Paul Perez said:Look, I don't want to bore you with too much detail—though let’s be real, I definitely will—but listen: that one sentence right there completely changes the entire landscape of the problem you're dealing with.
So, here’s the good news—something you already know deep down but haven't had the guts to actually call what it is for obvious reasons—you don't actually give a damn about this whole "parental love" concept, you're really just chasing the ghost of your father's approval and nursing that old wound from growing up without your mother around.
Look, we can all agree on the basics here—a father is just as vital to a kid's development as a mother is, and when you’ve got boys growing up, that father figure becomes absolutely critical during that phase where they're trying to figure out who they are and how they fit into the world.
So you're basically sitting there implying that a mother's love—which, let's be honest, is pretty much the ultimate thing—can actually get to be a bit much sometimes.
Look, if someone says they’re "suffering because they're being denied love," they aren't exactly claiming that anyone's affection is a burden to them. I’m telling you this just so you can actually aim your little "search" in the right direction for once.
It looks like that’s how things are playing out on your end:
Look, let’s just be real about it—my old man completely missed the mark when it came to my emotional needs. He just wasn't wired to actually see me or understand what I was going through on a deeper level. It wasn't even a conscious thing, he just lacked that basic awareness, you know? Like, if I was struggling or needed some actual support, he'd just tune it out or act like it wasn't happening. There was zero recognition of the emotional side of things, which honestly left a massive void because you expect your own father to at least grasp the basics of how you're feeling, but he just couldn't get there.
Look, let’s just be real about this: your old man completely dropped the ball when it came to actually showing up for you emotionally. He just wasn't there, you know? It’s like he was physically present in the room, but when it came to actually understanding what you were going through or giving you that support you needed, he was totally checked out. He failed to meet those emotional needs entirely, and honestly, that's a massive gap to deal with.
Look, you’re basically just acting like some sensitive kid who thinks getting a pat on the head from everyone else is the only way to feel like your own existence actually matters.
It’s pretty simple, really: you get what you deserve, whether that's love or whatever else life throws at you—and if things go south, well, that's just how it works. You earn it, or you don't. Simple as that.
I’m betting that when they started cutting back on the emotional support, they probably went ahead and stripped away all the praise and rewards too, if you ask me.
Maybe there was just way too much "objectivity" going on—or, if you ask me, just a whole lot of unnecessary nitpicking. Again, I'm just guessing here, but it felt like they were trying way too hard to be critical.
Look, my old man basically offloaded the responsibility of looking out for me onto someone else, and let’s be real, that person didn't give a damn either. They totally dropped the ball when I needed them to step up, which honestly just left me feeling completely abandoned by him.
So what we're looking at here is this young guy who’s basically walking around with this deep-seated chip on his shoulder because he’s convinced he just isn't "worthy," all because his old man failed to show him any real validation when it actually mattered.
Look, Mom’s love gets trashed from the jump by all these self-appointed "authorities"—you know, the ones throwing around heavy diagnoses and stripping away parental rights like it's nothing. You didn't consciously reject her, but you basically subconsciously filed her away as being "less important," when in reality, her presence was supposed to be a given.
Look, it’s just a normal kid reaction, so there's absolutely no reason to sit around beating yourself up or drowning in guilt over it, but you definitely have plenty of reasons to get your head straight and fix how you're looking at the situation.
Look, we really need to stop conflating two completely different things here; you can't just lump them all together and act like they're the same thing.
I’m not even talking about love in some vague, poetic sense—I'm talking about THIS specific kind of love and that constant, exhausting demand he has for me to prove my worth just to get his validation.
Everything I said before still stands, honestly. Just try to put more focus on actually getting to know yourself—like, really digging into who you are, what you're capable of, and where your actual potential lies. Once you figure that out, you just gotta go out there and actually make something of it.
That’s exactly how you build up a sense of security and self-respect—that deep-down feeling of actual purpose, where you finally feel like your existence and everything you do actually matters.
When you lose that sense of self-worth, that feeling that you actually matter or have a purpose in this world, that’s when you slide into depression. It’s pretty much always the root cause. Everything else—whatever specific disaster or bad day hits you—is just the trigger that sets the whole thing off.
Look, you need to get your head straight regarding your attitude TOWARD your old man, not just how you deal WITH him. There’s a massive difference there. Your internal perspective—the way you actually view him and the principles you're choosing to live by—is what you really need to grind on right now. Dealing WITH him involves actual interaction, and let's be real, you aren't emotionally stable or tough enough yet to handle that kind of direct back-and-forth. So, save the actual confrontation for later; focus on fixing your own mindset first.
In the meantime, just make sure you don't fall into that whole "seeking validation from your old man" trap—and honestly, you probably will hit that wall at some point, even if you aren't even on speaking terms with him anymore.
Look, if you’re actually still talking to your old man, you really need to just take him as he is. Stop wasting your energy mourning the version of him that exists in your head or nursing these massive, unrealistic expectations about how he should act. Just accept the reality of the situation, without all the extra drama.
Look, you really need to try and get a grip on how you react to people in charge, whether you’re sucking up to them or totally losing your mind on them. It’s getting a bit much. You have this tendency to swing wildly between extremes because, deep down, you treat every single authority figure like they’re some ultimate symbol—basically treating every boss or leader like they're your own damn father. You can't just see someone as a person with a job; you turn them into this massive, symbolic figurehead, and that's why your reactions go so overboard. Just dial it back and stop making everything so heavy.
I honestly don't doubt for a second that you'll move past all this before you know it.🙂
P.S.
Actually, I just went back and read that whole section on humiliation, physical abuse, and how they constantly belittle anyone's achievements, so I’m editing my post here.
I get that it's hard to wrap your head around right now, but people who act out like that—especially toward their own kids—have this really twisted psychological makeup, shaped by all the toxic social habits and experiences they grew up with. They were usually beaten, abused, and put down themselves... and so, anyone weaker than them becomes nothing more than a punching bag to help them feel some sense of "power and control" that they don't actually possess in the real world.
The absolute best thing you can do is just decide to be a decent, loving parent to your kids one day, effectively breaking the cycle and refusing to pass on everything that was done to you.
Funnygirl 🙂
That’s exactly right. It isn't that my mother's love was missing, it just didn't really reach me because we were physically apart for so long. I'm not sure if I'm expressing this correctly, but I'm not exactly out there begging for affection; rather, I just feel that void through the mental health struggles I've been dealing with lately.
My mom's love is actually quite intense—one of her doctors even described her as being a very possessive parent. I love her dearly too, though I try to keep things within a healthy, normal boundary. So, a quick 😘 for my mom.
I find myself agreeing with most of what's been said above, though in my case, my father didn't just delegate some of the parenting duties to someone else; he handed off every single ounce of responsibility, literally.
And I certainly wasn't trying to suggest that a mother's love is somehow less important. As a kid, I spent so much time aching just to be near her, but now that I'm older, I'm just being practical. I've realized there's no sense in moving back home just because I love her so much. Honestly, given my current life with college and work, that would be a bit crazy.
On top of that, I'm at a total loss as to how to build a relationship with my father when he doesn't even believe me! I tried having an honest, heart-to-heart conversation with him about the serious internal struggles I'm facing, and his reaction was incredibly negative—he basically told me I was just acting out and running away from my responsibilities.
When I asked him why my grades suddenly plummeted in school, his response was essentially that I performed well when I was under control, but once that control was gone, I just lost interest.🙄 During a recent argument, he even claimed I was just wetting the bed out of pure spite... honestly, the man can't see past his heavy machinery at work, and when it comes to emotional intelligence—or the upbringing that should have provided it—he's pretty much at zero.👎