Honestly, today—well, I guess it started being a disaster last night. I finally drifted off right around 6 AM when the bells at the local cathedral started ringing. As soon as I hit the pillow, my brain started spiraling about all the stuff I need—like how I don't even own a digital recorder or any decent gear to capture my dreams or those random thoughts that hit me when I wake up. I’m convinced it was some massive idea. I spent the entire time sleeping just trying to backtrack through my head to remember what I was forgetting. I slept for 13 hours straight, and yet, when I finally rolled out of bed, I felt like absolute garbage. Just restless and totally out of sorts—especially until a little bit ago. So, yeah, I’m taking an Ativan on my own accord just to take the edge off and settle my nerves.
I don't know, man—I actually tried some placebo-effect nonsense myself. Things are feeling a little easier now, I guess. Look, I’m not exactly the superstitious type or anything, but I figured, why the hell not give it a shot?
I mean, at least it’s good for recreation. You know, keeping the heart healthy and all that sort of thing. 😁
Weight isn't really an issue for me. I'm sitting around 155 pounds or so, and I'm nearly 6'6". Honestly, I don't even know my exact weight anymore. Last time I stepped on the scale I was about 170, but I might have dropped a bit—mostly because I tend to skip meals when I'm sleeping through half the day. I usually just make up for it later with something else, which is nothing new, but sometimes—especially when I'm getting into it with my family—I just won't eat at all. 😢
I think I was in some kind of manic state—some kind of delusion, I guess. I stepped out right in front of a car; they slammed on the brakes and missed me. Then, I turned around and just... stepped out again, and this time they hit me. Honestly, I didn't even see it coming, didn't feel a thing—nothing. It was just the paramedics picking me up later and rushing me to the hospital. This wasn't even the first time, either. The first time, I was causing all this unexplainable chaos in the ER.
Those idiots that Rebecca Rivera3 is talking about. Does that include things like head twitching or hitting yourself in the head with your hand?
Rebecca Rivera3 said:Steve Jobs, were you hospitalized over the holidays? Taking Apaurin for 20 days isn't exactly a crisis... unfortunately, I've been taking my Xanax daily for years now. I'm glad they finally found a medication that works for you. It might make you feel pretty drowsy, though. My own treatment makes me incredibly sleepy; I end up napping almost every single afternoon, which I'd love to avoid, but it is what it is. As long as I'm relatively functional despite the insomnia, that's what matters. Most importantly, I feel much better since starting this new regimen—emotionally stable and mentally clearer. The only downside is that I've put on some weight, so I'll be starting a diet soon.
Jose Ward4 was around, but honestly, I felt like absolute crap too. It came pretty close to me trying to end it all for the New Year.
I don't know if the med fits me, though—I don't have hallucinations and never have, but it doesn't matter because nobody believes me except my family. They wrote it down that they're discharging me and my folks because I caused a scene at the hospital and they wouldn't believe me—long story. They're treating me with the wrong therapy because they think I have bipolar disorder. Meanwhile, the meds work fine for Jose Ward4.
It's good that it's working for you and you're feeling better. As for the weight gain, I haven't a clue what you should try.
As for me, I eat less—volume-wise, anyway. I skip a meal here and there, cut back on bread, and just grab some fruit when I'm hungry. Usually a banana. But I'm thin—always have been, actually, I'm probably a pound underweight. I could probably use another quarter pound to be at a "normal" weight for my height, and I'm not sure how much that's actually good for my health, because as you can see, things are just getting worse even though I've never really been well. That's just how I handle it.
My health issues probably spiraled when I took some supplement meant for gaining weight. I bulked up fast from it, but then everything tanked, and maybe that's why my physical health deteriorated even further. Then again, other health problems started creeping in too, but I didn't seek treatment for various reasons.
I hope you feel better, Rebecca Rivera3. That's what matters most.
Jose Ward4 said:Well, if you're busy washing dishes, you've got it easy! As for me, I've been taking Vaira for three months straight since I was discharged from the hospital, and honestly, it’s helping. I get hit with this wave of sleepiness in the middle of the day sometimes, though it isn't a daily thing. I can't tell if it's the medication or if it's just the weather acting up. Still, the medicine suits me; it has this calming effect. The tricky part is the risk of developing diabetes within a year, so I'll eventually have to switch things up. Back when I was in the hospital, I was on Apurin for about 20 days.
I haven't been around here for a bit—my PC has been acting up, so I missed all the notifications.
Not much going on with me, Jose Ward4. Honestly? Nothing. I’m just coasting, and I know it—people call me a leech, and yeah, maybe they're right. Most of my days are spent sleeping for like 12 hours at a stretch, and the rest of the time I’m just glued to the computer or the TV because it keeps my mind quiet. Keeps the thoughts from swarming so much. It’s just a shame half my gear doesn't work right and I don't really have the setup to do anything more productive, so I spend most of my time just idling away on the internet.
In reality, I’m basically doing nothing. A little bit of this, a little bit of that, but it adds up to zero.
Hopefully things get better for us—or at least don't get any worse. A guy can dream.
Feeling a bit more human today. Apurin actually seems to be doing its thing—definitely lifting my mood, at least for me. Though, I’ll admit, one particular thread over on the Canadian Forum got me a little worked up, so now I'd better go deal with the lawyers before things get messy. 🙂
I honestly don't know what they're thinking. It’s always "don't do this because it's too cold" or "don't do that because it's too hot." Meanwhile, my whole world is just falling apart. I actually got kicked out of the house twice recently—it's been a mess. It came so close to me either ending it all or just never coming back... though, if I'm being honest, I'm not even sure which one would have happened first. It felt like some higher power forced me back home, only for them to kick me right back out from the hospital security desk, even after I told them straight up that I wanted to check into psych.
Uthakan has me trapped in a loop, and frankly, I've got them right where I want them.
Rebecca Rivera3 said:I’m doing my best to stay well and make sure no one looks at me like I’m some kind of invalid. I just want everyone around me to feel as comfortable as possible... sometimes more so, sometimes less... but I'm trying. During these holidays, I've mostly just been sleeping... my therapy makes me incredibly drowsy. I was prescribed stronger doses due to psychosis, so I sleep a lot, but mentally, I feel much better.
Same here—I've been sleeping way more than usual these last two days. And usually, I’m already sleeping half the day. I'm completely wiped out, and honestly, a little while ago, I was almost at the point where I just wanted to get dressed, walk out the door, and throw myself off a bridge into a river or out into traffic. Between the constant fighting with my family and these flashbacks from my screaming fits, it's been rough.
I didn't actually make it to the psychiatrist. My folks just went to pick up my prescriptions. Even though I really wanted to go—I even got up to leave—they kept telling me, "Don't bother going right now in the middle of winter to fight for rights or deal with labs and tests; wait until you can start psychotherapy and then see what the doctor says about everything."
And then once it gets warm enough, they'll probably tell me, "Don't go now, it's too hot out." 😵
I’m honestly not sure if these side effects are actually from the meds or what. I definitely notice that when I take them together—especially when my anxiety is spiking or I'm feeling totally wound up—it hits me hard. It makes me feel depressed, suicidal... heck, sometimes I even get flashes of anger. The label says you shouldn't mix them, but I end up taking them at the same time just to try and settle down or kill the anxiety, and it does work after a few hours. The problem is, I can't really take them separately because they make me sleep through half the day, so there isn't much of a difference in how I feel either way. But yeah, I've been taking them together on my own whim sometimes.
My doctor has me on Metatron in the morning and Apurin at night, which is how I usually do it, but like I said, sometimes I just combine them to deal with the anxiety and all the stress. In fact, I occasionally double up on the Apurin since I've ended up with extra boxes from my pharmacy a couple of times and they're just sitting there.
As for any other side effects, I haven't really noticed, and I don't even know if this stuff counts as a side effect.
Honestly, I need to go back to the CDC and talk to my psychiatrist. I might just head over there tomorrow without an appointment since I was feeling pretty terrible today. I need to figure out what's going on and what to do. If I need something else added to the mix or a different prescription entirely, I need to find out—maybe even get referred to a medical board or something. Because seriously, I am not doing well, mentally or physically, and everything just seems to be getting worse.
I look, I don't want people thinking I'm just some endless fountain of misery. It’s not quite like that—my entire existence doesn't just revolve around complaining, believe me. I actually have plenty of other things going on, like tinkering with my own ideas to fix stuff or build something new, not to mention just having some actual fun every now and then.
Sure, I know I can come across as a total Debbie Downer sometimes, but it's really not that extreme.
Harold Anderson3 said:I’m sorry if I came off a little harsh in my last post; that wasn't my intention at all. I truly hope you're doing alright on the basics, like having enough food and staying warm. To be honest, I'm not quite sure if I should suggest moving somewhere else, because trying to find your footing in a completely different country can be such an uphill battle, especially if you're already struggling with your mental health. I don't really have a clear picture of what your day-to-day life looks like or how you're actually holding up mentally, other than knowing things have been tough for you and hearing you express that struggle.
Don't sweat it. I'm not the type to hold a grudge—if I get annoyed, I vent and then move on before I even remember what the fight was about.
I've got the essentials, so thank God for that. I have a roof over my head—it's nothing fancy, but it's there—food every day, and heat, though my family is actually drowning in debt because of the utility bills, and our income just keeps shrinking. I realize I actually have plenty compared to people around the world who have absolutely nothing and are starving or dying from things I can't even imagine. I know I'm not even that sick compared to some people out there who are fighting terminal illnesses while I'm just over here hanging in there with my own set of issues.
As for changing my environment? That's probably not happening. I'm pretty bad at navigating life on my own, and I don't exactly have the resources or the means to just pack up and leave.
I wouldn't say I'm super prone to mental health struggles, though I do feel like my headspace is getting a bit darker lately.
Life is a struggle, sure, but I know there are people out there facing much harder hands than mine. And yeah, maybe I have started complaining a bit too much. Whatever—sometimes you just need to blow off steam, and the internet is basically the only place I can do that.
I mentioned this a long time ago, but things used to be better—like back before the recession and all that. Now, everything is just sliding downhill, and it isn't just me; it's everyone in the US and across the whole country.
Harold Anderson3 said:Steve Jobs, I don't think complaining really helps much if you aren't actually doing anything about it, or if you've just decided to let your surroundings fall apart. My family has been struggling financially for decades, and I made a conscious choice to break that cycle, even though I'm dealing with schizophrenia and a handful of other struggles myself. That’s why I push myself so hard and stay so focused on my studies at college. To be fair, I usually have people around me who offer support—it isn't always constant, but if one person lets me down, there's almost always someone else ready to step up. Still, at the end of the day, I know the weight falls on my shoulders; most of this is really up to me.
Man, I wish I could actually try to pull myself out of this, but I realize I might be whining too much—though, honestly, life just keeps piling it on. There’s no cushion here to soften the blow when things go south. You can't find decent work in these circumstances, and those specialized jobs for people with disabilities? Forget it. Even government-funded retraining programs—the kind they actually have in Germany—are non-existent for me. I don't have the cash to just go pay for a career pivot.
It would be a hell of a lot easier if I could get some help, whether it's social services or disability benefits, but unfortunately, that’s not an option here either. It's all just endless bureaucratic stalling; you can spend years waiting just for a claim to be processed.
The whole system seems to be slowly falling apart because I'm definitely not the only one drowning. Even people with steady jobs and a regular paycheck are finding themselves in a tighter and tighter spot.
I'm basically trapped in this cycle, and I don't even know how to break free—or if I can't escape entirely, how to at least dampen the impact so I don't sink any deeper.
Rebecca Rivera3 said:Steve Jobs... I didn't realize back then, but now I get it. Ty and your vision have always been a bit of a struggle, haven't they, if I remember correctly?
Yeah, well, I've got plenty of other health issues to deal with too. Most of them just pop up out of nowhere. I guess that's just my luck. 😢
Rebecca Rivera3 said:The psychologist I saw confirmed my diagnosis after several tests and therapy sessions. To be honest, though... I’ve always been skeptical of psychology. In my view, it isn't a true science, and I don't think it should even be classified as one. It's certainly significant and necessary, but since it lacks exactitude, I wouldn't call it a hard science. However, two different psychiatrists have given me this same diagnosis, and psychiatry is firmly established as a branch of medicine. This condition leaves its mark on you, and then you begin a lifelong treatment process. You cycle through stages of acceptance, denial, and everything in between. On top of that, dealing with psychosis means navigating periods of remission where you convince yourself it was all just a bad dream—right before it hits you again. Sometimes it's triggered by intense stress, and other times, it just happens out of nowhere.
Oh, believe me, I've been marked. But since it's already done—and since I'm struggling both physically and mentally—I just want to actually achieve something. I want to be able to receive help, but right now I have nothing, which only makes me lose my mind more because I can't even treat myself to the small, basic things.
I’m right there with you—I go through those exact same phases. I just call it a roller coaster, or maybe an amplitude wave, honestly. It’s just up, down, up, down... constant movement. But look, I’m not saying I’ve had full-blown hallucinations, though it’s possible I’ve got some kind of schizophrenia since I know there's that non-specific version out there. The problem is, nobody actually wants to do anything about it. I don't know—my family won't step up, my psychiatrist wasn't exactly eager to dive deep either, etc. I took one of those tests once, but I just couldn't bring myself to answer half the questions. The psychologist basically told me they couldn't conclude anything from the results. I just didn't want to give answers to those incredibly stupid questions where there was no real way to respond—you know, when "not sure" or "I don't know" isn't even an option. It was just pointless.
Look, let’s get one thing straight—I haven't actually had any hallucinations. To be fair, I was pretty much losing my mind back then, but whether that qualifies as "hallucinating" is up for debate. I didn't see things then, and I don't see them now. What happened the second time around? That was likely a delusion. The first time, I just snapped under the sheer weight of everything going wrong. The second time, yeah, I went down a religious rabbit hole. And honestly, I think the medication I've been on for the last four or five years might be doing more harm than good—maybe it's a side effect of the methadone, or maybe it’s just because I spend way too much time glued to my laptop. I can't tell. If anything, I feel like my mental state is slipping because of this treatment, or maybe it's just the constant pressure from life hitting me all at once. Lately, I've been getting these intrusive, nasty thoughts, and when they hit, I find myself shaking my head just to try and shake them off.
The absolute worst part about this whole mess is that you're basically left with zero rights when it comes to getting actual help. It’s nearly impossible to find a job even if you're mostly sane. For someone like me, dealing with both physical and mental struggles? Forget about it. You're stuck in this impossible middle ground where you aren't "crazy" enough to qualify for certain support, but you're definitely not healthy enough to hold down a job. You're just stuck in limbo.
I was sitting there talking to my psychiatrists, trying to hammer home the fact that I’ve never once had hallucinations—not even a single one. Like, at all. But honestly? It was like trying to explain color to someone who’s blind. They just couldn't wrap their heads around the idea that I’ve never experienced them.
Well, that’s just standard for where you’re at—it’s the same for me, and honestly, pretty much anyone else, not just people dealing with mental health stuff.
My situation is a total freak show, though—a weird one. I dealt with what felt like delusions or maybe delirium... twice. I think it was delusions, since I never had hallucinations. I was put on Metoten and Apaurin, and lived like that for 4 or 5 years—not because I have full-blown schizophrenia, but more like living in a long-term remission from psychosis. Looking back, I might have triggered that psychosis—that delusion thing—because of physical illness and depression; I was basically starving myself back then. I don't get hallucinations, nor have I ever. The worst part is, I’m starting to suspect Metoten is causing side effects—specifically, my vision is slowly fading. I wasn't anywhere near having vision issues until I started taking Metoten. Another side effect could be the depression, which hits me occasionally when I get worked up over family drama. Though, maybe that isn't even a side effect, maybe I'm just a naturally depressed person. But the vision thing? I’m seriously starting to doubt Metoten.
I’ll admit, I’m not doing great—physically and mentally, both are rough. Maybe there's some schizophrenia lurking in there somewhere, who knows, but I definitely don't have hallucinations, and I never have.
Apaurin actually works better for me. I take it to sleep, but since I’ve ended up with extra boxes lying around a few times, I’ll occasionally take some during the day just to chill out. And you know what? It actually works—it settles me down when I'm feeling restless and can even lift my mood a bit.
Back when I was taking Apaurin and Metoten together without a prescription—basically just messing around and making myself go even crazier—and then they swapped the Metoten for Risperidone... man, it was a close call. I almost lost it completely, maybe even went as far as trying to end it all.
I haven't seen a psychiatrist in over six months, so I don't really have anyone to talk to about this—there hasn't been much of a dialogue with them anyway. I've tried talking to my family a couple of times, but they don't really care. They're older, not exactly highly educated, and maybe they just aren't interested—or maybe it's mostly just shame. So, they just sweep all my problems under the rug to keep things "polite."