Support for families dealing with cancer and other serious illnesses (Part II)

My mom is battling lung cancer, and it’s already been a year since the diagnosis... they told me she wouldn't even last that long, but she’s tough, just like all mothers are. Honestly, none of these medical findings mean anything to me anymore; I can see her fading away right in front of my eyes. She can't swallow, she's losing weight so fast—she's down to 43 kg, it’s absolutely devastating... and yet, she still smokes. I know quitting won't save her at this stage, but it feels like she's just throwing away those extra few days we could have had together, you know? Why? I can't wrap my head around it. I find myself getting angry, yelling at her, and then immediately breaking down in tears... Does she not love us? Doesn't she love herself? She tells me to just leave her alone, but how am I supposed to do that? I'm a fighter, and I only have one mother... I catch myself thinking about death because I know it's looming close, yet I try to ignore it because she’s my mom and it just doesn't feel like her time yet... damn those cigarettes!!! I dread every single phone call when I'm not by her side... I only have my people to keep me from losing my mind, but I feel like I'm wasting away day by day... I see so many others going through the exact same thing, trying to find solace in someone else's pain, but in the end, the ache we each carry is so uniquely sharp, so incredibly deep...

Donna Reyes11 said:I can barely type... my fingers are shaking. I'm sitting here at my mom's place, just listening to her breathe. It's overwhelming. I feel like I'm crawling out of my own skin because I don't know how to handle this... what am I supposed to do? I keep thinking this might be one of our last days together, or maybe the one before. And she’ll probably just sleep through it. When I try to take her hand, she pulls away... even a touch feels like too much for her. She just wants to be alone. And honestly, that's okay too.

Dear Christian Lopez29, I am so incredibly sorry you're going through this. Looking at your words, it feels like looking back at myself two years ago with my own mother. Sending you a huge hug...

As everyone else has already pointed out, your mother is in those final weeks, perhaps even her final days. I can only imagine the weight on your shoulders. My mother had this one wish: to pass away at home, away from the sterile, cold walls of a hospital, surrounded by her inner circle. My dad and I made a pact to honor that, and we cared for her right until the very end. I was holding her hand when she took her last breath. Forgive me if I'm being blunt, but believe me, this is the greatest gift you can give her—your presence, and allowing her to depart in the warmth of her own home with her daughter by her side. My mother was there when I took my very first breath, and I was there when she drew her last.

Looking back now, I honestly don't know where I found the strength to survive it... but I did. And you will too, I promise. It’s just how life works sometimes. Just talk to her softly. Stay near her. Ease her pain as much as humanly possible (for us, the palliative care team at the Tumor Institute was a godsend—wonderful people). Once the dust settles, you’ll find peace knowing you gave her a dignified exit. Don't be afraid. ❤️

rustyowl52 said:My mom is fighting lung cancer. It’s been a year since the diagnosis... they told me she wouldn't even last that long... but she’s tough, just like all mothers are... none of these tests mean anything anymore. I can see her fading. She can't swallow, she's losing weight—she's down to 43 kg, it's devastating... and she still smokes. I know quitting won't save her now, but it feels like she's just refusing to give us a few more days... why? I can't wrap my head around it. I get angry, I yell, and then I just break down crying... Doesn't she love us? Why doesn't she love herself? She tells me to leave her alone, but I can't... I'm a fighter, and I only have one mother... I think about death constantly because I know it's close, yet I try to ignore it, because she's my mom and it's just not her time... damn those cigarettes!!! I dread every single phone call when I'm not with her... I have people here holding me together so I don't lose my mind, but I feel so pathetic day after day... I see so many others going through this same thing, finding comfort in each other's pain, yet the ache we each carry is so uniquely, infinitely heavy...

I completely understand you. I went through those exact same questions and that same fury with my own mother. At this stage, trying to quit smoking wouldn't help her physically, and it would probably crush her mentally. Just accept that everyone has their flaws, and please, try not to let that anger become a wall between you two. Let her know how hard this is for you, but try not to point fingers. Just spend as much quality time with her as you can. Sadly, one day you'll be sitting there just wishing you could hear her voice for one more second, and she'll be gone... Hang in there ❤️

urbanharbor15 said:I totally get where you're coming from; I had those exact same questions and felt that same surge of anger toward my own mom. At this stage, trying to force her to quit smoking would be pointless—it wouldn't help her physically, and honestly, the mental toll would just break her. You have to accept that everyone has their flaws, and you really need to try to make sure this resentment doesn't end up poisoning your relationship with her. Let her know how much you're struggling, but try not to point fingers. Just focus on spending as much quality time together as possible. It's a hard truth, but one day you'll give anything just to hear her voice for a second, and she won't be there anymore... Hang in there. ❤️

Thanks, I know all of that deep down... I'm the one who needs to change, I suppose. I have to find a way to preserve my memories of her without all this bitterness and without drowning in these endless "why" questions that I'll never actually get an answer to...

rustyowl52 said:Thanks... I know everything now... I have to change, I really do. I need to preserve her memory without all this resentment, without these endless questions that will never have answers...

If my experience can offer you even a shred of help—it’s been just over two years since I lost her to the exact same cancer. My mom was a lifelong smoker, too. While she was sick, I was bitter. So incredibly bitter. I’d get angry at her constantly, trying so hard to hide it, but inside... I was just boiling. Now that she's gone, the anger has faded. No more questions. I'm slowly starting to accept things, and sometimes, those happy memories actually start creeping back in (she had such an incredible sense of humor). I think you're in the thick of it right now because every single day you see the wreckage those cigarettes caused, seeing how much her health was destroyed... you're subconsciously bracing for the loss. It’s terrifying, and that’s why the anger is there. It’s normal to feel this way. And one more thing—please, don't forget to look after yourself, both physically and mentally. Being a caregiver is exhausting work. I’m telling you, find even just a tiny sliver of time every day for something that has absolutely nothing to do with cancer, sickness, or hospitals. That was my lifeline when I felt like you do. I started running, eating better, and just putting on some music while walking the dog... just to break out of that atmosphere for a moment.

urbanharbor15 said:If my own experience can offer you any solace—it’s been a little over two years since I lost my mother to the exact same cancer, and she was a lifelong smoker. During her illness, I found myself being incredibly bitter; I’d get so angry at her, and even though I tried my hardest not to show it, I was just boiling inside. Now that she’s gone, that anger has faded into nothingness. I don't have any more "why" questions left; I'm slowly starting to find peace, and occasionally, these wonderful memories of her surface (she had such an incredible sense of humor). I think you're in the thick of it right now because every single day you're confronted by the damage those cigarettes caused and how much her health has crumbled, and subconsciously, you're bracing for the loss—which is terrifying, and that's exactly why the anger is there. It’s completely normal to feel this way. And one more thing that is absolutely vital—please, don't forget to look after yourself, both physically and mentally. Being a caregiver is exhausting work, and I really suggest you find even just a tiny sliver of time every day for something that has absolutely nothing to do with cancer, sickness, or hospitals. That was what saved me when I felt like you do; I started running, eating better, and I’d put on some music while walking the dog just to break out of that heavy atmosphere.

Thank you! Honestly, I used to think it was just my mom, but no—she was an addict. A total addict! There are so many people in America and all over the world dealing with this, yet nicotine addiction is always pushed to the sidelines while drugs and alcohol get all the attention. I honestly cannot wrap my head around why we don't do more regarding prevention, treatment, and psychological support for people struggling with tobacco. The current approach seems to be just telling people to quit on their own at home, which is incredibly difficult. I mean, I can barely force myself to work out alone at home—it's so much easier when you have a trainer cheering you on, isn't it? So how on earth are you supposed to tackle something this massive by yourself?
Unfortunately, I don't live with her, so it feels even harder since I'm in a different city while my brothers are there with her...
I just hope I can eventually reach a point where I can accept that this is simply how things have to be...

I took Mom to the hospital on Wednesday, and after getting some IV fluids and medication, she perked up just a little bit... though it was very brief. She had breakfast at the hospital on Thursday, and then she just fell asleep... forever. Her heart finally stopped beating on Saturday morning.
I’m surprisingly calm about it all. Honestly, I'm almost grateful for COVID-19 because it gave us those two months where we were basically together constantly. In a normal world, you could never afford to spend that much time with someone—just grabbing coffee every day, having breakfast, watching Marriage Story together over lunch, dinner... most of our time was spent just being home. Even my kid wasn't going to school; he stayed home with Grandma doing homework and playing chess.
I did my crying a week ago. I said my goodbyes, told her everything I needed to say, heard everything I needed to hear, and ultimately, I gave her permission to let go and leave us.
In the end, there wasn't even any pain; her body simply couldn't hold on anymore.
Safe travels, Mom. Reach out from wherever you are so I know you're looking out for us!

Donna Reyes11 said:I took my mom to the hospital on Wednesday, and after the IV fluids and meds, she perked up just a little bit... but only briefly... She had breakfast at the hospital on Thursday and then fell asleep... forever... Her heart finally stopped on Saturday morning.
I’m surprisingly calm. Honestly, I'm grateful for COVID-19 because it gave us those two months where we were practically inseparable... under normal circumstances, you could never afford that much time with her—just grabbing coffee every day, having breakfast, watching "Marriage at First Sight" together during lunch and dinner... most of our time was spent just being home... the kid wasn't even in school, so he was home with Grandma doing homework and playing chess...
I did my crying a week ago. I said my goodbyes, told her everything I needed to say, heard everything I needed to hear, and in the end, I gave her permission to let go, to find peace and leave us behind.
In the end, there wasn't even any pain... her body just couldn't hold on anymore.
Safe travels, Mom. Let me know you're watching over us sometime!

May she rest in peace, and my deepest condolences to you, Christian 🙂

rustyowl52 said:Thanks! Honestly, I thought my mom was the only one—a total addict. But it's everywhere, in America and all over the world... yet nicotine addiction just gets pushed to the sidelines while drugs and alcohol get all the attention. I don't get it. Why isn't there more focus on prevention, treatment, or actual mental health support for people struggling with this? People just try to quit on their own at home, which is incredibly hard. I can barely force myself to work out alone without a trainer cheering me on, let alone tackle something like this!
Unfortunately, I don't live with her, so it's harder... I'm in a different city, and my brothers are the ones living with her...
I just hope I can eventually accept that this is just how things have to be...

I used to smoke too (back when I still lived with my parents, our favorite thing was sitting on the balcony, having coffee, and lighting up one after another...). I smoked for eight years straight. I finally quit twenty days after Mom was diagnosed with lung cancer, and it’s been four years now since I last touched a cigarette... I don't even miss it. But what I mean to say is, if Mom hadn't gotten sick, I'd probably still be smoking like an absolute idiot. It feels like here in the States, or generally in Europe, it's just part of the lifestyle... it's so hard to stop when everyone around you is doing it. Now, I live on a different continent, and here, smokers are treated like second-class citizens. You can go a whole week without seeing anyone smoke on the street... plus, cigarettes are outrageously expensive here. In an environment like this, it's much, much easier to stay smoke-free.

Wishing you and your mom nothing but the best and plenty of quality time together!

Donna Reyes11 said:I took my mom to the hospital on Wednesday, and after she got some IV fluids and meds, she perked up just a little bit—but only for a fleeting moment. She had breakfast at the hospital on Thursday, and then she just fell asleep... forever. Her heart finally stopped beating on Saturday morning.
Honestly, I’m surprisingly calm. I actually feel grateful for the COVID-19 lockdowns because they gave us those two months where we were almost constantly together. In any other normal situation, you could never afford to spend that much time with her—just grabbing coffee every single day, having breakfast, watching "Married at First Sight" together during lunch or dinner... most of our time was spent just being home. Since the kid wasn't going to school, he stayed home with Grandma doing his homework or playing chess.
I did my crying a week ago. I said my goodbyes, told her everything I ever wanted to say, heard everything I needed to hear, and ultimately, I gave her permission to let go and find peace.
In the end, there wasn't even any pain; her body just couldn't hold on anymore.
Safe travels, Mom. Reach out from the other side every once in a while so I know you're watching over us!

🙂

if you feel the need

Is anyone else currently dealing with a diagnosis of a tumor where the primary site remains unknown?
After months of endless back-and-forth and waiting around, the doctors have finally decided to classify my dad’s condition this way and start him on chemotherapy.
He’s already become incredibly weak and suffered a pulmonary embolism, and honestly, I’m just furious. It feels like the treatment was delayed far too long because they kept stalling while waiting for biopsy results.
I feel completely helpless. I can't tell if there's anything more I can do—whether I should seek a second opinion outside of our local hospital system, because everywhere I've called privately, they told me they don't treat these types of tumors when the specific origin isn't clearly identified.
On top of all this despair, I'm being judged by everyone around me; they act as if they would definitely be doing much more than I am. It’s left me feeling so heartbroken, and I’m even starting to wonder if I really am not doing enough for him.

coastalpanther62 said:Is anyone else dealing with a tumor diagnosis where the origin isn't clearly identified?
After months of back-and-forth and endless waiting, the doctors have finally decided how to classify my dad's illness and start him on chemotherapy.
He’s already become so weak and suffered a pulmonary embolism. Honestly, I’m furious because treatment was delayed far too long while they kept waiting on biopsy results.
I feel completely helpless. I don't know if there's anything more I can do—whether I should seek out specialists outside our local hospital. Every time I call private clinics, they tell me they won't treat these types of tumors when the exact source hasn't been pinpointed.
On top of all this despair, people around me are judging me, implying they would definitely be doing more than I am. It’s heartbreaking, and I’m starting to wonder if I really am falling short for him.

I am so sorry you're going through this. Please send me a private message; I have some information regarding therapies that might be helpful for both you and your father.

You have a message in your inbox.

Donna Reyes11 said:I took my mom to the hospital on Wednesday, and after some IV fluids and medication, she seemed to perk up just a little bit... though it was very brief. On Thursday, she had breakfast at the hospital and then fell asleep... forever. Her heart finally stopped beating on Saturday morning.
I’m surprisingly calm. Honestly, I’m almost grateful for COVID-19 because it gave us the chance to be together nearly constantly for two months. Under normal circumstances, you could never afford that much time with her—grabbing coffee every day, having breakfast, watching "Marriage at First Sight" during lunch and dinner... most of our time was spent just being home together. Since school was closed, my kid stayed home with Grandma, doing homework and playing chess...
I did my crying a week ago. I said my goodbyes, told her everything I needed to say, heard everything I needed to hear, and finally gave her permission to let go and find peace.
In the end, there wasn't even any pain; her body simply reached its limit.
Safe travels, dear Mom. Drop us a sign every now and then so I know you're watching over us!

Dear Christian Lopez29, I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I'm glad you're finding some peace right now, but please, if you ever feel the weight of it all, don't hesitate to reach out—whether it's here on the forum or to a professional.

rustyowl52 said:My mom is battling lung cancer. It’s been a year since the diagnosis... they told me she wouldn't even last that long... but she’s tough, just like all mothers are. The test results don't seem to matter anymore; I can see her fading away. She can't swallow properly and she's losing weight—she's down to 43 kg, it's heartbreaking. And she still smokes. I know quitting won't save her at this stage, but it feels like she's just throwing away those extra days we could have together. Why? I can't wrap my head around it. I get angry, I yell, and then I just break down and cry. Doesn't she love us? Doesn't she love herself? She tells me to leave her be, but I simply can't... I'm a fighter, and I only have one mother. I find myself thinking about death because I know it's close, yet I try to ignore it because she's my mom and it just doesn't feel like her time... damn those cigarettes!!! I dread every phone call when I'm not with her... my family is the only thing keeping me from losing my mind, but I feel like I'm falling apart day by day. I see so many people going through the same thing, finding comfort in each other's pain, yet the ache within each of us remains uniquely, immeasurably intense.

Right after my dad got his diagnosis, he quit smoking immediately. Honestly, I ended up being furious at him for ever having picked up the habit in the first place, and even for refusing to drink that revolting beet juice. I found myself getting angry over the most trivial, nonsensical things, but in reality, I was just lashing out at the entire situation because it was painfully obvious I was going to lose him.

That anger you're feeling? It's completely normal.
A few more cigarettes aren't going to save your mother, nor will they destroy her life at this point. Quitting causes its own massive amount of stress, so if your mom wants to keep smoking, let her.
Like others have already said, please look after yourself too. I know how incredibly hard this is, and I don't want you to end up getting sick yourself from the strain, like I did. You are in one of the most stressful periods of your life, but try—as difficult as it sounds—to lean into the moments you have left with her instead of letting the anger take over.
We used to make Dad laugh by bringing up silly childhood stories that we had conveniently "forgotten" until then, and those moments became such beautiful memories for us...

Donna Reyes11 said:On Wednesday, I took my mom to the hospital, and after she got some IV fluids and medication, she perked up just a little bit, though it was incredibly brief... She had breakfast at the hospital on Thursday, and then she fell asleep... forever. Her heart finally stopped beating on Saturday morning.
Surprisingly, I’m feeling quite calm. Honestly, I’m actually grateful for the pandemic because it gave us the chance to be together almost constantly for two months... In normal circumstances, you could never afford to spend that much time with her—just having coffee every day, sharing breakfast, watching "Married at First Sight" over lunch and dinner... all that time we spent mostly just being home together... the kid wasn't going to school, so he was home with Grandma doing homework and playing chess...
I did my crying a week ago; I said my goodbyes, told her everything I ever wanted to say, heard everything I needed to hear, and in the end, I gave her permission to find peace, to let go, and to leave us.
In the end, there wasn't even any pain; her body simply couldn't hold on anymore.
Safe travels, dear Mom. Reach out to us every now and then so I know you're looking out for us!

My deepest condolences. I'm sitting here crying just reading this, because when I look at all of you, I see how much this illness makes us all the same, even though we are all so different... I truly believe that our loved ones reach back out to us. I remember when my grandmother passed away, I received a text message saying everything would be okay, that it just had to be this way... It felt as if she were the one telling me, or someone else entirely... it was sent by a friend who knew my grandma was in the hospital... the timing of that message was exactly when my grandma passed, except back then I didn't know yet; the hospital called me in the morning. I kept that text for a long time, but one summer, my phone went absolutely haywire, turning on and off randomly, and that message was wiped out forever... and that was the very same day my purse was stolen. To this day, I believe my grandma was trying to tell me to stay safe... so please, your mothers are watching over you, and they will definitely find a way to let you know.

Robin Diaz4 said:Right after my dad got his diagnosis, he quit smoking immediately, and honestly, I found myself getting angry at him just for ever having picked up a cigarette in the first place. He wouldn't even touch that disgusting beet juice—it was just revolting. I was getting mad over the stupidest little things, but if I’m being real, I was actually just lashing out because of the whole situation; it was all too obvious that I was going to lose him.

That anger you're feeling? It’s completely normal.
A few more cigarettes aren't going to save or destroy your mom. Quitting smoking adds a massive amount of extra stress to an already impossible situation, so if she wants to keep smoking, let her.
People have already told you this, but please, look after yourself too. I know how incredibly hard this is, and I don't want you to end up like me, where the stress eventually makes you sick as well. You are going through one of the most stressful periods a person can endure, but instead of letting that anger take over, try to just cherish every single moment you still have with her.
With my dad, we used to make him laugh by bringing up those silly childhood stories we had conveniently "forgotten" back then, and looking back, those are some of my most beautiful memories...

I mean, I realize quitting won't actually cure her, but at least maybe she could breathe a little easier... though, I don't know, I guess I've already let go of that thought. We spoke on the phone today; she's heading to the Jordanovac clinic tomorrow for chemo, and she tells me, "Honey, buy me a cute little hat, the guys have no idea how to pick one out." All her hair is gone... I've been crying all day, waiting until the kids aren't home so they won't see me break down. I'll keep crying until tomorrow so I don't have to cry in front of her, because I'm just terrified of who's going to call me "sweetheart" once she's gone...

urbanharbor15 said:I used to smoke too—back when I was still living with my parents, our favorite thing to do was sit out on the balcony, sipping coffee and lighting one up after another. My smoking habit lasted about eight years, but I quit just twenty days after my mom was diagnosed with lung cancer, and honestly, it’s been four years now since I last touched one, and I don't even miss it. But what I really mean by this is that if my mom hadn't gotten sick, I probably would've kept smoking like a complete idiot. It feels like in America, or generally throughout much of the world, it's just such a massive part of the lifestyle, isn't it? It's incredibly hard to quit when everyone around you is doing it. Now that I'm living on a different continent, things are totally different; here, smokers are looked at like second-class citizens. You can go an entire week walking down the street without seeing more than a handful of people having a cigarette, and besides, cigarettes are insanely expensive here—under these circumstances, staying smoke-free is so much easier.

I'm wishing nothing but the best for you and your mom, and I hope you get so many more wonderful years together!

Thank you from the bottom of my heart... if only I could just take her with me to the ends of the earth...

I could really use some guidance from anyone who knows their way around this stuff, because I’m getting totally conflicting advice and it’s leaving me stuck:
Is it actually okay to take beta glucan while undergoing chemotherapy (I go in every three weeks)?
One source tells me it’s perfectly fine to use, but then another says you should wait until all the chemo cycles are completely finished. Honestly, I have no idea what to believe or how to proceed.
A lot of people keep suggesting aloe with honey as an alternative.
I'm just really worried about accidentally messing something up and causing a reaction that does more harm than good.

coastalpanther62 said:I could really use some help from anyone who knows more about this, because I’m getting totally conflicting advice:
Is it okay to take beta glucan while undergoing chemotherapy (it happens every 3 weeks)?
Some places say it’s fine to use, while others claim you should wait until all the chemo cycles are completely finished. I honestly don't know what to think or do.
A lot of people are telling me they use aloe with honey.
I'm just worried that I might mess something up and cause the opposite of the intended effect.

Generally speaking, beta glucan can be used during chemotherapy. However, it’s important to note that there isn't enough solid evidence to show whether it actually influences the treatment being administered, or how it might do so.
It’s also worth mentioning that there is absolutely no definitive proof that this supplement "boosts the immune system." Personally, if I were in your shoes, I’d put my money into maintaining a proper, healthy diet instead.