights, like getting social services. But it’s going to be an uphill battle because, let's face it, this is Canada.
I finally managed to flip my sleep schedule around. I’ve been pushing everything later and later—eventually hitting a point where I was crashing around 2, 3, 4, or even 5 in the afternoon, only to wake up at 2, 3, 4, or 5 in the morning. I actually pulled it off because someone gave me some advice: instead of trying to force myself to go to bed earlier, I just kept pushing my bedtime later and later until the cycle eventually reset.
Now, I usually just roll out of bed around 8 PM to grab some food, stay awake for a few hours, and then head back to sleep until the morning.
Honestly, I feel a bit more productive now because of it—plus, it means my roommates and I aren't constantly tripping over each other.
Hormones can really mess with your head. I’ve seen it happen—someone close to me went through it, dealing with thyroid issues or some other kind of glandular imbalance. Honestly, it’s even possible I’m dealing with my own version of that, given I might be intersex, which is something I think I mentioned in an older post somewhere on here.
Jose Ward4 said:Look, here is what you should probably do. Since you aren't popping those heavy-duty pills—you know, the "bombs" some of us over here rely on—your path is actually simpler. You just need to force yourself to stay awake through the entire morning and afternoon. Then, let yourself get absolutely wiped out by evening. If you do that, you’ll sleep like a baby. It might not happen on the first night since shifting your internal clock takes a toll, especially after dealing with this for so long, but give it three or four days. I bet your body will just reset itself. The brain is incredibly flexible—kind of like chewing gum, really—and it adapts to new situations fast. It's plastic. It's constantly adjusting itself to fit the environment.
I actually tried something similar recently. Someone suggested I hit the sack at 8 PM and sleep until 8 AM, but since I can't flip my schedule that quickly right now, I've been crashing around 8, 9, or 10 in the morning and then sleeping straight through until 6 or 7 in the evening. It’s peaceful. My family isn't bothering me nearly as much. Plus, I'm seeing more daylight during the day and stuff. If I could just find a job—maybe some kind of night shift position—that would be perfect.
If this person hadn't mentioned it, I probably wouldn't have even thought about trying this. Actually, I feel like I'm a bit more active now... or maybe it's just my imagination.
Jose Ward4 said:It sounds like you've completely flipped your world upside down.
I know, man. Honestly... it’s a mix of my own screw-ups, stuff out of my control, maybe some health issues—who knows at this point. I've tried to fix the rhythm, but it just won't stick. I’m actually considering just staying up until noon every day and then crashing all afternoon through the night, so at least I'd be functional during those weird early morning hours. Right now? I'm basically a nocturnal creature. I barely see the sun.
Just constant, unrelenting financial strain. It’s been weighing me down my entire life, but this last decade—ever since that big recession hit—has been a different kind of beast. Things have just spiraled downward from there, getting progressively worse by the day. And honestly? It bleeds into everything else—my health, my relationship with my family... though, if I'm being real, the friction at home is killing me too. We’re constantly at each other's throats. We had another blowout today. I’m just not doing well, physically or mentally. I spend most of my time sleeping. I'll sleep half the day away, and then there are those nights where sleep is a total stranger—I'll just lie there wide awake until dawn, finally dragging myself out of bed when the sky starts getting grey.
Angela Kim said:It’s probably for the best that you took a sedative. Before I started my current regimen, I used to have constant ideas; about 5% of them actually turned into legitimate innovations or patents, while the rest was pure junk. Now, the ideas have dried up, but overall I’m better off because the psychotic symptoms—which used to hitch a ride on those ideas—are gone. Before, I would wander too far out there, which led to total chaos and eventual hospitalizations. Even if my brain feels slowed down now, it allows me to focus on actual responsibilities. I'm not sure if you're strictly on Ativan or if you're taking other meds as prescribed. The issue is that all antipsychotics cut both the good and the bad neural connections equally. You're left with the dilemma of being a creative lunatic without meds or a vegetable with them. That's my reality. I realized long ago that compromise is the only way, so I stick to my primary prescription without anything else that totally disables me. I deal with the side effects and function despite the limited clarity. I might function like an idiot, but at least I avoid hospitalization, and that is my priority.
They prescribed me Xanax for sleep, though I can sleep with it or without it. I know how to sleep with it, and I know how to sleep without it, just like I know how to stay awake regardless.
They put me on Haldol for auditory hallucinations—except I didn't even have them; the hospital just wrote it down because I was giving them a hard time and getting into arguments, and since my old lady didn't really believe me back then due to some trauma she went through, which still affects her today, they just labeled me.
Anyway, I’ve got an extra box or two lying around, so if my anxiety starts making me forget things or mess with my ideas, I'll just take a Xanax on my own initiative.
I actually used to take it alongside the Haldol when my folks would get on my case, even though they aren't supposed to be mixed. It was awful—between the nagging and the fights, mixing the two made everything worse. I’d end up having even bigger nervous breakdowns because of the constant friction and the combination of drugs. I had meltdowns even without mixing the Haldol and Xanax, so I honestly don't know if the combo was triggering the breakdowns or if it was just the fighting and the stress.
My memory isn't great regardless, and I don't have any proper gear to easily jot down my ideas. Working on these concepts is more of a hobby for me; it might even be what keeps me sane. Since I’m unemployed and dealing with both physical and mental health issues, if I didn't have this outlet, who knows where I'd be by now. Maybe in a dark place—I mean, I have suicidal thoughts, but I’m passive about them.
Most of the time, I don't even finish these projects; I just scribble things down. Whatever, it takes up a lot of mental energy, and I need to relax too. Though, lately, I find myself relaxing more and working on them less, ever since I got a computer and a phone.
Back before I had those, when I was writing everything down in notebooks, I worked on them way more.
P.S. I don't have "innovations" or "patents." Just ideas—though maybe they count as innovations, since that's basically the same thing to me—but they aren't official patents. They're just written out with a few rough sketches. I'm not much of an artist, and I agree with everything you said.
Maybe it would be best if they just prescribed me Xanax and nothing else. Just something to keep me calm. But whatever, nobody listens to me or asks how I am anyway, and I don't exactly have anyone here to turn to.