Posts by Harold Anderson3

I just wanted to let you know that I’m currently on some medication, so if I seem a bit off, please bear with me—it's probably better if we don't dive too deep into things until I'm feeling more like myself. 😛

I think I'll give the ginger a shot; thanks so much for the suggestion. Personally, I’ve always been a big fan of fennel, nettle, or peppermint tea too. I enjoy green tea as well, though the really high-quality stuff can get pretty pricey if you're picking it up at a specialty shop like Whole Foods
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To be honest, though, nothing really hits the spot quite like a good cup of coffee. ☕

George Cook said:In what way does the madness manifest for you? My apologies if I missed that part of our discussion.

I find myself constantly cycling through depressive, manic, and psychotic states.
When I’m in a depressive slump, everything just looks bleak; I lose interest in everything, my motivation vanishes, and I feel like I'm just sinking under the weight of it all. It's just that heavy, listless sadness.
When I hit a manic phase, I suddenly care about everything again—I'm active, social, and full of energy. For me, though, the depression usually lingers much longer than the mania.
Then there's the psychotic state, which doesn't happen as often since I stay very consistent with my medication, but when it does, it feels like an intense, amplified version of mania. I get this sense of superiority over everyone else, start pitching these completely unrealistic ideas or grand plans, and occasionally deal with hallucinations.
It’s usually those psychotic episodes that land me in the hospital, though sometimes a particularly brutal bout of depression can do the same.

Ultimately, schizophrenia is such a complex mental health disorder—probably one of the most intricate ones out there, even if it isn't always categorized as the "hardest" to live with. Statistically speaking, people dealing with clinical depression actually have a higher suicide rate than those with schizophrenia (around 15% compared to 10%).

@Jose Ward4, darksurfer4, Larry Cooper89, thanks so much everyone.

Honestly, I’m feeling pretty regretful now that I didn't head down to the coast for the summer to work as a referee at some local restaurant; everything was already lined up, and I had people convincing me not to drop out of college, but now those same people have completely vanished without a trace. It looks like I won't be finishing my degree, and even if I could, I’ve really taken a massive hit to my pride regarding the whole situation.

Take my mechanics class, for instance. I just can't keep up with it; I sit there in the lecture hall like a total vegetable, scribbling down whatever scraps of information I can manage before the moment passes, and then what? How am I supposed to pass? My concentration and motivation just aren't there, and you really can't study effectively like this.
If I actually had the means to see a private psychiatrist twice a week, things might be looking a bit different, but relying on public healthcare feels like such a dismal level of medical care. My new doctor is swamped with incredibly severe cases—people who struggle to string two coherent sentences together—so she really doesn't have the bandwidth to give me academic advice. And honestly, she seems just as lost as I am because her entire specialization is handling the most extreme crises.
I don't know, Jose Ward4, were you ever hospitalized at a facility like the VA? Because they've placed me in the male chronic ward for the first time, which marks my seventh hospitalization. Some of the people here struggle with basic things like using the restroom or eating on their own; they are entirely dependent on others. On one hand, the system places me among people like this (and I truly don't mean to offend or belittle anyone, but some folks are really struggling deeply), yet on the other hand, this same system expects me to be independent, financially self-sufficient, and a "normal" person. But I can only achieve that if I finish school. Actually, my school isn't even a major university; it's more of a community college, so objectively it shouldn't be that difficult, but for someone in my position, it feels impossible.

I feel like I’ve said this a hundred times already: there are people on one side who want to encourage me, saying things like, "You can do this, you're so smart," (maybe back when I was in middle or high school). Then there's reality on the other side. I mean, does it really matter what my struggles with school are for me or anyone else? If you become an engineer, nobody is going to ask if you have schizophrenia, epilepsy, or whatever else you're dealing with. The system just grinds everything down without exception. That's capitalism for you—it might sound pessimistic, but the definition of this system is that only the best survive. It's just like evolution and natural selection. That's all I meant.

And as for trying to fight this illness through sheer willpower, that's basically Mission Impossible. Schizophrenia is a drastic biochemical imbalance of chemicals in the brain, specifically the neurotransmitters. That applies to almost any mental illness, but schizophrenia is the most extreme example. Being positive or surrounding yourself with happy people might help during bouts of sadness or mild depression, but when you're facing this kind of severe chemical imbalance, it simply doesn't work. Medications help to an extent, but they aren't a silver bullet, and currently, there just isn't an effective cure for this condition.

Andrew Doyle said:Look, I truly get how brutal those mood swings can be. But I’m telling you again: you are stronger than any of the chaos you dump onto this forum. Behind every single one of your setbacks and every moment you feel like you're spiraling, there is a spark in you that keeps breaking through, over and over again. I realize this is just people typing on an internet board and things often get lost in translation or misinterpreted, but somehow, I’m not worried about you. I genuinely believe you’re one of those rare people who will actually cross the finish line and hit their goals—regardless of your diagnosis, regardless of what happened in your childhood, and regardless of all the hurdles life keeps throwing your way.
See, it started raining. Most people would just sit there waiting for the rain to stop before they even think about going for their walk or their run. A lot of people would just give up entirely... but you aren't most people. You don't quit. 😉

A ban? 😲 Wait, did you honestly think you could come here looking for support and end up getting banned? If that were actually how things worked on this platform, I’d step down from my moderator position myself. 🙂

😛 Depression is a real beast. I'm not sure if you've ever heard the saying, "If hell exists on earth, you'll find it in the heart of a melancholic man." There are so many different levels to depression, but when it hits hard—the way it tends to hit me—it feels pretty close to actual hell. Honestly, looking at the clock right now, just two hours ago I was sitting here wondering if you were okay and how I could help ease your burden, and yet, here I am feeling capable enough to get a workout in. The weather is pretty lousy right now, though; the wind is really picking up, so it's probably not the best time to head out.
Thanks again, 😉

Azure, when I saw you were the first one to comment as a moderator, I honestly thought I was about to get handed a penalty because I really went off the rails there for a second. It was pure emotion. But instead, I got a hug! Thank you so much for the hug and those kind words. 😘It’s been raining here all day so I haven't moved from my spot, but I think I'll head out for a light run now since I'm feeling wide awake.
I suppose it’s just part of who I am—my moods tend to shift quite drastically, and when I'm spiraling, my main priority is just keeping a cool head so I don't end up doing something incredibly foolish 😢you know exactly what I mean.

I’ve been having a really rough time these last few days. I feel completely wiped out. It’s this strange paradox where I’m craving company, yet at the exact same time, I find myself pulling away from everyone and retreating into my own shell. There’s this heavy sense of worthlessness hanging over me. I don't hold any ill will toward anyone, but I’m struggling not to feel that way about myself either. Honestly, it feels like everyone has just walked away from me. My immediate family is still there, but they’re pretty disconnected from reality; my mom is increasingly losing touch with what’s actually happening around her. This isn't the life I wanted, and I doubt anyone would. And honestly, trying to finish my degree at the state university is driving me to the brink. I'm 29 years old and I haven't even cleared my first year of coursework, all while piling up debt I can't manage. I just don't think I can do this. Now, everyone is breathing down my neck, trying to force me to graduate and finally become independent. But where were all the doctors, social workers, and support systems when my mother basically abandoned me right after birth? Where was anyone when my stepmother was hitting me, or when my father acted like I didn't even exist? She was such a selfish person, always thinking only of herself; I wasn't even a footnote in her life. All the people who have known me for years—who watched everything unfold from the sidelines—they knew things were bad, but they either didn't want to or couldn't step in. I feel like it might be too late to fix something that was broken so fundamentally a long time ago. I genuinely can't see an exit from this dark tunnel. I don't want to end my life, even though part of me truly wishes I could, because I know I’d leave my family in total chaos. If anything, hurting myself would be the ultimate way of hurting them. I could head to the ER, but the thought of being back in a hospital setting again is just too much. I'm going for a walk. Alone, though I wonder who else is even out there. I'm hoping for some kind of support here once I get back.🕺

Hey everyone 🙂

I grew up in a small town in the Midwest, but I’m currently living in Washington, D.C. for my studies. I’m 29 years old.
I’ve been managing schizophrenia for the last eight years, and on top of that, I struggle with depression. I’m certainly not wealthy, but I can definitely afford to grab a coffee or catch a movie. I’d really love to meet someone to hang out with; I enjoy going out for coffee, hitting the cinema, or just taking long walks around places like Lake Havasu, but I don't really have anyone to go with. Because of my diagnosis, I run into a lot of intense prejudices from people, which makes it pretty tough to actually get an opportunity to connect with someone new. I have a few close friends and some classmates I see every day, but I’m looking to expand my circle. Even though I deal with bouts of depression quite often—which isn't exactly surprising given how lonely things can feel while dealing with this illness—I truly am a kind and fun person once you get to know me. I’d love to find someone whose company might help convince me that life isn't quite as bleak as it feels from my current perspective. That’s about it for now; I have plenty of interests, but I don't want to overwhelm anyone by listing them all right away. This post might not sound particularly glamorous, but it’s honest, and I don't want to pretend I can offer the moon and the stars when I simply can't. All I can really offer is myself, exactly as I am, and I promise to try my absolute best to be great company within my means. So... there it is.

👋

I honestly don't know, it seems like everyone experiences it in such a different way. My own experience wasn't even remotely similar to what that girl went through. I didn't deal with any hallucinations until I hit the peak of my psychotic episode at age 21, though there was certainly depression, apathy, and a total lack of focus leading up to that for years.

Nicole Barrett76 said:I have a question that doesn't strictly belong here, and while I am unsure where else to post it, I felt it would be foolish to start an entirely new thread just for this inquiry.

Suppose a deeply terrified patient arrives at a psychiatrist's office and, driven by intense fear, begins demanding physical contact from the doctor or perhaps a nurse. If the physician administers an injection with anxiolytic properties, there will inevitably be a period of waiting before the medication takes effect.

In such a delicate moment, would doctors actually embrace the patient, offer a comforting pat, hold their hand, or engage in some other form of soothing touch?

🤣
Honestly, it really just comes down to the individual doctor or nurse. They're human beings too, after all, and sometimes they can feel pretty overwhelmed by the intensity of the situation themselves, so they might not always provide that kind of physical contact.😉

I feel that familiar, low-level melancholy washing over me again... it’s not exactly a crushing weight, just a persistent, dull ache that won't quit.
My sleep schedule is a total mess lately; I’m either sleeping way too much or staring at the ceiling all night with my eyes wide open...
I think I might actually head back to the outpatient clinic, though I’m honestly not holding my breath that it’ll make a dent in how I feel...
I’m just tired of chasing false hope, and frankly, I’m a little worried they’ll just look at me like some fragile crybaby if I show up there.☕

Rebecca Rivera3 said:Reality can be incredibly harsh... when both faith and medicine fail you, you're left alone with yourself, fighting against your own reflection.

Start with the Man in the mirror 🙂
We’re all in this together, Rebecca Rivera3; I definitely agree that while we have the capacity to fix so much on our own, there are those heavy moments where you just don't have enough strength left for yourself, let alone anyone else. But then things tend to look up again, and that's just how life rolls out. One day is better, one day is harder... just moving through it day by day.

Rebecca Rivera3 said:Poverty just makes everything worse. When you're struggling financially, you can't afford the kind of support you actually need, and what the government provides is rarely enough to get someone back on their feet or even able to work. So, what's the alternative? The only answer I see is helping ourselves... Even if a state psychiatrist wants to help me more than anyone else—I don't know why, maybe he just likes me or feels sorry for me—it still doesn't solve the core issue.
So... the question remains, what is the right way to handle this?
I believe everyone has to help themselves as much as possible, even when it’s incredibly difficult, and sometimes people simply can't, which I understand. I've been in a position where I was completely stuck myself. But as long as I am able, I try not to spend my hard-earned money on psychotherapy. It's not because I think it's useless, but because I truly believe that through sheer strength and willpower, you can pull yourself up. At the end of the day, no one can help you as much as you can help yourself.

I went to see a private therapist a long time ago, even before I was diagnosed with schizophrenia, and after just three sessions, I basically thanked them and left... I mean, who can actually afford that? And the worst part is that there isn't a single, perfectly effective cure for schizo. All those treatments are just ways to manage it; if you combine medication, monitoring, and if possible, therapy and a steady routine, things might become manageable, but it's still an uphill battle. My doctor at the clinic suggested I check into a day program, but I didn't go. It just feels like one more obligation, having to drag myself up at 7 AM every morning, spending half my day there, while all my responsibilities at college and work are waiting for me. At school, I don't have any room for error anymore, and I've already burned through all my credit cards. So, yeah, that's my reality.

darksurfer4 Asks:
I think you’re getting a little carried away with some pretty misguided ideas here. Honestly, the idea that people were actively stigmatizing cancer patients back in the day just doesn't hold up—at least not in my experience from twenty years ago. People actually talked about it openly, and there was a genuine sense of empathy and understanding toward those going through it. If anything, I feel like what we’ve really seen lately is just a much higher level of awareness regarding preventative screenings and the incredible advancements in treatment options available to us now.

When it comes to mental health struggles, you won't really find that kind of stigma among most regular people—well, if you aren't hanging out with those hyper-rigid, right-wing types—so honestly, you don't need to lose much sleep over it.

I don't personally think schizophrenia is such a massive issue all on its own, provided that it’s being managed properly and isn't one of those particularly severe cases. But when you start layering in things like financial instability, or if there's a history of mental health struggles within the immediate family—things like disability, depression, or various types of social anxiety—it really makes sense why people might resort to stigmatizing or isolating someone. It’s a heavy combination to carry. At least in my own experience, that’s how it feels, though I obviously can't speak for everyone else.

Hey there, would it be possible to make a change to my username, Harold Anderson3? 🙂

I've been using this handle for over a decade now, so I was thinking it might be time for a little refresh.

Sure thing, just reach out to rustydrifter10.

Joseph Fowler33 said:Hey Harold Anderson3, I'm pretty sure we were stuck on the same ward for maybe two or three weeks—it was the acute psychiatric unit over at the local VA hospital. By any chance, did you have red and white nail polish on? Sorry if I'm totally off base here, I haven't been on the forums much lately. This was back this past winter, maybe around December or January. Cheers!

Oh yeah... I definitely remember you now. Man, it feels like a lifetime ago. You’ve got a much sharper memory than I do; honestly, half of what happened during that stretch is just a blur to me, especially those little "details" people tend to notice.
How have you been doing? Maybe it would be better if we moved this to private messages, just like Azzura suggested...🙂

A good friend of mine went through a really rough patch dealing with constant exhaustion, tension headaches, and bouts of insomnia... they went through every single test you can imagine, from routine blood work and thyroid panels to full brain MRIs. Eventually, everything led them to a psychiatrist, where they were prescribed antidepressants and some sleep medication. They’ve been on that regimen for about a year now, and they are finally starting the slow process of tapering off everything.

I honestly wish I knew where all my medical records were hiding; I know they exist since I’ve been in treatment for ten years now. I haven't a clue where any of my discharge papers are, which is quite a mess considering I've been hospitalized six times so far.
Being hospitalized isn't the end of the world, but I suppose it’s better to avoid it whenever possible. In my experience, I’ve had three involuntary stays and three voluntary ones. You can't really avoid the involuntary ones, obviously, but looking back, they were all ultimately for my own good.
Sure thing, I'll let you know how things go at the outpatient clinic... everything is going fine at college, though it would be absolutely ideal if I could just find a way to study a little more effectively, haha. 😁
I'll shoot you a private message later! 😉

Rebecca Rivera3 said:Harold Anderson3, how are you doing? Are you still heading to the outpatient clinic? How are you handling those new medications?
The changing weather and my high blood pressure are really making things worse lately...
Anyway, I'm still fighting the good fight, just pushing through... facing everything on my own.

Hey, Rebecca Rivera3,🙂
it feels like it's been forever since we last chatted. I'm doing alright, thanks for asking.
I haven't actually started at the outpatient center yet, though I'm hoping to get things moving there this coming Monday. And yeah, I totally hear you. Personally, the weather shifts don't hit me quite as hard, but I know how unpleasant it can be.
I definitely go through stretches where I just feel constantly drained—maybe it’s the seasonal change, who knows?

So, is anyone actually up for hanging out this weekend? We could all meet up in downtown Chicago near Millennium Park for a nice stroll and grab a drink, depending on what everyone's allowed to have these days.🙂 Last time we tried to make this happen, everything fell through because a few of us ended up heading out to the Finger Lakes with some Americans instead.

I think I’m running into a slightly different issue than everyone else here...
It seems like I can't actually watch any of the videos posted by other members because none of the links will play for me. Every time I try, I just get stuck staring at this massive blue window that won't let me 🤷