Posts by copperfox22

Fair enough, but you didn't really answer my question here:

I think you’re being a bit dramatic—though I'll admit the whole "nice guys aren't interesting" trope isn't entirely without merit.😁

So, why do we gravitate toward the bad boys?😍 (Whether it's the lawyers, the plumbers, or whatever else😳 🤣 )

Is it the adrenaline rush? The sense of danger? Or just the challenge?

granitefalcon26 said:But what if I end up measuring every future relationship against my ex? Honestly, I just know it’ll never feel the way it did with her.😢

Don't take this the wrong way, but I think you're romanticizing things a bit too much here.🙂

It isn't really that there's some "unbeatable" standard out there. No one is. It's just that there isn't only one single high-quality person who fits your criteria perfectly. Maybe the real issue is that, deep down, you aren't actually looking to move on. You might find someone great, but only if you can finally accept that she was a chapter that closed, rather than treating her like this permanent benchmark.

placidranger said:je 🙂
Dammit—there comes a point where you just have to make a call. You either sit there and let yourself spiral, or you actually get out there. Sign up for a yoga class, take some dance lessons, quit that dead-end job—whatever it takes to shake things up. Honestly, if I want to meet new people without it feeling like a full-time chore, I need to make a move.

To me, it looks like those criteria are baked right into who you are—you just happen to be incredibly flexible about how you apply them.
Everyone has their own threshold—their own breaking point. You can't exactly build a rigid mold for yourself and expect it to stay that way forever. Life doesn't work like that. Even if you try to set a standard today, things change. I’ve learned that the moment you think you've finally settled on a fixed set of rules, reality finds a way to shift the goalposts.
Look, if you're working with a three-liter mold—and let's be honest, that's a massive container—one batch isn't going to cut it. You won't fill it. Simple math.
Here we go again... if you’re forcing five gallons into it, you can expect four back once you let up—that fifth gallon is just wasted effort, no matter how you look at it.

I honestly don't know—is what I’m chasing actually going to make me happy? Or am I just running in circles.
I suppose I think so... though honestly, thinking is a damn chore.
But... how am I supposed to think any other way when this is the only brain I’ve got?🤷
I’d honestly prefer if I didn't have to think at all—either let exactly what I need just show up when it's time, or stop making the fact that I can't think a constant distraction.
None of that is actually going to happen... I’ll just sit here thinking about it while nothing ever moves. Typical.
So, you're sitting there thinking... what now?😁

So, what now? 😁 Sheet, poster, buy some cats, grab some yarn, and have my nephews knit some scarves—because those sweaters just aren't happening. 😁

I’ve come to realize that some of these dating criteria are purely irrational—they aren't even problematic on their own, they just seem tied to specific people who were once caught short or simply don't make sense. For the longest time, I wasn't into curvier women. Not at all. I wouldn't call myself a "chubby lover" now, either, but I don't rule it out immediately anymore. I used to think my preference was perfectly rational—look, you want good sex, and you can't get turned on by body fat—but then you see how much of a mess that logic actually creates.
You’ve gotta sample all walks of life—it’s worth the hassle. 🤷

🤷
Or maybe not. Maybe you’re just genuinely meeting idiots. What happened with the last one? Or the one before that?

It’s not him who’s an idiot 🙂...long story, doesn't really matter anymore. Just bad luck, I guess. 😁

The main thing is that I’ve been feeling pretty shaken up lately. Everything seems to be piling up at once. But what you're saying makes sense. Maybe this was just the final straw after a long stretch of bad luck. Honestly, I feel like my life is experiencing some kind of delayed reaction to everything that's happened recently.

I usually consider myself a "rock"—someone who can handle anything, even the chaotic stuff. I often forget that I'm made of flesh and blood just like everyone else. 🙂

The second to last one was definitely an idiot 😳 😁

Look, man, I get what you're saying, but you can't pull one over on me—I can tell when you're talking in code 😬

Anyway, I think we finally landed on the same page 🙂

Walter Peterson said:And there lies the crux of your issue. Sometimes, when emotions run that deep, you don't even need a committed relationship to feel absolutely miserable. I suspect you'll find much more energy and resilience once these "fresh" moments fade into distant memories.

You've got a point there. This person meant a lot to me,🙂 which is probably why it hits this hard.

And if I'm being totally honest, I don't think this will ever just be a "distant memory"—and truthfully, I wouldn't want it to.

Mark Hughes36 said:I have zero doubt you’ll stumble upon someone interesting again soon—since you're such an incurable optimist and dreamer. Maybe this time they'll actually share your worldview... 🙂

Mark, you’re totally trivializing my "issue"😢... I don't think it'll be quite that easy the next time around; even dreamers run into some dark clouds every now and then. Alright, alright, settle down, but you get my point. 😁

The next round of beers is on me—if not by Christmas, then definitely once summer hits (maybe at a rooftop bar in Chicago, haha). 😁

Jeremy Torres5 said:copperfox22, your only issue is that you're trying way too hard and giving too much
and you're doing it all at once 🤷
it scares people off
men especially 🤣
I'd take it much slower next time, honey🙂

Yeah, I know. People are generally intimidated by me... what a paradox. 🙂

Honestly, if a man can't handle a strong woman, he's just not worth the trouble. 🙄

The next person who doesn't try to own me, but instead leaves me completely speechless, will be the one. 🤣

Oh look, you finally decided to show up, 🙂

But hey, since it’s you, I guess I can actually take your word for it—which, let's be honest, is still a step up from my own 😬
. You're definitely more seasoned and sensible than some clueless kid at 🤣
. Come on, say something nice to brighten my mood a bit.

@Lawrence Patel9 — You're overthinking things, man. It is what it is. 😳

Besides, I don't spend my time judging people... at least, not when they aren't being completely ridiculous. 😁

placidranger said:Years aren't exactly consistent—not that anyone expected them to be. 🙂 Look, being skeptical is fine—it’s actually healthy. There are far too many idiots running around in expensive suits pretending they know what they're doing.

What, did you just move the goalposts? I don't see how changing the criteria actually solves anything—I’m still essentially the same person at my core, so we're right back where we started. It won't change the outcome.

It all started with that classic line—"as long as she's a woman." 🙂 I didn't have a clue what I actually wanted—everything seemed fine enough at first. Then, bit by bit, I started figuring out what actually worked for me. My standards just kept climbing across the board—constantly shifting, constantly evolving.
I don't view my standards as part of who I am—they're more like a mold. It’s a filter that someone has to pass through before I decide they're worth anything more. Sometimes, people slip right through despite being completely wrong for me. In those cases, I tighten the requirements. Other times, I loosen them up just to see what happens when I let something unpredictable into the mix.

The fear comes from a realization I’ve had before—I'm basically just quoting myself here. If I actually start liking someone, this nagging feeling kicks in. It doesn't matter if it's irrational or not; it's there. I get this sense that things won't work out because I simply won't fit their mold—or worse, I'll end up being cast in some role in their life that I just can't stomach.
Am I crazy for wanting exactly what I need?

Some things are just non-negotiable essentials—dammit. 🤷I can't do "halfway." I’ve already lived through that dream once—it was a nightmare—and there was just no way I could settle for a lopsided relationship. That’s exactly why I walked away from it all after years of endless attempts, constant investing, and nothing but compromises that left me empty-handed.

Are you actually certain about what you need? Are you positive that *that* specific thing is what’s going to make you happy—and not just some other distraction?

🤣 This logic works fine when you're 16 versus 46... but man, wouldn't it be great if things actually worked out like this 🙏

I occasionally loosen my grip just a bit to see what happens if I let something unusual or unpredictable slip through.

What'll happen? A total mess, that's what. 🙄

Are you absolutely certain you know what you need? That THIS is truly what will make you happy, rather than something else entirely?

I think I am. I've had plenty of time behind me to figure out what might actually bring me happiness in that regard. If you think I have some perfectly etched blueprint or mental image in my head, you're wrong. A few deviations aren't really the issue... I suppose that’s where tolerance comes in. It's the big stuff, the foundations, that worry me more. I don't know, I just find myself spiraling into these thoughts from time to time when I'm feeling down, but it's becoming a frequent habit lately, which has forced me to reflect. Maybe there's an actual issue with me and my poor judgment. 🤷 Perhaps there's some psychological quirk at play here.

@northernwolf3—are you sewing? 😁

northernwolf3 said:it's honestly just like that discussion we had about the forest trails and the marathon😁

It’s a tricky spot to be in... you want someone, but you also want them to check all your boxes
And again, you can't just change your criteria because those standards are fundamentally part of who you are
Besides, there’s absolutely no point in trying to force something that isn't there

There's plenty of that to go around. I just don't want any more heartache, mistakes, or walking down the wrong paths.

Maybe that mindset is actually what's holding you back
Because you're so afraid of heading down the wrong path, you tell yourself immediately, "No, this is the wrong way, I'm not even going there"
The whole trial-and-error approach isn't really a solution in this case, but deep down, you know there isn't any other way
Unless you believe that the right person will just magically appear on their own... or will they? 🤷
Love is essentially a state of being vulnerable... it's just that as we get older, we become increasingly reluctant to let ourselves be vulnerable
And sometimes, you just need a little bit of luck on your side

Yeah, something along those lines. 🙂

placidranger said:I don't look at them as "fuck-ups"—as if my exes left me with some lingering trauma. They don't affect me one bit. 🤷
I learned what I needed to learn, and that's that. I didn't turn hyper-vigilant, and I didn't become bitter. Everything is fine.

My standards are just different now—or more accurately, I actually have standards, which is a net positive.

Personally, I’ve become a little skeptical and maybe a bit cynical. I guess that's just the effect of getting older...everything feels easier when you're young...okay, okay, I'm not ancient, but I'm definitely not in my early twenties anymore.😁

I have different criteria now—or rather, I actually *have* criteria, which is a good thing.

Wait, what? Did you change your standards or something? I don't see how changing my criteria solves anything, because at my core, I'm still pretty much the same person, so nothing really changes.

placidranger said:That fear didn't just appear out of thin air—it’s there because certain types of people simply don't fit your life.
At the end of the day, you just have to figure out which of those red flags are grounded in reality and which ones are just irrational anxieties. 🤷

The fear comes from something I said earlier: whenever I actually like someone, I get this feeling—whether it's rational or not, it's there—that it won't work out because I won't be their type, or I'll pick up on something in them that I just can't stomach.
Am I being foolish for wanting what I need?

Certain things are absolute non-negotiables for me, damn it 🤷...some more than others, but I can't do things halfway. I've been through that already and I refused to settle for it. That's why I walked away from everything after years of effort, investment, compromise, and total exhaustion.

Adam Barrett said:Yeah, I get it. 😢 I was waiting to see what everyone else had to say before jumping in (didn't want to 🙂) because, honestly, it seems like all the people I think are self-sabotaging have always ended up hurting just one specific person, so I really wanted to hear your take on that.

One person basically took up a massive chunk of my life. There were good times and bad ones, but honestly, it doesn't matter now. It happened, it's over, it's done. The thing is, things just aren't working out lately, and I really want to start this whole new chapter. I want to leave the past exactly where it belongs. And look, I let her go without any drama. But damn, I feel like I’m playing with a handicap or something now.

I don't know. All I know is that for quite a while now, there hasn't been any real luck or joy when it comes to love, and frankly, it's getting a little depressing. So now I'm wondering—where is the catch? 😁

northernwolf3 said:So, what about your... social radius?
What I mean is, how much opportunity do you actually have to meet new potential partners?

Well, it isn’t huge, though there’s still some variety, even if everything is pretty much centered around the West Coast. 😁 I don't really meet a ton of new people, but honestly, I'm also starting to feel less interested in doing so. At the same time, I still want that special connection to happen—even if it doesn't last forever, I just want to feel some kind of meaningful spark.🙂

Lawrence Patel9 said:Maybe you're just terrified of getting burned again. As soon as you spot a potential problem, you bail. Even if it's something you could actually work through together. You're slamming on the brakes because you're scared?

There's definitely a lot of that going on. I'm just done with the heartache, the mistakes, and all the wrong turns.

wiredmoose3 said:Look, Walter Peterson—are you out of your mind?🤣 ...that's really all I have to say to that...🤣
copperfox22, interesting choice of words... though incorrect... it implies that the Real One is somehow flawless—just thinking aloud... I know some psychologists find those kinds of associations fascinating...

Nah, please, he's far from flawless. What are you talking about? He's no Joan of Arc... 🙄

You clearly weren't paying attention in class. Those of us who aren't constantly stressed out don't get this worked up. 🤣
Man, I'm really enjoying this thread I started 😍.. we'll get to everything eventually. 😁

Lawrence Patel9 said:Look, you don't need to change, but let's be real: the older we get, the harder it gets to find someone who actually meets our criteria—and it goes beyond that. Finding someone who fits our actual life. We have responsibilities now. Constant obligations.

Maybe that's the trick. Not lowering the bar, but being more tolerant. When you're 20, you still have time to mold yourself alongside a partner. By 30, you've already built your own version of happiness.

So the real question is: what happens to those of us closer to 30 than 20?

We've already settled on the looks. It's a done deal div>

This is my first real roadblock. 🙂
I honestly don't know if there are many people out there who would even be willing to deal with my current life situation. Maybe that's already bleeding into how I act without me even realizing it—I might be subconsciously writing people off before they even get a chance.

Maybe that’s the trick. It isn't about lowering your standards, but rather increasing your tolerance.

.

Now, I consider myself pretty damn tolerant. Especially when it comes to the people I actually care about. I’m the type where, if I let you get close, "everything goes"—hyperbole aside, of course. What I mean is, I’m not shallow or half-hearted when it comes to relationships. I either aim for something deep and meaningful, or I don't bother at all.

That's why, when I commit, I go all in.

So now the question is, what happens to those of us who are closer to 30 than 20?

????

Let the smart ones weigh in. 😁

Walter Peterson said:I experience this as well. I've begun to suspect that a significant portion of the problem lies within me. Those unfortunate criteria again...

We all carry a mental blueprint of an "ideal" partner (with specific criteria), and when we encounter someone who fits that mold, the chemistry hits and we fall in love. Therefore, the key is to shift those internal criteria if we want to fall for a different type of person—especially since the previous ones haven't exactly yielded much luck.

That’s easy for you to say😁, but how am I supposed to force myself to change my criteria? It isn't about whether I'm looking for someone blonde, short, or tall... it's about character traits, temperament, lifestyle, and ways of thinking. I can't just ignore those things or suddenly develop an affinity for someone who is fundamentally different 😕... I just can't, because mentally, they just don't click with me.

Lawrence Patel9 said:Not a chance. It doesn't even get to that stage. A couple of coffees, a walk, and I'm done. I just bail. Even when things seem to be moving in the right direction—they call me, tell me I'm interesting—it's a hard no from my end. Just pure resistance. I won't budge.

Seems like we're dealing with the exact same issue.

Should we head to the spa together? 🤣

The recent stuff really wiped me out. I actually started getting interested (I barely let myself let it get under my skin), but then he wasn't 😢

wiredmoose3 said:From the intro, I’m curious—what exactly constitutes these "wrong" types, and why does the author view them as such?

I guess they're considered wrong because things either don't last very long or there isn't any mutual interest.

Lawrence Patel9 said:Exactly. They don't interest me, and everything else feels dull by comparison. Not that I'm comparing them—it just isn't there. Honestly, the issue isn't them. It's me.

I moved past all that ages ago. I'm not seventeen anymore. I've been through enough that it all just feels confusing now. There are plenty of reasons. A whole chain of them that formed one big mess. I've analyzed it, dissected it, turned it over, and still, I have nothing concrete to say about it.

All I know is that after everything, nothing is ever the same.

And you think you're interesting to them?? This might sound a bit self-centered, but since we're being honest 😬...it actually happens to me more often that I find most of them fascinating, while they don't really do much for me.

- when we actually find each other mutually interesting, it rarely lasts (I have no idea why, feel free to roast me)
- or maybe he seems incredibly engaging to me, but I'm just totally meh to him

I honestly think the issue isn't them; it's me.

Man, now I'm starting to second-guess myself too... maybe there is something wrong with me. How do I figure it out? A therapist? 😁

loneowl39 said:That seems to be the consensus among individuals, yet anonymous surveys suggest the exact opposite is true.
http://www.webmd.com/article/1554/

I don't know what everyone else is saying (well, I could look, but... it would hurt my feelings)

Personally, I've been told I have great hair and eyes. Everything else is pretty much average.🙂

But I don't think we're on the same page. To me, looks are almost irrelevant... I've never been drawn to "models." Besides, I don't obsess over my own appearance for two reasons:

- because my looks have never been an issue when it comes to flirting, trying to start something, or even within a relationship. In fact, it's always been a plus.
- and I don't want to be judged or picked based on my exterior 🙂...I want someone to actually like who I am underneath.

I'm talking about personality traits here, not physical appearance.

loneowl39 said:They exist, sure. It’s just that they're incredibly rare.😉

I tend to view it this way: take a woman who is, by most realistic standards, quite average-looking—which, let’s be honest, is what matters most to men—yet she insists on only dating guys with that runway model physique. If we set aside all other criteria for a moment, you see the disconnect right there.
And then she acts surprised when she can't find a boyfriend.🙄
There are plenty of such instances, honestly, occurring on both sides of the aisle.
I’m inclined to believe that, on average, men tend to be far more objective when assessing their own physical attractiveness than women are.

I don't know about you all, but models have never really been my type. To be honest, I usually find myself gravitating toward the exact opposite. 🙂

When it comes to my own appearance, I have to admit that I’m way more cutthroat and critical than anyone around me. My friends and family might tell me I look fine, but I’ve always been my own harshest critic. 😬

Mark my words—this is going to end up being a massive headache down the road. 🤣

loneowl39 said:That might apply to you specifically, but as a broad statement, it’s a massive overgeneralization that just doesn't hold water.
The issue isn't necessarily the criteria themselves; rather, it's about setting the bar too high and having an inflated sense of one's own value.
And for the record, plenty of men find "the nice guys" quite attractive.

What do you mean by overrating yourself? I mean, sure, that happens, but once you move past that phase of youthful arrogance, you’d think you’d be more capable of an honest self-assessment during those more mature years. You should be able to see both the strengths and the flaws. At least personally, I’m pretty aware of my own shortcomings 🤷...I try to smooth them over, if nothing else, or maybe even change them for my own sake rather than for anyone else. I don't know.