The North America. Honestly, it’s the exact same story over here in the States—only here, actually pulling a string or making something happen feels like mission impossible. Especially if you don't have the right connections.
Honestly, life sucks. I feel it too. I’m not exactly built for manual labor anyway—got some physical issues going on—but if you ask me, it’s mostly just health problems... though I couldn't tell you exactly what they are, and maybe some mental stuff too, all while making zero dollars. That’s basically what crushed me this decade and then some. Intelligence is a different story, though. On this general scale, I’d say I’m sitting at maybe a 100. Though, in my opinion, those tests really just measure how educated someone is. Higher education equals higher intelligence. At least, that's how I see it.
Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not lazy by nature, but my health issues are a real drag. Most of the time I’m just sleeping—like, a lot—and even then, I’m perpetually exhausted and drowsy. I spend most of my time lost in my own head, just daydreaming. Either I'm drifting off or I'm gaming. So yeah, that’s why work isn't happening, or rather, why "not working" is happening. But because I spend so much time daydreaming, I end up with a ton of ideas—some decent, some totally wild—but I have absolutely no way to actually make them happen, which isn't even crazy when you think about it.
For instance, I've got this idea for how to harvest electricity from lightning strikes without blowing out the entire power grid.
Back then, I thought Jay-Z was some kind of alien. I have no idea where that came from—I just went full-on religious for a minute there. I even convinced myself I was actually from the future. It didn’t stick, though; those weren't long-term convictions, just weird, passing flashes. What *did* stick was this idea that I was a child of God—purely metaphorically, mind you, since we’re all technically that—but honestly, believing that, along with the whole "time traveler" thing, nearly cost me my life.
Man, the morphine really had me spinning through all sorts of delusions back then.
So, I brought up Nirvana again—for the second time now. My brain was just firing in every direction at once back then. Honestly? I actually started convinced myself I was some kind of alien trapped in a human body. Or even a Yeti. Just completely lost it. But looking back, that was mostly just the illness talking, combined with way too much caffeine hitting my system at once.
I don’t know, man. My psychiatrist basically laid it out for me last time—hospitalization is the absolute last resort. He told me, look, if you show up at the ER in crisis three or four times, fine. But the fifth time? That’s when we’re looking at an inpatient stay, whether you like it or not.
And honestly, the actual staying there isn't even the hardest part. It’s just... weird. It trips me out how they lock you down in a closed ward the second you check yourself in voluntarily. It makes no sense to me, especially since I’ve seen people check themselves in just like I did and they get placed in the open unit right away.
In Italy, it's different. You check yourself in voluntarily, they put you in an open ward, and once the crisis passes, you're out. I remember watching a documentary about it on the BBC a while back.
So, my old lady was at the social services office today talking about me—well, more like talking *around* me. She was actually there about some other business entirely. They told her I could basically move into a shelter if I wanted to. Honestly? I might take them up on it, since my life is currently a total dumpster fire. Between the health issues and everything else piling up, it’s a mess. My mom didn't want to start the paperwork for my benefits yet, though, because we've got this massive situation going on right now and she wouldn't have anyone to help me chase down all the red tape—she isn't doing too great herself lately.
I mean, just looking at the big picture—in what areas of life are we actually getting shortchanged because of mental health struggles?
Well, probably everywhere, right? People basically look at us through this lens of "positive discrimination." 🤣
Not sure where this Rolf guy came from—he should've been that other devilish type. Honestly, even that sad one would have fit better. Just my two cents.
Like I said before, this goes across every single sector. There’s been a push to sterilize us for ages, and let's face it—most of us dealing with mental health issues aren't even having kids anyway.
Angela Stewart6 said:Visionary, how have you been? How's life treating you lately?
I'm doing alright, I guess. Life just keeps getting progressively worse—just one headache after another. How about you? Hope things are actually decent on your end. 🙂
Look, I’ve surrendered—but maybe not entirely. I’m still fighting, just... struggling, which is why I threw in the towel for a bit. I'm trying to get back in the ring now. I've started upping my coffee intake again to cut down on sleep, and I'm using saccharin to dodge the sugar since it messes with my floaters. Throwing some vitamins into the mix occasionally too, but the big one? I finally flipped my schedule around because my internal clock was completely trashed. Honestly, having a steady job or some extra cash coming in might be enough to keep me from giving up altogether. But yeah, I said I quit, though I guess "not quite" is more accurate.
I feel terrible about everyone else, though—I know I'm a massive burden. I already cost my own people plenty when I was stuck in the psychiatric ward at Mayo Clinic 186 miles, and maybe even more than that.
So, here’s how my psychotic breaks usually go down. The first time, I ended up in the hospital. Honestly, I just snapped—too much caffeine, constant pain, zero sleep, and whatever physical ailments I was dealing with at the time. I was singing, acting totally out of it, even getting into these intense arguments with people about my health—and the crazy part is, they actually agreed that everything I was feeling was plausible. I was basically pouring my heart out to them, venting so hard that they thought the best way to deal with me—and frankly, to get some peace themselves—was to wait for the auditory hallucinations to kick in and then ship me off to a psych ward.
The second time was pretty similar, just happened closer to home. I ended up darting out into the street right in front of oncoming traffic, which obviously resulted in getting hit by cars. During that episode, I went full-on religious—just completely obsessed with spiritual stuff.
In both cases, the root cause was the same: I stopped eating because of these massive blowups with my family.
Then there was the third time. Another blowout with the folks at home, so I called it in—basically telling the authorities I needed a break from them so we wouldn't keep fighting. I actually called the police on myself, but they ended up canceling the call since I’d already headed to the ER.
Angela Stewart6 said:Chloe Flores83, that sounds a bit like you’re trying to run an experiment on your own brain—which, honestly, can be a slippery slope! You really ought to stick to the established protocols here. I find myself circling back to my cancer analogy again—it’s just so fitting! It’s like someone deciding to skip a single round of chemotherapy because they think, "Hey, maybe I'll just feel better if I bypass this one dose." That’s just not how it works. As for sleep aids, I am right there with you. Most doctors will go to great lengths to avoid prescribing them whenever possible. I used to rely quite heavily on Sanvale myself, but my physicians were very firm about getting me off of them. To be fair, whenever I did take a Sanvale pill, I’d wake up the next day feeling... I don't know, just sluggish and totally wiped out? That sensation eventually fades with prolonged use, but it still feels like using them for too long isn't exactly the healthiest way to go about things.
Sorry I haven't replied to any messages—I've been MIA for a bit while digging through my computer archives. We're talking over 2 million documents here. 😵 I had to refresh the whole system because I thought the thing was dying on me. It's definitely on its last legs, but it's still kicking. 😁
The way things work here in Canada, though, doctors don't avoid them—they prescribe them constantly. I'm not even kidding, they hand them out like candy. Take Lexijum, for example; it's plant-based and available over the counter as far as I know, and people use it like crazy.
As for me, I've been prescribed Diazepam for six years now. Usually alternating between 2 and 5 mg. At one point it was 5, then down to 2, and now I'm back at 5, even though I actually sleep way too much—like 10 to 12 hours a day. And the funny thing is, I don't even have real issues with sleep, just the occasional bout of insomnia that doesn't happen very often.🍿
Angela Stewart6 said:Visionary, I completely hear where you’re coming from—I really do! Back when I was totally broke and couldn't afford a single thing, my doctor would just suggest, "Well, why don't you just go grab a coffee in the park or something?" It was one of those suggestions that didn't quite hit the mark, you know? Now, things are looking up a little bit—not exactly "rolling in it" status, mind you, but I'm definitely not struggling to afford a simple cup of coffee anymore. The funny thing is, even though I have more breathing room now, I don't actually feel like going out for coffee all that much. I have the desire, truly I do, but when it comes down to actually making it happen, I just... stall. It’s like socializing itself is physically draining. Even being on this forum, unfortunately, feels like a bit of an effort sometimes. I can't quite put my finger on why it is this way—it isn't laziness, believe me—but it’s as if the whole concept of interacting just exhausts me. I can fully empathize with what it's like to be struggling financially, and please, trust me, being poor is absolutely not a sin. I don't understand why some people make such a big deal out of it, though I do notice that people can find it exhausting when someone is going through a hard time—so, on one hand, I really don't want to feel like a burden to anyone in that sense. Honestly, maybe I'm better off this way, even if my doctor keeps nudging me to get out and socialize more. Personally? I don't see the problem at all. 🤷
Well, you probably just have other things going on that fill your time—besides this forum and hanging out with people. It's possible that's why socializing feels so draining, because from what I've gathered, we're all a little bit schizoid. You're just getting drained energetically, since the condition—at least based on my own realization—affects people in a way that makes them more tired, so they end up burning through their energy even faster.
Angela Stewart6 said:Visionary... things feel much clearer this way! But look, if two people are staying in touch through letters, isn't that still a form of socialization? I mean, can you really deny them the title of "friends" just because their connection happens on paper? 🤷 From my perspective, absolutely any kind of communication counts as socialization.
Well, true enough. I socialize in person too, it's just that I'm broke as hell and can't afford to actually go anywhere with anyone. I'm just flat-out broke, so I don't hang out, I barely go out—pretty much never.
If it weren't for the internet and these devices I was gifted, I’d be completely isolated.
Take this computer, for example—it's been slowly dying on me for years since I got it, and I don't have the cash to fix it. I could've lost everything; thank God I managed to recover my passwords. It still runs on American electricity, so I'm constantly worrying it's going to finally kick the bucket.
Talking to you guys is really what keeps me going. Honestly, I've spent the last two days in a total stress whirlwind because of all this.
And I'm still clueless when it comes to tech stuff. Total amateur.
That's why I need to try and land a real job. Anything. And I realized being here might help, because as someone living with a disability, there are actual programs where employers get tax incentives from the government to hire us. That's how I figured it out.
If anything happens to my mom, I'm screwed. I'll be left with nothing, just staring at the bottom of a trash can, like I've said before.
Nicole Barrett76 said:Wouldn't it be only fair if those doctors actually told you: "Look, these specific diagnoses are legitimate, while those others over there are strictly for the paperwork and the checks"?
Another danger of padding these diagnoses is that they might declare you a totally disabled invalid, and once that happens, how on earth are you supposed to find part-time work?
Social security crumbs, no matter how substantial they may seem to you right now, simply aren't enough. Social security plus a four-hour job and a paycheck would finally amount to some kind of decent living.
I look at my own situation. I receive $417 disability benefits. It isn't that I have a mental illness; rather, I can only see ten percent to the right and two percent to the left in my eye, plus I deal with other health issues. That money would be sufficient to support my parents and my extended family, so I wouldn't have to hand over most of it to my mom for groceries and utilities. And once you calculate the cost of supplements to stop vision loss—things containing lutein, astaxanthin, zeaxanthin, beta-carotene, zinc, EPA/DHA fats, and perhaps a few other nutrients beneficial for eyesight—there is no way they could cost less than $40. 62 miles.
And that is just for one single supplement! Where does the money come from for bone health or maintaining the endocrine system, since one cannot rely solely on synthetic hormones?
In this day and age, being sick or handicapped has become quite a luxury.
I know you're right, but I'm sitting here with nothing, and things are sliding downhill both physically and mentally. If I don't manage to secure some kind of income soon, I'm going to end up on the streets.
Nicole Barrett76 said:How, then, can we possibly expect a patient to find healing when they are forced to witness someone dying in the very next bed, rather than having those individuals moved to a dedicated hospice facility?
Well, look, maybe he wasn't dying—I don't recall perfectly—but the guy was elderly. Had the catheter and all that. You deal with all sorts of patients, all kinds of cases. Plus, you've got both closed and open wards, so you see a little bit of everything.