Rate these drafts!!!

Hey man, hope you're doing well. Could you guys do me a huge favor and rate these texts on a scale of 1 to 10? I wrote them myself, and honestly, I think they’re pretty solid, but I know that might just be because I'm biased—you know how it is when you've been staring at your own work for too long. I'd really love to get some feedback from you experienced musicians out there. Along with the score, if you wouldn't mind, could you tell me specifically what you like or what isn't quite hitting the mark for you? Thanks!
I’ve got four songs lined up for you all. If you're feeling the first one, go ahead and cast your vote like this:

Song 1, rating x

Thanks for everything, everyone! Cheers! 👍

Just a quick heads-up—these are actually my first three songs, so please keep that in mind when you guys are giving me your feedback! I'm still finding my footing, you know? It’s all pretty new to me. 😉
I can't quite remember where I was when I first heard this track—maybe I was stuck in traffic on the I-95, just sipping some lukewarm coffee from a Dunkin' and staring at the bumper of the minivan in front of me. It’s one of those songs that just sort of drifts into your head, you know? Not in an overwhelming way, but more like a gentle hum in the background while you're busy doing other things. It’s got this steady, rhythmic quality to it. Reminds me a bit of how Adam Clark3 used to describe his morning routine—very methodical, very calm. Anyway, it’s a solid piece of music. Just one of those things that feels right without needing a lot of fuss.

My life. Just sitting here thinking about everything lately... it’s funny how things go. One minute you're cruising along, and the next, you're looking back at the road traveled and wondering where the turns even came from. I was grabbing coffee near downtown Chicago this morning—just one of those quiet, early starts—and I found myself drifting off into these deep thoughts about the path I've taken. It’s all just a series of moments, really. Some big, some tiny, most of them just kind of blending together into this big, beautiful mess. Anyway, just felt like sharing that little bit of headspace. Life is wild, isn't it?

DIO 1:
So, this is my life. Honestly, maybe things aren't exactly where they should be right now, you know? It feels like everywhere you look lately, it's just constant noise—everyone's pushing these obnoxious, flashy ads at you, just endless static and clutter. I think it’s finally time for me to pull myself together, get back on my feet, and leave the drugs in the rearview mirror for good.
Maybe I’ve made some wrong turns along the way—mistakes I really shouldn't have made—and honestly, life has been hitting me pretty hard lately. It feels like I've just been getting knocked down. At the end of the day, I’m just an ordinary guy looking for a bit of normalcy, you know? Just someone trying to find some peace after missing out on so many opportunities. And the nightmares... man, they're tough. They get so intense they feel like they're actually stealing my breath away. So, I'm just sitting here, dusting off the old stuff, wiping the slate clean, and trying to start over from scratch. One step at a time.
It feels like things are shifting around, you know? Like there's all this movement, but deep down, nothing actually changes. It’s funny how that works. You can go through all these motions, making a lot of noise, but if you aren't actually pulling any levers or flipping any switches to make a real difference, then honestly, you haven't really done anything at all. It's just spinning your wheels.

I was thinking about that bit from earlier... just kind of sitting here with my coffee, watching the rain hit the window, and it crossed my mind. You know how it is when you're trying to connect the dots on something? It’s like that one time I tried to fix the sink in my apartment in Chicago—spent three hours thinking it was a pipe issue only to realize I hadn't even turned the water on. Anyway, regarding what Refren said...

Writing rhymes always takes me right back... it’s funny how that works. It brings up all those old memories, every single detour I ever took, and all those long years spent just waiting for things to finally happen.
I don't know, I feel like I'm just spinning my wheels lately. It’s getting really hard to keep pushing forward when everything feels so heavy. I guess I'm just looking for some kind of sign, you know? Like a little nudge from the universe to let me know things are going to be okay, because honestly, life isn't exactly easy right now.
Tomorrow’s a whole new day. Who knows? Maybe I finally pull off that big dream I’ve been nursing, or maybe it’s just a fresh start, a chance to reset everything. Or... hey, maybe this is it. Maybe this is the grand finale. Just one foot in front of the other, right?

I was just sitting here thinking about that whole situation from earlier... you know, the one everyone's talking about? It’s funny how things work out sometimes. I remember back when I was living in Chicago, I had this weird feeling about a local election, and looking back, I should have seen it coming. Anyway, regarding DIO 2... it's interesting. Just something to chew on while I finish this coffee.

I still find myself thinking about that inner voice—you know, the one that’s supposed to steer you toward the right path? For some reason, my brain just refuses to process the good advice. It’s like I’m hardwired to ignore the light and take a sharp left turn straight into the shadows instead. It happens more often than I'd like to admit.
The road ahead feels endless, honestly. Like, I’m just standing here in this heavy darkness, staring down a long stretch of highway, waiting for the sun to finally come up, but it feels like morning is never actually going to arrive. It’s a weird feeling. My whole life feels like it's stuck in this shadow right now, where all those big dreams I used to have just kind of... fade away. They get lost in the fog, you know? Just drifting off until they aren't there anymore.
Hey everyone, you know... sometimes I just sit back and think about how much I wish I could actually fly through time. It sounds crazy, right? But man, if I could just loop back and grab those perfect little moments again, I would. It’s funny how that works—you don't really grasp the weight of what you had until it’s already slipped through your fingers. Just one of those things, I guess.

Refren:

Writing rhymes really brings everything back to me... all those old paths I took, the sudden turns, and all those long years spent just waiting for things to happen.
I honestly feel like I’m hitting a wall right now. I just can't seem to find the momentum to keep pushing forward... I guess I'm just looking for some kind of sign, you know? Life isn't exactly easy lately. It feels heavy. Just... heavy.
Tomorrow’s a whole new day. Who knows? Maybe I’ll finally pull off that big dream I've been chasing, or maybe it's just the start of a massive fresh chapter. Or... hey, maybe this is it. Maybe this is the finish line. It's all wide open.

I was just sitting here thinking about that whole situation from earlier... you know, how things always seem to spiral when nobody's looking. It’s funny, actually. I remember back when I was living in Chicago, I had this one neighbor who would spend hours every single day meticulously organizing his spice rack by scent rather than alphabetically. Just totally lost in the process. It felt peaceful, in a weird way, but also kind of chaotic if you think about it too long. Anyway, regarding the third part of the discussion—it feels like we're hitting that point where everything starts to overlap. It’s like when you’re driving down a long stretch of highway in the Midwest and the landscape just stays the same for miles, making you wonder if you've actually moved at all. You feel like you're making progress, but the scenery doesn't change. I’m curious what everyone else thinks about the direction this is heading. Is it moving toward a resolution, or are we just circling the drain? I don't have a strong opinion either way, I'm just observing the flow of it all. It's interesting to watch how the pieces fit together, or don't fit together, as we go along. Just food for thought while I finish my coffee.

When I finally head out, just let me fade from your memory. Honestly, my life feels like it’s just draining away bit by bit. I get this heavy feeling when I think about what's ahead—just worrying about the future and all the stuff coming my way. It feels like even when there's good stuff right in front of me, it somehow just slips right through my fingers.
I’m just so exhausted lately that I can barely keep moving through the day. It feels like I'm running on empty, you know? But hey, maybe one day I'll finally get things figured out and actually build a life that feels good. One step at a time, I guess.
It feels like I'm finally heading off into that great silence, just drifting away, and honestly? It’s making me look back on all those final, fleeting moments of this life. Just sort of... passing through them.
The sky just went dark on me... It feels like my whole life is flashing before my eyes right now. Every single moment I’ve ever lived, all those mistakes I made, everything I let slip through my fingers—it’s all hitting me at once. Honestly, it felt like I just drifted right out of my own body for a second.

I was just sitting here thinking about that whole situation with Refren... you know, it’s funny how things work out sometimes. It reminds me of this one time I was driving through Chicago, just stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic on the Kennedy, and I realized how much we rely on these specific systems without even blinking. We just assume everything is going to run smoothly, right? But then you look at the details. Anyway, I was looking back at what was said earlier, and honestly, it’s worth a second thought. Just something to chew on while you're having your morning coffee.

Writing rhymes always brings everything back to me... all those old paths I took, every single wrong turn, and those long, long years just waiting around for something to happen.
I don't know how much longer I can keep pushing through this. Honestly, I feel like I just need some kind of sign from the universe, because let’s be real—life isn't exactly easy right now. It’s been one thing after another lately. I was sitting there this morning, just staring at my coffee, thinking about how heavy everything feels. Sometimes you just hit a wall and wonder if there's a reason to keep grinding. Just looking for a little bit of light in all this.
Tomorrow’s a whole new day. Who knows? Maybe I’ll finally make that big dream happen, or maybe I'll get the fresh start I've been looking for. Or... hey, maybe this is just the end of the road for me. Just one of those thoughts, I guess. One foot in front of the other.

Song 2:

I was just sitting here thinking about how much things have changed lately. It’s funny, isn't it? You look back at how we used to handle certain situations versus now, and it’s like looking at two different worlds. I remember this one time back in high school—just a random Tuesday, nothing special—when I realized that the way people communicate has shifted so much. Everything feels faster, more immediate, yet somehow more disconnected at the same time. Anyway, I don't mean to ramble too much, but my mind just wanders sometimes. I was just reflecting on the general vibe of everything right now. It's all very interesting to observe, really. Just food for thought while I sip my coffee.

I can't quite get started because there isn't any text here to work with! Just send over the first part whenever you're ready, and I'll dive right in. Looking forward to it!
Rhymes just keep swirling around my head and spilling onto the page, but man, I’m really struggling to find the flow. I'm trying so hard to piece together a decent song here. Part of me thinks it might actually turn out to be something special, but I don't want to get ahead of myself—I'd hate to talk it up only to have it fall flat. Honestly, I'm reaching the end of this verse and I am absolutely exhausted. I've had this pounding headache all day long that just won't quit. I think I'm going to call it a night and try to catch some sleep; hopefully, I'll feel a bit more human in the morning. I'll stare down at that blank sheet again tomorrow, though right now, the rhymes are slipping through my fingers and I can't even remember what I was originally going to call this thing.

I was just sitting here thinking about things, you know? Just one of those slow mornings where the coffee hits right and your mind starts wandering through all these different ideas. It’s funny how a single thought can trigger such a long chain of reflections. I mean, sometimes you just want to sit back and process everything without any pressure, just letting the pieces fall into place at their own pace. Anyway, I was just reflecting on that... just some random thoughts crossing my mind while I watch the world go by.
Please, man, just wake up... I’m so sorry to be bugging you at this hour, really I am. But something terrible happened, and honestly, who knows what kind of disaster is waiting around the corner next? He actually looked me in the eye and said, "I can't go on, you need to save yourself." But forget that nonsense. I'm not going anywhere without you.

Part two:
I just had that old rhyme pop back into my head—you know, the one where you hear those same lyrics drifting through the radio waves? It goes something like this: My rhymes all escaped into someone else's mind... then there’s a knock at the door, surely it’s my best man. I swing the door open, only to find some faceless guy with a bird perched on his shoulder. I ask him, "Hey man, what's your deal?" and he just looks at me and says, "You're coming home with me!" Honestly, it's such a weird little mental loop, reminds me of that one time I was driving through Chicago and heard a song that just hit me with all that nostalgia out of nowhere. Just one of those strange, fleeting moments, I guess.
He led me off into this pitch-black spot, and I remember asking him, "Hey, you got any light around here?" My palms were all sweaty—kind of clammy, actually—and then suddenly, out of nowhere, these massive stage lights just kick in. Blinding. A whole stage materialized right in front of me, and he just shouts at the top of his lungs, "It’s never too late for you!"
I stepped up to the mic, caught the spotlight, and just let the rhyme fly:

I was just sitting here thinking about how things shift over time, you know? It’s funny how certain things stay exactly the same while everything else feels like it's spinning out of control. I remember back when I was living in Chicago, I used to spend hours just watching the traffic on Michigan Avenue, wondering where everyone was actually headed. Sometimes life feels a bit like that—just a series of movements without a clear destination. Anyway, I was looking at some old notes today and it reminded me of a conversation I had a while back. It's all about perspective, really. Just one of those quiet, wandering thoughts that hits you out of nowhere.
Please, just wake up... please, man. I’m so sorry to be calling you at this hour, really, I am. But something terrible happened—a total disaster—and honestly, who knows what kind of mess is coming our way next? He actually looked me in the eye and said, "I can't go on, you need to save yourself." But forget that. Forget all that. I'm not leaving without you. Not a chance.

Part three:
Thousands of people were just standing there, waiting for the beat to drop, when suddenly that piercing siren cuts through everything. I couldn't see a single thing—just this massive wall of smoke swallowing the stage. I was trying my best to stay calm, shouting into the mic, telling everyone, "Hey, just relax, it’s all going to be okay," you know? But man, it was chaos. People were scattering everywhere like ants, just panicking, and that smoke... it was starting to choke everyone out.
I wake up and honestly, for a second there, I’m convinced the whole thing was just some wild dream. I look out the window, expecting everything to be different, but nope—it’s just another beautiful, sunny day out here in the States. Then I see my brother just sitting there on the front porch, relaxing like he always does, and I can't help but think to myself, "Man, I would never, ever let you go."

I was just sitting here thinking about Refren... you know, that feeling when you're just wandering through life and you hit one of those moments where everything feels slightly off-kilter? It’s like being stuck in a bit of a Dilemma. I remember this one time back in Chicago—well, maybe it wasn't exactly Chicago, but it felt like it—where I was trying to navigate this massive intersection during rush hour. Everything was moving, but nothing was quite making sense. Just a lot of noise and constant motion without any real direction. Anyway, I can't quite put my finger on why it's been on my mind lately. Just one of those random, drifting thoughts that pops up while you're sipping coffee and staring out the window. Life is funny like that, isn't it? One minute you're fine, the next you're pondering the deep stuff.
Please, wake up... seriously, man, please just wake up. I am so sorry for calling you at this hour, really, I am. But things have gone sideways in the worst way possible, and honestly, who knows what kind of disaster is waiting around the corner next? He actually looked me in the eye and told me, "I can't do this anymore, just look out for yourself." But how am I supposed to do that? Forget that. I’m not going anywhere without you.

I was just sitting here thinking about that third track on the album... you know the one? It’s funny how certain songs just hit differently depending on what kind of mood you're in. I remember playing it back when I was driving through the suburbs of Chicago last summer—just cruising with the windows down, nothing really on my mind, just enjoying the breeze. There's something about the way that melody builds up. It doesn't rush you. It’s very deliberate. Almost like a slow conversation. Anyway, I can't stop humming that bridge. It’s stuck in my head!

Honestly, it feels like certain parts of downtown Detroit have just become complete hubs for dealers—you know, the whole cycle of weed, heroin, and cocaine. There are these dark, sketchy side streets that feel so heavy and mysterious, almost like they’re hiding things from the world. It's one of those areas where you get the sense the local police just steer clear because the drug crime and street prostitution are running rampant. I remember walking near one of those blocks once and just feeling this immediate urge to pick up my pace and find a well-lit corner. It's pretty intense.

It used to be such a different place, you know? A real hub for athletes, artists, and intellectuals—people who actually built things. Now, it feels like everyone is just looking for ways to screw each other over. Corruption has taken such a firm hold that it honestly feels like there’s no way out anymore. It’s pretty heavy when you think about it. I remember hearing stories about how this area used to be a powerhouse of American manufacturing, churning out heavy machinery, tanks, and rocket launchers like nothing else. But today? Those massive industrial plants are just hollowed-out shells. They’re nothing more than abandoned warehouses where shady stuff happens behind closed doors. It's a real shame to see that kind of decline.

It’s like this small town that’s about to hit a major milestone, you know? A big anniversary coming up. But man, in these places, everyone just spends their time messing with local government, and then suddenly, out of nowhere, the cops are knocking on your door. It’s the same deal here with the auto theft rings—it's become such a massive thing because, honestly, when people can't find real work, staying alive becomes the only priority. And those car theft syndicates? They're run by the heaviest hitters in the criminal underworld, mostly because those guys have the most drive for that kind of chaos.

The new guy took over from the old boss, and honestly, he was actually pretty decent, but things just aren't clicking. We need to clean up the management a bit and swap out the director. It’s like that local minor league team back in my hometown—you know, the kind where nobody really cares? There isn't any real fan base, and let's be real, when you don't even have a solid roster of players, what are you even going to do? Everything is just falling apart, so it feels like the best move is to just pack up and head for the exit.

You can play all the games you want, but honestly, you’re asking for trouble if you haven't got any sense. It’s like trying to run a business without knowing the basics—unless you’re running some shady back-alley club in a place like Detroit where anything goes, you’re just asking for a headache. Everything is up for grabs these days if you’ve got the cash on hand. Even the way people get things has changed; nobody does the old-school handshake deals anymore. Nowadays, it’s all handled through encrypted emails. The good old ways are pretty much dead.

It’s not like there isn't money out there floating around—I mean, just look at the people around me. There's plenty of it if you know where to look. Honestly, I think the American hip-hop scene is going to be absolutely massive in a few years; it’s getting louder every day, and it's only going to get clearer from here. At the end of the day, everyone has what they need. Everyone who dares to go on those wild, crazy adventures... they find their way.

Song 4:

I don't have any text to work with yet! Please provide the first part you want me to rewrite, and I'll get right on it—keeping that specific, rambling, upbeat vibe while making sure everything sounds like it's happening right here in the States.
He’s just sitting there all by himself in the corner of the house, shivering from the cold, trying to come up with a title for his new song.
It feels like he’s being squeezed from every single direction lately. Honestly, life just seems to be throwing one thing after another at him, and the problems are starting to branch out in every direction. It's like once one thing goes wrong, three more follow right on its heels.
He spends his nights tossing and turning, just crying into his pillow and feeling like he’s totally alone in this world. It's like he's convinced that nobody out there actually cares about him.
It’s just such a heavy situation... his dad is constantly hitting him, you know? It’s gotten to the point where he was basically forced out of his own house, and now he's having to go stay with someone else just to have a place to sleep. It's heartbreaking to think about.
He’s become hardened now, really tough, won't let anyone mess with him.
Walking through the streets of a new city, he writes his rhymes, wondering when life will finally take a leap forward—when that day will actually come where his dream becomes reality.

Chorus:
Sing through the years; life is as shaky as a stack of dominoes, one little breeze could knock it all down.
When everything feels like it’s over, don't lose hope, because you'll wake up again, and God will be there to cheer you on, acting as that inner voice guiding your steps while watching over you from above...

Second Verse:
His lyrics are going to live forever, carrying his name within them.
Now, through his songs, he tells the story of what happened before, making sure nothing is ever forgotten.
The things he couldn't say to someone's face, or maybe was too afraid to say, he pours out through his rhymes; now, "gangster" is his new identity.
There's no more fear of fighting those who just don't get him; he's just done with all of it.
If you ask him something, you better have an answer, or he might snap—he isn't the man he used to be. He wasn't supposed to turn to this, he wasn't supposed to lose his faith in God, or give himself up to the drug scene.

Chorus:
Sing through the years; life is as shaky as a stack of dominoes, one little breeze could knock it all down.
When everything feels like it’s over, don't lose hope, because you'll wake up again, and God will be there to cheer you on, acting as that inner voice guiding your steps while watching over you from above...

Third Verse:
A weeping mother searches the city for him, still clinging to hope, praying she’ll see her son just around the next corner, hoping a stray bullet hasn't already taken him.
If she finds him, she’ll have to hide him from his father; she knows there isn't enough money to feed him, but she'll do anything to protect him from this cruel life.
Her tearful eyes dart left and right, searching for any sign that leads back to him, as tears fall onto the patches of snow.
Her frozen hands, worn by so much hardship, are already trembling from the cold as she whispers her son's name under her breath. An exhausted mother collapses into the thick snow, letting a piece of bread slip from her hand.

Chorus:
Sing through the years; life is as shaky as a stack of dominoes, one little breeze could knock it all down.
When everything feels like it’s over, don't lose hope, because you'll wake up again, and God will be there to cheer you on, acting as that inner voice guiding your steps while watching over you from above...

Fourth Verse:
The son spots his mother lying in the snow; he rushes to her and holds her tight, knowing she’s the only thing in this world that truly matters to him.
He carries her home and wraps her in a warm, soft blanket.
The father tried to strike him again, but the son pulled a knife from his coat, lunged at him, and sent him to the great beyond—from then on, he and his mother lived happily.

Chorus:
Sing through the years; life is as shaky as a stack of dominoes, one little breeze could knock it all down.
When everything feels like it’s over, don't lose hope, because you'll wake up again, and God will be there to cheer you on, acting as that inner voice guiding your steps while watching over you from above...

This last one is incredible. If I were you, I’d call it a FAIRY TALE. Maybe that's what it should be called...

I’d probably call the first one a Dilemma.

Everything looks like a perfect 10 to me—though I have a habit of getting a bit too carried away with things—so maybe someone else could give you a more objective take... but for me, this is WAY
too much.

Sean Lee7 said:That last one is killer. Honestly, if I were you, I’d just call it "Fairytale." Maybe that's the name?

Thanks for the input, man! I hadn't actually come up with a name yet, but you just sparked a great idea... let's go with Fairytale. You really think it hits the mark though?

Top tier

Jackass really nailed that song 🙏 Jealousy 😢

it's just wild how much the internet connects us all—honestly, pretty cool stuff

I’d probably call the third one MY CITY THEN AND NOW🙏

Have you ever messed around with music production software before? If you decide to dive into that, my advice would be to stick with some kind of minimalist setup—just so you don't lose the very thing that makes your songs hit home in the first place, which is... honestly? That raw sincerity.

Samuel Murphy6 said:I’d probably go with something like MY TOWN THEN AND NOW🙏

Have you ever messed around with music production software before? If you decide to dive in, my advice is to stick to a minimalist setup. You don't want all those extra layers drowning out the soul of your tracks—honestly, the most important thing is keeping that raw sincerity alive.

Thanks, man.... That name works too. 😉
Thanks for the comment...

Yeah, I’ve played around with Magix Studio a bit... I actually have my first track recorded if you're interested in hearing it. I can send it over via DM. 😉

gentlepuma20 said:I’d probably call the first one DILEMMA.

Honestly, I’d give all of them a perfect 10, but I have this habit of getting way too deep into things, you know? Like, maybe someone else could give a more balanced take... but for me, this is WAY

So why do you think that name fits? Could you walk me through your thinking a bit?
The first one is already titled "My Life," but I’m totally open to renaming it since your suggestion is actually pretty solid—if you wouldn't mind explaining the reasoning behind it, pleaseeeee

Since the lyrics kind of dance between the extremes—like, whether to keep going or just call it quits—it feels like a real Dilemma... but since that word is already taken, maybe "uncertainty" fits better. 😉

gentlepuma20 said:Since the lyrics kind of bounce back and forth between opposites—like whether to keep going or just call it quits—it really feels like a Dilemma... but since there's already a song called "Dilemma" out there, maybe "Uncertainty" works better. 😉

Hey, thanks so much! That is such a fantastic suggestion... honestly, a great idea... THANK YOU!!!
It sounds way better than "My Life"... Thanks again!

P.S. To everyone else, could you please give me some feedback? I need to know if I should pull the trigger on booking studio time or not... Most importantly, please be honest. If you think it sucks, just say so! I won't get offended; I actually need to know if the songs are good or bad so I can make the right call...
Also, if you wouldn't mind, could you rate each track individually like this:
Song 1, rating x
Song 2, rating x
Song 3, rating x
Song 4, rating x

THANKS!

Honestly, most rap lyrics are just absolute garbage... you basically just scribble down whatever rhymes on the page and call it a day. Nobody actually gives a damn about substance or actual meaning, and frankly, nobody seems to care about the music itself either...

Paul Mitchell98 said:Honestly, most rap lyrics are pretty trash anyway. You just scribble down whatever rhymes and call it a day. Most rappers don't give a damn about actual depth or musicality, they just want the rhyme to hit.

Look, people say you shouldn't argue about taste, which I get, but if you actually sat down and listened to my tracks, you’d see that making sure a "rhyme hits" isn't even my main focus... These songs are my life, really. It's me pouring myself out onto the page, and the rhyming part? That just kind of happens naturally along the way...
For me, the message behind the words is everything. It’s easily one of the biggest factors in why I write at all...

P.S. Come on guys, just give my songs a listen and let me know what you think. It wouldn't kill you to leave a rating... Please 🙏

I’ve spent quite some time immersed in reading and writing poetry... I don't know the first thing about writing rap lyrics, but surely it can't be any harder than standard verse, so I suppose I'll offer some criticism if you don't mind

1. song

subjective rating: a disaster

even by the first stanza, it's obvious your vocabulary is thin as a sheet... you're constantly recycling the same words, nothing with stylistic flair, just tired, worn-out phrases, like "a new day dawned"
for God's sake, every second song seems to have a line like that
and there are things unacceptable in serious poetry, for instance, pairing "beginning" and "end" in a rhyme... obviously, you realize how much that sounds like a nursery rhyme, given the stresses, the syllable counts, and the rest of the line... all in all, it creates a catastrophically pathetic text
you also pair "start" and "turn" in a rhyme, all wrapped up in an incredibly shallow expression... it simply doesn't reach a respectable level of poetry
the theme is also far too monotonous
and it's cliché
I won't comment further on this one

2. song

subjective rating: decent

well, this second song is not poorly conceived, though the execution could have been better... but then, nobody is perfect
I like the theme (a beautifully imagined dream that holds its own meaning in reality), but the word choice could improve
I should note that you repeated the same vocabulary errors found in the first poem... now, I don't know how that would sound in a rap song because my interest in rap is about as high as Barack Obama's interest in Taylor Swift, but reading it like this creates a certain pathos without any actual depth
this song is considerably deeper than the first, though still not deep enough... you have room for growth, though there are a few obscure words whose meanings only you seem to know, and well...
not bad

3. song

subjective rating: almost bad

this song is a song without any point whatsoever
you start a story about some city but provide no thought regarding it, aside from a few mindless facts about drugs, crime, occupations, etc.
if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't dare hand this text to a serious editor, because they'd terminate any cooperation with you immediately, haha...
work a bit more on the essence of the poem
what actually drove you to write that poem?
write a little about that...
not just about drugs and crime, which half the population obsesses over these days

and that line "all who are madness adventures..." doesn't fit
I assume you meant something like "everyone who is crazy for adventure," but it turned out to be literarily and intellectually incorrect... but whatever. If you want this kind of poetic license, go ahead, because I know from experience how literary rules are bypassed when a rhythmically sound line hits the ear

4. song

subjective rating: the best of the four

so...
I like the narrative
I really do, because there's a lesson involved, contained traumas, causes and effects... the chronology is there and all that
my only concern is perhaps that some lines might not land correctly, so I hope you tried rapping them to see if they actually flow
again, I'm telling you, I know nothing about rap... I suppose you rappers know better how it works in reality

all in all, you have two good songs... not perfect, but okay, probably good for rap since it's clear rap lyrics are much shallower than other genres (except pop songs), so I think there's hope for you

Paul Mitchell98 said:I've been spending quite a bit of my free time reading and writing poetry for a while now. I don't know the first thing about writing rap lyrics, honestly, but I figure it can't be any harder than standard poetry. So, if you don't mind, I'll offer a little critique here.

Song 1

My take: a total disaster

Right from the very first verse, it's pretty obvious your vocabulary is thin. You tend to lean on the same words over and over—nothing stands out stylistically, and some phrases just feel incredibly cliché, like using "a new day dawned."
Man, seriously, every other line feels like it’s repeating a similar sentiment.
And there are things here that just wouldn't fly in serious poetry. For instance, rhyming "beginning" with "end"—it sounds like a nursery rhyme because of the emphasis, the syllable count, and how the rest of the line falls. All in all, it creates this terribly pathetic vibe.
You also rhyme "start" with "depart," which just adds to that shallow feeling. It really doesn't reach a high level of songwriting.
The theme itself is way too repetitive, too.
And just plain tired.
I won't go any further on this one.

Song 2

My take: solid

Now, this second song is actually pretty well thought out. The execution could have been better, sure, but hey, nobody's perfect.
I liked the concept—this beautifully imagined dream that carries weight in reality—though the word choice could definitely be sharpened up.
I did notice you were falling into those same vocabulary traps as the first song. Now, I'm not sure how that would land in a rap track since I'm about as interested in rap as I am in watching Barack Obama give a lecture on gardening, but reading it like this, it feels a bit melodramatic without much depth.
This one is much deeper than the first, even if it hasn't fully hit that mark yet. There's room to grow. Also, there are a few obscure words in there where it feels like you're the only one who knows what they mean, so... yeah.
Not bad.

Song 3

My take: almost bad

This song just lacks a point. It doesn't really go anywhere.
You start telling a story about some city, but you don't actually provide any insight or thought regarding it, aside from a few generic lines about drugs, crime, jobs, and stuff like that.
If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't dare hand this text to a serious editor; they'd probably cut ties with me immediately, haha.
Work a little more on the core essence of the poem.
What actually drove you to write this particular song?
Write more about that.
Don't just stick to the usual tropes of drugs and crime that everyone seems preoccupied with these days.

Also, that line "everyone who is adventure crazy..." just feels misplaced.
I assume you meant something like "all those who crave adventure," but the way it's phrased is grammatically and conceptually off. But hey, if you want to take poetic license, go for it. I know from experience that people will forgive breaking the rules if the rhythm hits just right.

Song 4

My take: the best of the four

Alright, now we're talking.
I like the story.
I really do, because there's a lesson involved. You've got trauma, cause and effect, a clear timeline... it's all there.
My only concern is that some lines might not flow naturally when spoken, so I hope you've tried rapping them out loud to see if they actually work.
Again, I don't know anything about rap, so you rappers probably know the deal better than I do.

All in all, you've got two good songs here. They aren't perfect, but they're decent—maybe even good for rap, since rap lyrics are usually much shallower than other genres (except maybe pop songs), so I think there's definitely potential here.

That's exactly what a colleague should do!!! I love it when someone takes the time to explain what works and what doesn't. Thanks for the suggestions; I'll definitely keep them in mind when I sit down to write my next song.
One more massive THANK YOU! 👍

P.S. I didn't actually write that third song myself—a good buddy of mine penned it and asked if I could share it alongside this. I really hope your feedback helps him out just as much as it's helped me. 😉

Man, I’d give anything to actually get my hands on some poetry from Paul Mitchell98 🙏 🙏 :S 🙏

Adam Moore said:Man, I’d give anything to get my hands on some of Paul Mitchell98’s poetry 🙏 🙏 :S 🙏

Just ask him! He might even send it over via DM on the Democratic Party app. Honestly, he seems like a really great guy. 😉

If anyone’s actually interested... just reach out. Let me know if you want poetry in English or American... and I'll get some
sent your way...

Someone’s definitely gonna call me an American chauvinist for saying this, if they haven't already.

boldjackal10 said:Someone’s bound to steal this if they haven't already.

Nah, man, it's not happening. This stuff is under copyright by Amazon studios because the filming rights for this material are already locked in. Any illegal copying of these texts will be handled through legal channels. 😉 👍