Support resources for families dealing with cancer and other serious illnesses

So, my theory is she knew something was going on with her breast much longer than she let on.
For starters, during those last two years, she refused to go anywhere near the beach, even though she used to spend at least a month there every single year.

Beyond that, I remember her mentioning pain in her right arm well before any swelling or visible changes appeared... but of course, she just brushed it off as work stress or exhaustion.

Basically, my take is that she’s been aware of *some* kind of issue for a long time—maybe four or five years, maybe even more.
But hey, she chose to do absolutely nothing about it.

I think that’s actually the worst part of this whole mess. She demands 110% care and attention that only I can provide, yet on the flip side, she’s fully aware of the situation. She's cognitively sharp enough regarding herself and everyone else that you can't honestly claim she didn't know what she was doing.
As far as I'm concerned, it's passive suicide.
Some people jump in front of a train, some leap from bridges, some overdose, or pull a trigger.
My mother decided to commit suicide via breast cancer.
How much do you have to hate yourself—and everyone else—to do this to yourself (and to me and Dad, since we're both suffering through this nightmare right now)? It's unbelievable.
I always knew my parents were a bit crazy, but this level... wow...

Lymphatic drainage isn't even an option because the tumor is too large; there's simply no lymph flow left to drain.
And they can't even perform surgery because the mass is too big and her body is in too poor of a state to handle it. Plus, since so much has broken through the surface, there isn't even enough healthy skin left to close the wound if they were to cut anything out.

briskdrifter2 said:So, my theory is she’s been aware of *some kind* of issue for a long time—maybe four or five years, maybe even longer.
But she just chose to do absolutely nothing about it.

I think that’s actually the worst part of this whole mess. She demands 110% care and attention that I’m the only one left to provide, yet on the flip side, she knows exactly what’s going on. She’s cognitively present enough to understand her impact on herself and everyone else that you can't honestly claim she doesn't realize what she's doing.
As far as I'm concerned, this is passive suicide.
Some people jump in front of a train, some off a bridge, some take poison or pull a trigger.
My mother decided to kill herself with breast cancer.
Just how much do you have to hate yourself and the people around you to do this to yourself—and to me and my dad, since we're both suffering through this hell right now? It's unbelievable.
I always knew my parents were crazy, but this level of it... wow.

It isn't about suicide; it's about the mentality prevalent in our culture. If you deny something exists, then it simply doesn't exist—that's the mindset. You only face the reality when things become completely unbearable and you're forced into a confrontation with the problem. In America, cancer is often treated like a deep-seated taboo. It's the ultimate bogeyman, the massive evil that people refuse to talk about, always happening to "someone else," usually targeting the most vulnerable people who end up suffering the most along with their families.

Your mother needs proper palliative care. Unfortunately, getting that kind of support here can be an uphill battle because we just don't have enough specialized facilities. You've basically been left to fend for yourselves using whatever resources you can scrape together. Try looking into home health nursing for her. Talk to her primary care doctor and see if you can coordinate something together.
Hang in there. 😢

Unfortunately, I’ve ended up on this thread too.
It involves a family member (my mother-in-law's father), who just got his results back today. He's a total wreck right now. He's flat-out refusing any talk of surgery because he has heart issues, and he’s convinced he won't make it off the operating table. (He's also a very difficult person to deal with in general, but that's a whole different conversation.)
He mentioned the doctor brought up both surgery and radiation, but said he needs to get clearance from his cardiologist first.

So, I was wondering if anyone could help me make sense of these results? How serious is this situation, really?
(Sorry if I'm posting in the wrong place.)

D: Prostate Adenocarcinoma
Six partially fragmented tissue cylinders, ranging from 0.5 to 1.2 cm in length.
Histologically, this is prostate tissue where the cylinders are infiltrated by a tumor composed of small, irregular glandular formations lined with atypical cuboidal epithelial cells featuring prominent nucleoli.
The tumorous glands are coalescing.
One of the cylinders also shows areas of high-grade intraepithelial neoplasia.
In the remaining two cylinders, there are sparse prostatic glands within the fibromuscular stroma, lined by epithelium without atypia and with a preserved basal cell layer.

Six partially fragmented tissue cylinders, ranging from 0.6 to 1.2 cm in length.
Histologically, this is prostate tissue where sparse to moderate numbers of prostatic glands are found within the fibromuscular stroma, lined by epithelium without atypia and with a preserved basal cell layer.

The findings under D correspond to a Gleason score of 7 (3+4) prostate adenocarcinoma.
Tumor tissue occupies between 10% and 80% of the positive cylinders.

Maria Gomez77 said:Unfortunately, I'm joining this thread too.
It’s about a family member (my father-in-law) who just got his results back today. He’s absolutely reeling and is refusing to even consider surgery because he has heart disease; he's convinced he won't make it off the operating table. (He's also a notoriously difficult person to deal with, but that's a whole different conversation.)
He mentioned that his doctor brought up the possibility of surgery and radiation, but first, he needs to get clearance from his cardiologist.

So, I was wondering if anyone could help explain these results and tell me how serious this actually is.
(Sorry if I'm in the wrong place.)

D: Prostate Adenocarcinoma
Six partially fragmented tissue cores ranging from 0.5 to 1.2 cm in length.
Histologically, this is prostate tissue where four of the cores are infiltrated by a tumor composed of small, irregular glandular formations lined with atypical cuboidal epithelial cells featuring prominent nucleoli.
The tumorous glands are coalescing.
One of the cores also shows high-grade intraepithelial neoplasia.
In the remaining two cores, sparse prostatic glands are found within the fibromuscular stroma, lined by epithelium without atypia and with a preserved basal cell layer.

Six partially fragmented tissue cores ranging from 0.6 to 1.2 cm.
Histologically, this is prostate tissue where sparse to moderate numbers of prostatic glands are found within the fibromuscular stroma, lined by epithelium without atypia and with a preserved basal cell layer.

The findings under D correspond to a Gleason score 7 (3+4) prostate adenocarcinoma.
Tumor tissue occupies between 10% and 80% of the positive cores.

From what I can gather as a layperson, the situation looks manageable since there are no metastases. I don't know how old my father-in-law is, but based on what happened with my late uncle, if surgery is an option, he should definitely take it. My uncle lived with this diagnosis for 20 years. He eventually passed away from old age at 94. During those two decades, he took chemotherapy and went in for procedures with Dr. Trnski at the local hospital to clear out new growths, and he kept living his life.
He really needs to talk to his cardiologist. These days, anesthesia technology has come so far that even patients with heart issues can often handle it without major complications. It would be a shame to let the disease spread and cut his life short if he actually has a real shot at many more high-quality years.

Angela Wright said:From what I can gather as a layperson, the situation seems fixable since there aren't any metastases. I don't know how old your father-in-law is, but based on what happened with my late uncle, if surgery is an option, it really should be done. My uncle lived with that diagnosis for 20 years. He eventually passed away from old age at 94. During those two decades, he took chemotherapy and went in for surgeries with Dr. Trnski at Mount Sinai Hospital to clear out new growths, and he just kept living his life.
He definitely needs to talk to a cardiologist, though. These days, anesthesia is advanced enough that patients in his condition can handle it without much trouble. It would be such a shame to let the disease spread and cut his life short if there's a real chance for him to have more good years ahead.

Angela Wright, thank you so much for the reply.
I did a little Googling myself, and it also feels like treatment could be successful (at least looking at other people's experiences with similar results).
The urologist told him to see an oncologist, but right now he’s just in that phase where he says, "I'm finished anyway," so it’ll be a win if I can actually convince him to go.
He’s 72, and he’s convinced that surgery would do more harm than good—he even told his doctor that. Because of that, they mentioned radiation might be an option if he refuses to go under the knife.
We'll just have to see what the oncologist says.

Sometimes I find myself coming back to this topic (since I'm often on health forums while working on files for my kids, who deal with their own health issues), and reading your posts always leaves me with a lump in my throat.

Hang in there, everyone.🙂

Maria Gomez77 said:Angela Wright, thank you so much for the response.
I did a bit of digging online, and I agree—it looks like treatment could actually be successful (at least based on what others with similar findings have experienced).
His urologist told him he needs to see an oncologist, but right now, he’s just in that headspace where he's basically saying, "I'm done anyway," so the real win will be convincing him to actually show up to the appointment.
He's 72, and he's dead set on the idea that surgery would do more harm than good—he even told his doctor that. Because of that, they mentioned radiation might be an option if he refuses to go under the knife.
We'll just have to see what the oncologist has to say.

I find myself coming back to this topic from time to time (especially since I'm frequently browsing health forums because my kids deal with their own medical issues), and every single time I read your posts, I end up with a lump in my throat.

Hang in there, everyone.🙂

With personalities like his, the best move is to frame things so he feels like he’s reaching the conclusion himself. It’s like saying, "Look, you're a wise man with a lifetime of experience; you don't rush into big decisions. This is heavy stuff, but we know once you've slept on it, you'll feel ready to sit down with the pros—the cardiologist, the surgeon, the oncologist—to hear their take. Once you've heard them out, you'll know exactly how to handle this." Anything else, any kind of direct lecturing, usually just backfires with people like this. You have to give them the space to make their own choices, but sometimes you have to use a little reverse psychology to steer them toward the right path so they don't jump to conclusions too early.

Maria Gomez77 said:Unfortunately, here I am, joining this thread too.
It’s about a family member (my father-in-law) who just got his results back today. He is absolutely spiraling. He is flat-out refusing any thought of surgery because he’s a heart patient, and he’s convinced he’ll just drop dead on the operating table. (Look, he’s a notoriously difficult man to deal with, but that’s a whole other conversation for another day.)
He mentioned that the doctor brought up surgery and radiation, but before anything happens, he needs to get clearance from his cardiologist.

So, I was hoping someone could help me make sense of these results and explain just how serious this situation is.
(Sorry if I’m in the wrong place!)

D: Prostate adenocarcinoma
Six fragmented tissue cores ranging from 0.5 to 1.2 cm in length.
Histologically, this is prostate tissue where four of the cores show infiltration by a tumor composed of small, irregular glandular formations lined with atypical cuboidal epithelial cells featuring prominent nucleoli.
The tumorous glands are confluent.
In one of the cores, there is also evidence of high-grade intraepithelial neoplasia.
In the remaining two cores, sparse prostatic glands lined by epithelium without atypia are found within the fibromuscular stroma, with the basal cell layer remaining intact.

Six fragmented tissue cores ranging from 0.6 to 1.2 cm in length.
Histologically, this is prostate tissue where sparse to moderately numerous prostatic glands, lined by epithelium without atypia and with an intact basal cell layer, are found within the fibromuscular stroma.

The findings in the material under D correspond to a Gleason score 7 (3+4) prostate adenocarcinoma.
The tumor tissue occupies between 10% and 80% of the positive cores.

What are his other diagnoses, and what medications is he currently taking?

Angela Wright said:With people like this, the best move is to frame things so they feel like they’ve reached the conclusion themselves. It’s almost like saying, "Look, you're a wise man with tons of life experience, and you've never been one to rush into big decisions. I know things feel heavy right now, but we're certain that once you get some sleep, you'll realize you need to sit down with the pros—the cardiologist, the surgeon, the oncologist—to hear their take and what they expect. Once you do that, you'll know exactly how to handle the next steps." Anything else, or even trying to give deep advice, usually just backfires with this personality type. You have to give them the space to make their own calls, even if you have to use a little reverse psychology to nudge them toward the right path so they don't jump to conclusions too fast.

You're right—at the end of the day, he's the one who has to decide what's actually best for him.
When we told him last night that he shouldn't just rule out surgery until he actually sits down and talks to the doctors, he got all defensive. He acted like we were just trying to get rid of him or something. Honestly, I just gave up on trying to argue the point.
I honestly think everything is still pretty "fresh" for him. I’m hoping that in a few days, he'll start looking at the whole situation from a different perspective—at least, that's what I'm praying for.

vividsailor7 said:What other diagnoses does he have, and what medications is he currently taking?

Hey, vividsailor7, hope you're doing well!

He’s dealing with angina pectoris, and for his meds, he's taking ISMN Jadran 20 a few times a day, along with Aspirin, Carvetrend, Lipex, and Lacipil.

Maria Gomez77 said:you're absolutely right, he has to be the one to decide what's ultimately best for him
When we told him last night that he shouldn't rule out surgery as an option until he actually sits down and talks to his doctors, he snapped at us! He acted like we were just trying to get rid of him or something. Honestly, I was so fed up that I just gave up on the whole discussion right then and there.
I think it’s all still just too raw for him. Maybe in a few days, he'll approach this with a clearer head—at least, that's what I'm praying for.

vividsailor7, cheers.

He's dealing with angina pectoris and his current meds include ISMN Jadran 20 (taken several times a day), Aspirin, Carvetrend, Lipex, and Lacipil.

Pending a prior consultation with a cardiologist—and since I don't have a full picture of his medical history or the ability to perform an exam—I can say that this shouldn't impact the decision regarding a potential surgical procedure, though there might be slightly elevated risks.

vividsailor7 said:After consulting with a cardiologist beforehand, I can't see the full medical picture or perform an exam, but I'd say this shouldn't affect the decision regarding surgery, though it might slightly bump up the risks.

Thanks for the reply.
Looking at those test results... if he actually turns down the surgery and opts for just radiation, how fast could things take a turn for the worse?

He’s actually pretty active, but he completely ignores everything his cardiologist tells him about diet—he's still eating all this heavy, greasy food. On top of that, he has a massive phobia of hospitals.
(When he saw "Inpatient Treatment" written on his biopsy referral, he just shut down and said he was done with everything and wasn't going.)
It was such a struggle just to convince him he'd be able to head home that same day.
I'm starting to think the diagnosis itself isn't even the biggest hurdle; the real challenge is getting him to listen. But honestly, like Angela Wright said, we have to give him the space to make his own choice. At the end of the day, it's his life and his health.

Maria Gomez77 said:thanks for the reply.
What do you all think regarding his test results? If he actually refuses surgery and insists on just radiation therapy, how fast could this disease progress?

He’s generally quite active, but he completely ignores everything his cardiologist tells him about diet—he just keeps eating heavy, greasy food. On top of that, he is absolutely terrified of hospitals.
(The moment he saw "Inpatient Treatment" written on his biopsy referral, he snapped and said he was done with everything and wasn't going.)
It was a massive struggle just to convince him that he'd be able to head home the very same day.
Honestly, I'm starting to feel like the diagnosis itself is secondary; the real battle is going to be trying to get some discipline out of him. But, like Angela Wright said, we have to give him the space to make his own calls. At the end of the day, it’s his life and his health.

1. How fast? That's a tough call, but if he walks away from surgery, the prognosis isn't looking great.
2. All those medications—especially his blood pressure meds and statins—are basically useless if he won't stick to a proper diet.
But look, he has the right to decide what happens to his own body. You can't force someone into treatment if they aren't willing.

vividsailor7 said:1. How fast? It's hard to say, but the outlook isn't great if he decides against the surgery.
2. All those medications—especially the blood pressure pills and statins—won't do much good if he won't stick to a proper diet.
Still, it's his call. He gets to decide what happens with his own health. You can't force someone to do something they just aren't willing to do.

Thanks so much

Maria Gomez77 said:thanks so much

Don't mention it. Happy to help anytime.

Hi everyone. Unfortunately, I guess I’m joining this conversation too... My grandmother was diagnosed with a kidney tumor, and it’s already metastasized to her liver and lungs. They removed the kidney yesterday, but those metastases are still there, and the doctors are saying chemotherapy won't do much against this specific type of tumor. Right now, the kidney is at pathology, where they'll figure out the exact type of tumor and decide if any kind of therapy is even worth attempting. If they do go the treatment route, they mentioned using so-called "smart pills." I've spent the last few days deep-diving into that term and everything related to this disease, so I'm wondering—will she be getting Sutent? If anyone knows anything about that medication, please let me know. I read it's incredibly expensive, but I saw it listed on the official Medicare site (maybe they just added it recently?). Now I'm just stuck wondering: does Medicare cover the whole thing or just a portion? Regardless, money isn't the issue here; we'd do absolutely anything just to make her feel better. It’s just so strange. One day she was cheerful, strong, doing everything around the house, baking cookies, tending to the garden... and today, she’s lying in Mount Sinai Hospital left to fate. I’m in a total coma myself (along with the rest of the family), and I’ve cried more than I ever thought possible. I need to pull myself together so that when I'm sitting with her, I don't show my fear or my grief. Hang in there, everyone.

Sorry if there are any typos. I'm stuck at work using this ancient keyboard, and honestly, I just don't have the energy to fix them all right now. Peace.

Maria Gomez77, surgery is the right call here because it physically removes the thing causing him all this trouble right now. Radiation might help, but you have to weigh that against his actual quality of life. Between the difficulty urinating, fluid retention, and the risk of metastases... we can't really talk about "quality of life" or a pain-free existence if the treatment just makes his existing illnesses even worse. Try your best to get him to see the doctor so he can hear it straight from the professional after everything has been laid out clearly.
He’ll end up choosing the surgery, mark my words. He’s frustrated now, but most of us have that primal survival instinct buried deep down inside.

darkcrane17 said:Hi everyone, unfortunately, I’m joining this thread too... my grandma was diagnosed with kidney cancer that has already spread to her liver and lungs. They removed the kidney yesterday, but the metastases are still there, and the doctors are saying chemotherapy won't do much for this specific type of tumor. Now the kidney is at pathology so they can figure out the exact type and decide if any therapy is even worth trying. If they do try something, they mentioned using so-called "smart pills"... I've been researching that term and everything related to this disease constantly over the last few days, and I'm wondering if she'll be put on Sutent? If anyone knows anything about that drug, please let me know... I read it's incredibly expensive, but I saw it listed on the Medicare website (maybe they added it recently?). I'm just not sure if they cover the whole cost or just part of it. Regardless, money isn't the issue; we'll do whatever it takes to make her better. It's so strange—just the other day she was cheerful, strong, doing everything around the house, baking cakes, tending the garden... and today she's lying in Mount Sinai Hospital at the mercy of fate. I'm in a state of shock (as is the rest of the family), and I've cried more than I ever thought possible. I need to pull myself together so when I'm with her, I don't show my fear or my grief. Hang in there, everyone!

If her general condition allows for it and the pathology confirms it's renal cell carcinoma, Grandma will have Sutent fully covered by Medicare. As for Sutent itself—if she responds well and doesn't suffer from debilitating side effects—it can slow the progression of the disease or even lead to regression, which directly impacts quality of life. If that happens, she'll be able to go back to being the woman she always was. Don't lose heart!

Hey everyone,

Look, whenever someone posts on this board, you already know things aren't going great...
I’m looking for some insight regarding liver tumors. My father-in-law was just diagnosed with one, and it's bad—he has massive metastases (two are 12 cm, and another is 6 cm). He actually went in for surgery yesterday at the Mayo Clinic. They opened him up, realized they couldn't do anything, and closed him back up... It's just not operable. Now they're sending him home to start radiation. Apparently, he’ll do four sessions, and then they'll reassess how things are moving. They didn't see any metastases in other organs yet, but the doctors mentioned that with tumors this size, it’s almost certain they've spread somewhere else by now.
Has anyone dealt with this? Do you have any idea what the timeline looks like before reaching a terminal stage? And should we go through with the radiation? I can't help but think about how chemo just wipes out everything good and bad inside a person.
On top of all this, he’s dealing with venous thrombosis, so I honestly worry that treatment might just make an already terrible situation even worse. Of course, the final call is his. I guess I’m just trying to figure out what to expect, because it feels like a full recovery isn't really on the table here...

Donna Johnson39 said:Hi everyone,

When someone posts on a thread like this, you already know things aren't going great...
I’m looking for some insight regarding liver tumors. My father-in-law was just diagnosed with a liver tumor and massive metastases (two at 12 cm and one at 6 cm). He was actually at the Mayo Clinic yesterday for surgery, but they ended up opening him up and then just closing him back up... It’s inoperable. They’re sending him home to start radiation. Apparently, he’ll do four sessions, and then they’ll reassess. They didn't spot any metastases in other organs yet, but doctors say that with tumors this size, it’s almost certainly spread elsewhere already.
Does anyone have experience knowing how much time is left before things reach the terminal stage? Should we go through with the radiation or not? I can't help but feel like chemo just wrecks everything—the good and the bad—inside a person.
He’s already dealing with venous thrombosis, so honestly, I worry treatment might just make an already terrible situation worse. Of course, the final call is his. I just want to know what we should be bracing ourselves for, because it feels like a recovery isn't even on the table...

That diagnosis is definitely heavy news. On the bright side, if there truly are no targets in other organs, that's a win. With a disease like this, the prognosis depends entirely on his overall physical condition, which means every secondary health issue becomes a complicating factor. Because of that, it’s impossible to speculate on a timeline, and frankly, obsessing over it won't change the outcome. You have to fight and take every chance available. In my view, radiation seems like a reasonable path forward here. Just take it one step at a time; it sounds like he's in good hands and the medical team actually cares.
The reality we have to face with this, or any cancer diagnosis, is that we aren't talking about a "cure" anymore—we're talking about extending life and maintaining quality of life. Some people get lucky and hit a remission that lasts until they pass away from old age, but they spend their whole lives living under the shadow of a relapse. Cancer is more like diabetes—it's a chronic condition that affects the entire system. The difference is that we've learned how to manage diabetes quite well, whereas we're still struggling to tame cancer, even though there are huge strides being made every day.

Donna Johnson39 said:Hi everyone,

Look, once someone posts on this board, you already know things aren't going great...
I’m looking for some insight regarding liver tumors. My father-in-law was just diagnosed with a liver tumor and massive metastases (two are 12cm, one is 6cm). He was at the Mayo Clinic yesterday for surgery. They opened him up, realized they couldn't do anything, and closed him back up... It's inoperable. Now they're sending him home to start radiation. Apparently, he’ll do four sessions and then they’ll reassess. They didn't see any metastases in other organs yet, but according to their experience, a tumor that size has almost certainly spread elsewhere by now.
Does anyone have experience knowing how much time is left before things reach the terminal stage? Should we go through with the radiation or not? I’m fully aware that chemotherapy just wrecks everything—the good and the bad—inside a person.
On top of all this, he has venous thrombosis, so personally, I feel like treatment might just make an already terrible situation even worse. Of course, the final call is his. I just need to know if anyone knows what we should be expecting, because it looks like recovery isn't even on the table here...

Please list his age, any other diagnoses, the pathology report results if you have them, and all the medications he's currently taking.

My father passed away early this morning at 5:50 a.m.