Kill Bill Vol. 1

I watched the movie.

...

That’s all I have to say about it. Perhaps by tomorrow I’ll have recovered enough to write something coherent.

Potential plot spoilers ahead.

Though I did my best to avoid including any.

So, consider this a preemptive spoiler alert to absolve me of any responsibility should I accidentally ruin the experience for anyone.

The first thing I said when we walked out of the theater yesterday was, "Guys, are we aware we just watched the most expensive adaptation of a ninja novel in history?" The movie looks exactly like those "Let's make our own ninja novel" threads you see on American literature forums. The characters deliver lines that are so predictable I could practically guess the rest of the sentence halfway through. They deliver completely ridiculous dialogue with such deadpan seriousness, which in itself
makes it even funnier. Blood flows in rivers. Plot... nonexistent.
Characterization... non-existent. Just blood, killing, and mush, and it has so much cheese it's all over the screen. Honestly, I think I spent more than half the movie laughing. And a good portion of the audience did too, which I found quite delightful.
Now, someone might argue: "But isn't The Matrix Reloaded kind of like this too?" And I’d have to agree. But the issue with The Matrix Reloaded is that it actually attempted to be serious, whereas Quentin Tarantino, it seems, didn't even come close. This film feels like it's trying every single cliché found in action movies. It was crafted to be the archetype of a bad action flick. On top of all that, the movie is just totally hyperactive. It’s so over-the-top that my retinas exploded and I wet my pants. It's so pumped up that when I got home, I immediately beat up some old men and smashed my TV with my head. It's so excessive that my
friend, who is always commenting on films, was fukken *silent* for the last 45 to 50 minutes, staring unblinkingly so he wouldn't miss any nonsense, punctuated by occasional groans of "Jesus!" and "Unbe—fukkin'—liveable!"
The movie was such a trip that nobody knew what to say when we left the theater. Fifteen minutes later, standing at the tram stop near the square, we realized a hot Japanese woman in a long black coat was barely three feet away from us. We immediately backed out of range of an average katana, hid behind a pillar just in case, and assessed how we might best hide behind a newsstand if all hell breaks loose and a fight starts.

And finally: let me guess what happens in the sequel. I bet Uma Thurman dies in the final showdown against the last villain, and they'll strike each other simultaneously in slow motion before falling to the ground to die in each other's arms. I also bet that before the second part ends, we'll definitely see that guy with the katanas one more time, reciting some Chinese wisdom about the dangers of revenge.

casualotter21 said:Some potential plot spoilers coming up ahead.

Even though I really tried my best not to include any...

So consider this a pre-emptive spoiler alert, which hopefully absolves me of any responsibility if I accidentally ruin the experience for anyone...

The movie was one of those experiences where nobody actually knew what to say once we walked out of the theater. About fifteen minutes later, we were standing at a tram stop near a Washington, D.C. square when we realized some hot little Japanese woman in a long black coat was barely three feet away from us. We immediately backed off, staying well outside the reach of an average katana...

There’s no such thing as an average katana! Every single katana is per se above average. A katana is just so incredibly superior that if you’re planning to take down the Deadly Viper Assassination Squad (because you can't write that in lowercase, nor can you say it without shouting it in a fake accent), you’d buy a katana instead of a handgun. You'd say, "I need a nihonto... to take out the thugs." Katanas are so efficient that even in The Matrix Reloaded, where things are arguably stupider than in the real world, they can slice right through a car. In our actual reality, they could probably slice through at least two cars. So, if something can cut through two cars, how could it possibly be considered average? QED.

And finally, let me try to guess what happens in the sequel. I’m betting Uma Thurman dies in the final showdown against the last villain, and it’ll happen in such a way that they both strike each other simultaneously, falling to the ground in slow motion to die in each other's arms. And I’d also wager that before the second part ends, we’ll definitely get one more look at that guy with the katanas delivering some ancient Chinese wisdom about the dangers of vengeance.

How absolutely terrible!

"Revenge... is like a box of chocolates; you can choke on it, just like if you eat the whole damn box."

I mean, the film is incredible... 🙏

Elizabeth Harris6 said:There is no such thing as an average katana! Every single katana is per se above average. A katana is just so incredible that when you’re heading out to take down the DEADLY VIPER ASSASSINATION SQUAD (because you honestly can't type that in lowercase, nor can you say it without screaming it in some fake accent)

Exactly! How did I let that slip my mind? The DEADLY VIPER ASSASSATION SQUAD belongs right in my collection of all-time great CAPS LOCK phrases, alongside legends like:

TOTAL CONTROL UUUUUUUUMAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!111
or
MARS NEEDS WOMEN!!!!111
or
THE PLUTONIUM TOTALITY IS UPON US!!!!111
or
NINDZAMA!!!111
or
ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US!!!!111
or (my personal favorite)
IMPUDENCE! YOU ARE SPEAKING IMPUDENCE TO ME!!!11

Good grief, if only I had waited for Lucy Liu or Uma Thurman or ANYONE to drop that line in the movie.

I mean, the movie is incredible. 🙏

Preach on, brother!

Gnn, am I losing my mind or is it totally fine that I’m crushing hard on Gogo Yubari? I know she’d probably murder me, but man, she was just so cute...

The worst part is that the second installment will likely be serious and "normal," but this is hands down the best flick a ninja could ever ask for. Tarantino is the man!

casualotter21 said:The first thing I said when we walked out of the theater yesterday was, "Guys, are we seriously aware that we just watched the most expensive adaptation of a ninja novel in history?" The movie looks exactly like those posts on the "Let's Make Our Own Ninja Novel" thread on American literature forums. The characters deliver lines so predictable that I could guess the rest of the sentence halfway through. They say things that are completely ridiculous with such deadpan seriousness, which makes it even
funnier for me. Blood flows in rivers. Action... non-existent.
Characterization... zero. Just blood and killing and mush, and it has so much cheese it's all over the screen.

The movie is total crap, as my Singaporean friend would say, not like some Japanese womanQ!
My friends and I were totally wired after the movie; I haven't seen such a hellish film in a long time.-

Justin Patel said:Gnn, am I losing my mind here, or is it actually okay that I got a little too excited over Gogo Yubari? I know she’d probably kill me, but man, she was just so cute-.

It honestly only clicked for me a few days ago that the same actress plays Chigus in "Battle Royale".

Back when I was reading Tarantino's biography, specifically that part about the side shot, maybe five years ago now... he mentioned something along the lines of: "My biggest cinematic idols are the actor Sonny Chiba, and those Eastern directors John Woo and Ang Lee. One day, I want to make a movie in the style of those Hong Kong martial arts flicks they used to do."
And man, he actually did it. It was brilliant. Honestly, just being able to make a great film at all is a massive achievement... but this? Tarantino's whole approach to storytelling and directing is just fascinating to me. It feels even more advanced than Jackie Brown or Pulp Fiction.
The movie is absolute madness—you've got the Pussy Wagon, Buck rocking those gold-rimmed sunglasses, Uma against fifty samurai, blood spraying everywhere, a Puma tigeress on a girl whose mother was just brutally killed... there's so much going on that you don't even need to overanalyze it. You just look at it and conclude—it's a masterpiece.

Richard Hernandez13 said:I only realized a couple of days ago that she plays Chigus in "Battle Royale."

I really need to watch that movie more often...

Richard Hernandez13 said:I only realized a couple of days ago that she plays Chigus in "Battle Royale".

Hmmm, that’s just one more reason for me to finally watch it. After all, what’s the worst that could happen? SHE DIES?!

Justin Patel said:Gnn, am I losing my mind, or is it totally fine that I got worked up over Gogo Yubari? I know she’d probably kill me, but she was just so cute-.

tsss, you really picked the right person to ask. The reaction from me and my friends after watching it was basically, "YOU CAN PENETRATE ME ANY DAY, BAAAAAAY - BEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!111one"

The worst part is that the sequel will probably end up being serious and actually decent.

BOOOOOOO!

but this is honestly the best damn flick a ninja could ever ask for. Tarantino is the man.

Isn't it though? Honestly, if the mobster spoke with a thick Southern accent and kept shouting about NINJAS in Caps Lock, the movie would be *absolute perfection*. But even like this! Even like this! Just thinking about stuff like those on-screen title cards like
"13 hours later at the same location..."
or the way the visuals and music kick in whenever Uma spots someone she's out for revenge on.
My god! What a masterpiece! Pure cheese incarnate!

casualotter21 said:tsss, you really picked the right person to ask. After the movie, my friends and I were just like, "YOU CAN PENETRATE ME ANY DAY, BAAAAAAY - BEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!111one"

Right?! Honestly, if the villain spoke with a heavy Southern accent and mentioned NINDZAMA in CAPS LOCK constantly, this movie would be absolute perfection! But even as it is, it’s incredible! Just thinking about things like those screen titles like
"13 hours later at the same location..."
or how the visuals and music kick in whenever Uma Thurman spots one of her targets for revenge...
Man! What a masterpiece! It's pure cheese incarnate!

That Gogo Yubari is so hawt, then they put her in a school uniform, and then there's that crazy fight, and then....
The best part is that the girl actually exists, even if I'll probably never see her in person.
What's even better is that this movie has more substance, weight, and cool factor (as my buddy puts it) than most Hollywood productions-.
It might be overkill if we added everything you mentioned, but hey, this is already as perfect as cheese.

And I love cheese-.

Justin Patel said:Man, Gogo Yubari is just so hot, especially when she’s in that school uniform, and then there's the whole beatdown thing, and then....
It’s wild that this girl actually exists, even if I'm probably never going to see her in person.

....

Hold on a second!

<heads over to IMDB>

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0475752/

She was born in November '84. Well, look at that! Time really flies. I was basically hanging around forums at her age, posting nonsense and voting for Sestorka.

...

Ugh... This doesn't sound too good.

casualotter21 said:....

Hold everything!

<heads over to IMDB>

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0475752/

She was born in November '84. Man, look at her go! I was just browsing this forum and posting mindless nonsense when she was my age.

Ugh...

I'm laughing like a maniac right now because she's actually my age!!!1
yeeeeeeeeeeej
Japanese women seem to prefer Western guys more often; maybe I should try my luck (Yubari is the last name in the movie... though I'm definitely not Gogo)

Justin Patel said:I'm laughing with total confidence right now because she's basically my goddaughter!!!1
hell yeah
American women tend to prefer Western guys; maybe I should actually try to score (Yubari is her last name in the movie... though I'm certainly no Gogo)

I met an American woman once. She was genuinely cute and sweet. We took the same class for five fukken weeks and I didn't do a single THING. And man, she was modest, humble, sweet, shy—everything!

Instead, I could have spent that time flirting just so I could brag about being the only one among you losers to land an Asian girl, or how some hot Asian babe gutted my stomach with a wakizashi.

ENVY ME!

....

Please, do. I'll feel better after that.

http://chiaki-kuriyama.zanlius.com/index.html

Just for the fans

casualotter21 said:I met this Japanese woman once. She was just so cute and sweet. We were in the same class for five fukken weeks and I didn't do a single THING. And she was so modest, humble, sweet, shy, everything!

I could have been hitting on her instead, and now I can brag about how I'm the only one among all you losers who actually landed an Asian girl, or how some hot cute Japanese woman gutted my stomach with a wakizashi.

ENVY ME!

....

Please, do. I'll feel better after that.

I know a girl from Singapore, but she had a boyfriend before, probably still does... maybe I'll go visit her next year...
And I'm heading to Japan soon, gotta land me a cute Japanese woman...
What kind of class was it?
I have to admit, I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I hadn't at least scored with her.
If only there were more of them in Washington, D.C.

#Chiaki calls herself "Chiaki".
#Chiaki isn't much for sweets, so she skips snacking, but she lives for carbs.
#Every month, she picks up a volume of that "Urusei Yatsura" manga (you know, those loud aliens) from the local corner store.
#Back in April 2003, she actually saw SEVEN three times in a single day.
#Her playlist is mostly Hikaru Utada, Ringo Shiina, and L'Arc-en-Ciel.
#She’s big on Disney characters, so her files and trinkets are all Bambi, and she’s got a stuffed Pooh-san.
#She’s a huge fan of the anime "AKIRA" and anything from Studio Ghibli—especially Laputa: Castle in the Sky.
She’s actually pretty good at imitating Dola from Laputa.
And lately, she’s been working on perfecting her No-Face impression. "Go for it, give it your all!"—July 2003.

Where on earth did you find all that?

Speaking of being obsessed with cute Japanese girls, it reminds me of the World Cup held in Japan, when that Prince guy and his crew were out filming Japanese women in various cities. There are scenes where they film schoolgirls giggling awkwardly—that specific way only Japanese women do—only to cut to one of our guys cheering, saying, "Man, there are plenty of hot ones, but not a single one will let us strike up a conversation." Later, you see the Prince and his buddies sitting in a shopping mall, shouting at Japanese women passing by:

"HEY LITTLE LADY! WHERE YOU HEADING? HOW ABOUT I BUY YOU A DRINK?! HEY, HEY, HEY, LADY!!" and the women just completely ignore them and dodge the camera.

Justin Patel said:I know this one girl from Singapore, but she had a boyfriend before—probably still does—maybe I'll try to visit her next year...
And I'm heading to Japan too, hoping to pick up some cute Japanese woman...
What kind of course are you talking about?
I have to admit, I wouldn't be able to handle living alone if I didn't at least score one of them-.
If only there were more of them here in Washington, D.C.

Look, I actually saw a couple of them yesterday with my friends at the square after the movie, about ten minutes apart, so no excuses. We were actually a little intimidated after the film because those Japanese people don't mess around, and I certainly wouldn't want to get caught in the middle of that crap.

casualotter21 said:And the women just ignore them and run from the camera.

Probably because most of them have teeth that are... asymmetrical.
I don't see Chiaka having that issue.

P.S.
I'm watching a movie on KanalRI where some hillbillies are shooting at a parrot with AK-47s.