Singing... I don't know. Every time I have to perform in front of people, my throat just tightens up. It feels like swallowing a stone. And now that I actually need to sing, I know that feeling is coming back. I can already see the judgment, or worse, the laughter. People looking at me like, "Wait, you think you can actually sing?" So, I think I'll just avoid singing in public altogether... It's the same pattern with so many things. Someone will demonstrate a skill they have, and then turn to me and say, "Look what I can do, now you try." I firmly tell them no, because if I truly attempt it, I won't be able to do it. Does that make any sense at all?
placidranger said:You hit the nail on the head—knowing where all that anxiety stems from doesn't actually change a thing.
Exactly. I've been this way for most of my life and I can't just fix it on my own. I was talking to my boyfriend about it yesterday. He just told me to stop caring so much... essentially telling me to get over it. But it isn't that simple...
Good grief. It’s not PMS. I know what my cycle feels like, and this isn't it. Do you experience panic attacks when you're dealing with PMS? Maybe it's an issue with the gallbladder, for all I know...
I taught myself that lesson on my own. Even as a kid, I was always aware that I wasn't much to look at. I really internalized that... and eventually, I built up this defense mechanism where I figured if I couldn't be beautiful, I had to be the smartest person in the room. I couldn't afford to be anything else.
I’ve definitely had my moments like that. I remember showing up to school wearing those ridiculous animal slippers and stuff. It wasn't because I lacked intelligence; it was more about being a bit eccentric. I just wanted to stand out... But take singing, for example. I love to sing, and I actually have a good voice. The thing is, whenever I have to perform in front of a crowd, the anxiety hits hard. It isn't just standard stage fright. It's this deep fear of looking foolish. That fear of making a mistake and having everyone realize I can't actually carry a tune...
I wouldn't say I'm a religious person. Everyone needs something to hold onto just to keep going, especially when the world feels like a mess and nothing seems to make sense, but church isn't really my thing. As for medication... usually, if I have a headache, I'll just take something to dull the pain. But regarding what’s happening now, is this actually physical—like a neurological issue—or is it psychological? I feel like we should be looking for the root cause rather than just treating the symptoms...
I need to talk. But I don't mean just venting to anyone to get things off my chest. I already have people in my life—a boyfriend, good friends... they're great, but they can't truly help me when they don't understand why I feel this way. I was wondering if seeing a therapist might be the answer instead. Is that how it works?...
I didn't get to finish my thought yesterday because I had to rush out, and I really didn't want to lose everything I'd already typed. Though, looking at this thread, it feels like nobody's actually reading it anyway. Oh well...
Anyway, what I really wanted to get off my chest—at least for now—is this constant fear of looking foolish. It holds me back in so many situations, especially when meeting new people, and even with friends I actually get along with. I just can't seem to fully relax and be myself, mostly because I'm terrified that who I am isn't quite good enough. I know the root cause of why I feel this way, but knowing it doesn't exactly help me fix the problem...
My question is: should I be looking for a therapist or some kind of professional help, and if so, where? Or if not, how do I handle this? Is this just a normal thing to deal with, or...?
So... I don't have an official diagnosis. I’ve never seen a psychologist, and no one has ever told me I have depression or anxiety. I just figured it out on my own by reading other people's stories and descriptions online. I know I struggle with depression, though I feel like everyone hits a low point at some point... I also experience what I call attacks, mostly because I don't know what else to call them. I'll be standing on a subway, feeling perfectly fine, just lost in thought, when suddenly tears start welling up. My breathing gets heavy, and I start wondering what on earth is wrong with me. Nothing happened, and I tell myself to calm down, but it just won't work. It eventually passes, but the heavy feeling lingers. On top of that, I deal with an eating disorder; I tend to binge, sometimes to comfort myself and sometimes for no reason at all.
I spend a lot of time reflecting on myself, trying to find answers. Even when I find them, I realize I can't fix this alone. I haven't really considered medication, because I don't want to feel numb... I try my best to manage it. When the depression hits, I'll reach out to a friend for coffee, go to work, take a ride on the train, or head to the mall. Actually, sometimes I just go to a large Target and slowly walk through the aisles with a cart. That calms me down. Or I'll just go for a walk. I just don't allow myself to be left alone when I'm feeling like this.
My perception of myself is distorted. My weight has fluctuated wildly over the last few years. I managed to lose a significant amount of weight, yet I still saw myself the exact same way. It actually started to bother me when people would tell me how great I looked or how much more attractive I had become.
I started biting my nails somewhere between middle school and high school. My mom was always on my case about it, but I just didn't care back then. I wasn't even using any gross coatings or anything... my nails didn't actually look that bad. Then one day, I saw a friend of mine biting theirs, and seeing how nasty it looked—and seeing their actual nails—just made me decide to stop. And I did, just like that. Honestly, though, I think it’s mostly a nervous habit. I don't bite them anymore (I couldn't even if I tried, they're too tough now), but I find myself constantly cleaning them. I'd love to get rid of that habit too, but I guess this is a decent compromise...