Posts by Harold Anderson3

Jose Ward4 said:Look, that wasn't even what I was getting at. You just don't get it. I wasn't talking about biology at all. Honestly, these heavy, deep conversations just stress me out. It feels like a bad joke. And I really don't need you lecturing me here. I've had enough "learning" for one lifetime. Especially from people who haven't actually lived through anything or don't have a clue where they're headed—and I'm not talking about you. I didn't come here to be schooled; I came here to talk to someone who actually gets it, someone facing the same struggles or dealing with the same issues. That's it. This whole thing is just depressing. Take care.

I was clearly just joking around, but you jumped right on me 🤔

Jose Ward4 said:Life is just such a strange thing, isn't it? It’s constantly shifting under your feet. You don't see someone for years—just total radio silence—and then suddenly you cross paths again, and you realize how much everything has morphed. Not just them, but you too. It’s wild. It feels like this endless cycle that just keeps looping back on itself. One group of friends moves on, a new crowd drifts in, and it just keeps rolling. I honestly think that constant turnover is what makes us who we are; it forces us to evolve so we can actually connect with new people. It all came flooding back to me just now when I thought of this one guy.

Life is really just a continuous process, moving through these inevitable cycles with their own beginnings and endings. That’s just basic biology for you. 🙂

Question: Do you think there will come a day when you’re finally, permanently in full remission?
Is that something you actually want? Is it something you find yourself hoping for?

Nicole Barrett76 said:Is it common knowledge in psychiatric wards for patients to openly compete for a doctor's affection? And to go as far as disputing the severity of one another's symptoms just to gain that attention?

Honestly, you see just about everything in psych wards. Everything. It’s like any other tight-knit community, except things tend to be dialed up to an extreme level.
I’ve personally witnessed how certain cliques start to form 🤦

For @Rebecca Rivera3.
If what you're experiencing really is the onset of schizophrenia, I can tell you from experience that this period is often much more overwhelming and uncertain than actually living with a diagnosis, provided you're getting the right treatment.
For me, those two years leading up to my diagnosis were significantly harder than the last eight years since being diagnosed. And I don't just mean that personally; I’ve talked to people on other US support forums who are terrified of the diagnosis, and you can really sense that they are struggling much more than those of us who have been managing it for a long time.
I know things feel heavy right now, but try to just take it one day at a time. Even if you need to go through a period of hospitalization, you'll find yourself feeling much better in a few years, whether you officially have a diagnosis or not. Hang in there.🙂

I figured I’d weigh in on the whole debate regarding how depression behaves within schizophrenia.
It tends to move in cycles, where you experience these alternating waves of low and high moods. Even after spending ten years navigating mental health diagnoses—eight of which have been specifically with schizophrenia—I still find that whenever the depression hits, it isn't just "feeling down." It’s total despair, pure misery, and genuine torment that often leaves me wishing I weren't here at all. But then, after a few days, everything settles back to normal and the cycle just starts all over again.
I’ve definitely dealt with my fair share of productive symptoms too; for instance, I remember posting on a forum once because I was genuinely convinced I was the mastermind behind bringing down George W. Bush back in 2009. That delusion landed me in a six-month hospital stay, which was one of the longest stretches that facility had ever seen.
Since then, I’ve only had a couple of milder psychotic episodes because I made sure never to stop taking my Risperdal. Looking back over these eight years, I’d say I spent about 10% of my time in psychosis, 40% in depression, and roughly 50% feeling relatively normal. So, if you ask me which one is actually worse and does more damage to your ability to function, is it the psychosis or the depression?

@Jason Kim6
You’re actually the second person on this forum lately who’s been diagnosed with schizophrenia without showing any of the typical symptoms. Honestly, when I first got my diagnosis, I felt a sense of relief because I finally understood what I was up against and which medications I needed to take. I don't really view schizophrenia as some massive tragedy; the only thing that truly weighs me down is the heavy depression that often comes along with it. For me, those negative symptoms are the real struggle.
But then again, schizophrenia is generally regarded as one of the most complex and challenging mental health disorders out there, so I don't quite get why people try to downplay the diagnosis whenever someone deals with intense psychological issues. At my local hospital, like Mass General, they don't jump straight to that diagnosis no matter how severe a psychotic episode might be—they usually start with an acute psychosis diagnosis instead. It's only if the psychosis recurs a second time that they typically settle on a schizophrenia diagnosis, and once it's there, it tends to stick.

darksurfer4 said:That's a very real possibility, but let's face it—it’s just not how people are wired. Human nature isn't built around chasing social justice; it's built around the relentless pursuit of amassing more wealth than the next guy...

If we were actually living under a fascist regime, we would have been wiped out in a heartbeat. Those old fairytales about communism never truly took root anyway, but under this brand of cutthroat capitalism we're dealing with now, we're just being phased out slowly. Unless you happen to be lucky enough to rely on some kind of family pension—ideally something like a veteran's benefit, which a colleague was mentioning a few posts up earlier—you're basically on your own.

Raymond Anderson4 said:Personally, I’ve always felt that multi-sport awards just don't make much sense.
It feels wrong trying to compare someone like Usain Bolt, who might run the 100m eight times in a season, to a pro tennis player picking up Grand Slams or masters titles.
If we want Bolt to carry that kind of weight, he’d need to be competing way more often. Just three wins in a season doesn't really cut it for an athlete of the year. Trying to lump him in the same category as elite tennis players who rack up fifty wins a year and play twenty matches lasting over three hours just seems a bit off to me.

The very nature of certain sports makes it impossible to compare them fairly, so judging athletes across different disciplines based on the same criteria just doesn't sit right with me.

I see this sports award much like the oscar for film—some people will swear by it, while others will argue it's totally arbitrary. It’s essentially the same debate we have with the oscar.
There is definitely a level of subjectivity involved since you can't accurately measure every single sport through a simple vote. That said, the jury members are actually quite respectable, consisting of former pros and genuine legends of the game. It also helps to consider that this past year was a bit weak, as there weren't many truly dominant athletes in any single discipline. For instance, back in 2009, Bolt took home about 90% of the total votes, whereas this year the margin was much tighter.

It’s actually quite fascinating to think about how the top athlete of the year (according to Track & Field News)
doesn't turn out to be Usain Bolt, but instead goes to the 400m world record holder, Wayde van Niekerk 🤣

Rebecca Rivera3 said:Eglony is an antipsychotic, but I only take it some days and skip it others... I honestly don't know if I'll even go back to my psychiatrist. They want to switch me to different antipsychotics and seem to think I've completely lost it😵. Do you think the meds actually help? How can we ever tell if it's just a placebo effect that we're enduring all those side effects for?

They definitely work, though. In my experience, the best sign that they're doing their job is when you don't actually feel anything at all. You only realize how much they were helping when you miss a dose or stop taking them entirely, and then the psychosis starts creeping back in.

Rebecca Rivera3 said:I read that... you suffer from severe depressive episodes and manic psychoses... which do you prefer? I assume you at least feel something during the manic phases? I understand that since these are routine jobs, it's manageable for now...
Jobs requiring higher responsibility are more stressful and would likely worsen my condition... I feel the same way about myself.
You mentioned people notice... is it difficult for you when you can see it in their faces that they're looking at you differently?
He wrote that the idea of a relationship between a healthy person and someone with mental illness is a myth... I agree with him, as only similar people can truly understand one another.

People look at me differently mostly because they can tell I'm struggling, so they usually just feel sorry for me. Or, honestly, they don't look at me any differently at all. 🤷 Like most people dealing with mental health issues, I'm not a danger to anyone else; I'm only ever a danger to myself. Of course, the manic phases are easier to live through—you actually feel alive, or at least you act like you are. It's just that if things spiral out of control, I end up back in the hospital. But... let's not talk about the illness anymore. 🙂
By the way, what medications are you on? As far as I know, Eglonil isn't an antipsychotic. If you have a schizophrenia diagnosis, you really should be taking at least one antipsychotic. I take two (Azolar and Zyprexa). Zyprexa absolutely wipes me out, though; it just makes me sleep constantly.

Rebecca Rivera3 said:How are you feeling? What kind of emotions are you running through right now? Why were you hospitalized for hallucinations and other symptoms? What was the hospitalization actually like—what happened that was severe enough to require being admitted?
E, my environment is an issue for me too. My life isn't exactly great, though I'm lucky enough not to have to work right now—though I don't know how I would manage, since any unfamiliar environment causes massive stress that makes my condition worse. How do you manage to hold down a job?
Most of all, I'm curious about how you handle emotional numbness. When that hits, how do you force yourself to do anything if you aren't really feeling much?

That's a lot of questions to tackle 😉

My moods tend to swing quite a bit. I've actually written quite a bit about this lately, so if you want more context, feel free to look back through my posts on the previous page. This most recent hospital stay was pretty brief, just about three weeks. Before that, I had been working for three months straight, waking up at 5:00 AM every single day, working until 2:00 PM, and then heading straight to my college lectures in the afternoon. It just completely drained me, and even though I was staying consistent with my medication, the psychosis came rushing back. It’s funny, in a dark sort of way—I managed to stick it out and finish my work term, but it was only once I stopped working that everything spiraled. I’m actually looking to start a job at a warehouse again soon. People can see that I’m struggling, but they also see that I’m genuinely trying, so most employers tend to leave me to it. I do lose jobs occasionally, but it's rare. They're usually just simple student jobs where speed matters more than high-level responsibility. Once I graduate from university, I'll have to move into roles that require more accountability, and to be honest, I'm not entirely sure how I'll navigate that.

Rebecca Rivera3 said:If I may ask Dr. Diego, what does your daily life actually look like? How do you spend your days? .....

Well... I'm currently a sophomore at MIT, working various student jobs just to keep my head above water. I'm 29, single, and haven't found a partner yet. I wouldn't say I've become one of those "classic" schizophrenics who has completely given up on functioning and lives solely off disability checks, but I definitely don't live a totally "normal" life either—not that anyone’s life is without its struggles. My mom also deals with schizophrenia; she's been retired for nearly 20 years now, having transitioned out of work when she was about 35.
So far, I've had six hospitalizations, five of which were at a facility in Los Angeles (the most recent was just two months ago). There was a woman who started this thread about ten years ago, if I recall correctly. Her condition progressed much faster because she frequently stopped her medication, though she actually has a much better living situation than I do—her environment isn't quite as rough as mine. What I mean is, my struggle isn't just my own diagnosis; I'm also managing my mother's health and caring for my grandmother, who is getting quite old... it's a lot to carry, but I'm hanging in there and trying not to let it break me.
E: You know, there are plenty of people with schizophrenia who have earned PhDs and even teach at major universities. One individual, who sadly passed away, even went on to win a Nobel Prize. 🙂

Rebecca Rivera3 said:Hm... I’ve been doing some thinking lately and realized I’ve actually been this way since I was about 19. That’s when it all started, though I was pretty good at masking it. Not even Mark Baker17 noticed, but my best friend saw right through me. Eventually, I drifted away from her. Over the years, I’ve distanced myself from everyone. I’ve had my ups and downs, but deep down, that feeling has always been chasing me... and tonight, it’s hitting hard.
I’m 27 now... which feels heavy. I find myself wondering if I’ll ever actually be okay, or even just "better." I tend to hide behind my projects, sometimes working on them with this manic intensity like they’re the only thing keeping me alive; otherwise, I’m just sleeping or staring into space, waiting for the time to pass. Honestly, things have taken a much darker turn over the last two years. I feel emotionally hollow. Even eating has become a mindless ritual—I go through the motions perfectly, just like everything else I do, but food has lost its flavor. There’s just no sensation left... it feels like my soul has completely vacated. The only exceptions are these brief episodes where my creativity and all this potential I don't even know I possess suddenly burst out of me, and I feel amazing for a moment.
I don't have a boyfriend, obviously. Someone in that position would need to be able to understand this, because on the outside, I look fine—pretty, normal, put-together—but inside, I'm empty... or maybe I'm just chasing something that isn't there.
So, I just got diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder... and I honestly can't wrap my head around it. I guess only time will tell.

Lately, I've been oscillating between "your" diagnosis and F20.0 (Paranoid Schizophrenia).
With simplex schizophrenia, it's primarily the negative symptoms—things like depression and social withdrawal—that are present, while the productive symptoms are often managed by medication.
Subjectively speaking, simplex can be harder to live with day-to-day, yet a person might still manage to function reasonably well in their career and personal life. On the other hand, during an acute phase of paranoid schizophrenia, hospitalization becomes necessary.
Getting the diagnosis itself doesn't change who you are, even if the doctor hit the nail on the head. If it's accurate, having a label actually makes treatment and daily functioning easier to manage, even if the diagnosis happens to be schizophrenia.

Rebecca Rivera3 said:Okay, here is the situation... I've been battling some pretty nasty depression for years. There were phases where things felt better, and other times when I completely bottomed out. I've tried various antidepressants to no avail; they didn't help at all, and all they did was cause intense side effects like vomiting, nausea, and dizziness.

I've also had these inexplicable episodes—I'm not even sure what to call them—where I probably should have been admitted to a hospital, though I managed to avoid that. My mother is very supportive, and I have Klonopin on hand to knock me out if an episode hits, which usually leads to sleeping for long stretches. After those episodes, I'm so exhausted that I end up sleeping for weeks.

After years of unsuccessful treatment with a private psychiatrist, she decided to prescribe Eglonil syrup. I've been taking it for a while now and I'm doing okay; I don't know if it's actually working, but for the first time, I'm not dealing with side effects.

So, since the private treatment wasn't working, she referred me to JPMorgan Chase, where I received my actual diagnosis. I still have to complete some testing they signed me up for.

I'm scared of everything. Honestly, I'd rather not go at all; I feel like it might all just be for nothing.

I honestly don't know what I could possibly recommend to you, since I'm certainly no doctor and this forum isn't really meant for handing out medical diagnoses.
If I were you, though, I'd just ask that physician why they prescribed it in the first place.
I haven't personally run into any bad doctors lately, but at the end of the day, they aren't infallible and they can definitely make mistakes.

Since I’m living with schizophrenia, I have to convince myself that it isn't quite as terrifying as it seems and that a normal life is still possible. But honestly, throwing that diagnosis around at people who don't actually have it is just wrong. 😕
Would you mind sharing what kind of medications you've been prescribed?
It feels completely surreal to me that a psychiatrist would hand out a diagnosis like that to someone who hasn't even been hospitalized twice. Usually, you don't just get labeled with schizophrenia on your first go, no matter how intense a psychotic episode might be. And if there wasn't even a psychotic episode to begin with... 😕
I'm feeling just as confused by this as you are.

Jeffrey Ramos4 said:What do those phases of mania, depression, and psychosis actually look like for you?

Hmm, let me try to put it into words... when I'm leaning into a psychotic state, I actually tend to be in a pretty good mood and find myself being quite social, though my thoughts start racing so fast that I sometimes lose my grip on reality and end up voicing ideas about myself, the people around me, or just the world at large that simply aren't true. When the depression hits, honestly, it’s pretty bleak; it feels like you have to practically pull words out of me just to hold a basic conversation. I tend to retreat into sleep, often passing out for twelve hours or more at a stretch. The depressive stretches always seem to last much longer than the manic or psychotic ones, and from my perspective, they feel like they go on forever. That's about it, I suppose.🍿

thanks so much 🙂 😉

I wouldn't say I've hijacked this thread entirely, but it certainly feels like I’ve taken up most of the space here lately.
This condition is just so incredibly unpredictable; I've been dealing with it for nearly eight years now.
It’s a constant, exhausting cycle where I find myself swinging between these manic, psychotic episodes and periods of deep, heavy depression. It’s been eight years of this, though if you count the two years I spent treating bipolar disorder and depression before that, it's been a much longer road.
If you haven't personally experienced psychosis—whether it's stemming from schizophrenia or bipolar disorder—it’s hard to truly grasp how difficult it is to maintain any semblance of a normal life while fighting this.
But honestly, there isn't really any other choice; you just have to keep fighting, keep pushing back, and keep hanging in there for as long as you can.👍